Tag: terribleminds (page 3 of 4)

Terribleminds-Related Shiznit

July 22, 2011 / 6 Comments

Penmonkey Incitement: T-Shirt, Unlocked

And, bam.

The CERTIFIED PENMONKEY t-shirt is unlocked now that we’ve reached the “100” mark for the PENMONKEY REEDUC… er, INCITEMENT PROGRAM.

(We’re now at a total of 430 sold.)

What that means is, this t-shirt —

— will be sent to one lucky COAFPM procurer.

That PENMONKEY will be —

*is delivered an envelope by a whirring Doom-Bot*

Holly West!

Woo! *confetti, applause, buzzsaws*

And, because we hit the 100 mark, that also means: postcard.

That postcard goes to —

*drum roll using the skulls of my foes as drums, Ewok-style*

Lynda Kachurek!

If the both of you could e-mail me to confirm your mailing addresses, that would be super-sweet.

Remember: at certain “incitement procurement targets,” awesome things (like cybernetic Dobermans) are released. If you need a reminder, the releases go according to this handy-dandy chart:

For every 50 sales, a postcard.

For every 100 sales, a t-shirt.

For every 200 sales, a copy-edit of your work (5000 words or 50 script pages).

For every 500 sales, a brand new Kindle.

Also, please note that if you haven’t already done so, you need to send me proof of your purchase to terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com, so the Doom-Bots know to count you in subsequent incitement draws.

Though, if you bought COAFPM as PDF, you do not need to send it to me. I’ve got it covered.

Other Updatery-Doo

If you’re so inclined to know how all the e-books are doing, stick around.

COAFPM (now with 12 great reviews at Amazon, and always seeking more) is doing very well. That $4.99 price point is a strong one. It allows me to see some bill-paying money come in without necessitating epic sales numbers — further, it allows me to do cool contests like the incitement program.

You can read a nice review of COAFPM here.

250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING actually has the opposite going for it — I’ve already sold 350 copies in four days (compare that to the 430 sold for COAFPM over two months), but of course at $0.99 you only get 30% opposed to the 70% with slightly higher prices. But that’s okay. This book is meant to whet people’s appetites and force them to grow addicted to my “Chimp-on-PCP” style of writing and further increase in them a desire to don red robes and drink my hypnotic Flavor-Aid. (Remember, everybody: Reverend Jim Jones did not use Kool-Aid. Is it sick that I envision a wife trying to force feed her husband a cup of cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and he’s like “No — no!” and then the Kool-Aid Man comes cannonballing through the tent-flap and he’s all like “OH YEAAAAHH”…?)

Seems like self-published authors are best served by a diversity of product and price point.

I might just be making that up, though. Don’t quote me on it. You do what you like.

IRREGULAR CREATURES, my short story collection, is continuing its “slow and steady wins the race” approach. Getting near 750 sales, so I’m pretty happy about that. I’m even happier about the incredible reviews over at Amazon (38 of ’em so far, all surprisingly kind).

You can find a nice review of IC over at JD Rhodes’ blog.

And I think that’s all, folks.

If you got questions, comments, complaints, prayer requests, or wedding proposals, now’s the time.

July 4, 2011 / 28 Comments

The Penmonkey Incitement

Wow. THE PENMONKEY INCITEMENT sounds like a lost Robert Ludlum novel.

Never mind.

I would like to sell more copies of CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY.

I have, at this exact moment, sold 328 copies over the last six weeks.

For the record, I’m not unhappy with that number. It actually makes me giddy. I see that number, I do a little dance. In my pants. Hah, just kidding, I don’t wear your oppressive Earth pants. PENMONKEY is actually poised to out-earn IRREGULAR CREATURES despite the latter being on sale since January and having sold twice as many copies. So, hey: thumbs up.

Even still, I want more copies of PENMONKEY in the world.

I seek nothing short of total dominance of the “writing advice” market, where me and my hunter-killer robots storm across the barren wasteland of the publishing industry, eradicating bad writing left and right with our laser beams and pinching claws. I want a throne built of slushy manuscripts and lined with the teeth of those writers who had sense knocked into them (and molars knocked out of them) by my book.

I also want a Lamborghini. I mean, c’mon. I had the poster as a kid. Lamborghini. Hot bikini chick. Maybe a python or some shit. And I suspect that my little bloggery-book on writing advice is the way toward such fame and fortune. And toward a chick with a constrictor snake inside a hot late 80’s sports car.

Okay, I kid. But I would still like to get more PENMONKEY out there, regardless of my lack of Lamborghinis or doom-bots. Right? Right.

To do so, I thought, okay, maybe an incentive program. Maybe, if I don’t sell 100 copies every week, I would do something horrible. “You don’t buy my book, I’ll shoot this unicorn.”

Except then I figured, ohh, ohhh, nobody’s going to buy the book because everybody’s going to want to see the unicorn shooting. And they’re going to wanna see how I dispose of all those unicorn carcasses.

So, I went back to the wise words of my Kung Fu mentor, Wily Cheung Dragon, who said:

“Be a fountain, not a drain.”

Which, it turns out, was just advice on how to pee, but hell with him, he was old and smelled like wet dog.

Point is, incentives should be positive.

So, here then, are the incentives for CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY. Ready?

Every 50 Copies Sold: Did Somebody Say “Postcard?”

I sell 50 copies, I will mail you a postcard. In the real mail. In the corporeal world. This postcard will be — well, I don’t know what the hell it’ll be. Maybe a PENMONKEY postcard, I dunno. But I do know what the postcard will say, and that’s a postcard-sized piece of single-serving writing advice. I will not duplicate this advice across any postcards. It will be handwritten, which means you get to gaze upon my calligraphy, which is about as legible as if you cut off a chicken’s head and stuck a fountain pen in the stump and then let him flop around on a piece of paper. Still: free postcard.

Every 100 Copies Sold: Free Motherfucking T-Shirt

Folks have been clamoring for a PENMONKEY t-shirt. Well, I’m not selling one. What am I, a t-shirt shop?

No.

I am, however, giving one away.

That shirt will probably be this shirt:

Since I’m only giving away these shirts, that means it will be rare and worth millions of dollars. Okay, maybe not that last part. But rare! Definitely rare. Yeah.

That said, I reserve the right to change the t-shirt at any time. I probably won’t, because I’m lazy, but I’m also unpredictable. Like a homeless guy with a knife and a drinking problem.

I only promise that the t-shirt will contain the word: PENMONKEY.

(That shirt also says terribleminds on the back, by the way. I did it with Zazzle.)

Every 200 Copies Sold: I Edit Your Shit

For every 200 copies, I will pick someone at random and offer them the chance to get a single editing pass on 5000 words of their content or 50 script pages of a screenplay from yours truly. I will give it a robust single pass of copy, content and context, and further, I will always be tactful but make no aims to be nice. Know that going in (then again, if you read this blog, you know I’m a tough-love type — I love you, sure, but my love comes stapled to the end of a Louisville slugger).

You may say, what are my qualifications beyond being just some fuckface with an author’s blog and a book containing dubious NSFW writing advice? I’ve been writing professionally now for over 13 years, and further, I’ve done quite a bit of editing and developing work. For example, I hired writers, developed content, and edited the writing across the entire Hunter: The Vigil game-line. Those writers I hired will likely tell you that they hated me and envisioned my death, but I also believe they’ll tell you that I improved their work. (If any of those writers are here now, feel free to pop in and say so. Or, tell me you still hate me.)

Every 500 Copies Sold: Some Awesome Fucker Gets A Kindle

Yep. For every half-a-thousand sold, I’ll pick someone at random and give them a Kindle. I’m not made of wampum over here, so it’ll be the “regular” Kindle that comes bundled with special offers (THIS GUY right here). If you already have a Kindle, then feel free to either say, “Send it to [insert person’s name here]” or “No, thank you, please pick the next person on the list, as I am one magnanimous muhfucka.”

The Deets

Here, then, is the 411, the deets, the down-low.

This, er, “incentive program” is only open to those in the United States of America. I can’t pay international shipping, and further, may not be able to give international work a good proper edit. [EDIT: That said, if you’re international and you want me to edit your work, so be it, I will.]

I will run this for the next 1000 sales of PENMONKEY (starting with sale #329) or for the next year, whichever comes first. After that, I may continue, discontinue, or change the parameters and have my doom-bots add new “incitement protocols.”

I will keep a running tally somewhere on this site, soon as I figure out where that goes best. Sidebar? Maybe.

Any “incentives” will be received within 60 days of notification, though I have little doubt it’ll get to you a lot sooner. (The only tricky one is the edit, which may take time, so I want that 60-day cushion.)

This program is open to those who have already procured PENMONKEY (i.e. those first 328 purchasers) provided they live in the United States.

If you bought a PDF, I already have your email address and you don’t need to do anything at all.

If you bought a copy via Amazon or B&N, I need proof of sale and and e-mail address. Proof of sale can be a screen cap of a receipt or a photo of the book on your e-reader device. I reserve the right to be a jerk and test you and quiz you. Because that’s just how I roll. (Though recall: I also roll lazy. So I probably won’t.)

You can send proof of purchase to a special address I’ve got set-up for the whole shebang:

terribleminds at gmail dot com.

“Incitement Recipients” will be chosen at random via spreadsheet + random number generator.

If you have any questions, use the comment box below.

To procure PENMONKEY:

Kindle (US), Kindle (UK), Nook, or PDF.

I politely request that you spread the word on this, as it doesn’t work unless… well, people know about it.

Let the doom-bots begin their incitement.

I look forward to my hot-chick-in-a-Lamborghini.

June 15, 2011 / 51 Comments

The Official Terribleminds Writer’s Guide To Blogging About Blogging

Blogging cannot get more useless when a blog blogs about blogging, and even worse, here I’m going to blog about some blogs that have in fact already blogged about blogging, and that’s so much blogging it hurts.

Did you follow that? Me neither.

Point is, Kristen Lamb wrote that writers should not blog about writing.

Then Austin Wulf said, writers should too blog about writing.

Then Albert Berg said, good points all around but Kristen might be right, now let’s everybody have a tickle.

And now, here I am.

Blogging about bloggers who have blogged about blogging.

Which is why you’ll notice a trickle of treacly blood exiting my ears.

Obviously, I am a writer (duh) who frequently blogs about writing (duh) though one might not refer to this specifically as a writing blog. Thus, I feel compelled by my deranged mind to talk a little on this subject. I figure, I’ll grab the snake and force him to bite his own tail and yammer about my blogging style here at Jolly Olde Terribleminds, and you can take this information and make love to it…

…or shove it instead up a donkey’s corn-chute.

Your call. Please to enjoy.

First: This Blog, Right Here

I started this site over ten years ago. Probably 12, by now. Before it was WordPress it was a straight-up HTML site designed by a friend and it looked pretty cool at the time, but as new browsers hit the ground, the site refused to play well with them. So, to read the site on, say, Firefox, you had to highlight invisible text and pray to dark gods and mist the screen with bergamot oil just to read what I was saying.

It only worked on Internet Explorer, which is like saying, it only worked on a computer powered by coal.

Two years ago I switched to WordPress. I opened the site up to comments. I began tracking views and page hits and what-not. I also started blogging every damn day, seven days a week.

I don’t say this to brag, only to show the growth of the blog and its readership, but: in June 2009, all month I had 922 unique guests here at the site. That number began doubling until it reached what the site had in June of 2010, which was 15,000 visitors. On June 9th of this year, the blog had 18,490 looky-loos just on that one day. Now, that was a bit extreme, admittedly, and unusual here, but even still, I’ve been getting 70-90k per month, and this month already I’m on track to see the biggest flock of readers yet.

So, am I doing something right? Well, that’s debatable. Quantity is not quality, after all, though I should note I’m quite happy with the quality of readership here. You all seem lovely. Except that one guy in the corner fondling himself. *is handed a piece of paper* Oh. Oh. That’s a mirror? Huh. Awkward.

I’m happy with the blog and its contents.

Rule One: Blog About Whatever The Fuck You’d Like

I agree with the spirit of Lamb’s law, but not the letter — I do not think that blogging about writing is a bad move for writers. The spirit of her law is more that a writer should blog about all kinds of things, not just writing, and further that a writer should not feel compelled to blog about writing by dint of being a writer, and to all that, I agree. But I’m not comfortable saying a writer shouldn’t blog about writing — whether just a little or all the time — if that’s what what makes you happy. Because that’s my ultimate law of bloggery-do: blog what you want because you want to.

Blog about: writing, editing, books, films, games, child-rearing, whisky, snake-breeding, illicit botany, wicker furniture, hookers, microphone fetishes, or the Many Ways To Murder Your Mailman.

Blog about what interests you. About things that rouse your passion, that tickle your saucer nips, that make you do a little ants-in-your-pants prancey dance. That interest and passion will translate to the blog and carry over to the readers. Don’t blog about stuff because someone tells you to blog about it. Further, don’t not blog about something because someone tells you not to.

(And can we just pause for a moment and talk about what a wretched turd-yawn of a word “blog” is? Why has nobody come up with a better word yet? Seriously? Internet, come together in this. Get down in the comments and come up with new words for “blogging,” yeah?)

You might be saying, “But that won’t garner me audience. If I’m a writer of science-fiction who blogs about knitting, that doesn’t build my platform. I should be blogging about science-fiction!”

No, you should be writing science-fiction. Blog about if only if you get jazzed about doing so. See, here’s the thing. A blog audience is not automatically your creative audience. Some crossover exists, but consider: 70,000 people visited this blog last month, but I did not sell 70,000 copies of any of my books. Did I sell 10%, or 7,000 copies, then? Mmmmnope. More like “less than one percent.”

And I’m happy with that, for the record.

All blogging is just squawking into the void. It’s free. It’s a soapbox on which you stand and bark your brain-think into the world. Be yourself. Talk about what you want to talk about. Authenticity and interest will garner readers well beyond plopping out rote, formulaic posts because they are somehow “expected.”

Truth is, since most people have multiple things that enflame their mental loins, you don’t have to worry about having One Kind Of Blog. “This is my blog devoted to knitting vagina cozies” is far less interesting to me than, “this is my blog devoted to the shit that comes out of my head which you may or may not appreciate because as it turns out I’m a complete and complicated human.”

(That again gets to the heart of Lamb’s post.)

Blog in a way that appeases you first. Otherwise, the blog is just a daily lump of stress.

Rule Two: Don’t Be A Dick

When you blog, don’t be a dick. See also:

Don’t be: an asshole, an ass-hat, a shithead, a fuckface, a scum-gargling cock-waffle, a jerk, a jerkoff, a jerk-faced jerkopolis, a douche, a douche-swab, douche-nozzle, double-douche, a doucheologist, a crap-faced stinky-butt, a bully, a prick, a sonofabitch, a bastard, a sonofabastard, a brat, a big ol’ meanie, a pig, a racist, a sexist, any anything-ist, a Nazi, a homophobe, a homophone, a homonym, a homo sapiens…

… ooh, I think I got off the rails there.

Point is, don’t be a dick.

Be tactful about things. Try to be nice. You don’t need to be funny — just don’t be dour and mean. Approach your audience with respect by not flinging boiling urine in their eyes when they come to read your work.

A slight tweak on this: you can be a bit of an asshole (Sweet Sally Struthers, I sure am) provided you do so with self-deprecation and humor in equal measure. I think. Then again, I might be wrong about that. There might exist a secret room of Wendig Haters out there plotting my demise. I’ll just don my tinfoil hat here to block out their hateful frequency, and we’re all good.

Rule Three: No Rule Three Exists, Please Turn Around And Go Home

You’re saying, that’s it?

Two goddamn rules?

Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.

And you’re saying, “But, this is about blogging for writers. Surely you have some specific information that will help them be better writer-blogger hybrid creatures?”

Ehhh. Well, sure. I have some caveats and corollaries. I try to avoid negativity. I don’t recommend writers be reviewers all that often. Blog as part of a community, not separate from it. You can use your blog as a self-promo tool provided that’s only a fraction of your content. Blog often to establish readership routine. Make a blog that’s appealing to the eyes. Own your blog and your domain (remember when Blogger shit the bed a month or two back? Yeah, seriously, own your stuff).

I don’t consider these hard-and-fast rules so much as they are suggestions, though. The only rules are the two noted above: blog how you want to blog, as long as you’re not a big honking dickhead about it.

Q&FuckinA

I don’t know why you’d have any specific questions about terribleminds, but I’m happy to answer them if you do. Same goes for suggestions you may have — the site can and should be improved from time to time (and soon as I have some, HAHAHAHA, time, I plan on attacking a laundry list of challenges here at the Ol’ Bloggery-Hut). Got something to say or ask about the site or its content? Do so with my blessing.

June 9, 2011 / 25 Comments

Blinking Neon: Thursday Vacancy

I’ve decided that, whenever possible, I’m going to take Thursdays off.

I know what you’re saying:

“Buh-buh-buh! But I am addicted to terribleminds. Every day I come here, I nibble open an artery with my bitey teeth, and I jack your sweet-ass motherfucking bloggery straight into my main vein.”

To which I respond: “Main vein is a euphemism for a penis.”

And you say: “I knew that.”

And I’m all like, “I bet you didn’t.”

And you’re like, “Nuh-uh!” And then you spit up on yourself and poop your pants.

No, no, wait, that’s my newborn son. Which is part of why I’m taking some Thursdays off. Except, here’s the thing: I won’t leave you with a vacancy of content. I just can’t do that. I won’t do that to you. I’m not that cruel. My swollen deception-filled ego reminds me with whispered lies that without your daily dose of terribleminds, you will perish from grief. Your heart will be torn asunder like a notebook page ripped in half by angry pinching fingers. (Just shut up and let me pretend, goddamnit.)

I am thus opening up Thursdays to others, should they choose to fill its space. I’ve got a couple of great guest blogs that still need to go up, so you can look for those on upcoming Thursdays.

But I’ll take more. I’d love posts from other storytellers, creative types, writers, what-have-you. I don’t necessarily believe that posts can or should always be about writing, though certainly that’s a fine theme if you feel you’ve got something to bring to the table. Really, though, the floor is yours, the forum is open.

I can’t offer much by way of payment, and though this site does get a fair share of looky-loos these days, I don’t how how meaningful “exposure” is.

I will say you’re free to cross-post.

You can definitely use the post to pimp your work.

And if you don’t already have it, I’ll toss you a copy of IRREGULAR CREATURES or CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY in whatever e-book format you desire.

Also: if you’re not down with a guest post, feel free on offering yourself up on the altar of sacr… I mean, the altar of interviewing. I’d love to interview some smart storytellin’ folks about all kinds of shit.

On those days I don’t have a guest post, I’ll still charge in here and fill the void with my ceaseless jabbering and meandering waffle. Worry not, sad-faced sproglings.

So, if you’re in, well, you have to let me know. Drop a note in the comments or hit me up in the contact form. Don’t be shy. Creators gotta create, gotta put themselves out there. Invite yourselves. Be bold. Proactive. Waggle your genitals at the world and say, “Gaze upon my magnificence.”

(A caveat: I’m not going to automatically publish whatever comes across my doorstep. I need to know what kind of guest post you want to write, and why I should give it space.)

This is an experiment, so let’s see how it goes.

May 20, 2011 / 37 Comments

Confessions Of A Freelance Penmonkey: Now Available

“No seriously, he’s not fucking around, you really don’t want to be a writer. But if you’re mad enough to decide that you do, Wendig will be your gonzo-esque guide, from the technical advice about structure, query letters and submissions, to dealing with agents and editors and how to make your characters do as they’re damn well told, he’s full of good advice. Like a cursing, booze-soaked Virgil to your Dante, let him show you around. Buy this book, your editor will thank you.”

— Jenni Hill, Editor, Solaris Books

Dear Word-Herders and Ink-Slingers: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY is now available for your eyeholes and e-readers across multiple platforms.

Let’s get this part out of the way, right now. Here, then, are your options for procurement:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($4.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

If you’re on the fence, I give you five reasons to nab this book.

1. “I’m Here, Aren’t I?”

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY is the distillation of writing advice found here at terribleminds — so, I’m going to ahead and safely assume that you dig this site which should also mean you’re doing to dig this book. CONFESSIONS features 50+ essays taken from the pages of this blog. Each essay is polished up and revamped, given a new coat of paint and in some cases, additional content. Further, each essay is also accompanied by “commentary” from yours truly, in which I add additional thoughts, change my mind about things, argue with myself, or ruminate on the value of statements like “rage-fuck a pumpkin.” Finally, the book offers other snidbits, including a “20 Questions” session with yours truly, in which I answer questions put forth by you most excellent readers.

2. “By The Power Of Grayskull That’s A Lot Of Bang For My Buck!”

The book features over 100,000 words of content. The PDF is over 300 pages. You get a mega-ultra-shit-ton of content that covers topics like: writing query letters, editing, rewriting, outlining, applying structure, waking up pantsless and ink-stained in Tijuana, utilizing theme, writing sex scenes, handling rejections, penning a good ending for your story, and so on. Further, it goes beyond advice on writing and publishing and offers issues that pop up like incontinent gophers during the writer’s life (should you write for free, should you self-publish, how to manage the hornet’s nest of crazy inside your crazy writer brain).

All for just shy of five bucks.

Now, you might be saying: “Chuck, I would like that book to be cheaper.” To which I respond, “I am very sorry, but it is not cheaper. I would also like a clockwork llama, but times are tough.”

My hope is that you do not consider five bucks a too-expensive price. Many things of ephemeral value cost more than this: a Starbucks drink, a fast food meal, a bag of candy, a “handie” from one of the callus-handed hobos down at the park. All things that are over and done in a matter of minutes. This book should last you…

*does some quick math using a pile of M&Ms*

…at least 17 years. Give or take 16 years.

That’s a pretty sweet deal.

3. “I Trust What These Other Awesome Humans Have To Say.”

Check it out. Some really cool people have said some really cool things. Don’t you like these cool people? You do want to be cool, don’t you? I’m just saying — they’re all ‘doing it.’

“Chuck Wendig has done what so many authors desperately need and will never admit: offered a phenomenal book about the real world of writing, and made it reachable and readable by anyone. His terribleminds blog guided me through good days and bad, provided advice and much-appreciated laughter throughout the whole, often painful, process. I’m thrilled to have his brain trapped in Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, and I’ll be referring to the squishy gray-matter of his brilliance often.

If it weren’t for Chuck Wendig’s advice, I’d have fallen off the writing map long ago. This is the book you want stapled to your chest when you march into the battle of authorship! An absolute must-read for anyone even thinking of dabbling with words for a living.”

— Karina Cooper, Author of Blood of the Wicked

“Chuck Wendig’s Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey is full of the kind of writing advice I wish I’d gotten in school. Practical, brutally honest, and done with the kind of humor that will make it stick in your brain. Whether you’re a veteran writer or new to the craft, you’ll find something useful in here.

Plus he says ‘fuck’ a lot, so, you know, there’s that.”

— Stephen Blackmoore, author of City of the Lost

“In Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, Chuck Wendig hammers out writing and career advice that’s always brave, profane, creative, clever, and honest. And don’t forget hilarious. You’ll never laugh so hard learning so much.”

— Matt Forbeck, game designer and author of Vegas Knights

“These days, a kind word is regarded with suspicion. A supportive gesture is mistrusted. An altruistic move never is. We live in a time where cynics ignore the saccharine of Chicken Soup books and accept hugs only from Mother, and only when we’re drunk and crying. When a writer hits cynical, drunken, mother-hugging rock bottom, that’s when they need Chuck Wendig’s raw, no-holds barred advice. This is not for the faint of heart. But then again, neither is writing.”

— Mur Lafferty, host of ISBW (I Should Be Writing) podcast, editor of Escape Pod, author of Playing For Keeps

“Despite being irreverent, vulgar, and funny, Chuck Wendig is also surprisingly profound. From one wordslinger about another, Chuck is the real deal and every prospective or working writer should read Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey. Hell, the ‘Writer’s Prayer’ alone is worth the price of admission.”

— Jennifer Brozek, Author of The Little Finance Book That Could

“About the only thing harder than being a writer is trying to capture the utter insanity that truly is the writer’s life. In Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, Chuck Wendig does just that. You’ll be laughing, crying, shouting and grimacing, but most of all, you’ll feel the deep resonance of hearing the truth in all of its sarcastic, profane and comedic glory. If you want to be a better writer, or just want to be inspired by one of the best takes on writing I’ve ever read, do yourself a favor and buy Confessions.”

— Daniel Ames, author of Feasting at the Table of the Damned

4. “I Love Terribleminds So Much, I Want To Make It Rain With One-Dollar Bills!”

You may be saying, “Well, fuckadang, Wendig, I come here every day and have been for the last two years, and every one of those days you have some fresh content that costs me naught but me checking my shame at the door — oh, and occasionally wrestling with the corporate cyber-Dobermans that prevent NSFW content from getting through to my goddamn computer — and here I am with the chance to get a sexy e-book version of your most popular writing advice posts here and so I do believe I must take you up on that offer. Besides, since I’m a writer-type, this is a tax deductible purchase for me, isn’t it? So, here you go, boy. Shake that booty can. Let me crumble up these five one-dollar bills into little origami boulders and pitch them at your gyrating banana hammock. Yeah. Nngh. Shake that fountain pen, bitch.”

5. “Because Wendig’s An Asshole And He Wants Me To Feel Guilty.”

In a few weeks my wife is — fingers crossed — going to, ahem, “accept a baby delivery from a jaunty stork wearing a postman’s uniform” (that’s how it works, right? I feel asleep during the videos I was supposed to watch), which means before too long I’m going to be responsible for feeding and clothing a whole other human besides myself. I can barely change my own diapers. If you don’t buy CONFESSIONS, then that baby will starve. That’s just how it is. You’re not going to say no to a cute little baby, are you? The cute little baby needs nom-noms. You can help put nom-noms on the baby’s plate. (And also, only you can stop forest fires, but that’s a different “guilt axis”). So, I’m left to believe that if you’re here reading all this delicious content but don’t want to pay anything toward it, then your only goal in life is to passively harm infants. That’s not cool, man. Not cool. (Okay, I’m just kidding. No guilt. I’ll just feed the kid leaves and squirrel meat.)

Will It Ever Be In Print?

Ennnh? I dunno. Right now, it’s e-book only. I might noodle around with Lulu or Createspace, or I’m alternately considering doing a real intense version that also features some of my writing-related photography. If anybody has opinions on this or information geared toward this subject, note that my ears are tilted toward you. I am eager to accept your frequency. Which is not a euphemism: please stop fiddling with the zipper on your pants.

What If I Don’t Want To Give Money To The Man?

Just to clarify, I am a man, but not the man.

And by “the” man, I assume you mean Amazon, or Barnes & Noble.

You can procure the PDF directly from me, as noted above.

Hell, if you want, I’ll even digitally autograph it. Just be sure to let me know when ordering!

If you buy PDF, note the process is: PayPal sends me an email usually within an hour (often much more quickly), and when I get it, I bounce you the PDF directly via email. No DRM or anything nutty.

I choose no DRM on all my e-books. Thus, if you’re so inclined to pirate, well, I can’t stop you.

What Else Can I Do?

Let’s see.

a) I’ll give out review copies where appropriate. Hit me up using the Contact Form.

b) A review somewhere — Amazon, B&N, GoodReads — would be lovely. I would of course love a positive review, but hey, I’m not the little man that pilots you. That’s on him.

c) I am of course available for interviews. Or guest-embloggenation. Or whatever you need. I will be your dancing monkey. I say “ook-ook.” I clap my cymbals together. For you. For you. Also, if you want to use the book in any kind of contest, bounce me a message, we can make that happen.

d) Above all else, just spread the word. Get on the Brainbook, the Twizzers, the Goblin Signal, whatever social media you frequent, and please tell them about this book. You would have my ultimate gratitude. I will send you imaginary cupcakes. Psychically. To your mind oven.

What Comes After This?

If this books sells well (by which it meets some vague uncertain metric of “earning out” — let’s say it earns me about five grand when all is said and done), then I’ll do another book of writing advice. Well, two, actually — another gathering of terribleminds posts, yes, but also, an original book about writing. Something a little more specific — like, say, the life-cycle of the novel.

Buy Today, Save A Kitten From Orbital Lasers

In a perfect world, a whole meth-addled flock of terribleminds readers will hurry out and snap up digital copies of CONFESSIONS at an unprecedented rate, thus giving my first-day sales a lightning bolt right up the colonic passage. Amazon and B&N’s servers will shit themselves and take out a couple city blocks. My book will be catapulted to the top of the charts, where it will be tongue-bathed by temple whores.

If you help to make that happen, then my many thanks.

Alternately, if you do any of the above things, including spreading the word, then also: big thanks.

This book wouldn’t be possible without the many daily readers of this website, and the fact you come back here day in and day out and help to bloat my already egregious ego is honestly very cool.

You’re all nice folks.

Thanks again, and if you buy the book, please to enjoy.

May 11, 2011 / 45 Comments

Confessions Of A Freelance Penmonkey

Coming Soon:

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY.

A big fat book of essays about writing, freelancing, and storytelling found originally here at terribleminds. Over 50 essays, all revised, all featuring new content in the form of addenda / commentary / random thoughts / additional profanity / poopy handprints on the walls of my plexiglass enclosure.

It’ll be popping up on Kindle… well, let’s just aim for “in the next two weeks,” as I have some of the additional materials to finish. Further, it’ll be available as PDF directly through terribleminds.

I’d also like to get it on the Nook. Taking advice on that should anybody have it: I found the process to get to ePub and the B&N store a not-entirely-pleasant one, and will accept any and all tips.

At present, I’ve no plans for a print version, but I’ll take opinions on that, too.

Smashwords I’m thinking can, I dunno, go suck an egg.

That lovely cover is done by the inimitable Amy Houser (her website here). Amy also did the cover for IRREGULAR CREATURES, a cover which still makes me squee with delight. We had a different cover initially, which I still love (maybe Amy will give me permission to show it to you), involving a froth-mouthed monkey about to throw a typewriter at your head. But this design she did feels like it really popped and contained a lot of the little nibbly bits that go into the writing life (chief amongst them: weeping, booze, coffee). Plus, c’mon: a sugar skull monkey? With a beard? This totally sucks unicorn.

Anyway. Keep your grapes peeled, word-nerds, inkslingers, and penmonkeys.

You’ve been asking for this book. So buckle up, here it comes.

#BTFO.