Category: The Ramble (page 86 of 479)

HEY Y’ALL, it’s me, your Pandemic Pal, your Apocalypse Acquaintance, your Coronavirus Cohort, your Quarantine… uhh, Qu… Quester? Fuck, I don’t know.

Anyway! Just some quick bits while we all hide in our submarines and spaceships:

First up, if you need a little escapism, here’s a 50% off coupon for both of my Mookie Pearl books — use coupon code MOOKIEPEARL to get 50% off both  — EDIT: I’m taking this down for now because Paypal is losing its fucking mind. I’m getting email after email of payment, and then payment canceled, and then again and again. I’ll look into it. Sigh.

If you’re into a more cathartic kind of “escapism,” then WANDERERS is now dropped a bit in e-book to $11.99 over at Amazon.

And you can find me at SyFy talking about the book and our, uhhh, current level of fuckery? Both how the book compares to reality and also about hope and community and stuff.

In other news:

MY WRITING SHED IS DONE. Needs to earn its final permit, and then I’ll snap pics and point out the trapdoors (information only available to subscribers).

That’s it for now, I guess.

And here I ask, anything I can do for you? How are you all doing? Would you like it if I did a kind of AMA here? I’m starting to wrangle some “online appearances” upcoming — some digital panels and podcasty things. But what else can I do for you? I want to be of service in this dark time.

Meanwhile:

Here is a dog.

The question is, is it glib to announce book news now? Is it gauche or otherwise in bad taste? What if that book is a book that… sometimes eerily mirrors the reality in which we’re living? Does that make it better, worse, or just weirder?

I have no idea! As I said yesterday on Twitter, this all feels like a slow-motion 9/11. Like we’re watching the planes hit, frame by frame, stretched out, instead of all at one time. But it’s also the aftermath of it, too, as if time itself has run together like wet paint.

Still. All I know is this: I’m a writer and I write books and this is what I do, and in the absence of much else, I’m gonna keep on writing books and editing books and talking about the books I have out in the world. Because otherwise I’ll just panic-eat cookies all day.

So, with that said, some book-ish news —

First, the slightly bad news: my next novel, The Book of Accidents, won’t be out this summer, as predicted. We talked about moving it to the fall, but given what is potentially to come in November, we felt it better to just… get out of the way of that trolley problem now, and move the book into 2021. I believe the expected publication date on that book is now July, 2021.

That said, the Wall Street Journal talks about how readers are, in the midst of COVID19, eagerly consuming pandemic fiction — and Wanderers gets a (fairly spoilery!) shout-out.

And I offered some brief thoughts at The Portalist about what it is to find hope in end-of-the-world stories. You can also find Mike Chen there, who would’ve been with me at the Tucson Book Fest. And here I remind you that with a lot of book events being canceled (see below for more about that), it’s a nice time to support indie bookstores and authors. Certainly I don’t mean to suggest it is your responsibility, as the difficulties going forward are likely to impact us all, but creative folks and the marketplaces for their work are often closer to the razor’s edge. The good news is, books make for an excellent dry good to stock up on for all your doomsday prepping needs! Bookshop.org (in beta) and indiebound.org are good places to start, but also I remind you that many, many indie bookstores will also sell and ship direct. Also note that another alternative (as with restaurants) is buying gift certificates from local stores to give flagging income a little goose.

(*honk*)

ANYWAY.

Finally, I can also announce that Wanderers is coming out in paperback!

If you want a little publishing industry inside baseball —

Because the book has done so well in its run so far (seriously, thank you, everyone), the initial paperback plan was to release it one year after hardcover, in July. And then I was going to maybe round that out with some bookstore and con events. But at this point, since all of that is suddenly fraught, Del Rey wisely decided to bump the paperback release sooner.

In the UK, it’ll be out on May 14th.

And in the US, it’ll be out May 19th.

Bonus: in the US it’s getting a revised cover:

* * *

WANDERERS: A Novel, out now.

A decadent rock star. A deeply religious radio host. A disgraced scientist. And a teenage girl who may be the world’s last hope. An astonishing tapestry of humanity that Harlan Coben calls “a suspenseful, twisty, satisfying, surprising, thought-provoking epic.”

A sleepwalking phenomenon awakens terror and violence in America. The real danger may not be the epidemic, but the fear of it. With society collapsing—and an ultraviolent militia threatening to exterminate them—the fate of the sleepwalkers and the shepherds who guide them depends on unraveling the mystery behind the epidemic. The terrifying secret will either tear the nation apart—or bring the survivors together to remake a shattered world.

Print: Indiebound | B&N | BAM | Amazon

eBook: Amazon | Apple Books | B&N | Kobo | Google Play | BAM

Audio: Audible | Libro.FM

HELLO [work_from_home_user], I SEE YOU HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED DUE TO [current_pandemic] AND ARE NOW SEEKING INSTRUCTIONS.

GOOD NEWS, FELLOW HOMEWORK CITIZEN. I HAVE BEEN — *clears throat* — sorry, I’ve been in these here freelance mines for oh, about 22 years now, and so I am glad to share any lessons I’ve learned along the way regarding the brave, surreal act of working from home.

Let’s just get this out of the way up front: I am no expert on this, except I am, and you should listen to me, or you’ll die. It’s dangerous to go alone, except you’re going alone, and only I can save you. *checks notes* Okay, my lawyer informs me it is not best to paint myself as an “expert” or “cult leader” in this regard, so I will add the legal disclaimer that I am not an expert, but please see my vigorous winking, wink wink wink, so you know that really, you can trust me, and only me, forever.

Anyway.

Your biggest problem right up front is a bifold peril — and you will be tempted to fall one of two ways off this horse.

The first way is this:

You will fall entirely into work. You have uploaded WORK into HOME and now, everything is work. You will start work early. You will end work but then go back to it after dinner, maybe before bed, maybe at 3AM, because you’re floating in a sensory deprivation tank of PURE, MERCILESS WORK. You’re the seven dwarves now, it’s all hi-ho hi-ho until death. Worklife has no margins. It is a land without borders and you will wander it aimlessly. And worse, your employers will smell this on you like the stench of slick, fresh fearsweat, and they’ll encourage this behavior. “Hey, can you send me that file?” your boss asks you at like, 6AM, 6PM, 9:30PM, whatever. Because the boundaries of work-home have now been chewed to dust by the termites of our current apocalyptic moment.

The second way is:

You will not be able to summon the discipline to work. Listen, being at home is — well, c’mon, it’s cozy. Cozy as hell. You have everything there! Why would you ever leave your home? You have, probably, I’m guessing, ALL THE MUSIC, and ALL THE MOVIES, and ACCESS TO DAMN NEAR ANY BOOK YOU HAVE EVER WANTED and haha, woo boy, it’s hard to summon the ability to commit to actual effort when you could just eat candy on the couch. Have you ever just sat on a couch, eating candy? Not doing anything else, just peacefully staring forward and eating candy? It’s great. It’s fucking great. Why would you work on a spreadsheet when you have a book to read? Your comfortable home bubble refuses to be punctured by the needle of work. It is turgid and unyielding and your recreation will not be denied, goddamnit.

So, your fight will be against endless work… versus no work at all. Your job will be to live in the interstitial terrain where even though you are ensconced at home, you can still create a work perimeter — a safe summoning circle in which wrestle your employment demons.

And in that vein, then, here are some tips. These tips are not facts, they are just my opinions, just the way I deal with things. And certainly my job — sorry, “job” — is less strident than standard employment. I’m ruined for public life. I’m basically a creepy magical hermit at this point. So, you are wise to distrust me.

Still. Tips. Let’s have at them.

Sure, you can masturbate. I know. I know! It’s rude to be talking this way but listen, we’d be foolish not to acknowledge the self-pleasuring elephant in the room. You’re home. Jacking or jilling it is a good stress reliever and an immune-booster, so you can do it. And it’s not like you can do it at work usually, so take the tiny salacious bump in your dopamine levels as you perform the illicit act of getting paid to tickle your bits.

Set clear boundaries. Boundaries mean time and place. That means start your day at a time, have lunch at a time, end it at a time. If your boss calls outside this time, you answer it and say, THE OFFICE IS CLOSED in a nasally voice, then drop your phone in an aquarium. Also buy an aquarium, fish are very relaxing. Place also matters — if you have a home office space, use it. If not, try not to make a too-comfy place your office space. No bed, no couch, no sex furniture, whatever. (Wait, do people not have sex furniture? Hm.) Dining room table is… enngh, okay if you gotta, but the ideal is to keep your routine home space relegated to home activities. Again, form that work perimeter. It’s like caging a T.Rex. Don’t let it out, or it’ll eat all your goats. (Wait, do people not have goats?)

Ergonomics. I’m gonna guess your job involves computers and desks and whatever — it’s not like you can be a coal miner and work from home. This shit ain’t Minecraft. So, ergonomics are going to be a thing. You will really dork up your back and neck if you don’t protect your haggard, bent prole-body. For the first several years of my freelance life I did not pay so much attention to this, and turns out, that’s not good for you. Once I concentrated on it, I eradicated endemic back pain I was having. All because I was sitting poorly. (Given that this is my professional life, I bought a very nice chair, a Steelcase Leap, which really helped. This is outside the range of what is likely cost-effective or normal if you do not intend to stay home for a long period of your work life.)

Those boundaries don’t need to be too strict. I see some folks advocating for strict adherence to work life protocol — like, say, dress for work. I’m pretty agnostic on this point and feel like, working from home should have some benefits, and one of those benefits is like, fuck yeah I’m wearing pajamas. If I have to Skype, I’ll put on a shirt and comb my hair, but you go to hell if you think I’m putting on pants for you, Dave. Working from home is still often more fun than working from an office, so you don’t need to make it a punishment. PANTS ARE A TOOL OF THE OPPRESSOR.

The blood must flow. Get up. It’s like washing your hands — make it a part of your routine. Move the blood around. Have some hand weights nearby. Take a walk, go for a run, take a bike ride. Take breaks and move your slugabed body around. Slosh your viscera. That shit needs to move or it calcifies. Bonus: blood flow moves blood to your brain, and your brain is where all the thinky thoughts happen. Blood makes the grass grow, or something, shut up. Move your blood. Get some sun. Listen to birds. Birds don’t give a fuck, they’ll just tweet and twoot and it’s nice, a good reminder that there is an existence beyond your own computer screen, your own anxiety.

Eatin’ good in the neighborhood. No, that doesn’t mean to eat Applebee’s, settle down. God, why would you do that? Though, I guess Applebee’s is not an uncommon work lunch joint. Anyway. Point is, don’t eat poorly whilst on your WORKHOME SOJOURN. Good, healthy snacks: nuts, jerky, fruits. Have you had an apple? They’re great. No to Applebees, but yes to apples. If you eat a lot of heavy carbs, or snack a lot, your brain will jog through concrete, and that makes work harder.

Beware your internet habits. These days, social media and the internet is a slick-lubed flume ride that will have you swiftly descending into a timeless, panic-fueled void. Now, to be fair, if you were a person with a computer in an office, this was a problem then, as well as now. And we all have a Panic Rectangle in our pockets to check like a rat hungry for its electric shock. Good news! At home, you might be able to install a product like Freedom, or I think there’s one called Cold Turkey? Point is, you can be proactive in dialing back your internet habits if you feel like that’s a problem for you.

Habit trackers are fine! Your schedule will feel a bit topsy-turvy. This will feel like a new normal. Nothing wrong with tracking your habits in a journal, or on a whiteboard, or carved into the walls of your cell. Something just to give you a sense of how much time you need to allocate to different things, and how certain habits have shifted.

Take sensible breaks. I like to work for 45 minutes, then break for 15.

See people. Unless you don’t like people, in which case, relish in your introversion and become the cave monster you have longed to be. But more seriously, social contact isn’t the worst thing, even if it’s Facetime or whatever. Just check in. Together, but separately!

Listen, hear me out: coffee coffee coffee. Failing that, tea. I brew my own pot. I bring it with me into the office with a mug. I guard it with a spear. I drink it and snarl.

Be forthright. Tell your employers when you’re having a problem or difficulty adjusting. Also tell your family. Don’t suffer alone. Not that I think working from home is suffering! For me, it’s amazing. But it will take some adjustment for some, and extroverts may find it hard. Just let people know.

Reclaim travel time. If you drove 30 minutes each way into work, don’t add that into your work time. Why do that to yourself? Use it similarly. Use it for books or audiobooks. For making yourself a healthy lunch. For playing video games, I dunno. Don’t give those minutes back to THE MAN, man.

Daydream. Real-talk, work is hard, the world is literal batshit right now, and so take a little time to just sit and let your brain percolate. Not in an anxious way — but willfully daydream, or meditate. Seriously. Deep breathing. Think about awesome stuff. Find grace and gratitude in quiet moments. Then masturbate one more time, for good measure.

And that’s it.

If you have more tips or tricks, toss them in the comments below.

* * *

WANDERERS: A Novel, out now.

A decadent rock star. A deeply religious radio host. A disgraced scientist. And a teenage girl who may be the world’s last hope. An astonishing tapestry of humanity that Harlan Coben calls “a suspenseful, twisty, satisfying, surprising, thought-provoking epic.”

A sleepwalking phenomenon awakens terror and violence in America. The real danger may not be the epidemic, but the fear of it. With society collapsing—and an ultraviolent militia threatening to exterminate them—the fate of the sleepwalkers and the shepherds who guide them depends on unraveling the mystery behind the epidemic. The terrifying secret will either tear the nation apart—or bring the survivors together to remake a shattered world.

Print: Indiebound | Let’s Play Books (signed) | The Signed Page | B&N | BAM | Amazon

eBook: Amazon | Apple Books | B&N | Kobo | Google Play | BAM

Audio: Audible | Libro.FM

It is with great reluctance and sadness that I’m letting you know I won’t be attending one of my favorite events, the Tucson Book Festival, next week. The desire to go is high — but I decided to withdraw for a few reasons:

First, as someone who has been prone to pneumonia in the past, I’m not exactly giddy over the idea of catching COVID-19 or even the flu that is currently spiking there — nor do I want to bring that home to my family or other vulnerable members of my local community (family, friends, school). And traveling to Tucson for me means three airpots, and four plane flights, plus hotel and such. I tend to get sick most trips, somewhat, and in fact last time I went to Tucson I came back with the flu, which progressed to pneumonia (“flumonia!”), which was my second bout with it that year. (And I gave the flu to my family. Oops?) It’s not that I expect to die (though, do we ever?), but I also will have a difficult time reckoning with a serious respiratory illness.

Second, the coronavirus is daily a rapidly shifting situation and one that remains… a little bit mysterious. For every answer, we find out two more questions about it, and though the severity is hoped to be less, we just can’t say with any certainty what this will do. The concern is multiplied by the fact our own country seems to be largely rudderless — the only trickle-down that’s happening here is the trickle of information we’re getting. While that doesn’t mean we should all panic and gargle hand sanitizer until we yarf, it probably merits caution in the sense that maybe we cut out some non-essential things. My wife was already a little freaked out with me going. So.

Third, the author panels I was on were already cut in half — a number of authors had already opted not to go on advice from family, publisher, doctors, etc.

Fourth, I’ve had some fans express reservations about going, but still wanted to go to see me… which is great, but then that makes me feel bad because I don’t want you to put yourself in harm’s way (or anxiety’s way) just to see me or get a book signed.

Fifth and finally, I’m an anxious lad who wrote a book about a pandemic.

So, with that said, I’m so sorry I won’t see you there.

I am as always glad to try to send bookplates, either to the festival in my stead, or to you directly. And certainly I hope the festival would consider having me back again in the future.

Thanks!

Be well, and wash your hands.

(No, wash them again.)

(AND STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE, CARL.)