25 Humpalicious Steps for Writing Your First Sex Scene, By Delilah S. Dawson (Author Of Wicked As She Wants)

Some folks are allowed to post guest blogs here. Even fewer of those folks are allowed to take over the coveted Tuesday “25 Things” spot, but here’s Delilah Dawson anyway, with a post I couldn’t refuse if only because of the word “humpalicious” (AND ALSO SHE HAS A GUN HELP PLEASE HELP SEND HELP CALL SOMEBODY CALL ANYBODY). Delilah has a new book out today: Wicked As She Wants. You can find her at her blog or on The Twitters, and you can check out her book at Amazon or B&N or Indiebound. So without further adieu (CALL 911):

I never set out to be a romance writer. When I was asked to turn a black-out scene into steamy hot sex, at first I panicked. Then I followed these 25 easy steps and panicked some more. And then I got a three-book deal for a paranormal romance series with Simon & Schuster, despite being a somewhat prudish Southern girl who’s been married to her college sweetheart since 2002 and has never actually seen a pair of assless chaps. And you can, too! Here’s how.

1. First of all, get drunk.

See? It starts out with something easy. Pick your favorite liquor—the one that makes you loose and happy, not upchucking into a clothes dryer. Get comfortable. Light a candle. Have two drinks. Slide down in your chair. And then gently place your fingertips on the hot, slick… buttons of your keyboard. If you’ve never written a sex scene before, you’re probably going to be either terrified or embarrassed, and both of those emotions are a lot easier to swallow when mixed with vodka.

2. Pop your cherry in private.

So let’s assume you’re drunk and about to start writing words like “pert nipples”. Trust me on this one: you’re going to want to do it alone, not at Starbucks with some little old granny staring over your shoulder as some baby screeches to Jason Mraz in the background. You also don’t want some well-meaning and curious spouse or roommate butting in to ask if you could take out the trash or, even worse, to see how the pornifying is going.

3. Prepare to have hairy palms, but in your brain.

Writing sex is a lot like masturbating. It’s all in your head— what you like, what you think would be hot, what two ideal people would hypothetically do with a hypothetical saddle. And if you can translate that well enough into words, other people will be titillated and foam at the mouth for your books and stick greasy one-spots in your literary g-string. So really put your back into it.

And that’s another reason to do this alone: it can… affect you. In physical ways that can be embarrassing. Your hands might roam as you contemplate the prose, your mouth might fall open, a small moan of “Ooh, Thorin Oakenshield!” might escape you. Did you masturbate for the first time in a public place? If so… wow. Congratulations on not getting arrested, or at least on having a good lawyer. Do this alone.

4. Do not stop. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred paddles with a riding crop.

Sometimes, as a writer, it can benefit the story to leave a scene half-written, take a break, and come back to it. Not so with sex. What if someone stood up in the middle of your sweat-laced tomfoolery and went away to reblog gender-reversed Batman comics on tumblr? No, if you want it to read like one smooth, seamless experience, just write the damn thing in one heaving burst. You’ll make changes later, but don’t stop writing until the walls would look horrible under a blacklight.

5. Self editing while writing a sex scene is like apologizing during bad sex.

Just as all first drafts are vomit, and just as you need to get this scene hurled out, don’t go back and reread bits and rethink your word choices and how many times you’ve used the word “wet”. You’re going to use it a lot, if the sex is decent. Do not look back while you’re writing it or think about how wretched it is. Of course it’s wretched. It’s the literary equivalent of virgin sex. Just be glad no one’s mom is going to walk down to the basement and catch you on the pool table with your Hammer pants around your ankles.

6. Do not be a body snatcher. Unless it’s some kind of alien porn.

Some books switch back and forth between points of view, but in general, writing sex is far more fluid– HA HA FLUID– if you limit yourself to one character’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Not only does this help the reader keep track of pronouns and hands, but can you imagine having sex if you had to hear every single thought the other person was having? DEAR GOD, THE GROCERY LISTS. And that should go without saying– no grocery lists, even if you’re out of butter. Like Marlon Brando.

7. Consider the lowly Jimmy hat.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a romance book neglects to take into account that most women (and men!) have very strong feelings about whether or not they wish to end up preggers after a sexual encounter. A simple throwaway line about a condom, how glad she is she took her pill, how he’s always wanted a son, or why he has a big red V tattooed across his balls should do it. You are, however, forbidden from using the phrase “the telltale rip of foil”, as 50 Shades has copywritten it.

8. When in doubt, carefully study porn. I mean, read romance. And porn.

If you need inspiration, go read the sex scenes from your favorite romances– or check out Chuck’s post about it, including oodles of recommendations. See what works for you and what doesn’t. Notice how the author builds to it, what the characters say and don’t say, the words and euphemisms and cliches used. Or– best homework ever– have sex. Or watch porn. It’s not great for emotional value, but it can remind you of the very many bizarre ways bodies can meet. As a serious writer, it’s all too easy to get caught up in word count and plot and no adverbing and OMG, is spanking in this week? But at the base of it, we’re talking about a very primal act, and practice makes perfect for doing it *and* writing it.

9. Remember setting, because no one wants splinters in their pudendum.

Another pet peeve: a virgin’s first experience takes place in Earl Humperdink’s hayloft. Sounds sexy, but have you ever been in a hayloft? Dust, dirt, cobwebs, maggots, scorpions, stray cats, tetanus-laced nails, the scent of dysenteric cows, and possibly an entire barn full of zombies. Not sexy. So if you’re putting your characters in a weird place, trespass on someone else’s property and literally roll in the hay to see how very much it pricks your prick. Try having sex on a counter, or kitchen table, or a hammock. At the very least, simulate some moves in the setting and see if you can stay upright/undiseased/free of porcupine quills. If it’s not realistic, your readers will lose trust in you. And your ability to sex.

10. Let shit get cray.

I have no idea what this means. I wrote this list at 2am while on NyQuil. LET SHIT GET CRAY sounded pretty good at the time.

11. Words to avoid, even if they’re true.

Turgid, swollen, purple, wrinkled, tumescent, pert. Those are on my list. You probably have different ones, although I suggest you add “turgid” to it right now. While some words may accurately describe sex or a sex organ, they are not, themselves, sexy. Like moist. Or penis. I mean, it’s just an awful word, and all of you men should be ashamed of having one. Read several romance books and angrily circle the no-no words to refresh your mammary. I mean, memory.

12. How cray does it get?

Oh, wait! Now I remember why I wrote #10. Your first instinct will probably be to keep things very conservative and not let your freak flag fly at all, lest people see what a truly twisted nympho you are. But “John laid Mary gently on the bed and they did it missionary style and it was nice” does not sell 1/1,000,000th as many copies as “Mr. Gray beat a clumsy teenage girl with a garden hose and then stuck it in her armpit with a scoop of pizza sauce to lubricate.” Just as you have to let things get a little out of hand, you have to know when to rein it in. How far it goes will depend on your audience, and only erotica writers can really get freaky with pizza sauce.

13. Double rainbow? Unrealistic as hell, but almost expected.

Count the number of times you and your partner have had simultaneous orgasms. Unless you’re Sting, I won’t have to wait for the tally. It happens 4000 times more in books than it does in real life. But most readers will feel better if everyone gets their happy ending, even if someone has to be finished off in some other way, or one person uses their lack of confetti cannons as character development or a sign of why this relationship with the undead wereunicorn baron… dum dum duuuuuuum! CANNOT BE.

14. Have a cigarette. But a bubblegum one, so you won’t die of the cancer.

So you’ve just written The Best Sex Scene Ever. Time to end the chapter and move on to the real action, right? Wrong. Your story needs a lull, an afterglow, a reaction to the sex just as honest as people have in real life. It doesn’t have to be all cupcakes and rainbows—maybe he storms off, maybe she runs for the shower, maybe they tell Muppet jokes while he offers her a Clorox wipe. But what happens immediately following the sex can be just as important as the sex. It may seem like a small thing, but falling asleep in a lover’s arms (or not) for the first time can be a big deal. Especially if he’s the kind of guy who has a hook for a hand.

15. Just like in real life, avoid eye contact.

Ever notice how sex often makes things even more awkward? It may scratch one itch, but then it works you over like a hungry ferret and leaves you with hundreds of new trouble spots. After sex, the characters will glance away, avoid eye contact, doubt themselves, doubt each other, maybe rethink their involvement. Chances are, one of them feels more secure than the other. At the very least, even if they’re both happy, something in your story must push them apart, or they would just spend three months in bed, humping like rabbits.

16. Keep writing, motherfucker.

Because the story keeps going. Let the new sexual tension and awkwardness play into the story’s climax, but don’t let the entire point of the book be about sex. Most romance novels have a kissing or make-out scene that surprises both characters early on; one very detailed “first sex” scene somewhere between halfway and three-quarters of the way through; and then at least one other, “Oh, okay, we’re good at this; let’s hump HARDER scene” closer to the end. Your mileage/sexytimes meter may vary. But keep writing until it’s done.

17. Bad news: Hemingwway said you have to edit sober.

My writing process = vomit up an entire first draft, leave it to marinate slone in the dark, edit. Which works for sex scenes, as I need to get some distance away from them to really see them with new eyes and clean them the hell up. At the very least, don’t write the sex scene on Monday night and expect to perfect it on Tuesday morning. Go away for a while and let the fetid, bleach-like funk dissipate and harden. Then bring a chainsaw instead of a mop.

18. Don’t forget the granny.

Remember that granny at Starbucks? You can call this one Delilah’s Rule: The dirtier the scene you’re attempting to edit at Starbucks, the older and sweeter the granny that sits beside you. You can’t avoid it. Just be ready to show your aggressive introversion with headphones and slightly cant your laptop to the side. Because granny’s curious. And she probably misread the word “cant” and already thinks you’re a horrible person.

19. Count hands. Find panties. Provide tissues.

The little details can make or break a sex scene, for a reader. Have a clear idea what the characters are wearing before they start to get undressed. Make sure everything—or at least the obstructions– get removed in a sexy fashion. Make sure he takes off his socks and shoes if he gets totally nekkid, because… have you seen porn? Ew. Make sure there aren’t six hands touching that chick if there’s only one dude involved. When I wrote my first sex scene, the hero accidentally removed the heroine’s corset three times, which made me sound like an idiot with a corset fetish. AS IF.

Oh, and if you have one of those scenes where the guy “leaves his sperm” in “her vagina”, she can’t just stand up and slip on a short skirt and play tennis. If you don’t know why, ask your sex ed teacher. Give the girl a shower or a tissue or SOMETHING.

20. Hello, thesaurus. Goodbye, thesaurus.

The first time you edit your sex scene, you’re going to see these words a thousand times: hand, fingers, lick, taste, tongue, thigh, skin, hot, wet. Because… those are very accurate descriptions of the main tools of sex. You’ll want to vary usage so that it reads seamlessly. Be careful of using the thesaurus too much, though, because some words are too accurate and unsexy to work. “He laved her creamy pillows until his penis turned purple” might be true, but dry heaving should not be a reaction to sex scenes. If something stands out to you, rework it. Put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it.

21. Make it a jackhammer.

Remember in Mallrats, where they were doing the dating show, and the suitors were asked if their kisses were like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer? Gil answered, “Definitely a jackhammer, I’m in there with some pressure and when I’m done, you’re not the same as before. You’re changed.” And we laughed, because he was a douche. But your sex scene should be like that: it should move the story forward and somehow affect the characters emotionally. Maybe the hero learns to open up, maybe the heroine decides she wants to be more aggressive in her real life, maybe they’re just having what they think is a last fling before a giant orc battle. But it has to mean something, or else it’s just porn.

22. Ask someone else to read it and give you their honest opinion, preferably not a clergyman.

This is possibly the scariest part. With my first sex scene, I blushed and handed it to my husband. His response? “That’s hot.” And then I put down the bottle of wine. What works for you might not work for someone else, and you need an outside source you trust to tell you gently if your menage a trois with a penguin is just too much.

23. Edit again. Really. Did you count the hands?

Polish that rocket with a little extra elbow grease. When your regular book is rejected by agents or editors, it hurts like hell. When they softly and gently critique your sex scene, it’s like being kicked in the ‘nads and being told you’re a horrible lover. Do yourself a favor and really make it gleam, first.

24. Buy yourself some pretty new panties, sport.

I’m a big believer in letting shit go, especially things that have served their purpose. If you’ve written the scene, edited it, shared it, cried, accepted the criticism, edited again, and hit the send button? Forget it. Don’t stay up at night, thinking about how there really were four hands and a rogue penguin flipper on her freckled mound. Just put the entire book, story, WHATEVER, right out of your mind and start writing the next thing. Let those raggedy-ass panties with the stretched-out elastic go and buy some frilly ones, possibly in that exciting new “Tonga” style.

25. If anyone complains, do not fling used condoms at them.

Truth? For some reason, I can read bad reviews and nod along and think, “Yeah, okay, I guess I can see that; my entire book is Buffy/Pirates of the Caribbean cross-over fanfic.” But when a review says the sex isn’t hot, cites parts of the sex scenes negatively, or otherwise critiques that hot, steamy pile of lovin’ I concocted? I cringe. And it’s going to happen, every time. As a writer, you must understand that this says as much about the reviewer and their sexual issues as it does about you and your writing issues, and that you therefore—even more than usual—cannot say anything in response or defend yourself intelligently. Just shrug, watch some porn, watch some more porn, and write harder.

Because you know what? Writing sex makes you feel powerful. It’s like lingerie for your brain. It doesn’t matter what you look like, how you dress, how you feel about your body, or how you can dance: if you can write a sex scene, you can turn people on with nothing but words.

And that’s pretty turgid.

167 responses to “25 Humpalicious Steps for Writing Your First Sex Scene, By Delilah S. Dawson (Author Of Wicked As She Wants)”

    • I agree! This was hilarious! Also, I thought she said “it doesn’t matter IF you dress”, not “how you dress”, at first, which for some reason seemed really friken funny to me. I loved this!

  1. Totally needed this advice for my novel length fanfic. I have two different relationships that I will be writing about, and this really helped. And made me laugh. A lot.

  2. I wrote my first sex scene as a virgin… You can imagine how that went over. I might have been twelve or thirteen at the time. Apparently, there was a lot of smirking, winking, and gazing lovingly into the other’s eyes as they were “up all night.” Thank you for the wonderful article.

  3. I wish i had read this before i wrote and published my first book East Gate: supernatural academy…I am in the process of writing the second book (East Gate: Moonlight Blood) and stumbled across this. SO FREAKIN HELPFUL MY GOD! Honestly I wis i had someone like you (a complete stranger) to read and critique it for me before I venture out of self publishing to something better… Thanks for this post it is so goddamn helpful

  4. Alright I came here just for a laugh bc I was thinking I may want to write a sex scene featuring everyone’s favourite handsome dwarf sometime soon and when I read ‘a small moan may escape you “ooh Thorin Oakenshield”‘ I just lost my shit (read: I dropped my phone in the toilet…). Bc that’s exactly what I was thinking. Are you spying on me?!

    But thank you for this well-written, hilariously yet helpful article!!

  5. I typed in how to write a sex scene and came across this post. I am about to write my first sex scene for my first paranormal romance. This post really helped calm my nervous and makes me look forward to getting down to business. This also made me laugh…aloud…in the library. I am glad I read tip #2 before taking the plunge. Now I am going home to charge my lap top and tonight I’ll drink a little wine and light a little incense. Thanks!

  6. thanks so much! the first scene im going to write i want the guy to come early because its his first time and im sick and think its endearing but this definately will help for later chapters!

  7. There are very few things that make me laugh out loud, nay snort, but this is one of them. I have just made my husband read a love scene I wrote… feedback was… positive (thank goodness because frankly if he’s not with me noone else is going to be.) And I can confirm that limestone flooring in winter is a no-no (just in case anyone was wondering). I am reaching for my dictionary to look for the word “laved”..?!

  8. I’m so glad I found this article! I’ve been meaning to write a sex scene for my readers for so long, but I simply could not find the courage or confidence. However, now that I’ve read this, had a good laugh, and acquired some fascinating info. xD, I think that I will finally be able to get this sucker out! And by the way, keep on being awesome! 😀

  9. Thank you so much for this. A friend and I are writing a collaborative novel, and weirdly coincidentally got to our respective sex-scenes at the same time. Both of us are more ‘Fade to Black’ types when we write, and apparently in searching for help she came across this article.
    This has helped a great good deal. I didn’t get drunk, but I did have a Sam Adams while I wrote.


  10. Thanks for making me laugh … and for making me feel better about my sex scenes. Reminded me of the day my husband walked up behind me and and saw me studying “blow job” on the Urban Dictionary site. Good times.

  11. This is easily one of the most fantastic things I’ve ever read. Helpful, yeah, that too. But hilarious. I’m crine.

  12. Thank you so much for the rule about getting drunk. Despite reading and watching loads of porn, it was the only way I got past my writers block on actually writing it. Mind you, I don’t promise I wrote it well, But I finally wrote it, and I can work to improve from there.

  13. Hi Delilah! This post was awesome. I planned on trying this over the weekend, but alas, life got in the way. At least I got some ‘hands on’ research done 😉

  14. This was the funniest post I have ever read. I just started writing a few months ago and i have four different stories going at once. I don’t know if this is normal and I should probably work on one at a time, but this post will definitely help me in writing these scenes. It’s also a little hard to go from reading BDSM to writing a Regency romance, so I’m really glad I found this site. It is amazing.

  15. Thank you for sharing this! I found it rather entertaining. I first started writing erotica when I was about 17 years old, at the behest of a male friend of mine. He coached me, quite well, on what was expected in such stories and once we perfected my style of writing, I would write him such stories (and occasionally read them to him over the phone) for many years to come. I found writing them for men quite easy, but after about 5 years or so, I grew bored with it as they really aren’t many creative ways of having sex. I mean, sex is sex, right. The build up was in the story around it… that lead me to writing my first romance novel 15 years ago… Writing sex scenes for women (as most men wont read romance novels) is my new challenge. Challenge Accepted! Thank you, again. <3 😉

  16. […] And another article that I found after I had written out my basic how to’s. I swear I didn’t copy her, but it was hilarious we had so many of the same ideas: I found this off of Chuck Wendig’s website. This was originally written by Delilah S. Dawson. http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2013/04/30/25-humpalicious-steps-for-writing-your-first-sex-scene-by&#8230; […]

  17. I found this extremely helpful, seeing as I’m a virgin who’s never written stuff like this on paper before. I’m trying to write a fanfiction and this was exactly what I needed. Thank you!

  18. I came here thinking this post wouldn’t be too useful for me since I write in spanish (I live in Chile) but good god, did I laugh! and I learned! I don’t know exactly how I’m gonna tackle the scene I need to write right now, but I feel a lot better after reading this. Thank you so much!

  19. I am slightly drunk. I always get motivated to write my sex scenes when I am tipsy. I googled How to write a sex scene because I was struggling to find a word other than vagina. You made me laugh like a maniac, I love you. I come on too strong, just go with it. Thank you for this truly entertaining, accurate post!

  20. Okay, that was a lot of fun to read! I should be studying at the moment, but I needed a little break, and this made me very happy

  21. This is honestly some of the best advice I’ve seen for writing sex scenes. Thank you so much for sharing – and for the additional humor.

  22. I also ggogled “how to write a good sex scene” and came up with this. What a fantastic, and yes, helpful blog. Much Gratitude for sharing this. 🙂

  23. Yeah, I also googled “how to write a sex scene without being step by step”. Awesome, I think it helped a bit. Also it was funny as hell. Thank you so much!

  24. I have to write a sex scene for a story. The problem always is I have heaps of ideas for the scene but just can’t seem to put it on paper. This did help – a bit lol

  25. If you seriously write like this on a regular basis, I want to read more. It’s witty, funny, informative and well done. But I wonder… what am I gonna do with that sex scene ending that the kids interrupted? I tried so hard to keep them occupied while it was all fresh in my head. Might as well have someone walk in on them too. First times can be so full of embarrassment…

  26. This is like the best and most useful guide to writing sexy time that I have ever read 😀 And I have read quite a few, dear friend. Probably speaks volumes about my problems, haha! Thank you! I am now going to go spew something out 😀

  27. I’d like to add that the writer beware of wandering body parts. ‘His tongue shot out’ sounds as if we’re in the scene from Alien where the little creature shot out of the guy’s chest. Does the tongue have arms and is it strangling the poor girl?

  28. Thank you for writing what I think may be literally the ONLY useful ‘how to write sex scenes’ guide. I’m in the middle of my first and it’s harder (haha) than I expected.

  29. Omg this. This was exactly what I needed. My little southern white bread ass just finished writing my first sex scene and was devastated when my betas didnt like it. So I googled how to write a good sex scene and voila! You’ve presented an awkward topic with the perfect blend of humor, sass, and good advice. So much so that I can’t help but feel optimistic as I start my next go-round. Also, I desperatly need to read some of your stuff now.

  30. […] And another article that I found after I had written out my basic how to’s. I swear I didn’t copy her, but it was hilarious we had so many of the same ideas: I found this off of Chuck Wendig’s website. This was originally written by Delilah S. Dawson. http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2013/04/30/25-humpalicious-steps-for-writing-your-first-sex-scene-by&#8230; […]

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