Tag: terribleminds (page 2 of 4)

Terribleminds-Related Shiznit

October 14, 2011 / 14 Comments

Shotgun Gravy: Now Available

“Sometimes she wakes up at night, smelling that gunpowder smell. Ears ringing. A whimpering there in the darkness. Doesn’t always hit her at night, either. Might be in the middle of the day. She should be smelling pizza, or garbage, or cat shit wafting from the house next door, but instead what she smells is that acrid tang of gunsmoke. All up in her nose. Clinging there like a tick…”

So begins the tale of Atlanta Burns, a young girl with a grim past lingering at the fringes of her droll and dreary high school existence. She’s content to remain there, too, or so she thinks: soon, however, she’s drawn in a battle against two separate groups of bullies – a trio of local troublemakers and a group of Neo-Nazi gay bashers – to save a pair of new and unexpected friends.

But actions have consequences, and by fighting back, Atlanta discovers she’s kicked over a log, thus revealing what hides squirming underneath.

It’s just her, her friends, and a .410 squirrel gun against a handful of bullies and a conspiracy whose worst aspects remain yet hidden.

Can she triumph?

Will her victory be paid in unseen sacrifices?

Or is fighting back just asking for a face full of bad news?

(This is novella #1, a complete tale in and of itself. But Atlanta’s story will continue in #2, BAIT DOG.)

Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: [Available Later Today, I Hope]

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

What Awesome Humans Have To Say

“SHOTGUN GRAVY is like VERONICA MARS on Adderall. Atlanta Burns is a troubled teenage girl who’s scared, angry, and not taking shit from anybody. Chuck Wendig knocks this one out of the park as he so often does.” – Stephen Blackmoore, author of CITY OF THE LOST and DEAD THINGS

“Give Nancy Drew a shotgun and a kick-ass attitude and you get Atlanta Burns. Packed with action and fascinating characters, SHOTGUN GRAVY is a story that will captivate both teens and adults and have them clamoring for the next installment.” – Joelle Charbonneau, author of SKATING OVER THE LINE

Author Notes

First things first, I suppose what I should say up front is that Atlanta Burns, “The Get-Shit-Done Girl,” will be back in BAIT DOG, the second novella in the series.

From there is goes to novella #3, BULLY PULPIT.

And after that, novella #4, HARUM SCARUM.

(Those names may change depending on how the wind blows.)

Which means this is probably a good time to explain what’s going on with these stories.

I’m approaching these novellas a bit like television storytelling in that it’s both episodic and serialized at the same time. Look at a show like Burn Notice, you’ll see what I mean – Burn Notice offers a new story every episode wherein the protagonist helps someone solve a problem. At the same time, each episode also advances a larger season-long plot and moves the characters forward a little bit (though never too much, as television thrives on characters that change little, if at all).

I thought it might be fun to try to emulate the shorter-form of television on the printed (er, “e-printed”) page while still building toward a larger story in a serialized way.

So, this is the first novella in the series of four (probably), and when they’re all said and done, they’ll add up to the equivalent of a really big novel in size. Then, provided this whole series doesn’t suck donkey taint and you fine, fine readers keep on reading and liking them, I’ll move onto a second series (which, I assume, will also contain four more novellas).

That’s the drill. I’ll release each one… well, I don’t know when. One every couple-few months, I figure. Unless of course these books just aren’t selling, at which point I’ll go cry in the bubble bath and then move onto something bigger and brighter. (If I can’t sell 500 of this one, for instance, the next one isn’t a lock.)

Now, to another question: is this book really YA, or Young Adult?

I don’t know.

I didn’t necessarily intend to write YA, but here I am, writing a book about a teen girl dealing with teen issues: rape and violence and bullying and sexual identity and all that stuff. Being a teen is just plain shitty. Everyone tells you that it’s the best time of your life but it’s not—

–it’s one of the weirdest, and admittedly offers some major highs… and some staggering lows. (For my money, the years after high school were the best.)

As such, I guess this counts as YA (or YA-flavored crime, or crime-flavored YA). It’s noir. Noir-esque. Quasi-noir. I don’t even know what noir is anymore, honestly. It has a passel of bad words and ugly thoughts, of course, though let’s not be naïve and pretend that teens don’t use naughty swear words or do bad things. I think I did all my worst stuff when I was a teen. That’s the nature of being young.

Anyway. Hope to see you all back for BAIT DOG (which is largely complete but needs a good polish), maybe in a couple-few months. Thanks for picking this one up, and if you feel so inclined to tell a friend about it or leave a review, you can be sure I’d appreciate that.

We writers can only survive through the support of caring readers, after all.

September 8, 2011 / 28 Comments

Refining The Interrogation Procedures Here At Terribleminds

You’ve seen the Thursday interviews, yeah?

Well, we’re gonna do more.

I’ve already got a couple lined up, but — but!

Your help is requested.

Here’s how the interview process works. I ask a pre-established set of questions and then, from those answers I ask some follow-ups specific to each author. What I want to know from you is:

What other questions do you want me to ask? Anything in particular?

Second thing I need: who do you want me to interview? Suggest some people. Sweet Jeebus only knows if they’ll answer my plea to be strapped into a chair and have electrodes strapped to their temples, teats, and fiddly bits, but you don’t get anywhere by not asking for things. Who should I approach for said interviews? Shoot me some names. Not just novelists, but writers and storytellers of all stripes.

Alternately, if you’re an accomplished storyteller and you want an interview here, speak up.

September 5, 2011 / 18 Comments

Revenge Of The Penmonkey: Now Available

Borne on the back of a galloping hell-pony, carried in the satchel of a certified inkslinger, I give you:

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY.

A mere $2.99.

Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

…

Be advised: I sell the PDF through Paypal. I’ll send you the e-book directly via email after you purchase: generally speaking, you will receive the file within an hour of purchase. But sometimes Paypal mysteriously delays alerting me, or something I’m asleep (like, say, if you order the book at midnight EST).

Just to be safe, I’ll say that you will receive the file within 12 hours of ordering.

Though again, that’s an extreme case.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

What’s In The Book?

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY is another collection of essays and articles ripped from the, erm, “pages” of this blog right here. It features 30 such essays, including but not limited to:

“Beware Of Writer II”

“How To Tell If You’re A Writer”

“How To Jumpstart A Stalled Novel”

“Panster Versus Plotter”

“Six Signs You’re Not Ready To Be A Professional Writer”

“Why Writers Drink”

“Word-Karate: On Writing Action Scenes”

“Writers Should Be Motherfucking Rock Stars”

“Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag of Dicks”

The book tackles self-publishing, freelance writing, story architecture, action scenes, and overall casts an unblinking eye at the insane-yet-delightful existence of the Average Everyday Penmonkey.

Original Content!

The book features 70,000 words of delicious fatty mind-meat material, but some of that material is brand spankin’ new. The book features a new 10,000 word “introduction” (“True Confessions Of A Freelance Penmonkey”) which talks about my life and the lessons I’ve learned about writing along the way. It features stories of crashed vans, strap-on dildos, shit-shooting, college sex, Yukon Jack, and gunshot wounds.

Some essays also receive postscript commentary where appropriate. Talking about general fan response or adding clarification. Noodling my own Devil’s advocacy. And so forth.

The book also has another 20+ Questions appendix in which I answer questions put forth by You Crazy Humans Of The Internet. I answer questions about project management, writing goals, fatherhood, Disney princesses, and ketchup. This is riveting shit. It will blow your mind out the back of your head so hard, it shall kill whoever is standing behind you. So don’t read it in a bank line.

Finally, the book also gets a brand new writer’s prayer: The Inkslinger’s Invocation.

Promotion!

First week promotion:

If you buy REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY between now and the close of Tuesday, September 13th, I will toss you a free PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING.

If you procure ROTPM via PDF through me, I will send you 250 THINGS automatically.

If you procure ROTPM via Amazon or B&N, you will need to email me proof of your purchase to: terribleminds at gmail dot com. I will then send you 250 THINGS.

Still not convinced to buy?

This Is How I Finance Terribleminds

Over the last year, maintaining this website has become a little more cost intensive: quite seriously and without trying to brag (though, I gotta brag a little), the visits to this blog have gone through the roof over the last six months. That means I’ve had to push this site to one of the more expensive hosting plans just to keep it from springing leaks and to keep my host from quietly drowning terribleminds in a toilet.

Further, my time has become even more premium with the birth of Der Wendigspawn, “B-Dub The Magnificent, Diminutive Dictator And Emperor Of Pennsyltucky.” As such, it gets harder and harder to provide robust content here as often as I do — so, again, having that financial core to the site via my writing-related e-books helps keep the whole boat afloat.

I’m not saying you should feel obliged or guilty anything. I’m just saying, if you don’t buy it, it’s going to be another tear-stained pillow night. And my son will suffer from scurvy because I cannot afford orange juice.

“I Want To Commit Further Sins In Your Name”

You wanna do more? Spread the word, for one. Even if you’re not procuring the book, then putting it on the radar of someone who might is a good thing and to that I’d say, thank you.

Also: leave reviews. Amazon, B&N, Goodreads. If you love the book, tell the world. If you hate the book, tell your houseplants and quietly swallow your burgeoning rage until a thrombosis forms in your veins.

For any and all of your help, I say: thank you.

“I Want Even More Free Shit, Wendig”

And so, I give you three wallpapers. Let me know if you can download them okay. You should be able to just click the image and download the size you so desire (up to 1600 x 1200).

(The Penmonkey sigil by Amy Houser. Cover and wallpaper design by yours truly.)

WRITE BIG AND WRITE BOLD

DONE FUCKING AROUND

F.U.

August 22, 2011 / 19 Comments

Please Accept These Penmonkey Announcements

Announcements incoming. Please assume the “announcement acceptance position,” which is bent over at the waist, head between your knees, fingers and thumbs gently milking your nipples while you hum.

Excitement Over The Incitement

The current count of the PENMONKEY INCITEMENT PROGRAM jumped to 238/1000.

As you may know, that means some incitement achievements have been — ding! — unlocked.

Because at 200, I will send out:

A postcard.

A t-shirt.

And someone gets an edit of their fiction.

I will pick these names tomorrow. As always, I will note that if you want in on the Incitement Program, you have to have to have to email me proof of your purchase of COAFPM.

You can email me at terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com.

That said, if you procured the PDF version… then I already have your name and address.

If you need more details on the Incitement Program (including how to win a free Kindle), then here you go.

I will pick the next batch of ~~victims~~ winners tomorrow morning. You will find those winners in the comment section of this post and edited into the post itself. So keep your grapes peeled.

EDIT:

Drum roll please. The winners?

THE PENMONKEY EDIT: Nick Olivo!

THE T-SHIRT: Michael Rasmussen!

THE POSTCARD: Shannon Sofian!

I’ll be contacting each of you in turn!

Free Copy Of 250 Things

You’ve got till the close of Monday (i.e. went the clock strikes midnight on Tuesday, Eastern Standard Time) to get in on the other COAFPM promotion, which is, if you buy a copy of COAFPM and tell me about it, I’ll send you a free PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. As above, if you bought the PDF, you don’t need to do anything, but Amazon/B&N means you need to email me your proof-of-sale to terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com.

Diggit?

Duggit?

Good!

The Infection Rate

I don’t know if you like hearing about sales numbers or not, but here goes.

COAFPM is at 566 sales. 250 THINGS just hit 900 sales. And IRREGULAR CREATURES is at 744 sales.

If you’re in the group of those who have been, erm, infected by my e-books, then I graciously clink my glass against yours and grab the back of your head and press our foreheads together like we’re two old drunken Irish cops who just lost our third brother in the force to a borked drug bust. We breathe loudly through our noses, then part, then slam a shot, then curse the mayor’s office for not giving the dept the support it needs.

Or something.

I could, however, use a little more from you, if you’re willing to lend an ear.

First, I am always pleased when you tell other people: HEY YOU THIS IS NEAT STUFF. And then you hold them down and inject the Wendigo Virus (v3.0) into their asscheek.

Second, those three e-books of mine could always use more reviews at Amazon from you fine, fine people. Hell, you wanna leave a one-star review, leave one like “Linda” did for 250 THINGS:

“If this author actually had anything helpful to say, it was impossible to find. The book is a conglomeration of abusive statements, excessive swearing, arrogant side-tracking and blatant lack of any sense of how to communicate ideas. Definitely not worth the 99 cents, and since I cannot get a refund, I am hoping this review will save others their hard earned money.”

From her perspective, that’s a bad review. But hey, you ask me, it sells the book. Excessive swearing? Abusive statements? Arrogance? Lack of sense? Sold, lady. Sold.

SFX

Thanks to mighty mate Aaron Dembski-Bowden, COAFPM gets a mention in this month’s SFX Magazine (thanks too to Jason Arnopp for pointing this out). I hope to pin down both of these gentleman (get your mind out of the gutter) and force them both to submit to an interview here soon.

I also may have my own little interview in SFX soon. More on that as I know it.

The Bloggery Beseechment Initiative

Worth asking again: what do you want to see here at the blog? What topics do you want covered, writing and non-writing alike? What works? What doesn’t? Be bold, be honest. Speak your mind.

Are you liking the Thursday interviews and guest posts? I think I’m actually going to close up shop on the guest posts and stick only to interviews, but I’m accepting your thoughts into that matter.

Further, if you’re an accomplished storyteller of some ilk who would like to submit to terribleminds for “processing” — er, I mean, an interview — please hit me up soon as you’d like. I’m gearing up toward getting the next batch of interviews together, so get in while the getting’s good.

Finally, A Tease

…coming soon.

August 3, 2011 / 163 Comments

The Big Five Triple-Oh

Somehow, I ended up with 5,000 Twitter followers.

Frankly, if you were to ask me, I’d say that following me is a sign of dubious moral standing and, most likely, an indicator of a brain parasite. You might wanna have that checked out by a priest and/or doctor.

Whatever the case, it is what it is and there you all are and I’m thankful to have you turning an ear toward my lunatic broadcasting. I appreciate you dialing into my penmonkey frequency.

This feels like a good time to give some shit away.

So, here’s what’s on the table:

(1) copy of Irregular Creatures in PDF or Kindle.

(1) copy of Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey in PDF or Kindle.

(1) copy of 250 Things You Should Know About Writing in PDF or Kindle.

(1) Penmonkey postcard sent to you via Jolly Olde Snail Mail, and on this postcard I will ink a random thought about writing all for you. I might also pass out on the postcard and smear it with drool.

Here, then, is how you get that.

Drop down into the comments.

Write a story using three sentences.

My favorite gets the package.

You have one day — I’ll check back here at 2pm EST tomorrow (24 hours from now) and will pick.

And thank you again, awesome humans. You tickle this little inkslinger’s pink parts.

Go forth and write boldly.

[EDIT: See comments for results!]

July 31, 2011 / 48 Comments

The Terribleminds Disclaimer

Last week, you may have seen a little post of mine called, “Turning Writers Into Motherfucking Rock Stars.” The notion behind the post was, hey, you know what will save publishing? If writers start acting like petulant rock stars, replete with destroyed motel rooms, phatty cribs, and kitten-eating.

The post went viral. The blog mentions Neil Gaiman and was in turn retweeted by Neil Gaiman, which was awesome in all senses of the word. I watched my page count spike like the heart rate of a guy who just chewed up a bag of meth crystals like they were Cheerios. I was waiting for the fabled #neilwebfail, wherein he turns his gaze toward your website and followers pour out of the woodwork and the website tries to lurch forward but instead collapses from a deep vein thrombosis and needs to take an hour-long dirt-nap just to cool off. Thankfully, this old gal held steady and stayed on course despite the battering of many Internet waves, and came out stronger for it (and, of course, I appreciate the retweet by Mister Gaiman and all others who shared the love). The post seemed to get a lot of good attention and lots of folks thought it was fun.

Because it was a joke.

Of course it was a joke.

When I said:

Rock stars get the ‘concept album.’ We should be able to have the ‘concept novel.’ “This novel’s not just a bunch of words, man. All the chapters form together into a single story. Yeah. It’s pretty revolutionary.”

…I was not actually suggesting the creation of a concept novel where the chapters form a single story. That’s what a novel already is. It’s not revolutionary. That’s the joke. Maybe not a funny joke. That’s between you and your own personal flavor of Jesus. But I would’ve thought that its status as tongue-in-cheekiness, as satire, as me-just-making-shit-up-to-attempt-to-be-funny was as clear as the pealing of a bell if the bell were ringing inside the bone cavern of your own skull.

But then I saw a whole lot of folks taking my post seriously. And arguing against it. As if I had attempted to make a serious point, as if I were really saying, “You know what we need, we don’t need good books, we need more Snooki.” *rad guitar lick*

On Metafilter, on Twitter, on Fark, I saw a surprising handful of comments that actually took my bullshit seriously. For a moment, I wondered: did humor die? Assassinated by a lone gunman? Was irony shot in the face on a hunting trip, left to bleed out in a ditch? Was I not obvious enough? Did I need to pepper my post with a dozen smiley faces? Should I have drawn a bunch of hastily-scrawled dicks across my post, the dicks jizzing little pee-pee bullets from the ink-smeared tips?

The thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. I write at least five blog posts a week, which even I consider to be marginally insane, and once in a while one of those posts really catches fire and draws attention. Inevitably, whenever this happens, I get a round of people — commenters, e-mailers, Redditors, what-have-you — that end up taking the post way too seriously.

So, it seems high-time for a disclaimer.

I am full of shit.

I’m usually just fucking around.

I just make stuff up.

I do it to be funny. I do it to yell at my 18-year-old self. I do it to yell at dilettante writers. I do it because I’m happy, sad, cranky, churlish, cantankerous, or drunk.

I often say things, then change my mind.

I contradict things I said a year ago, a month ago, ten minutes ago.

I curse like a motherfucker. My father cursed. My mother cursed. It is in me.

I often adopt the tone of a coked-up penmonkey drill sergeant.

Am I really like this? Ehhh, sometimes.

I’m certainly blowhardy and buffoonish, but here at the site I definitely crank the volume. Most people who meet me find that I’m ultimately more serious when traversing the physical plane of reality.

What I’m trying to say is —

Do not take me too seriously.

If you find value in the things I say, whether it’s as a laugh or as a snidbit of writing advice you feel like you can adopt and take to the bank, then I am aglow with pleasure, the cilia and spore-pods that comprise my beard twitching and writhing in blog-addled bliss. If you find no value in what I say, then I’m not mad at that. Don’t like that I curse? Don’t like my dubious writing advice? Can’t see past the self-deprecating tongue-in-cheek ‘tude? Feel like I’m insulting you? Then be on your merry way. And I don’t say that with anger. I don’t say that like, “Then get the fuck off my lawn, you damn dissenters! Take your disagreeable turd-cutters elsewhere!” I mean to suggest that it’s okay. Don’t hang around here if what I say bothers you. Life’s too short to let me bludgeon you over the head with my blog-hammer, my word-cudgel.

Do I sometimes try to be serious? Sure. Do I take writing seriously? You betcher sweet swirly nipples I do. I take writing and storytelling — art, craft, and business — quite seriously. And I do like serious discussion and I do enjoy real communication and conversation. But nine times out of ten, my posts shouldn’t be enough to get you riled up. I don’t want to get you riled up. It’s not worth your time or mine.

So, that’s it. That’s my disclaimer. I’m just over here squawking into the void. I’ve said this in the past but my goal here is first to enlighten. When that fails, it is to entertain. And when that fails, it’s to dazzle you with creative profanity so you at least feel like you got something out of the whole experience.

(“Cock-waffle.” “Vag-badger.” “Fucksluice.”)

(See? SEE?)

I want you to enjoy your time here and maybe learn something. I know I learn something every time I post about writing because it’s me sorting out the sticks and pebbles of my own brain.

If you’re not enjoying it, if you’re not learning it, then don’t sweat it. Relax. Take a deep breathe. Pulverize some Lorazepam in a mortar and pestle and stir it around your Tang then take a big ol’ hefty drink.

Because, really, I’m probably not as serious as you think I am.

End of disclaimer.

Have a nice day.

*insert smiley face and marker-drawn dick-and-balls*