*PSSSHHcracklehisss*
“– you hear me? The stuff’s everywhere — black tar — came pouring out of diapers — could lay shingles with this stuff OH GOD HERE COMES MORE OF IT –“
*kkkkpsshhhhfsssss*
“– haven’t slept in days — seeing things — cherubs with wings, but not like out of a greeting card but like out of the damn Bible — so many eyes — fiery swords — chubby cheeks –“
*weeooooFSSHHHHcrackle*
“– think they’re cute but they’re deadly –“
“– energy levels low, rations dwindling –“
“– everywhere you go it’s always there watching waiting peeing –“
“– alert, alert, this thing’s got witch nails, it killed Samson, merciful Jesus it killed Samson! –“
“– we thought we controlled it, but no, no, it controls us! –“
” — such hubris, we thought we understood the parameters –“
*KKKKFSSSHHHHHBSSHHHH*
“– OH SWEET SID AND MARTY KROFFT IT’S CRYING AGAIN WHICH MEANS ITS HUNGRY — “
” — send sleep — vodka — baaaacon –“
CARRIER LOST
The Littlest Penmonkey Beseeches You
The baby is well.
He’s covered in the acne of an 8th grade math nerd.
He’s still trying to tear off his own face with his komodo claws.
He still looks like we enrolled him in Baby Fight Club.
He sometimes smiles. He likes dancing to the Beastie Boys. His poop has transitioned from the foul black hell-slurry to something that looked like swamp mud to something that looks like deli mustard.
He’s good. And we’re pretty good, too. I mean, no, we don’t sleep for shit. And we’ve learned that the most elemental functions of human life are precious — eating, showering, your own bathroom needs, they’re all second to the baby. He’s like a power-mad deity, this kid. He’s suddenly been dropped into the universe and placed not at its periphery but at its golden nougaty center.
The biggest issue I’m wrestling with is finding time to write and blog. It comes in fits and starts.
Anyway, the thing is, being “new parents,” we are of course on the receiving end of buckets of unsolicited advice, so I figured, why not just lie back and think of England? Why not go with it?
Thus, here I am, flipping the switch from unsolicited to solicited.
Hit me with your best shot. (No, not shit: the baby’s already doing that, thanks.) Best advice for parents with a newborn — double points if it’s advice that goes toward helping this penmonkey still monkey with his pens. I know you parents have collected wisdom stored up in your brains and it yearns to have the cherry popped. Pop it. Break the seal. Rupture the fontanelle. Let it all spill out.
And thank you in advance for doing so.
Oh! And happy Memorial Day.
Eric says:
Shift work. I know it sounds romantic and sweet to have the family all bonding together but seriously, shift work. You don’t both have to be on duty at the same time, and having some blocked-out time where you can sleep/shower/shit/masturbate/write without worrying about whether or not you will be Called To Duty is going to be critical for both of you in the coming months.
May 30, 2011 — 12:26 AM
Pauline says:
First, get away from each other – and I mean you and your wife. Y’all can meet up again three or four years down the road. One needs to sleep while the other tends to the human larva. Really. That’s how it is.
Second, make sure your house is easy to navigate. This will help a lot. The more “stuff” you get rid of now the less you have to bump into in your sleep deprived stupor. Call Goodwill. Really, you should have six months ago.
Third, just realize that your life is no longer yours. You can write – trust me, I have and do – but now that my kids are 14 and 12 I don’t get any more relief than I did when they were larva. It’s just a different kind of relief. The sooner you adjust, the happier you both will be.
Finally, really and truly, cloth diapers are for suckers. Just fill up the land fill man. You’ve got enough to deal with. Oh, and you’re already a good parent. Trust yourself.
Bonne chance!
May 30, 2011 — 12:35 AM
Steve Hall says:
My youngest of three sons turned 30 today; I have a 6-year-old granddaughter. I know a little.
What no one else will tell you: Unless you actually wind up and throw the baby against the wall (or the floor), he’s pretty indestructible.
And yes, there will be times (it may have occurred already) when you think the only solution is to actually throw the baby against the wall. This is normal.
ACTUALLY throwing the baby is not normal. Nor is it advisable. Instead, lay him in his bed, and go away for a couple minutes. Primal scream is okay (after all, it’s working for him, isn’t it?)
It gets better. It gets worse. But then it gets SO FUCKING MUCH BETTER! And then? Then you have grandkids. And there is NOTHING better than being a grandparent.
May 30, 2011 — 12:49 AM
EC Sheedy says:
Got one word for you. Swaddling. Now go forth and sleep.
May 30, 2011 — 12:50 AM
Natalie says:
Don’t get into a routine that you don’t want to do forever. Don’t pat him to sleep each naptime unless you want to still be doing it when he is eight. Don’t sing the same song every night, now, unless you think it will still be fun after 2000 repetitions. Routine is good, but leave yourself enough variety that he doesn’t think that is the way life HAS TO BE OR I WILL SCREAM UNTIL I TURN PURPLE GODDAMMIT!
May 30, 2011 — 2:10 AM
Amber says:
Best place for accurate and useful breastfeeding (which I’m assuming you’re doing based on mustard deli poo) info is kellymom.com. Great, active forums there, too.
May 30, 2011 — 2:15 AM
Christie Yant says:
Have hope.
This phase of parasitic need will end, and it will end soon. Start measuring your life in six week increments, because everything changes in six weeks when you have a baby. Six weeks from now he’s going to be a different person. So will you.
Don’t expect to get back to normal writing for a while. Sleep is more important than writing, because sleep is more likely to keep you from hating your kid. When people say “sleep when the baby does” they fucking mean it. Forget the dishes. Forget the laundry. Forget the novel. Sleep.
When it gets really bad (and it will) lock yourself in the bathroom, beat the wall, take it out on anything and everything except your wife and child. Know that many, many pretty good parents have done the exact same thing, and that it doesn’t make you a bad father. What it makes you is human. Tell your wife the same. Hug her and kiss her battered hands when she comes out of the bathroom, having beaten the wall herself. Try to give each other breaks: Send each other out for a long walk, or to dinner with a friend. The longer, the better.
Remember, when you can, that he’s not doing it on purpose. (Whether or not you are able to remember this will depend largely on how much sleep you’ve had.)
This is temporary.
My oldest is a year shy of graduating high school now, but I remember those days when she was a wee, sadistic parasite, and they were dark, dark days indeed. There were bright moments, of course. But it doesn’t serve anyone to pretend that the dark ones didn’t exist.
I’m grateful to my mother that she told me all of this. I’m not sure how we would all have survived if she hadn’t.
You’ll be fine. Hang in there.
May 30, 2011 — 3:50 AM
Melissa P says:
I was always afraid that each small deviation was the start of a habit that would last for the rest of eternity. (He didn’t nap today…HE’S NEVER GOING TO NAP AGAIN!!!!!) This feeling was especially strong in the middle of the night. It’s not true…
Also, you can bite his fingernails down yourself if you don’t like the clippers.
May 30, 2011 — 6:35 AM
Govneh says:
Are you kidding? It’s been 5 months and I still end every day upset
that I accomplished next to nothing.
After 5 months, I’ll still get to the end of the day and realize I’ve had to pee for half of it but didn’t bother because its just easier if I don’t .
I cannot be out of the house alone without at least one “He’s crying and he won’t stop” phone call from my husband.
Since I’m nursing, I’m up typing this at 3am while my husband snores beside me.
I’ve never been so tired in my life.
As a new parent to a new parent, 2 things.
First, be wonderful to you wife. Sometimes I look at the fact that with pregnancy middle of the night pee breaks and now baby, I haven’t slept through the night in about 15 months. I’m sure you’re a wonderful father, but babies have a mom necessity right now. No matter how much you help, mom will still be absolutely exhausted with the demands on her sleep, time and body. Forgive mood swings, tears, and irrationality. Take the baby so Mom can sleep. Massage shoulders tired from holding. Cook. Clean. Anything to make it just a little easier.
And second, unless you aggro, he’ll survive. Sleeping in the bed? Someday he won’t be. Worried about doing things ‘right’? Then you probably already are. People much less competent than us have kids that grow up without being convicts or serial killers all the the time. People with far less raise happy, successful children. And my favorite part? At this age, you can’t spoil him. Hold him, cuddle him, sing, pamper. You’re not building habits yet, just establishing the “I am safe and loved” part of his world. He won’t remember sleeping in your arms next time he wakes up. You have months before you have to care about habits and routines and sleeping arrangements. Worry about all that later, just soothe him and try to sleep yourself. Children survive despite their parents.
One last tidbit? Reading to them is important, but it doesn’t matter *what* you read. I cheat and totally read to the kid just so I can actually read what I want. He seemed to enjoy Irregular Creatures. 😉
They say it gets better, but I think that’s a bullshit line to keep us from killing them. I mean, they go from this to teenagers. I think I’d rule that getting worse, right?
Good luck. Mine just passed out, so out I go too.
May 30, 2011 — 7:00 AM
Lindsay Mawson says:
How did I write? When my husband was working, I’d put my daughter in her swing. After all, all she did was sleep at first. I write at my kitchen table on the laptop due to my lack of an office, so that way, I could always keep an eye on her and she me.
I ended up writing an entire novel when she was six months old, in just a month. Nap time is the most glorious time of the day, even now, when she’s 16 months old. I’ve trained her not to be overly needy, meaning she doesn’t want to sit in my lap 90% of the day like other kids of her age that I know. I put Sesame Street on, low volume so I can still hear my thoughts, open up the toybox, and let her go at it. You learn to always watch them out of the corner of your eye while you’re writing. Right now, my daughter is watching Sesame Street in her high chair while she eats breakfast.
Your babe’s just new, so within the next five or six weeks, you’ll know his schedule and learn to start working around it. My kid was 2 months old when I started editing Stolen Prey, and then 3 mo when I was working on getting it self-published (a new experience back then). It just takes a bit to get into the groove.
Good luck!
May 30, 2011 — 7:00 AM
DelilahSDawson says:
Yeah, that. Swing. Naps. The baby slept next to me until 6 months, and that way I didn’t have to get up to nurse. And investing in a good baby carrier is key for time out of the house. Carrying that bucket will give you hives. I like a Beco or an Ergo or a Babyhawk. Those Snuglis and Bjorns at the store are for amateurs who want to look like wienies.
Also, if anyone offers to watch the baby for you, throw the baby at them and RUN.
May 30, 2011 — 7:11 AM
Lu says:
(1) When the baby naps, try to take naps too. It is difficult to write in the midst of sleep exhaustion.
(2) Other times, when the baby naps, write.
(3) If you enjoyed a writing schedule in the past, come to terms that the same baby who controls when you eat/sleep/shower/poop now controls when you write. Embrace it. Love it. And start writing at whatever odd time works for you.
(4) Team work! If you each give the other a few hours out of the house several days a week, you can get a lot done.
(5) Realize it is a scientific FACT that babies speed up the hands of time, so now you actually have less hours in the day in which to fit in everything you have to accomplish.
(6) Do what you’re doing right now – that is, reaching out to other parent/writers. It’s nice to have a community, to know other people struggle with the same shit you do every single day.
(7) Never be afraid to say fuck it and ignore the writing for the beautiful boy. I beg this of you. Because one day you will have an actual human being, a child on your hand, and you will remember how small he was and how sweet he smelled and how he could curls up on your chest and your palm covered his little, sweet back . . . and you will want to cry. or maybe that’s just me.
I’ll stop with seven since that’s a nice, holy number. Just now it can be done! I had my first in law school, second while studying for the bar, I have two step sons (four boys, yes, it’s crazy) and I managed to write my first two books in the midst of all that. It’s possible, just not always easy (kind of like parenting, no?).
May 30, 2011 — 7:27 AM
Lu says:
addendum:
(8) Accept typos in your life. For example, see above comment.
May 30, 2011 — 7:31 AM
NameDarren says:
Oh god, memories. It was only a year ago I was doing this stuff. How quickly the mind blanks it out. All I can say is it gets easier with each step of development. You hear me, it gets easier! Now cling onto that though like a drowning man to chunk of wood, mutter it to yourself half crazed at 3 am knowing you only get to sleep for 2.5 hours before you do thing again.
People will say dumb shit, like “you just wait until she start crawling, then you will be in trouble.” Replace crawling with eating, walking, talking, going to college. They make it sound like each step is worse, it’s not, it gets easier.
Here is how my wife and I did nights.
Wife goes to sleep with the baby at 9/10, but I say awake.
When baby wakes up, I deal with it then crash myself so 12/1am
Next feed, at 3/4 the wife no on almost 6 hours sleep deals with it
At 7/8 am we both get up
Each child is different, you are the expert here Chuck, scary isn’t it 🙂
May 30, 2011 — 8:25 AM
terribleminds says:
Awesome advice. And in some cases, a little depressing. 😉
Re: the writing thing. While I appreciate the sentiment of, “Yeah, good luck writing for the first X months,” that sentiment can also translate to, “Yeah, good luck paying your mortgage for the first X months.” Writing = what helps to give baby a roof so he’s not stolen by bats and raised to be a vigilante.
So, the goal isn’t to find out that writing won’t happen but rather how it can — and has to — happen.
— c.
May 30, 2011 — 9:24 AM
Maggie Carroll says:
I second Eric’s suggestion. When Jason was born, Rick and I slept at totally different times of the day. He’d go to sleep at noon or a bit later, wake up at 7 or 8pm. I’d go to sleep at 2 or 3am, wake up at 10 or 11am. It gave us time to sleep, time with our son, time to be with each other as well.
Do NOT be afraid to seek professional help with anything even remotely resembling Post-Partum Depression Syndrome. It’s not something to fuck around with and yes, contrary to popular belief, new fathers can get a form of it too.
Writing as a parent? You might as well just kiss your huge chunks of uninterrupted time goodbye. 🙂 Sometimes, I can’t even get through a blog comment without Amber howling for food or a hug or more Barney on the TV. Get used to 5 minute spurts, 10 minute chunks. Praise Jesus if you manage to find two hours and treasure it, because those times are rare.
May 30, 2011 — 8:32 AM
Ali says:
I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with some advice for you — except, I don’t have any. But I have baby shopping advice! My friend had a baby and she gets great deals (on diapers and such) at amazon.com/mom. She buys these special diapers, too, which normally cost a fortune (they’re less plastic).
May 30, 2011 — 9:18 AM
Julie says:
The best advice I can give you is to go with YOUR guts for everything regarding YOUR kid. Advice from people is great, but only you three live in your household and know what your own needs are and what will end up working for yourselves. And if what works for you three causes raised eyebrows or tut-tutting 🙂 from others- fuck ’em.
Example- Livvie HAD to sleep on me or wouldn’t sleep. Would not sleep. We slept together for 12 mos. She woke up every 2 hours for 12 mos, but at least it was sleep. I needed it, she needed it, grandmothers be darned.
Jonas also woke every 2 hours (sometimes 45 min) but required his space. So we slept in the same room to make things easier for me, but not on the same bed.
I missed Rich very much, he missed me, well-meaning people told us umpteen ways to get our overnights back.
It goes by so much faster than you expect, and eventually those advice givers have something else to needle you about. Like preschool. And kindergarten. And whether they should play sports.
Live in YOUR world and do what YOU need to to function.
And shower. Make sure Michelle doesn’t forget to brush her teeth for 7 days. Eat.
And love each other.
May 30, 2011 — 9:38 AM
KariBeth says:
1. It gets better. Patience.
2. Beware advice from people who seem to have their shit more together than you – they probably have one of those fabled angel-magic-sleep babies. Those people get to take showers whenever they want.
3. As much as you can, make sleep a priority. It will make you a better father and spouse. Sleep helps keep away the crazies.
4. When there’s a new baby in the house, I aim for 15 minutes of writing a day. It’s not enough to get anything done, but that “writing slot” is reserved. As the baby’s sleep (and thus your day) becomes more organized, that 15 minutes grows. Writing has never been anything my family depends on for income, so maybe you have to set aside half an hour, or whatever. In any case, I always start small and try to keep it as regular as possible. Also – there will probably be times when you have the *time* to write but your brain is making a meaningless humming sound. You are clean out of energy. Frustrating as all hell, because you’ve been waiting all day for your 15 minutes. Sometimes pushing through it works, and sometimes giving up and watching TV is the ticket.
May 30, 2011 — 9:42 AM
Kate says:
Take turns getting up with the baby at night, although that’s easier if you’re formula feeding. If breastfeeding, invest in a good pump (not a cheap manual one) so your wife can have some sleep and you can feed him. Also if you’re formula feeding or your wife is breastfeeding and something happens that makes it no longer possible, don’t let people make you feel guilty for using formula. Kids turn out fine on formula. And agree to a few hours of “me time” for each of you–especially when he’s older and sleeping less.
Be prepared for a momentary burst of panic the first time he sleeps through the night. And if he’s gassy buy the store brand gas drops, not name brand. It’s the exact same stuff and A LOT cheaper. Oh, and if you have a Costco near you, their Kirkland diapers are actually made by Huggies and much cheaper.
May 30, 2011 — 9:48 AM
bret moore says:
Best advice: breastfeed for as long as you can stand it, then switch to formula. They will sleep better.
Routine is key. Babies love it. Get up earlier to do work while they’re still asleep, or napping. You’ll eventually learn to live with it. I am fully functional on about 5 hours now, used to need 8 at minimum.
You have to avoid the cosleeping crap to. And putting them in their own room worked very well for us. People we know still have their kids in their room etc, nuts if you ask me.
As others said, trust your own instincts too. You know yourself and your kid best.
May 30, 2011 — 10:04 AM
angie Brooksby says:
We just turned 3 and I am sleeping finally. We play musical beds/couch.
When the baby cries try everything, it could be hungry, tired, need a cuddle, hot, cold, too much light, wants to be held, wants to be put down…. Until he is 6 months understanding some of that and your reaction to it will just take trying.
The best thing I ever did was stop drinking, completely. Babies and hangovers are a molotov cocktail.
May 30, 2011 — 10:08 AM
angie Brooksby says:
I forgot, babies need to sleep often. The more you keep them awake the harder it is to get them to sleep. Wired and tired.
May 30, 2011 — 10:11 AM
Dave Turner says:
You kept the receipt, right? Just give him back. (I have no kids.)
May 30, 2011 — 10:19 AM
Vicki Pettersson says:
My baby arrived two weeks before my first book was due, and I wrote the second in that series (140K, plus post-production work on the first) during the first year.
First, know that you’re doing the hard work now. This is the hardest year, but it gets easier every single month. I had to think of myself as a soldier in an army of three. Yeah, shifts. Yeah, teamwork.
Yeah, your time is no longer your own. It moves differently, and the outside world – the people in the life you used to live – are suddenly moving quickly, and are doing things that are both important and unimportant at the same time. (Afghanistan? Sudan? Syria? Joplin? Try taking the four a.m. feeding, bitches. Try doing it knowing your have 2k to write the next day.)
Anyway, you’ve received some great advice so far – I second the motion that you shouldn’t start any habits you don’t want to be doing forever. It was a luxury for me to allow my baby to fall asleep on my chest. I didn’t do it all the time. I patted the back instead of picking up. I taught the little bug to self-soothe. (I actually followed the advice on sleeping in a book called Babywise, and had a baby that slept through the night at 13 weeks. This. Helps.)
Finally, get help. As with you, writing pays my bills. It may seem counterintuitive to pay someone in order to make money, but you can’t look at it as a dollar-for-dollar tradeoff. The intangible benefits are long-term and far-reaching. It’s a way to have it all.
I had a nanny come in for 4-5 hours a day and stay in the home with me and the baby. I locked myself in my bedroom, sans internet, and got my work done. If I was needed, I went out or took breaks by kissing on my baby. It allowed me to stay home, know the baby was safe, and still get my work done.
This will also give your wife time to nap or shower or exit the home – go to the bookstore and have a cup of coffee (the highest luxury for me at the time) and generally feel like a real person again. It’s good for all of you.
Of course, you’ll feel guilty about hiring someone to help, but you’re a parent now. Guilt is built into the job description. But the time for fatigue and feeding and deadlines will pass and there will be another challenge, and you’ll meet it in only the way your unique family can. Just breathe. Sleep when the baby sleeps.
And get some help.
May 30, 2011 — 10:26 AM
Sprogblogger says:
Photos. Take millions of photos. If you have a shitty camera, go spring on a nice one. Even at 8 mos. out I have a hard time remembering those first few weeks & love seeing the photos of me all bleary-eyed & my son ruling the world… And seriously — enjoy it. Babies aren’t as fragile as people think, and getting to watch them figure out the world is one of the coolest experiences I’ve ever had. The writing will come – once jr.’s on a regular 2-3 naps a day, (which WILL take a while) naptime is excellent writing time. Have fun (and I do mean that in the nicest, most sincere way.)
May 30, 2011 — 10:32 AM
Heather Petty says:
1. Soldier through, but try to enjoy the little moments.
2. You two are completely equipped to raise this child to adulthood just by following your instincts. Don’t panic and think you’re doing it wrong.
3. Things change almost hour to hour at this age. If you catch yourself thinking “I can’t love the rest of my life like this!!” Stop and know it gets better–probably within the week. You cam live with it fir another day or two.
4. If you can take a break from writing without compromising your income, do it. Take the pressure off, even if it’s just for a few days. If not, find a place with free wi-fi and get out of the house for a couple of hours a day, so you can focus. Also, see #3.
5. It gets better <– your new mantra
You can do this. Trust yourself. And when your world comes back into focus, you'll feel like pinning a medal on your cheat for surviving. Take a nap instead.
May 30, 2011 — 10:39 AM
Louise says:
1. All of the above.
2. Sleep when the baby sleeps, or you will never get any sleep.
3. Your life as as single, and couple, is over for about 30 years. Longer if you have more kids.
4. Forget perfection. Go for survival.
5. Your new mantra: nothing lasts forever.
6. Try to relax and enjoy the kid(s). Pay attention. Their childhood will seem to last forever, but it will be over before you know it and they’ll be gone, off on their own lives.
At this point , you will have somehow, without noticing it, grown old.
7. Therefore, keep up your physical exercise, eat healthy and take care of your self. When the kid(s) finally leave, you will have a life again, but you will have to be fit in order to have any fun.
8. Try to find something to enjoy in every day. You will have to be very flexible sometimes.
9. Be sure to get enough sleep, if you do NOTHING else in the day.
10. Good luck. Kid(s) will be the toughest, best thing that ever came into your life. : )
May 30, 2011 — 10:43 AM
Lisa Hendrix says:
1) For these first few weeks, until his schedule settles, sleep when the baby sleeps. Don’t think, “Oh, he’s asleep, I can dust/do dishes/wash clothes/finally read a book.” Sleep, and then when he wakes up, do the necessary chores with him nearby so you can talk to him. He’ll be entertained, as so will you. And you’ll be secure in the knowledge that you’re modeling adult behavior *and* teaching language. “Ooh, look, daddy’s loading the dishwasher. Here’s a cup. Here’s a bowl. And here’s my sanity. They’ll all come out nice and shiny.”
2) In what seems like contrary advice, make sure the house isn’t too quiet while he sleeps. Get the kid used to sleeping through various noises early on, while sleep comes easily. You don’t want to be held hostage by a kid’s need for ABSOLUTE SILENCE for the next five years. I had neighbors who couldn’t do anything at all for 2 hours every afternoon. Not fun. Also, he’ll sleep more easily as an adult if you train him to tolerate noise now. Habituation. Good word.
3) Make sure that every time mom sits down to nurse, she has a cup of something (cool or warm, but never *hot*) to drink. Fluid out, fluid in. It will make things go better.
4) If you haven’t baby proofed, do it now. The little bug will be cracking childproof caps and sticking slobbery fingers in electrical outlets faster than you know. It’s easier to install locks and chains while they’re still immobilized. Crawl around on your hands and knees to see what he’ll see, and remember that everything goes in the mouth. Dog food. Dropped earrings. Computer dongles. Every. Thing.
5) If BabyPenMonkey gets colic, just remember that it ends. Most kids who get it have it from 3 weeks to 3 months. Both of ours stuck to that schedule so closely, it was like they read the manual in utero. Knowing this makes those few weeks bearable, even when you’re marching around the living room humming the Mickey Mouse Club song at 2 am. Seriously, it was the only thing that would settle Child1 at all. Marching. Mickey Mouse. Three hours worth one night. And I let him grow up AND had another one, because compared to the tough stuff, the good stuff is so damned wonderful.
Enjoy yourselves. All three of you.
May 30, 2011 — 11:11 AM
Pamala Knight says:
Okay, now that I’ve got permission to stick my nose in, here goes:
1) I reiterate the earlier advice of sleep when the baby does, at least in the beginning when the naps are short. It will keep you from the meat-cleaving mad person you’ll feel like when the true sleep deprivation sets in. Once the baby sleeps more than four hours, then budget two hours to WRITE and two hours to do something else (sleep, clean, cry, etc.)
2) Since your missus is nursing, you as the spouse, need to make sure that she stays hydrated. That means water, gatorade, lemonade, fluids my friend because she’s the food supply for B Dub and the food supply needs nurients and hydration– just like all lovely flowers do. This will also help with building up a milk bank if she’s utilizing a breast pump.
3) Consider using a grocery delivery service like Peapod, if you don’t have a family member close who’ll shop for you. I know it’s nice to get out of the house, even if only to shuffle blearily down the cereal aisle, but if your wife is anything like me, then she’ll be a nervous wreck trying to get the shopping done while worrying about whether or not her boobs are going to have an accident when some other kid starts to cry. PLUS, I was such a nutcase that my oldest didn’t see the inside of a grocery store until he was a year old. Some crazy documentary targeting the pregnant and looney, made me think he’d get the plague from all the other germ-ridden folk ambling through the Kroger. And I needed that shit like I needed another hole in my head. Back to my point (ha!), the delivery service will shop as specifically as you want and that’s another hour to yourself to shower or WRITE, as it were.
4) Do consider a schedule for the baby. They like routine and won’t be flexible like a drinking buddy until they’re much older, like 3. So if your friends want you to have lunch with them and it conflicts with mid day nap time, then politely decline or do a work around.
5) Both parents should provide a tee shirt that smells like you, so the baby can sleep with your smell close by. It comforts them and believe me, you want your little tyrant comforted and asleep.
I’m sure I’ve taken up enough space for two people with my suggestions but I hope they’re helpful. Good luck and remember, it gets easier.
May 30, 2011 — 11:34 AM
Lisa Hendrix says:
Ooh, almost forgot one. After about 3 weeks, once he’s really good at breast feeding, start giving the kid a bottle once a day. Fill it with breast milk, of course, but the idea is to get him used to a bottle so that if there’s some emergency and mom and her handy breasts aren’t there, he can still eat without major trauma. (It’s that habituation thing again). Works best initially if mom is gone, as in completely out of the house, and baby is nicely hungry so he’s willing to try something different. This gives all of you something wonderful. Mom gets a daily break. Dad gets to feed BPM all by himself. And baby gets the extra Daddy time and a new skill set.
May 30, 2011 — 11:46 AM
Kristina says:
You’re seeing trends in the comments because most of us learned the hard way how to survive the infant times (such as sleep when he does).
My 2 bits: folks who give advice (or write a book about it) should, but won’t, add the disclaimer: this is what worked for me. I have 3 kids and what worked for 1 did not necessarily make the balm of Gilead for the next, let me tell you. So if cosleeping gets you through to a better time, do it. Likewise crying it out. It’s your path…do what feels right for the three of you.
The only thing I’d do different? Take sleeping shifts. My husband was a well-rested man thru each baby. Me, not so much. Which made my PPD much, much worse. I wish I could have “shared” my babies more easily in the early days.
As for writing, the pockets of time will become more consistent and bigger. Try to be patient with it…even tho they are short bursts, they will amount to lots of word count!
May 30, 2011 — 12:17 PM
Jack says:
Don’t like giving folks advice on how to raise their kids. Like you say, I didn’t like it. But, as you’ve asked…
What helped us out a *lot*, was getting them into a routine. Like forcing it. Kids love routine. They don’t know it, but they do. Then again, my brother’s kids are almost feral.
Think we used a book called “the contented little baby” or something similar. Written by an ex-nanny. The routine is fairly brutal, Baby up and feeding by this o’clock, winded and down for a nap at such n such. Real strict. Hardest part was controlled crying. Want to feel like the biggest wanker on the face of the planet, try that. It does the job though. Well so far anyway.
Best of luck.
May 30, 2011 — 12:18 PM
Lesann says:
Everybody already gave you wonderful parenting advice. Read it, follow it, live it…it will make life easier and allow you both to sleep. My advice for writing only works if you are not the kind of guy who needs eight hours a night. I survived the first two years by staying up two hours later than the household and getting up two hours earlier. My husband, who is a hero by the way, did almost all the middle of the night stuff while I slept my 4-5 hours. It helped that our son had dad’s sleep habits – but it works. The sacrifice is that you have to give up naptime in the daytime and let mom have those. That way you each get a few hours of uninterrupted rest. Sleep deprivation becomes normal after a while….remember your twenties? This is harder but more fun.
Take what works, ignore the rest.
May 30, 2011 — 12:18 PM
Jack says:
This fucker here
http://www.amazon.com/Contented-Little-Baby-Confident-Parenting/dp/0451202430/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306772351&sr=8-1
May 30, 2011 — 12:19 PM
Danielle La Paglia says:
#1 – Have a schedule. Yes, the baby will fuck it up anyway he can, but still. Keep feedings on a schedule as best you can. Don’t shove a bottle in his mouth to make him stop crying. Wait the 4 hours you’re supposed to otherwise it will never stop. Seriously, he’ll be five and begging for food every 10 minutes. You must control it.
#2 – Take turns. Yes you want to help your wife. Yes you both want to spend time with him, but you have to make a tag-team effort. You take a shift and let her sleep. She’ll take a shift and let you sleep (or penmonkey). If you both do everything, you’ll both never sleep again. Like ever.
#3 – Sleepy time bath soap from Johnson and Johnson really works. Use it.
#4 – Get outside. The kid will love it. He’ll be fascinated by all the colors and sounds and movement and you’ll feel better for all the fresh air. The overwhelming power of baby scents need to get cleared out of your brain for you to be productive. Sit on the porch. Walk around the block. If it’s too cold/hot/whatever, go to a museum. Seriously. Get out of the house and not to store, Target, or Babies R Us.
#5 – The Boppy pillow is your friend. It snuggles the baby and makes him think he’s being held. It’s a lifesaver.
May 30, 2011 — 1:40 PM
Maggie Carroll says:
You might also invest in a tape recorder (or perhaps an iPhone app?) that you can dictate into while you’re dealing with the kid. You can use the baby voice while you’re telling him stories of mayhem and murder. Kids don’t respond to words at that age, just tones. Then, when you have some time later in the evening, or during your appointed “shift off” when Michelle is handling baby duty, transcribe it.
May 30, 2011 — 1:53 PM
Shannon Kelly says:
Lots of good advice up there. I scrolled through like the last half because I didn’t notice one thing that should, imo, have been said.
I’ve got two kids. The first one’s father was never around. The second one? Yeah, her dad is overseas right now. They’re 6 years and 18 months. The 18 month old had colic and I never slept. I’ve been single mom without being single. Love and cherish your son, yes. But get a sitter. Family, friend, someone who can handle infants.
1) Go out with your wife one night a week. Remember what it is to be an adult. Make her feel sexy. Mom and sexy are not usually hand in hand, and she probably feels like a slug about now. Its taken me six years to learn that I can still be sexy and have kids.
2) Get that sitter into a contract for two nights a week. The second night, you and your wife go out again, but not together. Let her do what she wants and you go write. One hour is precious. Procrastination isn’t in your vocabulary any more.
Best of luck to you both
May 30, 2011 — 2:43 PM
mandarific says:
I do not have a kid, I am not a parent, but I have worked in the restaurant industry for a Very Long Time, so I figured I’d stick my nose in here, too. 🙂
When you’re finally ready to take Mr. B-Dub out on the town – maybe you don’t have a sitter or Michelle Really Needs Sushi Oh My or Else, whatever the case, you are going to need a place to put the carseat. The floor is probably uncomfortable and it doesn’t sit quite right on the chair, does it?
So grab one of those wooden high chairs that you can strap kids into if they can sit up on their own…and flip it upside down.
Once it’s upside down, the carseat will sit nicely on top of the rails used to brace the two sides of the high chair together, and you can keep an eye on the little one and reach over to poke him or feed him or whatever else needs doing.
Figured I’d pass this one along because a new mom came in the restaurant I work in just the other day and was having a hell of a time figuring out where to put her car seat. It was like I changed her world when I flipped that high chair upside down. So I figured you might not know, too. And now you do.
May 30, 2011 — 3:38 PM
Filamena says:
He isn’t as fragile as he appears. Don’t give up on your writing for thirty years or whatever. That’s shitty advice, especially since your asking for help with that specific thing. The first weeks are going to be hard. There’s no way around the fact that they will be hard. But your little monkey needs to learn how to survive in your household as much as he needs to learn how to survive in the whole world. Your household needs you to write, so he needs to adapt to you writing. I have no advice for that. What I have is some experiments you may try. (It’s all experiments, really. Each baby is different. Each parent is different. There’s no ‘right’ way to do it. The only wrong way is the way that doesn’t work or sends you to jail for child abuse.)
*Type standing up with the baby strapped to you. The rocking movement of you standing and the swaddle will help him feel better. Plus, I’m hearing more and more that standing while typing/working is better for you too! (You can do some light housework this way too.)
*Swings or bouncy thingies.
*Swaddling. Seriously. Check out a website, do it right, it works with babies. Horses. Mentally retarded people. Me. Swaddling is awesome. Don’t hesitate or feel bad about it. Its good for baby. Makes him feel safe.
*Music and reading aloud. Hell, read your edits to baby. He’ll thank you, and since he doesn’t know what ‘fuck’ means yet, no worries about his development. I think a few people mentioned don’t let him get used to absolute silence. Totally right on for me with my kids.
*Sleeping-in. That’s how we ultimently ended up getting sleep for the first year of both kids. Real sleep. Good sleep. Tit-in-mouth sleeping in saved my sanity. YMMV
*You can write, you will write. The three of you just need to get used to each other. Women work with babies in the house every day all the time all over the world. Your no different because your a dude. If you need moral support, help, whatever, email people. Get support. You’re not alone. (I usually give this advice to new moms, since their at risk for PPD, but hell, it applies to you too.)
May 30, 2011 — 3:51 PM
Kiana says:
If one of them is willing and you can stand it, ask one of your parents (or some other relative) to come and stay with you for a week or so to help out with the baby. Having that third pair of hands to help with the baby is enormously helpful. My mother did this for all of her grandchildren and it made a big difference.
May 30, 2011 — 4:31 PM
Joe Crow says:
Not a lot to add for infant-specific critter care data; the above folks have it pretty much covered. However, when it comes to product recommendation, the Kozy Carrier was wicked handy. We got one about 8 years ago, for our monkey, and it was ridiculously easy to use and the kid loved it. Helluva lot easier to wrangle than a stroller, too.
http://kozycarrier.homestead.com/welcome.html
A’course, they were cheaper then, too. If’n you’ve got crafty friends, there’re a bunch of similar patterns around. it’s based off this old Chinese mei tai thing.
May 30, 2011 — 4:47 PM
Becky says:
I’m sure you have a couple of friends or family folks who would love to help you out. Don’t be afraid to take them up on it.
As for sleeping, did you know giraffes sleep (on average) less than 2 hours per 24? There are ways that you can sleep less and be more effective, and there are stringent methods to help with this. Look up the “siesta” method, “everyman” method, and the “Uberman” method. It may be a little extreme, but maybe not. http://www.supermemo.com/articles/polyphasic.htm (can also read more about it in Tim Ferris’s book 4-hour body)
May 30, 2011 — 4:53 PM
Tamela says:
Well, if writing is your job, and you need it not only to feed your creativity but to also, you know, feed your family and put a roof over their heads, then you treat it like a job. You GO TO WORK. You set aside hours in the day that are your Office Hours and you leave it all behind. People have been doing it since the dawn of time. They just had to leave the house. Not anymore. If that doesn’t work then LEAVE THE HOUSE.
Find cheap and flexible childcare.
But maybe, well, maybe you need to allow yourself some Maternity Leave. Allow yourself a month or two–if you can afford it (damn self employment not supplying paid leave) and just BE A FATHER. Yeah? Just think of all the plots formulating, all the gooey icky blog posts percolating.
May 30, 2011 — 5:35 PM
KariBeth says:
How’s the childcare at your local gym? I pay $90 a month for my membership, and get 2 hours of childcare every day for all three of my kids. I’ve done a bunch of writing at the gym. Locally, we have Lifetime (starts taking babies at 3 months) and the YMCA (takes ’em at 6 weeks), and both have good programs – especially if you go at non-peak hours when there are fewer babies.
May 30, 2011 — 6:27 PM
inkgrrl says:
LOL, what everybody else said. To which I can only add, don’t make nighttime feeds fun or exciting or interesting. No matter how adorable he is, no matter how engaging he is, no matter how sure you are he’s gazing deeply into your soul and is really, truly smiling and laughing at your monkey faces, not just belching like other people’s less brilliant babies are known to do. My BIL took the 2 a.m. feeding with his first son and made it a party because he was so happy to have the baby all to himself after being at work all day, etc. Guess who quickly developed the habit of popping awake at 2 a.m. and holding the entire household hostage until he got disco moves and pantomime with his bottle? Who knew such tiny lungs could make such loud noises?
May 30, 2011 — 6:31 PM
John the Great says:
Yeah, I know I”m guilty of sharing baby advice. But I do it because you’re an awesome guy and I just want to help out. I mean, I have some experiences that some people don’t have out there, and it’s like knowing the cheat code to turn on the blood in the Sega GEnesis version of Mortal Kombat: Some day, YOU’LL NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TURN IT ON! 😛
My own writing has gone sporadic this past year thanks to the kids. They aren’t mine, but I”ve fallen in love with them and I want to help them out as much as they can especially since their parents are going through a rough patch in their relationship. But somedays I have to stay up until 2 A M then get up at 6 AM for work. I sit at my monitor at work typing in endless amounts of shipping info just so that I can go home, possibly pick up those two, and try to force feed one of them vegetables while feeding the other a bottle.
You’re going to do alright. You have lots of friends who are willing to help you. And above all else, you’ll find a new sort of comradery with any other father out there you meet.
P.S. Remember what I said about storing an emergency change of clothes for the kid in your car? We had to use ours the other day. It’s handy!
P.P.S. Baby proofing only really works until they’re 1.5 years old.
May 30, 2011 — 7:22 PM
Ryan Carter says:
I think you’ll find that ignoring the idiots will help immensely (not that the above commenters are, by the way), just because they are, by trade, idiots. Also, you are a rockstar. Never forget. Follow your instincts and don’t sweat whether or not you’re doing okay, all you’re experiencing is what all other parents go through, for me it has been 4 times. No wonder I make up people and kill them.
May 30, 2011 — 7:28 PM
Lisa says:
The first 3 months is a crapshoot. go with it, and go easy on yourself.
reead askmoxie.com. She will keep you sane. Any nursing issues or questions, check kellymom.com.
Remember the wise words from a commenter on moxie’s site: You and your spouse are on one side of the line. The Problem (whatever it is) is on the other. Fight it together; don’t fight each other.
Sleep in shifts. Parent in shifts. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the other person is eating bonbons and playing video games while you do the hardest thing you’ve ever done, bar none. You’re both overtaxed and exhausted. (Although generally in the first year, the mom has it harder. Worship her.) Be patient; you will get your marriage back if you believe you will. It will be different, but you will get it back.
Humans can stand an amazing amount of sleep deprivation. I didn’t sleep through the night for 3 years, and I survived. You will do what you have to do, and you will be fine.
When you hit the wall, it’s OK to throw the baby at your partner and go hide in the bathroom to cry/scream/drink/read trash novels until you’re sane. But don’t push it beyond 30 minutes.
Smart babies sleep less and demand more from you than those long-napping, staring-vacantly-into-space Potato Babies everyone else has. It’s OK to tell yourself this to make it through the first months when you think you’re gonna die from physical exhaustion, or the first 5 years when you think you’re gonna die from the kid’s intense need for witty conversation.
Strap the kid to you (if he likes that) and dance to silly music. Or walk aimlessly around the neighborhood and narrate what you see, make silly noises, whatever. Have no shame.
Leave the house every day.
Assume that if it sounds like the kid is saying something, he’s saying it. Can’t hurt to reward attempts at communication.
Writing: It can be done. My husband wrote 2 books in the kid’s first three years. Me? I wrote like 20% of one book in five years. But then I WAS THE ONE MAKING A PERSON. Ahem. it’s also his day job. Now the kid is in school and I’m writing again – struggling but doing it.
You will do what needs to be done. be strong.
May 30, 2011 — 8:22 PM
terribleminds says:
I gotta tell you, some incredible advice in here.
Some occasionally depressing tidbits, but on the whole, lovely and optimistic. 😉
Thanks, folks. I have already waved these at the wife, and we both appreciate the goodness that has come our way.
— c.
May 30, 2011 — 8:53 PM
Andrea Phillips says:
When my second daughter was born, I was on staff writing for Perplex City. She was born on a Thursday. I was turning in new content on Monday. I did not take maternity leave, and she was not in daycare for those first few months.
So how did I do it?
1. Nursing time=working time. A newborn is always eating. With a Boppy pillow and a cunning arrangement of pillows, I could type while holding the baby. She didn’t mind that I wasn’t gazing soulfully into her eyes the whole time, and I hit my deadlines. Win-win. Likewise, you can be slamming down words while your wife is nursing. It’s not like she needs you to watch her, you know?
2. Co-sleeping. I fell into it out of desperation, but it turned out to be the only way I got through those first few weeks. With, again, a cunning arrangement of pillows to lean back on and stabilize my elbows and that Boppy, I found a way to hold the baby securely while nursing with no chance of dropping her. I was kind of sleeping sitting up, but it was at least better than not sleeping at all. Obviously I removed fluffy comforters and potentially suffocating garments from anywhere near the baby, and slowly migrated to a bedside co-sleeper and then a crib and then her own room over the course of a year. It worked for me. People commented frequently I was the most well-rested parent of a newborn they’d ever seen.
3. Ignore the baby when you are on duty. I mean, not completely, but sometimes the baby will be crying, and you won’t really be sure why. It is OK, even at those times, to put the baby down, go to the bathroom, fix yourself a quick sandwich, and THEN get back to working out how to soothe the baby. That four minutes will do a ton for your sanity and no lasting harm to the baby. As they say on airplanes: You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
4. Ignore the baby and your wife when you are not on duty. You’re going to have to chisel out time dedicated to working, an inviolate period of income-earning. Lucky for you babies thrive on schedules, so once you have a good routine, all you have to do is stick to it. A lot of people do this by, you know, going to an office. You might need to do this by putting on headphones and closing a door. It will be hard, because you have put all of this mental energy into making a baby and you will want to hang out with the baby, and you know what hard work it is to watch the baby by yourself so you’ll feel bad for your wife. Don’t be distracted. When you are on-duty, the kid should go into the same mental compartment as Facebook, the Xbox, and porn: Things that do not put words on the page. Beard the fuck on, Wendig.
5. Know that these first six weeks are the hardest. You’ll be OK before you know it.
May 30, 2011 — 9:04 PM
terribleminds says:
@Andrea:
You are my fucking hero.
Awesome ideas. And way to go getting back into the writing game. I didn’t do much for writing this week. Blog posts and some thousand words on the novel, but that’s it. I knew this going on, which is why I’m all-clear on deadlines, but even still.
It eats at me.
I look forward to urging back into the work.
— c.
May 30, 2011 — 9:08 PM
Darlene Underdahl says:
Please do not allow the wife to pick up too much of the load. As she feels better, she may try to do this, but there’s a very real danger of her being overwhelmed. Don’t think “Yeah, I’m off the hook,” and duck out. I don’t think you would do that, but lots of guys do.
It comes back to bite in the butt terribly. There are many butt-bite variations.
May 30, 2011 — 9:08 PM
terribleminds says:
@Darlene:
I of course have no intention of ducking out. I’m there to pick up the slack at any point needed and take over accordingly. That said, I do have to — like, seriously, have to — carve out time for work, and so treating it like a job (which it is) is critical, now more than ever.
— c.
May 30, 2011 — 9:10 PM