I was standing out back of my father’s — well, I don’t know what the fuck it was, but it was a building of indeterminate function. A big building in which you could stack a couple tractors on top of one another. Big brown metal walls. Concrete floor. One end open, the others closed. He did sandblasting there. Painting. Some engine work and some reloading and gunsmithing. (About ten yards south of the building was a shooting bench and about 200 yards off, a backstop.)

We were standing out there one day for whatever reason or another and I was about 12 at the time and I let slip with a so-called “bad word.” I said this word by way of an accident — not that I let this vulgarity slip out but rather I meant to say one word and I said this word instead.

That word was “piss.”

Not exactly a bunker-buster of a bad word, but bad enough for a 12-year-old at that time and I was afraid as soon as the word fell out of my mouth that with such an utterance I would earn his rather significant ire, but the opposite happened:

He laughed, and was proud of me.

That was the day, I think, that I learned to truly love me some profanity.

It’s part of my schtick, here, but it’s also part of who I am and how I really talk. (Though people are often surprised I don’t ladle heaping helpings of shit and fuck on every conversation, podcast or interview I have — hey, I do try to maintain a level of politeness, particularly with people who may not be super-comfortable with me spraying that kind of naughty-juice all over them.) I responded strongly to George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Denis Leary. (I did not respond strongly to Andrew Dice Clay, curiously — I always thought his profanity was in service of being dirty, not in service of being funny or making a point.)

I use profanity here at this site pretty frequently, and most folks seem happy about that or at least cautiously comfortable. The bad words are in my books, too — even in my young adult books because I probably cursed more when I was a teenager than I do now, and while I recognize that not all teens are foul-mouthed little shit-birds, a good number of them are or they’ve at least heard the words used by peers. (My cornpunk YA, Under the Empyrean Sky, uses more made-up profanity than real-world stuff, though.) Some of the negative reviews of my books will call out this penchant for linguistic naughtiness, which is fine and fair and that’s where bad reviews do good work: they let others who might be offended by such things know what they’re going to get, and so they might want to avoid. Like warning you a bridge is out ahead, or that a product contains peanuts. My Miriam Black books in particular are soggy with dirty words. Some folks have suggested that women don’t speak that way, but they haven’t met many of the wonderfully foul-mouthed women in my life. (My own mother dropped an f-bomb when meeting my in-laws.)

Because of this, my books or blog posts sometimes offend, and that’s okay.

(It’s worth noting here my thoughts on offending people, which is to say, I don’t much care. I don’t mind offending you. I very much mind if something I say hurts you directly or indirectly.)

I hear sometimes that profanity is a sign of reduced intelligence or limited vocabulary — to which I say, bad words are still words, after all, which means they are vocabulary. Profanity is a circus of language. Trapeze stunts! Lions eating lion-tamers! Motorcycles on fire jumping through hoops!

Some folks say, “You don’t need to use profanity,” which is true, and I agree, and sometimes I don’t. Actually, George Carlin said a pretty smart thing on this subject…

Yeah, that “You don’t need to; you’re a funny man, you don’t need that stuff” thing. Well, my argument is that you don’t need paprika or oregano or a few other things to make a stew, technically, either — but you make a better stew. If you’re inclined to make a stew of that type, “seasoning” helps.

I know from Bill Cosby’s work, he clearly feels that way, and I’ve always felt that by taking that stand and developing a body of work that didn’t include it, Cosby can never now choose to use that language. I, however, can choose either.

I can do six minutes on The Tonight Show with none of that in it — I can use other parts of my tool kit that work for me; I’m good at them, too, and can do that no problem — but I can also be more of my street-corner self elsewhere, with language of the street if I want to do that, too.

Why should I deprive myself of a small but important part of language that my fellow humans have developed? Why not use all of what we’ve developed to communicate with?

Sometimes I overdo it intentionally, because it has an effect of its own. I think there are a lot of sentences where the adjective “fucking — I guess it’s a gerund, isn’t it? — sometimes just makes the joke work better. And not because they’re laughing at the word “fuck” but because including that word may make the language of a sentence more powerful, and it just gets in there better. It just gets in that channel you’ve got open with a harder punch, you know? That’s why people use it in life — because it makes something they’re trying to say stronger; it gives a particular effect.

I think the folks who choose to deny that part of our language have limited themselves. And that’s fine; that’s good. Good choice over there…but I’m just fine over here.

Anyway, all this is a precursor to:

Hey! Have a random compound-vulgarity generator!

The way this works is simple:

a) Begin with one of the Ten Base Vulgarities.

b) Couple that with a Random Noun or use one of the twenty I’ve provided.

c) Frontload with as many Vulgar Modifiers as you so choose.

d) Get on your roof and yell your glorious new profanity to passing cars.

Step One: The Ten Base Vulgarities

1. Shit
2. Fuck
3. Ass
4. Tit (or Tits)
5. Jizz
6. Dildo
7. Cock
8. Douche
9. Piss
10. Turd

Roll a d10 or use a random number generator to get your word.

* Now, a couple notes on what constitutes vulgarity. The ten naughty words I’ve chosen are not meant to indicate judgment against these words — I don’t consider these words bad in the sense that they shouldn’t be used. I think it’s a bit absurd that any of these are considered vulgar, really — “shit” is bad, but “poop” is mostly okay? Whatever. I also don’t think dildo is a bad word — it just happens to sound funny when paired with random nouns.

Some will note that “douche” is not strictly vulgar and has sexist connotations, though others will argue that the actual practice of douching is not recommended or healthy for most people. I’ve included it here because its pairing in compound vulgarities is, quite frankly, classic.

I have not included the nuclear-bomb profanity of “cunt.” An argument for its inclusion might be that a) I’ve included “cock” and I feel like “cunt” is its natural pairing and b) because I’ve heard British and Aussie folk use it with great gusto and delight. PLUS JAMES JOYCE USED IT.

Regardless, it is the lightning rod of dirty words. You are free to add it into the list as you see fit.

You are of course encouraged to add your own vulgarities to the list as you see fit, expanding the base vulgarities beyond these ten. (These words alone possess a wide variety of variations: crap, cum, anus, dick, nuts, prick, snatch, hell, dong, wang, and on and on. I think some vulgarities are too jerky to be included, and that includes any word that tends to be explicitly racist or sexist or otherwise bigoted.)

Step Two: Random Noun Selection

You will find a most excellent random noun generator right here.

In fact, using step one and step two already, I have gotten:

Fuck-Missile!

Dildo-Brother!

Cock-Giant!

Jizz-Archer!

And more.

Or you can also roll a d10 or use the random number generator on this list of 20 nouns:

1. Circus
2. Magnet
3. Donkey
4. Turnip
5. Wombat
6. Blizzard
7. Bucket
8. Tornado
9. Pumpkin
10. Wizard
11. Syrup
12. Tractor
13. Cookie
14. Farmer
15. Dumpling
16. Fruit
17. Squirrel
18. Hamper
19. Shovel
20. Tube

Fucktube? Douche Blizzard! TURD-MAGNET. (Or Turd Magnate?) Jizz-Donkey.

And so on, and so forth.

Step Three: Add 0-100 Vulgar Modifiers

Choose another semi-vulgar or vaguely-insulting random noun:

1. Scum
2. Barf
3. Vulture
4. Monkey
5. Pube
6. Nipple
7. Goblin
8. Porn
9. Elf
10. Gourd
11. Testicle
12. Butt
13. Jelly
14. Poop
15. Biscuit
16. Meat
17. Booger
18. Widget
19. Velociraptor
20. Underpants

Then add a verb from this list:

1. Juggling
2. Jiggling
3. Gargling
4. Tickling
5. Humping
6. Denying
7. Thumping
8. Chomping
9. Punching
10. Sucking
11. Poking
12. Sipping
13. Squeezing
14. Spasming
15. Whistling
16. Massaging
17. Trumpeting
18. Snorkeling
19. Nibbling
20. Roasting

Or a verb from this list:

1. Shellacked
2. Buried
3. Tossed
4. Kicked
5. Tumbled
6. Dongled
7. Tweeted
8. Smacked
9. Guzzled
10. Whipped
11. Spackled
12. Wrangled
13. Pecked
14. Squirted
15. Napped
16. Snogged
17. Hustled
18. Mutilated
19. Ogled
20. Pinched

Which could lead to such indelicate phrases as:

“Butt-Dongled, Elf-Pecked Jizz-Wizard!”

Or: “Pube-Shellacked, Jelly-Sucking Fuck-Turnip!”

Good times. Good times.

Step Four: Yell It At Passersby

Just don’t tell them I told you to do that.

Step Five: Have A Merry Motherfucking Christmas!

You biscuit-whistling, nipple-nibbling, goblin-hustled, gourd-whipped douche-tubes, you!

As a quick administrative note:

You will find me here tomorrow and at the Angry Robot site talking about Christmas and Death (no, really). Then I won’t be back until next week when I’ll talk about that most foul-mouthed of cantankerous psychics, Miriam Black, who returns in her third adventure, The Cormorant.

First round is right here.

Second round is right here.

Third round: boom, right here.

And the fourth round is now within clicking range.

The end is here.

It has been a wonderfully weird experiment and I think, actually, pretty successful.

Time to bring this badboy home.

The rules are simple:

Look through the 800-word entries from last week (round four, linked above).

Pick one.

Add another 200 words to the story. The final 200 words, actually.

(Easiest way forward is to copy the chosen 800 words to your own blog, then add the next 200. Don’t forget to link to the now-finished tale in the comments.)

You do not need to have participated in the earlier rounds to participate in this one.

This time around, as noted, you will finish the story. And! And you are free to work on a story to which you have previously contributed, preferably one whose initial 200 words were yours to begin with. (Meaning, while not necessary, it’ll be interesting for you to finish the story that you began but whose middle is penned by three other writers.)

This is a collaborative game. It is Whisper Down the Lane. It is Telephone.

And now it’s time to finish up.

You’ve got one week.

Due by Friday, December 27th, noon EST.

Add the final link to the narrative chain, won’t you?

Not long after the New Year I’m going to start fading out the “10 Questions” I do with authors every Thursday — not because I don’t like them but because I like to keep that spot evolving and allow it to be functional both for authors and for readers of this blog.

I intend to replace it with a new feature:

Five Things I Learned By Writing [Insert Your Book, Comic, Game, Movie, Etc. Here]

This one is simple in theory, though maybe complex and compelling in its execution: storytellers have a chance to post five things they learned about writing their currently-releasing title. These five things can be about the writing process, about storytelling architecture, about editing. But it can be about whatever: something you learned from research, something you realized about yourself or your goals, some ancillary piece of information you dug up that never found its way into the book. Anything you learned during the writing of your story is fair game.

Beyond that, this’ll work the same way it did before, roughly.

Email me at terribleminds at gmail dot com.

Subject header: FIVE THINGS ABOUT [insert your story here]

(Note, if it doesn’t have that ‘five things about’ in the subject header, I may miss it — I’m literally going to use my email to pull that subject header out and auto-populate a new folder.)

Do not go and write a five things post and send it to me.

I just need you to tell me a little about your book and let me know it’s release date. (This is meant to be interesting for readers but also a sales vector for you, which is why I’m tying these posts specifically to the weeks surrounding your release date. In other words, I won’t yet be posting “five things” for books that have been out for more than a couple weeks.)

Once I give approval and we figure out what Thursday it’ll post, you can go ahead and write the Five Things and get ’em to me a week before it’s scheduled to post alongside any and all appropriate author and book-buying links (Indiebound / Amazon / B&N / other store).

I’ve got slots open starting in January, so authors (or editors, agents, publicists): email now.

I’d like two weeks notice any time you send just such a request.

I also want a copy of the book. Print is preferred when available!

At this time, I do not want self-published material pitched for this unless we loosely know one another or unless you’re also a traditionally-published author.

Now, that’s gonna upset some people. And I don’t blame you.

But here’s the deal — whenever I put out this kind of solicitation, I get self-published authors sending me material 10:1 to trad-pubbed authors. And most of these books pitched are not very good. I hate to push that segment aside and I understand any sort of agita against gatekeepers, but I only have so much time in my day and only so much ability to vet material — as such, I am going to make this a kept gate. Apologies in advance, and maybe that’ll change as time goes on.

If you get accepted for a post, I’ll give you some more details on how to write ’em in terms of format and length. Those of you who have 10 Questions scheduled, you’re still all good to give me those unless you’d prefer to switch over to this format, instead — just gimme a shout.

Thanks, folks!

Writer’s Digest / Amazon / B&N / iBooks / Indiebound / Goodreads

Well, hot damn.

Got some great entries from the writer’s group photos. We actually had 19 different entries from around the country — and actually, around the world, since one such group is based in Dublin. (Click here to see all the photos! No, really. They’ve got pole-dancing. Miley Cyrus. Various weapons. Rubber duckies. Die Hard. Booze. A police line-up. And more!)

But, of course, my job here is to choose a winner.

Which is tough! Because so many cool writing groups.

But, I had to embrace the spirit of ass-kicking that comes with the book.

And as such, I’ve chosen to split the prize between two writing groups.

Reason? Both groups sent photos that embodied KICKING WRITERLY ASS.

The two winners:

Writers Under the Arch, and the Valkyries. Respective photos below:

and —

It was a tough call, but there you go.

Way this works is, I’m going to split the 10-book haul between the two groups and you can fight over who gets what internally. Since you are all clearly armed to the teeth with various bladed weapons, I expect this battle to be epic and brutal and put immediately on YouTube.

Those of you who sent me the group photos: hey, I’m going to email you.

And congrats!

Everybody else: you were awesome, the choice was tough.

Keep kicking ass just the same.

Whoa-dang. Been a big year here.

To my surprise and delight, the site has grown yet again in 2013. We have over 3500 subscribers and this year will take us over the 3 million hit mark which is, you know, it’s mind-boggling and eye-goggling and giddy-making and all that. YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY LIKE ME.

My goal as always here is to:

a) try to enlighten/inform

when that fails —

b) try to make you laugh

when that fails —

c) try to dazzle and confuse you with creative profanity.

Hopefully, I’m succeeding.

I see the site gets talked about in different places and seems to have fans up and down the spectrum of writers — from just-starting-neophytes to practiced professionals to the vengeful wraiths of dead authors. This isn’t strictly a writing blog, as obviously I use it to talk about lots of other things (toddler, liquor, coffee, food, culture, things, stuff, doohickeys, pornography, chimpanzees, unicorns, badgers, hobos, Night Ranger, hippogriffs, Cosby sweaters, and dildos).

Plus, it’s nice that a lot of what was here on the blog seemed to connect well — enough to demand the publication of The Kick-Ass Writer, which I’m told is doing well? Woo.

Thanks for checking out the site, obviously. I’ll have a few changes in store for the coming year (one of them I’ll be mentioning tomorrow, actually).

If you have requests for things you’d like me to talk about or suggestions for design changes, do scream it in the comments below and I’ll see what I can do.

You can also ask me things via Tumblr.

Anywho, if you care to see the top posts of 2013, boom. Got ’em below. (These are technically the top 2013 posts of 2013 — the actual top posts of the year include several from 2011 and 2012 yet, too, that sites like StumbleUpon continue to drive traffic toward.)

You’ll note that two of these top posts are by the magical sylph being known as “Delilah Dawson.”

Because she’s rad and you should be reading her books and stuff.

Top Posts of 2013

25 Things You Should Know About Young Adult Fiction

How To Push Past The Bullshit And Write That Goddamn Novel: A Very Simple No-Fuckery Writing Plan To Get Shit Done

25 Steps To Being A Traditionally-Published Author, by Delilah S. Dawson

25 Things To Know About Sexism & Misogyny In Publishing

25 Hard Truths About Writing & Publishing

25 Turns, Pivots, And Twists To Complicate Your Story

25 Humpalicious Steps For Writing Your First Sex Scene, by Delilah S. Dawson

25 Steps To Edit The Unmerciful Suck Out Of Your Story

25 Things You Should Know About Narrative Point-of-View

50 Rantypants Snidbits Of Random Writing & Storytelling Advice

The year is nearly complete.

With a brand new year ready to grow in its corpse.

Ah. Looking back, looking back. No regrets. Not much purpose. I don’t truck with regret. It offers me little. Regret is one of those vestigial emotions — it’s just a hanger-on, like a dingleberry or a hardened booger. Recognizing problems and moving forward is one thing, but clinging to the driftwood of your prior wreckage is just a worthless endeavor.

Swim forward or drown and all that.

So, 2013, then.

Been a great year, ultimately. My wife disentangled from her own professional life, leaving my writing career as the only provider of income for der Wendighaus, which is awesome in the truest sense of the word. Our toddler has grown in leaps and bounds and is now an actual human with increasing wants and needs and opinions. And also the occasional inexplicable tantrum which manifests like a tornado — by the time it’s there, it’s too late to get out of its way so all you can do is run to the basement and wait it out.

I traveled a lot. I went to Australia. I met phenomenal creative humans there — people I dare call friends as well as cohorts in this creative life. I fought an army of koalas with nothing but my fists and a pair of dirty underwear. I rode a cassowary. I did epic karaoke. You know. The usual.

I dunno. Life blurs. I’m like, “I know things happened?”

In 2013, I released the following books:

The Blue Blazes (the criminal underworld meets the mythic underworld!).

Unclean Spirits (the gods have fallen to earth and one man seeks vengeance against them!)

Beyond Dinocalypse (far-flung psychic dinosaur dystopia and the pulp heroes that battle there!)

Under the Empyrean Sky (oppressed dustbowl teens in a cornpunk future fight for love!)

The Kick-Ass Writer (1001 nuggets of boot-on-your-neck writing advice!).

I released a new Miriam Black short story, “Birds of Paradise” in the mystery and crime collection called Malfeasance Occasional: Girl Trouble.

I also put out my first (and ideally not my last) comic: a six-page pulp-action adventure starring occult adventurer Amanda Wynne: “Shackleton’s Hooch.”

And I’m working on my first serialized story — “The Forever Endeavor,” presently in the middle of its run at Fireside Fiction Company.

I wrote a buncha stuff this year, too.

I wrote Beyond Dinocalypse, which as noted, released this year.

I wrote Heartland, Book Two: Blightborn.

I wrote The Cormorant, the third Miriam Black novel.

I wrote a thing called The Nail — a horror novel I don’t know what to do with, yet. It needs a lot of work but I’m not sure exactly which direction to take it — lot of options. It’s kind of a keystone piece for me and ties together a lot of the mythologies of my many stories (you’ll find some of that too in “The Forever Endeavor,” actually, if you pay attention).

I wrote another YA thing I can’t talk about.

I co-wrote what I hope is a killer comic pitch with friend and fellow madman Adam Christopher.

And I wrote another novel-flavored thing I can’t talk about. (But may be able to soon…)

Plus, I blogged here every week.

All told, I think I wrote about —

*does some loose calculations*

*uses fingers, toes, nipples, antennae*

390,000 words of new fiction.

And about, mmm, conservatively, 200,000 words here at the blog.

A pleasing quantity. I cannot speak for the quality, sadly. But I’m hopeful!

In 2014… whew, yeah, wow.

I’ve got a lot of work to do.

I’ve got four novels to write in the next 10 months or so. /panic

I believe I’ll have a script to write, too, but I can’t say anything about that yet.

Plus, soon will be some Big Awesome Stuff announced. Some book-flavored news. Hopefully a comic thing. Maybe some news about a film or TV deal about one of my book series…

I’ve got some books landing on shelves in the next year, too:

The Cormorant releases very, very soon (January 1st!). Worth noting I’ll be launching that book at WORD Bookstore in Brooklyn on January 8th.

Summer will bring Blightborn, the second Heartland book. With that, if you pre-order, you’ll see a new Gwennie short story, “The Wind Has Teeth Tonight.” I’m actually really excited for Blightborn to release. It’s much bigger and sprawlier (*not a word) than Under the Empyrean Sky. Expands the world greatly. Ups the stakes. Was a great deal of fun to write.

Sometime soon you’ll also see the retitled and reworked YA launch of heroine Atlanta Burns in — drum roll please — a book simply titled: Atlanta Burns.

Plus, maybe a few other surprises. Giggle-snort-blush.

I’ll be traveling a lot, too. I’ll put up a more official schedule in the next week or two but I’ll be at Pike’s Peak Writing Conference, Phoenix Comic-Con, the Tucson Book Fest, and more.

So, there it is. That’s all she wrote.

How was your 2013?

How’s 2014 looking?