Ahhh, there we go. The totally absurd search terms are coming in hot and heavy once again.
And so it is that I emerge out of shadow and slap you in the face with a wet sack of Search Term Bingo. If you don’t know the drill, here it is: I comb through the search terms people use to find this blog, and I cherry-pick the weirdest of those search terms and… well, madness ensues. Please to enjoy.
what happens if i accidentally breathe water
You might suffer a funny little side effect called “death by drowning,” dipshit. What do you think this is, THE ABYSS? You cannot breathe water. You cannot aspirate a cheeseburger. It’s oxygen or nothing, buddy.
you jizz hamsters pony boy
The lack of punctuation here is killing me.
“You! Jizz Hamsters! Pony boy!”
“You jizz hamsters, pony boy.”
“You. Jizz. Hamsters. Pony. Boy.”
“You jizz hamster’s pony, boy.”
OMG SO MANY OPTIONS.
I’m going to go with the second option, because it feels like an insult strung up in future slang. Some cyber-hacker anti-corporate teen robo-courier from the future flips the middle finger to some jackhole in a jet-car that just cut him off in traffic and he’s all like, “You jizz hamsters, pony boy!” And passersby gasp. So, remember, anybody gets in your way, call them a pony boy and tell them they jizz hamsters.
Which, come to think of it, sounds really painful.
x-ray of gun in mans anus
Such a shame. I misread this the first time, instead reading it as, “X-Ray Gun In Man’s Anus.” And I was like, whooooa, an X-Ray gun? I want one! Even if it’s been up some dude’s keister, I want it.
“I’ve got an X-Ray gun!”
“Why does it smell like that?”
“Uhhh. Nothing. Stop smelling my X-Ray gun, dick.”
sniggering mtv teen
I now know what I will yell at people when I am an old man and they come onto my lawn. “Get off my grass, you sniggering MTV teens! With your hair! And your clothes! And all that sniggering! Go back to MTV! Go diddle yourself to the Lady Goo-Gas of the world you little prevert!”
But my eyes will be so bad, I’ll probably just be yelling at a whitetail deer. The doe will blink at me, flick her tail, then go back to eating some clover. “QUIT YOUR DAMN SNIGGERING!”
still waiting on tribulations
Aren’t we all?
Won’t have to wait much longer, what with Saturday being the end of the world and all that. Or, at least, the Rapture. Like I said on Twitter last week, I hope when the Rapture comes it takes away all those assholes who believe in the Rapture. Then we can totally have a big orgy. Melzer’s bringing the Chex Mix. We still need someone to bring the ginger ale, the blow-up donkey, and the industrial lubricant.
Sign up by the door. Let me know what you’re bringing.
carla gugino’s thighs
This is one of the search terms that gets people here with some frequency. It’s this, search terms about Pauley Perrette, “beard maintenance,” “turtle penis,” and “albinos of ghost mountain.”
Seriously, together those search terms account for dozens, and sometimes hundreds, of views per day.
Also: Carla Gugino’s Thighs. Band, or album?
Biography, or autobiography?
CIA Codename, or Native American Ritual Dance?
giant rotating nipple ships from outer space
Sold. Here’s a bucket of money. Go make this into a movie.
websites for people who like use meth
I was pleased to learn that terribleminds was named one of the Top 101 Websites For Writers by Writer’s Digest, but I am now truly geeked to learn that we have been named one of the Top 101 Websites For Folks Who Tweak The Fuck Out On Tubloads Of Crystal Meth. That has always been my goal here: to entertain those most jovial citizens, those with meth-scabs and tweaker-teeth, those who live in moldy trailers and smell like cat pee, those who vacuum for days just because they can, those who will stab you in the face with a rusty garden trowel just to get a box of Sudafed so they can cook up more of that sweet-ass crank.
I’d like to thank my parents. My wife. And God.
*kisses award, points to the heavens, grabs crotch*
when will my beard come in?
I dunno. When did you order it?
sucks his own clit
Nudge, nudge.
Might want to take an anatomy class. Or just Google, “Do dudes have clitorises?”
You know, on second thought, don’t Google that. Just take my answer — “no they do not” — and walk away.
omg baby comming out through vagina
This search term makes it sound like it’s some kind of holy-shit biological surprise. Well, where the hell did you think it was going to come out? Her nose? Did you think she was having some kind of butt baby? They don’t deliver them via UPS, for Chrissakes. Newsflash: babies come out of a woman’s hoo-hah. Any Obi-Gyn Kenobi will tell you that shit. Just call around. “OMG!” Shut up.
the whiskey dragon
Dibs. Dibs! DIBS. I called it. This is the name of my next novel. “The Whiskey Dragon.”
Come to think of it, I want this name for so many things. I want to buy a pub and call it that. “Come on down, have a pint and a shot at the Whiskey Dragon!” Would make a good name for my computer, too. And my car. And my penis. And my first-born son. “This is my spawn, Whiskey-Dragon Wendig.” Nobody will fuck with that kid. What bully’s going to be like, “Let’s go beat up Whiskey-Dragon!” You know that’s a bad idea. Because, c’mon. Whiskey-Dragon.
I also envision a dragon that, instead of breathing fire or ice, it breathes whiskey.
Thank you, Search Term Bingo. Thank you.
some stupid monkey for miranda
Yeah! Fucking Miranda. She’s always like, “Rah rah rah, whine whine whine, I want a monkey!” Well, fine. Fine, Miranda, fine. Here’s a stupid monkey for you. I found him in a dumpster humping a a cardboard box filled with old lettuce. You can have him! He’s just some stupid monkey. He’s probably going to end up biting half your face off because that’s all these stupid monkeys do. People get them and they dress them up in pink dresses or powder blue tuxedos and they’re all like, “This is my son! I love him so much!” and then the monkey bites out their eye and poops in the hole. But whatever. Whatever, Miranda.
You wanted a stupid monkey. You got a stupid monkey.
I hate you so bad, Miranda.
my wife has a sweet ass
I’m happy for you, but why did you need to Google that?
will beanie babies make a comeback
For the love of Jim Nabors, I hope so. I have a metric poop-load of these goddamn things. I got the little fucking bears, I got the dogs and the cats and a pink lizard and a dumb little dolphin and a goddamn… I dunno what he is, some kind of fucking crustacean or some shit? Whole room full of these sonofabitches. It’s like — this, this is why the economy shit the bed. Forget real estate. Forget the tech boom. The Beanie Baby Bubble is real. It affected millions when that zit popped. These babies were going for a mint. A mint. You could walk onto a car lot, throw down a gym-bag full of these fuzzy little fuckers and walk out of there with a previously owned Lamborghini Diablo. But now you can’t give these things away. They’re worth negative money. If you even show a Beanie Baby to someone, you have to them pay them two dollars. Seriously. I’m not messing around. There was some nonsense about AIG insuring Beanie Babies, and then I think the Ty Warner company like, bet against the Beanie Baby market, which meant they were betting against the Beanie Baby collectors at the same time they were making money off the Beanie Baby sales?
It’s sick. It’s a sickness. This is what caused the Recession. Beanie Baby whores. All of them.
bingo boobs
This blog is no longer called terribleminds.
It shall hereby be known as Bingo Boobs.
And it’s the name of my first-born daughter. My son, Whiskey-Dragon. My daughter, Bingo Boobs.
what food can you put on your breasts?
If you’re laying down, probably most foods, right? Not that I’d recommend slopping a whole Christmas ham on there or whatever, but I’m just saying — you could. You totally could.
Standing up, well, it depends not so much on the size of the breasts as how much weight they can support? Like, do they function as shelves? Try experimenting with various foods. Okay, cotton candy, easy. Some lunchmeat slices, not too much trouble. Go bigger. Loaf of bread. Canned peas. Beef tenderloin. Jug of milk. Dead goat. My advice to you is: dream big. Don’t stop believing.
is it bad to suck back in snot
That’s what killed Elvis.
frothy eye cockerel
New cocktail name? Or a rad new sex move? You tell me.
which face beard can shoot
It depends which beard can do laser. Often, the left face beard is the face beard with the laser installed, and usually — usually, but not always — the right face beard has a force field built in. But that’s not a guarantee. It depends on which company makes the face beard. Microsoft? Google? Weyland-Yutani? Leave me your serial number, your registration code, your birthdate, your social security number, and your favorite color, and we’ll get this whole thing figured out nice and quick. Thanks for calling! Have a great day.
unicorn nipples
I demand that this be a new cookie.
Okay, Internets, here’s your task: drop into the comments below and describe for me what a cookie called a “unicorn nipple” should look like. Bonus points if you include a recipe, real or imagined.
Filamena says:
So, if you really want to see something about babies and coming out of a vagina, and I mean something POWERFUL cool and sort of scary if you aren’t aware of what you’re looking at, do a google image search. Turn off your safety search option. Then put in ‘posterior presentation birth.’ Trust me, what happens in awesome. (I don’t imagine Chuck is squeamish about this stuff, but if your reading this and are, don’t do it.)
While you’re at it, re: breasts and food, there’s the ‘glop’ fetish. I think I’ve explained that as much as I’m going to.
Re: Men with clitorises? There’s a really fascinating biological situation where the clitorises is enlarged, not quite a penis, not a standard love-button.
We were going to try and balance food on my rack, but the camera is down. Suffice to say, you can set a LOT up there. What’s really interesting is what you can store under some breasts.
May 19, 2011 — 2:44 AM
Natalie says:
This is my absolute favourite blog topic. You should do a whole book just of these.
I’m hoping the baby unicorn suckling on those nipples doesn’t disembowel its mother with its pearly horn.
May 19, 2011 — 4:40 AM
Sparky says:
Well given the size of unicorns and similarity to horses the unicorn nipple must be somewhat larger than one would expect. Also of unusual colours, with milk collected on a full moon by a beautiful virgin. No chocolate, ever, save white chocolate. and that is as far as I can imagine right now.
So for the orgy: Do you need industrial lubricant, or industrial strength personal lubricant? Very different things. I can find both though. I once had a friend who filled an entire bathtub with J-lube. (no, really)
The frothy eye cockerel: Both a sex move and a cocktail.
May 19, 2011 — 4:42 AM
Michael LaRocca says:
Albinos of Ghost Mountain. That would be a very cool name for a book, or a movie, or a band.
May 19, 2011 — 6:37 AM
Tim Dedopulos says:
You know, I’m with Natalie. A book of search-term bingo, with a bit of creative structuring, could be really frakking awesome. I utterly LOVE whiskey-dragon. It truly would be a completely superb name 🙂
Oh, I tend to think a unicorn-nipple cookie ought to have a fleshy four-inch pokey bit in the middle. As per the top line of images on the splash-screen of the insanely NSFW http://www.giant-nipples.com
May 19, 2011 — 6:39 AM
Coyote Southbridge says:
In regards to the Unicorn nipple cookie, I’m thinking a large shortbread cookie with one of those white/milk chocolate Hershey Kisses in the center and slathered in some sort of iridescent glaze.
On the issue of boobs and food, as a well-endowed woman I can assure you that with the right support garments you can hold quite a bit while standing upright. Give me a sports bra and I can convert my chest into a beer cozy (without the whole keeping it cold part of course).
May 19, 2011 — 8:15 AM
Patrick Ley says:
Many trans men have clitorises. A higher percentage than the percentage of trans women with penises. And that’s ignoring the varieties of intersex. The reality is that there are all sorts of edge cases with sex and gender.
May 19, 2011 — 10:56 AM
Darlene Underdahl says:
Here’s what the deer are really saying:
http://darlene.underdahl.net/?p=20
A cookie called a Unicorn Nipple? It’s a newborn baby and the recipe is birth without drugs. Let me explain.
I didn’t mean for that to happen, but it was Christmas, and the hospital staff was mostly gone. I gave birth without drugs, and the pain was horrific, but at delivery there was not only a great sense of relief, there was a sensation like a hundred orgasms at once! Not kidding, and for years I referred to it as Mother Nature’s Easter Egg.
Now I know better. It was a Unicorn Nipple Cookie.
May 19, 2011 — 11:14 AM
Shullamuth Smith says:
Divinity + pistachios shaped swirled into a breast/horn puff.
May 19, 2011 — 11:37 AM
Kenja says:
Unicorn Nipple Cookies
“These are always a hit at our church bazaar.”
Ingredients:
2 cups butter, softened
1 3/4 cups white sugar
6 eggs
1 tablespoon caraway seed
1 jigger coconut rum
8 cups all-purpose flour
small marshmallows
melted white chocolate
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. In a large bowl, cream the butter, and sugar. Mix well.
3. In a separate bowl, beat eggs and add to the butter mixture. Stir in the caraway seeds, coconut rum and flour. Mix well.
4. Roll out the dough on a floured surface to 1/4 inch thickness. Cut into 1 inch circles and place at least 1 inch apart on cookie sheets.
5. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes…watch closely…until lightly colored. Transfer to wire racks and stick a small marshmallow on each one. Cool on wire racks.
6. Melt white chocolate and dip each cooled cookie into the white chocolate.
7. May customize areola using cinnamon sugar if desired.
May 19, 2011 — 5:40 PM
Anthony Elmore says:
Looked up:
mopery
narwhal biscuits
shit my congressman says
Found nothing useful. Although I want to see if I can get cited for mopery.
May 19, 2011 — 6:19 PM
Heidi says:
I fear that Mr. Jizz Hamster after his recent break up with Bingo Boobs, stumbled into the Whiskey Dragon just in time to get a glimpse of Carla Gugino’s thighs. He was so overcome he threw back three ill advised frothy eye cockerels. And I think we *all* know what happens after three of those? An x-ray gun to the man’s anus if ever there was one. Next thing he new Miranda’s stupid monkey offered him a cannoli still waiting for tribulations. It’s the age old story, man. Never let a tweaked out, bearded Jizz Hamster who sucks his own clit collect a beanie baby or OMG baby comming out the vagina you can expect. Next thing you know you’re spending all day long watching giant rotating unicorn nipples in the park while some sniggering mtv teen sucks back in snot. Pony boy should have just stayed home laying food on his breasts and not got so hung up obsessing over whether or not he might accidentally breath water.
I’m sorry, what was your question again?
May 19, 2011 — 6:43 PM
Lylabean says:
Unicorn Nipple cookies definitely need some edible gold leaf and possibly white chocolate mixed with space dust.
May 19, 2011 — 6:51 PM
Eric Satchwill says:
Thanks Patrick, I was going to point out the same thing 🙂
It took me about a year after I ordered it for my beard to come in. Bloody awful customer service there, if you ask me 😛
May 19, 2011 — 7:43 PM
annaliterally says:
OMG Whiskey Dragon. I am so going to use that as a my new drinking euphemism. “I wrote ten pages last night, all while riding the the whiskey dragon.”
Frothy-eyed cockerel is some kind of drink, I’m sure of it. I believe it involves dry ice. Garnish with a unicorn nipple.
May 19, 2011 — 7:52 PM
Snellopy says:
This is from the Eldritch edition of Cooking Light Magazine. It’s out of print these days, but you can sometimes scrounge up a copy in used specialist bookshops.
Unicorn Nipple Biscuits
Ingredients:
1 cup of elf tears
3 tablespoons of ground sassafras root
4 cups of flour
2 griffin eggs
Stick of butter
Pixie dust
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1/2 cup of white sugar
2 teaspoons of honey
2 cups of mermaid’s milk
Method:
The night before, soak the ground sassafras root in the elf tears. You only really need enough tears to cover the sassafras, but let’s be honest, it’s so much fun procuring them that it doesn’t hurt to be extravagant in your measurements here.
The next morning, preheat your oven to the 3rd Circle – that’s Gluttony for those of you still on the old Infernal scale.
Strain out the sassafras (pro tip: the elven tears can still be used to scour your hydra) and set aside.
Separate the egg whites and the yolks. The unneeded griffin yolks can be used in the summoning of a succubus to clean the kitchen afterwards.
Place the whites in a large bowl, and belabour your imp until he has beaten them to a smooth consistency, while you slowly add the white sugar.
When the mixture begins forming peaks add the sassafras.
In a separate bowl cream the butter and brown sugar.
Add two cups of flour, and 1 cup of mermaid’s milk, and mix.
Smooth the surface and then inscribe the Sigil of Falgan upon it with honey.
Add the remainder of the flour, and more milk if needed.
Mix the dough thoroughly. Place it on a baking tray in bite-sized portions.
Smother it in the egg white mixture, sprinkling a pinch of pixie dust on each one.
After chanting Drison’s incantation pop them into the oven for twenty minutes.
Garnish with an iridescent scale from a lesser bronze dragon when cool.
May 19, 2011 — 11:33 PM
Spomenka says:
As per the above, the next person who asks me, “So what’s your fantasy story about?” I’m going to have to answer, “Sassafras and elf tears.” I just like that phrase so much I might start using it when I swear.
June 7, 2011 — 2:39 AM