First round is right here.

Second round is right here.

The rules are simple:

Look through the now 400-word entries from last week (round two, linked above).

Pick one.

Add another 200 words to the story.

(Easiest way forward is to copy the chosen 400 words to your own blog, then add the next 200. Don’t forget to link to your now 600-word story in the comments. Someone may want to continue the tale next week, for part four.)

You do not need to have participated in the first rounds to participate in this one.

Try to choose to continue a story in which you have not yet participated.

Do not finish the story. This is a five-part fiction experiment: we’ll end the year with several 1000-word stories, each built out of 200-word chunks by you guys. This is a collaborative game. It is Whisper Down the Lane. It is Telephone. It should be very interesting by the end. One hopes.

You’ve got one week.

Due by Friday, December 13th (gasp!), noon EST.

Join the narrative chain, won’t you?

We all want a Wonder Woman movie.

Why? Because a Wonder Woman movie would be crazy aces.

You could do a really cool thing with her being equal parts superhero and warrior princess demi-goddess — fighting not aliens or supervillains but creatures and figures out of mythology. Struggling with her own place in this world, and you could even color it with her struggle as a woman — never too heavy-handed on that point, but still keenly felt.

It’d be the melodrama of gods, the epic heroism of myth put onto the streets of modern-day America, a cracking lasso, bullets deflected. Maybe no invisible jet, though, because, c’mon.

Similar to Thor, which really isn’t a “superhero” movie. (Alternate idea: do a Captain America version, where she fights Nazis. Because, c’mon. Nazis! Check out this cool fan film.)

This isn’t what’s happening.

What’s happening is — at least, what we know is — Zach Snyder is making a movie about Batman and Superman and we’re just now hearing that Wonder Woman is a part of it. We don’t know how significant her role will be. We don’t know the script. We don’t know much more than that.

Oh, we do know that the actress that’s playing her. Gal Gadot — and, by the way, let’s cut criticisms of her body or her once-model status out of the argument, because body shaming is body shaming no matter the shape of the body. It’s not “okay” just because she doesn’t look like you or because she doesn’t look like your idea of the character of Wonder Woman. I don’t recall Wonder Woman being in my history books, do you? And even if she did — artists get to draw her differently, and so actresses can portray her differently. (The same people will say something about Lynda Carter being great, and please be advised: Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot are the same height, and Carter was also a supermodel.) Gadot is a professional actress. She’s acted in films before. She has gotten paid to act in those films. And Gadot was in the Israeli army. Can we really not believe that a regimen of exercise plus movie magic can’t make her look like a passable Diana? Christian Bale before Batman looked like a thin strip of beef jerky. So, let’s cut the shit, please.

The problem isn’t Gadot. The problem is, at least potentially, Snyder.

Snyder has made some strong films, at least visually.

Snyder hasn’t offered us many really strong female characters.

Lois Lane in Man of Steel came close for the first half of the film until she ended up relegated to worthless love-interest/helper-monkey by the end. Gorgo, similarly, is a mixed bag — strong in many ways but then relegated to rape victim to move the plot along. The women in Watchmen aren’t given the same level of attention that they are in the comic.

And don’t get me started on Sucker Punch.

(You are of course free to have loved that film as much as many of you surely do. As time goes on, it’s a film for me that only serves as little grain of sand stuck to my butthole — it just keeps itching and itching, an irritating mote sure to become a rash, never become a pearl. For my mileage, it’s a film that not only fails at its supposed purpose, but actually subverts its own ideas of “empowerment” into shallow, septic nonsense. YMMV, IMHO, etc.)

So, now we’re getting Snyder’s version of Wonder Woman.

Right out of the gate, we’re getting some warning signs.

First, that she’s not part of the trio, but rather, a third wheel to the two men. I say this because the film is called Batman Vs. Superman. She’s not going to be a main character because, drum roll please, the main characters are already there.

Second, we’re not following the Marvel path of, “Introduce new character with their own film, then give them the team-up movie.” This is reverse-engineering (and I’ll tell you why that’s a problem in a minute).

Third, the fear that romantic drama will be at play here, with Wonder Woman offered up as kissy-fodder for Superman to create emotional conflict with Lois. (Again, why else introduce her in a film not about her unless she’s to be used as a prop to hold up some aspect of the plot?)

Fourth, Man of Steel wasn’t — for me — a great film, or even a good film, or even a film I want to see ever again. (It’s another movie that over time lost any luster it had when I left the theater).

Fifth, and finally: Sucker Punch. Again.

So, here’s what happens:

We get the movie.

It’s full of the Snyder bombast. Maybe it has a good script. Maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s awesome. Maybe it sucks dooky-shoes.

Maybe it makes fat bank. Maybe it crumbles like an ill-baked cookie at the box office.

But the film could be a justification for us never ever getting a proper Wonder Woman movie.

Here’s how:

No matter how the film does, any time the subject of a Wonder Woman film comes up, they’ll be pointing to this movie as the test. And if this movie isn’t a stellar representation of her?

Game over, goodbye.

But you’re saying, “Batman has had plenty of shitty entries into the film canon. Superman, too.” And you’d be right. But, here’s a secret shh don’t tell anybody: those are white guys.

And this is Hollywood.

Here’s what happens when a film or television show succeeds or fails when white guys are involved: “Great script! Shit script. Strong director. Shoulda gotten a better director.” And so on. It’s judged based on the merits of the film and the roles filled in support of that film.

What happens when a film or television show fails — key word, fails — when one or several women are involved? It’s because she was a woman. “Nobody responds to female-driven comedies,” they might say. “Or this is why we don’t have a lot of female directors.” It won’t be because of the technical merits. Won’t be because of a bad script or a rough market or, or, or.

It’ll be blamed on those with vaginas.

And that’s what will happen here.

If Wonder Woman fails on-screen — hell, if she falls short of the 90% awesome mark on-screen — then the excuse will be, as it has been in various LA-LA-Land meetings already, “Nobody wants to see a Wonder Woman film.” They’ll say she’s hard to get right. Hard to make her work on screen. Whether she’s in this film for five minutes or fifty, this is what we’ll get. And this is why the Marvel approach would’ve been so much more desirable. Creating her movie upfront would have given us a chance to have her succeed on her own merits, not fall down because she’s a value-add in a film about two superdudes. If we had assumed her film was a necessary one before the inevitable Justice League film, it would’ve guaranteed at least one movie.

But that’s not happening. We get this one role. So we’d better hope it’s a good one. Because —

They could make 10 shitty Batman movies, and we’ll always see more Batman movies.

But if Wonder Woman isn’t top of the pops for every second she’s on-screen in Snyder’s film, they’ll burn the character down and salt the earth and the topic won’t come up again for another 30 goddamn years. Wonder Woman will be poison on the lips.

And that’s the danger of putting Wonder Woman in Batman Versus Superman.

It’s a perfect — meaning, sad — example of how you might kill a Wonder Woman franchise.

(Disclaimer: all of this is of course pure speculation. I’ve not seen a script. I’d like to be cautiously optimistic here. But I can base some thoughts on what has come before, and that’s what I’m doing here. Fingers crossed that all of this is delightfully inaccurate.)

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I was a lawyer who decided that if I was going to tell lies for money I might as well write fiction.

Now I use the transformative power of magic realism to illuminate the stories of women in history. My books have been translated into a six languages and won a few fancy awards, but I love best when I receive letters from inspired readers. I’m fascinated by female-centric religions, all things Roman or Egyptian, and have–to the consternation of my devoted husband–collected a house full of cats and faux ancient artifacts.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH:

Drawing upon the magic of Isis, can Cleopatra’s daughter shield her loved ones from the emperor’s wrath or will she be the last of her line?

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

I’ve always been fascinated by the bad girls of history, particularly Cleopatra VII, who was both the most powerful woman in the history of the western world, and the most iconic one.

Imagine my surprise to learn that she was not, in fact, the last of her dynasty. Cleopatra had a daughter–Selene–who was hailed as a messiah nearly forty years before the birth of Christ. Selene was also, at the age of nine, captured by the Romans and dragged through the streets in chains, but survived to become the most powerful client queen in the early Roman empire.

I wanted to know how that happened. How could the daughter of the reviled “Egyptian Whore” have risen to such prominence after her parents’ defeat and suicide? I wanted to write the story in a way that both honored this woman’s survival, her religion, and the ancient beliefs in magic.

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

I come from a long line of impressive women and have often struggled with the feeling of not quite measuring up. I think that is what draws me to stories about people who walk in very big shadows. Cleopatra Selene struggled all her life with her mother’s larger-than-life reputation and still managed to carve out her own legacy against enormous odds. That really resonated with me and I hope I wrote it in a way that will resonate with readers.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING DAUGHTERS OF THE NILE?

The biggest challenge of this book was dealing authentically with historical beliefs that are so alien to the modern reader. For example, by the time my heroine was born, her family had been practicing brother-sister marriage for more than two hundred years and it was not, as some have suggested, only symbolic in nature. (We have the family tree–and there are very few branches!)

It was tricky to write a sympathetic portrayal of a heroine who would have not only believed that incest was a perfectly appropriate practice for royal dynasties, but who also may have believed she was an earthly incarnation of a goddess.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING DAUGHTERS OF THE NILE?

I learned that Isis worship was the great forerunner of Christianity and that the religion is still a living faith to this day thanks to the help of Cleopatra Selene, who built a sanctuary for Isis when the religion was banned by the emperor in Rome.

Also, early on in my research I discovered that a mysterious figure on the emperor Augustus’ most famous monument has been identified by several scholars as the son of Cleopatra Selene. If true, it indicates a much closer relationship between Cleopatra’s daughter and the imperial family than previously suspected. It led me to take a peek at the oft-debated Tellus panel on the Ara Pacis, in which a handsome goddess being attended by winds, bears a striking resemblance to portraits of my heroine. That made me start wondering what kind of relationship Augustus and the daughter of Cleopatra might have had…

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT DAUGHTERS OF THE NILE?

It made me cry while I wrote it.

It also makes readers cry. Or so they tell me.

This book is a sweeping story about a woman who suffers enormous losses and enjoy bone-shaking triumphs. It’s the most emotional book I’ve ever written. And I love it because readers tell me that they cry because they’re angry, then sad, then, ultimately, happy with a cathartic ending. I love books that move me, that destroy me a little…so reader tears, for me, taste like sweet ambrosia.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

First, I won’t ever agree to a book deadline near Christmas again. I was such a Grinch!

Second, because I saw this story as epic fantasy, a trilogy seemed like a perfectly rational idea–especially because the story spans several decades. What I didn’t know was how unusual historical fiction trilogies are, and so I had to work very hard to make each book its very own stand-alone novel. A reader can pick up any of the Nile books and follow the story without difficulty, but blood, sweat and tears went into making that so.

Finally, next time, I will choose a smaller cast of characters. It was hard to restrict myself because the Julio-Claudians were so fascinating and dysfunctional that I could write a book about each and every one of them. Readers will know these characters from classics like I, Claudius, but I had the chance to write about them from the perspective of a young foreign captive girl who was taken into the bosom of their family. However, Romans were very unimaginative when it came to names–so I would like to avoid, in future, books with three characters named Antonia…

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

He doesn’t know me. He only knows my shadow self. My khaibit. The part of me that is dangerous and destructive. The part of me I’ve fought down. I’ve lied before. I’ve kept secrets, betrayed vows, and broken faith even with the goddess whose words sometimes carve themselves in my flesh. I’ve driven men to acts of madness and murder, to reclaim what should have been mine. And in the confines of the emperor’s household, where my heritage was reviled and my faith suspect, I learned that to survive was to deceive. Indeed, my enemies say that by sparing my life, Augustus allowed a viper into the very heart of Rome. What they don’t know is that it was the emperor himself who molded me into the kind of venomous creature that strikes when provoked. He created my dark soul as a reflection of his own, so I shouldn’t be surprised that when he looks at me, it is all he sees.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

In the coming year I have an exciting new project co-authored with my good friend, historian Laura Kamoie (aka NYT Bestselling author Laura Kaye). Together we’re writing a biopic of Martha “Patsy” Jefferson Randolph whose loving but deeply dysfunctional relationship with her father, the third president of the United States, defined not only her life, but his legacy…and thus, our own.

Stephanie Dray: Website / Twitter

Daughters of the Nile: Amazon / B&N / Kobo

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I’m a sci-fi-writing, sword-wielding, computer-loving plot addict. I’ve been writing stories since I learned to fold sheets of paper into little “books” and filled them with tales such as how I slew a dragon and my mum clean up the mess. I work in the IT industry as a Technology Strategist, which is a wonderfully important-sounding job title. Outside of work and writing, I read a lot, play badminton and study kung fu.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH:

Shadows of Tomorrow is an exciting tale of parallel universes, ravenous monsters, treason, love and a guy who can remember his future.

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

The story started from two ideas that merged into a whole. One was the idea of a character revered as a hero by one group and hated as evil by another, because the two groups only know half of his story. What happens when people from the two groups come up against each other?

The other idea was for the character of Gareth, a person who can remember his future. On the surface, this sounds like a wonderfully useful thing, but I wanted to explore the challenges inherent to such a gift and how it could cause problems. In particular, I wanted to explore the emotional difficulties of a character who is so used to knowing how things will turn out, suddenly faced with situations where he doesn’t know the future.

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

Because no one else could make sense of the chaos inside my head?

When writing this book, I drew in elements from various aspects of my life, mixed them up and created something new.

The story involves a group of highly-trained fighters, so I pulled in a lot from my own experiences with kung fu training. Of course, the guys in the book are considerably more disciplined than I am. J

But it’s not all about the action. The book also features the character of Richard, a technology genius. When writing from his perspective, I had to make sure that it sounded like this was coming from a technical expert.

I also touch on the idea of being a female in a very male-dominated group. As a woman in IT (I’m the only female on my team) this is a very familiar experience. I could bring those experiences into the story and show the emotions of Cassie, the new girl coming into this world of testosterone-laden tough guys.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING Shadows of Tomorrow?

Getting the right protagonist. I thought the story was about one character when I started and wrote several chapters focused on that person. It was only when I was about six chapters in that I realised that it was someone else who was really at the heart of the story. This meant when I got to the second draft, I had to completely rewrite the entire opening of the book. Very frustrating. Still, that’s what second drafts are for.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING Shadows of Tomorrow?

Shadows of Tomorrow is first in a trilogy and it was difficult to make sure that it felt like a single story, whole and complete, even with certain plot threads left for the future books. Writing a series is a very different art from writing a single novel and Shadows of Tomorrow was the first book I wrote intending it to be the first of a collection (even if my self-published Omega Rising came out first. I learned a lot about series-writing with this book which will help me with both series.  

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT Shadows of Tomorrow?

I had a lot of fun writing the character Richard. He’s so convinced of his own genius that it was a very entertaining perspective to write from.

I’m also very proud of the plot weaving across the trilogy. There are some moments in Shadows of Tomorrow that will probably seem insignificant – or be completely overlooked – that tie into the events of the later books. I don’t want to give away too much, but I’m hoping that when the second book comes out there will be “Aha!” moments for a few readers.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

About the only thing I’d do differently is to start thinking of Gareth as the protagonist right from the beginning. That would have saved me a considerable amount of redrafting time.

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

Something about this place resonated in Gareth’s mind. He didn’t even have to try. He saw the hall through a haze of golden light and a memory stirred, finding him without effort. Distant music echoed in his thoughts, the sound of laughter and swish of silken skirts. A moment of his future, so pivotal it would shape realities around it, flowed backwards to embrace his consciousness. As he stared about him, Gareth saw the room shining in the radiance from the chandeliers, brilliant with the outfits of those who danced beneath. He saw Mira, a bright smile rendering her breath-taking.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

There are the other two books in this trilogy: Between Yesterdays and Out of Time. Between Yesterdays is about ready to go to the publisher but Out of Time is only part-way through the first draft. I’m also working on Traitor in the Tower which is the second story in my Codename Omega series of novellas.

Jessica Meats: Website / Twitter

Shadows Of Tomorrow: Amazon / Amazon UK 

 

I don’t actually know what’s wrong with all of you — I’m suspecting some kind of brain parasite transmitted via Twitter — but yesterday my Twitter follower count shuddered and clicked over to the 25,000 mark. So: confetti, ponies, sex orgy, bourbon, etc.

Anyway, so I thought this was a good time to give away some books.

I’ll give away all three Miriam Black books — the first two (Blackbirds and Mockingbird) will be signed paperback copies, and Cormorant (aka, book three) will be a digital copy.

Here’s how you get ’em:

a) Be from the United States, or be willing to pay international shipping / accept e-books instead.

b) Between 6AM and 11:59PM EST on December 4th, 2013, tweet what you think the next Miriam Black book should be called — note that all Miriam Black books have thus far been named after a bird, so, you should do that, too. You must include a link to this blog post! Oh, and most important part of them all because it’s how the NSA oh sorry I will track you — use the hashtag:

#miriamblackbookfour

c) The next Miriam Black book will actually be called Thunderbird, so don’t use that name.

d) One entry per person, please.

e) The next morning (12/5), I’ll do a random draw from those who have used the hashtag. After I eat breakfast and drink coffee and clean up whatever dead body I’ve been sleeping next to all night thanks to another one of my violent, hallucinogenic fugue states.

I’ll shout out the winner here and on Twitter.

And for the rest of you — hey, Cormorant lands at the end of the month, dontchaknow?

Preorder The Cormorant: Indiebound / Amazon / B&N / Add on Goodreads

Your coffee maker has failed you.

And, in turn, you have failed your coffee.

You’ve been handed a gift. Coffee beans are from MOTHER EARTH. The Earth pushed them up out of her body for you, and you’re just taking them and, and — what? Pulverizing them in the mouth of a golden retriever with halitosis. Then running them through some stanky drip coffee makes you bought from a flea market for like, seven bucks and is full of insidious black mold. Or, gods, worse, you’re using one of those K-Cup things. Those were invented for people whose tastebuds were destroyed in the war. You know what’s in a K-Cup? Coffee from the Soviet era. Limestone driveway gravel. Pubes from raccoons who died in housefires. If you’re going to drink coffee from K-Cups, you might as well eat grass-fed beef out of a dirty gym sock, or drink Lagavulin whisky after it’s first been passed through the intestinal tract of a sickly flamingo. It’s gross.

You’re just… you’re just bumming the rest of us out.

It is time to fix this. Time to pay your coffee the respect it deserves, a respect it rarely gets with Starbucks out there charring every bean that comes through their door with a flamethrower.

It is time to meet my new friend, The Chemex.

After doing a hasty and lazy read on the history of the Chemex pour-over coffee carafe, I learn that it was invented during World War II and was used as a weapon against the Nazis. Each soldier was given a Chemex when they stormed the beaches of Normandy. Why? Ah! Because the glass bell of the hourglass-shaped Chemex would take the lasers from the Nazis’ ultra-pistols and reflect them back at the bunkers and —

*is handed a note*

Okay, I’ve just been informed that this is all sheer conjecture.

We can’t say for sure that the Nazis had laser pistols and —

*is handed a note*

We can say for sure?

*one more note*

FINE, the Nazis didn’t have laser pistols, whatever.

Point is, the Chemex is awesome and has been around for a good long while. Invented in the 1940s, it now sits in various museums as an example of elegant design and stylistic function. It is also the preferred coffee maker of James Bond. True story.

I decided to check out the Chemex because my current drip maker — a very solid entry from the fine folks at Cuisinart — makes a nice and reliable cup but also seems to lose a lot of the powerful differentiation between beans and roasts. I could buy great quality beans and it would still make roughly the same cup of coffee as a meh-ehh-whatever quality of beans. Light roasts tasted only marginally lighter than medium or dark roasts. Minimal complexity.

Plus, I also learned that my burr grinder — a “Tru” grinder — was labeled a burr but wasn’t actually a burr grinder. (A burr grinder is a series of gnashing burrs plucked from the hide of a forest-trampling grizzly bear and — *is handed a note* — okay, never mind, that is not accurate.)

I’ve always been a half-a-coffee snob, and so I thought maybe it was either time to commit to the snobbery or just bury myself in a giant K-Cup and get it over with. The problem is, to be a full-bore coffee snob might seem at first to be a rather costly endeavor. A quality burr grinder will cost you the innocence of a small child plus a bag of two-headed kittens. A really great drip machine or espresso machine is the same price as a military-grade hovercraft.

I’m a coffee snob, but also occasionally kinda cheap.

Er, “frugal.”

Research showed me a couple things, though:

First, some cheap coffee makers were available. French press, which I already owned (and liked, though my grinder never got the grind right because hey oops my grinder was some Jawa-rigged rust-bucket bean-chewing droid that turned some of my coffee into boulders and some of it into microscopic dust particles). Then: the Aeropress, which was a sort of rocket-scientist version of the French press. And finally:

The Chemex.

Next problem: the grinder.

I saw some folks recommend a hand grinder for something that was cheap and simple and kept a fairly consistent grind. The downside being, hey, you’ve gotta actually put some sweat equity into riding that sweet caffeine-horse to coffee-town.

I went ahead and got a Chemex, an Aeropress, a Hario hand grinder, a Bonavita electric kettle with the swan neck, and a digital scale. I nabbed this from La Colombe, who threw in a bag of coffee.

SO BEGAN MY ASCENT TO SUPERIOR COFFEE SNOBBERY.

Because what happened was, I made one cup of coffee using the Chemex.

And I got the best cup of coffee I’d ever made.

Perhaps the best cup I’d ever consumed.

Here’s how I explain it —

You know how, when you open a bag of coffee, it has that heady, potent, magical smell? And you know how, once you grind that coffee, the smell only intensifies? And your nose detects a wealth of little eccentricities in the ground beans: coffee and wine and smoke and cherry and the sweat from an electrocuted man and a dreams of a sleeping blue whale and the earthen grave-loam of a dead god’s burial mound? And then you brew the coffee and almost all of that is completely lost? Submerged in a wash of straight-up coffee taste? Tang of bitterness?

This was the first time I’d ever brewed a cup that tasted like the beans smelled.

I couldn’t believe it. It was a coffee revelation. Angels descended. They karate-kicked me in the mouth, which gave me 10,000 new tastebuds. They sang songs of Panama, and Haiti, and Guatemala. They replaced my blood with Kona coffee. They made love to me.

It was a very meditative experience, actually. Soothing. Hand-grinding. Pouring the water in slow, deliberate spirals. I felt more involved, more active. I liked slowing it down. Watching all the processes happen. Fascinating stuff.

It’s not a joke when I say I haven’t used my drip maker since.

Mornings for me are either Chemex or Aeropress — the latter making something akin to an espresso pull (sans any kind of crema), the former being a straight-up killer cuppa coffee.

So. Chemex. Try it.

How I Brew It

You’d think there’d be one way to make coffee in this very simple maker, but that’s not true. For every user of the Chemex is, I suspect, a slightly tweaked snowflake method of brewing coffee with it. This is evidenced by the many brew guides and brew videos on the web — each slightly different than the one before it. I thought I’d detail my brew method below, which hews pretty close to the standard but offers one or two notable tweaks.

Fill the kettle halfway with tap water. Boil it. Make it bubble with watery rage.

Get your Chemex. Get your Chemex filter, which is a thick, surly filter — so potent that if you filter blood through it, it allows only the victim’s fear and illusions to seep through into the carafe. That’s some motherfucking forensic science right there, homesauce.

Pour the boiling water through the filter. Wet the sides so it sticks to the glass. You’re saying, HA HA STUPID WENDIG YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE to which I respond by misting you in the eyes and mouth with Axe Body Spray as punishment for your insolence. The goal here is to remove any papery taste from the filter, to help the filter stick to the carafe, and to warm the carafe.

Now: pour into the kettle 20 oz. of good filtered water. That’s two and a half cups.

Time to get out the scale. Put in some kind of container (a glass dish, the grinder container, a lemur skull, whatever) and tare it out. Apply beans until you get to 40 grams. This is roughly like, 2-3 tablespoons, but every bean is different so — eh? USE A SCALE, YOU SAVAGE.

Set your grind to be medium to coarse. Somewhere in the middle.

A moment, now, about bean selection. I get my beans at present from La Colombe, but I also tried a sample from Tonx recently and the beans they sent were aces. For the Chemex I like a lot of light-to-medium roasts. Anything too aggressive is best for the Aeropress, I think.

Grind your coffee. In the grinder. Not under your boot like some kind of thug. Not in your mouth. Not between two bricks. In a good grinder. Hand grinder. Burr grinder. That’s it. You get one of those regular stainless steel grinders for seven bucks, it’s gonna scorch the beans and give you an inconsistent grind and also it’ll kill ten puppies. Maybe eleven. It’s not math, it’s dark magic, so you just don’t know how many puppies will die because of your poor choice of grinder.

Boil the 20 oz. of water.

Take the Chemex and empty the water you put in there originally — you can just pour it out because the pour-groove isn’t covered by the filter. You think, “Oh, jeez, if I tip the pitcher, the filter’s gonna fall out,” except it won’t. Because of miracles. And probably science.

But mostly miracles.

Water should be boiling. Stop it from boiling.

Now: put your ground beans in the filter.

Once the water has cooled down a bit — say, 30 seconds after the boil — you want to pour just a little water over the grounds to wet them all. Enough to cover them. It’s like a wet t-shirt contest or waterboarding an enemy combatant NEITHER OF WHICH ARE GOOD OR ADMIRABLE THINGS so never mind forget I said any of that jeez just wet the coffee already.

You will notice now an effect called a “bloom.” A fungal spore pod will swell from the grounds and corkscrew its way up your nose and into your brain where it will pollinate your cerebral cortex —

*receives a note*

— I mean, the “bloom” is when the water saturates the grounds and they puff up a little before deflating again — which takes about 45 seconds or so. (I time every stage.)

Once that’s done, I begin a fairly assertive pour-over. I’ve actually taken to pressing a small dimple right into the center of the ground coffee — I start right in the center of that dimple and spiral out. Never touching the sides, because it seems like washing down the sides causes the whole thing to pack together and slow the brew. Center only. Fill about a 1/4-inch from the top. Let it drip down a little, then add more water (usually takes me three pours).

The extraction should be about 3-5 minutes.

Any less than that and it’ll taste sad and watery, like your tears.

Any longer than that and it’ll taste grim and bitter, like your dreams.

Now: pour.

Drink.

Exult.

Exalt.

ALLOW THE CAFFEINE TO GIVE YOU SUPERPOWERS.

Ahem.

The Asterisk

To be clear, I’m not actually mocking anybody’s use of K-Cups or drip makers or whatever-your-choice-of-coffee-num-nums. You follow your bliss to wherever your bliss takes you; to quote Kacey Musgraves, follow your arrow wherever it points.

How do you brew your coffee?

From where do you procure your beans?

What coffees you like?

LET US SPEAK ABOUT THIS MOST IMPORTANT OF SUBJECTS.

A Fancy Instructional Video!

This is a great video on brewing with your Chemex. Check it:

A CHEMEX BREW GUIDE from Cartel Coffee Lab on Vimeo.