The Penmonkey Incitement

Wow. THE PENMONKEY INCITEMENT sounds like a lost Robert Ludlum novel.

Never mind.

I would like to sell more copies of CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY.

I have, at this exact moment, sold 328 copies over the last six weeks.

For the record, I’m not unhappy with that number. It actually makes me giddy. I see that number, I do a little dance. In my pants. Hah, just kidding, I don’t wear your oppressive Earth pants. PENMONKEY is actually poised to out-earn IRREGULAR CREATURES despite the latter being on sale since January and having sold twice as many copies. So, hey: thumbs up.

Even still, I want more copies of PENMONKEY in the world.

I seek nothing short of total dominance of the “writing advice” market, where me and my hunter-killer robots storm across the barren wasteland of the publishing industry, eradicating bad writing left and right with our laser beams and pinching claws. I want a throne built of slushy manuscripts and lined with the teeth of those writers who had sense knocked into them (and molars knocked out of them) by my book.

I also want a Lamborghini. I mean, c’mon. I had the poster as a kid. Lamborghini. Hot bikini chick. Maybe a python or some shit. And I suspect that my little bloggery-book on writing advice is the way toward such fame and fortune. And toward a chick with a constrictor snake inside a hot late 80’s sports car.

Okay, I kid. But I would still like to get more PENMONKEY out there, regardless of my lack of Lamborghinis or doom-bots. Right? Right.

To do so, I thought, okay, maybe an incentive program. Maybe, if I don’t sell 100 copies every week, I would do something horrible. “You don’t buy my book, I’ll shoot this unicorn.”

Except then I figured, ohh, ohhh, nobody’s going to buy the book because everybody’s going to want to see the unicorn shooting. And they’re going to wanna see how I dispose of all those unicorn carcasses.

So, I went back to the wise words of my Kung Fu mentor, Wily Cheung Dragon, who said:

“Be a fountain, not a drain.”

Which, it turns out, was just advice on how to pee, but hell with him, he was old and smelled like wet dog.

Point is, incentives should be positive.

So, here then, are the incentives for CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY. Ready?

Every 50 Copies Sold: Did Somebody Say “Postcard?”

I sell 50 copies, I will mail you a postcard. In the real mail. In the corporeal world. This postcard will be — well, I don’t know what the hell it’ll be. Maybe a PENMONKEY postcard, I dunno. But I do know what the postcard will say, and that’s a postcard-sized piece of single-serving writing advice. I will not duplicate this advice across any postcards. It will be handwritten, which means you get to gaze upon my calligraphy, which is about as legible as if you cut off a chicken’s head and stuck a fountain pen in the stump and then let him flop around on a piece of paper. Still: free postcard.

Every 100 Copies Sold: Free Motherfucking T-Shirt

Folks have been clamoring for a PENMONKEY t-shirt. Well, I’m not selling one. What am I, a t-shirt shop?

No.

I am, however, giving one away.

That shirt will probably be this shirt:

Since I’m only giving away these shirts, that means it will be rare and worth millions of dollars. Okay, maybe not that last part. But rare! Definitely rare. Yeah.

That said, I reserve the right to change the t-shirt at any time. I probably won’t, because I’m lazy, but I’m also unpredictable. Like a homeless guy with a knife and a drinking problem.

I only promise that the t-shirt will contain the word: PENMONKEY.

(That shirt also says terribleminds on the back, by the way. I did it with Zazzle.)

Every 200 Copies Sold: I Edit Your Shit

For every 200 copies, I will pick someone at random and offer them the chance to get a single editing pass on 5000 words of their content or 50 script pages of a screenplay from yours truly. I will give it a robust single pass of copy, content and context, and further, I will always be tactful but make no aims to be nice. Know that going in (then again, if you read this blog, you know I’m a tough-love type — I love you, sure, but my love comes stapled to the end of a Louisville slugger).

You may say, what are my qualifications beyond being just some fuckface with an author’s blog and a book containing dubious NSFW writing advice? I’ve been writing professionally now for over 13 years, and further, I’ve done quite a bit of editing and developing work. For example, I hired writers, developed content, and edited the writing across the entire Hunter: The Vigil game-line. Those writers I hired will likely tell you that they hated me and envisioned my death, but I also believe they’ll tell you that I improved their work. (If any of those writers are here now, feel free to pop in and say so. Or, tell me you still hate me.)

Every 500 Copies Sold: Some Awesome Fucker Gets A Kindle

Yep. For every half-a-thousand sold, I’ll pick someone at random and give them a Kindle. I’m not made of wampum over here, so it’ll be the “regular” Kindle that comes bundled with special offers (THIS GUY right here). If you already have a Kindle, then feel free to either say, “Send it to [insert person’s name here]” or “No, thank you, please pick the next person on the list, as I am one magnanimous muhfucka.”

The Deets

Here, then, is the 411, the deets, the down-low.

This, er, “incentive program” is only open to those in the United States of America. I can’t pay international shipping, and further, may not be able to give international work a good proper edit. [EDIT: That said, if you’re international and you want me to edit your work, so be it, I will.]

I will run this for the next 1000 sales of PENMONKEY (starting with sale #329) or for the next year, whichever comes first. After that, I may continue, discontinue, or change the parameters and have my doom-bots add new “incitement protocols.”

I will keep a running tally somewhere on this site, soon as I figure out where that goes best. Sidebar? Maybe.

Any “incentives” will be received within 60 days of notification, though I have little doubt it’ll get to you a lot sooner. (The only tricky one is the edit, which may take time, so I want that 60-day cushion.)

This program is open to those who have already procured PENMONKEY (i.e. those first 328 purchasers) provided they live in the United States.

If you bought a PDF, I already have your email address and you don’t need to do anything at all.

If you bought a copy via Amazon or B&N, I need proof of sale and and e-mail address. Proof of sale can be a screen cap of a receipt or a photo of the book on your e-reader device. I reserve the right to be a jerk and test you and quiz you. Because that’s just how I roll. (Though recall: I also roll lazy. So I probably won’t.)

You can send proof of purchase to a special address I’ve got set-up for the whole shebang:

terribleminds at gmail dot com.

“Incitement Recipients” will be chosen at random via spreadsheet + random number generator.

If you have any questions, use the comment box below.

To procure PENMONKEY:

Kindle (US), Kindle (UK), Nook, or PDF.

I politely request that you spread the word on this, as it doesn’t work unless… well, people know about it.

Let the doom-bots begin their incitement.

I look forward to my hot-chick-in-a-Lamborghini.

28 comments

  • Penmonkey was the first Kindle book my 19-yr-old (who keeps asserting he’s not a writer) ever took my Kindle away from me to read. And chortle. And grin widely when I reminded him he could read it on his Mac.

    *goes to rummage for Amazon receipt and incite others*

  • Reading “Every 200 Copies Sold: I Edit Your ShiRt is one of the reasons I hate reading on a backlit screen. :(. Someone needs to invent eInk for a PC.

    Also, I’m not sure what this says, but every time I see your penmokey picture, I think it’s a Day of the Dead skull decoration until I look closer… :/

    • @Josin:

      The Penmonkey skull is actually based on the sugar skull designs of Day of the Dead, so, utterly apropos that you see that!

      Not clear on your backlit/e-ink conundrum, though (outside e-ink being appealing on the eyes): It should say I Edit Your Shit, so…? Clarify? Wuzza? Wooza?

      — c.

  • Glad to know I’m one of your 328, not so happy I missed my chance for a free t-shirt… I have that part of being a writer down, hunting for free shit. Sigh.

    But I will update my blog post where I slightly rave about your book and the fact it’s given me the advice/abuse/kick up the arse to get through Julnowrimo and actually, maybe, write the total 50,000 words. One link, coming up…

  • I saw it as “shirt”, with an “r” in it, which made it read like you were altering the monkey face on the T-shirt. I’m reading on a ginormous PC desktop at the moment and thanks to my freakish eye issues, I either see ghost letters or all typing goes 3-D and floats off the screen. So. basically, I’m whiny. :-P

  • Nice, bring on the swag! Although I guess it’s not really swag, huh…more like super-unique elite collectible Wendighaus paraphernalia. Anyway, Jpeg sent. Gonna permalink from the blog too.

    • @Margaret:

      I dunno. Can you leave a review without procuring a copy?

      I suppose a review is good enough for Proof of Purchase, either way. Just to be sure, I’d still need a message sent to that gmail address so I have it in the list. :)

      — c.

  • >>For example, I hired writers, developed content, and edited the writing across the entire Hunter: The Vigil game-line. Those writers I hired will likely tell you that they hated me and envisioned my death, but I also believe they’ll tell you that I improved their work. (If any of those writers are here now, feel free to pop in and say so. Or, tell me you still hate me.)

    It wasn’t Hunter the Vigil in my case, but Werewolf the Forsaken. But Chuck’s edits were my first professional edits, methinks. I cried. I drank heavily. I beat my head against a wall until I didn’t want to be a writer anymore. I died. I resurrected myself a better writer.

    In all seriousness, you want this thing. Chuck’s editing of 10,000 words of my work influenced my writing -and my success as a professional writer- more than any one professional I’ve had the pleasure of working with.

  • Personally I’d be ecstatic for a physical copy of this to hold in my sweet little hands to reference as I write. As it stands I have to wait for my outdated, slow-as-shit, phone to pull it up on nook and then try to “thumb” through it for the advice i seek at the time. I’d also love to put this in the hands of every student in an English class, even if it meant my job as a teacher (if I was a teacher.)

    ps does anyone else see the smiley face in the very bottom left corner under the bottom black terribleminds banner at the bottom of the page?

  • “does anyone else see the smiley face”

    Not when I look straight-on, but out of the corner of my eye, yes. It’s the e’s isn’t it?

    I bought the PDF, then bought a second copy from Amazon, so that I could rip it to ePub and read it comfortably on my iPad. But I’m Australian, so. . . meh.

  • I’m not American, I’m not eligible. C’est la vittles. ‘Confessions’ is a work of towering genius that I have been devouring with a (long) spoon since I bought it yesterday and I will do what I can to crank its Amazon stats.

    Which is to say, I will write a review and buy gift copies for writery friends. Because they are my friends and so deserve to read sentences like the one about molesting corn with science…

  • @Chuck – yep, I’m in old Blighty (Britain to everyone else).

    It’s cool though, I got more than enough reward from Confessions and finished Irregular Creatures recently too – Love the flying cats. I wonder if I tie pigeon wings to my mum’s cats I could have one of my own…

    Really enjoyed the stories, they’re so different to what I’m working on it was a breath of fresh, out-there air.

  • What. How the everloving hell did I miss this? Was I in a coma? I NEED THAT SHIRT. Of course, the blue design would look really awesome on a shirt (:coughhintcough:). Time to go raid my couch-cushions for spare change now…

  • I just had this terrible thought as I hit send on my email to verify purchase. What if the word “motherfucking” in the subject line gets caught by a spam filter??

    Nah. I’m just being paranoid.

  • BOOM.

    In one week, we hit the 50 needed to unlock:

    THE FIRST POSTCARD.

    Please be sure to hit that email and tell me you’ve procured a copy so I get your name on the list. I will be picking the postcard recipient tomorrow morning, so have your name and email in by then if you want to be included in the draw.

    HUZZAH.

    Thank you, folks!

    — c.

  • AND ANOTHER POSTCARD IS UNLOCKED.

    Ahem. I’m going to be doing the updates and picks in the comments of this post from now on so as not to create a new post every time.

    But we hit another 50.

    And the gods have chosen:

    DAVE VERSACE.

    Dave, I will be in touch.

    — c.

  • I just ordered Confessions of a…. Penmonkey. Please add my name to your list, I really would love a shirt, or a post card, or gee, just an acknowledgement from ya, have read your “free”stuff and it’s pretty wild! I wanna read more!!!

  • Yeah, ok. I’ve been duly incited :D Off to get the PDF. I *am* international, though, so if by any chance I happen to win any of these inciting bribes (and I do hunger in the most horrible way for a critique), let me set your mind at ease: I have friends in the US who will be happy to receive my Terribleminds care package until I’m in the neighborhood to claim it. I also trust them not to wear the t-shirt… or wash it afterwards if they do.

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