Sometimes I hate to do these cursory updates, because it assumes you can actually muster a fuck as to what I’m up to. Hell, I don’t blame you for not caring. I’m not sure I care all that much, and it’s me we’re talking about. Really, I’m kind of boring. It’s like, “Hey, Chuck, what are you doing?”
“Oh. Well. The usual.”
“Does that mean…?”
“Mm-hmm. Sitting here, scraping lint out of my belly button with a pistachio shell. Drinking gin out of a dirty pencil cup. Making things up inside my mind and then writing them down.”
“The sexy life of a writer.”
“The sexy life of a writer, indeed.”
*scrape scrape*
Let me ask up front: do you like these updates? Do you read them? Feel free to answer honestly (though, also, tactfully — please no, “Dear Shitbeard, I don’t give two rats fucking in a jizz-lacquered gym-sock whether or not you update us as to what’s going on in your life. Love, The Internet”). For now, however, I am left to rely on my ego to get me through the writing of this post. Hence: please enjoy the stuff I am doing.
Monsters With Uncertain Bowel Habits
It’s been, mmm, let’s see, two weeks since I said, “Hey, errrrbody, I’d like to pick up some more sweet sales of Irregular Creatures because it is a short story collection that features flying cats and hell-vaginas and it’ll make you laugh and it’ll make you cry and also I need to buy some more coffee soon so DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME.” I said I’d like to get another 400 sales and I also said I’d update you crazy kittens as to how that plan is doing. And so here I am. Update in hand.
Well, in two weeks time I’ve sold 76 copies, which is nice. Especially since the previous two weeks saw only about 20 copies sold. So, 76 out of 400 means I’m… *counts on fingers, toes, nipples, nosehairs* just about 20% of the way toward my goal. That’s lovely, and thanks all for helping spread the word. Cat-Bird and the Magical Hobo Hermaphrodite thank you, too.
I must also thank Fred Hicks, who shouted out to Irregular Creatures over at Jim Butcher’s bloggery-space, and I’ve zero doubt that this shout-out also helped contribute to sales.
If you wish to procure Irregular Creatures directly through me, you can buy via THIS LINK via PayPal.
If you want it through Amazon (US), THIS LINK is your best friend.
If you’re across the pond, Amazon (UK) offers you THIS LINK right here, mate.
Thanks, too, for the many who’ve left amazing reviews on Amazon and Goodreads.
Where You Can Find Me
I’ve now contributed nine articles to The Escapist, with, I believe, a tenth on the way. You can find all my articles here, but were you inclined to see what I’ve been doing there recently, you might wanna check out:
First: How Games Get Zombies Wrong. A little ditty about how video games don’t quite grok the narrative potency of the zombie sub-genre, of which I am notably a fan.
Second: Evolution, Not Deviation. In which I discuss how when doing a sequel, it’s easy to do “more of the same,” but on the other hand, it’s dangerous to do different.
Speakazombies, a casual reminder that you can pre-order Double Dead from Amazon (Pre-Order US or Pre-Order UK). Described by me as, “A vampire in zombieland.”
Hey! Look. The Forsaken Chronicler’s Guide is out.
Human Tales is out. I’ve a short story in it!
What I’m Working On At Present
I’m working on a new novel while I wait for Double Dead edits. The new novel — CODENAME: SHUCK RAT — is coming along nicely. Too nicely. That’s how crazy we writers are — it’s going so well, I’m worried. “Why am I enjoying this? This feels so right. It’s not supposed to be right. Where’s my fear? Where’s my gut-churning acid-burn? Why isn’t my heart in my throat? Nurse. Nurse!”
I’ve got a cover coming in for Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey as I finalize edits and add my own “director’s commentary” to the book. It’s a biggun. It’ll top 100k when all is said and done. Chocablock with writing advice and whatnottery. I’m loosely soliciting quotes from folks if anybody feels like blurbing the pants off this monkey motherfucker. Gimme a shout.
Got some film and new media projects bubbling on the stove.
Also will soon be open for summer work. You need a penmonkey, please do not hesitate to contact me. I work clean, fast, and friendly. Plus, I’m having a baby soon. Don’t make me shake him at you.
The baby is the other thing we’re working on. We now are loaded to bear with baby shower gifts. And something called a “diaper cake.” Which is not a delicious cake made of diapers. I mean, okay, fine, it’s adorable, but totally inedible. I know. I tried gumming that thing for hours. All it did was soak up every drop of saliva in my body. Absorbency, man. Absorbency.
Things I’m Enjoying
Almost through with Robert McCammon’s THE FIVE, which is an incredible psycho-horror rock opera as a band is hunted by a sniper. Totally different than anything McCammon has done.
Laughing at two new sitcoms: Workaholics on Comedy Central and Happy Endings on ABC.
Digging the new Beastie Boys album.
Portal 2 was crazy good.
Dragon Age 2 was crazy good, but in a different way.
And I think that’s all she wrote.
Beard the fuck on, friends.
Go forth and suck unicorn.
Sarah Brand says:
I read these updates! As someone toying with the idea of maybe theoretically possibly being a freelance writer someday, I find it instructive to see what actual freelancers are up to. And by “instructive,” I guess I mean “alternately envy-inducing and sobering.” Blog on, and congrats on acquiring the iced tea maker. (Is this for sweet iced tea? I’m Southern, so I have to check.)
May 5, 2011 — 12:45 AM
KDJames says:
Dear Shitbeard? That is so awesome. Much scarier than Blackbeard or Bluebeard or any of those other snarly pirate names. You, Sir Shitbeard, command the high seas of the internet with your reign of terror and whatnottery.
I do enjoy these updates about the stuff you are doing. Never mind that I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about half the time since I don’t read SF/F and my idea of gaming is spider solitaire. I love it anyway. It’s sort of like a glimpse into a parallel universe of really weird but ineffably cool people who do wildly different creative things and get paid for it (or at least collect people who cheer them on) and that gives me hope that we haven’t devolved into a society of insipid mindless lock-step drones whose sole desire is to see the same [descriptive political expletive deleted] [you’re welcome] restraints inflicted on all others who are Not Like Them.
So, yeah. Updates. BTFO, Sir Shitbeard.
BTW, I know tradition says a pirate should clench an actual cutlass between his teeth. And I’ve got to admit, it’s a good look for you. Especially with that eye patch. But really, a small dagger is fine. Once the spawn arrives, you’re going to want to stop dripping blood from all those cuts in your jowls.
May 5, 2011 — 12:46 AM
Sparky says:
Dude, of course I read these things. They are interesting, entertaining and informative (in a somewhat voyeuristic way) . Calm yourself, you are far below the annoyance threshold of self important updating.
Still working on getting friends to buy Irregular Creatures (the pain of digital books, purchase for redistribution is a bit of a trick).
I look forward to Double Dead though I hope it gets a kindle version. If not then I shall obtain it anyways.
Glad you like Portal 2, I wish I had a box with the power to run the thing.
Now if only I had a project in need of a penmonkey this summer I would know where to go to get one. Unfortunately right now the only thing I am working on is revising the novel and trying to find something to write for the second novel.
May 5, 2011 — 6:08 AM
annaliterally says:
You bet your ass I read these things.
I don’t know how you find the time to do your blog AND fulfill all of your penmonkey obligations. If you have some kind of time-stretching machine, where you can manage to get thirty hours out of every day, all I can say is: please share that motherfucker.
BFTO
May 5, 2011 — 8:04 AM
Kate Haggard says:
Dear Shitbeard, I don’t give two rats …
I kid. I kid.
It’s sort of an inspiration to see your crazy amount of work and your growing success. “If Shitbeard – an average dread pirate of the filthy seas – can make this crazy gig work, so can the rest of us mortals.”
Plus you’re good people. I like keeping tabs on good people.
May 5, 2011 — 8:16 AM
Anthony Laffan says:
Add me to the list of folks who read this and like it.
It’s good to see what is going on. If nothing else, it’s helping me figure out how to structure my upcoming jobless days to do some creative stuff while looking for work.
May 5, 2011 — 8:31 AM
terribleminds says:
Thanks, peeps. Well, I’ll keep… erm, entertaining with the occasional peek into my writerly existence.
Total sidenote, and a big double-thanks to all viewers here:
Last May, I had 20,000 looky-loos here at the ol’ blog.
This May, I had that many looks in the first four days of of the month.
So, y’know. Wow. And thanks for coming here!
— c.
May 5, 2011 — 8:41 AM
Marek says:
I read the updates, but not as often as I used to. Writing and blogging took a back seat while I learn Spanish and try to make money off the Internet the old fashioned way: whoring my skills out.
I am thinking off dropping part of my first penmonkey check on a Double Dead pre-order as Anna seems to really like the premise and I want to give her a nice gift for Christmas/anniversary/Internation Day of Solidarity with Torture Victims. Whichever comes first.
May 5, 2011 — 9:00 AM
Amanda says:
I love the updates. So, thanks.
And those diaper cakes taste better with frosting.
May 5, 2011 — 9:07 AM
Joseph McGee says:
I ingest your updates like bacon flavored soul cakes. It’s nice to see what’s going on in the world of writerly madmen.
On a serious note (what!? bacon flavored soul cakes aren’t real!!?? DAMN!) I value your direct, honest and casual no nonsense, BTFO approach to the writing life. You can only truly offer your own subjective observation/report and that’s what you do. So…keep doing.
Or else I may summon an entire army of Twilight T-shirt wearing Garden Gnomes to hold you down and shave off 3/4 of your beard..leaving you with just enough beard to anguish over what has been taken and forcing you to eat the rest of the hair in a diaper cake.
May 5, 2011 — 9:23 AM
Ali says:
This updates make me happy. I like to see what you’ve got going on — for two reasons. One, so I can put your projects on my To Buy List. Two, because it’s kind of inspiring that you do so many things at once. I’m a champion multitasker, but I think you might put me to shame.
Also, having been to a baby shower recently, I find I prefer regular cake to one made of diapers. Cute, but anything called ‘cake’ should mean I can eat it! *grin*
Hilarious, and true, about writing when there’s a lack of anxiety. When things start going that well, I immediately assume that my story (or scene or poem) is going to suck. But that’s just a healty dose of writer paranoia creeping in.
May 5, 2011 — 9:38 AM
Darlene Underdahl says:
I like the updates. You’re like a crazy step-son I don’t have to chase around shouting, “No, no, no! You will not light firecrackers in the middle of a heat wave, in the desert, upwind from a new suburb. No! You won’t do that! (The kid is actually very smart… go figure.)
May 5, 2011 — 11:49 AM
midnightblooms says:
I love these small windows into a freelancer’s job. They knock some sense into me whenever I consider quitting my day job to write full time. Well, not when that guy comes by my office. You know the one–rude, loud, foul-mouthed…hey! You are that guy, aren’t you? Admit it.
Seriously, I love these posts and your blog. (And in case you’re curious, I’m here from Lilith Saintcrow’s blog. You had me at “The Penmonkey’s Paean.”)
May 5, 2011 — 3:28 PM
Elizabeth Newlin says:
I LOVE happy endings! the show too. I’m afraid i’m a gaycist.
May 5, 2011 — 3:34 PM
Brandy says:
I was directed here from the little community over at Flash Fiction Friday (THANK YOU for this week’s prompt, by the way! I alsmost didn’t make the deadline :/). I’ve enjoyed every post, although I keep wanting to throw in on the Friday Flash prompts and just never quite get my proverbial shit together enough. It’s nice to get glimpses into other people’s “process”, especially in such an amusing and compelling way. And writers who so openly and gladly interact with their readers are the best (other examples of this are, of course, Neil Gaiman and Christopher Moore). When a writer does that, even if their stuff isn’t my “usual thing”, they gain my interest and respect, and I’m more likely to become a regular reader. Of course, your stuff IS my “usual thing” (zomg flying cats and fuckyeahzombies!), so I”ve become a sort of regular lurker, trying to glean bits of your penmonkey juju. It also doesn’t hurt that you interact with people on Twitter who I am also connected to, so that’s kind of cool. Now…back to budgets and spreadsheets and academia. Which don’t suck unicorn. They just suck.
May 5, 2011 — 4:02 PM
Miranda says:
This is my first time reading your updates, and I must say – it went fast. Good job shoving a lot of information down my throat and not choking me.
And yes, I have suffered the bane of sequels of the same ilk and lesser quality.
Congrats on the baby making too.
May 5, 2011 — 4:20 PM
Lauren says:
I like seeing the updates. I enjoy peeking at Elizabeth Bear’s, too. I suspect it’s because it gives me a glimpse into how other people tackle their work. Which reminds me that I’ve forgotten to update my own state-of-the-wordifying for a couple of months. Must remedy that.
Also, my mother-in-law makes diaper cakes. They are cute but rather disturbing, as a concept.
May 5, 2011 — 4:22 PM
Will says:
I’m often slow to come by here and get caught up on the day’s Chucktastic bloggery, just because I don’t read blogs until late in the day to remind myself that I want to be a writer. That said, I’m always glad to get these updates into who you are, where you are, and what you’re doing. It’s a nice touchstone on the journey — a chance to stop and look around and take in the, you know, the stuff. So keep on, Chuckenstein. Keep on.
May 5, 2011 — 6:30 PM
M C Funk says:
These are indispensable posts. Keep ’em coming; I’ll keep the beard growing.
May 5, 2011 — 7:13 PM
inkgrrl says:
Hells to the yeah babycakes. Love ’em! Please to not stopping.
After all, Yaga would totally keep updates flowing. Gotta get that fuzzy love out there ya know. Even in the face of impending babyhood. I mean fatherhood. Something involving diapers.
May 5, 2011 — 8:24 PM
Michelle B. says:
Ha ha “suck unicorn”.
Keep those updates comin’
May 5, 2011 — 8:47 PM
Coyote Southbridge says:
I’m on the update bandwagon as well. Your updates are timely enough to remind us of your credentials and infrequent enough that they aren’t shoved down our throats.
Also I am very glad that I’m not the only one who finds Happy Endings hilarious. I fear it will not survive, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.
May 5, 2011 — 9:36 PM
terribleminds says:
@Coyote: I thought HAPPY ENDINGS was doing well in the ratings? Man, I hope so. It’s actually very funny.
— c.
May 6, 2011 — 6:48 AM
IHardy says:
Love your updates, you crazy human, you…!! 🙂
May 6, 2011 — 9:34 AM
Gloria Oliver says:
Think of these as working your way up to monthly newsletters. People care. It’s sometimes hard exactly to understand WHY they do, but they do. (At least that’s what I tell myself as I grind through working mine up each month.) 🙂
And it’s nice to hear good news and what’s going on. So I say, keep ’em coming!
Have you had a chance to check out the comedy Breaking In? It’s a blast as has a ton of fan geek fodder. Just fun for fun’s sake.
See ya, Beard Daddy!
May 6, 2011 — 3:55 PM
CMStewart says:
In which I pretend you give a rat’s ass about whether I pretend to give a rat’s ass about what you’re up to.
Sure, I skimmed it.
Beard the fuck on, indeed. 🙂
May 7, 2011 — 12:35 AM