The elevator pitch.
The logline.
The query letter.
The back-of-the-book marketing copy.
One of the skills of the author, regardless of publishing format, is pitching your book in a way that is both concise and exciting to people who might be editors, agents, booksellers or readers.
So, it’s time to practice those skills here and now, in Ye Olde Comments Section.
You’ve got a WIP (work-in-progress), yeah? Then I want you to go to the comments section and give us the shortest possible pitch you can give for the book while still maintaining maximum engagement. You want to hook us with this pitch — not necessarily reel us in. Meaning, the pitch isn’t used to describe the entire novel. Just the most exciting part — the promise of the premise. A glimpse into the protagonist, the conflict, the stakes. Why do we care? Why would that pitch make us salivate? What is it really about and why will that grab us?
It’s a tricky skill.
As I say with a query letter, it’s like taking a 500 lb. pig and putting it into a 5 lb. bucket. Except with a logline, it’s more like shoving a 500 lb. pig in a fanny pack. Epic rendering necessary.
Keep your pitch between one and three sentences.
That’s the only restriction right now.
The other thing, though, is that once you post it?
Expect people to comment upon it. The goal here is to refine your pitches, not put them up for museum display. And if you post a pitch, please make a comment on someone else’s pitch, too.
Now, step up to the pitcher’s mound and let fly.
Jocelyn Reekie says:
2nd attempt.
Escape from prostitution and the man who put her there is Nadia Borokov’s goal. Escape from white man’s corruption and the death they’ve brought with them is Young Seal’s goal. When Nadia and Young Seal meet, their battles are joined, but only one of them will triumph and survive.
September 28, 2015 — 5:19 PM
Terri Jones says:
I see conflict, but I don’t see the conflict the characters face that means it’s one or the other. The prime conflict is one thing you must convey in a pitch.
September 30, 2015 — 9:04 AM
johnnytrivia says:
Brannick didn’t know how to catch a serial killer, much less one that was using a sniper rifle to pick off Washingon politicians. He didn’t even know how to keep a girlfriend. Now, thanks to one drunken college party so long ago, he’d get his chance to do both.
September 28, 2015 — 5:28 PM
Courtney C says:
I think you could cut the part about the politicians and sniper rifle so that it simply reads, and put it in present tense so that everything feels more immediate.
“Brannick doesn’t know how to catch a serial killer. He doesn’t even know how to a keep a girlfriend…”
The “so long ago” bit has me confused, but I like the direction that last sentence is heading.
September 28, 2015 — 5:38 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Courtney’s suggestions make it a lot tighter – I like the contrast between catching serial killers and keeping girlfiends – BIG difference! I’d be tempted by this – succinct, gives you a flavour of the product and suggests that he’s going to catch the killer AND get the girl; I’m a sucker for happy endings 😉
September 29, 2015 — 8:57 AM
Steph says:
Pitch for WIP #2: Eighteen year old Fang Song was born with a wolfish heart beating in her chest. Though she tenaciously cries that she is wolf, the rest of the world disagrees. According to legend she is meant to save Heartland, her island home, from a king set on supreme magical authority. With two wolf-siblings by her side and the vague lines of an ancient song to guide her, Fang Song must journey into the human world for the first time and confront her destiny. Wolf or human, adapt or die. Will Fang Song be forced to choose?
September 28, 2015 — 5:41 PM
youforgotthepotato says:
I like it. I just think there’s a bit of excess.
“beating in her chest” – it’s a heart, so obviously it’s beating in her chest.
Maybe “vague” doesn’t need to be there?
“Fang Song must journey….” – consider using only her first/last name?
Just to tighten it up a little.
One more thing – I didn’t get that she was half human, half wolf until the end. (maybe I’m just a stupid potato)
September 29, 2015 — 1:20 AM
Steph says:
Thanks for your input. She is not half human, half wolf, but since you thought that, maybe I need to make it clearer that she is human, but wants to be a wolf?
September 29, 2015 — 1:58 PM
Nox says:
Okay, I’ll bite. Please grab your chainsaws.
The one sentence logline version:
To uncover his past, an escaped slave must seek the help of a queen desperate to avoid her own.
Three sentence paragraph pitch version:
Aidan, knowing nothing of himself before his life as an arena slave, chances an escape to seek his past on Exoria under the protection of its mysterious queen, Serenaya. So how does the mastermind behind his escape seem to know so damned much about her or that he can trust her to help him at the risk of a second war? Can he even trust himself and the demon lurking beyond his grasp deep within the layers of his own psyche not to destroy them all?
September 28, 2015 — 6:11 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
“chances an escape to seek his past on Exoria under the protection of its mysterious queen, Serenaya. ”
Does this mean he escapes from slavery already knowing he’ll be protected? If so, not much of a chance. I’m also wondering if “on Exoria” should be “in Exoria”, I’m assuming this is a kingdom/country not a continent or planet?
I really love your one-sentence version of this pitch!
September 28, 2015 — 7:03 PM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Intriguing! In the last sentence of the pitch, though, I’d get rid of ‘beyond his grasp’ – may just be me, but I think it throws off the rhythm of the line and makes it somewhat awkward to read.
September 28, 2015 — 8:42 PM
dcxli says:
I loved the one-sentence version; it sounds a lot like a book I would read. You have peaked my interest, good sir.
September 28, 2015 — 10:54 PM
Nox says:
Thanks for all of the feedback. I feel like I spent the longest time banging my head over the paragraph pitch and you’ve shed some light on some of the problems with it.
To answer Dianna’s (very good) questions, no it’s not supposed to read like guaranteed protection. He spends a majority of the story wondering when she’s going to turn him over. Also, as of right now, Exoria is the planet, so I’ll need to clarify all of that (or remove it and redo, which is usually more how I edit).
As to Lynn’s observation on the last sentence, you are absolutely right. I was trying to hint that there was more behind his amnesia than it appears and it fell completely flat.
Question: I feel like I’m trying to cram waaaaay too much of the plot in three sentences and it’s not really aligning with what works in the one sentence summary. Any thoughts?
I’m gearing up for my first writing conference in a few months so I would take any pitch suggestions.
September 29, 2015 — 2:46 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
The one-liner gets right to the heart of it, so that’s great. Maybe a second sentence about what could happen if they succeed/fail. Might also add the name of the world into one of those just to give a taste of the setting.
September 29, 2015 — 5:26 PM
johnnytrivia says:
Brannick is a low-rent PI with a love for gourmet coffee. His sharp tongue and bad attitude keep him from moving up to bigger (and richer) clients, until an old college buddy calls him out of the blue. A sniper has just killed a U.S. Congressman, and Brannick’s old friend–now a hotshot DC lawyer with plenty of connections–needs Brannick’s help. He trades life in a hand-me-down duplex for a grand suite at the Willard Hotel, complete with views of the White House, as the hunt for the sniper heats up all over the country.
September 28, 2015 — 6:41 PM
Some Mad Ideas says:
Seems to be coming from somewhere passionate Good. Why does the lawyer need him and how does it tie in with the hunt? The link seems missing. In the final sentence I know the FBI are bad but surely they would start looking around the crime scene and not the whole country? A sniper suggests the Congressman was shot in public?
Perhaps.. “Brannick is a low-rent PI whose sharp tongue and bad attitude keep him from moving up to bigger wealthier clients, until an old college buddy calls him out of the blue. A sniper has just killed a U.S. Congressman, and Brannick’s buddy now a hotshot DC lawyer needs Brannick’s help to save his client. He trades life in a hand-me-down duplex for a grand suite at the Willard Hotel, complete with views of the White House, as the hunt for the sniper heats up can Brannick save an innocent man and find the sniper before dawn?
September 29, 2015 — 2:35 PM
Pat says:
Ellen met the man of her dreams, the mysterious Mattheus. Not exactly love at first sight or a fairytale life. Marriage outside of your species is never easy, especially when your only child falls in love with the Antichrist.
September 28, 2015 — 7:16 PM
Noel says:
It’s a really intriguing hook at the end, but I’m a little confused as well. Whose only child? Is Ellen the child or the mother? Is Mattheus another species, or is he the Antichrist, or is the Antichrist another species? What species is Ellen?
The first sentence–it would help to have a little more grounding, I think. Where/how did Ellen meet the man of her dreams? Is this story on Earth? Is this present day? Neither of those? How did she meet him?
The second sentence is very, very general. It conveys what the relationship wasn’t, but I have no idea what it was. I think a concrete detail or two of how hard and awful this was would get you farther.
The third sentence has a couple of great hooks, but it’s also baffling. The “you” of the sentence (who may or may not be Ellen) falls in love outside their species, and then their child (I guess THIS is Ellen?) falls in love with the Antichrist. Alternatively, this whole pitch is being narrated by one of Ellen’s parents, but we don’t know that until the end?
September 28, 2015 — 7:41 PM
Pat says:
Whoa. Sorry this was confusing. I was working with the three sentence rule. The book blurb has more details.
Ellen is the main protagonist. She meets and marries Mattheus (alternate species). Their child is the reference in the third line.
September 28, 2015 — 7:46 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
I reckon you could get around any confusion re the child (and stick to the 3 sentence rule) by adding something simple like ‘especially when the only child of that marriage is…’
September 29, 2015 — 8:53 AM
Pat says:
Thanks. That works. Much obliged.
September 29, 2015 — 8:44 PM
dcxli says:
When King Agrathor is murdered, the Kingdom of Tora descends into a chaotic melee. His eldest son tries desperately to keep control, but other factions hover like vultures over the corpse of the kingdom. An urchin knight, a gifted prince, a lost princess, and a deadly mariner move though the carnage. And behind every corner are knives in the dark, wielded by men whose minds may not be their own.
September 28, 2015 — 8:03 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I love the image of vultures over the corpse of the kingdom and weapons “wielded by men whose minds may not be their own”. It gives me a very strong image. The only thing is the sentence in the middle feels kind of stereotypical. It doesn’t tell me what’s unique about your characters, only that it’s a group made up of the things that usually make up fantasy books: royalty, urchins et cetera.
September 29, 2015 — 12:19 PM
dcxli says:
Yeah, I realized that as I wrote it. I’m still working on fleshing out my characters, so they are still a bit one-dimensional. I just started work on this story but wanted to see if I could pitch it.
September 29, 2015 — 12:55 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
Sometimes pitching is the best way to figure out what you have to fix 😀
September 29, 2015 — 12:58 PM
dcxli says:
My thoughts exactly. Thanks for your input!
September 29, 2015 — 1:57 PM
Augie says:
This sounds like one big battle sequence, and I really like that idea.
September 30, 2015 — 6:15 AM
dcxli says:
Thanks! My goal is to have this world exist on a pretty epic scale.
September 30, 2015 — 11:59 AM
Dante says:
A teenager in-and-out of the foster care system battles with the problems everyday life can bring. One Haitian teenager deals with the loss of loved ones and empty hope as he struggles to survive and looks longingly towards America. Their stories collide and they are forced, together, to confront the demons inside and the disasters surrounding them as they both struggle against an unbeatable force: Life.
September 28, 2015 — 8:36 PM
StarNinja says:
The hook is good, but the wording is clunky. There’s got to be a better way to introduce these two characters. Something quick and snappy like, “Two teenagers; one’s trapped in Haiti, the other in America’s foster care system (or wherever it is). Together they fight crime etc. etc.” Or wherever the pitch takes you. Everything else looks good. Just needs a good rhythm.
September 29, 2015 — 5:25 PM
Dante says:
Alright, thank you for that advice. I’ll keep it in mind and keep working on it.
September 29, 2015 — 6:38 PM
Dante says:
Aight, here’s my rewrite:
Life is a struggle for a demon-captured teen in America, and a hard-working boy in Haiti. They fight for a better life, hope for a new tomorrow, and unknowingly stray in each other’s direction, as the lonely, lost paths they wander collide. But still the demons remain, and disasters loom nearer as they rebuild a threatened life.
September 29, 2015 — 9:01 PM
JA Haigh says:
Hi Dante, I think the rewrite works well. In particular the idea of the life and culture of Haiti catches my interest. Only thing I questioned is the term ‘demon-captured’ – I assume from the other info that you’ve got in there, that these are psychological demons but the wording ‘demon-captured’ actually made me rethink and wonder if this was possibly a gritty, urban fantasy?
September 30, 2015 — 3:45 AM
Dante says:
Yes it was intended to mean more psychological demons. I definitely could have worded that better. How many rewrites do I get? Haha. Thank you for your comment
October 1, 2015 — 7:31 PM
JA Haigh says:
Why, as many as you want! 😉
October 2, 2015 — 8:46 AM
Lili Nemo says:
Adolescence is difficult, and in Andyville, it has become downright dangerous for outcasts Ellie, Stony, Pudge, and Marcus. They know evil has come like a pale horse, and he knows they know. Never underestimate the weirdoes. They just might be the ones who save your ass.
September 28, 2015 — 8:49 PM
Perrin says:
The basic premise seems sound, but you might consider exploring ways to differentiate between the “weirdoes” by adding little details like “… the yo-yo champ” or “… who can’t [perform a specific ordinary skill] but can [perform one extraordinary, if not obviously useful skill]”. I might also like to hear more details about the nature of the evil that ‘just rode into down’, to establish the threat and possibly what’s at stake.
The final sentence is great! I would definitely read this story.
September 28, 2015 — 11:52 PM
Lili Nemo says:
Thanks, Perrin! I’ve never tried to encapsulate a story as a hook before. I was purposely vague because each kid has his and her own “gift” and that would create a paragraph to express, as would defining the evil visitor. The “he knows they know” part is part of the crisis and I thought giving too much away would not be a good thing. I have so much to learn! I can be too literal following directions, lol. I always wonder if our opinions given to one another actually match what editors, agents, and the rest would be telling us.
If you really want to read this story, it’s posted as a first draft WIP.
Lili
September 29, 2015 — 7:46 PM
Lili Nemo says:
Rewrite-
Adolescence is difficult, and in Andyville, it has become downright dangerous for outcasts Ellie, Stony, Pudge, and Marcus. Bonded by their individual secrets, they learn that what was considered curses, was actually gifts. When people begin to disappear, they know evil has come on a pale horse. They know his face, and he knows they know. Never underestimate the outcasts. They just might be the ones who save your ass.
It feels too bulky….
September 29, 2015 — 8:00 PM
Prominis says:
Guy whosenamehasyettobedecided wants to be a normal teen, to go to school, to study, to do well on tests, and hopefully not end up a homeless bum. But does he get this wish?
No, of course not: Guy was summoned to another world by its almighty powers, their gods, to serve as a hero to shove back the darkness.
And since that wasn’t enough, it happens again. And again. And again. Seventeen times in a week, to be exact.
This took 30 seconds, so I doubt it’ll be anything worth mentioning. Oh well.
September 28, 2015 — 9:48 PM
Hannah says:
I like this. The last part is solid. I think the question might be answered better if it was in the same chunk as the ‘No, of course not’ bit.
September 28, 2015 — 10:50 PM
Prominis says:
Thanks. Yeah, I reckon I had too many line-breaks, and the sentences were wordier than they needed to be. Plus, I used ‘again’ like three times simultaneously.
This is surprisingly difficult.
September 28, 2015 — 11:45 PM
Perrin says:
I like the basic premise: that this Guy only wants to be ordinary and has been forced into becoming a hero. I’m especially intrigued by the idea that he’s pulled across the barriers between worlds seventeen times in the course of a week, which begs many questions. Does he go to the same world? If it’s the same world, why do they keep dragging him back so often? Is there a time differential?
Needless to say, I want to find out the answers to these questions and many more. Please write this story!
September 28, 2015 — 11:47 PM
Prominis says:
Well here’s a question for you: if you wanted to summon someone to save your world, would you randomly summon someone, or would you choose a person who had already managed to save one (or more) world(s) before?
Obviously the one with experience, right? That’s basically the problem; in this scenario, the “hero” is in high demand throughout these realms (though the first summoning was coincidental/random). Thus, seventeen different worlds call upon him, which results in a lack of sleep, studying, and exhaustion during the oh-so-important exam season.
I reckon I’ll butcher this badly, but ah well, should make for an interesting third NaNoWriMo.
September 29, 2015 — 12:09 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Redemption Celvin is making a name in the bounty hunting community, the go-to gal for tracking down and neutralizing rogue robot, but only a select few know Red is a rare prototype android that can pass for human. While investigating a spree of murders, Red and her partner Malevolence stumble upon a conspiracy to rip their city apart, setting humanity against machine in a battle for control of the future.
September 28, 2015 — 10:17 PM
Miri says:
This sounds really fun, but I think you can do without “the go-to gal for tracking down and neutralizing rogue robots”, as the extra words drag down the energy without adding anything that “making a name in the bounty hunting community” doesn’t already give. Anywhere you can shave off a word or two here helps immensely.
I love love LOVE Red as a nickname for Redemption, though. Red and Mal, android badasses at large. 😀
September 28, 2015 — 11:24 PM
Fred G. Yost says:
Oh, that’s good advice. Maybe I could go with this:
“Redemption Celvin is making a name in the bounty hunting community, but only a select few know Red is a rare prototype android that can pass for human. While investigating a spree of murders, Red and her partner Malevolence stumble upon a conspiracy to rip their city apart, setting humanity against machine-kind in a battle for control of the future.”
September 28, 2015 — 11:33 PM
Fred G. Yost says:
I realize that I just removed what you said to remove, but I retyped it like 4 times trying to rework robots back into it, before realizing it was just time to kill that darling.
September 28, 2015 — 11:35 PM
Miri says:
I’m glad I was able to help, then. XD I do think it’s a lot tighter now, for sure.
September 28, 2015 — 11:55 PM
Perrin says:
Definitely a better, tighter pitch. I want to read it!
September 28, 2015 — 11:45 PM
D.M. Evans says:
I like this a lot. Sounds interesting. that should be rogue robot(s) though. I love the names you’ve given them.
September 29, 2015 — 1:02 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
I think you DO need the word ‘robot’ in here in regards to her bounty hunting because it sets up the second part, which is her secret. However, you don’t need to name the partner. And in the last sentence, I think you can just get right to the nut.
“Redemption Celvin has made a name hunting rogue robots for paying clients. But few know her secret – that Red herself is a next-gen android. While investigating a spree of murders, Red and her partner stumble upon a conspiracy to set humanity against machine in a battle for control of the future.”
September 29, 2015 — 5:47 PM
Perrin says:
WIP Working Title: Truth of the Stars
Pitch: On the nearly-flooded Planet Shamakhando, humans toil as a despised underclass, serving the aristocratic Sunblessed felinoids, and the dragon-kin Resolver warriors. When budding genius Kiyomi finds herself pregnant, with the upstart Sunblessed princeling Bannis as the only possible father. They, and Bannis’ Resolver bodyguard Kho, race to solve the mystery of Kiyomi’s pregnancy, hoping to do so before the Shamakhando Empire executes them… or the rising tides swallow the Empire.
September 28, 2015 — 11:43 PM
Miri says:
There’s definitely some really cool worldbuilding going on here, but by the end it feels a little heavy with new words. Maybe “When budding genius Kiyomi, part of Shamakhando’s despised human underclass, finds herself pregnant with an upstart Sunblessed princeling’s child…”? I might pick and chose which details are the most vivid and essential and leave off the rest.
Also, reading it again (I missed this the first time, which may be a result of the new-word-fatigue), I’m a little confused. When a woman finds herself pregnant and there’s only one possible father, I don’t see where a mystery can arise from that. Running from an Empire that wants to execute you is motivation enough for a pitch, and a member of the rabble having a prince’s child is a perfectly reasonable explanation at first brush, no further detail needed.
September 29, 2015 — 12:02 AM
Perrin says:
Good observation. The pitch should emphasize how all three of the races: Human, Sunblessed and Resolver, are completely different species. Kiyomi getting pregnant by Bannis should be as impossible as a chimpanzee being impregnated by a leopard.
I’ll try to shorten the sentences and distribute the details more evenly. Another element that I want in the pitch is that the planet is populated by the descendants of space-farers, but that technology has been lost. In fact, the Empire has degenerated to mostly pre-steam-age technology and mostly feudal social structures, though certain groups have preserved fragments of higher technology.
September 29, 2015 — 1:38 PM
Prominis says:
That’s an interesting world: felinoids in a planet of water? One thing I’d change would be to tone down the wordiness I guess. For example, I’m not quite sure it’s necessary to rename the princeling as Sunblessed, because in a world where humans are only servants/slaves, there would be no princes.
Other than that, I might add something like “… with the upstart princeling Bannis as the only possible father, who denies everything.” My injection is somewhat iffy, to be honest, but the important thing here is the fact that Bannis has to deny it. If he doesn’t, then as noted by the comment below, it’d be a bit hard for them to try to investigate the scenario. Surely there’s some reason why they doubt it, despite all the known evidence pointing towards that conclusion? Maybe alluding to that here might make it a bit more clear.
September 29, 2015 — 12:17 AM
Perrin says:
I’ve given the Empire a pseudo-feudal social structure; “princeling” describes Bannis’ place in society instantly to the casual reader and takes up less space/fewer words than “Bannis, Heir to the Prime Executor of the powerful Pride Ningishita”.
Also, the Sunblessed (and to a similar extent, the Resolvers) cannot be fooled about parentage easily, or for long. Average members of both races can track by scent, and are also capable of smelling traces of sex left between partners. Bannis may or may not be the product of a calcuated breeding program, but he is definitely one of the most gifted students of medicine that the Empire has seen in a generation or two, and he is perfectly capable of determining the baby’s paternity via scent. The mystery is how a “monkey” Human can be impregnated by a “felinoid” Sunblessed, whether or not the two species’ genitals are physically compatible for sexual gratification. Even in Star Trek, which has several characters who are half-Human/half-Vulcan, or -Romulan, or even -Klingon, the process of producing such hybrids requires technological intervention to start it.
September 29, 2015 — 1:53 PM
Miri says:
Narrowly escaping her own indie bank robbery when it’s interrupted by a high-profile hero-villain superfeud turned deadly, Nicky McMorgan finds herself shoved from the back alleys to the front and center of a villain civil war. Armed only with her middling-to-decent magnetism powers, her phone cam, and seventy-five thousand new (and thirteen old) subscribers, she’s determined to raise the standards of the city’s complement of villains (and maybe heroes, if they’re listening)–but old habits die hard, and the traditionalist cohort of truly bad Bad Guys won’t give up their fear-based fame without a fight.
September 28, 2015 — 11:54 PM
D.M. Evans says:
I like the idea of this one. However, that last sentence with all the parantheses and hyphens is pretty clunky. I’d look at rewriting that, maybe deleting a bit of it.
September 29, 2015 — 1:00 AM
D.M. Evans says:
After a decade of living in his guardians’ abusive care, Killian Kavanagh is too afraid to go against them. When they bring him to Wisconsin, Killian hopes the string of deaths that surround him has been broken. No sooner than he finds new friends in Tazia and Ben, Killian sees death has not been left behind. As a seer, Killian wishes he would go blind.
September 29, 2015 — 12:58 AM
StarNinja says:
Killian is surrounded by death you say? It’s pretty on the nose but for this reason I love it 😉 . As for the pitch, it’s good until the last part. It just seems to come out of nowhere with no set up. Oh, so he’s a seer all of a sudden? If it’s central to his character and you aren’t doing a twist ending reveal for your pitch, put it up front where we can all see. I swear I almost missed it the first time.
September 29, 2015 — 5:40 PM
Harsh Warrdhan says:
Sarah Netwon appears at officer Roddy Tieger’s precinct to file a missing person report and shows him her own picture. She claims she must have lost her memory and she does not know how, but she is lost, and that she needs to find herself as someone else has taken over her life. Dismissing her as someone with mental disability, he decides to drop her home, but notices that indeed another woman, who looks exactly like Sarah, is living in her house with her rich husband. Sarah claims that this other woman is not her twin and she was the only child of her parents. Seeing Sarah emotional, helpless with no place to go, he decides to investigate the doppelganger and inadvertently walks into a dark world that may consume his life, his marriage and maybe his sanity.
PS – I know it needs to be tighter just lost on what to edit out 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 4:30 AM
KatFrench says:
Your premise and last sentence is really strong, but yeah, it’s a little wordy. The key ideas you need to get across are doppelganger, amnesia, and stolen identity. Introducing Sarah’s name I think causes more confusion for me; if she’s lost her memory, how does she know her name? I assume you explain that during the story, but it muddies things for me in the pitch.
Maybe something like:
“A distraught amnesiac appears in officer Roddy Tieger’s precinct to file a missing persons report… on herself. When he escorts her home, he discovers a doppelganger living in her home, with her wealthy husband, seemingly having stolen her identity. He decides to investigate, and inadvertently walks into a dark world that may consume his life, his marriage and maybe his sanity.”
September 29, 2015 — 10:48 AM
Harsh Warrdhan says:
Aah! Yes, that reads mucho better, thanks. I shall incorporate your suggestion. Here’s my real struggle though. I want to somehow try to suggest that it is NOT a doppelganger or a ghost or a long lost twin, because in the story it is not. Ideally, I want to evoke a little more urgent curiosity about who this other woman could be if she is not those things. I think that is the USP of my story. Or am I up-selling too much at pitch level? 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 3:36 PM
PM Silv says:
Sometimes something happens in life. A girl gets dragged across the street leaving her scarred emotionally and phisically. A boy decides to be a priest, only to return with a vengence. A girl tries to escape a bad life and ends up on the streets with shattered dreams. And friends go in diferent directions until one, a cop, finds the other dead of a drug overdose, after years without contact. Sometimes they all cross paths.
September 29, 2015 — 4:43 AM
Sandra says:
Leaving her campus in handcuffs was just the beginning of Alex’s education. Her actions were monstrous—undeniably—but she knew her faculty would never ask the right questions. If her experiments were to continue Alex would have to seek help from from an institution whose syllabus doesn’t include ‘Ethics and Morality’.
September 29, 2015 — 6:00 AM
boundbeautifunk says:
I’m quite fond of this one. Perhaps change monstrous–undeniably– to undeniably monstrous?
September 29, 2015 — 9:25 AM
lindasandswrites says:
What about using Alex’s title? I assume she is a Dr. or Professor? Or researcher? Her faculty is too generic. Also, maybe use institution names. That gets us on the path to “seeing” her struggle/ work.
When the xxx haul *adjective* DR/PROFESSOR Alex *lastname* from XXXSCHOOL? FACILITY in handcuffs, her only way back to the lab is to enlist the help of XXX their fiercest competitor/ SOMETHING HERE.
September 29, 2015 — 10:16 AM
Sandra says:
Thanks! Great suggestions. You’re right, my attempt to condense things down into three sentences ended up making it too general. Here’s a revision:
Turning her grad students into zombies may have been monstrous, but it was no accident. As campus security hauls Alex from her lab in handcuffs, the looks of horror from the other professors confirms her suspicion: they would never ask the right questions. If her search for a cure were to continue she’d have to seek help from from an institution whose syllabus doesn’t include Ethics and Morality.
October 2, 2015 — 5:13 AM
asuiterclarke says:
She was the only girl to escape the Countdown Killer. Twenty years later, he’s come back for her daughter.
September 29, 2015 — 6:11 AM
Harsh Warrdhan says:
To me it seems this needs a little more. The daughter has a little secret about the killer maybe? It needs to be teased a little more.
September 29, 2015 — 7:44 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thanks for your thoughts!
October 1, 2015 — 8:17 PM
Some Mad Ideas says:
is the count down killer a “he”? Did she see his face 20 years ago? If so was he wearing a mask, could their be a scooby doo moment? The count down killer is her husband… Harsh the secret is in her daughters DNA.
September 29, 2015 — 1:53 PM
Harsh Warrdhan says:
Okay, that’s a lot more confusing…
September 29, 2015 — 3:51 PM
StarNinja says:
No wait… the killer is actually her granddaughter come back from the future and now the killer is after her own mother! It’s Back to the Future meets Terminator. Only stupid. 😛
September 29, 2015 — 5:30 PM
Harsh Warrdhan says:
See, now that clears it up and if you can get Rogen to play the killer and Franco to play the daughter, this could totally work 😛
September 30, 2015 — 12:24 AM
StarNinja says:
I like this one. Concise. Got a lotta punch. I do wonder why he’s after the daughter though. Does the Countdown Killer target that specific age range? Is it personal? A small detail added in would clear things up either way. “Out of 13 girls, she was the only one to escape the Countdown Killer.” Or whatever the case may be. Hope that helps 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 5:34 PM
asuiterclarke says:
Those are some great suggestions. Thank you!
October 1, 2015 — 8:18 PM
Pat says:
Oooooohh. Nice. I’m hooked. Very concise and intriguing.
September 29, 2015 — 8:49 PM
asuiterclarke says:
Thanks!
October 1, 2015 — 8:19 PM
PM Silv says:
Jack is a bad man with one thing in life he enjoys to do, drink. When he beats up and kills a transvestite, the son of another hateful drunk, he thinks he got away with it. What he does not know is that a strange being offered revenge to the grieving father. A yes would be enough. And now Jack starts to have terrible dreams. And the ghosts are becoming agressive. And the strange being had found once more a way to have fun.
September 29, 2015 — 7:13 AM
PM Silv says:
They said anarchy was an utopia. But when a protest, inicially non threatening, turned out to remove the goverment society didn’t colapse. And yet, even after months of peace and love, a group has decided that having everything perfect is having everything boring. Now another group has a choice, live under vicious rule or escape the country.
September 29, 2015 — 7:35 AM
PM Silv says:
John has bought the ticket. The band has finally come to play. They are what rock should be, dangerous and exciting, proven by the riots, the fights, the drugs, all the destruction they left on other cities while on tour. People go nuts. Now they’re here, tommorrow they’ll leave, but maybe there’s more to just the power of music at play on all the madness
September 29, 2015 — 8:36 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. But when you have to lie and steal and pretend to be someone you’re not in order to do the right thing, how likely are you to succeed? Katia – a novice who can’t seem to get anything right in the temple – is about to find out.
September 29, 2015 — 8:47 AM
StarNinja says:
Hmmmm…… the first sentence is good. The other two are too vague for me to get a sense of the story, setting, plot or anything. Does this take place in the here and now? The past of future? Fantasy land? What is Katia a novice of? What kind of temple? A few more details would make this work a lot better. Also, I don’t know how necessary the second sentence is since it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the third. You could squish the whole thing together into “Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, as temple novice Katia is about to find out.” and have two more sentences for world building fleshing out type stuff. Hope this helps 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 5:20 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Good point. Ta.
September 30, 2015 — 9:18 AM
PM Silv says:
Shit, I didn’t see the one to three sentences rule. Let’s try again.
Lee Wu is in prison, yet even there bad news arrive fast, this one being that some money was stolen, his cousin, who was one of the robbers was killed along with four others, and the police is investigating, as expected. Now it’s time to find out why that happened and who else was involved, if he can stay alive on the inside long enough.
September 29, 2015 — 9:37 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
OK…this has SO much packed into it, I think you need to really simplify it. The three sentences thing doesn’t work very well if you just keep filling the three with more and more information.
Try something like…
When Lee Wu’s cousin is killed during a robbery, Lee wants to find out exactly what happened. Only problem is, he’s in jail. And he’s got to stay alive long enough to complete his investigations.
That’s one big assumption of course – that Lee doesn’t break out of jail to do the investigation at any point?
September 29, 2015 — 10:45 AM
PM Silv says:
Thank you for your comments Katherine!
The problem I found with simplifying it is that it would lose what I think makes it a little more unique than just a robbery and then the investigation.
I wanted to point out very important points, one, that Lee was the one robbed (being a crime boss incarcerated), that his cousin did it with the help of others, ending up dead in the process and that the police and Lee’s men are trying to find the other unknown robbers who escaped with the money.
I wanted to give away plot points without any motivation yet, and at the same time not leave anything very vague.
I’ll try again!
September 29, 2015 — 10:59 AM
lindasandswrites says:
When a fellow truck driver goes missing, JOJO BOUDREAUX and her boyfriend-co-driver TYLER BOONE are called in to complete the high profile pharmaceutical drop.
The moment they hook the trailer to their Peterbilt, things go wrong—from the whistling guy at the truck stop to blaring alarms at the secure warehouse to a mysterious speeding Hummer on a deserted highway.
In an instant, life on the road for Jojo changes forever.
(HELP! I’m having trouble with saying too much or not saying enough. This is book one of a mystery/crime fiction series. I have full synop. It’s being pitched in NY now.)
September 29, 2015 — 10:10 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
First sentence reads fine – second has an awful lot in it. Rather than ‘from the’, would you be better saying ‘like the’? And I’m not sure we can see why the whistling guy or the speeding Hummer are ‘things going wrong’. Do you really need those examples? Does it work as well sticking at ‘things go wrong’ and then into your third sentence?
September 29, 2015 — 10:48 AM
lindasandswrites says:
Great critique. Thank you! You’re right about the examples- not needed. I’ll work on the second part.
September 29, 2015 — 11:53 AM
KatFrench says:
Agent Merrilee Gillis is *literally* a recovering “manic pixie dream girl,” trying to atone for her past with a century investigating magical crimes for FAE (the Field Agency of Enquiry). When best-selling author Darien Drake stumbles across a murdered fairy at a fan convention, his latent wizard powers awaken and the supernatural bureaucracy expects him to leave his life behind — just when it was getting good. As they reluctantly join forces, Mer and Darien uncover a truth that could shake up the supernatural world, and an attraction neither can resist.
September 29, 2015 — 10:55 AM
Jenbella says:
I don’t understand why you need the word ‘literally’ in the first line – it’s confusing. If you left it out the line would read fine and be less word and lose nothing in my opinion. Otherwise it is a good hook. A bit wordy – work on honing it down as much as you can to bare essentials.
October 11, 2015 — 9:53 PM
Some Mad Ideas says:
Log Line: The cradle of civilization was a lie. Weapons of mass destruction have been used down through the ages and only one man is interested in stopping those who will use them now.
Title: Secret Intelligence Service Archaeological Threat Investigation Unit: The ISIS File
Back of the Book:
In the face of power struggles within the Secret Intelligence Service Agent Kingsgate must obtain resources and support to investigate an ancient secret and must face off against Islamic State to obtain an ancient weapons cache and save the UK from a devastating attack.
A weapon that has killed millions over 10,000 years and has been employed by the Mesopotamians, Egyptians, Romans and even the French had one for a short time before in their arrogance blowing themselves up costing Napoleon his secret weapon and last chance to win his war.
Can they be stopped or will they carry out Hitlers last secret plan project End Game at a secret facility in the Channel Islands.
Letter
My work is a historical fiction focused on the use of WMD over the last 10,000 years casting the truth about civilization in a new light. Our hero must overcome resource shortages, surpass insurmountable odds, save the world from destruction and figure out how not to accidentally kill his family while having night terrors from his time as a prisoner in the Falklands.
Given the questions the world is today facing this is a very timely novel perhaps not so fictional after all but only time will tell.
The work is similar to that of the works by Scott Mariani and CM Pavlo who write Knight Templar type fiction.
There is significant marketing opportunity via add posting on news sites tied to stories related to the topic and subsequent cookie tracking. Given the premise it might also be possible to get a blurb from Wiki Leaks, The Intercept and Edward Snowden all global names would likly attract global media coverage if we could get them.
I need you to find me 1000 people who will pay 250 dollars each for this limited edition version. Please note that the license which buyers must agree to prohibit resale.
September 29, 2015 — 1:17 PM
Fromthefuture333 says:
As if a stolen bike, head trauma and a rat-turd bully weren’t enough to deal with, ten year-old Mac must also contend with the dimensional rift that spilled him into Amogotron. Forced into the struggle between the warring clans of Amogotron monkeys, Mac will need to confront his own feelings around the loss of his father who ‘made up’ the Monkey Stories. Can any of this be real or has Mac finally lost it?
September 29, 2015 — 1:51 PM
StarNinja says:
The story sounds intriguing, but the way the pitch gets around to it feels a little, I don’t know, contrived? Maybe tell us what Amogotron is right away so it leads more naturally to the rest of it like “dimensional rift that spilled him into Amogotron, a world of (intelligent/magical/etc./whatever) monkeys his father wrote about.” Or something like that. Without a lead up, the last sentences feel tacked on. “Oh! and then he’s forced into a struggle. Oh! and he has to confront his daddy feelings. Oh! and maybe it’s all in his head?” That’s the vibe I’m getting from it right now. Tell us what this place is up front. And maaaaaaaybe leave out the warring clans bit. Getting sucked into a dimensional rift is pretty high stakes already and works as a hook. Am I making any sense? Am I rambling? Am I even real? You decide!
September 29, 2015 — 3:08 PM
Fromthefuture333 says:
Thanks for the comments. It’s always interesting to see how words react with a readers chemistry. In my mind the dimensional rift is less important than the monkeys and daddy feelings. Maybe I should take it out or soften it? I just thought the rift would alert the presence of the fantastic. But ultimately it’s all about Mac.
As far as your realness goes, is anything real? Some Buddhists say no, but then are they even real? Who can say.
Anyway, I’ll give the pitch another shot.
Thanks again.
September 29, 2015 — 8:52 PM
JQ Davis says:
Trying to stay within the 1-3 sentence limit was far more difficult than I expected, and I lost far too much of the story. Anyway:
When an ambitious wizard in Carson City learns that his grandson’s killer is living in a town of werewolves, he vows to gain control of them, and use them as his personal army. Now Marshal Rus Brannach must protect his town, and his pack.
September 29, 2015 — 2:16 PM
StarNinja says:
I know right? It is pretty hard. Your pitch looks like it covers all the bases (pun intended?). I wouldn’t worry about losing too much of the story, it makes sense from what I can see.
September 29, 2015 — 2:49 PM
Jenbella says:
Scott Redding hears a child crying disturbingly from a neighbour’s house in a Johannesburg suburb. The crying reminds him of his dead daughter and he resolves to gain access to the house and rescue the child. Having whisked the child to safety, Scott, an art therapist, believes he is the best person to help the child to recovery, but social worker, Harlow Coates seems determined to find out his secrets and stand in his way.
September 29, 2015 — 4:03 PM
Jaeme Haviland says:
This is almost perfect. The concept is unique, the back story is hinted at but the exposition of the relationship between the protagonist and antagonist is awkward and a bit off-putting. That last line is just, well, it just doesn’t sum up the promises made in the first two lines.
October 1, 2015 — 7:18 PM
Jennifer says:
Thanks for commenting, Jaeme. I appreciate it. I have worked on this a bit and feel this is much better:
Why is art therapist, Scott Redding, so intent on rescuing the child he hears crying in a neighbour’s house? And will he succeed in his goal of not only rescuing the child, but helping her to recovery, whilst keeping her out of the hands of an interfering social worker and the foster care system he despises?
October 11, 2015 — 9:36 PM
StarNinja says:
All right, I did some dishing, now it’s time to do some taking. Here’s my pitch:
The All-American is dead!
When Seattle’s favorite superhero is suddenly and unexpectedly killed, three friends take up his mantle and vow to uncover the truth behind his suspicious death. But the truth won’t come easy for the new All-Americans as super-villains, shadowy government operatives and even All-American’s old allies stand in our heroes way!
September 29, 2015 — 4:55 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
I’d drop at least one ‘All-American,’ one ‘truth,’ and ‘our heroes.’ Maybe add a last sentence that explains what’s at stake. The rest is spot on.
September 29, 2015 — 5:57 PM
StarNinja says:
Thanks for advice, Tony B. Let me see what I can whip up.
September 29, 2015 — 6:02 PM
Lola says:
SMK20 – thank you for “Just Another Day”!
September 29, 2015 — 6:59 PM
Lola says:
https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5575836152664964921#allposts/postNum=0
I guess I have a little to learn! hehe!
September 29, 2015 — 7:00 PM
Klaise says:
Cassius Sotfiel never thought that his goals would be shared by a lower-class demon. He also never thought that he would have to sell his soul to contract said freeloading demon to get one step closer to the wings he’s always dreamed of. Now prey to an ex-demon hunter with a grudge, refuge is found within Vanguard, the embassy between human and demon kind, but when protection comes in the form of a hot-headed apprentice hunter and his prestigious mentor, simply escaping might sacrifice more than he ever imagined.
September 29, 2015 — 8:50 PM
Jennifer Gray says:
A young empath, faced with a choice between slavery and death, challenges the Power behind the powers to claim freedom for herself and her kind.
September 29, 2015 — 10:03 PM
g.firestorm says:
A not-so-merry band of villains and scum, operating along the border of two warring empires, stumble upon a text about an ancient artifact of a power so great that could change the world. In the thick of a never ending war, amidst clashing armies and trudging upon a war-torn wasteland, they begin their search; switching sides to stay alive and kept on the edge by their constant bicker. An ageless evil has awakened and seeks what it has lost and both Empires want that power to end this war, while they plan to keep it all for their greedy selves.
September 30, 2015 — 12:09 AM
JA Haigh says:
Penny Blue plots to escape the magical slum of Old Hobart Town and, along with it, the knowledge of her estranged father’s thirst for blood.
Juggling a job in the local fry-shop, her traumatised mother, and fending off the local gang, Penn’s fighting a losing battle with her own darker instincts. When the people she loves start to go missing, there’s only one person in her sights – her father.
September 30, 2015 — 12:41 AM
S. J. Mcquillan says:
I feel this could do with some tightening up. Be grateful for any thoughts:
The Setanon gig is the first time in her decades-old search that Diandra feels a renewed vitality – the collection has many early reproductions, editions, and other historical records that hold the promise of answers. While she may be the closest she’s ever been to discover what she is, Diandra suddenly finds herself in the middle of a dangerous quest- made all the more real when she narrowly escapes an attempt on her life and all the more complicated learning that previous attempts had been successful. Myths, legends, beliefs, and folklore collide as she pursues not only a resolution to her own deepening mystery, but the means to survive long enough to obtain it.
September 30, 2015 — 9:08 AM
kaylimckenzie says:
The Setanon gig is the first time in her decades-old search that Diandra feels a renewed vitality
What does she feel a renewed vitality for? The search? Her life? Mondays at work? Make it clear.
– the collection has many early reproductions, editions, and other historical records that hold the promise of answers.
I feel like this part goes on for too long? Maybe “the collection has many early discoveries that hold the promise of answers.” ?
While she may be the closest she’s ever been to discover(ing) what she is, Diandra suddenly finds herself in the middle of a dangerous quest- made all the more real when she narrowly escapes an attempt on her life.
You could just cut off that sentence there. That extra information can be unveiled in the story itself.
Myths, legends, beliefs, and folklore collide as she pursues not only a resolution to her own deepening mystery, but the means to survive long enough to obtain it.
This sentence is just kind of – well, you said it in the original comment. Needs tightening.
“Myths, legends, beliefs, and folklore collide as she pursues survival long enough to uncover her own mystery.”
You could probably do better, since it’s your story, but it’s an example.
Hope this helped 🙂
October 2, 2015 — 8:31 AM
S. J. Mcquillan says:
No this is excellent! I appreciate your thoughts on what doesn’t quite land home. It’s much appreciated.
October 2, 2015 — 11:13 AM
Sarah says:
For a Novella
Living in a mental hospital after a tragic childhood event Eva is now in her 20s and has yet to grow up. She meets a girl who teaches her how to live again
September 30, 2015 — 1:44 PM
madicienne says:
Hmm I feel like this needs a bit more. Why does she have to grow up? Has she been made to leave the mental hospital? Why was she there in the first place (if it’s relevant to the present story)? What else happens with the girl (and how old is she)?
September 30, 2015 — 8:10 PM
StarNinja says:
This is pretty good. Short sweet and simple. Having said that, you could punch it up a little as it sounds a bit too explanatory rather than expository. Especially the second sentence. The second sentence could stand to be longer and punchier.
October 1, 2015 — 7:49 AM
Brent McGuffin says:
It’s Sons of Anarchy meets Supernatural as a pair of rough and ready bikers search for a missing girl.
September 30, 2015 — 4:26 PM
madicienne says:
This is actually pretty fantastic IMO. I feel like there should be more; what’s at stake, how’s the girl related, etc, but SoA/Supernatural seems pretty precise 🙂
September 30, 2015 — 8:04 PM
Joyce C says:
17-year-old Gemma Young has been visiting Neverland ever since her mother told her the story of Peter Pan. In Neverland, everything is idyllic. Even when her mother grows sick with longing for Neverland and Peter, even when her family falls apart after an accident that leaves Gemma unable to recall anything before her tenth birthday, even when her father abandons her at the Wild Ride amusement park, Neverland remains the place Gemma escapes to for a while.
When she meets Cole, a brash, cynical boy who triggers memories of her adventures in Neverland, Gemma begins to piece together her half-forgotten past. But as Gemma and Cole inch closer to the tragic truth, Gemma begins spiraling deeper into Neverland just like her mother had. Her increasingly fervent search for her parents lead her and Cole to a startling secret, one that tied their fates together years ago and will come to change their future.
> Not sure if the last part sounds too generic/cliched/vague. Haaaalp!
October 1, 2015 — 10:01 AM
Joyce C says:
Oh and here are the short versions (tweet pitches, if you will):
Gemma, who lost her mother in the imaginary Neverland when she was 8, has to revisit it to find out what happened to her mother.
Gemma’s search for her estranged parents brings her back to Neverland, where a terrible accident left her memory in pieces.
October 1, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Jaeme Haviland says:
When 10 year old Dylan Hill drowns in a tragic accident, his distraught father immediately blames his wife. Anger soon boils over into hatred, quickly estranging the couple. In this dark mental state, small signs of madness begin to show themselves.
October 1, 2015 — 6:44 PM
Jenbella says:
I love the first sentence. And the second. I would definitely want to read the book. The third sentence needs more. I wouldn’t read something to find out about small signs of madness. I want a better sentence that gives me more insight into where the book will go (without giving too much away of course.)
October 11, 2015 — 9:49 PM
Kayli McKenzie says:
Jack Salinger is an unlucky guy; with a relentless blood disorder, a dead mother and a dangerous secret on his back, he deserves a break from carrying the load.
Thanks to a cat with unhealthily twisted morals, he’s about to get one.
October 2, 2015 — 7:12 AM
JA Haigh says:
Ooh, I like the sound of this one. Unusual medical condition and unhealthy morals, fun! Short, snappy and engaging. 🙂
October 2, 2015 — 8:44 AM
kaylimckenzie says:
Aah, thank you!
October 25, 2015 — 6:50 AM
hhstone8 says:
Intriguing! One suggestion, though, is to take the first sentence and split it in two, either with a dash or a period. I’m not a use fan of the semi-colon.
October 7, 2015 — 4:54 PM
kaylimckenzie says:
I was buzzing between those two – thanks for the suggestion! 🙂
October 25, 2015 — 6:50 AM
Jenbella says:
I like the idea of a cat with twisted morals. Nice.
October 11, 2015 — 9:54 PM
kaylimckenzie says:
I do too, haha! Thank you! 🙂
October 25, 2015 — 6:51 AM
B. says:
Ravaged with unending wars, plagues, and climatic calamity, humanity struggles on the edge of its existence. The rise of a family could lead humanity to its ultimate conclusion or be the step to salvation.
October 2, 2015 — 1:59 PM
hhstone8 says:
“The nation of Kidado is a peaceful land, where peoples of the four elements—Fire, Air, Water, & Earth—coexist under the rule of Queen Lenara Lenel. But as her people begin to die off in greater numbers and reactionary political factions rise in the turmoil, Lenara will have to reexamine what it means to be a hero and Queen—even if that means working with her people’s bitter enemies and facing secrets from her past.”
October 7, 2015 — 4:52 PM
Jenbella says:
I feel I have to read too many words to get to the hook in this. Can you shorten it? Second sentence: But when people begin to die and political turmoil ensues, Lenara… Then I would put a full stop after Queen and leave out the word bitter.
October 11, 2015 — 9:57 PM