Holy Shitcrap This Movie Theater Is Too Fucking Loud

I WENT TO THE MOVIE THEATER AND I SAW MAN OF STEEL AND THE MOVIE WAS VERY FUCKING LOUD. IT WAS, YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY, “SUPER” LOUD. HA HA HA OW.

I FEEL LIKE I JUST SPENT TWO AND A HALF HOURS LETTING SOME DUDE YELL IN MY EARS AND PUNCH ME IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD

DID A GRENADE JUST GO OFF

MY EARS ARE RINGING

I HAVE PTSD NOW

NEXT TO ME SAT A LITTLE GIRL — THIS IS A TRUE STORY, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP — MAYBE EIGHT MAYBE NINE YEARS OLD AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE SAT THERE WITH HER FINGERS IN HER EARS. FOR OVER TWO HOURS. FINGERS! IN EARS! OCCASIONALLY SHE’D MAKE THIS SOUND LIKE SHE WANTED TO CRY? I’M NOT KIDDING THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

THEN ON THE WAY OUT OF THE THEATER THIS FAMILY OF FOUR — DUDE, WIFE, ONE BOY, ONE GIRL — WERE WALKING NEXT TO ME AND THE DAD WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS JUST OKAY AND STUFF AND THE LITTLE GIRL SAID: “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU MY EARS ARE RINGING.” AND THE WIFE SAID: “THAT MOVIE WAS TOO LOUD IT WAS JUST NOISE AND FIRE.” AND I AGREED AND SAID YEAH, YEAH, TOO LOUD, AND THE HUSBAND SAID, “WE JUST DROPPED SIXTY BUCKS ON TICKETS TO WHAT FELT LIKE A METALLICA SHOW.” AND THE WIFE SAID: “I’M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.”

I HAD EARPLUGS IN

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

I PUT EARPLUGS IN MY FUCKING EARS BEFORE I WENT BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOUR MOVIES ARE TOO GODDAMN LOUD AND STILL — STILL! — MY EARS ARE RINGING. THEY’RE MAKING THIS EEEEEEEEEE NOISE LIKE AFTER I’D GO SHOOTING RIFLES WITH MY DAD AND HE WOULDN’T LET ME WEAR EARMUFFS

TOO LOUD

CAPS LOCK

IT’S LIKE TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF CAPS LOCK

FUCK YOU MOVIE THEATERS AND I KNOW IT’S NOT EVEN ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT BECAUSE THE STUDIOS SET YOUR MOVIES AT A CERTAIN VOLUME LEVEL AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FIDDLE WITH THAT SHIT BUT I DON’T CARE IT’S ON YOU ASSHOLES BECAUSE SOMEWHERE I’M SURE YOU HAVE A VOLUME KNOB HIDDEN BEHIND A GLASS BOX THAT YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BREAK IN AN EMERGENCY

WELL IT’S AN EMERGENCY

MY EARS ARE SQUIRTING BLOOD LIKE I’M A LAWN SPRINKLER

LOUD

LOUD

AAAAAAAA

CAPS LOCK ALL THE TIME IS IRRITATING ISN’T IT

TRY GOING TO MOVIE WHERE EVEN THE DIALOGUE SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE HITTING YOU IN THE EARDRUM WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER

I’M DONE WITH YOU MOVIE THEATERS

DONE GAME OVER POOP NOISE

I HAVE A VERY NICE TELEVISION SET AND SURROUND SOUND

AND I HAVE A REMOTE CONTROL WITH A FUCKING VOLUME KNOB

AND I’M GOING TO USE IT SO I CAN SAVE MY HEARING

ASSHOLES

* * *

Postscript:

A brief Man of Steel review:

MORE LIKE MEH OF STEEL AMIRITE?

Ahem.

I mean, it was fine? I thought I’d hate it. But it was, y’know, okay?

Liked Cavill as Superman. Liked Amy Adams as Lois Lane. Really liked both, actually.

The Krypton prologue is assy because they basically retell the exact same story later in the movie when Superman finds the not-named-Fortress-of-Solitude and they retell it much faster and much cooler. Then the third act is basically an assault on the senses (I assume the script just reads BOOM KSSSHHH CITY CRAAAAASH PUNCH THROUGH BUILDING PUNCH THROUGH BUILDING PUNCH THROUGH BUILDING KAPOOOOOM RUN RUN EEEEEAAAH PUNCH THROUGH SKY PUNCH THROUGH SKY BADOOOOOM all in messy crayon).

They do the hard part, though, of making Superman a likable guy — a protagonist who feels very human despite all of it. Which is a shame that the rest of the movie kind of falls down into either a) boring origin story or b) noisy consequence-less apocalypse fight because it would’ve been rad to get more of, well, Superman’s character in there.

And that’s what it’s really missing. It’s missing that sense of character. It’s missing fun! The movie isn’t any fun. I’m okay with Batman not being a whole lot of fun (though even the Joker brings a kind of sociopathic circus tent with him), but Superman — I feel like it’s a dire shame to miss out on the fun and games portion of that story. Like, when he learns to fly, that’s what you get. That’s the most fun the movie ever gets. And then it’s all steely dire gray boom.

All of it is an origin story.

And origin stories are fundamentally flawed. Ninety percent of them are a waste of time.

So: meh.

And also:

TOO FUCKING LOUD

the end.