Welcome to my new Netflix show!
It’s called:
CLUTTERING IS GOOD ACTUALLY: IT IS LIKE A NEST MADE OF STUFF BUILT TO PROTECT YOU FROM FEELING FEELINGS
It’s a 13-episode season, each with a vital lesson at its heart!
Lesson One:
If an object sparks nostalgic regret and instills you with a curious mix of shame and forbidden pleasure, that object goes on a special shelf and that special shelf is called “your bed.”
Lesson Two:
If you can’t remember where you got an item or why you even have it that’s an opportunity to become friends with this mystery object.
Keep it close!
No, closer.
NO, CLOSER.
whispers: let it touch your skin
whispers: let it inside you
Lesson Three:
If you throw out an object someone gave you, they’ll know.
They’ll fucking KNOW.
And they’ll STOP LOVING YOU.
Lesson Three-Point-Five:
Never throw away a child’s drawings.
Not even the shitty ones.
Every time you throw away a child’s artwork, a child’s pet dies.
Lesson Four:
You only have enough books when you can build a castle out of them.
Yes, with a moat.
OF COURSE A MOAT, JUDY, STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS
Lesson Five:
Clothes naturally move toward the organic superstructure known as “a pile.”
This is science.
Nature abhors a vacuum but fucking loves a pile.
Lesson Six:
One day you will die and the best gift you can leave for your loved ones upon passing is a house full of dubious objects containing questionable value, the kind of objects that would earn a sour face from any curator on Antiques Roadshow. Collecting things is sometimes about creating a physical burden to pass along to your family members BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID
THAT’S RIGHT I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, COUSIN MARY
WHERE’S MY CHAFING DISH YOU HARRIDAN
OH OH I’M NOT GETTING IT BACK
WELL FINE I JUST LEFT YOU 20 SHOEBOXES FULL OF CABLES COLLECTED WITH UNCERTAIN POINTS OF ORIGIN
THEY MIGHT BE PRINTER CABLES OR RCA VIDEO CABLES OR THE CHARGING CORD TO SOME KNOCKOFF PALM PILOT FROM 1998
MAYBE ONE OF THEM CHARGES A SEX TOY
YOU JUST DON’T KNOW
THAT’S FOR YOU TO SORT OUT, MARY
YOU RAT
Lesson Seven:
Oh, yeah, you’re going to need more skeletons.
Lesson Seven-Point-Five:
Remember, if you can’t afford skeletons?
You can always make them.
Your house is a home and your home is a trap to any wayward soul or feral animal that finds its way in there! All a tomb needs is four walls, after all.
Lesson Eight:
You’ll fit into that sweater someday.
Remember, we all become skeletons in the end, and skeletons can wear most clothing without concerns over size or fit. Death is slimming!
YES JUDY WE ARE TALKING A LOT ABOUT SKELETONS
SKELETONS ARE IMPORTANT JUDY
GODDAMNIT
Lesson Nine:
If you throw something out, that creates waste.
But if you keep it, it contains value.
As compost, eventually.
Eventually we all become compost, Judy.
Lesson Ten:
Yes, MORE books, who the fuck ever said to STOP buying books
Lesson Eleven:
No, don’t clean your desk that thing contains tax receipts from 1988.
And also dead crickets!
Which I don’t need to tell you are protein, Judy.
GOOD HEALTHY PROTEIN which we are going to need when the shit hits the fan. That time is coming, Judy. The dark times. The mad times. The times where those who survive are those who chose clutter, who chose to surround themselves with objects that can be uses as tools or food or gladiatorial weapons in the Wasteland.
Ha ha ha I’m just kidding, Judy.
Now use that barbed wire to bind these cat bones to that shovel.
Lesson Twelve:
The joy of purging? Ha ha no way Marie Kondo, we’re here to talk about the joy of binging! Binging my new Netflix show, of course. And also stuff. So much stuff. Binge all the stuff. Collect it. Eat it. Build with it. Build walls. Build towers. Build effigies to the ancient gods. The ancient gods who collected people the way you collect office supplies you’ll never need. Three staplers? Who the fuck needs three staplers? That’s right, Judy. You do. You do.
Lesson Thirteen:
Like the Pharaohs of old, you surround yourself in life and in death with a bevy of beloved objects, all of which are sealed up in your castle of books, your tomb of stuff, your temple of semi-beloved shame-stained garbage, and now you are protected from wolves and emotions and you have so much knowledge and nobody can hurt you now, Judy, nobody but Cousin Mary, now eat your crickets and clutch your Cat Bone Shovel tight, Judy, the hill mutants are coming, the hill mutants are coming
*static*
* * *
WANDERERS: A Novel, out July 2nd, 2019.
A decadent rock star. A deeply religious radio host. A disgraced scientist. And a teenage girl who may be the world’s last hope. An astonishing tapestry of humanity that Harlan Coben calls “a suspenseful, twisty, satisfying, surprising, thought-provoking epic.”
A sleepwalking phenomenon awakens terror and violence in America. The real danger may not be the epidemic, but the fear of it. With society collapsing—and an ultraviolent militia threatening to exterminate them—the fate of the sleepwalkers and the shepherds who guide them depends on unraveling the mystery behind the epidemic. The terrifying secret will either tear the nation apart—or bring the survivors together to remake a shattered world.
warjna says:
Sometimes, you make me wonder, Chuck.
Other times, you make me understand.
January 8, 2019 — 9:17 AM
conniejjasperson says:
“Cat-bone shovel” – hah! We did actually find the mummified remains of a dog beneath the bags of garbage in my late uncle’s garage. That was a surprise. That and the 57 Chevy, also beneath the bags of trash.
January 8, 2019 — 9:20 AM
Ruth Dupre says:
Lesson Fourteen : You never, never, ever want to get rid of anything. Ever. Why? Because it hurts their feelings. Have you never heard a teddy bear cry???? (Cat Bone Shovel would be a great name for a rock band, btw.)
January 8, 2019 — 9:21 AM
Cognomen says:
Mid-purge, I laugh Chuck. wait until you enter my vast, empty lair. you will loose the floor is lava. there is so much floor. the lava will get you. i have created the ultimate book castle vestibule. Maybe I’ll fill it with snakes.
January 8, 2019 — 9:25 AM
susan1859 says:
And it’s not hoarding if I stuff my Kindle cloud with books about decluttering. It’s called research. I think you’ve cornered a market here- anti de-cluttering. I’ll be the first in line to buy the book…when I find my wallet.
January 8, 2019 — 9:28 AM
Jo says:
Don’t know about a castle but I’ve got enough books to build a Gothic German cathedral. Will that do? (With spire, of course. Duh. What kind of fool do you take me for?)
January 8, 2019 — 9:29 AM
Suzanne Lucero says:
Where, exactly, in this wasteland of piles of clothes and barbed-wire things, are the outdated cans of food that you HAVE TO HAVE JUST IN CASE YOU ARE CUT OFF FROM ALL FORMS OF NURISHMENT?
The cat, a mediocre form of animal protein–which in and of itself will eventually inflame and clog your arteries and kill you–is dead, remember? You tied its bones to a shovel to ward off attacks.
NOW YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE!
THERE IS NOTHING TO EAT.
NOTHING AT ALL.
Get out of that, if you can, oh wiley one of the next, great dystopian novel.
January 8, 2019 — 9:31 AM
Iola says:
Crickets. You grind up the dead crickets and make bread. Add turmeric for flavour. Apparently (according to the turmeric and cricket bread available in my local supermarket), cricket flour is the protein of the future.
On that basis, I’m happy to be stuck in the past with my books.
January 9, 2019 — 2:07 AM
Suzanne Lucero says:
Splendid idea, though I agree I’d much rather be stuck here with my books … my castle of books.
January 9, 2019 — 9:07 AM
Stephanie Ballard says:
Well, now I want a book-castle.
January 8, 2019 — 9:32 AM
Donna Gwinnell Lambo-Weidner says:
Ha…too funny. Me too!
January 8, 2019 — 12:20 PM
Maria Rachel says:
Don’t we all tho
January 8, 2019 — 12:29 PM
John Harding says:
Number 5. I might have it tattooed somewhere. (like on an enemy?)
January 8, 2019 — 9:38 AM
Steve Fahnestalk says:
I’m sorry, I’m laughing too hard to comment.
January 8, 2019 — 10:18 AM
lcbennettstern says:
“This is science.
Nature abhors a vacuum but fucking loves a pile.”
Science…for the WIN!
Thank you for this most important message. My reasoning for keeping everything I’ve ever touched is: when I die, my kids’ grief will turn to “I fucking hate that bitch for leaving all this crap for us to clear out!” Which will hasten the grieving process, so they can move on with their lives after I’m gone. It’s the least I can do for those I love.
January 8, 2019 — 11:18 AM
Widdershins says:
Brilliant! 😀
January 9, 2019 — 7:40 PM
Maria Rachel says:
I feel called out.
January 8, 2019 — 12:33 PM
bcookin23 says:
Have you already pitched the origin story for Judy? I’m really interested in hearing about her motivations as she listens intently to your wise instruction
January 8, 2019 — 1:57 PM
Dusty Rhodes says:
I need your reality TV show, STAT.
January 8, 2019 — 2:00 PM
Tom Darby says:
I knew my wife was wrong about purging.
January 8, 2019 — 3:11 PM
paigevest says:
YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF MY DARK AND MURDEROUS SOUL, CHUCK!!
*black heart emojis*
January 8, 2019 — 9:31 PM
Silver says:
You are a hero after my own heart Chuck! One I feel would be on my side if ever I decided to take up those with many undisguised looks of horror when they see the books I have in my treasure house.
For a while, I glibly countered them with my dream of a free public library, back in in the tropical barrio where I lived a wild, third world country childhood. Saved from cultural deprivation by old books and magazines, an eclectic mix gleaned by my parents every time they visited the book filled homes of their relatives in the city.
I have to yet to build that library. I subscribe to the Little Free Library to keep the fire burning. But I don’t think little will do it…
Here’s to buying more books!
January 8, 2019 — 10:57 PM
Cara Nielsen says:
So glad everyone else is purging so I can amplify my book-castle collection. Mwahaha. Secret plan complete.
January 9, 2019 — 4:32 PM
Widdershins says:
Cat-bone shovel shovellers of the world, unite!
January 9, 2019 — 7:41 PM
Deborah Makarios says:
“All a tomb needs is four walls.” All a baby’s play-pen needs is four walls. If you want a tomb, you need to invest in a nice solid floor and roof – preferably weather-tight, otherwise how will you contain the stench to be unleashed upon unsuspecting generations in millennia to come? Like these guys: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-44893804
The moral of the story is: leave dead people alone. Just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they can’t make you regret your life choices.
January 9, 2019 — 9:20 PM
Awkwardly Alive says:
I love you and you brilliantly bizarre mind, Chuck Wendig.
January 10, 2019 — 8:20 AM
Minded says:
Where do you keep your skeletons Chuck? I feel the wardrobe is a rather boring place for them, are yours in your writing shed to help you with the writing and working?
January 10, 2019 — 8:53 AM
LSJ says:
Worried about all the cats now. And Judy. She’s gonna snap one of these days, and it’s gonna get crunchy.
January 12, 2019 — 8:54 AM
Kate'sFree says:
Favorite episode: “Marie Kondo Dies Screaming”
January 12, 2019 — 3:59 PM
Undine says:
Yes to buying, collecting and reading books. Always and forever. Read 59 actual books last year, got a stack of 25 waiting for me. Life is good.
January 12, 2019 — 8:12 PM
Uzma Sayed says:
Looks like Judy’s learning from the best of the best. Cousin Mary stands no chance.
January 13, 2019 — 3:31 PM
Madeline Johnson says:
Hysterical.
January 13, 2019 — 6:06 PM
jitterful says:
What if these items bring me joy?? maybe then a dust bunnie would get its wings
January 13, 2019 — 10:27 PM
Germano says:
Very very good!!!
January 14, 2019 — 2:17 AM
melissaroserambleson says:
Hilarious!
January 15, 2019 — 11:31 AM
athenagrayson says:
Chuck how are you spying on me?
Because I have that box of cables. With every single one of those cables. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
And can you not hear the screaming? The screaming of the broken Transformers, and the Barbies without legs, and the talking toys whose batteries occasionally spark with enough unholy, eldritch power to emit the horrified gurgles of snippets of their original chipper ABC songs? DO YOU NOT HEAR THEM SCREAMING?
January 15, 2019 — 2:12 PM
Beleza says:
This is amazing!
January 16, 2019 — 12:36 PM
thesecrettoahappylife says:
Absolutely hilarious, and truly inspiring, maybe I will just hold onto that completely trash item that I have never gotten rid of yet have no idea what it is or does for a bit longer! Power to me!
January 16, 2019 — 4:07 PM
JuneBug says:
This might be the best thing I’ve ever read.
January 23, 2019 — 10:46 PM
spreadingtheword4u says:
Can we dip the crickets in chocolate?…(I love chocolate) lol this was a very interesting piece to read thanks so much for the laughs.
January 30, 2019 — 8:45 AM
Annelise says:
This gives me life.
February 12, 2019 — 4:57 AM
Dave Branson says:
I can’t wait to share this with my wife. Maybe now she’ll see my point of view on kids’ artwork.
April 16, 2019 — 3:13 PM
Nikkia Reveillac says:
My daily nightmare.
Lesson Three-Point-Five:
Never throw away a child’s drawings.
Not even the shitty ones.
Every time you throw away a child’s artwork, a child’s pet dies.
April 23, 2019 — 7:53 AM