Category: The Ramble (page 171 of 463)

So, uhh —

*clears throat*

That’s pretty cool, huh.

*wibbles*

As revealed on The Star Wars Show today.

Book’s available January 31st.

And what’s available next week?

Life Debt! Book Two! Ahhh!

*runs around swatting at invisible Sith with an imaginary lightsaber*

*hits a lamp*

*breaks a tooth*

ALSO HEY LOOK

There exists a special edition of Life Debt from Barnes & Noble — and if you procure this very special edition, you will obtain awesome posters featuring (gasp) The Millennium Falcon and (double gasp) MISTER BONES:

I’m really very geeked and love that Del Rey put these together.

Let’s see, what else?

I will be at SDCC in support of the book. I’ll post my schedule when I get it.

I’ll be at Doylestown Book Shop in Doylestown, PA promoting Invasive and Life Debt on 8/17.

And I think that’s it for now.

I HAVE NOW PERFORMED BLOGGAGE

*explodes your face with lasers*

Yesterday, I watched Batman Vs. Superman, Ultimate Edition.

Mistakes were made.

I have archived my thoughts here for you all to see them.

*disclaimer: if you’re the type of person who cannot grasp that sometimes people don’t like stuff you like or like stuff you hate and that makes you want to get on here and yell at me about it, spoiler warning: don’t bother*

Let us begin. There may be spoilers, if you can comprehend my gabble.

* * *

this movie’s gonna be so dark I can barely see anything, isn’t it

“There was a time above… a time before… there were perfect things… diamond absolutes. But things fall… things on earth. And what falls… is fallen. In the dream, it took me to the light. A beautiful lie.” — what the sweet hot hell does any of that mean

OH THANK GOD I never knew how Batman’s became Batman omg his parents died I HAD NO IDEA ha ha lol jk —

Seriously, though, do we need to revisit this particular point of torture porn every time we have a Batman movie. We get it. We know. And by the way, Batman needs to be more than just the death of his parents. It’s a huge event in a boy’s life, but it’s myopic to focus on this again and again and again and again. Has nothing else of value ever happened to him?

(wait, I like the conceit of the gun’s hammer breaking the pearl strand though — I know the pearls overall are Miller’s inclusion, but the hammer breaking them, is that Snyder’s? Gotta give Snyder points for style)

(also as a sidenote, we need to get miles away from Frank Miller’s view of things in comic book film and TV — let’s find some competing visions from other creators, yeah?)

oh wait we’re in africa

I’m sure this will be handled really gracefully and not at all racistly and with all the gentle aplomb of Michael Bay stuffing your grandmother full of explosives and using her to blow up an M1 Abrams tank

OH GOD IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME ZACK SNYDER IS KINDA LIKE A MORE PRETENTIOUS MICHAEL BAY — like, Bay is Budweiser, but Snyder is a super-bitter IPA that claims to be craft-brewed but it’s really just made in the same tank as the Budweiser beer

jimmy olsen is

OMG jimmy olsen just got got

that seems really cynical

LIKE HERE IS A BELOVED CHARACTER FROM SUPERMAN HISTORY ha ha ha fuck you fan-nerds I just put a bullet in his head BOOM who will I kill next OH LOOK IT’S KRYTPO AND ACE THE BAT-HOUND AND wham I just drove them over with the Batmobile motherfuckers oh it’s Aunt May from SPIDER-MAN how is she in this movie IT DON’T MATTER because I just pushed her in front of a city bus and we watched her die in super-slick 4K slow-mo

god it’s really early in this movie and I have too many thoughts

let’s move forward a bit

*clock spins, calendar pages fly off the wall*

JESUS GOD THIS MOVIE IS 47 HOURS LONG

so here are some observations

first, Snyder hates Superman

hates him — like, just detests the very idea of Superman

He treats Superman as if he’s this angry, aloof Narcissist who really doesn’t like having his actions questioned while at the same time being perfectly comfortable questioning everyone else’s actions — he’s dour-faced and full of rage and not much fun

Which is the other thing — this movie is a humorless, joy-sucking vampire

Like, there’s almost zero levity, no jokes, no light, no warmth, just the dark shine of Zack Snyder’s soul katana slicing its way across your heart and your love of these characters

Batman has already killed a buncha dudes, either directly or by proxy

And the dialogue is inflated and pompous without saying much — it’s like that opening line, There was a time above… All of it is wrought in such a way to sound dramatic and thick with theme, but it’s hollow word salad garble-dookie that actually says very little at all, and does very little for character motivations.

Why are these characters doing anything?

Why is Lex Luthor doing any of this?

oh god he’s annoying

oh hey it’s Wonder Woman

oh hey she’s gone again

I’M ON HOUR 52 PLEASE SEND LIQUOR AND HOAGIES

this actually really reminds me of the Transformers movies — it takes a beloved geek fan property and does a lot of smashy-smashy action while pretending it’s about these BIG HEAVY IDEAS and while simultaneously milking any of the actual fun out of it because if it feels fun then it’s not GRR HMM SERIOUS BUSINESS

hey remember how much fun Guardians of the Galaxy was

or any of the original Superman movies

I mean jesus this movie makes WINTER SOLDIER look like ANT-MAN. Winter Soldier is full of sturm and drang and yet the characters get to have character moments and be funny and tell jokes and even in the middle of fighting each other they shine brightly whereas these superheroes are mostly just dull clods of hard dirt thrown at one another again and again

this movie is just a series of scenes

I’m not sure they really connect

They lead into one another but they don’t have narrative chain of consequence — they’re more like dominoes falling than storytelling

I mean, there’s a plot, but that’s all, it’s just a sequence of events

And my, what an incomprehensible sequence it is

WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

I’m trying to figure that out again and again — I’m sitting here thinking, what is happening, why is it happening, why are these characters doing the things they’re doing, and I got nothin

tired

so tired

ON HOUR 67 PLEASE SEND SUCCOR IN THE FORM OF A SMOTHERING PILLOW

okay, I’m being over dramatic — I’ll say this for Snyder — first, he’s stylish as a motherfucker, and if he were simply directing it rather than actually imprinting himself upon it, this movie might work with a different script — second, he actually does all right by Batman. In fact, I’d argue he really never wanted to make a Superman movie and was just doing that so he could sneak his way into the Batman canon. He handles Batman well, and Affleck is actually a rock-fucking-solid Bats. (I’d also argue that wossname is a very good Superman, too, were he given a better, cooler, funnier, more noble superman to play.)

That scene in the capitol is pretty cool, if grim

why am I doing this

wait is that the flash

what did he even say

okay he’s gone again? is this a flashpoint thing?

how does lex luthor know all this shit

he knows everything, he knows who these characters are, he knows everything there is to know about Zod and the Kryptonian ship — he knows everything, and yet the one thing I don’t know is why he’s doing any of this

It’s like Luthor is filling a trope — I AM VILLAIN AND SO I WILL DO VILLAINY IN THE FORM OF AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND WILDLY OVER-COMPLICATED SCHEME

I mean seriously, his whole plot is — what? I can’t even talk it out, because I feel like it makes no sense. He wants Batman and Superman to fight. So he spends limitless resources and pulls a thousand puppet strings to make that happen, but couldn’t he have done that faster? His whole end goal is STEAL SUPERMAN’S MOM AND THREATEN SUPERMAN WITH HER DEATH TO GET HIM TO DO WHAT HE WANTS. So do that, instead, dum-dum. But the larger point is, why? Why does he have a hate-boner for Superman? Does he hate Batman, too? What is the end game? What is the motivation? How does he know anything at all about Doomsday? Why would he even unleash Doomsday? I need a clear line of thought between his scheme and how the result benefits him — this film has no interest in letting me know the stakes or the motivations, it’s mostly just a 179-hour excuse to get Superman and Batman to punch each other

and can we talk about that

can we talk about how even that was an epic letdown

LET’S SEE HERE, uhh, Batman has a MECHA SUIT (cool) and Kryptonite canisters and a fucking Kryptonite spear — and his opening move is like, machine guns and sonic waves? And Superman’s opening move is a hard shove? Superman could easily oh I dunno, wrap a girder around Batman’s suit and be like, “Now we talk,” and Batman’s opening move should be like HEY HAVE SOME KRYPTO GAS AND NOW A SPEAR IN YOUR CHEST except why is he trying to kill superman? Like, murder him? What’s the logic there? Superman is a god-like figure, but mostly does good in the world — like, he’s not flying around squeezing kittens to death. Why is Batman’s response to MURDER HIM? Not trap him, not stop him — but straight up impale him? Batman is a fucking psycho. (And by the way, the whole SUPERMAN MAY HAVE KILLED THAT AFRICAN VILLAGE conceit is completely toothless. It is unconvincing that anyone would buy it or that there is any evidence at all — further, it barely matters if people believe it, as it doesn’t really affect Lex’s scheme in the first damn place.)

The resultant fight between the two superheroes is so brutal and bestial — it’s these two titans throwing each other through things instead of trying to end the fight. Then when Batman is triumphant, he drags Superman around torturously. Batman hates Superman. Snyder hates Superman. OMG ZACK SNYDER IS BATMAN

so back to doomsday

spoiler warning: doomsday is just one of the cave trolls from LORD OF THE RINGS

it’s like Snyder just downloaded a Cave Troll Program and was like, “boom, doomsday, done”

maybe they ran out of money

ugh the women in this movie are mostly just props

Lois starts out strong but really does nothing and affects little and is a hostage in the end

Martha has mom lessons to grant but says nothing and does nothing and is a hostage in the end

Wonder Woman is cool — aaaaaand utterly devoid of anything resembling character or agency — she just shows up to be cool with her sword and that’s literally it. No sense of who she is at all. She is the epitome of the Strong Female Character — OH SHE’S SEXY AND HAS A SWORD AND CAN FIGHT SUPER-RAD AND SHE’S COOL AND ALOOF AND

oh did we mention she’s totally secondary to the men?

the movie is over now

superman is dead-ish

but he probably didn’t have to die?

like, couldn’t he have just given that spear to Wonder Woman instead of being a sacrificial martyr — like, “HEY, WONDER WOMAN, YOU SEEM REALLY STRONG AND AWESOME HERE CAN YOU DELIVER THIS SPEAR INTO THAT CAVE TROLL’S RUBBERY CGI BODY, COOL, ME AND BATS ARE GONNA BE BACK HERE SIPPING SOME HERBAL TEA”

okay hey it’s a funeral now

batman is all like, I FAILED MY GOOD FRIEND SPIDERMAN and wonder woman is like HIS NAME WAS SUPERMAN and Batman is like SHUT UP WHO ASKED YOU HIS NAME IS CLERK KORNT AND HE IS SPIDERMAN AND I FAILED THIS GUY WHO IS MY FRIEND EVEN THOUGH I HATE HIM AND TRIED TO KILL HIM BUT IT’S COOL BECAUSE OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME AND SO NOW MARTHA IS OUR SAFEWORD WHEN WE SEXPLAY

and then they’re like, NOW WE FORM THE JUSTICE LEAGUE BECAUSE I DUNNO, WHO FUCKING CARES, IT’S IN THE SCRIPT, CALL ZAN AND JAYNA AND THAT FUCKING PURPLE MONKEY IT’S TIME TO GRIMDARK THE WONDER FRIENDS — ZAN IS A FASCIST AND JAYNA IS A HEROIN ADDICTED SUPERMODEL AND THE MONKEY HAS A ZOMBIE VIRUS and wonder woman just roooooolls her eyes

Batman says: “Men are still good. We fight, we kill, we betray one another, but we can rebuild. We can do better. We will. We have to” which is a lot different from when he said “I bet your parents taught you that you mean something, that you’re here for a reason. My parents taught me a different lesson, dying in the gutter for no reason at all… They taught me the world only makes sense if you force it to” and also when he said “Twenty years in Gotham, Alfred; we’ve seen what promises are worth. How many good guys are left? How many stayed that way?”

so earlier he’s a cynical jerk and somehow now he has hope for mankind and the good in all men but that transition literally has no cause or reason

earlier he also says: “You’re not brave… men are brave. You say that you want to help people, but you can’t feel their pain… their mortality… it’s time you learn what it means to be a man.” wait is Bats an MRA –

BATMANPAIN

ugh jesus why did I do this to myself

the movie is over

I really don’t know what happened

I want to describe it to you — like, not the plot, but the WHYs of the plot

and every time I try, a line of blood creeps out of my nose

It’s not that the movie was bad? It sounds bad. But parts of it are interesting and hang together well, and Snyder has a directorial style that I actually like — but he always seems to hang it on movies that are just utter shitpants. I mean, SUCKER PUNCH may very well be my least favorite movie of all time? And yet, his DAWN OF THE DEAD reboot is masterful. But this one, B VS S, it’s about a thousand hours too long. It’s not fun, it’s not funny, it seems to actively hate the characters or at least have a huge erection for MAKING SUPERHEROES SERIOUS. It’s sound and fury but signifies nothing. I can’t tell you who these characters are, or what they want, or why they are who they are. Everybody is intractable and ego-driven and nobody has a conversation — in Winter Soldier, at least the characters spoke to one another. Conflict came out of those conversations. Here I don’t even know where the conflict originates.

OH WELL

fartman versus spooperman dawn of just-ass ha ha ha am I right

*sob*

I heard the Ultimate Edition made the movie better

maybe it did

oh god what was it before

I should’ve listened to my own damn advice

I’m gonna go build a time machine to get those four years of my life back

bye now

*crawls inside a cardboard box*

Yesterday I told a sordid tale of joggerly woe on Twitter, and the request came (to my great surprise) to Storify it for all to see. So, I have done exactly that.

Please to enjoy this TMI cautionary tale.

Last night, I had insomnia.

It’s not a usual problem, and I don’t expect it to continue, but last night — it indeed plagued me, and it was the kind that unspooled itself further every time I thought HEY I’M NOT SLEEPING AND I’D SURE LIKE TO SLEEP.

So, I think it’s appropriate to make today’s theme one of INSOMNIA.

Insomnia must figure in your story in some way. Feel free to be flexible or creative in how it applies. In fact, creativity and flexibility are desirable qualities for a fiction writer, mm?

Length: ~1000 words

Due by: July 8th, Friday, noon EST.

Post online somewhere.

Drop a link back here so we can read it.

DON’T SLEEP

GET WRITING

NEWSBITS INCOMING.

*klaxons sound*

1.) You will discover that Atlanta Burns, my very trigger-warningy YA about a teenage detective-slash-vigilante, is on sale for your Kindlemachine today at $1.99.

2.) You may further discover that the sequel to that book, Atlanta Burns: The Hunt, also happens to be a wee $1.99 for your Kindlemachine today. (Also: trigger warning.)

3.) If you ever wanted to read a Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier story written by me, drawn by Juanan Ramirez, well, click right here for a Marvel Infinite comic.

4.) HYPERION #4 IS OUT WOO FUNHOUSE AND WORM-GUY AND BEE-CLOWN AND REVENGE ON THE DARK CARNIVAL AND AHHHHHH. Art by Nik Virella! Cover by Elizabeth Torque! Colors by Romulo Fajardo, Jr! I’m excited! Are you excited! Loud noises!

5.) Publishers Weekly said a very nice thing about Invasive: “With this cinematic thriller’s unusual setting, cinematic horror imagery, twisty plot, and grittily determined protagonist, fans of Michael Crichton will feel right at home.”

6.) RT Book Reviews said what may be the very best thing about Invasive: “Chuck Wendig can congratulate himself on a stunning new achievement: becoming the architect of all of my future nightmares.” (Hold on, I have to make a quick note to all my business cards. Let’s see. Chuck Wendig. Architect Of Your Future Nightmares. Good perfect there we go.)

7.) You can preorder Invasive now. You should preorder Invasive now lest you be covered in a tide of man-eating ants. Preorder: Amazon | Indiebound | B&N.

8.) Also, Star Wars: Life Debt, the Aftermath sequel? Holy Jar-Jar, that comes out in less than two weeks. You can preorder that, too: Amazon | Indiebound | B&N.

9.) Invasive launch event: Doylestown Bookshop, August 17th.

AND I’M OUT.

*puts on springheel boots and jumps away, having stolen your lunch, you fool*

Emmie Mears is the the author of the Ayala Storme series, the first book being Storm in a Teacup. Emmie had a post about Pride and being a political entity and also being an artist, and I’m glad to host them here. 

* * *

Before: I am small and squalling. They pronounce me Baby Girl. There is a binary and I am on it, like a chubby, black-haired, grey-eyed point on a finite line with two defined ends. Later I am older and headstrong. I want to be an astronaut or a sewer cleaner (shut up; the TMNT lived in sewers) or a professional hang glider. I am handed things I am supposed to like. I am given a role. It chafes. I feel adrift, chaotic, alone. I try to make myself fit and fail.

After: I have examined this binary and found it wanting. I have no place in it and never have. There are magic words in our languages, words that give form to thought and emotion, identity. I taste the word “agender” and it feels like relief. My partner embraces my queerness. I’m given space, and in those corners that felt so cramped before, in after I can breathe. I don’t have to be sugar or spice or anything nice. I can be starfire and primordial muck. I can be covered in algae and shining with the light of a million comets all at once. My body is only the vehicle for my brain, and my brain has no gender.

Before: I have two mothers in rural Montana. Matthew Shepard is murdered one state away, and I am old enough to feel it. It is too easy to picture. Wyoming’s face is Montana’s blood-relative. I know why it happened; I feel it in every muttered “dyke” someone applies to my family and it makes its home in my skin. I resent the treatment of my family, but I feel helpless staring into the maw of it. I whisper to myself in the quiet of night that because I am attracted to boys, therefore I am straight. That that will make me safe. This thought is incomplete.

After: I write a book about grief after a beloved cousin dies suddenly and tragically on the eve of his baby’s first birthday. That book is a thing of subconsciousness and inexplicable magic. It’s about losing control and never really having it. In that book I look at the queer characters, the queer community, the fear of losing family and fortune. Something in me whispers again, “You are not whole.” I know what I am missing. I fill in the gap of my younger self’s statement. I am attracted to boys and girls and both and neither. The thought fills me with old fear that tastes like dust and makes my asthmatic lungs clench on it. I think of Matthew Shepard. Am I brave enough?

Before: I go on a date with a woman, and wherever we go, men yell at us. They act entitled to our time and our bodies. I want to hold her hand, but I am afraid to ask. There is a secret language of attraction we speak in public. Flirting in code, ignoring the fear but ever-aware of it. If I kissed her goodnight on the street in front of those men who yell, would I make it safely to my car? I don’t know.

After: Forty-nine beautiful queer people, fifty-three more. They take bullets made of homophobia and half die of this disease, this infection that has poisoned so many lives and is transferred by force, by pastors and pulpits, by the slow seepage and steepage of culture. For days I cannot keep the grief at bay. I have seen this play out in hundreds of characters on the television screen, in the pages of books. Is there a happily ever after for those of us who bear the letters of that acronym like badges? It’s Pride Month. Of what am I proud? Can I be proud when this world still shovels shame upon us? Can I take her hand?

This happened in a place where we go to dance. Where we don’t need codes to flirt. Where we can be wild and free and without fear.

Fear came to that place.

We deserve to live.

***

There are temporal shifts that happen throughout our lives. Sometimes we see them as they happen. Sometimes we only see them when we look behind.

During, Part I: I meet beautiful friends who are genderfluid, genderqueer. They use the singular they or neopronouns or Ye Olde Pronouns with defiance of cultural expectation. They teach me those magic words that give form to my own feelings. They sing soft songs of community and welcome. They make a space for me.

During, Part II: I write an urban fantasy series, and my protagonist’s female friend is in love with her. I need that story. I need it. So I write it. I need to fall in love with a woman, so Ayala does for me. I write that story and step out of the first of many closets. I do it in tiny steps, so subtly many people later tell me they barely noticed.

During, Part III: The Pulse shooting in Orlando was a pivot point. There is Before Orlando, and there is After Orlando. It is the spectre we all know could come for us, and in that is absolute terror. It is why I am afraid to take her hand on the street. It is why Matthew Shepard died. We all know it could be us.

But it doesn’t have to be.

It is an uncomfortable thing, to have a book coming out a week after something that hits you and hollows you out, confirms fears you knew to be true. It is yet more uncomfortable when it is a book about a queer protagonist. It’s a personal book. It’s a political book, even though at the same time it’s not. It’s about a woman saving the world in the face of hell, of navigating moral grey areas, of getting covered in demon slime and tearing through hordes of hellkin like her blades are part of her hands.

But it is a political book because my identity is political. Until the lawmakers don’t seek to limit my rights solely based upon my identity, my body, and my loves, it will remain thus. It is also a personal series, because it is the series of my own coming out and a series I needed to write to see a queer hero who fights things that aren’t that poisonous homophobia. I erased as much of that from Ayala’s world as I could. I wanted to write a world where we could put that burden down for a while. Where we could just exist without being objectified or sexualised or threatened on that basis. There’s plenty of other things for Ayala to worry about, believe me.

Our world could be more like that one. I want to believe it gets better for us. I lived through the AIDS crisis in the 80s and 90s and watched gay men who were like uncles to me die. My tiny child fingers sewed squares on their quilts. I watched Ellen come out and slowly lose her show. And now look where she is. Look where we are.

Being total Hamiltrash, I can’t help but think of the myriad meanings inherent in one line of that musical: “Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.”

I am alive. I am out. I think that it is important for me to be out and alive and visible right now. I am lucky to be alive right now.

Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.

If you need a story about a queer hero, if you need Ayala like I needed her, if you need Mira Gonzalez like I needed her, then I wrote these books for you every bit as much as I wrote them for me.

Peace, bunnies, and rainbow flags.

Happy Pride, and fuck shame.

* * *

Emmie Mears is an author, actor, and person of fannish pursuits. They speak four languages and hold a degree in history, which means they can tell you their anteater is sick in German and rattle off Polish tongue twisters. Emmie is proudly queer, agender, and a knight of the singular they. Emmie is the author of five adult novels and is open to bribery in the form of sushi, bubble tea, and just about any variation of cheese on carbs.

They spend most of their time opening wormholes and studying fantastical wildlife.

Emmie may or may not secretly be a car.

You can find Emmie at their website, or on Twitter.