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“A loser is the guy with a for sale sign on a dirty car just phoning it in.”
– Mark Burnett (seen via a tweet by Mike Monello)
Dear Self-Published Word Badgers,
I’d like to take a little time out to commend you for your intrepid publishing spirit! And by “commend you,” I mean, “slap you about the head and neck with your own bludgeoning shame.”
No, I’m not talking to all of you. A good lot of you are doing as you should. I have in the past week alone been exposed to a wondrous number of self-published goodies, whether by excellent writers seeking an avenue for their unpublished (or presently unpublishable) works or by tried-and-true DIY storytellers who have been honing their own punk-publishing endeavors to an icepick’s point.
I am, however, talking to some of you.
Some of you should be really quite floored by the quality — or, rather, the sucking maw of quality, a veritable black hole of hope and promise that leeches the dreams from the minds of little girls sleeping and replaces those dreams with nightmares where unicorns are stabbed repeatedly by interlopers on icy sidewalks and left to whimper and bleat until the police come and finally end their misery with a single round from a service revolver bang – that your work puts out into the world.
You think I’m being mean.
Okay. You’re not wrong. I’ll cop to that. I’m not being a nice man.
Here’s the thing, though. I (and I’m sure other capable writers) have noticed and noted that self-publishing bears a certain stigma. With the term comes the distinct aroma of flopsweat born out of the desperation of Amateur Hour — it reeks of late night Karaoke, of meth-addled Venice Beach ukelele players, of middle-aged men who play basketball and still clutch some secret dream of “going pro” despite having a gut that looks like they ate a basketball rather than learned to play with one.
Self-publishing just can’t get no respect.
This is, of course, in contrast to other DIY endeavors. You form a band and put out a record yourself, well, you’re indie. You’re doing it your way. Put out a film, you’re a DIY filmmaker, an independent artist, a guy who couldn’t be pinned down by the Hollywood system. You self-publish a book, and the first thought out of the gate is, “He wasn’t good enough to get it published. Let’s be honest — it’s probably just word poop.”
This is in part because it’s a lot harder to put an album or a film out into the world. You don’t just vomit it forth. Some modicum of talent and skill must be present to even contemplate such an endeavor and to attain any kind of distribution. The self-publishing community has no such restriction. It is blissfully easy to be self-published. I could take this blog post, put it up on the Amazon Kindle store and in 24 hours you could download it for ninety-nine cents. It’s like being allowed to make my own clothing line out of burlap and pubic hair and being allowed to hang it on the racks at J.C. Penney.
And so it must fall to the community to police itself. You cannot and will not and should not be stopped from self-publishing. But, when you self-publish the equivalent to a manatee abortion rotting on a reef bed, you should be dragged into the city square and flogged with your own ineptitude for gumming up the plumbing with your old underpants.
If, perchance, you don’t know if I happen to be referring to you, let’s see if you pass this easy test. Don’t worry — it’s just a handful of questions. Relax. Take a deep breath. And begin.
Does Your Cover Look Anything Like This?
Fond of the Papyrus font, are you? Or Comic Sans, perhaps? Do you enjoy book covers that seem to make no visual sense? That offer titles whose design and meaning are utterly indiscernible? That when seen at a glance are merely puzzling, but that when viewed up close accidentally provoke vomiting and dizziness in all but the most stalwart, war-tested super-soldiers?
Take your cover and compare it to these covers. Is it anything like this great cover? Or howabout this one? Or are you instead closer to this?
I know what you’re saying: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
Mm-hmm. Sure, no, no, I hear you. Let’s try this experiment: I’m going to dress in a Hefty bag. Then I am going to roll around in a dumpster. If I’m lucky, I’ll manage to get a week-old Caesar salad stuck in my beard! Then I’m going to come to your place of work and try to sell you a sandwich. No? Don’t want to buy my delicious sandwich? It’s really good. Wait, what’s your problem, man? Does my smell turn you off? Hey. Hey. Don’t judge a book by its cover. You should look deeper. Beyond my eye-watering odor. Beyond my beard-salad. Gaze into my heart, and then buy my motherfucking sandwich.
No? Still not cracking the wallet?
Same thing goes for your e-book, pal.
Hire a cover designer. Your book should look like a book someone can find on the shelves at Borders.
(Or, at least, before Borders goes tits up.)
Does Your Book’s Product Description Read As If It Were Written By A Child, A Monkey, Or A Schizophrenic (Or A Schizophrenic Monkey Child)?
SET IN PRESENT DAY VICTORIAN ENGLAND, DARYL WALDROP IS PROTECTED AT NIGHT BY A GORUP OF INVISIBLE BEINGS NOWN AS THE HIGH COLONY AND THE HIGH COLONY UNDERSTAND THAT DARYL IS SPECIAL SO THEY SEND HIM ON SECRET MISSIONS TO QUEST FOR THE GOLDEN STEAMPUNK CLOCKWORK HORN OF –
*gun in mouth*
*brains form a middle finger on the wall*
I swear to Christ, you read some of these descriptions and I think, “I could write better than this when I was in the eighth goddamn grade.” This isn’t good. Because I was a talentless little shit in eighth grade (and may still remain one, but you keep your damn fool mouth shut, you).
I know, I know, I’m being mean again.
But seriously, somebody has to be. Your product description is designed in some way large or small to entice me. It is both a sales pitch and an emblem of your writing ability. If you can’t even string together three sentences without resorting to ALL CAPS HOLY CRAPS or without confusing me from the outset, I gotta tell you, you’re pretty much fucked.
Did Anyone Actually Edit Your Book?
Anyone at all? Your mother? Your evil twin? A semi-literate orangutan?
If the answer is no, well, then, your self-published book might suck a big ol’ sloppy bag of dicks.
Best fix: hire an editor. Or at least farm it out to a capable wordmonkey friend who will do you a solid.
Or: orangutan. I mean, it’s better than nothing.
Is Your Free Downloadable Sample A Testament To Your Raging Lack Of Talent?
Your sample is supposed to be representative of your work. It should be shining testament — an unyielding pillar – demonstrating just how much I’m wetting my man-panties trying to give you my money.
Unfortunately, when I click most free samples, my panties? Dry as a saltine cracker.
I see: bad grammar, awful spelling, opening paragraphs so flat and full you could use them to pound stakes into hard earth, hateful spasms one might refer to as “characters” (if one were being charitable), and other outstanding goblins that earn only disdain and dismissal.
It’s like the quote at the fore of this article says: don’t slap a for sale sign on a dirty car.
Don’t put your worst foot forward. Of course, with some of the self-published e-books out there, my worry is that your bile-soaked downloadable sample is actually your best foot forward.
In which case, uh-oh.
Yes, Blah Blah Blah, I’m A Big Blue Meanie
Not only am I a meanie, but I’m taking easy shots. Hell, I already told you, self-publishing has a stigma. I’m not making it up. It isn’t new. Everybody knows to throw iceballs at the fat kid with the ice cream on the ground and the self-published Book Seven Of Made-Up Fantasy Series under his pudgy wing. By this point, I’m just throwing snow on that fat kid’s long-decaying body.
You want self-publishing to stand on its own feet? Get your shit together. You think publishing is full of mean ol’ myopic gatekeepers and you can do it better? How is anybody supposed to take you seriously when you can’t even approach a fraction of the quality found in books on bookstore shelves, books put out by publishers big and small?
You’re going to put something out there, make it count. Don’t fuck it up for the rest of the authors — you know, the ones who actually put out a kick-ass book. Hell, some of this stuff goes for me, too. I can do better. I can always do better. We should always strive to improve our books, our sales, our connection to the audience.
More succinctly: stop splashing around in the kiddie pool.
And while we’re talking about, stop peeing there, too.
Because, ew.
So rude.
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
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Absolutely brilliant post. And hilarious, too.
Lee
@Chuck
Thank you for posting this and thank you for being mean. I have a fairly well-enforced rule against flaming on my writing blog, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Maybe you’re right; maybe publically humiliating the authors that eff things up for the rest of us would convince them to stop. It might be worth a try.
There is a huge stigma surrounding self publishing*, and as tempting as it is to blame it all on close-minded slaves-to-the-Establishment, I think the majority of it has to fall on the authors.
Before I decided to self publish, one of my favourite ways to pass an afternoon was to sit in a coffee shop with my best friend and look up things like “Self-published Teen Christian Fiction” and laugh uproariously at the results.
Anywhom, I’m teal deering again, so I’ll leave you with this gem I found when I first started looking for a print-on-demand company that suited me. Click the preview; you’ll thank me**
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/george-orwells-1984/3810567
*The public library in my hometown doesn’t want to carry my book.
**Hate me and wish me dead.
You do realize that “E for Ennui” guy is going to go through the whole alphabet? Z will presumably stand for “ZOMG”. And X for “Xcrement”.
In any case, I think self-published crap is a self-correcting problem. Eventually it’ll not sell for long enough that the crapper will either learn or get bored and fling crap elsewhere.
Alternatively, Smashwords could just not display any book that can’t even make it into their Premium Catalog. Until that happens though, I’m not hazarding the Smashwords page to search for good books. I will, though, totally self-publish a 100,000 word lorem ipsum and see what happens.
Please tell me you’ve heard of Slushpile Hell, wherein an anonymous editor posts the very crem-de-la-crem of shitty submission letters on Tumblr? In case not, check it out. I promise you’ll weep blood. (In a good way!)
http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/
Good quote today at Spinetingler Mag from Tom Piccirilli:
Q: The Kindle seems to be a double-edged sword. It’s simplified self-publishing, and hindered predatory presses that exploit aspiring authors, but it’s also helped open the floodgates to unedited works that could deter readers from purchasing self-published works.
A: The ease of print-on-demand publishing started that trend several years before Kindle got off the ground. Already tons of unedited, typo-riddled self-published works were showing up on Amazon and in stores. The ease of publishing and e-publishing throws a young writer’s learning curve completely out of wack. It’s fine to have the arrogance of youth and think you’re the new Hemingway. That’s a natural part of the process. But back in the day an agent or book or magazine editor would be there to smack you on the nose and say, “Look, this just isn’t good enough. You need to go back and keep trying. Keep learning. Keep polishing, and maybe someday you’ll learn your craft well enough to become published.” Now the bar is so lowered that a lot of writers don’t realize they’re not Hemingway. They’ve done what they set out to do. Get published. Even if only grandma reads their self-published novel. Even if their numbers on Kindle are in the ten millions. It doesn’t matter. They’re blinded and weakened by having attained their moderate dream so goddamn easily. They want to be published. They don’t want to be writers.
http://www.spinetinglermag.com/2011/02/02/interview-with-tom-piccirilli-about-e-publishing-nightjack/
– c.
Name and shame! Name and shame!
Also, know and love the format in which you sell your book, or get someone who knows and loves said format to do the loving for you.
[...] You form a band and put out a record yourself, well, you’re indie. You’re doing it your way. Put… [...]
I’m not sure about this “You can’t easily sort through which self-pub books are worthwhile” argument. Isn’t that the point of feedback?
Feedback as in — Amazon reviews?
Nope. Not in my opinion. Bye Bye Baby, by Allan Guthrie, has zero Amazon reviews. http://www.amazon.com/Bye-Baby-ebook/dp/B003Y5H8FI/ref=pd_sim_kinc_5?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2
While a ton of crappy-looking self-pubbed books have 20, 40, 60 five-star reviews.
Reviews represent a single filter axis, yes — but you can’t count them as some kind of critical consensus or as a watermark of quality.
– c.
@Chuck, you nailed this one on all points. What I love the most about this post is how well you make the argument for self-publishing done right and against self-publishing done wrong all at once. It frightens me to see the hideous covers that people think will work for a self-published book. I’ve received graphic arts training, and I still have enough sense to know I don’t have the chops to produce a quality book cover.
@David Barron… You are more optimistic than I am. I fear the well of hack writers willing to waste money on a self-published pile of word-poop never runs dry. They are like a hydra. No sooner has one learned his lesson (or run out of money) than two more appear to fill the void.
Gee. I thought I was just in a bad mood last night when I came across two semi-literate book descriptions by the same “author.” Maybe the “author” is guilty of nothing more than being a “talentless little shit in eighth grade,” and maybe I was being unusually nasty, even for me, but it was horrendous stuff.
Ook.
Funny as usual, but you’re preaching to the choir. The people putting out hideous novels literally cannot tell the difference between good and bad work. They’re sitting back right now going, “Ha, that cover! Good thing I asked my niece the freshman community-college design student to make mine for me.” That is perhaps the saddest part about self-publishing. They genuinely think their excerpts are good.
Wordity word word. I’ve given up browsing through SF/F titles in the Kindle store & on Fictionwise just because of the absolute truckloads of craptastic shite out there and 1000s of re-formatted Gutenberg books.
I am so glad I never took the bait dangled in front of me when I was first looking for a publisher. It paid to wait–I’m totally embarrassed to think of the utter craptitude that was the draft I *thought* was ready for publication.
“Reviews represent a single filter axis, yes — but you can’t count them as some kind of critical consensus or as a watermark of quality.”
True, this is the problem. But why can’t there be a single critical consensus? As indie authors, we’re sort of making up our whole industry, so can’t we establish something like this for ourselves? Just an idea. I blogged about it here, inspired by your post: http://lauraraeamos.com/2011/02/02/putting-my-idealist-hat-on/
It’s a sad truth that 90% of self-published works are truly garbage, and that stigma unfortunately rubs off on the shiny ones too.
And thanks for the laugh! Love your blog!
crem-de-la-crem is actually spelled crème de la crème. It’s French. I would think that writers of the highest calibre such as yourselves might want to know that.
Thank you, Ernest. To whom are you speaking?
– c.
Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you so much.
@Laura:
I don’t know that indie authors are making their own (our own?) industry so much as forming their own, erm, “branch of government,” so to speak.
I think the best way to gain some filter is to have reputable magazines, newspapers, blogs, authors all begin to pimp those self-published (in addition to those traditionally-published) works they love. The issue is, they are prevented from doing so because there is *so* much crap out there, it’s almost not worth it to wade into the septic tank just to look for one delicious peanut.
– c.
@Maria:
Wordity word word. I’ve given up browsing through SF/F titles in the Kindle store & on Fictionwise just because of the absolute truckloads of craptastic shite out there and 1000s of re-formatted Gutenberg books.
This. A thousand times, this. You’ve given up the browsing of self-published works because it’s just too hard to find good stuff. You can’t be the only one who has reached this conclusion.
– c.
Another great post! I’ve been leaning more and more towards self-publishing because going traditional is starting to feel like it’d be a waste of time and money. I worry about the control I’d have over my work. With self publishing I’d have more control, but it’s as you said, I can’t just throw it up and expect the dough to roll in. I need to find a cover artist, need to have a few more people look at my story and make sure it’s a glittering gem. In short, to put it in words you’re probably glad to hear, “I need to make sure it’s nowhere near a pile of shit.”
This was so beautifully written that I read it 6 times, which is more than I can say for about 1/2 of the poorly edited, crappy-covered, amateur-descriptionified garbage out there giving self-publishing an even worse reputation than it already has.
“Do you enjoy book covers that seem to make no visual sense?”
I do, it’s why your Irregular Creatures cover works so well. It’s a cat with wings. I can’t help but enjoy it.
You have hit the proverbial nail on the head – in a freaking hilarious manner. Back when it took wads of cash to self-publish there was a lot less crap.
“This was so beautifully written that I read it 6 times, which is more than I can say for about 1/2 of the poorly edited, crappy-covered, amateur-descriptionified garbage out there giving self-publishing an even worse reputation than it already has.”
Without a hint of irony!
http://www.amazon.com/Portrait-Dead-Countess-ebook/dp/B003DQPMJM/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_9
YES! Thank you thank you thank you! Ugh, nothing frustrates me more than bad self-published book; especially if the author’s being all high-and-mighty, “I’m rising above traditional publishing’s mediocrity” about it.
Add to that thing about the samples the fact that some of them (I can think of one cringe-worthy series in particular) think that grammar rules are optional, so they can punctuate their sentence and dialogue however they damn well please. Also, it’s worthwhile getting the designer to design your interior as well – the poor font and layout choices I see on most self-published books make my eyes bleed, sir. They BLEED.
Thank you for being a big blue meanie. The internet needed this.
Bags of dicks exist? You learn something new everyday. Can’t think of much worse than “sucking a bag of dicks.” Ouch.
@Chuck Yes! And this applies to small presses, too, the kind of small presses who is one guy and his cousin and thinks “Hey, I read! I could edit and publish, too!” and then proceeds to churn out drek. Or even worse, the guy who thinks “I can make a boatload of money off publishing! I’ll just publish everything people send me! Some of them have to be good. Readers can filter.”
@Athena McCormick I don’t hate you and wish you dead. The “author” of that “book” you linked to, however….
“Without a hint of irony!
http://www.amazon.com/Portrait-Dead-Countess-ebook/dp/B003DQPMJM/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_9”
Live and learn, Sean, live and learn!
Sorry about misspelling your name, Shawn.
Now I REALLY miss Simon on AI.
The Golden Steampunk Clockwork Horn of whaaaaaaaaat? I have to knoooooow!
I’m actually torn about this stuff. Part of me wants to root on the unpublished/self-published because of the way the business has come crashing down on midlist (and lower authors; myself included) … yet I do not feel self-published is legitimate. I’m not a big fan of gatekeepers of any kind but somehow going through the process (finding an agent/then a publisher) is a form of making ones bones (so to speak) and does legitimize the work (whether ultimately reviewed well or not—never mind if it sells well).
Then there’ the great possibilities/profit of established top shelf sellers bypassing the gatekeepers altogether (frankly, I don’t know why they wouldn’t at this point; hire the editors they’ve used or another one, hire their own publicity, etc., and they’re home free it seems).
Back to that 2nd sentence/1st paragraph and this modification. Part of me wants to root on the unpublished/self-published … only if they’ve taken the time and effort to put out something as clean as possible that is, in fact, paying reader worthy. Using friends to blurb (or serial blurbers to blurb) isn’t cutting it (from where I sit) …
As for the out and out garbage put out there (unedited, untested, uncalled for) … I guess I haven’t encountered any because I’m still paying for reads that have come the traditional route (and I am married to my kindle these days—no more books unless there’s no other way to read them—curiously, that was the case with Crumley’s, Last Good Kiss—had to buy the book).
I don’t see the point in making fun of those going the self-publishing route, though … what’s the point? Either they aren’t paying attention or won’t pay attention. Laughing at their expense? I don’t know … I guess it needs to be said, but maybe in a less mean way.
Then again, I’m a big softie in my older age …
Wow. Hopped over from Kristen Lamb’s blog (she linked you this morning) in hopes of finding something new to add to the daily list.
Found it.
In spades.
Awesome post, dead on and absolutely something EVERY writer should read. One question you left out though: “Did this post make you angry? If so, bad news – it’s probably talking about you.”
It also doesn’t help that many of the groups and communities devoted to helping self-pubbed writers gain exposure end up being worthless cuddle-fests between people desperate for attention. The positive feedback loops don’t help anyone, and if you’re not willing to participate then you don’t get the eyes on your own page. And forget offering any constructive criticism, because then you’re labeled as “mean” and ostracized, or you receive useless retaliatory comments. Plus, you’re not finding new readers, just writers who want you to read THEIR stuff if they read YOURS.
Solutions? I got nothin’. Champion whiner, though.
I’ve nothing to add really. But I do want to plant this little seed in your brain:
Contest for the best/worst “indie” cover. Prize can be honor or more haunted vagina, flying kitty giveaways. Still, should be a grand old time.
I agree with @Abbra. The problem is The American Idol syndrome. Just like the tone deaf crazies that flip out on the judges when they’re told a goat with laryngitis has more vocal talent than them, the people who are self-pubbing total crap think it’s the undiscovered, misunderstood next Great American Novel.
Unfortunately, this means there is little hope in redeeming the self-pub rep for those who deserve to be found and read.
As always, Chuck, thanks for the great post and barrel of laughs.
Can I say… get over it? Every single medium is full of bad work. There are shit artists, shit musicians, shit writers. This is not news.
Some artists I think are just phoning it in have made it bigger than I could ever hope to make it, but what do I have to do? Suck it up and get better, or try something new. Try not to torture myself over that persons existence. Do I blog about how much that person is making my life harder? No. Do I say they are ruining art forever? No.
Because I know not every shit artist is getting recognition they don’t deserve. They are white noise for the great artists to rise above. I mean seriously, is The Hound Riders of P’toonig’ai really in danger of becoming a NYT Bestseller and threatening the literary world as we know it? Or will his Mom buy the only copy and be SO PWOUD OF HER WIDDLE WRITER!
Do you see U2 writing rants about how they OWN music and kids practicing in their garage should pack it in? That they suck they should stop putting what they love into the world, because they are tarnishing the sacred idea of music.
I’m tired of reading Agents bash on authors who fuck up their queries with typos. And complain that they have to wade through all the crap to get to the good stuf. Because that’s their job. They will get to the good stuff I’m sure, and they will sell a book or two and hopefully that will pay off for them. But if they expect authors and artist to be professional, they should practice what they preach.
I couldn’t agree with you more Chuck me old mucker. I put out an ebook in December and it shifted something like 5000 copies in the first month on Feedbooks. It didn’t make it to #1 in the new release charts because three ‘erotic’ titles were ahead of it. At least 2 of these fit into the godawful cover syndrome. The other one was… how shall I put this… not my cup of tea. This smarts even more given that not only was real care taken over the cover of my humble tome but I buried my arm in snow for fifteen goddamn minutes just so the a photograph of a hand coming out of the snow could be used on it.
Now I’m the first to admit that I don’t always catch every single mistake first time but I make the effort, get people to read through it, that sort of thing. I couldn’t bring myself to add to the downloads of the onanist cabal so I couldn’t comment on the quality mind you.
Whenever you see those bloody awful stink nuggets on the same website as your work it does make you die a little inside. As a wise t-shirt once said… ‘I am disappointment in your grammar’
RIght now, all over the internet, self published authors are telling themselves that everything you’ve said doesn’t apply to them personally.
Sorry, it does. It applies to pretty much all of you, no matter how many copies you’re selling.
Charlie:
“Then there’ the great possibilities/profit of established top shelf sellers bypassing the gatekeepers altogether (frankly, I don’t know why they wouldn’t at this point; hire the editors they’ve used or another one, hire their own publicity, etc., and they’re home free it seems).”
I’m not sure why they *would* as yet. Top shelf sellers have top shelf deals. And those deals don’t require them to do much more than write books — which is, by the way, every writer’s dream. They have great editors. They have marketing teams. They get endcaps in Target, they get foreign rights deals, they get kick-ass covers designed, they get movie rights sold — top shelf sellers would almost be foolish to abandon their publishers *unless* they are for some reason displeased. But even then? They could hop publishers and get a great deal elsewhere. Self-publishing requires the writer to suddenly become publisher. Which means twice the workload for less money (at least, top shelf sellers would likely pull in less money).
“I don’t see the point in making fun of those going the self-publishing route, though … what’s the point? Either they aren’t paying attention or won’t pay attention. Laughing at their expense? I don’t know … I guess it needs to be said, but maybe in a less mean way.”
Read more closely — I’m not making fun of people who go the self-publishing route. *I* just went the self-publishing route. Friends of mine have. Writers I respect have.
I’m mocking — openly! gladly! — those who take no care with their work, who would rather, as I said, gum up the plumbing with the equivalent to old underpants.
– c.
@Heywhitney You’re kidding, right? Say you’re kidding. ‘Cuz I’m laughing a little, and I’d rather it be with you than at you.
Chuck isn’t an agent, he’s an author. And he’s talking about self-publishing anyway, which rather negates the agent rant.
If you know this already (which you should, having read the post…right?), you got me! Good one!
Hilarious post!
I think the best way to show disgust over the product is not to buy it, and I think that’s how self-pubbing will survive. There are enough discernible readers that won’t buy garbage with crappy covers and grammar wowwies in the description. Those books will sell a total of 5 from sympathetic relatives and sink into obscurity. The top 100, 1000, 5000? That’s where the tried and tested gold will be.
That’s what I hope anyway. I haven’t given self-pubbing a shot, and I won’t be ready for a while. Hopefully, it will still be around (and more valid/larger in scale) when that time comes.
@Hey Whitney –
As noted, I am not an agent.
Further, I’m amazed at authors who put their worst foot forward when it comes time to query agents or editors. Agents, being people too, are right to be astounded at the lack of professionalism. Those agents then have to wade through all that debris just to find the *good* authors. That’s not ideal.
That, of course, is not really part of my post, but there it is.
As for your other comments, well, I’m actually not sure you really grokked the gist of my post, but hey, horses for courses.
– c.
TerribleMinds:
If I’m not mistaken, top shelfers could make $10.00 on a $12-13 kindle book. If they can make that much via the traditional route, god bless them. I doubt they can (but don’t know for sure).
As to the “read more closely” … I suggest you do the same (my amendment to the first para).
As to gladly madly … whatever floats your boat, Hojo.
@Charlie —
It’s not just about the percentage. For small authors, the percentage matters more — but top shelf authors make million-dollar deals. You’re focusing on one aspect of making money — further, while yes, they could make $10 per $12, they also have the added costs of editors, cover designers, marketers, etc.etc. So that $10 drops fast.
Self-publishing does not open the door to foreign rights, film rights, top-notch reviews and interviews, etc.etc.
Yes, I suspect a high-end author could secure those things more easily — but again, why? Why bother? At that level, the publisher is doing laps for the author. It creates a very comfortable ecosystem. I don’t know that I’d want to leave that just to become my own publisher.
– c.
OMG, so true. Also, seriously: self-published cookbooks? Badness. There are one or two that are briliant and I love them, but most are the Caesar salad in your beard–old and yucky. Because there are actually a zillion bad cookbooks out there that are actually published by publishers. Those are the pee in the pool. The self-published bad ones are the poop in the pool.
Funny innit that being a DIY musician is cool but being a DIY author isn’t… maybe something to do with the live-performance aspect of music? Maybe because image and attitude seem to play a more prominent role (vis-à-vis actual chops) in how we value musical acts?
I’m not sure it’s much harder to put an album out into the world these days… recording equipment can be had dirt-cheap, and CD replication and distro is readily available as well. And just like self-pubbed books, 96.783% (repeating of course) of that stuff is crap (I should know, I’m a DIY musician who designs his own CD packaging to boot. But naturally I’m in the other 4.3%.)
Yet still, being a DIY musician is much cooler. Go figure.
This is awesome! This article along with your “About the Author” makes me want to read your books. Way to go!
I think I’m in love. <3
YOUR JUST JEALOUS THAT I SOLD OVER SIX COPIES OF MY FICTIONAL NOVEL “”THE TEMPLAR DENTIST” IN ONLY SEVEN MONTHS. ASSHATS LIKE YOU DON”T GET IT THAT THE POWER SHIFT HAS SHIFTED TO THE TALANDED WRITERS WHO CAN BE HUGE SUCESSES WIHOUT BOWING TO THE SYSTME, MAN!
IT TOOK ME ALMSOT AN HOUR TO DO THE COVER TO THE TEMPLAR DENTIST WHICH I DID LIKE THE PRO ARTISTS DO USING PHOTOSHOP WHICH I LEARNED ALL BY MYSELF! THE PLOT OF THE STORY IS ABOUT A DENTIST WHO IS A TEMPLAR NIGHT BY NIGHT AND BY DAY FILLS CAVITIES LIKE HE FILLS HIS SOUL WITH THE LOVE OF HIS DEAD WIFE WHO DIED 400 YEARS AGO. BUT NOW HER SOUL HAS COME BACK AND WAS STOLEN BY A ELF NAMED “ELFMAN’ AND THE TEMPLAR DENTISTS HAS TO HANG UP HIS DENTIST DRILL AND PICK UP HIS REALLY OLD SWORD IN ORDER TO SAVE HER SOUL FROM ELFMAN WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER THEN TURN HER INTO A TREE (WHICH IS WHAT ELFS DO)
I DONT EXPECT HATERZ LIKE YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME TALANDED PEOPLE CAN THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX AND DO THEIR OWN PHOTOSHOP COVERS USING TWO LAYERS WITH A COOL LIGHT AFFECT THAT MAKES THE DENTIST DRILLSWORD GLOW LIKE A. YOUR JUST JEALOUS.
SOME PEOPLE DON’T NEED EDIDORS TO MESS UP THERE PERFECT WORDS. I’VE SOLD SIX COPIES ALL WITHOUT ANY PROFESSIONAL HELP OR PROFESSIONALISM AT ALL, AND YOU CAN SUCK IT BECAUSE I GOT A TWO AND A HALF STAR RATING ON AMAZON.
GO BACK TO YOUR STUPIUB WORLD OF STANDARDS, WHERE WORDS HAVE MEANING, YOU ELITIST JERK.
I am not a fan of big meanies. Terrible literature (published or not) also sucks, and both of the covers you linked are *horrible*.
Self publishing deserves no more derision than can be heaped upon an industry that produces crap like Twilight and Harry Potter and considers itself pleased.
There is no need to be nasty or hostile – the problem is self correcting. Few people even bother to read at all. Fewer still can spell, and most consider books to be junk. Be happy that self-publishing exists, so that something exists in contrast to the junk you get paid 5 cents a copy to write.
@MB:
I thought I sprinkled salt on my sidewalks this morning, and here it must’ve been Troll Food.
– c.
Agreed on most points, except one. Per capita there’s just as much ass-fume in the self published music and movie/TV scene as there is in the book scene. It’s just expensive to produce, so there’s less of it in general.
@Kevin:
Entirely fair. I think another difference, though, is that the communities there are self-policing. Hard to get a gig if you’re crap. Hard to get your film seen if it’s crap. Sure, you can put it on YouTube, but it’s not like that’s the realm of “real” filmmakers releasing work directly there.
Plus, it not only takes money, but takes a lot more time to produce music or films.
But, that said, point taken. The “e-book revolution” has just made self-publishing an ultra-easy path to mediocrity.
– c.
CORECTION: I ACHUALLY ONLY SOLD ONLY FOUR COPIES OF MY FICTIONAQL NOVEL THE TEMPLAR DENTIST, BECAUSE TWO GOT RETURNED. DAMN HATERZ!!!!!!!!!
BUT THAT WON”T STOP ME FROM FINISHING THE SEQUAL, TEMPLAR ON THE ROOF, WHERE ELFMAN WHO DIED AT THE END OF THE FIRST BOOK DIDN”T DIE AND THEN FIGHTS MY HERO ON A ROOF, WHICH EXPLAINS THE TITLE. ALSO SOME OTHER PLOT STUFF WILL HAPPNE, PROBABLY.
I”M ALMOST DONE WITH THE PHOTOSHOP COVER, WHICH HAS AN ELF ON A ROOF. NO DOUBT HATERZ LIKE YOU WILL KEEP SPWEING YOUR HATE, BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE TRU TALENT WILL WIN THE DAY!!!!!!
This made my night- thanks!
first, the comments from a. nonamiss made me laugh!
so did the post itself.
i enjoyed reading it immensely. you are _very_ funny.
i love mockery… maybe it is mean, but it’s _humorous_,
and would you rather have “mean” which is _not_ funny?
so good job, chuck…
now i’d like to see you pick on someone your own size.
because picking on pathetic people makes _you_ pathetic.
know what i mean?
-bowerbird
Self publishing just “can’t get no respect”… you just proved it with your blog post. Thanks!
An interesting thing about the self-published books you link to (which look truly horrendous) is that they actually have glowing reviews on Amazon. Is there some kind of shenanigans going on here (are some authors sad enough to create fake identities and praise their own books) or do people just go easier on self-published titles?
Brilliant.
@Zach:
What covers are you talking about?
The first two covers — TERMINAL DAMAGE and FIRE BURN CAULDRON BUBBLE — are, by my estimation, great covers. Very different covers, mind, but great just the same. Easy to envision on a bookstore shelf. (Which to me is the metric: if your cover doesn’t look like a cover you’d find on a bookshelf, back up and hire a cover designer).
– c.
Thank you for the entertaining and enlightening article. It should be required reading for Indie Authors. By the way, I’m one of them. Self-publishing is a business, like any other–you need a quality product that feels a need or a desire, and you need to invest in that product to make it the best you can. That means: a good story well told, a great cover, quality editing, clean formatting.
Great imagery. My only question: what’s wrong with a bag of dicks?
Suzanne
Indie writer
Dating My Vibrator (and other true fiction)
Vestal Virgin
@Suzanne:
I suspect the “bag of dicks” is unpleasant because it is a bag. Of dicks. Or rather, disembodied dicks — possibly removed from their owners with a sharp (or not-so-sharp?) implement.
It is also possible that the dicks are all fastened to one another. Forming something that looks not unlike Cthulhu’s tentacle beard.
– c.
Thanks for the clarification. And more great imagery. I googled Cthulhu. Any friend of H.P Lovecraft is a friend of mine–but I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a bag with him.
first, the comments from a. nonamiss made me laugh!
YOU THINK ITS FUNNNY TO LAUGH AT A SELF-PUBLISED WRITER WHOS SOLD THREE COPYS OF MY EBOOK THE TEMPLAR DENTIST IN ONLY SEVEN MONTHS? (USED TO BE 4 COPIES BUT ANOTHER HATER RETURNED 1)
WELL YOU SHOULD BE LAUGHING AT SOMEONE ELSE, LIKE THE POOR, OR MINORITIES, BECAUSE I’M A SELFMADE MAN AND I’M LIVING MY DREAM!
AND YOU WANTA KNOW WHAT’S REALLY FUNNY?!?! I GOT A 7 ON MY A.C.T TEST IN HIGH SCOOL, PUNK!
ANYONE CAN RIGHT A BOOK, EVEN IF MY ENGLISH ISN’T “PERFECT” QUOTE UNQUOTE OR IF MY GRAMMER DOESNT CONFORM TO THE NAZI STANDARDS OF STRUNK AND WITE. SOON AMAZON.COM (GOD BLESS YOU JEFF BEZOS) WILL HAVE MILLIONS OF KINDLE EBOOKS BY INDIE AUTHORS JUST LIKE ME, AND THE NUMBER 1 EBOOK OF THEM ALL WILL BE “THE TEMPLAR WITH THE TREE TATOO” WHICH IS THE THIRD BOOK IN MY TRILOGY WHERE THE HERO TEMPLER DENTIST/SLASH/KNIGHT HAS KILLED ELFMAN BU NOT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE AND HIS WIFE IS TUNRED INTO A TREE! (I WAS ALSO THINKING OF CALLING THE EBOOK “DON’T BE SUCH A BIRCH”). SO HE GETS A TREE TATTO OF HIS WIFE AND THEN HE REZURRECTS (SPELLING?) ELFMAN TO BRING HER BACK BUT INSTEAD HE STEALS A BUS FULL OF RETARDED KIDS SO THE TEMPLAR DENTIST MUST SAVE THE RETARDS!
BTW CHUCK I BOUGHT YOUR REGULAR CREATURES EBOOK AND YOUR A REALLY GOOD SPELLER. WANT TO SWAP 5 STAR REVIEWS?
ALSO WERE CAN I GET THAT HOUND RIDERS BOOK? I CHECKED AMAZON AND COULDNT FIND IT. THATS AN EPIC COOL FONT.
I’m an indie author, and I found this post (and the comments by A. NONAMISS) hilarious.
Great post, Chuck. I’m an acquisitions editor at a publishing house, and I’ve had a loathe/hate relationship with self-publishing for a long time now. This was a delightful start to my work day. Please keep spreading the word!
Sometimes I get self-published novels or memoirs sent in with query letters attached to them that say, “Hey editor whose name I spelled wrong! Want to publish my book? As you can see, I’ve already self-published it, but my entire family gave it 5-star reviews on Amazon, and my high school English teacher read it and said it was great. So now that I’ve got all this success, I figure I’ll try and break into the big, scary, evil publishing industry just to show ass-hat editors like you how wrong you were to reject me 7,000 times before I eventually decided to self-publish! What do you think?!” To which I reply: “Hell no.”
What annoys me about queries like that is… well, the rudeness. Do they think publishing is like major league baseball, with a farm system? Self-publishing your book does not give you cred with a publishing house. Deciding to self-publish because you’ve been rejected by “too many” publishing houses (let’s say 3 or 4 to the average impatient author) is the wrong decision. If editors and agents are rejecting your book, it might just be because your book sucks a big bag of dicks.
Chuck, this was great. In fact, I ranted about this very thing not too long ago (although in a far less colorful manner). In my writing life I have published magazine and newspaper articles, 4 media tie-in novels for major publishers, a collection of short stories from an indy press….and found myself with no takers for my novel. It’s a good book. I’m proud of it. (Heck, I’m proud that there are no vampires or zombies in it!) After much inner debate (and a long time trying other avenues), I decided to self-publish. Have I put a nail in my coffin? Hard to say. Sure I’d rather have some high-toned agent/publisher pick me up, but it didn’t happen this go-around. And I believe in my work strongly enough that I don’t want it to die. So.
But those who treat writing (and publishing) like a game, like it isn’t work (which it most assuredly IS and hard work on top of it), make me want to round them up and call open season. If they aren’t going to care profoundly about what they put out there, if they don’t know the difference between good and bad and can’t be bothered to learn, they should move aside and let those of us with a clue do what we’re made to do.
Awesome. Shooting your brains out so that they form a middle finger on the wall? The aborted fetus of a manatee rotting on a reef? I was just cracking up. Why did this post ever stop? The vitriol was so delicious that I could have kept reading for ever and ever and… hey. You publish novels, eh? I’m going to go take a look…
@Phil –
My novel, DOUBLE DEAD by Abaddon, won’t be out until November, I think?
I have my short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES, ready to roll, however: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IARV00
– c.
I love you. Mainly for this sentence alone:
Gaze into my heart, and then buy my motherfucking sandwich.
Hysterical and so true.
@Marsha:
Thank you.
My heart-sandwiches are delicious.
– c.
I think what most people don’t get, with regards to vanity publishing, is that it’s the equivalent of your average audition for American Idol.
Take one of those massive cattle calls of 30,000 or so people, record every single audition and throw the files up in an American Idol Sound Store without anything indicating which ones can sing or not.
Every one of them would be able to technically call him/herself an “American Idol Artist” by virtue of being in the store, and you know there are a few tracks worth listening to, but once you’ve sampled 67 mangled renditions of the same 4 songs, you lose the drive to dig any deeper for the good stuff.
Vanity published books are the same. It’s high volume and low pay-off for the reader. Sure you might hit a winner, but when you consider that out of those 30,000 hopefuls on AI, they pick 38 to continue on, who wants to take the odds?
BTW CHUCK, MAYBE YOU GOT AN ANSWER TO THIS. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG EBOOK NOVELS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE?
MY BOOK “THE TEMPLAR WITH THE TREE TATTOO”, THE THIRD BOOK IN A THREE BOOK TRILOGY, IS 5469 WORDS LONG (INLCUDING THE 2345 WORD EXCEPRT FROM THE FIST TWO BOOKS, TOLD IN FLASHBACK AND PARTLY AS A TEN PAGE MONOLOGUE).
IS 5469 WORDS LONG ENOUGH FOR A NOVEL? THE EBOOK IS $25.99 ON AMAZON, WHICH IS THE SAME PRICE AS A LOT OF HARDCOVER BOOKS, BUT MY BOOK IS BETTER THAN THE HARDCVOER BECASUE THOSE BOOKS ARE BADLY WRITTIN CRAP BY BESTSELLING AUTHORS WHO AREN’T EVEN TRYING AND MINE IS BETTER. ALSO EBOOKS ARE THE FUTURE AND I’M GOING TO GET RICH SELLING EBOOKS LIKE JA CONTRATH. HE SAYS EVERYONE WHO PUBLISHES ON KINDLE WILL MAKE 3 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND EVEN THOUGH HIS BOOKS SUCK I BELEIVE HIM BECAUSE HE HAS A BLOG AND ALL BLOGS TELL THE TRUTH.
SO FAR NO PUBLISHERS HAVE CONTACTD ME ABOUT MY TEMPLAR DENTIST SERIES, BUT WHEN THEY DO I’LL TELL THEM “HA HA FUCK NO YOU LOSERZ BECAUSE I’M GETTING RICH ON MY OWN!” BUT I DO WANT TO GET AN AGENT BECAUSE I THINK THE TEMPLAR DENTIST CRONICLES (SP?) WOULD MAKE WICKED COOL 3D MOVIES AND I DON’T KNOW ANY OF THOSE DICKS IN HOLLYWOOD AND I NEED AN AGENT TO SELL THE MOVIE WRITES.
I NOTICE YOUR SELLINGYOUR REGULAR CREATURES EBOOK FOR CHEAP. IT HAS A LOT OF WORDS IN IT, SO ITS WORTH MORE THAN THAT. YOU SHOULD PRICE IT AT $59.99 BECAUSE THEN YOU’D MAKE FAT BANK EVERY SALE.
I LIKE BACON.
At this moment, you have been elevated to a god-like level in my eyes. It won’t last, but I just wanted to give you a chance to bask.
Thanks for this post. Harsh is good.
Great post, Chuck.
Somehow, I think of story collections as something different than novels when it comes to the discussion of self publishing (and I apologize if this has already been mentioned, I didn’t read ALL of the comments you’ve earned). The rules still apply as you’ve laid them out — good cover, good (hopefully edited by SOMEone) writing, etc. But with there being not much of a market for short fiction these days, for folks who just want their work to be read it seems a great way to get it out there besides just throwing it out on one’s blog. Maybe I’m just justifying it because I intend to do something along these lines myself, but I’ve really enjoyed the collections I’ve picked up thus far (8 Pounds, Terminal Damage, Discount Noir, and yours — which I just ordered and haven’t read yet).
Why would I consider doing this? First off, because I’ve written some stories I’d like people to have a chance to read. Second, because, with a couple exceptions, I’ve grown weary of submitting short stories to online pubs that take months to respond, if at all, and longer to publish if they are accepted. I understand why that is, and don’t necessarily begrudge those intrepid publishers (except in the case of those who simply don’t respond), I’d just rather not wait. And if 20 of my friends drop .99 for a collection, that’s still more money than I’d make “publishing” anywhere else.
Anyway, again — great post.
The thing that gets to me is the way anecdotal evidence is trumpeted to the heavens to “prove” that self-publishing is the guaranteed way to fame, fortune, weight loss, and perpetual orgasm.
It’s like the guy who says, “But my grandfather smoked for 97 years and died by getting struck by a comet while fucking a cheerleader the morning after he summited K2.” Great for him, but that doesn’t change the fact most smokers aren’t going to see such results.
Sure, there are self-publishing success stories. And yes, there are plenty of damn fine self-published books. And that’s great. But that doesn’t change the fact that way too much self-published effort suffer not only from a lack of baseline craftsmanship, but they also don’t make their authors any money.
Piccirilli’s point is also a critical one. Just because you CAN do something, and just because it’s easy for you to do it, doesn’t mean you should. He expressed it beautifully.
I’m not against self-publishing. I actually recommended to someone recently they go the self-publishing route. It’s a choice which I think makes sense for them and where they’re at in their writing life. Just as it may make sense for many others, especially those who are cognizant of the issues you bring up. I think L.J. Sellers is a fine example of self-publishing done right, for example. She is, I’m afraid, the too rare exception. Too many others are too anxious to hold an object in their hands or collect stars on Amazon.
I just found your blog through Janet Reid’s suggestion. Holy crap on a Jesus stick. I want to have your baby.
Wait.
Did I say that out loud?
That was my warped way of saying that I loved this post and will definitely be returning. A lot. And possibly stalking. What’s your address again??
(kidding)
[...] course, the quality will have to be there, and here’s a funny article about why the stigma might not die [...]
Chuck-
Excellent post – loved this from beginning to end, especially because it’s 100% on target. Nothing wrong with going the indie route, and I think that the future of publishing is wrapped around a combo of e-publishing and traditional print. BUT just because a writer can put out a book on his own doesn’t mean he should……like Chris Rock once said, “just because you can drive a car with your feet, it doesn’t mean you should.” What we put out there still needs to be polished and edited and professional (and sadly, too many writers are taking shortcuts just to get their name in print).
Writing is a craft – writers write, but good writers work at itt 24/7 and never stop trying to improve the quality of what they do.
The sad thing is, I can’t tell the parody writing here from the truly innocent and clueless writing.
But “FICTIONAL NOVEL” got me. As opposed to the many, many non-fictional novels I’ve read so much about.
Great post!
It’s too bad that those who really need to stop self-publishing their work won’t see themselves in it as demonstrated so beautifully by A. Nonamiss. Though, after reading their third comment, I have to wonder whether the person is real or posing as a self-published writer to drive the point home.
There’s an interesting phenomena around creative people that I have noticed. How good someone is at a creative endeavor is inversely proportional to their opinion of their work. The best writers think their writing sucks. The worst writers think their writing is the best thing since Homer jotted down a few lines of poetry. It’s very rare to find a person who can be objective about their own work. This is true of actors, singers, dancers, poets, writers, et al.
As a corollary to this phenomena, the worst writers are the least likely to accept constructive criticism of their work. The more horrendous their writing is the more defensive they are about it.
They’re also the least likely to study the craft aspects of writing. They’re so brilliant, they don’t need to understand characterization, plot points, setting, description, etc.
And the really sad thing is that they will never get it.
The cover test is important. After all, there are plenty of presses that will put a cover like that on your book for you. Usually, publishing with one of them is pretty much the same as self-pub.
Though, after reading their third comment, I have to wonder whether the person is real or posing as a self-published writer to drive the point home.
THE POINT IS THAT EVERYONE CAN PUBLISH THERE WORK NOW SO EVERYONE SHOULD. WHILE ITS TOO TRUE THAT SOME WRITERS MAYBE WILL SUCK A LOT, EVEN THOSE WRITERS WILL MAKE MILLIONS OF $$$ BECAUSE READERS ARE SO DUMB THEY CANT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SWILL LIKE “GREAT EXPECTATIONS’ BY SOME NO-TALENT NAMED CHARLES DICKENS (THAT’S GOTTA BE A FAKE NAME) OR MY OWN TEMPLAR DENTIST TRILOGY, WHICH IS NOW FOUR BOOKS BECAUSE I WROTE ANOTHER ONE THIS AFTERNOON CALLED “TEMPLAR VS. VAMPIRE’ BECAUSE VAMPIRE BOOKS SELL LIKE CRAZY AND IT FEATURED THE RETURN OF ELFMAN WHO IS NOW A CRAZY BLOODSUCKER WHO WANTS TO BITE THE TEMPLAR DENTIST WHO DEFEETED HIM WHEN HE SAVED THE POOR LITTLE CRIPPLED CHILDREN ON THE SHORT BUS FROM THE NAILBITING PREVIOUS BOOK.
SO WHILE THEIR ARE SOME GOOD EBOOKS ON AMAZON THEIR WILL ALSO BE SOME E-TURDS THAT SUCK FARTS FROM DEAD GOATS. LUCKILY, BECAUSE M,OST READERS ARE SO STUPID, EVEN BAD BOOKS WILL MAKE MILLIONS BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. JUST LIKE NO ONE CAN DECIDE WHAT TO WATCH ON TV OR SURF ON THE INTERNET, EVERYONE WILL BE FORCED TO BUY BAD BOOKS BECAUSE THEY WON’t HAVE A CHOICE AND HAVE NO BRAINS TO MAKE DESISIONS!!
WHEN ENUFF WRITERS HAVE ANTEDOTAL EVIDENCE AND SHOW HOW MUCH MONEY THERE MAKING THEN ALL OF YOU HATERZ WILL HAVE TO EAT YOUR WORDS BECAUSE THE CREAM WILL RISE TO THE TOP AND YOU DON’T THROW OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER OR LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH FROM ROMANS SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT SUCKA.
Interesting (interesting by a number of definitions) comment thread over at Kindleboards –
Stuff relevant to this post starts here:
http://www.kindleboards.com/index.php/topic,49663.275.html
– c.
I am sitting here with my hand plastered to my mouth because I can’t keep myself from laughing out loud. In a very conspicuous manner. At work. Where I’m supposed to be working. Tears are forming out of the corners of my eyes and it’s fucking awesome. LOL!
Okay…I’m reading a book right now that totally bites, but at the same time I just want to commend the author for *trying*. I’ve been blessed with great work thus far from some really great writers, and I think I just *assumed* all DIY writers were of the sam calibur. I was wrong. You are…right. But I would never by clothing made out of your pubic hair no matter how colorful that part of your hair growth may be. Just sayin’
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for so many reasons, but especially for hating bad cover art. I know that we’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but frankly, if your idea of quality cover art sucks, there is a big chance your idea of quality writing sucks too.
As long as you’re paying for an editor, pay for a graphic artist too. No, by graphic artist, I don’t mean someone who knows how to manipulate that free version of PowerPoint they got with their laptop. I mean someone who pays the mortgage based on their skills with an actual Adobe product. How many books in Barnes & Nobel (or Borders if they don’t go tits up) have covers like the one you just whipped out by dragging and dropping in Word? Now take that number and divide by how many you would actually buy based on the cover alone. Now since it is impossible to divide by zero, multiply that result by how many people will buy your book based on the cover art.
If self-publishing is going to be considered a legitimate industry, then those who participate are going to have to make strides to be professional. Publishing a book you haven’t had thoroughly proofread with a cover that is horrifyingly bad is akin to going to a job interview in sweats and putting your feet up on the interviewers desk. It makes you look like an idiot and you don’t deserve the job.
Chuckie Boy,
I read your piece a couple of times in order to try to understand your point. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. Yeah, people need to work hard on the quality of their writing and the overall presentation of their work if they are nervy or desperate enough to have to resort to self-publication, which, as you indicate, is viewed as the literary equivalent of onanism. I also get that many self-publishers fail to meet the standards of the publishing industry. My question is: So what? Do you really in your heart of hearts believe you’ve done anybody a service here? And does your coarse, crass and smirky delivery posed as helpful jocularity really get the job done?
I don’t think so.
As you should know, writers tend to be serious about their work. They spend hours alone working on their frail little word craft only to find themselves unable to get anybody to help them launch it. Now comes a guy, a published writer, telling them what they either already know, will learn at some point, or are too clueless to ever learn. Nobody who is truly serious about writing simply “vomits” forth their work and assumes anybody would want to read it. If they are at all serious, they know writing something worthwhile is laborious and painful, lonely and scary, and that the marketplace is a prickly minefield sewn with Claymores set to go off. If it’s your intent to join the gatekeepers, congratulations, you have. If it’s your intent to be helpful, well, think again. Your ham-fisted attempts at helping have fallen flat. Few are going to tell you that because you’ve set yourself up as judge and jury. People assume you know shit. My God, they think, he’s been published. Would-be writers spend a lot of time meekly kissing ass, not rocking the big boat of publishing, afraid to offend the gatekeepers, worried their little boat will never set sail, frightened of those Claymores.
Fuck that. Give people a break. Let them dream and find out for themselves the joys and cruelties of their chosen world. Nobody needs yet another asshole telling them what to do.
diana said:
> It’s too bad that those who really
> need to stop self-publishing their work
> won’t see themselves in it
> as demonstrated so beautifully by A. Nonamiss.
> Though, after reading their third comment,
> I have to wonder whether the person is real or
> posing as a self-published writer to drive the point home.
> …
> …
> …
> And the really sad thing is that they will never get it.
that diana is quite the prankster, isn’t she?
-bowerbird
p.s. a. nonamiss, don’t worry, because
the people, untied, will never be defeeted!
rise up in revolution! become a millionaire!
Nobody who is truly serious about writing simply “vomits” forth their work and assumes anybody would want to read it.
THAT’S SO TRUE! IT TOOK ME ALMOST 18 MINUTES TO EDIT THE FIFTH BOOK IN MY TEMPLAR DENTIST TRILOGY CALLED “TEMPLARPEDIC” WHICH IS ABOUT THE TEMPLAR DENTIST TAKING A NAP ON A BED THAT TURNS OUT TO BE POSSESSED BY THE SPIRIT OF DEAD VAMPIRE ELFMAN AND IS ALMOST 1328 WORDS LONG.
I TRIED MY HEARTEST TO MAKE THIS THE BEST EOOK EVAR, AND MY MOM SAID SHE LIKED IT SO IT HAS TO BE GOOD. THERE IS NO SELF-DELUSION IN WRITING BECAUSE GOOD WRITERS AUTOMATALLY KNOW THEIR WORK IS GOLD THAT WILL MAKE MILLIONS OF $$$.
IT’S LIKE EATING A PIG. I CAN HAVE A PORK CHOP SAMWICH WITH A SLICE OF HAM ON IT AND TWO STRIPS OF BACON ON THAT AND ALL THREE TASTE SO DIFFERENT BUT SO DELIEICOUS ITS LIKE THREE SWINES DANCING ON MY TONGUE. I MEAN, CAN CHICKEN DO THAT? NO! ITS THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT WRITING.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT ALL WRITERS SELF-PUBLISH BECAUSE THERE IS NO MORE LEARNING CURVE OR GATEKEEPERS AND EVERYTHING WILL MAKE MONEY AND BECAUSE TRYING HARD ALWAYS EQUALS QUALITY WORD. WRITING ISN’T A CRAFT ITS A GOD GIVEN GIFT AND IT MAKES PEOPLE RICH. I WONCE JUDGED A WRITING CONTEST AND LET ME TELL YOU EVERYONE OF THE 10,000 STORIES PEOPLE SUBMITTED WAS EQUALLY GOOD AND COULD MAKE KINDLE MILLIONS BECAUSE ALL WRITERS TRIES HARD,
PS-I KNOW SOME IDIOT WILL DISAGREE AND SAY ‘BUT TURKEY BACON IS GOOD TOO” BUT TURKEY BACON IS LIKE A PRETENDER TO THE BACON THRONE PIGS ARE THE REAL KING!!!
[...] original post (“Why Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag Of Dicks“). Peruse [...]
Where did you get a picture of my dog?
@Kregger:
Far wall in your living room.
…
Okay, actually, that’s my dog. You can’t have him. You might not even want him. He’s kind of an idiot.
– c.
To those inclined to care:
I’ve written some further thoughts on the self-publishing hoo-ha.
– c.
@Don:
Maybe I’ve done nobody a service. At the very least, one hopes I’ve been amusing to some.
That said, I don’t really make a lot of hay out of “dreams.” That’s not to say I don’t think people shouldn’t follow their dreams, but following dreams means engaging in reality to do so. Reality is a harsh mistress, and too few people who cling to their “dreams” seem willing to look into reality’s eye and recognize what waits for them there.
I am, at the core, exhorting people to do better and suck less.
I do not consider that an unreasonable message.
YMMV and all that.
– c.
To say nothing of the fact that this post is superlatively written and vastly entertaining, I have to say that I agree 100% with its contents. I suppose some indie authors will get their panties in a knot because as Chuck states if his post offends someone it’s probably because they’re the guilty culprits. If the authors attacking this post would get off of their high horse long enough to pay attention to the actual message of the post, they would see that this is not a manifesto against self-publishing. The authors who are the most vocal against Chuck’s rant are the very ones uploading unedited drivel to Amazon and other ebook stores.
The post, however provocative, is not arguing for who should decide what is good writing and what is bad, or if traditionally published authors think they are better than indie authors. The post, is however, asking a very practical question: Are indie authors putting the kind of effort into publishing his or her book that their readers deserve?
The democratization of publishing has opened up the floodgates to a lot of crap that has no business even being written, let alone put up for sale.
Why do I feel like this is directed at me personally?
I use to clutter up my kindle with free books and think I had hit a gold mine. Most of them read like first draft garbage, thinly veiled with the idea of a plot. And regrettably even those thinly veiled ideas were bad.
[...] 2) Chuck Wendig explains why your self-published book may suck a bag of dicks. [...]
This was epic, including the comments. Thank you.
<>
I do now!
Chuck, you don’t think these arguments could be levelled against traditional publishing too? I can think of dozens of examples of terrible covers, books that need editing, back cover copy that sounds as if it was written by a lobotomized duck… and those are just my own.
Someone posted a link to this blog yesterday in one of the “Let’s mutual-flog our self-published books!” threads in the Science Fiction forum on Amazon.
I laughed a good few minutes over the “Hound Riders” cover. Brilliantly done. This should be required reading for anyone who wants to self-publish!
Chuck, you don’t think these arguments could be levelled against traditional publishing too? I can think of dozens of examples of terrible covers, books that need editing, back cover copy that sounds as if it was written by a lobotomized duck… and those are just my own.
@Al:
Heh.
To answer more seriously, yeah, I think that traditional publishing could stand to up its game, but it’s in a whole different realm compared to what you find in the tangle of self-published books.
If I walk into a B&N and pick up ten random books, I may not be thrilled with the books I’ve picked, but generally speaking they meet a bare minimum standard. Professionals worked on those books and for the most part, it shows. That doesn’t mean the books are *good* — just that they meet some kind of aesthetic standard, even if that standard is a low common denominator.
Self-publishing — understandably — has no standard. The presentation and writing of such books do not necessarily meet even the lowest watermark set by traditionally published materials.
That said, some of the self-pubbed stuff is also leagues ahead of what you find in stores. Really top notch stuff.
– c.
Hi Chuck, it’s me again, back from the sequel essay’s comment section. Here’s my experience with self-published novels that have actually gone to print; I’ve bought and read 3 in my life. One of them is excellent, and I can tell the author actually went to an editor and carefully revised. The plot is simple but its gritty detail really gets to you (it’s about a P.O.W. who is the protagonist.) So, that one gets an A.
The next one could have been good. I’m guessing the writer is one of those shy, introverted people who are intelligent but not the geniuses they think they are. He/she published anonymously which I’ve found is usually a bad sign for having confidence as a writer. The plot is somewhat confused/confusing but if given a solid revision and some heavy editing, the good ideas in there could have been fleshed out and brought to the forefront. This one I’ll give a C because you can tell the author is trying.
The last one though is utterly awful. It’s the most half-assed, pretentious, unreadable drivel I’ve ever seen committed to print. It’s as though the writer smoked a pile of L.Ron Hubbard’s feces and coughed into a word processor. Repeatedly, with no traces of revision, editing, coherent thought or even effort. It’s written with the same mentality that Internet cretins have: “I had a thought therefore the whole world should know and everyone should care.” Well I’d hate to break it to that writer, but no I don’t care. I’m embarrassed that I even bought it, but at the same time I’m keeping it handy as an example of what to never, ever do while writing/publishing.
I’m still mad that trees died for it though. That part is unforgivable, but the bright side of these bad books being published in only digital formats is that no paper will be wasted.
Chuck: “It’s like being allowed to make my own clothing line out of burlap and pubic hair and being allowed to hang it on the racks at J.C. Penney.”
I haven’t been in a Penneys store in years, but when I was a kid they made Wal-Mart look up scale. I think it might work.
Here’s a deal. You line up willing girls and I will shave them.
Great post. There are a lot of books out there by authors with a crappy work ethic, but there are some gems, too.
As a self-published author I was very interested in your post. I laughed until I cried because what you say is true, however, there are some “traditionally” published works that probably should not have been.
[...] always, Chuck Wendig has a nice rant about self-publishing and judging a book by its cover. Chuck’s always entertaining, though not for the faint of heart. I love his blog. He has [...]
[...] Why Your Self-Published Book Might Suck a Big Bad of Dicks by the hilarious genius word pirate Chuck Wendig [...]
When I started reading I thought, here we go another post slagging off the self-published and I admit my hackles were raised. I am a SP author, and I interview other SP authors on my blog. I think out of the many I’ve interviewed I’ve only come across a few that I felt weren’t ready for publication. So this leads me to the feeling that people like you, and those who are kissing your shoes, seek out poorly edited/bad covered books to make themselves feel better about their own work?
But then you say, “That said, some of the self-pubbed stuff is also leagues ahead of what you find in stores. Really top notch stuff” and I immediately forgive you.
I don’t want to be banded with those who fail their books (does anyone?), but slagging one another off isn’t the way to go.
@Louise –
Ultimately, too many people see this as only an attack and not as a call-to-arms, as a clarion cry for self-improvement.
– c.
Epic simply Epic
I just stumbled upon your blog today, good sir. I have no idea who the hell you are, but as I left you gave me the impression of being a witty badass. You’ve got yourself another fan and reader.
Chuck,
I found the link to this on Janet Reid’s blog… and I love it! A few months ago I had been considering self-publishing one of my novels; but after taking a look at some of the ones out there, I had to really think to myself “Do I want my book to be next to something like this? It seems almost like something I did for an English project back in grade 3.” So it’d either be stellar in comparison, or be dirtied by association. Not that I have anything against ALL self-published authors, a dear friend of mine is a fantastic writer, and is self-published.
That is not to be all egocentric, and saying that I’m a fantastic writer – heck I know I’m not! I wouldn’t compare any of my novels to the great literary geniuses which can be found displayed in Borders. I’d like to think I’ve got at least a shred of talent though. So with fingers crossed, I’m working for the traditional method. (Though, as a comment mentioned, traditional publishing does NOT equal to the book being decent, though there is a tendency for an orangutan or two to have edited and at least partially read it!)
With this article you’ve got a new fan and a reader!
-Rebecca L.
[...] with Why Your Self-Published Book May Suck a Bag of Dicks, then follow it up with Once More Into the Breach: Further Response to the Self-Publishing Hoo-Ha. [...]
[...] Chuck Wendig: Why your self-published book sucks a bag of dicks “Dear Self-Published Word Badgers: I’d like to take a little time out to commend you for your [...]
[...] some of you might be furrowing your brow — after all, I’m the guy who says things like Why Your Self-Published Book Might Suck A Bag Of Dicks. Or, PC Gaming Can Punch A Baby Seal. I’m not Doctor Thumbs-Up over here. I’m not Joe [...]
[...] Finally, I think this factors in at a meta-level. Like it or not, we judge books by their covers. We judge them by their typesetting, spelling, and grammar. A professional-looking book gets professional-level respect from the first page; it has an edge to lose. An amateur-looking book gets… rather less respect; it has an up-hill battle from the first word (assuming anyone even starts it) with ground lost at every verbal infelicity. Be nice to the people you work with in the publishing industry: they make you look smarter, cooler, and more professional than you are. If you’re self-publishing, Chuck Wendig (who I mentioned above) has a few words of advice for you. [...]
[...] a reason self-publishing comes with a big, ugly, blood-drenched stigma. Chuck Wendig wrote a great post on this, of which I quote: And so it must fall to the community to police itself. You cannot and [...]
[...] work. Self-publishing’s been discussed more extensively elsewhere, so point your eyeballs in this direction for more on [...]
[...] and support of editors, publishers and agents, you can quickly be the subject of this article on Why Your Self-Published Book Might Suck A Bag of Dicks. Because most self-published novels are so bad, they have created a stigma for any decent [...]
[...] Why Your Self-Published Book May Suck a Bag of Dicks [...]
I ♥ You and this post.
Hahaha, definitely agree with Danae, awesome post.
Absolutely love it!
In want an editing money.
[...] a woman EXPLODED about how sick she was of buying poorly produced self-published books. Here’s a really good, though rude and insulting, blog article with an incredibly vulgar title that talks about this problem and presents an excellent critique of self-published books. (Read the [...]
I’m slightly nervous about replying to this “hilarious” article, because I’m worried you and everyone else is going to rip me a new one for saying what’s on my mind. I don’t know why I don’t just shutup my fingers on the keyboard all the time, but here goes.
Teen readers (and even most adult readers) don’t see these kinds of articles. They just buy the unedited or edited self published ebooks or regular books, and read them for the stories. Which makes writers more money. That’s what it comes down to, readers are buying these books, whether you make fun of them or not.
I’m not saying I’d ever publish anything unedited, but I’m determined to self-publish ebooks. Why would I want to try and have my novels traditionally published when publishers take such a high percentage of authors earnings?
Chuck,
When you and others (rightly) criticize the flood of bad self-published stuff out there, you seem to forget or be unaware of one major point: those people don’t have the faintest idea of how bad they are. They are not doing it because they think that they are getting away with something or playing a clever joke. They TRULY believe that what they say, and the way that they have said it, is good, is worthwhile, is meaningful, and (God help us all!) is worthy of being published and, thus, disseminated to the world.
I looked up the book that your second poster above, Athena McCormick, gave a link to, and I didn’t laugh. I was appalled that a person could really think that that “creation” was worthy of even existing, let alone someone paying $11.10 for it.
But there it is. There they are. The phrase “he/she is clueless” is bandied about WAY too much nowadays, but in cases like these, it’s right on the money.
And it is SO SAD!
An enjoyable romp through a disheartening subject!
Sad, but true. It only takes one bad experience for a reader to badmouth the indie book business from here until Doomsday. The comments under one of the covers you cite are also very revealing. Keep up the good and angry work!
[...] Wendig has written a brilliantly funny blog-post about some of the many problems with self-published books. He takes no prisoners: but he does point out that when self-publishing is done properly, it can be [...]
[...] the whole article, which I highly recommend, check out TerribleMinds.com, or just click here. Tags: Chuck Wendig, Terrible [...]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t disagree with even one statement you’ve made.
I have read self-published books that made me want to curl up in a corner somewhere and make motorboat noises with my lips.
I even created one myself to fill in a publishing emergency (long story) that is guaranteed to send me the the lowest circle of Dante’s Inferno.
My shame knows no limits.
[...] is there this stigma? Because there is a lot of crap out there. As stated over here It’s like being allowed to make my own clothing line out of burlap and pubic hair and being [...]
THANK YOU!!!!!
I pray daily for this kind of straight talk to writers, who NEED the screening mechanism of a skilled editor.
Again, thank you!
LT
If you write a great book, you don’t have to defend how you publish it. You just focus on promoting it and writing the next, and don’t worry about being lumped in with the bag o’ dicks, because the book will outlast that. That’s the discipline, right there. Great post! Loved it!
I do appreciate your post. How do you get through to these people who won’t spend a dollar on a cover or even have their highschooler do a read through before they throw it up on Amazon.com? As Amazon.com launches their indie book store this week, I wonder if readers will eventually be able to filter out indie books thereby, punishing those of us who are trying to put out a quality book for our readers.
Oh my. I’d like to say I’d marry you, but I’m torn between you and A. Nonamiss.
Disclosure: I’m self-published, and either completely deluded or safely in the category of being one of the good ones. Nevertheless, I have a couple of beefs with your post. First, crappy self-published books are a very, very easy target, and for all you know the product description that looks childish, may have been written by a child. Not like too many readers not closely related to the authors are going to buy any of these books, so it’s not like anyone’s actually ripping anybody off. So here’s the thing, why shoot fish in a barrel? Where’s the sport? Especially in a world so full of real crap that people make millions off of.
My second objection: While you acknowledge that there are decent self-published books out there and admit to having actually read a few of these beasts, most readers haven’t made that leap yet. People who’ve never actually seen a good self-published book, don’t believe they exist. Your mentioning that they do within your post won’t convince anyone. It’s not your job to do that, however, instead of adding your name to the many who slam self-publishers, why not become a force for good, and actually review a couple of worthwhile titles?
I think I love you! Secretly I bitch to my husband about the same things you covered so numerously in this post. It makes the self-pubd authors who hire editors, cover artists, publicists, and work on worldwide distribution (meaning they think outside the Amazon box) look like the red-headed step children of the writing world.
But I have to say, if you work your ass off and market your work like a $5 hooker on a Tuesday at 2 a.m. then you MAY just be lucky enough to reach your target audience and find some readers.
You found a new follower in me, and I plan to check your work out next. Wishing you the best in your writing career and may it be half as successful as this post — cheers!
[...] You’ve published a book in dead tree form. Congratulations! Now you’re thinking, “Hey, I’d like to be on the shelves at Joe’s Books.” (We assume, for the sake of this exercise, you’ve passed the test in this post.) [...]
[...] Which is why I’m getting new covers. So, to quote fellow blogger Chuck Wendig over at http://terribleminds.com, make sure your cover doesn’t ‘suck a bag of dicks’. I couldn’t have said [...]
“This is in part because it’s a lot harder to put an album or a film out into the world. You don’t just vomit it forth. Some modicum of talent and skill must be present to even contemplate such an endeavor and to attain any kind of distribution.”
@Chuck,
Obviously you haven’t listened to / heard of sub-sub(-sub) genres of music like:
ambient black metal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVq8W_d_MZQ)
or goregrind / pornogrind (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7HzHsmVE3s&feature=related).
[...] little late to this party, but Chuck makes excellent points. If there is anything that is going to sink the new ebook [...]
As a self-published author/illustrator of Story Books (REALLY GOOD ONES), allow me to add my 2 cents worth. Although my books have been successful due to the quality and beauty of said books, I usually try to dissuade people from self publishing.
My objections have to do with the artwork in Storybooks. I am driven utterly INSANE by those who decide to self publish AND illustrate their books, without one iota of artistic talent. I have had parents tell me they are PUBLISHING the work of their 7 year old, because>>>”He is such a great artist!” He isn’t. I hear it over and over again from people with no art skills,” I am working on a children”s book, too!”
The artwork in many children’s books ( and that includes mainstream published books) is so crappy that everyone thinks they are capable of illustration. So while you are concentrating on the word content being garbage, I am focused on the visual “artistic” content, being garbage.
With the ease of self publishing, not only can anyone be a writer, they can also be an Illustrator…..even when they are not.
This column is so true, it should be fucking bronzed.
[...] a woman EXPLODED about how sick she was of buying poorly produced self-published books. Here’s a really good, though rude and insulting, blog article with an incredibly vulgar title that talks about this problem and presents an excellent critique of self-published books. (Read the [...]