Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

Year: 2013 (page 55 of 66)

Ten Questions About No Return, By Zachary Jernigan

And now here, mighty Mister Jernigan would like to talk about his new novel, No Return, which features ghosts and gods and space magic. Behold: ten answers to ten questions…

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

The hell who I am is Zachary Jernigan! I’m the author of the aggressively science-fantastical novel, No Return, and some dozen or so published short stories that all fall within the sff genre.

I live in Arizona, which is a wonderful place to be weather-wise and a horrible place to be if you’re a greenie and a socialist, which I am. I’m also an outspoken critic of religion—a fact that causes a degree of tension in my life, as many of the people I most love and admire in life are religious folk.

I use a lot of exclamation points in my personal correspondence, but very few in my fiction.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH:

No Return is a violent, erotic novel of religious war featuring metal men, fighters in skintight battle suits, and alchemical astronauts.

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

A decade and a half of reading—and being obsessed with—authors such as Roger Zelazny, Cordwainer Smith, Alice Sheldon, Samuel Delany, Sean Stewart, Phyllis Gotlieb, Steven Brust, Iain M. Banks, and Joanna Russ.

Oh, and a greasy heap of jealousy sprinkled with depression and spite!

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

Ooh, that’s good question, difficult to answer.

I think the reason this story could’ve only come from me is that only I’m obsessed with this kind of stuff, in this particular way, in the first place.

A little explanation might be required.

You see, I was raised Mormon. Though I decided I was no longer a member at around the age of 20, I still have these conflicted feelings as a result of my upbringing (which, by the way, was very enjoyable, full of love and support). Mostly, I feel guilty about relatively small things reason says I shouldn’t feel guilty about. My character, Vedas, has similarly conflicted feelings about the way he’s conducted himself, though I’d like to think his guilt is a little more justified. Other characters struggle with such feelings, too. Moral quandaries are a big part of No Return.

Also, thanks to years of religious conditioning, I’m rather obsessed with the idea of immortality and perfection. I feel sad that I won’t live forever or reach a state of physical perfection and changelessness. I long for such a state, though I know it’d be healthier not to. Adrash, the character in whose perspective the book opens and closes, basically represents this longing.

I’ve told people before that No Return was kind of an exorcism for me, and this continues to ring true.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING NO RETURN?

Oh, good grief. My standard answer is everything, but that seems like a copout, so…

The first draft.

No, seriously. The editing was cake compared to that first go. Every day of writing was torture that I avoided like, well, torture.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING NO RETURN?

I’m not as weak or as unmotivated as I thought I was.

Honestly, I never thought I could write a novel. When I first started reading sff literature in my teens, I remember thinking that if someone destroyed the second half of whatever book I was reading and asked me to write the rest, it would be literally impossible to even approach an ending that made sense.

Even after I wrote an outline and told everyone I was going to write No Return (some 15 years later), I still had no confidence I’d actually do it. In fact, I tried to justify quitting every day for the first month or so, and then at least weekly for the next couple months. Only when I reached the halfway point did I really think I might finish it.

I’m glad I’m not as weak or as unmotivated as I feared. Still, the most important fact for me to understand about accomplishment is this: it’s never just me. I wouldn’t have completed anything without the support of others—family and friends who understood this cantankerous guy and wouldn’t let him fall into (too much) despair.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT NO RETURN?

The fact that it’s basically a collection of (hopefully mature) character studies that still manages to include all the spacey, super-powered, violent, sexy stuff that originally drew me into the genre.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

I’d hire a ghostwriter. John Scalzi, maybe.

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

It was said a man could stand at the edge of the highest step and stare down at the glass-smooth face of the cliff, counting the geological layers of the world. It was also said a man must be careful at the edge, for sudden gusts could take hold of him and carry him far out over the ocean. Capricious, the demon winds sometimes returned him unharmed, but most often spun him in the sky, toying with him as a child does a rag doll. Bored, eventually the wind dropped him into the ocean or dashed his body against the wall.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

Well, one of these days I’d like to get started on the sequel to No Return. A second volume isn’t strictly necessary—the first is a pretty self-enclosed narrative, I think—but it would do a lot to answer questions I hope readers are curious enough to ask.

I also have another novel in the works, an intensely violent, post-steampunk, Joanna-Russ-on-steroids story. (Y’know, one of those.)

Anyway, thanks so much, Chuck! I appreciate you hosting me on terribleminds!

Zachary Jernigan: Website

No Return: Amazon / B&N / Indiebound

@JerniganZachary

Ten Questions About Between Two Thorns, By Emma Newman

Be advised, Internets: Emma Newman is going to rule the world someday. She’s going to rule it from a comfy chair in a lovely library inside her sinister volcano lair. She’s the real deal, and you should be paying a lot of attention. Her new book, Between Two Thorns, is out with Angry Robot Books, and now it’s time to be fixed to the earth with her stare as she tells you about it.

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I’m a writer, a role-player, a gamer, a dyed-in-the-wool geek and I love making clothes and costumes. I am also scared of everything. Everything. Apart from tea. I can handle that.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH:

Urban fantasy – and a dash of noir – with feuding dynastic families, supernatural patrons, mad sorcerers, evil faeries and nice cups of tea.

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

It grew from a flash fiction I wrote three years ago about the shopkeeper of “The Emporium of Things in Between and Besides” having to deal with an innocent woman accidentally receiving delivery of a faerie in a bell jar. That turned into a weekly flash fiction serial which I wrote for several months before I realised I was actually building the world for a series of novels.

The Shopkeeper and the Emporium survived from the original stories and both feature in “Between Two Thorns.”

Like every single thing I’ve ever written – and I would imagine all other authors – it’s the latest batch of mushrooms that have grown out of the compost. That’s made up of all the experiences I’ve had and the stories I’ve read, dreamed, watched, hoped for and loved. Actually, I hate mushrooms, but hopefully you get the idea.

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

Well, it certainly couldn’t have been written by someone who loves cute fairies and Tinkerbell and that kind of thing. The Fae in the Split Worlds stories are forces of nature and scary as hell.

I think this is a story I could only have written at this time in my life too. I’ve got angry about a lot of things over the past few years and some of that rage went into this world and the stories bound within it.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING BETWEEN TWO THORNS?

Lots of things were challenging, but balancing power between the different factions was one of the hardest. I put a great deal of time and thought into working out how the sorcerers do their thing and how Fae magic – and the Charms derived from their magic – works. The Split Worlds have several powerful groups of people controlling differing aspects and therefore have a direct impact upon the main characters in the novel. Making people who are incredibly powerful able to be plausibly threatened by each other and have their power checked and balanced by their opposition was a critical thing to figure out for the whole series.

There are hierarchies of power within these factions too, of course. I needed to make sure my primary characters could be plausibly threatened but not implausibly hopeless in a world where they have access to magic and sorcerous artefacts.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING THE BOOK?

I learned a lot about writing a lead female character and how difficult it is to strike a balance between having her fall foul of powerful forces yet maintain agency throughout the novel. There are people actively manipulating her life, restricting her freedom and causing her a great deal of stress and misery. I wanted her to be strong in the face of adversity but I didn’t want to shy away from having her be vulnerable. I also didn’t want to just give her a weapon and have her be tough in a traditionally masculine way – not that it would have worked in the setting anyway! I guess what I’m saying here is that writing Cathy made me think a lot about plausible strong characters, whether they are female or not.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THE BOOK?

I was going to say the Fae, because they are just so deliciously horrible. But I think it’s the characters. I’ve spent a huge amount of time with them in my head and I still want to know what’s going to happen to them. I worry about them. I feel bad for them. I’m also a bit insane, evidently.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

I wouldn’t commit to writing a short story every week for a year and a day whilst writing, editing and now promoting the series!

Saying that, I’m so glad I have. Now it’s coming to the end of that year and a day, with over fifty stories set in the Split Worlds I feel like I’ve created a lot of world for people to enjoy. That’s what it’s all about for me, as a writer and as a GM.

As for anything I’d do differently with the book itself… you know what? I’m happy that I’ve written the best book I could. No doubt I could edit it *again* if I looked at it in a month or two but I think that’s our curse as writers.

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

As the paragraph is dialogue, I’m going to put in the line before to give it a little bit of context. Lord Poppy is the Fae patron of Cathy’s family and has just found her years after she ran away from a life of privilege and immortality to live in Mundanus – the normal world we live in.

“I’m so glad you understand, Lord Poppy,” she managed a smile.

“As am I! I arrived with a heavy heart, convinced that I was going to have to turn your tongue into a tethered wasp and then enslave you for eternity for having been so disloyal to your family.” He paused as the colour sank away from her lips. “But now I don’t have to, because I understand that it was love that drove you, and how can I deny love? And it really is such a relief, as it would have been so inconvenient, everything has been arranged for so long I was struggling to imagine how I would recover.”

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

I’m currently beating the rough lump that is the third book of the series into something more like steel than pig iron. After that I have a stand-alone novel that is completely different to the Split Worlds banging on the inside of my skull. That needs to be written, and there’s another project I have to be annoying and mysterious about. Sorry about that. Once those are out of the way I have ideas for two more series’ of books, so I think I’m going to be busy for a while yet.

Emma Newman: Website

Between Two Thorns: Amazon US / Amazon UK / B&N / Book Depository / Angry Robot

@EmApocalyptic

A Question For Floridians

I’ll be heading down to America’s dangling land-wang — AKA “Florida” — soon to do some research. (No dates yet but assume in the next 60 days.) My goal is to hit up Miami and the Keys and surrounding environs (as a goodly portion of the next Miriam Black book will be set there.)

That said, a question:

I’ve been noodling doing a book signing down there but it doesn’t quite look like that’ll work out in terms of timing with the various bookstore options (all of whom were very nice in dealing with me)– but, I did wonder if I arranged some kind of Ninja Book Signing / Hangout / Kaffeeklatsch / Boozefest / Q&A, if there’d be any interest at all from folks in that region.

So, I’m asking:

Any interest?

DRM: A Petition To Unlock E-Books

This is a petition.

It asks the White House to take a position on how consumers get to interact with their e-books. This is in response to the White House coming out in favor of allowing consumers the ability to unlock their own mobile devices. The petition does not demand or incur some kind of an automagic fix. It merely asks that the White House will take a favorable position on the issue.

This is the text of the petition:

The White House recently came out in favor of allowing consumers to unlock their own cellular telephones. We are asking the White House to apply the same laws and provisions to ebooks.

The purchase of a book, whether online or not, is a purchase, not a license. Digital books should be legal to read on any device that supports standard text files. Legally purchased digital books should not self-destruct, expire or disapper [sic], except under conditions of damage or obsalescence [sic]. Within reasonable limits, book purchasers have the right to lend or give books to friends, charitable organizations and libraries. Finally, libraries should be permitted to lend ebooks under the same rules as physical books.

We ask the Obama Administration to champion the rights of readers to own their ebooks.

I am not a fan of DRM.

It restricts competition in the e-book space. It throttles readers. It helps ensure that readers never own their content but rather, license, or in a sense “rent” it. Imagine buying a physical book and being told you can only read it in a certain room or at a certain point of day and that any point the bookstore owner can come tromping into your house and make changes to the book or snatch it out of your hands and return it to the store without even explaining himself.

DRM by itself is not a great evil, but its implementation is often a terrible thing. (On the software side, look no further than yesterday’s release of Simcity, whose DRM is so inept it’s making it hard for users to even play the game they just bought in a flurry of release-day excitement. Many professional reviewers have had to lower their originally glowing reviews, and now the game is getting savaged in the open marketplace by pissed-off users.)

I saw a comment on Facebook that said this would just make it easier for pirates.

Here’s the thing: pirates aren’t particularly hampered by DRM.

They know how to get rid of it.

Its very existence is an excuse for them to try.

Further, this means that if you or I want to simply crack the DRM and use the e-book as we’d like to, it means we’re going to be labeled as pirates. Which is not particularly endearing.

DRM encourages piracy.

As I’ve said in the past, DRM is the Empire’s tool. And I’m Leia telling Tarkin, “The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.”

DRM: The Devil’s Restrictive Manacles. Or something. Shut up.

Let’s allow readers the freedom to control their content. It needs a shitload of signatures in the span of a single month, and the only way that happens is if we fling it about wildly and widely.

Please sign and spread the petition.

I don’t know that it’ll change shit, but you never really know until it’s done.

(Thanks to @nvbinder for setting up the petition.)

25 Things Writers Should Beware

The act of writing is awesome. The business of writing is, nnnnggghyeah, less so. Sometimes this thing we do seems like frolicking nude across a minefield while some shady assailant fires paintballs at your crotchparts. It’s hard to know which way to step. One wrong move and you’ve given some scam-artist all your copyrights or granted some publisher the right to tattoo its logo above your father’s ass-crack. We inkslingers have to stay frosty lest we get skuh-rewed.

Now, let’s be clear — I’m no expert on any of this stuff, and so I will defer right now, ahead of the post, to experts like Writers Beware (site and blog) or authors who are also pub-law experts like Susan Spann. My goal here is to wink and nod toward potential landmines so you can investigate them on your own sweet penmonkey time. Shall we begin?

1. Misinformation

The Internet is awesome because it’s all like HOLY CRAP ALL THE INFORMATION EVER, but it’s also less than awesome because it’s all also like HEY WHOA CHECK OUT THIS MOUNT FUJI-SIZED PILE OF HORSESHIT. Here on the Woven World Web, truth and bullshit are given equal time to parade around in their 1s and 0s; what that means for the writer is that we will encounter a mix of Genuine Information, Anecdotal Evidence (aka “Artisanal Data”), and Bold-Faced Deception. You’ll hear things about publishing or self-publishing or agents or contracts that fall into one of those categories but they all pretend to be in the category of Genuine Information even when they’re not. Always ask: “Is this true?” Then use your digital detective skills (and question-asking skills) to suss out the reality. (Please see yesterday’s post on the subject of dispelling misinformation. Pay particular attention to the comments.)

2. Self-Publishing Scams

Self-publishing is a great way for an author to assert control and take risks not supported by the more traditional (and often risk-averse) system. But outside true self-publishing you’ll find those interested in preying off writers who are bitter over rejection or who want it quick-and-easy, and so what forms is a scammy underlayer of scum-grease comprising assholes who want to take advantage of the potential self-publisher. So-called “vanity presses” will basically make you pay out the ass for a series of services (POD, marketing, whatever) that are designed to dip into your pockets and fill theirs while never replenishing what you lost. (Check out Writer Beware on Self-Pub and POD.) Oh, and some mainstream publishers are now launching their own “self-publishing” endeavors that sound suspiciously like vanity presses.

3. Get-Rich-Quick Schemes

The general consensus over an author’s potential finances seems to either be a) you’re going to be a broke-ass cubicle-monkey churning out novels for the monetary equivalent of Circus Peanuts (the candy, not the actual carnival legumes) or b) you’ll be the literary love-child of Stephen King and J.K. Rowling stuffing your library shelves with hundred-dollar-bills instead of books. The truth (as ever) is in the middle: you can do pretty nicely as an author. But those two polar opposites (shit-ass poor and holy-fuck rich) foster an environment of get-rich-quick schemes aimed at the writerly type. Here’s the key: when anybody guarantees that if you do X, Y, and Z then you can make phat bank too, get worried and do your research. Basically, if it sounds too good to be true? Mmmyeah, it probably is.

4. The Wrong Agent

The agent-author relationship is, at risk of belaboring the obvious, a relationship. It has to work as more than just a client-provider give-and-take — the agent has to be aware of your goals and work for you rather than for the industry at large. Thing is, authors taking that first icy plunge into the inky pools of publishing feel like they’d be blessed to get any agent at all, so they treat it the way a starving dog treats any piece of shit treat thrown on the floor. As a writer, you have power. This relationship isn’t meant to be parasitic. It’s symbiotic. Everybody wins or nobody does. Choosing the wrong agent could hurt your career more than it might help it.

5. Slopsucking Motherfucking Con Artist Agents

You can get the wrong agent, or you can get the AWOOGA AWOOGA WRONG AGENT — meaning, an agent who is basically going to milk you of your cash and your hope and, I dunno, run off to Barbados with some underage cabana boy. An untrustworthy agent will offer you constricting contracts, will demand money up front, will sell you additional “services” (editing! marketing! prostate massage!), and will rob you of your time and effort and good will toward men. Keep an eye on the Writer Beware Thumbs-Down Agency List.

6. No Agent At All

I hear this all the time: “The agent’s job is to get you a publishing deal, so if you already have a deal, you don’t need an agent.” An agent — or, more to the point, a good and qualified agent — does a whole lot more than that. Trust me from my experience: your agent will go well-beyond the offer and into the realm of negotiation. If you don’t want an agent, then you damn well better get a copyright or IP lawyer, because you’re going to get a contract from the publisher that at best will skim a little cream off your coffee for themselves and at worst will ensure that you can’t take a piss without them suing you because it counts as “competing content.”

7. Anybody Who Asks For Your Money

The saying is that money should flow to the author, not from her, and that’s still true — for the most part. Generally speaking, no publisher or agent or editor or producer should be asking for your money, and if they are, you gotta do your due diligence and sniff for the farty egg-stink of fraud. The exception to this is, of course, freelance services you might use on your own (editing, cover art, etc), but even there it’s on you to make sure you’re getting what you pay for.

8. Anybody Without A Proven Track Record

More to the point, be wary of hiring or forming a business relationship with anybody who has no proven track record. Agents, editors, publishers, book designers, web-coders, porn-farmers, whiskey-distillers: they’ll all have a stable of authors they can point to and say, “I provided a service and these fine people will act as references.” Seek out proven work. Don’t get into bed — figuratively speaking — with folks you don’t trust. Don’t get into actual bed with them, either, because that’s how you get chlamydia. Seriously, the publishing industry is full of the stuff.

9. Contest Scams

OH MY GOD WHAT A COOL CONTEST I CAN WIN A HUNDRED BUCKS FROM MY WRITING ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PAY A FIFTY DOLLAR ENTRY FEE AND THEN TURN IN MY WORK AND SIGN THIS CONTRACT THAT GIVES THEM RIGHTS TO PUBLISH MY WORK ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME FOREVER AND EVER AND MAN THIS IS MY TICKET TO LITERARY FAME oh yeah, no it isn’t, it’s a scammy fuck-you-flavored contest. (Check out Writer Beware on Contests and Awards.)

10. Small Presses

Let’s be clear, this is not an indictment against all small presses. I like small presses. In this Age of the Cyborg Intertubes they can do a lot of the same things that a larger publisher can do but respond more quickly to change because their boots are not stuck in the mud of tradition. On the other hand, small presses can also pop up out of nowhere, created and manned by people who have literally no fucking idea what they’re doing, but they can talk a good game and sign some authors and then completely bork their books or even careers. As always: do research. Be wary. Sniff for bullshit. Hire a lawyer or an agent. Get defended against chicanery and legerdemain. (Behold: Writer Beware on Small Presses.)

11. Anything In Perpetuity

Forever is bad news in intellectual property. Damn, is forever good in anything? Would you buy a house that you had to own forever? Marriage is “forever” in theory, but legally, not so much. In publishing, forever ain’t so hot. You don’t want to give anybody rights to publish your work forever. You don’t want to staple-gun your mouth to the ass of any publisher, agent, or distribution entity. Any language that forces you into a lifetime-and-beyond relationship is there to hurt you and help someone else. Fuck it. Negotiate an escape.

12. Really Vague Language

You may recall that time that one publicity agency faked testimonials in the name of several authors including Myke Cole, Maureen Johnson and, ohhh, some dude named Chuck Wendig. Despite that little legal oopsie, there existed other clues that the Albee Agency just wasn’t on the up-and-up. For instance, evidence of their publicity efforts always came in vague data-bites: “We just got an author onto television to promote her book!” OH NO WAY. Hey, what author? What channel? What time? I’m sorry, no details available? Hey, could you turn up the ambiguity a little? The data-bite might as well have said: “WE JUST DID A THING FOR AN AUTHOR WHO WROTE THAT OTHER THING WE RULE HIRE US FOR OUR UNCERTAIN GENERIC SERVICES.”

13. Horseshit Publicity Services

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of a publicity service really doing great things for authors, but I’m sure you’ll find one out there somewhere. Just the same, plenty exist who will take your money and book you on some radio show that has a devoted audience of 14 “model airplane enthusiasts” who don’t give a marmot’s mammary gland about your novel. (And now I’ll go ahead and point to Writer Beware on the various writer services available.)

14. Fake-Ass Reviews By Fake-Ass Reviewers

Fake reviews of books exist. Fake reviews of authors exist. Fake reviews of everything exist (see above, with the “conjured out of the ether” testimonials of the Albee Agency). Don’t pay for fake reviews. Don’t be fooled by them. Don’t eat yellow snow. Don’t order fish on Mondays. Etc, etc.

15. Bullshit Social Media Services

Social media ain’t that goddamn hard, people. You know how, like, you’re a person who walks around and talks to people at the mall, or at work, or at the dinner table? And how it doesn’t behoove you to be a total fucking asshole there? Do the same thing online. There! Ta-da! I just saved you from hiring a social media guru who will take your money in order to infuse your social media presence with the rank snot-curdling odor of sour douchebaggery (“brand!” “platform!” “Klout score!”). Also: piss on anybody who wants to take your money to give you 10,000 new “followers” in the blink of an eye. Five hundred awesome followers are better than 10,000 non-followers carved out of the quivering meat-gelatin that is digital spam. Now, if they’re offering you 10,000 artificially-intelligent hunter-killer robots, hey, hook me up.

16. Anybody Who Gets Paid But Won’t Pay You

It’s really pretty simple: your goal is not only to be published but also to get paid doing it. (Well, okay, maybe you personally don’t give a shit, but I’m talking to the professional or hope-to-be-professional writers out there, and professional is a Latin word that means “Pay Me, Motherfucker.”) So, any publishing endeavor that publishes your work and in turn gets paid means some of that money should trickle down to you. Preferably a not-insignificant share of it because, drum roll please, without the creative content put forth by writers, the publisher has not one fiddly fucking thing to publish. In the business of publishing, creators are far more essential than publishers. A company who publishes squiggly margin doodles of ejaculating dicks still needs someone to scribble the jizzy dongs. If they get paid, you get paid.

17. Work For Exposure

Follow-up to that: exposure is not a measurable resource. If someone asks you to write for exposure, ask them how much exposure. Like, have them measure it. “Will it be ten picameters of exposure? I usually ask at least seven nanoliters’ worth.” If they can prove it, fuck yeah, great. But exposure is a hard thing to prove. Let me utter my refrain yet again: “Writers, like hikers, can die from exposure.” And, my second refrain, brought to bear once more with the Amanda Fucking Palmer TED Talk: “If you’re going to be exposed, expose yourself.”

18. Unqualified Editors

Editors are the unsung heroes of the publishing industry. They can shine dirty gold to a burnished gleam and can even help an author spin dross into pearlescent threads of unicorn colostrum. Just the same, you never want to hire an editor without getting some sense of their qualifications. Get some testimonials. Talk to their other clients. Follow up.

19. Anybody Trying To Pressure You Into Anything

Applying pressure is a famous bullying tactic that’s also a sign to duck and cover. Fake time constraints or disappearing opportunities or any attempt to force you to make a decision out of fear is always a steaming sauce-pot of rat urine. The application of pressure tells an author that you have something they want and they’re afraid they cannot get it. Kick them to the curb and find a better, healthier partner who won’t try to stick a gun up your keister.

20. The Loss Of Subsidiary Rights

The money in publishing isn’t just from the advance — it’s from selling a bunch of sub-rights like foreign (world translation), audio, film, radio, comic books, games, whatever. Some publishers will try to scoop those up, but you need to keep those for yourself. Is your publisher really able to handle all that, and do you really want them to? Again: the power of a good agent is made clear, because they get paid when you get paid, which gives them an incentive to drum up opportunity for you and your work in shiny new spaces.

21. Scary Non-Compete Clauses

My opinion is, any non-compete clause in a contract is probably a bad one. First, it makes little sense for an author to compete against himself. Second, the nature of that non-compete can be interpreted a little too liberally on the page: “You wrote a middle-grade novel about a heroic penguin who fights off evil walruses and now you’re publishing an erotic spy novel who fights psychic KGB agents and we regret to inform you that both penguins and spies appear to wear tuxedos and so we feel that these novels compete against one another and thus we are going to have you assassinated. Please stand by and hold still so the sniper bullet can compete with your brainpan.” POOP NOISE TO THAT. Competition is what keeps this cranky capitalist machine churning properly and its loss is dangerous for authors and publishers.

22. Anything In That Makes You Feel Uncomfortable

Imagine this: Dude drives up in a van. He opens the door (which is painted with a mural of a wizard firing rainbow magic from his fingertips whose colorful acid beams are skinning a bat-winged nightmare pegasus). This sweaty, panting dude offers you candy. Already you’re like, “Yeah, shit, I love me some fuckin’ candy, but something about this gentleman seems mighty sketchy.” Your instinct will serve you will in this, and it will serve you well in publishing. Anytime you see something in a contract or in a company’s promise that sounds off-kilter and it tickles your amygdala enough to pump you full of paranoia juice, do some digging.

23. Work Without Contracts

Don’t work without a contract. It’s like jumping out of a plane naked, with no parachute, covered in weasels who are trained to invade warm, moist cavities. A strong, zero-fuckery contract can save you just as it can save the person who wrote the contract in the first place.

24. Disinformation (AKA Agendas)

No one aspect of publishing is perfect. Nor is there a single way to write your book and get it out into the world. Anybody who espouses a Monotheistic (ONE TRUE WAY) approach to this whole gig is a person with an agenda, and anybody with an agenda is spouting propaganda, and propaganda is nothing but disinformation designed to support said agenda. Misinformation is one thing — it just means people got it wrong. Disinformation is someone willfully smearing their own feces into your eyes and ears so you don’t find truth.

25. A Lack of Education On Your Part

Finding the truth and vetting information and making the right choices is all on you. No agent is perfect. No publisher is untarnished. No self-publishing prospect is an Easter basket of puppies and kittens. You must get educated. You must stand vigilant against the rampant heinous fuckery out there. Don’t trust me. Don’t place all your trust in the hands of anyone. Ask questions. Seek information. Look for the pearls of truth in the oyster-spooge of opinion. Be smart. Protect yourself. You are your own best defender against all the nonsense.


Want another hot tasty dose of dubious writing advice aimed at your facemeats?

500 WAYS TO TELL A BETTER STORY:

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500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER:

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500 MORE WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER:

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250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING:

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CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY:

$4.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY:

$2.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

Tick Tock, The Fire’s Almost Out: Help Fireside Now!

So, here’s the deal.

Fireside Magazine, Year Two has a Kickstarter.

It’s almost over.

And it’s not funded.

Now, I’ll admit right now — I’m a selfish jerk. If it gets funded, I get to write a 12-part serial I’m calling The Forever Endeavor about a guy who gets a button he can push that will take him ten minutes back in time. It’s about regret. And warring with yourself. And making mistakes by fixing mistakes. It’ll be funny and fucked up and sad and weird and —

And I’m probably not going to get to write it.

Nor will I get the benefit of reading short stories by such awesome authors as Lilith Saintcrow, Delilah Dawson, Karina Cooper, Ken Liu.

Because it doesn’t look like it’s going to fund.

That breaks my heart. First because — WAAAAAH I WANNA WRITE THAT STORY AND READ THOSE OTHER STORIES. But also because Brian White has created a magazine that actually gives a huuuuuge fuck about its authors. It pays its authors above the standard professional rate, a rate that is itself rather rare among magazines both in print and online. Fireside fails here, you probably won’t see it again (or so I’m guessing).

And that’s a mighty big goddamn shame.

So, I’ll ask you: if this is something you dig, please spread the word first and foremost. And maybe consider contributing a couple-few bucks. Or robbing a liquor store WHATEVER MAN I DON’T CARE JUST GET IT DONE.

Ahem.

We’re not in the dark yet.

But the clock is ticking.

Great editor. Great magazine. Killer art. Awesome authors. (And somehow, they let me in the door, but don’t hold that against them.) I ask you one more time? Are you in?

Then click on over and check it out.