It’s that time again, word-nerds.
The comments on this post is now an open forum where you can drop a paragraph of your work-in-progress (aka “WIP”) — limited to ~100 words or so. Pop it in the comments and others may offer some critique — critique not meaning, “Tear it to shreds,” but rather, “An evaluation of the good and bad elements of the work.”
(This is salient, by the way, as this week I’ll have a short post about critique.)
The one rule is:
If you post a paragraph for critique…
You must then also offer critique for someone else’s paragraph.
Quid pro quo, Clarice.
As to what paragraph you choose?
You might choose an opening paragraph, or a paragraph that’s giving you some trouble.
Good luck.
Be kind.
Be constructive, not destructive.
Go forth and help one another.
travis says:
“Technology is evolution in fast forward.” R@z0r said into my ear. “Don’t think.” I stood in the darkness of Neosado as jackals crushed the huge composite dumpster below me. Jackals are humans with the jacked up genes of animals made to look monstrous.
I watched as little girl with brown hair ran under the corner I was in. Three Jackals followed her with their snouts toward the ground. They sort of galloped as the ran not sure if they wanted to be two legged or four. The girl slammed her body between to tight plastic bars in the drain. She just made it out of their reach in the tunnel before it stopped. I had them on thermals, and I could see all the data pulling in over the net. In the heart of the city above us drones floated over and controlled many things. Down here on the bottom is was kill or be killed.
February 16, 2015 — 7:30 AM
Andy Cowley says:
‘Jackals are humans with jacked up genes of animal made to look monstrous.’
I think you’d be better working this bit of exposition in a bit less intrusively. As it is, it breaks the flow and takes you out of the story in a jarring fashion. In the next section, when you mention the Jackals chasing the girl, you could probably work it in there. Something like:
‘Three Jackals followed her, their monstrous, genetically-modified snouts to the ground. Hard to believe they were human once.’
February 16, 2015 — 8:40 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Ditto the bit about the exposition sentence.
February 16, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Catherine King, Author says:
Hi Travis, this seems like a fascinating story. One part that threw me, however, were the jackals. You have a sentence that says “Jackals are humans with the jacked up genes of animals made to look monstrous.” I think if you are more descriptive of these creatures in your action sequence, where the jackals are crushing the dumpster, you might not need that definition.
When you write that the jackals had their snouts to the ground, but I thought they were humans…it was a bit confusing. Maybe if you are super descriptive of how they appear when they are doing these various actions, it would create a better picture in the reader’s mind. That’s just my 2 cents, but I’m not big into Sci-fi. That being said, this is very interesting.
February 16, 2015 — 8:45 AM
Roo says:
I didn’t like your line about the drones. It was too general. I’m assuming you don’t want any comments on typo’s, but you shouldn’t submit it without giving it a good once over. I thought the piece read well. It was a good last line.
Under the corner where I was… doesn’t tell me a lot either. I can’t picture it.
February 16, 2015 — 8:47 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Overall I liked the concepts presented in the first paragraph. However, I feel you need to slow down the pace. Yes, I know you want to get to the meat of your story, but this is your introduction to your world. Let readers get immersed instead of overwhelmed.
Your third sentence feels forced to me. Try incorporating those concepts into the second sentence. For instance:
Below me, in the darkness of Neosado, jackals, monstrous humans infused with the DNA of animals, crushed a huge composite dumpster, looking for food. They sniffed, and yipped when one of their number found a promising tidbit. Snarls erupted then; a scuffle for the prize. But my attention was distracted by a little brown-haired girl who scurried to my currently assigned corner.
Okay, I included a little more information too, and maybe you should too.
February 16, 2015 — 8:57 AM
Peter Hentges says:
I find myself not caring about this viewpoint character. He or she doesn’t seem to be emotionally connected to this scene. How does she feel about the girl? About the jackals? It’s all a very clinical, detached description. (Also found the “@” in Razor a little distracting, but some of that is the typography of the website.)
February 16, 2015 — 9:18 AM
Kiyakiy says:
Something else you might want to mention is what the drones are controlling. “Many things” is very vague and I think it would help to put in an example or two.
February 16, 2015 — 11:24 AM
Mozette says:
Okay, this is from my most recent book called ‘Angel Love’. It’s an Angelic Romance with plenty of conflict, Michael and Lucifer have it out, God plays a big part and yet…. I’m not religious, and I did my homework.
There really is nothing to go on with the legends or law in the way of Angels, but gobs of it when it comes to Demons… absolutely gobs! Enjoy.
Chapter Two
Are you sure Haniel has been here?” Raphael was impatient as they peered through the window.
“Yes.” He grumbled pulling on the vessel’s clothing uncomfortably, “If we weren’t in these mud monkeys, we’d be able to see inside this… what are these places?” he looked around the front of the house.
Raphael gave him a withering look, “How long has it been since you were on Earth, Michael?”
The angel sniffed, “Around … um…” he shrugged looking away so his brother didn’t seen his face flush, “A while.”
The young Hispanic man laughed, “You mean to say you’ve been watching from way up there and haven’t bothered to come here to actually see how the Human Race has evolved?” he walked to his brother, “Tell me how long has it been?”
Michael looked at him as his brother tried to keep eye contact, “Like I said, a while.”
“Michael, let me read you and find out.” He took his shoulder firmly and turned him to face him, forcing the redhead to look into his eyes. Raphael felt his mind enter his brother’s and traced Michael’s time line back before Australia was invaded by the English, before anyone came to these shores… he watched as Michael’s mind took them both back to when the Mayflower was making its journey to America. He could smell the old, rotten wood beneath them both; feel the salt spray break over the sides onto the deck of the ship. This was the first time Michael was on Earth, to watch over the crew, only because Father had ordered him to keep them well enough to make the journey. Raphael couldn’t read anymore as Michael shoved him away, “Get off me.”
“You haven’t been here for over five hundred years, and you wonder why Haniel wanted to watch out for one human.” Raphael shook his head, “Brother, you missed out on so much.”
Michael snapped a glare at him, “Father had me working in Heaven.”
February 16, 2015 — 7:36 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Interesting setting. I like the relationship between Raphael and Michael; at least the bits we can glean here. The interjection of “young Hispanic man” to describe Raphael (or what I’m suspecting is the “vessel” he’s using) felt a little clunky, more detached from the rest of the point of view. I was confused about how Raphael could have a reference point when going back on Michael’s timeline to know it was before the English colonization of Australia when the event he witnessed was Michael on the Mayflower going to North America. The events seemed so separated that it threw me. Michael’s last bit of dialog seems more contrite than angered to my ear.
February 16, 2015 — 9:26 AM
Mozette says:
I see your viewpoint. But seeing Michael didn’t want Raphael looking into his mind to start with, it would be all over the place – and it has been a long time since he was on Earth as well, his timeline of the place would be mixed-up too.
I’ve had to do my research into Angels – and believe me, there’s not much to go on – and all the research says that Michael was ‘the Good Son’… he also acts a little high and mighty as well around other Angels.
February 17, 2015 — 6:35 PM
Christopher Robin Negelein says:
I’d suggest making the flashback scene tighter. And a technical thing, evolution takes much longer than 500 years. Maybe simply say “How much Humanity has changed.”
February 16, 2015 — 2:56 PM
Mozette says:
Oohh… thank you. I’ll look into doing that. I have to re-read it and make it better, and less wordy.
February 17, 2015 — 6:36 PM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
I wake with a thunderous, blood curdling scream I didn’t realize my throat and lungs were capable of. It was a dream, a dream I thought I wanted. I go to open my eyes, but they are open already, and everything is black. I push my feet out from my body but my legs can’t stretch far. I reach my arms out to either side and my fingers meet hot metal grids. I try to stand but more metal thrashes against the top of my head. I’m in a cage, a small cage, and I can’t even see it. And I can’t see what’s outside of it. That’s what scares me the most.
My breaths are fast and hard, I’m barely taking in air. I quickly crouch, hugging my shaking knees to my chest. I’m in the center of the cage, as far from the sides as possible, but I’m still completely exposed in this infinite darkness. I drop onto my side. I don’t know if my eyes are shut or open because everything is black regardless. I think they’re shut, and that’s how I want them to be, so my eyes can be protected by my eyelids. I need to escape from this. I need to sleep. I will willingly fall back into my last agonizing dream to escape this living nightmare.
February 16, 2015 — 7:53 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Definitely some effective personal horror here. Close POV and some good sensory details. I’d like to have a few more: How hot are the cage sides, do they burn when you touch them? Is it only the sides that are hot? I’m told the character is breathing fast and hard, but what does that feel like? What is the quality of the air being breathed? Does it have an odor at all? I like what you’ve got, don’t get me wrong, was just thinking it could be ramped up even more.
February 16, 2015 — 9:32 AM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
Thank you so much for your reply, I will definitely ramp it.
February 16, 2015 — 10:08 AM
Saxon Kennedy says:
I agree. There’s room for more without being overwhelming. I like where you’re going-hope it goes well.
February 22, 2015 — 9:43 PM
Deanmcsmith says:
I’d lose everything right up to where you write ‘My breaths are fast…’ This is a great starting point. The protagonist can then describe the cage, last memories and desire. Due to the immediacy of what you’ve written it feels like a short story, and it’s certainly one that I’d like to read.
February 16, 2015 — 9:36 AM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
Thank you for your reply, I’m really happy you would want to read it.
February 16, 2015 — 10:10 AM
Lauren Simonis says:
This scene intrigues me. I really like the pace and the description – I can really feel the sense of urgency and confusion that the character feels.
One thing that felt repetitive was discussing whether your character’s eyes are open or not. You have the following sentences that kind of contradict each other:
-I go to open my eyes, but they are open already, and everything is black.
-I don’t know if my eyes are shut or open because everything is black regardless. I think they’re shut, and that’s how I want them to be, so my eyes can be protected by my eyelids. [I also think that the very end of this part, “so my eyes can be protected by my eyelids” feels unnecessary. Maybe just mention that shut means protecting from seeing what you don’t want to see?]
February 16, 2015 — 9:37 AM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
Thank you for reading and your really helpful comment, the eye thing is a bit confusing.
February 16, 2015 — 10:12 AM
Bill Rose says:
Claustrophobia to the max. Pitch black and no where to go. Can’t wait to see how she gets out.
February 19, 2015 — 7:29 PM
shauna says:
Sida was the only woman George bedded who never asked about his scars. So naturally, he told her everything.
He lay prone across the feathered mattress of her bed with his head pressed against a pillow, “blown there,” he told her, “by a gust of wild prairie wind.” He liked to talk like that late at night, when the air was heavy and wet and the tree frogs were unruly in their mating, making loud snorting sounds just outside her bedroom window.
George hated the tree frogs. They had six rows of razor-sharp teeth, cadmium-coloured eyes, and rough, warty skin that burned to the touch. The frogs reminded him of brothers. Not her brother, he was quick to tell Sida, but Rose’s brother, back in Spring Creek. Sida’s brother was more of a snake.
February 16, 2015 — 7:59 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
I really like this a lot. In just a few sentences you manage to give us a sense of these people and a sense of the surroundings. I like the way you describe things and your choice of word flow. It’s easy to read yet intriguing. Based off this little bit here this is something I would want to read more of. Best of luck to you.
February 16, 2015 — 9:19 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Something about George being the active person, having “bedded” Sida, that made him being on her bed feel odd to me. Likely just a personal quirk in my head. I’m feeling a little confused about the point of view. When you say George “liked to talk like that late at night,” it sounds like something Sida has learned but then with “he was quick to tell Sida” we snap back to George’s thinking. Does he tell Sida her brother is more of a snake or just think that? I like the bits of setting that you’ve worked in here in short order and am intrigued about how the relationships you’ve hinted at will be expanded.
February 16, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Stephanie Anders says:
This is good– character and setting really come through. I stumbled a bit with the POV too, but have a feeling that the rhythm of the writing could solve that. Also, simply adding “he found himself telling her” (which isn’t as active) or “So, as usual” or “uncharacteristically.” Something that indicates we are in his head in the second line.
February 16, 2015 — 9:47 AM
SKSwords says:
I really like this. You set up a certain quirkiness in the character of George right off the bat, yet there is something about his willingness to talk about a difficult subject simply because he wasn’t asked that is instantly relatable. I’m drawn in – I’d like to know more.
I also really enjoyed your description of the frogs. It sets up a great visual for this scene, and with the characteristics you’ve given them, I can see you’re starting to world-build.
February 16, 2015 — 11:49 AM
shauna says:
I think your critiques have identified something I’ve struggled with myself but couldn’t quite put my finger on. I will work it out. Please keep it coming…..and thank you!
February 16, 2015 — 12:07 PM
Heretic Husband (@HereticHusband) says:
First paragraph is perfect. Love it.
Second paragraph – description of tree frogs bumping uglies takes me out of the narrative. Good, but until then your description is more like that of typical fantasy – scarred men bedding women on feather mattresses.
Third paragraph – I had to look up what color cadmium is. Also it has a science-fictiony feel to it – like saying ‘plutonium colored eyes’. Also not sure why frogs would remind someone of brothers.
February 16, 2015 — 2:06 PM
deb lacativa says:
So given the frogs are quite alien, should we understand that the mattress is feathered on the outside, or is it a luxurious, feather (stuffed) mattress.
February 16, 2015 — 10:54 PM
shauna says:
Lol. The frogs aren’t alien. This is historical fiction not scifi. Hmmmm. Guess i need to address the frogs.
February 17, 2015 — 8:58 AM
D.C. Perry says:
I read at leat the first few words of every entry here, and yours is the only one that caught me so thouroughly, so quickly. These seems to me like it’d be a really great story, a good sort of one that would wrap me up in the characters and stir up my emotions quite well. It gives a great insight on the main character’s personalities just on the get-go, and it never once felt like you were trying too hard. Nice work.
February 17, 2015 — 8:51 PM
James Orion says:
She walked another twenty minutes, the crowd and trail both growing all the while, before she emerged from the underbrush to a semi-cleared tract of land housing a ramshackle market that surrounded one of the massive unseen spire’s lower structure. The basement of the building was a sprawl of ancient iron beams rusting away where the water sealant foam needed replacing that would never happen. Vines twisted throughout the belly of the building, giving it the look of a structure long since abandoned. The lattice work of the spire’s under pilings always reminded her of some mechanical spider’s web turned to mold. She assumed the architects knew what they were doing when they designed the flood resistant substructures of the city, but watching the rust and undergrowth continue to accumulate daily gave Meredith a healthy dose of skepticism. As far as she knew, a spire hadn’t fallen in the city in over fifty years. But it seemed only a matter of time.
February 16, 2015 — 8:14 AM
Stephanie Anders says:
This has good description but could use some tightening up. For instance: the water sealant foam, that would never be replace, had (crumbled, melted, etc.) The first sentence is easily two sentences. I’d end with “market.” Good luck! Have fun.
February 16, 2015 — 9:42 AM
Stephanie Anders says:
Excuse the typo, I need more coffee.
February 16, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Don’t we all?
February 16, 2015 — 11:51 AM
James Orion says:
Typo excused! I’m on my third cup of coffee as we speak…
Thanks for the feedback- I agree, the entire paragraph does need to be tightened up.
February 16, 2015 — 3:52 PM
Peter Hentges says:
I’m confused about how a trail that is growing for 20 minutes is in the underbrush. That reads to me like the path is growing wider which would clear any underbrush. Also confused as to how a spire can be both massive and unseen. Confused again about how the character is seeing the building’s basement (which I understand to be underground) from the surface. The “As far as she knew” seems superfluous since we are working in her point-of-view. If she knows when a spire last fell, perhaps it could be related in her personal timeframe, e.g., “since before she was born,” or “her grandmother told her of the last one.” I’m intrigued by the architecture here and how it works with the periodic floods that are implied.
February 16, 2015 — 9:48 AM
James Orion says:
I think ‘basement’ is the wrong word for what I am conveying, good call. Further into the story I think the setting becomes clear (essentially a city in a jungle, with our main character living under the canopy.) It may have been wise to set up the scene a bit. I like the idea of relating the last spire falling to her personal time frame… I’m stealing that, so thank you!
February 16, 2015 — 3:56 PM
Beth Turnage says:
I liked the sense of decay and impending doom you built in your first paragraph. Stephanie is correct. A little word surgery would make this passage pop. The first sentence is too long. Slice into two. Same for the fourth sentence. You used forms of “give” and the word “knew” in the passage twice. Reduce repetition by replacing one of each. Example:
She assumed the architects’ competence when they designed the flood resistant substructures of the city. But watching the rust and undergrowth accumulating each day only inspired Meredith’s skepticism.
Also the phrase “matter of time” is cliche. You might want to look for a fresher way to express the inevitable.
Great imagery!
February 16, 2015 — 11:49 AM
James Orion says:
Thank you! Agreed- sentence run-ons need to be addressed, and perhaps ‘matter of time’ is taking the easy way out. It’s funny how you can read a passage ten times and still not spot repetitive words and seemingly obvious mistakes you make…
February 16, 2015 — 4:00 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
I’m a little confused about where we are. She emerged from the underbrush, but then we seem to be in a basement. The spire sounds quite large, but it is “unseen.” I guess this would be clearer if the paragraph wasn’t isolated from the rest of the work.
February 20, 2015 — 4:53 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
Sorry, just realized these issues have already been noted and addressed. Time for bed. “Nite, all”
February 20, 2015 — 4:55 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
First paragraph of the prologue of “A Plague in Venice,” which was originally meant to be a sequel to “A Beast in Venice,” but will probably end up being stand alone.
VENICE: 1576
The rower, black of skin and dressed in colorful shiny silks, pushed the gondola silently over the Grand Canal in the hazy blue light and gray mist of early morning. The sun was rising behind him, faintly orange in the haze. The boat disturbed the glassy surface like a flea on quicksilver. He rowed past the pale yellow façade of Ca’ Dario through the silent city. Two men talked quietly inside the cabin of the gondola.
February 16, 2015 — 8:24 AM
travis says:
It feels like this should not be the first sentence. It sets the scene sure but there is no hook, no draw. The book needs to start out with a hook that drags the reader in and this is a lacking flavor for that. IMHO.
February 16, 2015 — 8:28 AM
mihirkamat says:
Paints a great picture, however, too many adjectives for my taste. Just my two cents.
February 16, 2015 — 8:38 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Michael–Great imagery. However, since the rower is not the focal point of the story maybe you shouldn’t lead off with him. Start perhaps with:
Two men talked quietly in the cabin as the gondola moved silently through the Grand Canal in the blue haze and gray mist of early morning. The boat disturbed the glassy surface as slightly as a flea on quicksilver. But despite the quiet of dawn, and the calm tones of the men, the discussion they shared threatened to blaze in argument as surely as the rising sun would thrust brilliant light into the day.
Or some such.
Interesting start!
February 16, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Since the silks are colorful, I want to know what the colors are. It felt redundant to note that the sun was rising right after telling me it was early morning. The first four sentences seem like they could be condensed into one or two. “Gondola” makes me think of an open boat, or at most one with a tented enclosure, not one that has a cabin.
February 16, 2015 — 9:54 AM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
To me this is wonderfully descriptive. It makes me want to read on for the beautiful words. The scene is easily imaginable in my head because of how well it has been detailed.
February 16, 2015 — 10:17 AM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
Also, I like how the scene of the boat is described before the people inside it, like it would be in a movie, viewing the outside before going in the gondola. I would definitely want the two men inside to be having an enthralling conversation, something that can drag me into the book, because at the moment I am enjoying the view of the outside so much, I need whatever is going on inside the gondola to be worth missing it.
February 16, 2015 — 12:54 PM
Cassandra says:
I really could see this scene in my head- very pretty! I do agree with Beth T and Travis. When I was reading along, I was enjoying the beautiful description, but then was a bit jarred when I got to the last sentence. It does make sense to move the last sentence to the start of the paragraph if the two men are going to be the focus of what follows, and that acts as your lead in.
February 16, 2015 — 2:00 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Thank you for your comments. It’s only one paragraph. Of course there’s more, but the post requested only one paragraph.
February 16, 2015 — 2:42 PM
Bill Rose says:
Such a great image…”like a flea on quicksilver.”
February 21, 2015 — 1:29 PM
Beth Turnage says:
From my NaNo project–Arekan’s War
Arekan sat on his narrow bunk in the bowels of the aging space vessel stitching up his forearm. It was a nasty gash, but nothing unusual for him. It would be just one more scar in the litany of scars that scored his body. He winced as he threaded the needle into his flesh, wished he had more liquor in him before he did this, but there was nothing for it. Actually, stitching his arm wasn’t as painful as peeling off the bleeding scab that had formed while he waited for the his captain to bail him out of jail. The ship’s master, a dour, short, round man was none too pleased to get the summons to pick up his errant crewman. He was even less pleased at the amount of the fine to get the Arekan free of the charges. The captain said nothing on the way back to the merchant ship.
February 16, 2015 — 8:30 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Pretty good. I want to read more about this guy. The sewing up thing is a little Rambo, but it doesn’t offend me.
I’m not sure whether his name is Arekan, or he is an Arekan, or both.
The name Arekan is kinda close to Arrakeen in Dune, but I’m probably just being picky.
Good work.
February 16, 2015 — 9:01 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Michael, thanks for your comment! Yeah, someone else had a comment Arekan’s name on another forum, though it was in a Star Wars context. However, I happened to create him as a background character many, many moons ago long before I read Dune, or saw Star Wars. If you want to get real picky you could say it was too close to Ares, the god of war. That’s Arekan. Always causing trouble. Again, thanks!
February 16, 2015 — 9:31 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Interesting, I want to know more about this guy. How did he get this wound, much less the others that led to scars? I feel a little disbelief in him sewing up the wound himself while inebriated enough to be somewhat numbed, thinking that would make his vision a bit blurred and/or hands sloppy. It does, however, pin him as being somewhat bad-ass. Not sure if the “dour, short, round” description of the ship’s master needs to fit in here or could come later.
February 16, 2015 — 10:00 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Peter–Thanks for the comments! Glad you’d like to read more.
February 16, 2015 — 11:28 AM
James Orion says:
Good character description here. With the liquor, past scars, and sewing up his own arm, you’ve basically told us that Arekan is a badass. The first sentence hints that he is in an ‘aging space vessel.’ I want to know more about this ship, what gives it away that it is aging- dirty, rusty, smelly, moldy, etc?
February 16, 2015 — 10:02 AM
Beth Turnage says:
James, thanks for the comments. They have sparked an idea!
February 16, 2015 — 11:56 AM
Jana Denardo says:
I like this and want to know more about Arekan. However, I have to say I’m seeing the self-stitching thing a lot any more. It’s becoming trite. Even today we’ve alternative ways of sealing gashes. I would think that if we have space travel we might have something better than stitches.
February 16, 2015 — 10:35 AM
Beth Turnage says:
You’re right. They do have better ways to seal gashes, if you have the money to get medical care. Thanks for the comments!
February 16, 2015 — 11:53 AM
bklynwriter says:
This is good. I definitely want to know more about Arekan.
February 16, 2015 — 12:23 PM
Beth Turnage says:
Thank you!
February 16, 2015 — 12:44 PM
kakubjaya says:
I like this, I really do. It’s exactly my sort of tale, gritty and spacey, just one thing that jumped out at me. I don’t know if ‘in the bowels of the aging space vessel’ is exactly necessary, it adds an element that distracts from our main focus (meeting Arekan) and gets mentioned later once he’s established in ‘on the way back to the (aging?) merchant ship’.
Just a thought.
February 17, 2015 — 2:09 AM
Andy Cowley says:
This is from an untitled WIP, a black comedy/urban fantasy about demonic cultists in suburban Britain. It’s written from the point of view of three people, one of which is a Swiss Guard. Here, he meets the Pope to be given a secret mission. It wasn’t what he was expecting…
“I’m not sure what you meant by the question, Most Holy Father,” Speicher
was out of his depth and drowning.
“Oh come now man,” he said with an expansive gesture. “The man is a
buffoon, a lummox, an oaf, a pompous, self-important prig with his pace stick
jammed so far up his tight, Teutonic arsehole, it’s a wonder he can bend down
and play with his own cock!”
Speicher’s eyes were the size of tea trays. He almost fumbled his glass.
He steadied himself and placed it on the edge of the desk for
safekeeping. Not before he drained it in one swallow though. “I, er–”
“I said be candid, Speicher! I’m the fucking Pope for Christ’s sake!”
February 16, 2015 — 8:32 AM
James Orion says:
For some reason, Speicher makes me think of Watson in Sherlock Holmes. And a Pope with a foul mouth, I love the idea, and though it seems unrealistic, it makes me want to read on to see how this guy has become the Pope… I get the impression that he is an impersonator for the real Pope who is either dead or kidnapped. That, or this is in some future where a swearing Pope is some kind of normal. Great hook.
February 16, 2015 — 10:05 AM
Andy Cowley says:
Well, that’s good news! That’s a good description of Speicher actually 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 10:07 AM
mihirkamat says:
These are the first two paragraph from my WIP, loosely titled “Cataclysm”. Engaging enough?
May 9 2004
‘We have visual.’
A nameless voice cut through the dense silence where a second ago you could hear a pin drop. The static-laden words addressed a group of men and women who sat in a dark conference room along the length of a rectangular cherry table and stared pensively at the giant screen in front of them. These men and women were in the upper echelon of the American Intelligence community: the director of the CIA; two deputy directors, Intelligence and Operations; another one from the Department of Homeland Security; and one five-star general.
All their asses were on the line. Langley and Washington had been in on it together, plotting and planning several weeks to ensure each piece on the chessboard was in place exactly where needed. They had operatives on the ground, more than thirty sets of eyes and ears, relaying back visuals and sounds back to the eggheads in the NSA for processing. A live feed beamed directly to the White House, and to the direct channels of law enforcement agency heads in America and its partners. Everyone that had the required level of clearance and the ‘need-to-know’ had front seats to their party. The CIA knew how to broadcast its big wins, especially at a time they badly needed one.
February 16, 2015 — 8:36 AM
Grymmlock says:
I like that this definitely hooks me in to read more. I want to know what the CIA’s big win is and why it was so badly needed. There’re only a couple things I want to point out. The first sentence after ‘We have visual’ seems unnecessary and a little out of place. I would just cut that line and start with the next.
In the second paragraph, ‘plotting and planning several weeks’ should be ‘planning [over] several weeks’. Then ‘relaying back visuals and sounds back to the eggheads’, remove one of the ‘back’s (I would personally remove the first one). And the sentence after that one, ‘A live feed beamed directly’ I would add a ‘was’ so it’s ‘A live feed was beamed’, or something along those lines because, at least for me, the tense seems to shift and it disrupts the flow.
But seriously, this is really good.
February 16, 2015 — 11:01 AM
mihirkamat says:
Thanks a bunch! Your response is extremely precise and helpful. I will incorporate your recommendations in my next edit.
February 16, 2015 — 3:24 PM
T, Hammond (@THammondwrites) says:
I really, really like this. I can picture this so clearly in my head. Love the last line– it speaks of the CIA’s arrogance, yet hints at past failures– effective.
February 16, 2015 — 12:21 PM
bklynwriter says:
This caught my attention as I was scrolling through the comments. I want to know what’s going on. My only critique…without knowing more…I would be more specific with the people present, such as General So-and-so or John Doe, head of the NSA…but that is just me.
February 16, 2015 — 12:29 PM
mihirkamat says:
Thanks for the suggestion. I didn’t want to name anyone yet since it is just the beginning and I did not want to introduce characters just for this scene. At this point in the story, the reader must know what hierarchy is involved, rather than the actual people. Probably make more sense once a bit more of the story is revealed. Thank you for reading and your input, it certainly allowed me to question and defend my thought process.
February 16, 2015 — 3:29 PM
Ady says:
I would re-jig it all and start this with – “All their asses were on the line.” It carries a lot more punch, reading the first paragraph I am curious but have no emotional investment yet.
Something like – “All their asses were on the line. The upper echelon of the American Intelligence community: the director of the CIA; two deputy directors, Intelligence and Operations; another one from the Department of Homeland Security; and one five-star general.”
First question I ask myself is – why are their asses on the line, what did they do or are they about to do? And who is going to smack their ass, the president? Which member of the echelon has the ass on the line the most – in other words who has the most to lose? Is one person visibly sweating and worried more than the others?
As it’s hard to tell what comes next or what has gone before from this extract the last line “The CIA knew how to broadcast its big wins, especially at a time they badly needed one.” doesn’t seem to sit right.
I would read it, I’m curious.
February 17, 2015 — 8:10 AM
Catherine King, Author says:
This is from a WIP, which will be (I think) a romance/suspense novel. This is the opening paragraph.
Chloe had a tendency to lose track of time, which usually resulted in her driving like a maniac to get to the Park N’ Ride. Today was no exception, and she raced into the lot, searching for an open space. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the bus coming down the street. She parked her car, grabbed her things and ran to the end of the line of sleepy commuters. Out of breath, Chloe was startled when a man came up behind her, also breathing heavy. She turned to see a rather handsome man, looking a bit disheveled, as if he, too, had overslept.
“Morning,” he said, smiling sheepishly. He fumbled with his newspaper, briefcase, and raincoat, clearly not fully awake.
February 16, 2015 — 8:39 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Well, you’ve hooked my attention with the gently humorous tone of your opening, especially the bit about “driving like a maniac to get to the Park N’ Ride”.
The only two tweaks I’d suggest are:
1. Consider breaking up the first paragraph. Make “Out of breath…” the beginning of the second paragraph so we know that something significant is happening (i.e. she’s meeting the male protagonist).
2. Perhaps describe the man a little more? “Rather handsome” sounds rather generic.
February 16, 2015 — 9:01 AM
Catherine King, Author says:
Thanks for the input! I do describe the man in more detail in the next paragraph, but I was trying to keep this to the 100 words or so that we were told to…I’ve actually been that maniac trying to make my bus, lol.
February 16, 2015 — 9:08 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
I have been that maniac too… except that it wasn’t me doing the driving. It was someone else trying to get me to the Park N’ Ride on time to catch a bus and we were running 15 minutes late. I was hanging on for dear life as my friend drove like a bat out of hell.
Hence me chuckling at your opening sentence.
February 16, 2015 — 9:12 AM
Terri says:
I like the imagery. Consider tightening it up a bit by rearranging the opening to make it a bit less repetitive. My words off the top of my head to illustrate, take or discard as you wish.
For example:
Chloe had a tendency to lose track of time, which usually resulted in her driving like a maniac to get to the Park N’ Ride. Today was no exception, and she raced into the lot, searching for an open space. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the bus coming down the street. She parked her car, grabbed her things and ran to the end of the line of sleepy commuters. Out of breath, Chloe was startled when a man came up behind her, also breathing heavy. She turned to see a rather handsome man, looking a bit disheveled, as if he, too, had overslept.
“Morning,” he said, smiling sheepishly. He fumbled with his newspaper, briefcase, and raincoat, clearly not fully awake.
——————-
Chloe had a tendency to lose track of time and today was no exception. Driving like a maniac to the Park N’ Ride, she raced the lot looking for a space. The bus was squealing to a stop as she sprinted to the end of the line of commuters.
Pounding footsteps on the sidewalk told her she wasn’t the only one who’d pushed the schedule.
“Morning,” he said with a shy smile that lit up his handsome face.
Before she could answer, his newspaper hit the ground, followed by his raincoat and briefcase. Evidently he wasn’t any more awake than Chloe.
————————————————
Try to avoid things like see, saw, feel, taste, hear, etc. Don’t tell me that she sees a man or she saw the bus. We’re in her POV. Show me the man. Show me the bus.
The more I read “breathing heavy” and “behind her,” the more off it sounded. It reminded me of a creeper on the Paris subway.
Whenever possible, infer actions. Of course she parked her car and grabbed her things before getting out of the car. She also took the keys out of the ignition, locked it, and pocketed the keys. All can be inferred.
Really reconsider dialogue tags like “sheepishly.” Please.
Just in general, less exposition, more action and dialogue. And I was just shellacked by a pro friend for doing the same thing in the first page of my second book. To the point that he asked if he could feature it in his next craft book as an example of what not to do.
This has the makings of a rollicking romantic suspense. Nothing mundane ever comes out of an encounter like this. You’ve set me up and I’ve made popcorn. Take me on an adventure.
February 16, 2015 — 5:11 PM
Roo says:
This is the first paragraph in my dystopian story No More Heroes
At 3pm the clock on the town hall of Ostere struck four times. No one appeared to notice. The folk in the town square continued to batter down against the first chill wind blown directly from the frozen North. The low bloated clouds promised snow and people dreamt of a white Christmas. Bugger their white Christmas. Me and my tatty coat stood no chance of surviving December if snow dumped on our town.
February 16, 2015 — 8:42 AM
James Orion says:
I like how with minimal description you are able to setup this character’s, assumed, homeless and/or impoverished state. I instantly want to know more about their condition. I know this is only one paragraph, but I find myself really wanting to know what time period this is taking place. Is this past, present, future? Good job setting a hook in the reader and forcing me to want to know more.
February 16, 2015 — 9:57 AM
52lettersinthealphabet says:
I like how quickly you establish a sense of scenery without overpowering the reader with descriptions. In two sentences you give the reader a clear understanding of who your main character is.
Specific notes:
The sentence “no one appeared to notice” felt disjointed from the rest of your–rather poetic–descriptions. The phrasing also felt a little awkward. Maybe combine it with the first sentence: “…but no one reacted.”
Also, you should emphasize the change between your descriptions and entering your main character’s thoughts by starting a new paragraph with “Bugger their…” It will juxtapose with the white Christmas image more clearly and clue the reader into the tonal shift.
February 16, 2015 — 11:56 AM
Terri says:
Nice imagery. A bit heavy on exposition, all tell. That’s an easy fix. You have set a nice bleak scene.
A little peeve I have about dystopians, you are assuming they use “pm” to measure time, thus anchoring it to current society. Plus, then you have to use 3 p.m. and it breaks up the nice look of the sentence with abbreviations.
Consider,
It was three in the afternoon when the the clock on the Ostere town hall chimed four times.
Also, “no one appeared to notice,” infers that someone noticed. You can just say, “no one reacted.”
People batten down, not batter down unless it is a saying I don’t know.
“first chill wind blown directly from the frozen North,” seems a bit wordy. “chill north wind.”
Consider making “Bugger their white Christmas,” into internal dialogue and break up the prologue/exposition feel of the paragraph.
‘Bugger white Christmas,’ I thought pulling my tatty coat tighter around me. There was no chance I’d survive December if snow dumped on our town.
February 16, 2015 — 7:41 PM
A Citizen of the World says:
I like this opening paragraph – it’s pretty good and the short-ish sentences gives the voice a terse, punchy, slightly cynical feel which is, hopefully, what you’re aiming for.
What stood out to me is the final two sentences:
“Bugger their white Christmas. Me and my tatty coat stood no chance of surviving December if snow dumped on our town.”
The protagonist’s voice suddenly came clear to me right there and he (or she?) sounds all cigarette raspy, kinda like John Constantine.
February 17, 2015 — 12:01 AM
M T McGuire says:
Got me hooked. And you use the word ‘bugger’ which would probably be enough to make me think about buying the book! Seriously though, such a short paragraph, but it tells the reader so much. Brilliant.
Cheers
MTM
February 17, 2015 — 11:22 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
From my current WIP about gifted kids being trained to manage haunted houses, and an entire world of Afterlife folks they work with including Reapers, Bloody Marys, Banshees, Tooth Fairies et al:
The blue light portal pulsed as Gunn and Savage entered the master bedroom. The room looked like someone had dropped a bomb in it. The king sized bed was broken right down the middle, as it someone – or something – huge had karate chopped it right down the middle. The wallpaper hung in tatters and the bottom of the curtains were in shreds. The mirror, where they could see Sister Mary Margaret, was cracked in two different places.
The portal was not the usual neat smooth circular doorway. Instead, it looked as if someone had detonated a bomb to create an improvised doorway. It was large enough for a full-grown bull elephant to charge right through and the sides were irregular and jagged. There were small pieces of portal floating around the room, looking like shards of shiny blue glass.
Savage whistled.
‘Indeed,’ said Sister Mary Margaret.
‘Let’s hope that whatever it is is amenable to having a chat,’ said Gunn.
‘You’ve got to be joking,’ said Sister Mary Margaret. ‘Whatever’s on the rampage, disappeared the Housekeeper, and terrified all the Denizens here would almost certainly have some major teeth and claws and a bad temper and you’re thinking of chatting with it?’
‘Welcome to “Working with Gunn 101”,’ said Savage with a grin.
February 16, 2015 — 8:44 AM
Catherine King, Author says:
This looks like an interesting book! The only suggestions I can offer are to take a second look at the use of the imagery of bombs. It is mentioned in “The room looked like someone had dropped a bomb in it.” and then again in ” it looked as if someone had detonated a bomb to create an improvised doorway”.
Also with the phrase “right down the middle”. It’s used twice in one sentence.
I’d like to read more of this!
February 16, 2015 — 9:24 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Thanks, Catherine! This is from the first draft of the prologue which I hammered out in a hurry before I lose the inner film reel that was playing so nicely.
Both repetitions noted and will be fixed. Will have to line up more visual adjectives related to “room looking like it exploded” 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 9:32 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Lose = lost.
Ugh! Fingers running faster than my brain again!
February 16, 2015 — 9:34 AM
jrupp25 says:
Excellent idea for a novel.
Couple of thoughts:
You have two mentions of a bomb. Save the mention of the bomb for the second paragraph. It works better there.
The sentence about seeing Sister Mary is a bit confusing. Is she in the mirror? Or are we seeing her reflection?
Perhaps make two sentences out of Margaret’s last line? Whatever terrified the Denizens and disappeared the Housekeeper is on a rampage. It would certainly have some teeth…
February 16, 2015 — 9:42 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Thanks for the observations and suggestions – very helpful!
Ah – the bit about Sister Mary Margaret and the mirror is confusing because this little excerpt is extracted from the middle of the prologue/chapter.
Sister Mary Margaret is a trainee in the Bloody Mary Brigade doing her practical service by shadowing Gunn and Savage. She is *in* the mirror – The Bloody Marys can travel by a network of paths between mirrors. She remains in the mirror in this scene because Gunn (who is a very senior Reaper) instructed her not to come out just in case everything goes to hell in a handbasket with the Big Bad they are about to confront. She would be the witness and can haul ass out of there to report to the Higher Ups and get help if Gunn and Savage get decimated by the Big Bad.
February 16, 2015 — 9:52 AM
Grymmlock says:
This is something I would definitely read more off. I like that with so few words you still give an insight as to the personalities of the characters involved. As for critique, when they see Sister Mary in the mirror (that’s how it reads to me) I can see how the sentence might be misconstrued and a little confusing. I would fix that by changing ‘where they could see’ to ‘wherein they could see’. Quick and easy fix that gets the point across.
Also, when Sister Mary is talking about the monster, I would remove ‘on the rampage’ and just have ‘Whatever disappeared the Housekeeper and terrified all the Denizens here…’ The description of the room that was already given already lets us know that the thing is on a rampage. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 10:17 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Thanks for the kind critique, Grymmlock!
The “wherein” looks like a simple fix indeed and yes, “on the rampage” is superfluous and will be removed!
Glad that the characters are coming across loud and clear. This is the first ever book I’m writing and I’ve been sticking to Elmore Leonard’s rule about using dialogue and speech to define characters: if you take away the “said x” tags, would you still be able to identify who’s who in a conversation? If yes, then you’re on track with characterisation.
February 16, 2015 — 9:15 PM
SKSwords says:
I enjoyed reading this, and I would like to read more. I agree with the comments about the repetitive use of the bomb description, but I’m sure you can fix that easily. You’ve already done a good job of conveying the chaos that the characters are facing.
The characters too are intriguing. I like the use of a nun – for some reason, it makes me think of “The Blues Brothers” and the nun they called The Penguin. You’ve written some fun dialogue as well.
February 16, 2015 — 12:28 PM
A Citizen of the World says:
So glad to hear that you (and everyone critiquing this excerpt) like it and want to know more.
Yeah, am totally fixing that repetitive bomb description.
As for the characters, they’ve taken a life of their own as I continue writing the story. The dialogue is pretty much all them 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 9:18 PM
Terri says:
Yeah, too many bomb references and using the word “looked” is pure tell. It can almost always be killed.
Easy way to kill all of them.
1. Put the, “The room looked like someone had . . .” into dialogue.
“Holy hell, what happened in here? Did a bomb go off?” said whoever.
2. You can kill the “Instead, it looked as if . . . ” entirely and go straight to the simile of a bull elephant (no need for full-grown, everyone knows how big a bull elephant is.)
3. Consider flat-out killing the “looking” in the sentence, “There were small pieces of the . . . ” It isn’t needed.
I like the imagery, nice X-Men feel to it. Like I’m at Prof Xavier’s and a mutant has just left a calling card.
February 16, 2015 — 7:48 PM
A Citizen of the World says:
Thanks for the suggestions, especially pointing out that the word “looked” is telling and not showing. They will eventually all be purged in the drafts to come.
Hmmm… interesting that you note that there is an X-Men feel to it. I wasn’t consciously thinking of the X-Men when I created this world but the X-Men influence probably seeped in a little since I used to read the comics as a teenager.
February 16, 2015 — 9:21 PM
M T McGuire says:
I like the understated ‘let’s hope that whatever it is is amenable to having a chat,’ tell us so much about Gunn. You have a little repetition, you mention the bed being split in two twice and so one of those could come out. However it looks humorous and fun, I’d probably buy the book on the strength of that excerpt.
Cheers
MTM
February 17, 2015 — 11:25 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Thank you for your kind critique, MT! That bit of dialogue is pure Gunn. He’s one of my favourite characters to write in the book. If you like what you’ve glimpsed, I think you might love him even more when the book is ready. 🙂
I’ll need to finish writing it first, hopefully by the end of this year as I only have snippets of time outside of my two jobs to write it.
February 17, 2015 — 9:39 PM
M T McGuire says:
A pleasure. If it helps, you’re not the only one who writes slowly. It takes me 18 months to write a book but it’s probably only 6 months in real time. 🙂 good luck.
Cheers
MTM
February 18, 2015 — 2:52 AM
Amy says:
My opening paragraph… 🙂 A coming of age novel about eighteen-year-old Oscar and his circle of friends.
Our planet is a tiny fraction of the rest of the universe. There are other stars, other comets, other planets and other solar systems out there. We are miniscule. We barely notice that this is all there is, because without the universe, there would be nothing. And what’s ‘nothing’ made out of? Does ‘nothing’ even exist? Is it just a combination of various atoms that somehow react to create ‘nothing’? I thought about this when I lay out in the garden with the cold grass pressing against my back and legs. It was dark and almost all of the stars were completely visible and so all that was beautiful in this world was staring right back at me. Then I realised that those beautiful stars were nothing but old light; that the stars I perceived to be so beautiful didn’t actually exist anymore. And when I really let the amazement of all that sink in, I closed my eyes.
February 16, 2015 — 8:49 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
I kind of want to read more of this, but on the other hand it feels like maybe you’re going on too long. You could probably trim it down a bit – but not too much, because it’s got a rather lovely rhythm to it. Maybe the bit about nothing and whether it exists or not?
Also, in the sentence that starts with ‘then I realised’ you repeat ‘beautiful’. I hesitate to recommend changes, but maybe something like ‘the stars that looked so lovely’ would also sound nice with the bunch of ‘l’ sounds at the end of that sentence to give it all a lovely liquid feel.
All in all, it’s an intriguing opening paragraph, and I really like it!
February 16, 2015 — 8:55 AM
Amy says:
Thank you very much for your feedback!
If you would like to read the rest of the chapter, here’s the link to the blogpost –
http://justmeamy101.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/first-draft-first-chapter.html
Again, thank you very helpful 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 12:21 PM
Hannah Fairbairn says:
I would really like to read more. I find the way you write to the point and easy to follow. It’s natural and not overdone. And I can easily relate to the character because I have also felt the same while looking at the stars. The character reads like they are a little defeated and negative about life, realizing that the one beautiful thing in the world, the stars, are not really there anymore. This makes me want to read more, to find out more about the character and what has made them this way.
February 16, 2015 — 11:36 AM
Amy says:
Thank you very much for your comments, so kind! You’re right, the character – Oscar – is fairly negative about life and I do have a few ideas why… perhaps drawn from my own experiences.
If you would like to read the rest of the chapter, here’s the link to the blogpost –
http://justmeamy101.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/first-draft-first-chapter.html
Thank you!
🙂
February 16, 2015 — 12:25 PM
Julie Griffith says:
I completely agree with the other commenter when she said you could do away with the part where he contemplates what “nothing” is. The opening has a slow, dreamy quality to it and I think it would flow even better without those couple of sentences.The only other thing I would suggest is that you consider another opening line. Maybe rearrange the lines so that it starts with “We are miniscule.” For some reason that sounds more appealing to me as a first line. I love the part about how the stars he sees don’t really exist anymore. I write almost exclusively about characters in this age group because it’s such an interesting time in our lives with so much change and decisions. Sounds like it’s right up my alley. Good luck, and good start. 🙂
February 17, 2015 — 8:34 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
This is a paragraph from around the middle of a short story I just finished – detectives, in space, with a side of zombies. I realise that sounds like the kind of summary you write when you’re eight years old and incredibly proud of your cowboy spacefaring dinosaur ninjas, but bear with me! Anyway, our main character is about to arrive for her first day at work.
I stood looking at the door for a minute or two, studying the poster next to it. It was a diagram, much like the ones we saw in Elementary Personal Safety classes back in the nursery, showing the ways to identify a corpse. The first sign, of course, was that it was generally trying to eat you. The signs got more obscure from there, but it’s not like corpses are hard to identify. Zombies? Not so very stealth. On the right hand side of the door, there were the Ten Steps to Combat the Walking Dead. They mostly involved calling the Peacekeepers, removing the head, or both. I did not feel ready to become the last resort of the afflicted, but what the hell. I pinged the door, and it slid open with a welcoming hiss.
The noise cut off abruptly when the door closed behind me. I was in an office with an android receptionist seated – or perhaps built-in, although that wasn’t exactly a popular practice anymore – behind a desk. X93 model, unless I missed my guess, modified with a heavier chassis and black-on-silver detailing. This would be the Peacekeeper model, then. I’d heard of it, but we didn’t get visits from the police often, in the nursery. The android was the only thing that even hinted that I had just entered the main office of the Good Hope Peacekeeping Force serving the lower half-millennium and the Docks.
February 16, 2015 — 8:50 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
I can’t edit my comment and I just realised that it is SUPER long. Please to be forgiving me x_x
February 16, 2015 — 8:56 AM
Beth Turnage says:
Okay, you jammed in two paragraphs instead of one, but I suspect most of us word whores would put up our entire WIP if so allowed.
The form is good, the paragraph interesting, letting us see a little bit of your world. I loved the line “was that it was generally trying to eat you.” But the grammar can use some work, and extra words can be trimmed.
For Instance “Ten Steps to Combat the Walking Dead,” a title, needs quotes at the very least. “Nursery”, I think, should be capitalized because it is an institution, like you would capitalize “Congress.” “Zombies”, unless the first word of a sentence should not be capitalized. Try trimming your adverbs. Your prose seems a little adverb heavy. For instance: The first sign, of course, was that it was generally trying to eat you. could be trimmed to: The first sign,of course, was that it was trying to eat you.
Good story start.
February 16, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Thanks for the critique!
I didn’t think I’d put two paragraphs in, but it looks like I did. My bad :/
I have this problem with adverbs. The problem is that I really quite like them. But I’ll keep what you said in mind for the next draft 😀
February 16, 2015 — 9:20 AM
shauna says:
Hi Bernice – my very first thought is how old is this detective? The voice sounds very young to me, like someone in his or her mid-teens. This makes me think this novel is for a YA audience. If this is not your intention then i suggest changing some of the language to place us more squarely in an older person’s head. I like the idea of the warning poster though – very bureaucratic. Good luck with your story –
February 16, 2015 — 9:55 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Well, Jen (the narrator) is actually on her very first day on the job – about nineteen or so, so it’s good that she’s coming off a bit young, naive and so on. And as for the warning poster, what I wanted to do there was to make the zombies more or less background noise. They have zombie posters in much the same way that we have No Smoking signs (No Undead signs), so I hope that comes off right.
February 16, 2015 — 1:08 PM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Also thank you very much!
February 16, 2015 — 1:09 PM
Joe says:
I’d change your first sentence to, “I stood at the door for a minute or two, studying the poster next to it.” If you’re studying the poster, you’re not looking at the door. Or you could just begin with, “The diagram hanging next to the door was much like the ones …” It helps to remove your filter words. Read this article: http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/
February 16, 2015 — 12:31 PM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Thanks a million for taking the time to read it, and also for the link. I have pretty much the same problem as that person – I can see they’re there, most of the time, but I didn’t know what they were called, and about half the time I can’t get rid of the stupid things!
February 16, 2015 — 1:11 PM
jrupp25 says:
Fanny opened her eyes in time to see Mickey O’Brien’s lips twist with rage and effort. He bathed her face with his rotten breath. She turned her head away. They were outside on the back deck of the Dumb Luck. Was he going to toss her overboard? She screamed, but it was too late. She sailed through the air, body weightless, arms pin-wheeling. Her scream was cut off when she hit the water. It hurt like hell. Like hitting pavement. Hot pokers of salt water shot up her nose. She kicked and squirmed in a black panic. No air. She thought her head might explode. Which way was up?
February 16, 2015 — 9:03 AM
52lettersinthealphabet says:
I like the opening lines, but they paint a very different picture than “this guy is going to try to kill her.” When I was reading it, I thought he was trying to come onto her and had been rejected. When he threw her overboard, it felt completely out-of-the-blue. Since there is no description of it actually happening, it took me a minute to realize that she had actually gone overboard.
Once she goes overboard, the descriptions are good again. They suck me in and I want to keep reading.
If this is the beginning of the WIP, then it is way to confusing. However, if the reader has already met Mickey and knows that he (for some reason) wants to kill Fanny, this scene would make a lot more sense.
February 16, 2015 — 12:12 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I at first got the image that they were laying next to each other.
Where is this in the story?
February 16, 2015 — 9:11 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Personally I hope it’s right at the start. Nothing like a murder (or an attempted murder) in the very first paragraph to spice up a novel.
February 16, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I disagree. I’m like, “Thanks, Mickey, let’s get a drink.”
In other words, it’s implied we’re supposed to feel bad for the victim, but I don’t care about the victim because I don’t have context. I know lots of people who deserve to be thrown over the side of a boat. Who are these people? I have to care first.
February 16, 2015 — 9:35 AM
jrupp25 says:
You’re right. I should have used the paragraph before it. It explained the context. But I was having trouble describing what it was like to be thrown off the deck of a moving boat and hitting the water. Got any thoughts about that?
February 16, 2015 — 9:47 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Maybe delete “Was he going to toss her overboard?” and maybe insert this sentence just after “She screamed but it was too late”:
“She felt her feet leave the deck as he hauled her up against him, pivoting as she kicked and struggled. Then she was sailing through the air…”
February 16, 2015 — 10:04 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I think what you described is fine. I just don’t know from this paragraph, and I know it’s only one paragraph we’re supposed to put up, who I should care about. That’s okay, but if you really want us to care about the woman being thrown overboard, we should get to know her first. Why should I care that she’s thrown over the side?
February 16, 2015 — 2:47 PM
Cynde says:
I love this, butI would like to see him actually grab her. Is it really important for her to identify where they are, or could she just go from turning away from his rotten breath to him grabbing her, and then her wondering what he’s going to do? I like the figurative language.
February 16, 2015 — 9:25 AM
jrupp25 says:
THis is the paragraph that comes before. I should have included it.
The sting of Mickey’s slap silenced her screaming, and left her ears ringing. Fat fingers dug into her flesh and pinched the tender skin under her upper arms. Eyes shut tight in anticipation of the next blow, she panted. The shock of his brutal treatment left her speechless. He picked her up like a rag doll and shook her, then carried her out into the freezing night air. She kicked and struggled, desperate to free herself from his grip.
“Mickey, no. Please don’t. Don’t!”
“Shut up. You shoulda stayed below you stupid little…”
February 16, 2015 — 12:24 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I still don’t care. Who is she? Maybe she did something to deserve it. Maybe she’s the bad guy. I’m still thinking I’m on Mickey’s side.
February 16, 2015 — 2:50 PM
jrupp25 says:
I think you’ve put your finger on a very basic problem I have. One that no one else has been able to articulate. I tend to try and start at the height of action and fill in backstory afterward. I still haven’t figured out how to find that nugget that will instantly make the reader care about the protagonist in the first sentence or paragraph. Back to the drawing board.
Many thanks!
February 16, 2015 — 3:53 PM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
This is the first paragraph of my first novel that I am currently working on. It’s YA horror. A writer friend of mine recently criticized the trope of having a character look in the mirror which is something I do here so in addition to general thoughts I’m also wondering specifically if the use of the mirror is off-putting and would cause one to stop reading. Thanks in advance!
And I Shall Feast (working title)
The still warm blood of Zilla’s father speckled her pale face, a Rorschach pattern of sin and guilt. She stood there staring at her reflection in the low light of the bathroom, unbelieving, petrified. What have I done, she thought to herself. Her blondish hair was loose and disheveled and slipping out of its bun and her t-shirt was covered in red splotches that soaked through, making the thin material stick to her skin. She wanted very badly to rip her clothes from her body, jump in the shower and just scrub and scrub and scrub until everything was gone, until everything was back to normal again, but then the lights flickered and she knew she didn’t have much time.
February 16, 2015 — 9:29 AM
maniacmarmoset says:
So I’m going to back up what you’re friend said. Starting with a mirror scene is going to scream amateur for a lot of people. I love the Roschach pattern of sin and I think opening with her covered in blood is fine. But starting with a mirror scene is something that is on the list of tropes to not start a book with along with starting with your MC waking from a dream, or dropping them in the middle of a fight before we’ve gotten to know the character. Another thing you might want to look at is your use of filtering. She thought. She stared. She wanted. There are ways you can show what she sees, thinks and wants without using those sensory words b/c those really distance us from the character.
If say, instead of the mirror scene you had her looking at her hands and just describe the blood on her hands, the tactlile sensation of wearing a blood soaked t shirt, how her hair keeps falling in her face in bloody clumps and making it hard to see. There’s a lot of indirect ways to show how sickened and uncomfortable she is by actions rather than having her assess that she’s all grossified and bloody with her Dad’s blood.
Hope this helps some and good luck.
February 16, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. It’s so interesting (and worthwhile) sometimes to get the feedback of complete strangers. I actually belong to a writing group that meets in person and we have been working on my novel. It’s a fairly large group and not one of them said anything about the mirror thing so I do appreciate this. I’m starting to wonder if maybe my writing group consists of too many amateurs. On the one hand, I totally understand the need for a group of people to be supportive of each other and be cheerleaders, but on the other hand, for myself, I want and need the hard truths, not just the praise. Thank you for giving me that.
February 16, 2015 — 9:53 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I despise the word trope, because all stories contain them, but I agree with your friend. Don’t open your book with the main character looking in the mirror (or waking up, or getting out of a car, or with the weather).
What you have here writing-wise is not bad. It could be cleaned up here and there, such as taking out “very badly.” Maybe you could think of a nice strong word (or two) to replace “wanted very badly.”
We need to have context. Who are these people? Why do I care? I want to meet the protag, and then find out why I should be sympathetic to her in this scene. We need to know who the characters are before we care. It doesn’t have to be much.
Other than that, nice work.
February 16, 2015 — 9:45 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
Thank you. I’ll rework this, take out the mirror, figure out another way to show what I want to show. I appreciate the feedback.
February 16, 2015 — 9:54 AM
Juli Hoffman says:
I love your opening line! The bathroom mirror bit doesn’t bother me. I think you snuck it in their rather nicely. I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if you hadn’t brought it up as part of your lead in. You got me hooked!!! 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 9:59 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
Aww, thank you!
February 16, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Jana Denardo says:
While I don’t necessary agree the mirror trope screams amateur, it does scream I’ve been done to death and most readers are tired of it which is probably why your friend pointed it out.
I’ll echo maniac’s suggestion of looking at her hands or maybe tugging out the bottom of her shirt so you can keep that Rorschach pattern of sin. I like that. In fact it would work better on clothing than skin. We don’t need the description of her hair here. You could cut that out and just have her jump in the shower. I am interested in the story though. It’s a good start.
February 16, 2015 — 10:28 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
Thanks Jana!
February 16, 2015 — 11:44 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
I think that we should distinguish between tropes and cliches [sic]. Tropes are valid literary devices as long as you don’t hit people over the head with them. I think they can be used to subtly signal the genre, the theme, and the plot direction – the key being subtly. In you particular case, it didn’t even occur to me that the mirror was amateurish, and I very much liked your paragraph.
February 16, 2015 — 10:33 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
That’s a good point about tropes and cliches. Thank you.
February 16, 2015 — 11:45 AM
Sabrina Jade Howard (cronasonlyfriend) says:
I don’t know if I like the mirror scene-setting either. . . . It isn’t that it’s cliche so much as there are so many other possibilities for the character’s senses to be felt by the reader. Use touch, smell, hearing, and taste as well as sight. Perhaps she doesn’t SEE the blood, but she feels it, or smells it, or both.
Really good use of description. Some of the sentences could be reworded, such as the very first.
“The blood of her father was still warm against Zilla’s pale face, a Rorschach pattern of sin and guilt.”
I love the second half of the sentence: “a Rorschach pattern of sin and guilt.”
A very effective, startling opening. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 2:01 PM
52lettersinthealphabet says:
Personally, I don’t mind the mirror aspect as long as there is a reason for it. I’m assuming she’s in a bathroom–so if there is a definite plot-y reason why she is in that setting, then I think you can keep it. Otherwise, you could have her describe the same sensory detail without the use of a mirror, just have her taking stock of her body in a different setting.
Writing wise, I like it a lot but I think you could shorten it to make it more dramatic. Once I know that her hair is slipping out of a bun, you don’t have to ALSO tell me she is disheveled. I think you should try to focus more on showing than telling in general. You are getting your point across well right now, but it could be better.
I love the “scrub and scrub and scrub” moment, though. It also sets a up a cool Macbeth allusion that you could totally run with later on in the scene (if that is something you’d like to do).
February 16, 2015 — 2:14 PM
maniacmarmoset says:
Weird guys. Even weirder box. My alarm went off again, and I silenced it. The silver stuff pooled at the box corner. I know I should have minded my own business. Let Dad’s box be Dad’s problem, but it had such a funky shimmer. The way the light bounced off it. The way it almost seemed to move and glisten in the sunlight. I knelt down. Just grazing the hard surface ―rough with embedded stringy things― I walked my fingers downward. The silver stuff rippled and almost seemed to shift half an inch to the left. I reached for it.
February 16, 2015 — 9:31 AM
persimmonromance says:
I like this. It’s such a small sample that it’s hard to know where you’re going with it, and also, while every sentence is good, and I get the subtle shift in emphasis from sentence to sentence, it’s just a little too repetitive to completely pull me in.
February 16, 2015 — 9:53 AM
mattblackattack says:
Cool. I want to open the box.
I like the way you describe it. I can see the character’s fascination.
The only problem I have is “almost seemed” – “…it almost seemed to move and glisten…” “…rippled and almost seemed to shift…”
You can make the phrasing stronger. What exactly does “almost seemed” mean? Did it look like it was going to move and glisten, but not? Was it barely shifting? Did it look like it shifted but actually didn’t move at all, like an illusion?
Other than that, very intriguing piece. I’d love to read more.
February 16, 2015 — 6:12 PM
Stephanie Anders says:
140 words (less makes no sense, I think) that open a romance novel. It’s set on a technology challenged island in Maryland.
“No.” Frank counted backwards from ten, took a deep breath and counted again. “Absolutely not.” He was pleased that his voice was calm. Firm, but calm.
“But you’re the best we’ve got. Come on, with you on this we’ll get it taken care of in a couple of days. We’ll fly you to LA, you do some talking and questioning and get back to your vacation before you know it.”
The muscles in his jaw tightened. He should have thrown his phone in the Patuxent last night when he got in. Better yet, he should have ignored the message that chirped at him this morning. Instead, here he was dutifully checking in—from a phone booth, no less. Cell coverage was terrible on the island, which was one reason he loved this place. Duty called, and he always called back.
February 16, 2015 — 9:38 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
Really good, Stephanie. The one thing that did jump out at me is the voice on the other end of the line. The entire snippet leaves me to believe that this “duty” is something very official and important, but the voice on the line is very casual and unofficial. It seems to take away from the urgency of the matter and makes me wonder why Frank is going so wound up about the call.
February 16, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Stephanie Anders says:
Thanks for the input– I can work on that.
Something like this, maybe. (Now I’m going to cheat and post more words. This is an older manuscript, but the closest to being finished.)
Cell coverage was terrible on the island, which was one reason he loved this place, it made it much harder to answer the call of duty. Because, when duty called, and he always called back.
Well, not today.
“Bill, I want you to shut up for a minute. I need you to listen to something.
“OK, fire away.”
Frank held the pay phone receiver at arms length, aiming it at the murky green blue of the St. Leonard’s creek. He stood for a moment, reveling in the early morning sun that beat down on his outstretched arm. Then he brought the receiver back to his ear. “Did you hear that?
“No, I didn’t hear a thing.”
“That, my frustrated bureaucratic friend, was the sound of a year’s build up of Rockfish laughing. Do you know why they were laughing?”
“Frank, I haven’t got time to…”
Frank interrupted, “They were laughing because they thought I was going to be dumb enough to listen to you. They thought I was going to change out of my cutoffs and into a suit, drive two hours into the District and spend the afternoon being briefed on some unconfirmed, celebrity kidnapping. You know what Bill?”
Silence answered the rhetorical question. “They were wrong. And now I’m going to make them sorry for laughing. I’m getting in my boat, motoring away from the dock and spending my day fishing. Hopefully, I’ll spend my evening eating those very same fish who thought they could laugh at me.”
February 16, 2015 — 2:49 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
Good start. When you revisit this in edits, in addition to R.F.Kacy’s comment, you may also want to look at the following:
We see Frank is using a breathing and counting exercise, showing frustration. He is then pleased with his voice. I think such a quick transition takes away from the necessity of the breathing exercise. Consider instead of “He was pleased…” going with something akin to “It took all his effort to keep his voice calm.”
We go from the voice on the other end of the line, directly to “The muscles in HIS jaw tightened.” While the assumption might be that the jaw is Frank’s, following the other voice, this isn’t as clear and it might serve to muddy the POV.
And then we jump from “Cell coverage was terrible on the island, which was one reason he loved this place” to “Duty called…” The transition between the concepts is a bit rough. Try playing with the paragraph structure some more, shift the sentences around. Sometimes that’s all it takes to make it flow better.
All in all though, not a bad start. We already know who the Protagonist appears to be and we have already been clued into a conflict that requires a decision and/or a sacrifice. Very strong opening. Very well done!
February 16, 2015 — 1:23 PM
Stephanie Anders says:
Thanks! I appreciate the detailed notes.
February 16, 2015 — 2:57 PM
Lauren Simonis says:
My parents were going to be a problem. I knew they were going to be. I mean, how could they not? They ran the Research Network. They knew exactly what I could be getting myself into by traveling to Earth. But I had never been challenged by school here. The nature tech, heat tech and energy tech were never difficult for me. That’s why I wanted to go to Earth and work on a plan for when the sun *exploded and the people of Earth had to come to The System. But it was for my senior level project. That was my one glimmer of hope.
(I have an asterisk by exploded because at this point, I’m not sure what the right word is)
February 16, 2015 — 9:38 AM
James Orion says:
From what I know, the Sun is expected to expand into a Red Giant in 5billion~ years, not explode. So I’m assuming that something has tampered with the Sun to cause a reaction for it to explode.
A few sentences could use some tightening up. “But I had never been challenged by school here. The nature tech, heat tech, and energy tech were never difficult for me.” This looks to me as though it could be one sentence and would read more clearly.
“The nature tech, heat tech, and energy tech taught in school here had never remotely challenged me.” Just a suggestion. You leave me wanting to know what The System is…
February 16, 2015 — 10:15 AM
Lauren Simonis says:
Thanks! Expanding is probably the word I was looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And I had a funny feeling about the way those sentences felt, so combining them is definitely a great start to fixing that.
This is a start to my novel, so I’m happy that it has seemed to intrigue you about The System (which is explained later, don’t worry 🙂 )
February 16, 2015 — 11:38 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
There seems to be a lot of things going on in this paragraph, Lauren. The character alludes, maybe a bit too directly, to many things that the story will probably have to fill out. So, I wonder if it might be better to try and focus more on the conflict between the parents and the child. Perhaps one way to do it would be to start the snippet with the child’s aspirations and move into the conflict?
February 16, 2015 — 10:16 AM
Lauren Simonis says:
Hmm. I’m entirely sure what you mean. The conflict between the MC and the parents is not the main conflict of the novel. What do you think feels too direct? I do think I have some issues with this paragraph about it too much telling (maybe?) about what’s going on.
February 16, 2015 — 11:40 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
I thought the point of the paragraph was to highlight the conflict between the MC and the parents. At least, it read that way to me, so I assumed it would be a theme that carried through to the rest of the story. That’s one of the problems with such a short passage – its hard to get the context of what is going on around it.
February 16, 2015 — 11:57 AM
Lauren Simonis says:
Agreed. I’ll keep your comments in mind though. They are really helpful in a general sense (if not specific to this paragraph)! Thanks!
February 16, 2015 — 12:04 PM
persimmonromance says:
She looked so fragile. Dan Willauer held his sleeping wife’s hand and waited for the oncologist. He should wake Mindy up if the doctor ever came, although they both knew it wasn’t going to be good news. He wondered if they were going to be referred to hospice care this time, or if he was going to be allowed to just take his wife home and keep on hoping something might work for a few more weeks.
She was only forty-three years old. They’d only had seven years together. No children, and for a minute Dan wondered if he should regret that. Mindy hadn’t really ever thought about wanting them, and since Dan had screwed up so spectacularly with Ryan and Ryan’s mother he had been a little reluctant to suggest it. And just at the time it would have been now or never, Mindy had gotten sick.
Someone rapped softly on the door jamb and Dan looked up. Dr. Kaminski was standing there, holding several manila folders and looking sad and gentle. Dan figured he must be used to delivering bad news.
“Mr. Willauer? Don’t get up.” The doctor crossed the room to the bed, white coat flapping against his stork-like legs clad in black trousers. He was a good-looking guy, maybe ten years younger than Dan’s forty-eight, with wild blonde curls, a short beard, and morose blue eyes. Dan kind of thought the doctor might be gay, but he was absolutely freaking not going to check out his dying wife’s doctor. He reminded himself that he was straight, with three wives to prove it. And he was losing the one he might actually have made it work with.
February 16, 2015 — 9:49 AM
shauna says:
I’m very confused about this. What is happening? At first I thought the character was lying in bed because of the alarm clock, then she/he is staring into a box and is on his knees? Can you slow this all down by placing us in the setting first before the box appears? Perhaps give us some context of what the character is thinking about his father.
February 16, 2015 — 9:50 AM
Juli Hoffman says:
From my WIP:
Jason closed his eyes and clutched the steering wheel. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but I knew he was angry. Really angry. For a moment, I thought about those stories you see on the news, the ones where a normal, rational person crashes their car into a wall or through a building, no explanation given. I had often wondered, what would cause a person to do something like that? Perhaps I had my answer.
February 16, 2015 — 9:51 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
I really liked this, Juli. The one thing that stood out for me was the second and third sentences. It might be possible to strengthen the mood of anger and conflict if you used more description of Jason’s physical reactions and let the reader infer the anger?
February 16, 2015 — 10:05 AM
Juli Hoffman says:
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.
February 16, 2015 — 8:55 PM
Julie Griffith says:
You have conflict here, which is good, and you’ve done a good job of raising a question in the reader’s mind: What’s Jason angry about? What will happen? I do agree with the other commenter, though, that you shoud describe Jason’s actions or expression to convey his anger instead. Maybe he’s clenching his teeth or his nostrils are flaring, etc.
February 16, 2015 — 12:08 PM
Juli Hoffman says:
Thank you! Great ideas.
February 16, 2015 — 8:56 PM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
This is an outtake from the first few pages of my WIP where I am developing a couple of the main characters.
Talking to Fran was often harder than watching reality television. Her addiction to celebrity gossip tainted every conversation. And yet, Elin loved and depended on her friend. Fran could be annoying, but also charming and loyal in the extreme. It didn’t hurt that she attracted men like moths to a flame. While most ended up toasted, a few suitors would manage to escape the fire. At that point, they were easy pickings for Elin. She liked not having to work too hard for a social life, even if scavenging Fran’s rejects did little for her self-respect.
February 16, 2015 — 9:59 AM
Rachel Ambrose says:
I like these characters, but I think this paragraph could be a short story all in itself. You’re telling us here, not showing. Who’s Fran’s favorite celebrity? What particular man is she obsessed with this week? Which man does Elin like best, out of the sloppy seconds she gets? Try not to summarize, unless you illustrate more in the actual work.
February 16, 2015 — 10:26 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
Its funny that you should mention a short story, as I had considered going back and writing a scene that would bring the relationship between these two characters into better focus. The challenge will be doing it in a way that advances the plot, as the story isn’t primarily about this relationship (although it does have a role).
Thanks for the comment!
February 16, 2015 — 10:39 AM
Julie Griffith says:
I like the voice of this character, Elin. I really like “celebrity gossip tainted every conversation.” I worry that the moth to the flame metaphor may be too cliche, though. Maybe come up with your own clever way to describe how men fall at her feet (but not that cliche either). I hope there’s some dialogue just prior to or following this paragraph to show the reader an example of what you’re describing. Other than that, I think this is doing a good job of letting the reader know something significant about each of these characters. Also great job with grammar, sentence structure, etc.
February 16, 2015 — 10:37 AM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
Thanks Julie, and I did worry about that moth/flame thing when I wrote it. I think I agree that it is too cliche and will look for another way to bring out that idea.
February 16, 2015 — 11:00 AM
Stephanie Anders says:
I like a lot of this– the detail about Fran and celebrity gossip makes her real. But I’m questioning the reality of the relationship. You mentioned there are tropes and cliches, so would suggest that you make sure the characters are very real and be wary of stereotypes. (Don’t we all!)
February 16, 2015 — 3:03 PM
R.F. Kacy (@RFKacy) says:
Thanks Stephanie – I can see what you mean.
February 16, 2015 — 6:44 PM
Julie Griffith says:
First 100 words of my contemporary YA novel
As soon as my sister walked in the door, I knew. Maybe it was that unique, almost telepathic, bond identical twins share. Or it could have been the fact that her shirt was on inside-out.
“What?” she asked, stopping mid-stride when she noticed my scrutinizing stare. When I merely shook my head, she moved to the sofa where I was lounging and sat down at my feet. “What’s your problem?”
“Please tell me you didn’t, Allie,” I said, hoping she’d prove my suspicions wrong.
She hesitated a moment before answering. “Is it that obvious?”
I raised my eyebrows in response.
February 16, 2015 — 10:22 AM
Rachel Ambrose says:
What did Allie do!? It could be anything from sex to murder! I’d maybe take out the comma after telepathic, but that’s it for me as far as crit. It’s a really good hook.
February 16, 2015 — 10:30 AM
Julie Griffith says:
Thank you for the suggestion. I worried the opening wasn’t interesting enough, so I feel better now. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 11:30 AM
Amy says:
I like this! “Or it could have been the fact that her shirt was on inside-out” made me smile. Definitely want to read more… what did she do?? The fact that her shirt was on inside out in the first place could be a clue..?
February 16, 2015 — 12:42 PM
Julie Griffith says:
Thanks. Glad that line made you smile-there are a lot of dark themes in this, and I tried to insert a little humor here and there to lighten things up. The next page reveals that she what she did was lose her virginity to someone her sister thinks is a jerk.
February 17, 2015 — 8:11 AM
Jana Denardo says:
For context, this is first meeting of the two protagonists of a SF wip.
There was nothing else Aneurin could do now but face the young man he’d been given. The Toymakers had sent him nearly naked, adorned with several necklaces of Zabetian glitter-stone and an improbable privacy cover that defied classification as an article of clothing. Luminescent green cloth as gossamer and brilliant as a butterfly wing wrapped over the Toy’s belly and hips. It did little to hide the sway of his genitals as he padded closer to Aneurin, his feet bare. The Toy sank to his knees in front of Aneurin, so he must have been shown a holo of whom he was being given to. He canted his face up to Aneurin. Eyes, an inhuman color of sapphire, glared up at him. The Toymakers might have been able to dress him up, but they hadn’t ground every bit of hate and defiance from those slit-pupiled eyes. So, he was half Gariesan. Of course, leave it to Pherick to remember Aneurin’s professional – and sexual, if he was honest about it – interest in hybrids. Aneurin’s gaze slipped from those fierce eyes, moving down over the young man’s fine features to the delicate leather collar around his neck. From it dangled a charm bearing Aneurin’s house symbol. That was just too much, probably part of Masozi’s bells and whistles. He didn’t want to own a sentient being, damn Pherick. What was that idiot thinking?
February 16, 2015 — 10:24 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
I like this but I may be biased as you know I already like your work anyway. 🙂 I love the way you describe things. It’s very sensory oriented and tells us about the characters in a way that’s almost poetic. Is this a novel you’re working on?
February 16, 2015 — 11:53 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Thanks. Right now it’s the secondary novel I’m working on. I have another to finish before this gets my full attention. I’m really glad you like it though!
February 16, 2015 — 12:29 PM
Grymmlock says:
This is good. I would break it up into more than one paragraph, starting a new one after ‘his bare feet’ and again after ‘interest in hybrids’. Try and cut back on how many times you put Aneurin in there, as it gets repetitive and a little clunky, especially when it’s unnecessary. Like, ‘as he padded closer to Aneurin, his feet bare’, it would still make sense if you removed ‘to Aneurin’ since the scene is from Aneurin’s POV.
The middle section where it starts with ‘The Toy sank to his knees’ and ends with ‘interest in hybrids’ feels a little choppy. Some of the sentences could be combined or reworded to really improve the flow while still keeping the same level of descriptive detail.
All in all, I am intrigued by your story and would read more to find out how Aneurin handles owning a person, why he has a professional interest in hybrids, if his house symbol means he comes from a powerful family or if everyone belongs to a house and it’s not a big deal. These, and more, are things I would keep reading for. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 12:25 PM
Jana Denardo says:
Thanks. You make some good points. I’ll give it a tweak here and there along the lines you suggest. I’m glad it wanted to make you read more! All of those things do get revealed as we go.
February 16, 2015 — 12:30 PM
Beth Turnage says:
Loved this. Lush with description, setting and culture. Not much to change, though I would suggest that you change the two passive voice forms of “been given” to something more direct. With all that’s going on the passive voice slows the reading. Also it might read better to switch the order of two sentences.
Example: All Aneurin could do now was face the young man gifted to him. The Toymakers sent him nearly naked, adorned with several necklaces of Zabetian glitter-stone. Luminescent green cloth as gossamer and brilliant as a butterfly wing wrapped the Toy’s belly and hips. It was an improbable privacy cover that defied classification as an article of clothing.
Also three vague words, about, probably, and down can be pared or changed to sharpen the prose. Great job!
February 16, 2015 — 12:37 PM
Jana Denardo says:
Thank you, Beth. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’m great for putting in vague weasel words. I’ll have a look at it.
February 16, 2015 — 2:38 PM
Rachel Ambrose says:
First ~100 words of a flash fiction piece I’m polishing:
There’s nothing in the room except for him, and the soft rumpled sheets on their mattress on the floor, and she’s listening to the kiss-whip sound of his tie being knotted as she puts the finishing touches on her makeup. There’s never been anything except for him, and never will be.
She follows him down the ancient moldering staircase, with its dust caked bannister and creaky steps. The hushing noise of her kitten heels on the moth eaten carpet. She looks up, as she always does, at the chandelier which seems just the slightest bit more tarnished than when she saw it last. Its empty arms stretch out like winter branches, threatening to pluck her into the air, spiderwebs layered on its blackened brass like snow. The train of her dress is getting browner, collecting little whimsies of dirt as they go down.
The others are arriving now, tiny women with huge mufflers around their hands, men with their hats wet from the Saturday night drizzle. All have faces lined with the same glow that decorates her and her husband’s face. Edna Upma and her husband Ashoke look up, their mouths puckered into identical Os: it’s been a while since they’ve visited. “Such change!” she heard Edna hiss to Ashoke. And she pretends she doesn’t hear.
February 16, 2015 — 10:27 AM
Julie Griffith says:
Very intriguing. It has a dark, creepy, Victorian feel to it. One suggestion: I think I’d break up the first line. I’d end it at “floor”, and start a new sentence with “She listens to the kiss-whip sound…” I really like your unique descriptions. “The hushing noise” sentence seems incomplete to me. Maybe “Her heels make a hushing noise on the moth-eaten carpet as she descends.”?? Only other critique is at the end it should be “she hears” not “she heard” to keep it in present tense. Overall this opening drew me in and makes me want to know why they are in this decaying home and why she’s so obessessed with this man.
February 16, 2015 — 11:07 AM
Rachel Ambrose says:
Thanks for the crit! I caught the “heard” right after I posted it, heh. She’s not obsessed, just in love. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 11:13 AM
A. A. Woods says:
I like this! You did a great job creating the feel and atmosphere of the piece. A few points:
1. Some of the descriptions didn’t quite make sense to me (I couldn’t visualize”Kiss-Whip Sound” or “Hushing noise of her kitten heels” and the strangeness of them pulled me out of the story).
2. The present-tense felt a bit odd. It might just be because I’m not used to it, but it was something I noticed.
3. If this is the beginning of a story, I would personally put more in these first few paragraphs for the reader to understand what’s going on. What is the man’s name? What is their relationship? Married or living together? Where is this house? Is this in our world or another? I’m sure you deal with all of that eventually, but I felt confused reading this part.
Well done though! You are awesome at describing settings.
February 16, 2015 — 1:24 PM
Rachel Ambrose says:
Thanks for your crit! It’s flash fiction, so it’s pretty sketchy – the feel and atmosphere are meant to stand out. Sometimes people really connect to the way I describe things, and sometimes they don’t. The two are married (you get that tidbit about two or three sentences later), and they’re ghosts having a ghost party. Does that make the story make any more sense? Should have provided that info before the excerpt, I realize. 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 3:42 PM
Jana Denardo says:
There is great images in this. I never thought about a tie being knotted as having a sound. I’m curious why they’re upstairs of a place in such a state. You do a very good job of describing the staircase so I don’t think we need the adjective ‘ancient.’ We get that from the description.
February 16, 2015 — 4:12 PM
Grymmlock says:
This is a paragraph from a project I’ve been working on for a while. I tried to find something that portrayed the voice of the story, but might still need some help. 😡
Edin felt it when the teleportation spell started to fail early. “Oh shit, hold-” she managed before the spell ended with a concussive force that sent the three of them in different directions. She tumbled several yards before her momentum was halted by a well placed building, her right arm and the right side of her face becoming intimate with the brick.
“Fu- Shi- Mother- Dammit that hurts,” she cursed, blinking her eyes to try and focus on her surroundings.
Her vision seemed to move lazily from normal to double vision as she looked around. A voice in the back of her mind informed her that that was probably not a good thing, but she ignored it in favor of surviving now. To her left was a strange fog that she almost could not even look at and she seemed to be in an older district of the city, where more of the original building materials had been kept.
“It could be worse,” she muttered, scooting herself up the side of the building into a sitting position.
February 16, 2015 — 10:30 AM
Rachel Ambrose says:
Couple things: I’d use something more action-y instead of “becoming intimate with the brick” – “slammed into the brick,” for example. What are the other two people doing (who are they?) while Edin is looking around and trying to figure things out? Are they hurt? What’s the fog like? And “Damnit,” has an n, not two m’s. Overall, though, enjoyed it!
February 16, 2015 — 10:34 AM
Grymmlock says:
Thank you. I’ve always seen dammit with two m’s, so I googled it. According to dictionary.com it’s ‘dammit’ when it’s one word, but ‘damn it’ when it’s not. Gotta love the English language… I’m glad you pointed out the questions that this scene raises for you because it made me check to see if I’d actually answered them; all of those questions get answered later (and earlier, in the case of the fog) than this scene. Glad you enjoyed it, it’s always one of my fears that I’ll write something no one will like.
February 16, 2015 — 12:05 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
I like the concept. It has me intrigued. I agree that the brick part could be a bit more intense. Try to really give a sense of how hard she hit the wall. And the sentence about the fog seems a bit long and convoluted. I had to read it several times to make sense of it.
February 16, 2015 — 11:25 AM
Grymmlock says:
Thanks for the feedback. Yea, I’m trying to work out the sentence with the fog to make sense. :/ The fog is magical (has a sort of notice-me-not element), and it’s mentioned in a previous scene, so I didn’t want to spend too much time on it here, just Edin cataloging her surroundings. I wanted to point out that she /could/ look at it, it was just a bit difficult for her because of the magic.
February 16, 2015 — 11:50 AM
Jennifer Williams (@JenWilliams13) says:
I actually liked the “intimate with the brick” part. It felt less cliche to me, like it lent to the feel of this section and gave us a sense of the character. Overall I like this and would be interested in reading more.
February 16, 2015 — 11:49 AM
Grymmlock says:
Thank you! I’m glad you like it. And I’m glad you like the ‘intimate with the brick’ part, because that’s very much an Edin way of viewing things.
February 16, 2015 — 12:08 PM
A Citizen of the World says:
The first paragraph made me chuckle and that hooked me because it sounds and feels a little bit like an action comedy. Basically, it’s like the answer to the eternal question of: “So I’m doing X… what could go wrong?”
I agree with the critique pointing out that “her face becoming intimate with the brick” is not strong enough a description to convey the force of her slamming against the wall. Perhaps just change it to “her right arm and the right side of her face slamming against the brick wall”?
“Her vision seemed to move lazily from normal to double vision” also doesn’t sound quite right due to the adjective “lazily”. Maybe pick another adjective like “drunkenly” or “groggily”?
February 16, 2015 — 9:36 PM
Grymmlock says:
Thanks for the feedback. 🙂 Seems the general consensus is to change the ‘intimate’ to something more potent, so that’s going to happen. And I will definitely change the vision line. It’s one of the lines that I kept staring at and couldn’t quite figure out, so this helps a lot. And the fact that you like it gives me warm fuzzies. 😀
February 17, 2015 — 11:42 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Well, I like it because what you wrote is my jam!
We should start an online writers’ group for our WIPs, hehe!
February 17, 2015 — 9:47 PM
Jana Denardo says:
I liked this a lot. This line- Edin felt it when the teleportation spell started to fail early. Is it possible to described what she’s feeling instead of using ‘felt it?’
February 16, 2015 — 9:37 PM
Grymmlock says:
That is an extremely good point. I have a bad habit of telling and not showing in my writing. :0 I will definitely fix that. Thank you!
February 17, 2015 — 11:45 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Don’t feel bad. So do I.
February 18, 2015 — 12:29 AM
Ady says:
Caspar stood at the window contemplating the sprawl below. Neon lit streets were awash with crowds, intermittently speared by searchlights from the patrol aircraft drifting above them. Glass fronted buildings rose through the smog pulsing with a riot of colour, nestling alongside the black corporate skyscrapers that loomed over everything like monolithic sentinels.
He glanced over his shoulder at his companion, her features cast in harsh monochrome by the light of the high-end micro deck she was working with.
“How we doing?”
February 16, 2015 — 10:42 AM
Mir says:
I love the atmosphere–I get the sense of spears of color and sharp, bright lines in the black, which is a fun aesthetic, good for the sense of non-imminent danger that I feel like you’re going for.
Two things:
1. Some of the sentences would be better off broken up, either with commas or slightly reworked (to more smoothly include commas). “Caspar stood at the window [comma] contemplating” and “glass-fronted buildings rose through the smog pulsing with a riot of color” are the ones that were jarring to me.
2. Go for specific verbs. Maybe I’ve read On Writing three too many times, but the second I see the word “were” or “was”, I’ve been knocked a step back from the story. “Neon-lit streets” [teemed] with crowds, maybe? Same for “micro-deck she was working with”. A more specific verb (and a slight sentence rearrangement to support it) would really punch up the tone–or, failing that, mention that it’s in her hands or beside her face or over her head or wherever, which’ll give a better sense of the kind of thing you’re talking about (since with only this paragraph for context, I can’t picture it). “Features cast in harsh monochrome [which is a description I adore, by the way] by the light of the high-end microdeck in her hands” flows better.
You paint pretty pictures with words, and I like it.
February 16, 2015 — 11:40 AM
Madam_W says:
Boy is it hard judging a loose paragraph! Hmm, that was pretty well built. I liked it, but I think you spend too much time building a picture. Descriptions need to be quick and efficient, but you’re almost there! Great work!
February 16, 2015 — 11:53 AM
cuttydarke says:
I like the atmosphere and the texture of it. It feels like you’re about to tell me about a world of bright light and hidden powers and dangerous technology.
I think you might be missing out a couple of hyphens. Shouldn’t it be “Neon-lit” and “Glass-fronted”? Or is that just me?
Could you use a word other than aircraft? It sounds deliberately vague. It makes me feel like whatever they are they aren’t helicopters or planes but you’re not going to tell me what they are yet.
The description of the skyscrapers might feel stronger if you tell me that they *are* looming monolithic sentinels. Maybe it’s personal taste but I like it when authors are bold with metaphors,
February 16, 2015 — 12:37 PM
Elaina M. Roberts says:
Opening paragraph of a scifi lite romance . Will return to read and comment later today.
Subject 5691 prowled the small room. In one corner, a tiny red light flashed. The scientists were watching again. Always watching when they weren’t poking and prodding until he screamed. They kept notes on his actions, his moods, his vitals. Every word, every twitch, every expression recorded by the soulless doctors and their bots. He learned not to give them what they demanded. It took more to make him scream, now. They noted that as well.
February 16, 2015 — 11:12 AM
M.A. Kropp says:
Interesting opening. I think I would like a bit more description on the room itself: is there any color? What are the walls? Is it hot? Cold? Furniture? The whole thing seems a bit impersonal, and makes it hard to get a handle on the character.
February 16, 2015 — 11:31 AM
Elaina M. Roberts says:
Thank you. The room is described within the next paragraph or two, but adhering to the word limit precluding me posting those (it’s a stark white room, btw, another experiment on sensory deprivation).
February 16, 2015 — 5:01 PM
H.R.Johnston says:
I really like where this is going and is well written. The only thing is these two sentences, ‘They kept notes on his actions, his moods, his vitals. Every word, every twitch, every expression recorded by the soulless doctors and their bots.’, seem a little redundant. Maybe you could combine them into one sentence.
February 16, 2015 — 12:41 PM
Elaina M. Roberts says:
Thank you. 🙂 I’ll work on those to smooth that out a bit.
February 16, 2015 — 5:02 PM
A. A. Woods says:
This is a very intriguing first paragraph. It’s a great hook, with the “subject” idea and the scientists. However, I think a lot of what you say here is telling where it could be shown. Some of the sentences like “poking and prodding until he screamed”, “they kept notes on [everything]”, and “soulless doctors” could be shown and would add a lot of depth to the world.
For example, your character could reminisce about a time that he didn’t scream, or something particularly soulless that the doctors did. Just telling the reader that the doctors are soulless doesn’t create an emotional investment, but showing them torturing or studying a main character we bond with would be more satisfying.
Thanks for sharing!
February 16, 2015 — 1:29 PM
Elaina M. Roberts says:
Thank you! I didn’t want to start off with a ‘flash back’ so to speak, which is why it’s touched on so lightly here. His experiences are detailed later on which definitely shows their sadistic side. I’ll play around with backing the story up a day or so to include a day in the lab.
February 16, 2015 — 5:05 PM
Julie Griffith says:
You have conflict here, which is good, and you’ve done a good job of raising a question in the reader’s mind: What’s Jason angry about? What will happen? I do agree with the other commenter, though, that you shoud describe Jason’s actions or expression to convey his anger instead. Maybe he’s clenching his teeth or his nostrils are flaring, etc.
February 16, 2015 — 11:37 AM
Julie Griffith says:
Um, apparently I f’ed up because this is comment is for a paragraph way up above. Sorry, oops, disregard.
February 16, 2015 — 11:46 AM
Butch McGovern says:
From a short story about attaining knowledge of everything, and the cost of that burden.
I don’t realize until much later, when I begin the cleanup that there’s no stench of decay. No flies. The body isn’t rigored and the purple flesh is still the same dark hue, no pallor that sets in after that much blood loss.
I guess it’s part of the benefits of being a supreme being; Live slow, die old and leave a good-looking corpse.
I had to wait until the next morning to move the body. Thing had to weigh close to four hundred pounds. I did not need my neighbor coming outside to catch me in the act of slowly dragging an invisible corpse. Once she left for work, I got started. Before it was even off the porch I was soaked with sweat and panting. Not even nine A.M. and the humidity was killing me. I fucking hate Florida. I made it to the lawn in about ten minutes and I swear the body gained ten pounds with every step. I was bent over, hands on my knees and panting when the mailman walked up. Immediate panic settled in.
I am so fucked, I thought, as he noticed me hunched over in the grass. ” ‘morning” he bellowed,“Hot day to be working out, ain’t it?” He said cheerfully, walking over to hand me my mail.
“Uh. Yeah.” I managed between breaths.
“Be careful” he warns, walking away “hate to find you dead on the lawn tomorrow!”
I remember thinking that he either couldn’t see the body, or he was the coolest mother fucker around and was waiting to get out of range before calling the cops. Lucky for me it was the former.I no longer had it in me to budge the thing another inch. I went inside, swearing I’d figure something else out later.
February 16, 2015 — 11:38 AM
M.A. Kropp says:
Well, I certainly want to know what’s going on here. The only part I had trouble with was the last paragraph. You established above that the corpse is invisible, and yet, here, your character is worried aobut the mailman seeing it. That was a bit confusing. Otherwise, it’s not bad.
February 16, 2015 — 11:44 AM
Butch McGovern says:
Ah, nice catch. Yeah, the neighbor earlier in the story acted completely unaware of the body as she stood over it, so the protagonist is assuming (hoping) no one else can see it.
Thank you!
February 16, 2015 — 11:48 AM
M.A. Kropp says:
Thank you! I was worried there wasn’t enough “Ooh, what’s going on?” in there. And, yes, Jeff’s coming up to the door and hearing the voices is just before this bit of dialogue. Trying to keep it reasonably short.
February 16, 2015 — 12:07 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
Oops, sorry! Wrong post!
February 16, 2015 — 12:08 PM
T, Hammond (@THammondwrites) says:
I was a little confused as to why she thought the mailman could see an invisible body (maybe indents in the grass?), but I am intrigued by what’s going on. Also, keep an eye out for how often you use the word “that”– in many cases, not necessary
February 16, 2015 — 12:33 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
“Someone died!” The voice was Philip’s.
“Calm down!” replied a second voice that Jeff didn’t recognize. “Someone will hear you. I am sorry for the death, but this is a dangerous business, and a dangerous game we are playing. Risks must be taken if we are to achieve our goal. The spell was set. There was nothing he could do when those men got in the way. Tragic as the death may be, it will only serve to make Daron’s position weaker. We can use this to our advantage, Philip.”
“I don’t know,” Philip said. “What if they blame me? I’m the one who was here today, not Daron.”
“They won’t,” the other said. Jeff could almost see the dismissive wave of a hand. “That’s why we have someone in the ranks. To make sure the blame falls where it needs to. Just go on as you always do. We are close, Philip. The mine and the Council will be ours very soon. Don’t lose your courage now.” Jeff pulled away from the door quickly as he heard movement inside the office.
February 16, 2015 — 11:39 AM
Butch McGovern says:
Well, there is an instant need to follow the intrigue, here. I was confused about the faceless voices until the end, when it’s revealed that Jeff was listening at the door. I’m sure that’s established prior to this part, though. Keep it up!
February 16, 2015 — 11:53 AM
M.A. Kropp says:
Thank you! I was worried there wasn’t enough “Ooh, what’s going on?” in there. And, yes, Jeff’s coming up to the door and hearing the voices is just before this bit of dialogue. Trying to keep it reasonably short.
February 16, 2015 — 12:08 PM
Madam_W says:
Loved this, if anything, I’d cut down the first dialogue of the second voice a bit. good stuff!
February 16, 2015 — 11:57 AM
M.A. Kropp says:
Thansk!
February 16, 2015 — 12:10 PM
Julie Griffith says:
This is an intriguing conversation. I think it might benefit from a brief description of the voices, like was Philip’s voice shaky, high-pitched, or panicked? Was the other voice calm, deep, or stern? The person of the second voice seems to use stiff or formal speech. This may be intentional and be the way the character speaks. If not, I’d use more contractions to make it sound more natural. I think maybe the second voice’s first line of dialogue may need to be broken up. That’s an awful lot to say at once. This does pique my interest, though, and I would read on to find out more.
February 16, 2015 — 12:04 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
Thank you! Good points, and I will look at it again with those in mind.
February 16, 2015 — 12:12 PM
A. A. Woods says:
This is great tension, and great exposition of story through dialogue.
My one critique is that the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, and I can tell you’re trying to get information out through your characters. I feel like they are saying things that people in the situation wouldn’t actually say, just for the sake of the reader, which pulls me out of the story. To fix this, I would make each piece of dialogue shorter and more quippy, and I would increase their back-and-forth. I would break up what the two of them say into shorter pieces and have it be more of a conversation.
I also agree that more descriptions (hissed, panted, squeaked, etc.) would allow me to visualize it better.
Example (you can ignore this if you like, this is just me playing around):
“Someone died!” cried Phillip.
“Calm down! Someone will hear you.” Hissed Jeff.
“But – ”
“We had to take the risk. They got in the way. There was nothing to be done, and it gives us the advantage over Daron.”
“But what if they blame me?”
“They won’t. That’s what our man in the ranks is for.”
February 16, 2015 — 1:39 PM
Bob Iozzia says:
(From a satirical, fictitious memoir of an actual person of mystery and notoriety.)
As a matter of rumor perpetuating (in which I do not usually participate unless it sullies the reputation of others), I heard that upon encountering a dog, a gypsy will attempt to sniff its rear end. Of course, the dog is highly offended and always chomps the gypsy’s face in retaliation. That is why gypsies (male and female alike) have repugnant, blotchy mustaches and speak unintelligibly — almost as if a dog bit their face.
February 16, 2015 — 11:46 AM
T, Hammond (@THammondwrites) says:
I have to admit, I am completely repulsed by the imagery, which may be your intention– but as a whole, this doesn’t make much sense to me.
February 16, 2015 — 12:46 PM
mattblackattack says:
I see what you’re going for here. My biggest criticism is the first line, up to the end of the parentheses. That’s the funniest part of the entry, but it needs to flow better. The phrase ‘rumor perpetuating’ is the reverse of how you usually read/hear that phrase (perpetuating rumors), and it seems like it would work just as well that way. When you add in what is written in the parentheses, it is pretty funny, but I had to stop reading to get the full effect. That slows the flow, which I don’t think you were going for.
February 16, 2015 — 6:21 PM
Bob Iozzia says:
Thanks to you both for taking the time to critique my entry.
It is difficult to make sense of an out-of-context piece, especially when the guidelines of one paragraph and approx. 100 words are followed. While the imagery in the ms will not appeal to everyone, it is necessary to the story’s tone and portrayal of its era.
My protag speaks parenthetically on occasion for valid reasons that I will not get into here, but I understand and appreciate the comment about interrupted flow. I will seriously look at that issue’s impact on the entire ms.
Thanks again. ~~Bob Iozzia
February 17, 2015 — 11:37 AM
mattblackattack says:
I didn’t have a problem with him speaking parenthetically (15-letter word, nice). Like I said, it’s funny. There’s only one purpose of rumors, and your character not only admits what no one else does but actively embraces it. Very Oscar Wilde. I would really like to read more of this.
February 17, 2015 — 12:01 PM
Bob Iozzia says:
Thanks very much, Matt. It is fun for me to write; I hope it will be fun for readers.
February 17, 2015 — 2:22 PM
Madam_W says:
Last year, I was called to set up the computer of a new employee, a girl named Miriam Haworth. I took the elevator, because the IT department sat somewhere between Hell and the building’s garage, while Accounts rested some twenty floors above.
Miriam waited for me when the elevator door opened. She wore a black skirt and a black suit jacket, and beneath that she had a white T-shirt featuring Ben Kenobi from Star Wars. She smiled and shook my hand.
I loved her from that moment on. I can’t explain why, it was something that just was, like Boson particles or my mom’s talent for baking apple pies.
February 16, 2015 — 11:55 AM
Ashley Dominique says:
This section feels staccato. I did this. She did that. It would be a bit more enjoyable if there was more variation to the sentence structure. A bit more reactions scattered through the descriptions would help. For example, she’s wearing a Ben Kenobi shirt, how does your POV character feel about that. Is it something that amuses them, that they find nerdy, is it endearing, or do they have a sudden urge to ask who shot first? How the POV character reacts to the world tells us a lot about the character while coloring the world.
February 16, 2015 — 12:23 PM
Madam_W says:
Good points! Thanks! : )
February 16, 2015 — 12:41 PM
tdlmaine says:
First I don’t always know exactly what I like until I allow it to settle. Not knowing the whole story I can see where this is going. I like that. I went about looking at it differently than most might. I rewrote it as if I were submitting it. Can’t say I like it better, but it has fewer words. Words that I felt weren’t necessary or got in the way. What’s the story to? Already published or still working it? Good job and keep it up.
Her name was Miriam Haworth. A year ago I was called to set-up her computer in the Accounts department. I hadn’t met her yet, but assumed she was just another numbers cruncher. The ascent from the IT department was strictly an elevator ride. The IT department lived somewhere between Hell and the garage.
She met me at the elevator door. She wore a black skirt with a black jacket. Under the jacket was a white T-shirt featuring Benn Kenobi. She smiled and shook my hand. I loved her from that moment.
February 16, 2015 — 12:34 PM
Madam_W says:
Very helpful, thanks! Still working on it ; )
February 16, 2015 — 12:40 PM
tdlmaine says:
This is from Book Two, Dying in DC. (A continuation of The Willowdale Conspiracy)
Hansen walked. He liked to walk. Walking cleared his head and gave him time to think. It had to be alone. He didn’t like to have people walking with him and jabbering in his ear with their complaints how life had cheated them. This walk was different. It was on Churchill’s estate. On this walk, twenty yards behind him, there was a man with a carbine. Churchill didn’t like to take chances. The cameras weren’t enough.
He was flown down on Churchill’s private jet. Something he’d have to look into as far as ethics. Would he have to pay for it? Right now he couldn’t afford to pay Churchill for more than a good dinner. That’s what this was all about. How to get from A to B, B being the White House. At least that’s what Hansen thought.
February 16, 2015 — 11:57 AM
Julie Griffith says:
This is an intriguing conversation. I think it might benefit from a brief description of the voices, like was Philip’s voice shaky, high-pitched, or panicked? Was the other voice calm, deep, or stern? The person of the second voice seems to use stiff or formal speech. This may be intentional and be the way the character speaks. If not, I’d use more contractions to make it sound more natural. I think maybe the second voice’s first line of dialogue may need to be broken up. That’s an awful lot to say at once. This does pique my interest, though, and I would read on to find out more.
February 16, 2015 — 11:57 AM
Julie Griffith says:
Oh my God, I did it again-commented in the wrong space. I need to go to bed before I mess this all up. My apologies.
February 16, 2015 — 12:06 PM
jasonjoel (@jasonjoel) says:
Opening lines from My Life is in That Phone: Tales from the ‘No Service’ Industry…
“You don’t understand; my life is in that phone.”
She makes an unnatural face. Her pretty face morphs into a face that doesn’t belong on her, or in public. Picture her as she usually is, an attractive person. Imagine the face she would make while witnessing a homeless person defecate on a baby. Now take away the shock and leave only the disgust. That’s the face she is giving me. And we just met fifteen minutes ago. And I’m just doing my job.
“What’s wrong with it??” the face asks.
February 16, 2015 — 12:07 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
I am not sure about the second paragraph. I think I know what you’re going for, but it doesn’t really work here for me. Not sure what needs to be changed, but it just reads a bit off.
February 16, 2015 — 12:15 PM
mattblackattack says:
I really like it. I love the title, too.
I think the problem M.A. is referring to is the disconnect between “Picture her as she usually is…” and “…we just met fifteen minutes ago…”
Those two don’t mesh.
Other than that, I like it a lot!
February 16, 2015 — 6:26 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
Thank you! Good points, and I will look at it again with those in mind.
February 16, 2015 — 12:11 PM
M.A. Kropp says:
??? How did this end up here? Sorry.
February 16, 2015 — 12:12 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
I’m hanging out with cowboys today, so this comes from my western genre WIP:
The dry wind carved a path through the canyon, casting wayward dust into Indian Territory. Patience missed the moisture long vacant from her eyes. She would cry for the sun scalding her cheeks, if she had any tears left to bargain with.
February 16, 2015 — 12:16 PM
Stephanie Anders says:
This is good and really close to great. Two thoughts– wayward dust seems off to me. Also, the “would cry for” line seems to lack connection. Is she bargaining or just wanting to weep? Good luck and have fun!
February 16, 2015 — 3:29 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
Hey thanks! I’ll take good any day, and really close to great gives me a direction to work for.
I’ve got your comment filed on my “things to watch” list, so when I go back for edits, it’ll help immensely.
Thanks again!
February 17, 2015 — 3:59 AM
bklynwriter says:
It took several moments before realizing that the pounding was not in my head, but at my door. My eyelashes were stuck together, and my eyelids did not have the strength to pry themselves apart. Just lifting my hand to my eyes made me wish for death. Well, maybe not death, but certainly unconsciousness. I carefully opened one eye. All I could see was the small crack between my couch and the floor where I was lying. Taking a deep breath, I lifted myself onto my elbows. The knocking stopped momentarily, but I knew it would start again at any moment. I sat up, leaning back against the couch. Everything I wore the night before, except for the panties I still had on, was all over the living room. One boot managed to land on the kitchen counter, knocking over a candle. I crawled into the bathroom and picked up a t-shirt from the laundry basket. I sniffed; it smelled clean, so I put it on and grabbed a pair of sweats out of the same pile. Caffeine was calling my name, but I had to stop the incessant pounding. I dry-swallowed some pills and prepared to put whoever was at my door on blast.
February 16, 2015 — 12:17 PM
Andreah (@AndreahBea) says:
I like your descriptions of the eyelashes and eyelids. It really gave me a feel for what state this character is in right now. I think “One boot had managed” might be a little clearer. This might be too much, but could you add some imagery of how this character feels once sitting up and leaning against the couch? I’m not sure what has happened-hangover, beaten up, etc., but usually when you sit up and the blood rushes, you can feel dizzy, light-headed, headache, migraine, etc. I’m also unsure what “on blast” means at the end.
February 16, 2015 — 12:32 PM
bklynwriter says:
Thanks for the comments. I’m glad you pointed out ‘on blast’. I must remind myself to not use slang that is not relevant.
February 17, 2015 — 4:10 PM
Misa says:
I find “crack” an odd word choice. I imagine a jagged line, and I had to read the sentence again to make sense of it.
You need to drop “momentarily, but I knew it would start again at any moment”. Unless your protagonist knows who’s at the door, there’s no way they’d know whether the knocking would start again or not.
“One boot managed” needs a “had”, because that happened in the past.
Lastly, where did the pills come from?
February 16, 2015 — 12:38 PM
bklynwriter says:
Thanks, Misa for pointing out the parts that are still in m head, and did not translate properly to paper.
February 17, 2015 — 4:13 PM
shauna says:
I quite like this…especially the sniffing of yesterday’s clothes. I agree with Misa re: the “small crack” and the knocking, but these are easy fixes. Perhaps an indication of whether the character is male or female? This could be done by the clothes he/she puts on, ie: put on my dirty bra, etc. All in all, I’m intrigued.
February 16, 2015 — 2:19 PM
bklynwriter says:
Thanks Shauna for pointing out the lack of gender identification….that is a topic for another story!!
February 17, 2015 — 4:14 PM
Beth Turnage says:
Great description of someone waking up from a hangover. IMO could use some word surgery. You have thirty pronouns in this paragraph. That’s a little too much repetition for me. Also agree with other comments about seeing a small crack and the door ‘on blast.’ I wasn’t sure what those meant.
Otherwise I get a nice sense of the decadence of your MC.
February 18, 2015 — 9:27 AM
SKSwords says:
These are the opening paragraphs from my YA sci-fi novel. Sutton is a college student who is suddenly, and at random times, transported to alternate universes.
***
Once again, the soda machine got the best of her.
Suttn was darting through the crowded corridor connecting two lecture halls that provided a perfect short cut, especially in bad weather. She didn’t have time to run to the nearest cafeteria and she had to get something in her stomach, so she stopped for a drink, burrowing through her purse for change.
Yessss. The exact amount. This substantially reduced the chance that she’d have her money spit back at her, or see it eaten without giving her anything she’d paid for.
She shoved the change through the slot and punched the “Diet Coke” button, and the can started its descent. Before it hit the bottom, it became wedged between the clear front of the vending machine and the lower stacks.
Staring in disbelief, Sutton slapped the plexiglass lightly at first, then harder. The slaps became pounding as she banged with her fist. The can wouldn’t budge; it lay there, stuck, with the logo gleaming and teasing her with a separation that felt like miles instead of millimeters thick.
February 16, 2015 — 12:22 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
Love that starting sentence.
When you revisit this, you may want to tighten the last paragraph, in particular “the slaps became pounding as she banged with her fist.” Slap, pound, bang all pretty much say the same thing. Try to look at other ways of showing force. Go from pounding to shaking the machine instead, or cut the line and go with a simpler structure, “In disbelief, and then in unbridled anger, Sutton slammed her fist against the plexiglass. The can refused to budge…”
Good luck. Sounds like you’ve got a solid premise and a solid first line. That’s half the battle done!
February 16, 2015 — 1:35 PM
SKSwords says:
Thank you so much! You brought up some great points, and I appreciate that you took the time to give me your thoughts. That last ‘graph could use more work.
The idea for this story – in particular, the AUs she’s visiting – came out of the blue, and I’m going with it even though I’ve never written sci-fi before. It’s challenging, but that’s what it’s all about!
February 16, 2015 — 3:38 PM
D.C. Perry says:
That opening line. ‘Tis a very good one. It introduces a comical sort of situation, and the main character, at least to me, immediatley strikes me as a playful, imaginative sort with those those sorts of thoughts.
February 17, 2015 — 8:55 PM
Andreah (@AndreahBea) says:
I would like some help with the imagery I’m trying to convey here. I think what I write can be confusing sometimes. Any suggestions welcome! This character is in art school and getting ready to paint.
Dragging the makeshift, wicker table up to the edge of the blanket made Mira see the side of the table that held a memory. The wicker on side was a messy, rainbow of colors. Images flashed in her mind like a car’s lights flashing from its brights to dims. The first image was Mira painting for an assignment two semesters ago. The second image came in pounding as hard as Mira’s heart-lips pressed tightly against hers. Her palette full of rich and expensive colors fell from her right hand and thumb; crashing into the side of the wicker table. Mira woke to present day and smiled at the memory. It always reminded her to put the wicker table to the left of the canvas instead of the right. It made it more difficult for her left hand to get more paint when she needed it, but at least the palette wouldn’t fall into the table again.
February 16, 2015 — 12:25 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
Your imagery is perfect for the scene and unique to your voice. What you might be having difficulty with isn’t the imagery as much as it is the structure of your sentences. Do you remember diagramming or dissecting sentences in English at school? If you apply the method to your sentences, you should be able to see with more clarity what your readers might get hung up on.
The first sentence:
Identify the verb and identify the subject. Is the main verb “dragging” or “made to see”? Is the main subject the table or Mira? As it stands right now, it isn’t very clear. If we switch the words around a little though, and weed out some duplicate words, you can get a clearer picture and still have the imagery you want. .
“Mira dragged her makeshift, wicker table to the edge of the blanket, revealing the memory hidden on its side.”
Or try other verbs too. Like exposing instead of revealing.
Just something to keep in mind when you go to revisit this for edits. Don’t sweat about it too much until then.
Where I really got hung up, though, is “The second image came in pounding as hard as Mira’s heart-lips pressed tightly against hers.”
1. “Mira’s heart-lips” shifts the scene out of her point of view because she shouldn’t be able to see her own lips.
2. pressed tightly against hers. Her who and her what?
3. This sentence is followed immediately by “Her palette full”, so we now don’t know if the palette belongs to Mira or to the second female from the previous sentence.
What I do like about this sentence though is the pounding. You nailed a sense of urgency here but it loses it’s punch because of the three things I listed above.
All in all though, you’re using some great words to paint this picture. And your voice is very strong. So I think with just a little more attention to the structure and you’ll have a dynamic scene.
February 17, 2015 — 5:14 AM
Andreah (@AndreahBea) says:
Thank you! This was really helpful. This was my first draft, but your comments will be great for moving on with the story. The sentences you mentioned I knew needed work. It’s always helpful when someone else reads it. Thanks again!
February 17, 2015 — 1:55 PM
H.R.Johnston says:
Opening paragraph from my current WIP.
I can feel my throat swell with the overpowering stench of rich perfume. Womens gowns made from only the most luxurious fabrics available flowed down around them as they sat regally in their plush chairs. Their hair mangled into an elegant style sat atop their heavily makeup ridden faces. If you look close enough you can see the pins the older women wore on the sides of their cheeks to help keep their skin looking taut all night. Their lips pursed and lined in precision. They are figures of perfection. The men stood around the tables with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a fat cigar in the other. Their hair is slicked back and mustaches curled to a point. Fitted black suits are crowned with a black bow tie. All the men look identical which is making it difficult for me to spot King Carlack. I stand in the corner by the swinging door that lead into the kitchen. The smell of roasted pork decorated in fresh rosemary is making my stomach turn. I wonder if the guests knew that the pork was actually the remains of the slain inmates from last night’s riots, that they would still engorge themselves with it.
“What are you doing all the way back here, sugar lump?”
Jesus, I hate it when he sneaks up from behind. “Just taking it all in…love.” If I didn’t need to be betrothed to Markel I would slap his grimy hand off my ass.
February 16, 2015 — 12:33 PM
shelton keys dunning says:
My suggestion, when you revisit this for edits, would be to watch your verb tenses. The first sentence is present tense, the second sentence appears to be past tense…Also, that first sentence could read that the throat is the source of the stench. I’d suggest maybe “The overpowering stench of rich perfume makes my throat swell closed” or something along those lines.
Also, even though this is first person POV, you’ll still want to be careful using second person reference: “If you look close enough you can see” because anytime you address the readers “you” you run the risk of breaking them from your story and that affects the flow. Switching to “Someone with a discerning eye can see the pins” or something akin to it could make the same point without breaking into the readers’ world.
Just something to think about.
I laughed out loud at first and then groaned about the inmates…so I think you’ve got an engaging start. I’d want to slap Markel’s hand away too!
February 17, 2015 — 5:33 AM
H.R.Johnston says:
Thank you for your advice. This is the first time I have written in the first person POV so any pointers really help! 🙂
February 17, 2015 — 8:21 PM
Ashley Dominique says:
One paragraph, less than a hundred words. Here’s the opening to one of my WIPs.
—
The white walls were as blank as Khea’s mind. The barren room was in desperate need of a decorator to spruce up the monotone palette. There was a bed, a chair, four walls, and a small entourage of men around her bedside that she didn’t know. Men she couldn’t know because no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t pull any memories from the banks of her mind.
February 16, 2015 — 12:34 PM
Kiyakiy says:
I like this and it does make me curious about what has happened to Khea, but she doesn’t have any emotions here. If I woke up surrounded by unknown men in a little white room I’d be freaking out! Maybe you could add in some of her thoughts, and maybe she is just really calm, but I think you need to make that clearer if that’s what you’re going for. The sentence about the room needing a decorator makes it sound like she’s pretty comfortable.
February 16, 2015 — 12:55 PM
cuttydarke says:
Only 93 words.This is the disclaimer at the start of my WIP. If you opened a book and saw this what would you think? Would you want to read more? And would it work in a query letter?
______
This is a work of fiction.
Totally.
There is absolutely no secret organisation charged with the occult defence of the realm.
And it’s certainly not called The Department.
Or Department Y.
And the Emergency Powers (Defence) Act 1939 was completely repealed in 1959.
Yes that is a bit late but it’s got nothing to do with us.
Yes we are aware that this is exactly what a secret organisation charged with the occult defence of the realm would say.
There is no us.
There is no we.
Nothing to see here.
Move along
______
In the original it’s centered so it looks a bit neater.
February 16, 2015 — 12:45 PM
Peter B. says:
I like this. The first four lines alone suck me right in. I want to know more. However, I think there’s opportunity in the second half to streamline a bit more. I might even suggest removing lines six and seven altogether. This feels like information that could be revealed more organically later. Just a thought.
February 16, 2015 — 1:23 PM
cuttydarke says:
Thanks
February 16, 2015 — 2:57 PM
shauna says:
I especially like the first 5 sentences but by then, I get what you are doing. I think you should be careful to not appear too ‘cute’ in the opening. Perhaps pare back a bit and then move fast into the story. But intriguing beginning. Well done.
February 16, 2015 — 2:23 PM
cuttydarke says:
Thanks.
February 16, 2015 — 3:05 PM
Julie Griffith says:
Ooh, I do like this method of introducing the story. I think the line, “Totally” could be scratched. I also agree that it would benefit from eliminating lines 6 and 7 and saving that for later. It reads kind of like one of those blurbs on the backof a book. Great hook.
February 16, 2015 — 5:37 PM
cuttydarke says:
Yes. I was thinking that the “totally” needed to go. And I think that you’re probably all right about lines 6 and 7.
February 16, 2015 — 5:39 PM
Kiyakiy says:
Here’s the beginning of a WIP I recently started a little more than a paragraph just so that it makes a tad more sense.
Looking through the window Cynthia could see the entire invasion of her home. It was like a nightmare; it couldn’t be real and it didn’t seem real until the mages were at her door. They found her seated calmly on the soft blue cushions on her windowsill. Cynthia knew what they were there to do. They had been ordered to take over the magical city of Koro and recruit mages that they would then turn into soldiers. These were the Kailians and they had no doubt come to kill her, to kill her whole household and assert their own power. She glanced at the Kailian mages for a moment. There was nothing she could do. She looked back out the window one last time before the world went dark.
Pale grey clouds filled Cynthia’s vision when she awoke. Her back ached and her head felt fuzzy. She could vaguely remember watching the city burning and her house being invaded by Kailian mages, but had that really happened? Surely that was all just a terrible nightmare.
February 16, 2015 — 12:47 PM
Cassandra says:
I would love for this to actually start with that third paragraph. It includes nearly all the information from the previous paragraph, but leaves out just enough to keep you wondering.
February 16, 2015 — 2:08 PM
Sabrina Jade Howard (cronasonlyfriend) says:
Writing a fantasy novel can be difficult in the fact that you are attempting to introduce an entirely new world to an audience right away, dropping the reader suddenly into the story like the forty-thousand spoonfuls of sugar I plop into my coffee each morning.
The biggest issue I see is that it reads like the dreaded info dump. This is something I’ve struggled with too. Instead of explaining the mages’ presence right away, try to gradually introduce them as people that could exist in our world at first, slowly easing the reader into the situation before you go into the specifics.
Honestly, I think you would be better off beginning with the second paragraph. It’s a very good example of in-scene writing.
I hope this helps 🙂
February 16, 2015 — 2:16 PM
Kiyakiy says:
Wow, that’s really interesting! I had actually originally started with the second paragraph, but I didn’t think that it had enough information! Mind you, I’m a terrible judge of how much information the reader really needs and end up info dumping way too often. Thanks a lot and I will cut that first paragraph out!
February 16, 2015 — 4:57 PM
Peter B. says:
Hopefully I’m not TOO late to the party.
————————————————–
The light was wrong.
Sage rolled over and groaned, tugging the barkcloth blankets back up to her chin. She rubbed one slumber-crusted eye with the heel of her palm, squinting up as thin fingers of pale sun stole through the bare branches above. A dustmote floated across her vision, winking in the golden light.
She blinked. “Shit.”
————————————————–
I know, I know. I’m playing pretty fast and loose with the one paragraph rule. What can I say? I’m a rebel.
February 16, 2015 — 1:27 PM
Meredith says:
I really like this. The descriptions are vivid and drew me right in. I’m not sure if this is the first paragraph of your work but if so, it is straying close to the cliche of ‘protagonist waking up as a beginning’….But it’s an intriguing hook and I definitely want to know what happens next!
February 16, 2015 — 2:00 PM
Peter B. says:
Thanks for the feedback! I’m worried it strays too close to that trope as well. Definitely something I’m still wrestling with.
February 16, 2015 — 3:43 PM
Sabrina Jade Howard (cronasonlyfriend) says:
I really like this. In-scene writing at its best. XD Great description, and a lot of personality in your author’s voice.
February 16, 2015 — 2:19 PM
Peter B. says:
Thanks!
February 16, 2015 — 3:38 PM
shauna says:
I like the opening sentence. You set us up right away that something is off. However, the next paragraph feels over-written to me. What is a barkcloth blanket? A slumber-crusted eye? Perhaps explain or hint at why the light is wrong – is it too bright? too dark?
February 16, 2015 — 2:27 PM
Peter B. says:
Thanks for the feedback! As far as why the light was wrong, that’s explained in the next paragraph. I didn’t want to post too much.
February 16, 2015 — 2:38 PM
Ady says:
To this day she could not shake the feeling that as soon as she was near one she had to blurt out all of her inner thoughts, her fears and her most terrible dark secrets, to seek forgiveness. Thankfully this one ignored her.
Looking for a quick getaway she stood up from the table. The Gruss turned its giant head and stared at her. She only caught its eye for a moment, but that was enough. She was too late. The endless depths of its dark eyes held her. She just about had enough time to think – oh shit!
It ripped into her, pulled her in by the face like an angry pit bull bringing down a bull. It pulled her down and churned her up, booted all of her artificial minds aside, all of her beloved minds full of data, logic and exotic technology all held together by her wonderful algorithms. It cast aside all of her crap. They were worthless to her now. It found her mind. Her birth mind, the mind that defined her, the emotional mind made of feelings and fears and hopes and dreams. It found the mind made of meat. Her walls crumbled and it tore its way through her soul.
She was faintly aware she was clutching the table. She felt her fingernails lifting from her fingers as she scraped them across the wooden surface. She knew they were bleeding as she gouged at the surface, as if she was desperately clawing her way out of her own coffin. ‘But I’m not dead yet…’
Splinters drove upwards under her nails. She wanted to stop, the pain should have snapped her out of the trance but it didn’t, she had no choice, no control. It had her.
It spoke. “Celie, one cannot selectively numb, no species can selectively numb. You need courage”.
And that was it! It turned its head back towards the sun and closed its eyes.
She stumbled as the world flooded back. She felt sick, violated, and emptied of… something. Fucking Gruss! And her bloody fucking fingers!
How it knew who she was she never found out, nor why it had said that to her. But it knew she needed to hear this. Only now, fourteen thousand years later did she begin to realise, it fucking knew!
February 16, 2015 — 1:30 PM
jadefalcon14 says:
I really enjoyed the 3rd paragraph chunk – the reference to the artificial minds is interesting and I want to know more about that. I also liked the disconnected, helpless feeling from her clawing the table.
The one part that trips me up is at the very last 2 sentences. It seems like, based on its ability to tear psychically into people, that the Gruss would know who she is through that process. I guess it’s possible she’s ignorant of this monster’s(?) process, but given all the other description proceeding it, it feels like she does.
February 16, 2015 — 3:05 PM
Ady says:
Thanks for your time Jadefalcon14, it is very much appreciated.
When choosing a few chunks of my WIP it forced me to examine how paragraphs connect to each other and also the overall story. This is 1st draft so still at the vomit it out stage
btw.
To try and answer your question – This is a flashback, or more a reflection of a long lived character.
A theme of the story is of humans shoving bucket loads of technology into themselves to ‘improve’ and live longer, so much so they lose their humanity.
The Gruss is an alien race, not a monster, so is an outsider and can see humanities (and individuals) decline in proportion to their technological prowess. Better is a relative
concept. What is a better human? – That’s a theme within the story.
She knows Gruss have a Yoda-Gandalf-Jedi-wizard vibe about them, they are forest dwelling hippy aliens, but its comments related to humanities error in marrying itself with tech. Humans worry that Gruss can read minds, they are always cryptic enough to keep humans dubious about this.
All this stuff spills out later. – Celie is French, the French meaning of courage means ‘heart, innermost feelings’, and the Latin cor was a metaphor for ‘inner strength’. Gruss and metaphors come hand in hand. The meaning that played on her feelings the most was the Middle English definition, “what is in one’s mind or thoughts”. Humans have multiple minds, mind one being the born mind, the rest are tech fluff. She discovers this down the line, but by then she has hundreds more minds and is loosing number 1.
About it knowing her name – Humans are arrogant. I have the best tech in my head, I am un-hackable (is that a word?), blah blah…
One can always be hacked if you have artificial minds running. Never underestimate hippy forest dwelling aliens.
Your comment has prompted me to consider several mini re-writes of some sections, so a massive thanks.
February 17, 2015 — 5:05 AM
jadefalcon14 says:
I dig the theme! Happy writing!
February 17, 2015 — 1:12 PM