Good lord… SNOOKI got a book deal???

That’s it. Time to start filming my daily life and posting it on YouTube. Perhaps if the husband Slip ‘n Slides the car through the mud that was our driveway while hanging out the window (shirtless) and runs it into a tree with the puppy in the passenger seat enough times, we’ll get a reality show of our own.

That has to be easier than all the other things one must do to get published. God…

You say all this, and I hear it. Hell, I’ve read it other places to. I feel i know it. Yet, more and more it just feels like something I /need/ to at least take a good solid run at. Which means, I need to stop talking abut it and actually get going on that run….

Still, nice to see some of the massive hurdles out there. Especially snooki and the publipocalypse

I wish I wrote more. Instead I use that sinister hand you mention to service the masters of my day job. And by ‘service’, of course I mean ‘write code for’.

…What did you think I meant?

I know it’s a bleak, unforgiving horizon towards which I’ve been struggling for years, but dammit, I’m still of the silly, stupid notion that there are more agents and publishers out there than there are bullets intended for the back of a literary brainpan.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to do, but you’re depressing the heck out of me. I was just angsting LAST NIGHT about how hard it is to be a writer, and I finally got my resolve back, and now you come out with this?
I get what you’re doing. Actually I’d give the same advice. Don’t be a writer. There has to be a better path to fulfillment. And if you’re like me and you can’t stop…it can be a nightmare sometimes.
Listen to what Chuck’s saying folks. He may sound funny, but trust me, he’s deadly serious.

But if writers stop writing, where am I going to get awesome books to read? :O(

I get the sense you’re trying to thin the herd…

Really though, as a person with a fairly serious dayjob, you’re not missing out on much but the steady paycheck. Though I can see why it looks so attractive, think about the stupidest people you’ve every talked to and imagine being surrounded by them constantly. Imagine a Dilbert boss (who is not in any way exaggerated from my point of view) constantly pressganging you into doing mind-numbing shit day after day. 50% of that work is useless, the other 50% he’ll take credit for. Fuck Snooki, take a look in the business book section some time and think of the horror of having to read several of these a year at the CEO’s request.

Fucking be a writer if you can. Escape the corporate madhouse.

Two weeks ago I saw Snookie on TV and said, “Who the hell is she?” Today, finding out she got a book deal for a shit load of money while I’m in negotiations for my next two books for nearly negative amounts, makes me want to jump off my balcony naked while signing “Uptown Girl.” But like you, it’s too late for me.

Every time I hear/read the name Snooki I want to pukie. I have never watched Jersey Whores or whatever the fuck it’s called, but ya it frightening that a brainless bimbo has a book out. Even with the greatest of odds against me being a successful writer I will still write. I love writing & at this point publishing is secondary to just finishing the project I’m working on. When I am done with that, I’ll see where it goes, if it goes nowhere I’ll just start writing something else, just for the love of writing!

This just makes me want to be a writer more. Seriously. Who wouldn’t want to be the hobo’s shit-tick of society? I’m already a machine full of bile and gonads, fueled by fiery hate and cheap undrinkable liquor. At least being a writer is a better excuse for that than “computer programmer.”

Sadly, the Snooki book isn’t tanking. It hit the best seller list. I ain’t mad tho’. The more money these celebrity trash books make, the more money publishers will have to put toward new and mid-list authors. (Or, so I hope. They might just use it to market the next celebrity ghost written book in a vicious cycle.)

I guess it’s time to get the old troupe back together and start panhandling on street corners again.

@Kate:

Thing about Snooki’s book is, it doesn’t have to move a lot of copies to get on the bestseller list (which is already a dubious list that has little to do with sales). But it *does* have to move a lot of copies to make back the big money invested by a publisher.

http://www.dailyfinance.com/story/media/big-book-sales-for-mtv-reality-stars-not-a-shore-thing/19805528/

Now, I could be wrong and the book will be a runaway success. But I wasn’t kidding when I said it takes a lot fewer book sales to get on the bestseller list than you think. At least, that’s what I’m to understand.

– c.

Oh I get that (and the fact that NYT has some clandestine and positively eldritch system of choosing their bestsellers). But it’s still selling better than a lot of credible, worthwhile books. And that makes me a sad panda.

It definitely SOUNDS like insanity to want to do this, but you’re forgetting something. I worked in public education for 14 years. I taught high school students. Hell, I took a hundred high school students on a subway in NYC at midnight. After that, I joined the ranks of the retail zombies. I manage a retail store.

My company gave me a store in the worst possible part of town for the kind of business they want to do. Nobody lives near it on a year-round basis. It’s all resorts and tourists. So, the store underperforms on “pre-sales” (ie. my customers don’t reserve games because you have to purchase them at the same store at which you reserve them). I suggested moving my store to an area where most of my few locals came from. Instead, they opened a second store where I suggested moving mine to. Now, my sales numbers have dropped considerably. This MUST be my fault because that new store right down the road couldn’t possibly have any effect on my sales, right?

Their actual philosophy where this is concerned is “there’s no such thing as a poor location, only poor management.” I’ve heard a VP actually say that. Obviously, the’ve never heard of “location, location, location.” At any rate, if this continues, and it will, I won’t have a job much longer. I thought I would have more time, but since the holidays, sales have fallen off a cliff. I can hear the drums beating.

Seriously, I’d rather have my balls chewed by badgers than go through this again. The time is approaching to sink or swim on my own terms or try living on someone else’s yet again. It seems I’m screwed either way, so I’ll go down the rat hole on my own terms, doing what I want to do, not bent over for some corporate kool-aid drinker who doesn’t know shit about actually managing a store, or some flavor-of-the-week school board member who doesn’t know shit about actually teaching real children. No thank you.

Dude, I’m with @T.N. and @Darren; the day job ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s mindless and soul-sucking. I get a check and benefits, and that’s all I’m in it for. The writing, even if it sucks and even if no one else but me ever reads it, at least lets me use some of the brain cells that haven’t died from sheer boredom.

I never wanted to be a writer. I love books. I was perfectly happy just worshipping at the altar. Writing shambled over to me, clubbed me over the back of the head with a really BIG dictionary, and dragged me off screaming.

@T. N. Tobias, there’s no herd-thinning going on here. Good writers are not our competition. More good writers, more good books, more people buying books: we all win. We’re in this together. Our competition is Glee, and America’s Most Wanted, and the new McDonalds MMO at http://www.mcworld.com.

I wish Chuck was lying. God, I do. I’ve been a writer for 16 years, and had over 100 books published. By any lights, I’m “successful”. My publishers even like my writing. Last year, I earned about $5000.

The trouble is, writing full-time stains you. Your mind gets weird, and gnarly, and it just won’t easily fit into the old boxes any more. I don’t even usually notice I’m horrifying the normals until they’re backing out of the door looking panicked, and a more resolute friend says “They’re not ready for Japanese Tentacle Sex, dude.”

Look, don’t get me wrong. I _LOVE_ writing. The act of putting good sentences together, having them form a flow that makes sense and does what you want it to… it’s awesome. World-building is even better than masturbation. And the moments when it all comes together and it’s slashing through you from Somewhere Outside, and the characters are actually telling you what they’re doing, and your fingers can barely keep up… it’s like nothing else.

But there’s a lot of hideous frustration, and fear, and regret, and self-loathing angst involved too. Days when it’s all you can do to just smash your head into bricks and hope the blood-spatters form letters. Days when you know you’re the worst hack since McGonegal. Days when you’d rather have your nipples sliced off with razor blades than face that thrice-damned blank page. The worst of all has to be the loneliness, though. If you’re going to be a writer, you’re going to spend most of your waking life on your own in a small room, ignoring the lovely weather, ignoring the people who love you, talking to no-one save your imaginary friends.

It’s not romantic. It’s not clever. Yes, the act can be incredible, but doing it for a living? I must be totally out of my crazed little mind.

I hear your words, Prophet. I know them to be true. Except for the lies.

And yet, yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of the kind of world where movies like “Little Fockers” and “Yogi Bear” are made, I shall fear no mediocrity. For I have my Paen to comfort me. “The Dark Knight”, “The King’s Speech”, and everything Pixar does to guide me. And yea, when I see a man make money off of his e-published short story collection, my cup shall runneth over.

Translation:

I knew this would never be easy. And I might fail. But if there were no chance of failure, it wouldn’t be worth trying. Bring it.

Best article I have ready in a very long time.

But … but … I don’t want to do anything else!

Bwahahah! Let the Pubocalypse rage! The whole industry makes no sense and is geared more and more toward screwing the writer. THeir business model hasn’t shifted with the times in 150 years. It’s about time it all came crashing down. I say we embrace the e-medium and let the traditional publishing industry choke on its last bitter breath and die, wretched and cursing.

Chuck, man, you’re too late to save me. Yeah, I know the hell of working the day job whilst I wait to hear back from the sadists, I mean agents, who are perusing my magnificent octopus; I anticipate with dread the long dark tea-time of the soul as I try to write another novel even a quarter as good as my half-arsed first project. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t care if it’s an oncoming train. I’m going to stare that sucker down and halt it in its tracks, like Spiderman. Oh yeah.

Or die trying.

This was a fantastic read. Thank you for taking the time out of your 10k backwards words to warn everyone off. Brilliant. Now excuse me while I go write a short story.

GODDAMMIT WHERE WERE YOU TWENTY YEARS AGO?!

“GODDAMMIT WHERE WERE YOU TWENTY YEARS AGO?!”

In my attic bedroom, a surly 14-year-old, probably contemplating how best to convince somebody to sleep with me.

Oh! And entertaining dreams of being a BIG TIME WRITERFACE.

– c.

Thanks for the anchor, buddy. Makes drowning so much easier.

Pretty much sums up the reality. I always tell wanna-be writers if I’d had any common sense I’d have chosen another career years ago. There are times when dusting off my Green Beret skills and being a gunslinger for hire in some far off shithole seem attractive.

I remember David Morrell telling a group of wanna-be’s at Thrillerfest not to quit their day jobs. I’ve heard that often.

Then one day, a light bulb went on. I had a famous ‘moment of enlightenment’ as I teach in Warrior Writer: My day job WAS writing.

And I have no plans to quit it.

Books am dumb.

There is no substitute for winning the lottery.

It’s too late for me too – but I know a few people who can still turn back… I’m sending your blog link to them – mainly because they think I’m joking when I tell them what the industry is really like (especially if you’re not Snooki – and I had to look her up, she’s not really made an impression down here in New Zealand).
But I suspect they’ll forge ahead anyway – there is a particular type of insanity that governs writers to write and suffer the inevitable horror.

Meanwhile I’m off to delight in the knowing that my 3rd thriller will be released next month.

The post was so good that, even though it was more than 140 characters, I still managed to read it in its entirety. Seriously, if there was an award for best post of the year, this post would not only win, they would name the award after it.

Keep ‘em coming my Pennsyltucky brother.

Bollocks. All of it. The myth that writers can’t make a living is perpetuated by writers who don’t know how to make a living. Here’s a link for a counter argument: http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/?p=607

If you want to be a writer, write. There’s no more guarantee you can make a living as an accountant, widget maker, or teacher either.

@Rob:

First, keep in mind that this post is… er, tongue-in-cheek. My “facts,” while based on a modicum of reality, are wildly disproportionate to the truth.

Second, that doesn’t mean that I’d agree with you, however. Writers do not benefit from consistent income, health care, any of that. Other full-time jobs, for better or for worse, do. It’s a steady paycheck. Writing can offer a good wage, but it requires a different kind of commitment and rarely falls into the “steady” category.

– c.

Awesome! Since I was once simultaneously attacked by a bear and shark, now I’m a guaranteed success as a writer! YESSSSSSS!

Hmm, how did I manage to escape the trap that is “artist” only to fall into the one that is “writer”? Still, I never do choose the easy routes. And I’m still deluded enough to think that I have a chance.

[...] Wendig recently posted about Ten Reasons You Don’t Want To Be A Writer. It’s a very tongue in cheek post, but there’s a serious message in there: are you sure [...]

Very depressing. Very true. For my take on the situation, see http://www.kategallison.com/grapes.htm

Good show! Now let’s see how many no-talent sluggards are actually discouraged by this (I can count them simply by closing my fist).

Cheers,

Thomas Burchfield
Author of the supernatural thriller Dragon’s Ark, due March 15, 2011, from Ambler House
Author of the comic screenplay Whackers, available at Smashwords.com.
Follow me at Blogger, the Red Room, Facebook, and Twitter
For editing services, see my page at the Bay Area Editors’ Forum
(510) 547-1092

Fanfuckingtastic. You tell me this now when I’m too far in to stop.

I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN UNICORN. I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE UNICORNS.

Or at least a fucking pony.

lisa

No seriously, write this book!

Brilliant piece of writing. Now I’m going to stick my hand in the sand and continue believing in the writing fairie

[...] No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Don’t Want To Be A Writer. [...]

[...] Jan Chuck Wendig produced this utterly fantastic post about how none of us really actually want to be writers. And I have to agree with him — we really [...]

As a published writer, this is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Cake and whores. That about sums it up.

I’m one of those you are trying to warn off. I’ve been thinking about becoming a writer for 20 years and have made a good living doing something that I really don’t have any passion for. My soul bleeds a little bit everyday. I recently read a quote that summed it up nicely, it went something like this: “When I’m writing it’s the only time I wish I wasn’t doing something else.”

I’ve wasted enough of my life, and I’m not waiting any longer, damn the torpedoes!

Hmmm…can you say STFU! All this ranting and raving doesn’t do shit. If its so hard get the fuck out as for Snooki don’t be a hater, it really doesn’t look good on you. Want to be like Snooki and get a deal join a freaking reality show and act a fool then see what kind of deals come your way. That just life. Don’t know who Jane Yolen is but I damn sure as hell watch Jersey Shore every Thursday night and knows who Snooki is so who’s book am I more likely to have read? I LOVE ebooks no heavy ass books to carry or clutter up my room, it all goes to my ipad which I think is GREAT! As for piracy if you are true to your fans they will be true to you and not steal from you but fuck up on one little thing and it’s over for you. So next time your publisher tells you its a great idea to start coming out with all your books in hardback which costs a lot you tell them I don’t think my fans will be happy with that. Instead of coming out with 3 or 4 books a year, come out with just 1 and see how quickly you lose dedicated fans. Think about it people.

Shay and Andy Kaufman have never been seen in the same room together.

Love this. Hilarious, and sadly so true. Worse yet, I read today that “The Situation” made 3 million dollars last year. And he didn’t even have to write a book. That’s it, I’m taking the poison…

Who or what is “Snooki?”

My dad’s a writer. I got it from him, kind of like an STD or something. I can’t say I regret it, but I’ve been living with a poetry rash that’s worse than eczema and fetal prose syndrome, so maybe I don’t have very much to compare it with.

Most excellent blog post, spells things out so succinctly, thank you for your words but like all good masochists, I must keep writing. Alas, such is my fate.

Sally forth,

Ardee-ann

Rob mentioned Dean Wesley Smith’s blog on the “Writer’s can’t make money” myth. (see http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/?p=607 )

I read the article, and aspects of it annoyed me. DWS is pretty radical, possibly flat-out paranoid at times, and often gratuitously scathing. But reading the rest of his rants in both his Killing The Sacred Cows of Publishing and New World of Publishing sections, I have to say that I think he genuinely is onto something big.

Particularly with the electronic options now available, there has been a big power shift. It’s barely registering at the top, and it’s not going to change big publishing very much, but it is there, and it’s something we can all use. All of us.

If you have a bit of patience, I recommend wading through all of Dean’s posts in both sections. Check the comments, too. It’s a bit like reading a collection of Lovecraft stories — one is a bit odd, three or four feel slightly silly, but by the time you’re up to ten or so, the cumulative power is astonishing.

But for now, just go to this one — http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/?p=2571 — and have a look at what he has to say about the long tail, cumulative sales, and the virtues of some patience and stamina. I’m not surprised he’s excited.

The funniest parts of this were the exactly true parts. Only a very talented writing could describe the life so well.

[...] be making the trip to the big D without that nice bonus. As Chuck Wendig pointed out, “Evidently Society Still Requires Money to Procure Goods and Services“. Who would have [...]

[...] little procrastination never hurt anyone: I’ll start with this one from Terrible Minds, as it gave me the best laugh I’ve had in some time.  This dude can really write; even his [...]

Thanks, I needed a laugh. Because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. It’s all true.

We live in crazy times. Getting crazier. Snooki, any politician, anyone who ever tried out for American Idol, Justin Baby writing his memoir of his amazing, spell-binding fourteen years on Earth…and yet the craziest of them all – those of us who keep writing. We’re writing the wrong stuff. We live in a crap-eating world.

But, hey, your rant was entertaining!

I never wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be… a lumberjack.

Unfortunately, if you show up in the woods here with an axe, the trees can get quite upset about it and you’ll be reported and arrested as a herbicidal maniac or a serial feller. That’s assuming the trees don’t take the law into their own twigs and compost you themselves.

On the whole, writing is less profitable but much safer.

Very funny…and true. ha. My first novel is out now and while it’s doing well, the whole process certainly isn’t what I would have thought more than ten years ago when I began this journey. We posted a portion with a link back to you today on Novel Journey. Hope that was okay.

@Gina:

Absolutely. Thanks for the link-back!

– c.

[...] Man, last week? I read this post written by some guy? And it was all like, “Blah blah blah, seriously, you don’t want to be a writer because it sucks and I whine a lot.” [...]

It’s funny because it’s true.

Although, before I shot everyone in sight and jumped off the Editorial Ledge, I would still try to read the ms about the wombat trainer blacksmith. Mostly because I have a thing for wombats and blacksmiths.

LOL This is funny. True, but so funny. But I am not deterred – I will still write.

That “debunking” by Dean Wesley Smith is little more than anecdotal evidence, assertions that the studies establishing average writer incomes are wrong (without producing said studies or conducting proper scientific review of their methods and numbers), and a lot of red herring discussion about the finances of publishing which demonstrates nothing about the distribution of income among published writers.

The tone of Smith’s economics rings vaguely Austrian: a lot of “self-evident” principles (read: libertarian catechism) and not a lot of mathematical rigor except at a small scale where it doesn’t really address the macroeconomic dynamics in question. I could be wrong on Smith’s ideology based on this one sample, but brushing off complaints about income distribution certainly would please an Austrian School libertarian.

But, I can do a better job of dismissing the whole debate about the “average” income of published writers in two sentences:

“What matters is not the average income of published writers, but the power law governing how that income is distributed. For example, if a large enough percentage of total writer income is paid out to a small enough percentage of writers, it would be quite possible for a majority of published writers to earn well below the poverty line.”

Of course, that’s merely a clarification of the problem. The numbers would have to be gathered, analyzed, and peer reviewed before we could have a reasonable picture of the financial risk involved in trying to make a living as a published writer.

Still laughing (a week later) over “Someone spent my marketing budget on cake and whores.” Can I put that on a T-shirt (just one, for me), if I put -Chuck Wendig, TerribleMinds.com after it?

[...] when they’re not useful, and they’re often very useful. This week he talked about why no one in their right mind would want to be a writer, and then turned around and talked about why no one in their right mind would not want to be a [...]

[...] But it isn’t cheerful, at least not yet. Another pal posted this link on a writers loop You Don’t Want To Be A Writer. I pulled into a Barnes and Noble when my car began to overheat because I thought B&N would be [...]

I’ve known this for a long time… got a Pulitzer prize-winner for a brother. I’ve been writing on-line for fifteen years, never made a dime off of it, still have the same 32 readers/day. I’m retired now, and I don’t need to worry about making money, ’cause I live very cheap. But I’m a writer, and I still might write… well, I do write, every day, on the web… but it’s a hobby, always has been, always will be, as long as it’s still fun.

You should write for the same reason you have kids: you literally cannot bear not to. Anything less cheats the child (or the book)…

No, fuck you. I’m writing anyway.

Dammit! It’s too late for me. Save yourselves people. Do it now. Chuck and I will continue drinking with our sinister hands.

dammit, it really is too late. There’s a comma missing up there in my last comment. ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH….

pretend you see it.

Bristol Palin just got a book deal, for a memoir!?! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/07/bristol-palin-memoir-untitled_n_819850.html

This was so funny and sadly true! I have no desire to be a writer, but I am a fanatic reader. Seeing people like Snookie get a book deal makes the Taco Bell I ate for dinner want to come back up. (or maybe that’s just Taco Bell) Anyway thanks for the laugh! I will pass this on to any body I meet who thinks they should be an author!

[...] No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer. [...]

[...] kind of pulling a Chuck Wendig here, admittedly. Last week I wrote a post about how much I love being a freelance writer [...]

I have to take exception with one of your comments. Comparing Snooki to a monkey-goblin is an insult to monkeys.

One night in Seattle, I chatted with Dean Wesley Smith and bought one of his books. My take-away? He’s a far better salesman than writer. I’m not necessarily being critical. Do what works for you.

Thanks for making the poets win! We’re never portrayed as the winners!

And now Palin’s daughter apparently has one.

“It’s like an asylum where they let that guy who paints leprechaun porn in his own waste run the joint.”

hahahahahahah! God, I love your blog.

All this encouragement has gone to my head/

[...] No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer. [...]

[...] via No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer. [...]

1. I always knew the poets would win.
2. It’s too late for me. It was write or schizophrenia. I chose a med free option.
3. I’m a writer. What the fuck is reality? LOL!!!

Awesome post.

You’re missing the worst part: Snooki’s got a contract, but even she can’t sell her books. http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/loads-promotion-snookis-book-low-sales-76611?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

I’m with Esri -

“Someone spent my marketing budget on cake and whores.” <– We need T-shirts…

Better yet, a flag to fly over our bunker.

That was a seriously entertaining read.
Sounds like I’ll be choosing between feeding my intellectual vanity and feeding myself.
I gotta pick the former, because I’d much rather be a good writer than a popular one.

[...] Click here! [...]

This funny. And sad. Horrifying. And mostly true.

I hear the dancing Palin with the famous mother is writing a memoir too. Sigh.

[...] Because it’s too late for me. The little voices have taken over. Take Heed. [...]

[...] http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/01/20/no-seriously-im-not-fucking-around-you-really-dont-want-t... [...]

[...] So, you’re interested in being a writer? Banging on the keys? Spinning stories out of straw and old Selectric ribbons? Might wanna read this first….. [...]

Might as well slit my throat and shove my head up Snookie’s ass since her shit is about as good as I’m ever going to get.

To all you folks saying writing is saving your sanity: No one ever told you not to write. We’re just saying that you can’t make a decent living at it.

As one who’s made a career, but not good money, as a writer, I’m constantly getting asked how one becomes a successful writer – as in, someone who makes a decent living at it. I say, “Marry well.” Or “Learn to do math.” Given Snooki, I might add “Become famous doing something else.” Telling people they can make money through writing is cruel, so you have done us and them a favor.

People will always crave stories and clever turns of phrase. But they’re no longer willing to pay for them. Simple as that.

Ah, it’s too damn late for me, I’m already screwed. Your post had me laughing so hard because it’s all so true. We’re crazy people. Pink parts…I haven’t laughed like that in ages!

)

As a published author who just had her latest book turned down because the heroine was going through menopause, let me say Thank You Chuck. Oh — what’s that? Oh, yes. You read that correctly. Because she was menopausal. That, the editors told me, was right up there with talking about periods. Or condoms. They loved my “voice” my “style” my characters, my plot, and OH YEAH, it was great that I had fire-breathing flying monkeys in it, and oh, you’ve had NINE books published? Great! But a woman going through menopause? Uh . . . well . . . (Several of the younger editors, the teenagers, ran screaming into Manhattan alleyways never to be heard from again) “Gee,” the other, senior editors said, smiling their pleasant little twenty-year-old smiles. “Thanks but no thanks.” *deep breath*

So dear Chuck, like I said, I want to thank you. No, I want to do more. I want to lie down at your feet and lick your toes carefully one by one, not in a sexual way, you understand, but just to pay you a kind of humble homage. I needed to laugh today. I cannot tell you how desperately I needed to laugh. I’m about to start teaching a writing workshop because I need the money. Only no one can afford to take it. But I’m trying to work out a new approach to the workshop so I can hawk it online later, so I cut my price in half and ONE person took me up on it out of nine. Today I applied for a job to make $10 per blog post that I would write for a company on a variety of fascinating subjects: finance, nutrition, manufacturing. This is why I don’t own a gun.

I have added another soap opera to my daily schedule and every morning, I want to deep fry my animals or myself as I stare at my latest project and think–What is the point? But what keeps running through my mind even louder is HOW DID I GET HERE? And more importantly. WHY?

So, thank you Chuck. Thank you for making me laugh out loud, long and hard, and smile and nod and make a fist and pump it into the air with a shout of “Yeah! True Dat!” and other such emphatic ejaculations of agreement. Thank you.
*lick, lick*

The bloodletting, the piper, the space whores. Here I thought I was the only one….
Brilliant. I cried. Thank you.

[...] True fact: the writer’s life is an unglamorous one. It’s the furthest thing from sexy. It’s not so much action-packed as it is a wisdom tooth socket packed with septic cotton. In case you didn’t realize it, no, seriously, I’m not fucking around, you really don’t want to be a writer. [...]

[...] But aren’t we all when we start the process?  We write a novel with wide-eyed hope of seeing our name splashed across a hard back cover in some fancy font and sitting on the main display table of Barnes and Noble.  At that point we’re basking in the success of having a 70,000 word completed piece of work.  There were times it was a question if we’d even get that far.  But, we haven’t done any research, asked any questions, or done any hard work to find out about the business except for writing the damn thing.  (Which you soon realize is just the first step.)  If you have any questions if writing is for you, check out this blog. [...]

Your ploy to thin the ranks of the competition arrayed against you may fool some into turning back, but not I.

What a hoot, I snorted my morning coffee through my nose when I got to Shaving Ryan’s Private Parts. And Snookie, I’m still kicking my dog over her book deal. Bitch.

Ideas are better open-sourced.

Writing or any other kind of art should be a secondary activity after actually getting something done. If your thoughts are so insightful or precious, join academiia or a think tank. Apply for a grant. Real artists starve for their art.

Prostitutes and mercenaries and criminals and charismatic cult leaders make all the money. If you’re more than one, multiply your winnings.

Seriously, people are not paid for their work. They are paid for their image. The information age has only made this more true, but it was always true. The fact is that, for a while, a particular confluence of artificial scarcity, control and mass media distribution allowed a few lucky scribes to exploit a loophole in the system. But the loopholes are closing.

Welcome back to serfdom, Internet style. enjoy your stay.

Knowing that I have to get a million hits on my blog http://www.breakingdishesinmyhead.blogspot.com before I can get a book deal is very frustrating. Of course, I don’t have to even write the book first so that’s a plus!!

Funny: I’m currently working toward my Ph.D in Botany solely so I don’t have to go back to writing. Carnivorous plants may look at me funny, but at least they don’t quote Cory Doctorow’s vowel movements about how “all you need to do is give your stuff away for free and you’ll be a success!” (There’s absolutely nothing that ol’ Cory’s written about writing or publishing that wasn’t said better by Steve Martin [in the role of Ruprecht] in the film “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” 23 years ago.)

Oh, and another reason why I’m glad I’m no longer a writer? I won’t have to listen to the bleatings of butthurt wannabes screaming about how “None of this is true! I have it in me! I’m gonna show you ALL!” Go ahead, sweethearts. Show us all that learning to type by throwing cats at your keyboard to compose that Absolutely Fabulous/Farscape slashfic is worth the time. You’ll just make the agents and editors happier when this year’s International Slushpile Bonfire Day ( http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.php?id=950 ) comes around.

… tkx. Chuck… have taken your advice… instead of writing myself into a corner and pleading insanity to the judge for having lost every asset and family member dear to me I’ve decided I’ll settle for Snooki’s next published bound bag of word-dung.

[...] this site. I just discovered it for myself, and I think it’s brilliant. It’s called Terrible Minds, and this is a brilliant post about why you don’t want to be a writer. Really. Like the man says, “Save [...]

[...] This post by Chuck Wendig makes me both peesnortle with laughter and weep bitter, bitter tears at the same time. [...]

When reading this from the UK, I assumed ‘Snooki’ was a trope, a way of saying mindless celebrity. Then I checked and found she is a ‘real’ or possibly ‘reality’ person. Why are you all surprised by celebrity books? They exist. But so do good books. Yes, being a writer is difficult, but as one of your comments says, mindless corporate crap is much much much worse and more likely to lead to murder. good luck to all of you, be a writer. Go on, it can’t hurt. Just don’t expect it to be your only source of income.

THAT was awesome. And rather frightening….

Dear Chunk Wendigo,

I think I love you.

Love, Jane

Unfortunately I’ve already consumed several cases of alphabet soup and painted the ceramic bowl with twenty completed, low-fiber novels. Subsequently, as you predict with joyous jocularity, I fell victim to the subsistence existence prevalent among wordslingers. Still, there is something to be said for late-night raids in the farmers fields for foodstuffs. It builds character, helps maintain a svelte and lithesome figure, and prevents that evil slide into—contentment. HAR!

Even though the odds are against me. And I know the chances of getting an agent or a publisher are slim….

I can’t give up writing, even if its just for myself. I love it, it’s my passion. No my obsession!!!

Marry me, Chuck.

Bloody BRILLIANT.

[...] No, seriously, I’m fucking around, you do not want to be a writer. [...]

Jeebus Christie.

I’m really sorry to be the bearer of bad, lunatic-frothed news, but Chuck, your brilliant and wholesome plea has had absolutely the opposite effect on me. Never before in my life have i found myself charged with such demented, psychotic energy to get published.

Name your low. The thing you would, in your heart of squeamish and grimacing hearts, stoop to doing in order to land that sparkly publishing deal. NAME YOUR LOWEST LOW, i triple dare you. I will TOP THAT LOW, and i will DO IT IN HEELS.

roflmao yeah, I totally agree
(o:

[...] the thought of sharks isn’t enough to stop wannabe writers in their tracks, this is a brilliantly funny explanation of the horrors [f-word warning] by Chuck Wendig . And here is all you really need to know to write a story [...]

Bwahahahaha…Wah! I’m sitting here with socks on my wrists so my sweaty flesh doesn’t stick to my laptop as I feverishly work on finishing edits that are due back to my publisher in a week. You made me laugh and cry and blubber into my socks so that I now have to run grab another pair. Thank you!

But I really want to try writing. I’m a starved soul. I can’t draw, paint, sing, play instrument, or even 70s break dance. I have no creative outlet, except maybe writing.. Yeah your write, best to be a wealthy automaton then an satisfied writer.

I am in the UK, and I’m a contractor. I have to pay my own taxes and the like, I get no benefits. None.

I don’t get paid holiday.

If I add up my pay after tax etc, I am just a smidge above minimum wage.

So I’m already a sort of hobo. I may as well be enjoying it.

[...] and writers constantly tell wannabe writers things like this. Because it’s a crazy freakin’ life, and honestly, not everyone should be a writer, [...]

I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, my characters didn’t give me a choice in the matter. I’m a writer, whether I want to be or not. I’m just one of those people that goes to my 9-5 job, takes my laptop along and writes like a fiend on my lunch break.

just because Snooki got on a talk show doesnt mean she’s “high up on the food chain” of being a writer. which determines a more successful writer, being on a talk show or getting good reviews of your books? As you said, her own book is tanking right now.
she was on the talk show because her job is entertaining people. its not to be a writer.

[...] Email Subject Lines Words that trigger Spam filtersNo, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer [...]

Thank you.

I know this is going to kill me in the end.