Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

250 Things You Should Know About Writing: Now Available



*gesticulates wildly in or near your field of vision*


*receives notes from handler*

Oh. I’m supposed to be more upbeat? More market-savvy? Oh. Oh. That makes sense. Let’s try this.


Better? Excellent.


Let’s right now just get your options for procurement outta the way…

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($0.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

(Note that buying the PDF is through Paypal. Paypal will tell me you’ve procured the e-book and then you’ll get an email from me — usually within 15 minutes — with the book attached. The only caveat is, if I cannot access a computer — like, say, when I’m asleep? — then the file will have to wait until I can drag my draggy ass out of bed and send it to you.)

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

What In The King Hell Is This?

Remember those “25 Things” lists I’ve been doing? This is those, compiled. With four new lists.

You may be saying, “Gee whillikers, Wendig, that’s not enough to convince me. Can’t you do better?” I can, and will. And also: don’t say gee whillikers. This is a NSFW site, and I demand you use proper profanity like the booze-brined penmonkey you’re supposed to be. Instead of “gee whillikers,” let’s try, “By the fuck-hammer of Odin’s bastard cock, Wendig, that’s not enough to convince me.”

1. A Sticky Faceload of Value Adds

Contained within you’ll find, “25 Things You Should Know About…”

… Being A Writer!

… Writing A Novel!

… Storytelling!

… Character!

… Dialogue!

… Plot!

… Editing/Revising/Rewriting!

And you’ll also find four brand new lists, comprising roughly 10,000 words:

“25 Things You Should Know About…”

… Writing A Fucking Sentence!

… Writing A Screenplay!

… Description!

… Getting Published!

Features such new “things” as:

Beware The Sentence With A Big Ass, I Want To Buy The Semi-Colon A Private Sex Island, The Publishing Dog You Choose To Be, Atmospheric Description Burns Like Alien Syphilis, Too Many Characters Foul The Orgy, and Pricking The Reader’s Oculus With This Grim And Gleaming Lancet.

Now, those pesky mathologists among you will do some quick accounting on the abacus that is your “fingers and toes,” and you will discover that this equals 11 lists, not 10. And 11 x 25 is not 250.

It’s actually 275.

Which means that, yes, the title is a total lie. But let’s be honest — “250 Things” sounds much better. Right? Right. Plus, that way I can say, “25 bonus tips to penetrate your quivering eyeholes!”

Everybody likes bonus shit. You know who doesn’t? Al Qaeda.

2. Cheaper Than A Dollar

You can’t buy much for a dollar in this lifetime. It costs more to buy a jar of goddamn jelly. And if you’re like me, that jar of jelly isn’t going to last long. You’re a jellyhead. I can smell the pectin on you. Look at you twitching for your next fix. Sticky fingers? Mm-hmm. I know the signs. “C’mon, man. I’ll take store-brand! Store-brand! I’m Jonesing for my jam, bro.”

That jelly is temporary. But my Red Ryder wagon full of writing wisdom is forever. Or, at least, it is until the Great EMP of 2016 wipes out the electronic memory of All Computers Everywhere. Oops.

This book is one cent cheaper than a dollar. That’s cheaper than a Lady Gaga single.

(Also note that eventually, I’ll raise the price to $2.99. So get in while the gettin’s good.)

3. If You Don’t Buy It, I’ll Eat This Baby

No, seriously. Look. See that cute cherubic baby? The one who looks terrified? Yeah. You don’t buy it, I’m going to have to eat him. Gobble him right up. Won’t be difficult — he’s very small, and so cute and sweet he probably tastes like a Jolly Rancher candy. Or maybe a churro. Mmm. Churro. Anyway. The point is, I’ve got a baby. A baby who needs to eat, not a baby who needs to be eaten. You can help make that call. For just the price of a cup of cheap gas station coffee, you can prevent me from cannibalizing my own progeny.

If You Are Compelled By Black Magic To Do More, More, More

As always, the two biggest ways of supporting the book are as follows:

a) Tell people via the various social media iterations (Twitter, Facebook, Google+, and whatever other social media site comes popping its head out of an Internet bolthole).

b) Leave a review, whether at Amazon, B&N, GoodReads, or your own blog.

I would also be obliged to remind you that I have another book about writing advice, COAFPM, or CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY. I would also remind you that currently my Whirring Doom-Bots have a “Penmonkey Incitement Program,” where the more copies I sell of that book, the greater rewards I give out. For every 50 sales, I send out a postcard. For every 100, I give away a t-shirt. For every 200, I offer a copy-edit of someone’s work. For every 500, I will give away a Kindle. If I sell a billion, I will eat my weight in gold medallions.

What Comes After This?

COAFPM is selling well, and if this also sells well, you’ll probably see more books on writing from Yours Truly. I may also cobble together a small book of humorous essays if I find that interest exists. Finally, I’ve got a series of novellas I plan to self-publish — the first draft of the first is done, now working on edits and an outline for the second novella.

In November, I’ve got DOUBLE DEAD coming out with Abaddon. Then in May I’ve got BLACKBIRDS with Angry Robot. The follow-up to that, MOCKINGBIRDS, will hit… er, sometime thereafter.

My Gratitude Gambols About Like A Randy Goat

Regardless, just wanted to say thanks to any who buy the book and continue supporting me not eating my baby. I mean, supporting my ever-growing bourbon habit. I mean, supporting a lone penmonkey just wriggling through the publishing trenches. You know what I mean.