First round is right here.

Second round is right here.

Third round: boom, right here.

And the fourth round is now within clicking range.

The end is here.

It has been a wonderfully weird experiment and I think, actually, pretty successful.

Time to bring this badboy home.

The rules are simple:

Look through the 800-word entries from last week (round four, linked above).

Pick one.

Add another 200 words to the story. The final 200 words, actually.

(Easiest way forward is to copy the chosen 800 words to your own blog, then add the next 200. Don’t forget to link to the now-finished tale in the comments.)

You do not need to have participated in the earlier rounds to participate in this one.

This time around, as noted, you will finish the story. And! And you are free to work on a story to which you have previously contributed, preferably one whose initial 200 words were yours to begin with. (Meaning, while not necessary, it’ll be interesting for you to finish the story that you began but whose middle is penned by three other writers.)

This is a collaborative game. It is Whisper Down the Lane. It is Telephone.

And now it’s time to finish up.

You’ve got one week.

Due by Friday, December 27th, noon EST.

Add the final link to the narrative chain, won’t you?

Not long after the New Year I’m going to start fading out the “10 Questions” I do with authors every Thursday — not because I don’t like them but because I like to keep that spot evolving and allow it to be functional both for authors and for readers of this blog.

I intend to replace it with a new feature:

Five Things I Learned By Writing [Insert Your Book, Comic, Game, Movie, Etc. Here]

This one is simple in theory, though maybe complex and compelling in its execution: storytellers have a chance to post five things they learned about writing their currently-releasing title. These five things can be about the writing process, about storytelling architecture, about editing. But it can be about whatever: something you learned from research, something you realized about yourself or your goals, some ancillary piece of information you dug up that never found its way into the book. Anything you learned during the writing of your story is fair game.

Beyond that, this’ll work the same way it did before, roughly.

Email me at terribleminds at gmail dot com.

Subject header: FIVE THINGS ABOUT [insert your story here]

(Note, if it doesn’t have that ‘five things about’ in the subject header, I may miss it — I’m literally going to use my email to pull that subject header out and auto-populate a new folder.)

Do not go and write a five things post and send it to me.

I just need you to tell me a little about your book and let me know it’s release date. (This is meant to be interesting for readers but also a sales vector for you, which is why I’m tying these posts specifically to the weeks surrounding your release date. In other words, I won’t yet be posting “five things” for books that have been out for more than a couple weeks.)

Once I give approval and we figure out what Thursday it’ll post, you can go ahead and write the Five Things and get ’em to me a week before it’s scheduled to post alongside any and all appropriate author and book-buying links (Indiebound / Amazon / B&N / other store).

I’ve got slots open starting in January, so authors (or editors, agents, publicists): email now.

I’d like two weeks notice any time you send just such a request.

I also want a copy of the book. Print is preferred when available!

At this time, I do not want self-published material pitched for this unless we loosely know one another or unless you’re also a traditionally-published author.

Now, that’s gonna upset some people. And I don’t blame you.

But here’s the deal — whenever I put out this kind of solicitation, I get self-published authors sending me material 10:1 to trad-pubbed authors. And most of these books pitched are not very good. I hate to push that segment aside and I understand any sort of agita against gatekeepers, but I only have so much time in my day and only so much ability to vet material — as such, I am going to make this a kept gate. Apologies in advance, and maybe that’ll change as time goes on.

If you get accepted for a post, I’ll give you some more details on how to write ’em in terms of format and length. Those of you who have 10 Questions scheduled, you’re still all good to give me those unless you’d prefer to switch over to this format, instead — just gimme a shout.

Thanks, folks!

Writer’s Digest / Amazon / B&N / iBooks / Indiebound / Goodreads

Well, hot damn.

Got some great entries from the writer’s group photos. We actually had 19 different entries from around the country — and actually, around the world, since one such group is based in Dublin. (Click here to see all the photos! No, really. They’ve got pole-dancing. Miley Cyrus. Various weapons. Rubber duckies. Die Hard. Booze. A police line-up. And more!)

But, of course, my job here is to choose a winner.

Which is tough! Because so many cool writing groups.

But, I had to embrace the spirit of ass-kicking that comes with the book.

And as such, I’ve chosen to split the prize between two writing groups.

Reason? Both groups sent photos that embodied KICKING WRITERLY ASS.

The two winners:

Writers Under the Arch, and the Valkyries. Respective photos below:

and —

It was a tough call, but there you go.

Way this works is, I’m going to split the 10-book haul between the two groups and you can fight over who gets what internally. Since you are all clearly armed to the teeth with various bladed weapons, I expect this battle to be epic and brutal and put immediately on YouTube.

Those of you who sent me the group photos: hey, I’m going to email you.

And congrats!

Everybody else: you were awesome, the choice was tough.

Keep kicking ass just the same.

Whoa-dang. Been a big year here.

To my surprise and delight, the site has grown yet again in 2013. We have over 3500 subscribers and this year will take us over the 3 million hit mark which is, you know, it’s mind-boggling and eye-goggling and giddy-making and all that. YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY LIKE ME.

My goal as always here is to:

a) try to enlighten/inform

when that fails —

b) try to make you laugh

when that fails —

c) try to dazzle and confuse you with creative profanity.

Hopefully, I’m succeeding.

I see the site gets talked about in different places and seems to have fans up and down the spectrum of writers — from just-starting-neophytes to practiced professionals to the vengeful wraiths of dead authors. This isn’t strictly a writing blog, as obviously I use it to talk about lots of other things (toddler, liquor, coffee, food, culture, things, stuff, doohickeys, pornography, chimpanzees, unicorns, badgers, hobos, Night Ranger, hippogriffs, Cosby sweaters, and dildos).

Plus, it’s nice that a lot of what was here on the blog seemed to connect well — enough to demand the publication of The Kick-Ass Writer, which I’m told is doing well? Woo.

Thanks for checking out the site, obviously. I’ll have a few changes in store for the coming year (one of them I’ll be mentioning tomorrow, actually).

If you have requests for things you’d like me to talk about or suggestions for design changes, do scream it in the comments below and I’ll see what I can do.

You can also ask me things via Tumblr.

Anywho, if you care to see the top posts of 2013, boom. Got ’em below. (These are technically the top 2013 posts of 2013 — the actual top posts of the year include several from 2011 and 2012 yet, too, that sites like StumbleUpon continue to drive traffic toward.)

You’ll note that two of these top posts are by the magical sylph being known as “Delilah Dawson.”

Because she’s rad and you should be reading her books and stuff.

Top Posts of 2013

25 Things You Should Know About Young Adult Fiction

How To Push Past The Bullshit And Write That Goddamn Novel: A Very Simple No-Fuckery Writing Plan To Get Shit Done

25 Steps To Being A Traditionally-Published Author, by Delilah S. Dawson

25 Things To Know About Sexism & Misogyny In Publishing

25 Hard Truths About Writing & Publishing

25 Turns, Pivots, And Twists To Complicate Your Story

25 Humpalicious Steps For Writing Your First Sex Scene, by Delilah S. Dawson

25 Steps To Edit The Unmerciful Suck Out Of Your Story

25 Things You Should Know About Narrative Point-of-View

50 Rantypants Snidbits Of Random Writing & Storytelling Advice

The year is nearly complete.

With a brand new year ready to grow in its corpse.

Ah. Looking back, looking back. No regrets. Not much purpose. I don’t truck with regret. It offers me little. Regret is one of those vestigial emotions — it’s just a hanger-on, like a dingleberry or a hardened booger. Recognizing problems and moving forward is one thing, but clinging to the driftwood of your prior wreckage is just a worthless endeavor.

Swim forward or drown and all that.

So, 2013, then.

Been a great year, ultimately. My wife disentangled from her own professional life, leaving my writing career as the only provider of income for der Wendighaus, which is awesome in the truest sense of the word. Our toddler has grown in leaps and bounds and is now an actual human with increasing wants and needs and opinions. And also the occasional inexplicable tantrum which manifests like a tornado — by the time it’s there, it’s too late to get out of its way so all you can do is run to the basement and wait it out.

I traveled a lot. I went to Australia. I met phenomenal creative humans there — people I dare call friends as well as cohorts in this creative life. I fought an army of koalas with nothing but my fists and a pair of dirty underwear. I rode a cassowary. I did epic karaoke. You know. The usual.

I dunno. Life blurs. I’m like, “I know things happened?”

In 2013, I released the following books:

The Blue Blazes (the criminal underworld meets the mythic underworld!).

Unclean Spirits (the gods have fallen to earth and one man seeks vengeance against them!)

Beyond Dinocalypse (far-flung psychic dinosaur dystopia and the pulp heroes that battle there!)

Under the Empyrean Sky (oppressed dustbowl teens in a cornpunk future fight for love!)

The Kick-Ass Writer (1001 nuggets of boot-on-your-neck writing advice!).

I released a new Miriam Black short story, “Birds of Paradise” in the mystery and crime collection called Malfeasance Occasional: Girl Trouble.

I also put out my first (and ideally not my last) comic: a six-page pulp-action adventure starring occult adventurer Amanda Wynne: “Shackleton’s Hooch.”

And I’m working on my first serialized story — “The Forever Endeavor,” presently in the middle of its run at Fireside Fiction Company.

I wrote a buncha stuff this year, too.

I wrote Beyond Dinocalypse, which as noted, released this year.

I wrote Heartland, Book Two: Blightborn.

I wrote The Cormorant, the third Miriam Black novel.

I wrote a thing called The Nail — a horror novel I don’t know what to do with, yet. It needs a lot of work but I’m not sure exactly which direction to take it — lot of options. It’s kind of a keystone piece for me and ties together a lot of the mythologies of my many stories (you’ll find some of that too in “The Forever Endeavor,” actually, if you pay attention).

I wrote another YA thing I can’t talk about.

I co-wrote what I hope is a killer comic pitch with friend and fellow madman Adam Christopher.

And I wrote another novel-flavored thing I can’t talk about. (But may be able to soon…)

Plus, I blogged here every week.

All told, I think I wrote about —

*does some loose calculations*

*uses fingers, toes, nipples, antennae*

390,000 words of new fiction.

And about, mmm, conservatively, 200,000 words here at the blog.

A pleasing quantity. I cannot speak for the quality, sadly. But I’m hopeful!

In 2014… whew, yeah, wow.

I’ve got a lot of work to do.

I’ve got four novels to write in the next 10 months or so. /panic

I believe I’ll have a script to write, too, but I can’t say anything about that yet.

Plus, soon will be some Big Awesome Stuff announced. Some book-flavored news. Hopefully a comic thing. Maybe some news about a film or TV deal about one of my book series…

I’ve got some books landing on shelves in the next year, too:

The Cormorant releases very, very soon (January 1st!). Worth noting I’ll be launching that book at WORD Bookstore in Brooklyn on January 8th.

Summer will bring Blightborn, the second Heartland book. With that, if you pre-order, you’ll see a new Gwennie short story, “The Wind Has Teeth Tonight.” I’m actually really excited for Blightborn to release. It’s much bigger and sprawlier (*not a word) than Under the Empyrean Sky. Expands the world greatly. Ups the stakes. Was a great deal of fun to write.

Sometime soon you’ll also see the retitled and reworked YA launch of heroine Atlanta Burns in — drum roll please — a book simply titled: Atlanta Burns.

Plus, maybe a few other surprises. Giggle-snort-blush.

I’ll be traveling a lot, too. I’ll put up a more official schedule in the next week or two but I’ll be at Pike’s Peak Writing Conference, Phoenix Comic-Con, the Tucson Book Fest, and more.

So, there it is. That’s all she wrote.

How was your 2013?

How’s 2014 looking?

I wanted chili.

Like, I wanted it in the way an addict wants smack. In the way that when you’re drunk and it’s 3 in the morning and you get this nearly-psychopathic urge to eat a particular combination of foods: I WANT POTATO SKINS AND FUDGSICLES OR I’M GOING TO FUCKING START HITTING THINGS WITH A HAMMER.

I wanted chili.

And I wanted meat in that goddamn chili. Meat. I mean, sure, and vegetables, too, but my carnivorous forebears — which were actually bears, by the way, for the Wendigo bloodline contains several grizzlies — had risen to the surface of my desire like growling ghosts and they demanded flesh.

But all I had was pot roast as a meat source.

Which is no great problem. All you gotta do is cut up the pot roast into cubes and throw those into the chili and ta-da, hey, chili with meat, yay, game over, goodbye, SHUT IT DOWN, everybody. *starts flipping levels and switches*

But I did not do that.

This roast, it was a four-pounder. Good-size. About that of a human head.

And no, it wasn’t actually a human head. I know I got those mixed up last time. JEEZ HAVE A LITTLE FAITH a guy boils one decapitated head and serves it at a church luncheon and everybody gets their genitals in a tizzy. Can’t anybody just relax anymore?

Whatever.

What I decided to do was, cook the pot roast In The Usual Fashion, and then use the delicious savory broth that results not to make gravy, as I usually would, but rather, to make one helluva pot of chili. And dang, youse y’all yinz, it was pretty chilitastic. Or, as Guy Fieri would say, “It was a hot tasty enema right from the general practitioner operating out of Flavortown Hospital!” Or something. I think to get a proper Guy Fieri impression going I need to dye my body hair the color of lemonade and name my son “Donkey Sauce” and buy a sexy convertible so that I can finally become the manifest totem spirit of Mid-Life Crisis.

Anyway.

So, here’s what I did:

First up: turn your FIRECUBE (“oven”) to 275F.

I cut up two sweet onions into fair chunkin’s. I set my heavy-bottomed stock pot on medium-high with a little ejaculation of olive oil to coat the bottom. And I started cooking some onions. Just until they got a little color to them, maybe got a bit soft. Throw in a little chopped garlic, too — but do this late so the garlic doesn’t start to burn because when you burn garlic, Jesus and Athena and Amaterasu and all the other gods and goddesses weep. They weep. You heretic.

While the onion-garlic thing was happening I was like, “LET’S SALT SOME MEAT,” which is also the first of my failed catchphrases back in improv comedy school. When I say “salt the meat,” I don’t mean, “apply a light wintry dusting of salt.” I mean, “salt the unmerciful fuck out of it.” I mean, “salt it like you’d salt the earth of your enemies after you razed their crops and burned them out of house and home.” Don’t skimp on the skalt. Er, salt.

I also sprinkled some powdered garlic onto the meat, too.

Then: the giant lump of flesh goes into the purgatory pot where it will have its sins not burned out of it but contained by the sweet browning on all sides that must occur. The story goes that we brown meat to contain its flavor, but that’s not really true. We brown meat to contain the angry ghost of the animal we killed. Which increases its deliciousness.

(The vegetarian version of this dish is just you starting longingly at an empty plate. I’m sorry, veggie-heads, I love you and respect you but it’s possible to make one helluva veggie-only chili, this way ain’t one of them.)

Brown the meat on all sides. Laugh as it sizzles. Taunt the angry beast-wraith within.

Take the meat out once the beast-wraith has been contained.

Now, it’s time to bring liquids into the equation.

This demands beer, first and foremost.

You don’t want to use something super-bitter because that bitterness will linger like that last guest at a party who doesn’t understand you just want to go to bed and masturbate to drunken incompletion. But you also don’t want to use something without much flavor. I see people sometimes advocating cooking with undrinkable beer like Budweiser and I was like, “If I don’t want to drink it, I don’t want it hanging out with my food, either.” And Budweiser isn’t really beer, anyway, it’s llama urine. And not even good llama urine — it’s all watered-down.

So: maybe Guinness. I used a pilsner. One that didn’t have a strong bite but had a great beer flavor just the same. Hoppy without tasting grumpy.

About two cups of that goes into the pot. Use the beer to scrape up any meaty bits from the bottom of the pan. Some call this “deglazing,” but I call it “scrumptifying.” I don’t call it that, I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just say things. I might be drunk right now. YOU DON’T JUDGE ME.

Then, you want another two cups of liquid. Some manner of broth or stock or animal juices. Believe it or not, I didn’t have any beef or chicken stock on hand so I used vegetable stock (gasp!) and it really worked well. Like I said: two cups.

Return the meat gently to the pot. This isn’t the time to try to be a basketball star because if by some fortune you make the shot you will probably scald yourself and your pets with napalm broth. Sounds funny now, but it’s not funny.

Here’s where I add all the magical chili seasonings.

I don’t measure. Just assume I mean “use a whole lot of these spices.” (You will have an opportunity to add more later to adjust taste, by the way.)

I use:

Dark chili powder.

Cumin.

More garlic powder.

Now, the whole pot can go into the oven.

One hour per pound of meat.

Go do something while this happens. Do some karate. Train a zoo lemur to become a world-class pickpocket. Hang-glide into your neighbor’s yard, take a dump on the hood on their minivan, and bolt. You’ve got three or four hours to kill, so fill the temporal space wisely.

When the timer goes ding, return to your firecube and — USING YOUR BARE HANDS BECAUSE YOU ARE IMPERVIOUS TO HARM — lift the pot out of the oven.

What’s that? You’re not impervious to harm?

Pssh. You humans.

Whatever. Use potholders, you weak-fleshed stripling.

Rescue the meat from within the cauldron of bubbling red hell-broth. Place it on a cutting board or upon the back of your nearest captive adversary.

Put the pot of crimson deliciousness back on the stove and bring to a simmer.

The meat? You carve it how you like. It should be pull apart, so I mostly just peeled hunks away and coarsely chopped it before returning it to the blood-red slurry.

Once the meat is back in the broth, you also want to add:

Three cans of the beans of your choice.

I usually go with some kinda red kidney bean, black bean, and pinto bean.

Then I cut up a couple bell peppers — I don’t care what colors you choose, but green adds a nice color, and maybe an orange, or a yellow, or one of those hypercolor ones you find growing in the gardens of those mutant hill people out by Three Mile Island.

Then: couple squirts of ketchup, couple squirts of yellow mustard, several splashes of Worcestershire sauce. Then, after that, about 2-3 TBsp of apple cider vinegar.

Finally, one large-size can of crushed or diced tomatoes.

Season more to your taste. Salt, cumin, chili powder, whatever.

Once again bring to a simmer.

Cook for a half-hour, or until the pepper is soft, but not mushy.

Now, here’s the thing:

You’ll notice I haven’t made this spicy.

That’s because we have a toddler who doesn’t like spicy food. So, I add spice to my chili in the bowl, much as you might with a bowl of Pho. That being said, if your culinary behaviors are not imprisoned by the needs and wants of a tiny toddler person, feel free to zing it up in the pot. As you add the bell pepper, toss in some jalapenos and some red chili flake to taste.

Also: I add two more things to the bowl.

First: cheese.

Second: lime juice.

Cheese? Well, a nice sharp cheddar will do. Sharp enough to be used as a prison shiv.

The lime juice? That brightens this chili up. Gives it light and acid. (Not the kind of acid where it sizzles through the hull of your spaceship like the blood of a Xenomorph, so no worries there.)

Final comment: this chili tastes better after it’s had time to sit in the fridge overnight.

I don’t know why that is. I’m just going to assume dark magic is at work.

SO THERE YOU GO.

That’s the pot roast chili.

The meat is fall apart mmm.

The chili is savory and rich.

You will thank me.

Hopefully with cash. Cold, hard cash.