Of Turtle Shots And Zodiac Signs


I Like Tuttles

Went to the Obi-Gyn Kenobi’s office yesterday to learn which particular brand of bait-and-tackle our upcoming child would possess. Boy parts? Girl unit? Some squirming squid-like mish-mash, some Cthulhu’s beard of uncertainty lined with stinging nematocysts?

Of course, to discern this secret truth it was necessary to get busy with the ultrasound wand. If you’re one of those people with kids older than… shit, I dunno, 10?… then I guess they can see a lot more these days with ultrasounds. You tell my mother about the ultrasound and basically it sounds like they had to rip her open and shove a submarine full of tiny doctors in there to report back on the health of my unformed heart.

Our first ultrasound showed an adorable poppet with cartoon cloud fists who persisted in punching invisible ghosts. Our second ultrasound revealed a child sucking its thumb — or, it did until you looked at the 3-D ultrasound, which actually revealed some kind of greasy unformed polecat curled around a boulder.

So, this ultrasound, we didn’t know what to expect.

Mostly, the kid looked like some kind of… specter? Wraith? At one point the tech lady pushed in with the ultrasound and the child’s face peeled away, illustrating some sort of… howling monkey skull, some wrothful rage-filled incubus. I honestly wish she had snapped that shot as one of our take-home Polaroid print-0uts so I could show it to our spawn years later.

“You’re 13 now,” I’ll say. “It’s time to show you the truth. See this picture? That’s you in there. In your mother’s womb. No, no, I know. You’re right. That is so not the picture of a human being. That’s an image of an undead baboon, its flesh flensed away by the keening winds of the underworld, scoured free of the bones by sand born of the Devil’s dandruff. You’re not our child. You’re some kind of hell-imp. Which explains your nascent teenage behavior. P.S., stop stealing Daddy’s liquor.”

It was truly horrifying. Then she pulled back and sure enough, there’s the kid again, sucking its thumb in the womb. Did you know they did that? Suck their thumb in the womb? I didn’t know that either. They can do all kinds of shit in there. They suck their thumbs, they cry, they do robot dances, they put up shelves. They’re busy. No wonder they scream coming out. I wouldn’t want to leave my kickin’ pad either.

She continued noodling around in there like some kind of ultrasound ninja, doing all these clicky-clickies and boop-boops. She showed us some crazy stuff — like, the four chambers of the heart, lub-dubbing away. Then we got to hear the heartbeat, which really just sounds like some news guy broadcasting from inside a hurricane while construction work goes on in the background. I was pretty sure I heard some construction worker catcall in the background. He used the word “gams.” Do people say “gams” anymore? They really should. Maybe there’s a time traveler inside our baby? Yeah. That’d be cool.

Sometimes the ultrasound tech lady would get so close to the baby it was like a Magic Eye painting. I’d sit there wondering, “Is that a dolphin? Mating with a tugboat? Is that Lady Gaga?”

One point she zoomed in good and close and I was like, “Oh, hey, there’s the child’s little face!”

And then she was like, “These are the kidneys.”

“Are the kidneys part of the face?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

Whatever, lady. You’re just a glorified joystick monkey.

At another point she asked, “When’s the due date?” And we told her, June 1st. I had no idea that I’d come home and find out that June 1st now meant our child was going to belong to the 17th Zodiac sign of Herpecin the Syphilitic Brine-Carrier. I mean, what the hell, people? I go to the hospital for a couple hours and I return back to find you’ve totally dicked up the Zodiac. Ophioucus? Ophicus? Ophiucus? Ohfuckus? Odie, from Garfield? C’mon, somebody’s just making that up. They’re just fucking with us. The astrologers figure we’ve had it too good for too long and now they’re just flicking nuggets of bullshit into our eyes. I’m onto you, astrologers. Your shit’s already not real, you can’t make it less real. What, are we going to add new Chinese Zodiac, too? “This is the Year of the Sugar Glider. Next year will be the Year of the Two-Cocked Coelacanth!” Are my Tarot cards broken now? Why does my divining rod only divine Diet Doctor Pepper? Someone went and broke all the mystic hoodoo!

Hrm. I feel like I’ve gotten on a tangent.

What I’m saying is, I gave the poor ultrasound tech lady a hard time, but she was actually quite nice. Right from the get-go she asked, “Do you want to know the gender?”

And we said, “Yes, yes we would.” We never bought into that, “But then it won’t be a surprise!” business. Really? Because it’s a surprise whenever I learn it. Whether I learn it at 20 weeks or when the baby karate kicks his way out of my wife’s baby compartment, it’s still news I did not know before. And knowing it at 20 weeks means we don’t get a shit-ton of “gender neutral” baby stuff. And “gender neutral” pretty much means “brown” and “yellow,” which are (perhaps not coincidentally) colors that are going to be coming out of the child at regular intervals.

Upon confirming that yes, we’d like to know if our child is going to want a ninja sword or a pink pony for Christmas, she instantly zoomed in real close and said:

“This is the turtle shot.”

And then she drew a circle around, well, what looked frankly like a turtle.

“Here’s the shell,” she said, pointing. “And here’s the head poking out.”

Then, just in case we were brain-diseased, she typed onto the screen, “BOY!!!!”

Which is, of course, what we’re having.

I knew it all along. See, during the first ultrasound, what was playing over the Obi-Gyn radio? Don Henley. “Boys of Summer.” And the first stuffed animal we bought for the tyke was in Hawaii — drum roll please, a sea turtle. Which is apparently a metaphor for “baby penis.”

I’m excited. At first I wanted a little girl, but now, I’m onboard with the whole “boy” thing. Frankly, I’m just happy he’s healthy. And that’s he’s not some kind of angry goblin hermaphrodite.

Oh, my wife wanted to ask all you people:

Advice!

Need baby books. But not crazy-person baby books, okay? But we need to catch up on some baby-reading. Anything you have, shoot it my way in the comments below.

Our baby thanks you. Gratitude, after all, is a trait of the 17th Zodiac sign of Herpecin the Brine-Carrier.


44 responses to “Of Turtle Shots And Zodiac Signs”

  1. Congrats!
    I found Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care good. Also, I am an advocate of having the baby in the bed with you, picking it up when it cries, etc. I breast fed for longer than most, so my advice may not be the most mainstream, but I think we need to respond to babies’ needs rather than impose our timetables on them.

  2. Yay! Congrats! Boys are so much fun! =)

    Dr. Sears’ Baby Book is awesome. It leans in the direction of attachment parenting…slings, nursing, responding to your baby’s needs (apparently some parents think this is optional?), etc. Plus, lots of answers to “OMG, what is going on here and how do I fix it?!?” I dunno if your wife is planning a natural childbirth, but either way, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth is an amazing, super-helpful guide to what is going on during labor/delivery. If she’ll be nursing, kellymom.com is a great resource.

  3. Congratulations on the boy child. Girls are fun, too. Both can be trained to do simple chores as toddlers, such as “Go get Daddy the crack pipe off the kitchen counter, and mind the hot stove burners.”

    On the books? The wife liked the “What to expect…” ones. A life saver after bringing our kids home was “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” That book will save your sanity. In fact, shoot me a DM on teh Tweetzorz, and I’ll send you a copy.

  4. First off, congratulations.

    Second off, you keep your kid away from daughter, Wendig! I’ll not have him hanging around my porch trying to pursue the Older Woman, or the Girl in the Country Next Door. You’ve been warned!

    (When I told Maggie, she asked me if arranged marriages were still in style.)

    Well, balls – that means we can’t unload all the girl stuff off on you. We should still have some boy stuff, we’ll get to separating and box up anything that is unisex, boyish, or flamboyantly flaming and get that down to you.

    Michelle – Some book are great, some are not so great. Honestly, what I recommend, is you talk to mothers. I found that baby books come to in two styles – overly preachy or idiotically optimistic, and neither are much help. I stress talking to mothers because they are going to have more insight on the confusion after birth. For example, Maggie had some severe problem with postpartum – that’s the kind of stuff only a woman can give you insight on. I am sure Maggie will be happy to offer her insight, if needed.

    And besides, you have to listen to Chuck. If that hasn’t turned you off from men for all time, you’re a stronger woman than me. I can’t even listen to my own voice without weeping.

  5. Congratulations! Boys are so much fun, and please, congratulate your wife for me on her foresight re: not being b=pregnant in the summer. Well done!

    “Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child” is good. Memorize it & put its ideas into place before your child is 3 months old. (Really. Please trust me on this one.) “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” is good, though the faux-Britishims will drive you batty, ducky. “The Happiest Baby on the Block” is good. Read all the parts on sleep and laugh, because while the advice is, no doubt, excellent, it can be rather more difficult to implement than those straightforward instructions might lead you to believe. Second the referral to http://www.kellymom.com for breastfeeding. “The Big Book of Birth” is a great labor/delivery book.

    And now I’m going back to sleep while my husband wrangles our own little 4-mos.-old hell-spawn who apparently needs no sleep at all to continue his mission of world domination. With any luck, I’ll be able to score a grand total of 2.5 hours of shut-eye before the sun comes up.

    Yawn.

    Good luck. It’s a blast, I would not trade even the no-sleep nights for anything in the world, (but good luck all the same…)

  6. I totally thought Michelle was having a girl, and I was totally dying to see you handle a girl, but you know what?

    Boys are great. 🙂

    Congratulations! I’m going to put out there that all first borns should be boys because they are way easier to get clean when you’re changing diapers, and that way you can ease into the horrors of the business. I came home one time to find Rich had used no less than eleven baby wipes to get Livvie clean because he’s not used to girl parts.

    You’re halfway there. The second half seems to drag but it goes by so quickly that you’ll find yourselves panicking that you don’t have everything you need. A little tip is that you don’t *need* much. Not really. You probably won’t actually use 70% of the things that Babies R Expensive is trying to tell you you need.

    I agree, though, that you should grab the Dr. Sears book, but one of my go-to resources is always Dr. Greene’s website. http://www.drgreene.com

    Congrats again!

  7. From Julie:
    I came home one time to find Rich had used no less than eleven baby wipes to get Livvie clean because he’s not used to girl parts.

    Don’t even fucking get me started. You woman-things are nasty. Just nasty. After Amber takes a giant crap, I feel like I am borderline violating her just to get all the poop cleaned out.

  8. You now have the General for your Army.
    Congrats! And I found the best book my dad ever gave me was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Oh, wait, you wanna get baby books. Right. Uh… the only thing I have of that type is “Family Dog” … but it’ll teach you how to make him sit and stay? Maybe… yeah.

  9. CONGRATS! Boys are awesome! And, as Julie noted, much easier to clean up when they poo.

    Two books I would highly recommend are the Baby Whisperer and The Wonder Weeks. Both were very helpful to me.

    Congrats again!!!

  10. I liked the “What to Expect…” series because it is easy to use and has all of the basic information you need. For something lighter there’s “The Girlfriends Guide To…” series. I also read Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, and though I didn’t agree with everything he said, it’s worth checking out because it is still full of good information, especially about illnesses. Of course, I was reading this stuff 10 years ago, so there may be trendier baby books out now.

  11. Congratulations! Gratulacje! Herzlichen Glückwunsch! Zorionak!

    Cannot wait for the inevitable “Pen-monkeys guide to writing while sleep deprived and encrusted in junior pen-monkey poop. Part 5: Baby powder may not be cocaine, but it sure feels like it!”

  12. YAY!!!! First of all, this was freaking hysterical. Thank you for the early morning giggles!
    Secondly, as a proud parent of a boy, CONGRATS! They are awesome and you will have so much fun! I will say, however, that the only reading I could manage the first two months of his life was the breast pump manual and this book: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Babys-First-Year-Second/dp/0553587943/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1295011454&sr=1-3-spell. These days I read books about finding teh balance between raising a boy with a backbone and compassion – finding that balance between a sissy and a bully. That’s the stuff that keeps me up at night these days. Just enjoy the time you have left pre-baby! It will go quickly! So thrilled for you!!!!!

  13. Congrats on your turtle! I am impressed with your ability to divine the sex of the unborn. I think you should turn that into some kind of niche website: an Ultrachuck or some such.

    But thats hot stuff, all kinds of excitement for you and Michelle. And we will definitely have stuff to hand off to you guys should you need it. Need being a somewhat funny word when it comes to baby stuff.

    As for books, Yumi and I have appreciated the Miriam Stoppard books, mainly because they come from the point of view of ‘here is what pediatricians generally recommend, now go trust your instincts.’ We enjoyed the straightforward simplicity, as we found several other books to have kind of a spiritual slant to them that we both felt we didn’t need from a baby book.

  14. Congrats, folks! The Wendig line shall continue! Let there be dancing in the streets and mead drunk from mighty horns!

    Or something.

    Looking forward to Twitter gold such as: “Was all set to write. Totally finishing PANDEMIC 2 script. Then the kid peed on me.”

  15. A man-child! Frankly, it’s a bit of a relief, since whatever child you have will have a ferocious beard. It’s a good fall-back career for a woman, but beards generally suit men.

    Cheers to you and your baby’s life support system. 😉

    P.S. You inadvertently blow the reveal in this post in an earlier paragraph by using “his”. See the paragraph which starts “It was truly horiffying.” Maybe a ninja edit is in order?

  16. Congrats on the boy. Or “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” if we wanna bring this to 8- pop land. Frankly, I live there.

    The new Zodiac is for deuches, I declare with less than a gnat’s nad sized nugget of knowledge. New is for suckers, I generally say. I’m typing this with a rock.

    Again, big congtatz00rzz to you & the lady!

    K

  17. Congratulations!

    Since you asked for advice: whatever happens, roll with it. You can act like you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t, but don’t let that preclude you from asking for help.

    Shop towels from Home Depot or an auto parts store work well for cleaning up puke, bodily fluids, etc., and are a lot cheaper than anything from Babies-R-Us.

    Update your life insurance and your will. Name a guardian, just in case.

    Don’t name the kid Oliver, Oscar, Otto, Orpheus or any other “O” name, because when he shows up for first grade, he’ll be listed as “Wendig, O.”, and someone will try to banish him back to the north woods.

    Again, congratulations!

  18. A big second for “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” It’s dry, but important. Please do not be one of those people who says, “Oh, my child can sleep anywhere: stroller, football game, in the Baby Bjorn as I scale Mount Kilimanjaro.” Yes, your child can sleep anywhere because you are not giving him/her enough good sleep at home. It’s full of great nuggest of information. For example, if your child has trouble getting to sleep at night, most people think: Oh, he must be getting too much sleep; I’ll keep him up a little later so he’s tired at bedtime. No. Exact opposite.

    I’ll also second “What To Expect When Your Expecting” with one big caveat: It’s not for everyone. Specifically, if you or the missus tend to worry or have any hypochondria in you, use with caution. The book is so extensive, you will be asking yourself stupid shit. “Oh noes, the baby kicked three times at the top of the hour. According to the book that might be a symptom of Guggenheim-Hogbottom Syndrome. To the hospital!” If you guys have cool heads–and I assume you do–it’s extremely informative.

    And, oh yeah, congrats! So no twins then? Sure there wasn’t another one hiding behind Sir Wendig in there?

    • Awesome stuff all around, peeps. I’ll comment more later, but am buried in work. Fornow:

      @Justin: No twins that we could see at any ultrasound. Unless he ate the other. Which is fine because that gives him more SEKRIT POWER.

      @Tony: Shit! Man, I really need to name the kid “Otto.” It’s a good German name. I’m going to have a hard time convincing the wife but for reals, we could have a gen-yoo-wine WENDIGO. Yessss.

      @Keith: New is for suckers, I generally say. I’m typing this with a rock. That made me laugh. Give yourself a high five.

      @Dave: Ninja edit COMPLETE.

      Thanks all for the book rec’s — and yes, I expect to be doused in urine often.

      But that’s not all that different from my life as it already exists. Golden Showers, ahoy!

      — c.

  19. Books?

    While she’s still pregnant spend the time you could be reading books, taking some time together; once the baby arrives, there will be no alone time with your wife for about a year.

    Don’t read books. Find people with happy babies and children that you actually rather like, and talk to them.

    Once the baby arrives, spend the time you might spend reading baby books with your baby instead and he’ll tell you everything you need to know.

    Congratulations and happy parenting!

  20. May the Gods bless your mighty son and all his works. (Much more impressive than ‘congrats’.)

    Baby books as in parenting books? Ack, there is no bible. What parenting books did your parents read? How about your grandparents? I’m guessing none. So either read as much shit as you can, or else nothing.

    Don’t you worry. Mostly it all just comes natural. Make your own rules. Whatever works for you. Trust your instincts. Believe me, when you have a child, you discover a mammoth fistful of Jedi instincts you never knew you had.

    If you’re stuck for names, go for something beginning with A or B. Studies show that kids with names beginning with A or B get more breaks. Give the kid an edge over the competition. He’ll thank you for it later.

  21. Told my wife the news, and she reminded me that we also liked “Your Pregnancy, Week by Week”. Also very informative with a little more of a scientific bent, which being a nerd, I liked. Keep in mind, also informative about negative stuff too, but if you are the calm types, you’ll like it.

    And then there’s this aptly timed new ad from Huggies:

  22. I don’t want to hijack and I want to keep this post–especially this post!–positive, but I don’t want to reply to those who’s advice is: no baby books, go with the flow, raising a baby is a natural process. That’s great advice for some people, but not for everyone. I know I liked having something _scientific_ to cling to amidst the madness. Yes, raising a baby is not like doing a chemistry experiment. You can’t just follow the steps and succeed. But I found it helpful to at least read about theories and alternative methods. And, as I mentioned up thread, some of the “conventional wisdom” is just patently wrong. As with anything in life, Chuck, you’ll just have to find what works for you.

  23. I really like The Baby Whisperer. You find yourself thinking “oh, that sounds like common sense, why didn’t I think of it on my own?” It has a lot to do with consistency and routine. My kid’s 2 now and pretty well behaved for having no self control. I generally give credit to starting his routines from birth. Congrats and good luck!! You (and your wife) will now be tired for the rest of your lives. 😛

  24. You could still buy a girl a ninja sword, you know. Coming from a girl that had her Barbies committing seppuku, ninja swords are greatly appreciated. Heck, I used one on the neighbor boy when he broke my nunchucks.

    In short, congratulations. Now you get to argue for the next six-ish months about a name. 😀

  25. Congrats man. Parenting advice books from my mother, who is kind of the local expert, (Baby wearing educator, La Leche League consultant, mother of soon to be 8, also owns a baby wearing business http://www.slingwithme.com ) her first suggestion is Dr. Sears.

    And she suggests to steer very clear of On Becoming Baby Wise series, apparently even the American Academy of Pediatrics don’t like them. http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/14/4/21

    Anyway, my two just ran off somewhere, so I’ll be running after them now!

  26. Forget all the books. If you want to prepare for parenthood watch any or all of Jane Goodall’s videos. Or just go to the zoo. Everyday. Ask to feed the monkeys or lions. Focus on your own sweating, squatting, grunting, stinking, oozing, farting, belching, laughing, crying, eating and shitting for the next six months or so. Get intimate with your reptile brain and your monkey body. Start grooming your partner, using your fingers and your tongue. You won’t sleep more than four hours, you won’t eat more than four bites, you won’t speak in full sentences for at least four months (more honestly, for four years). Every fear you ever had will become magnified in the long, dark nights ahead of you. But every joy will become larger, too. It will bring out your best. It will bring out your worst. And every fart, sigh, giggle, poop, puke, yelp and cry of your son will prove to be the most amazing, most colorful, most beautiful sights and sounds you will ever hear. No one else but your wife and possibly your parents and in-laws will agree. It doesn’t mater. Forget photos. Lose the videos camera. It will all be burned into your hearts. You are about to get back, as Mr. Havens said, to the garden. Prepare the nest, however you like. There is no such thing as knowing what to expect. Expect it all. There is no right bible of Expectation only Consolation—that we who have gone before you —we, total fucking idiotic miscreants without savings accounts, reliable cars, good personal hygiene or clues to effective parenting, made it, are making it, and if we can do it, by God, so can you.

  27. Congratulations, Chuck and Chuck’s wife! Another vote for the “What to Expect…” series.

    Advice: 1) Get one of those big buttons that say, “It’s a Boy!” and pin it to the baby carrier/car seat/whatever the hell you use to tote the kid. Because no matter how much blue you include in the kid’s wardrobe, many arses will approach you daily to enquire of the baby’s sex. You, sleep deprived and covered in sour spittle, will become frustrated. Trust me, the button’s easier than a garotte. 2) Always make sure the sea turtle is in the downward dog position before securing the diaper. A penis in the upright and locked position = a plethora of wet baby shirts.

    Good luck.

  28. I had a comment. It was something about gender roles, or astronomers vs. astrologers, or just some whacked out insult arising from our level of Internet familiarity intended to be a back-handed complement that would fall flat and feel awkward.

    But my brain is running on no sleep, so I forgot it.

  29. Boys: Easier to clean poop, but with the added occasional gleeful piss-fountain (apparently, pissing on Mom and Dad is the Best Thing EVAR.).

    I’ve got three kids — basically, my ex and I kept going until we had one boy. They’re all grown now — Oldest girl is 21, Younger girl is 17, and Boy is 15. Now, they can clean their own poop. Mostly.

    As for books, I’ll add my voice to the chorus of those recommending the “What to Expect” books.

  30. Some day Chuck we’ll be sitting around enjoying beers while your son and my nephew sit around playing cops and robbers. Or in the case of my nephew, Robber and Court Appointed Public Defender since he’s the son of two lawyers. XP

    Congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy! Just remember this kernel of truth: When you’re in a fancy restaurant and you’re in a ratty old t-shirt because it’s all you can find in your car after the kid threw up all over you after he had his bottle, you’ll finally get what your parents went through with you. And you will love them all the same. 🙂

    P.S. Remember I called dibs on naming the kid! I’LL HOLD YOU TO IT CHUCK!

  31. I’m usually not one of those screaming gender/sex people, but it strikes me as funny that someone would offer to let you in on the gender of your unborn child. If the kid turns out to be trans, you’d better go in there and demand your money back.

  32. Books, don’t bother! Are you & your wife capable of being caring, loving individuals? That right there is all you need to know, the rest is all instinct & intution. I have 3 children & each one was/is so entirely different, books on babies/parenting are very general. The rules is kids don’t come with instruction manuals, you just kind of make it up as you go along. Best of luck, being a parent is the best and most terrifying experience of your life!

  33. “What to Expect” is essential and it’s good for dad, too. But you MUST by “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy. I know. I know. But seriously, she tells you everything your mother, friends, neighbors, doctors will never tell you….the honest truth. And it hilarious to boot.

  34. Conga-rats!!!

    Boys are fun. Until they rig your favorite toilet seat to blow right in the middle of your best shit in over a week. Or piss in your eye Every. Single. Time. you’re within range, whether you’re the one changing the current diaper or not. Or come home with the fundie neighbor’s really cute 13-year old cheerleader daughter and tell you you’re gonna be a grandpa. All the rest of the time though? Much, MUCH easier than girls. Trust me. I’m a girl. I stuck to blowing up my Hot Wheels race cars and replacing all the tobacco in my mom’s cigarettes with cellophane and stringing Smurfs up in little nooses atop all the blackboards in religion class at Catholic school (which I’d already been kicked out of once for asking the local monseigneur why we were participating in cannibalistic bacchanals in church) and making high school guys who wanted to date me best me in a sword fight first.

    Boys are the best. You two are going to have so much fun 🙂

    Only advice from watching friends and family is a) keep a pee sock on hand whenever changing diapers, and b) don’t make middle-of-the-night feedings fun or entertaining. No matter how damned cute your little Wendigo turns out to be after he stops changing colors.

  35. All baby books are crazy. I read the bestsellers from the US, the UK and Germany. Alone the advice on whether or not to open bedroom windows will make you scream. IMO: Your best option is to read the extremes of craziness which will squelch the internal screaming as you wonder what the hell you are doing.

  36. Congratulations! Is it gauche at this phase to start recommending names? I was almost Johannan Mezinah. I recommend it.

    Not being named that, you understand, but *almost* being named that.

  37. Congrats! I always wanted a girl, and now I have 3 boys. Go figure. They’re super fun, though, and now I don’t know what I’d do with a girl. I totally agree with you and the ‘surprise’ BS. There’s going to be a lot of ‘surprises’ the day that child is born: what color his hair is, whether he’s chubby or skinny, how much goo can come out of your wife’s lady parts in one day, etc. Do you really need an extra surprise that day?

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