Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

Search Term Bingo, Starring Johnny Depp As “Pony Boy”

Ahhh, there we go. The totally absurd search terms are coming in hot and heavy once again.

And so it is that I emerge out of shadow and slap you in the face with a wet sack of Search Term Bingo. If you don’t know the drill, here it is: I comb through the search terms people use to find this blog, and I cherry-pick the weirdest of those search terms and… well, madness ensues. Please to enjoy.

what happens if i accidentally breathe water

You might suffer a funny little side effect called “death by drowning,” dipshit. What do you think this is, THE ABYSS? You cannot breathe water. You cannot aspirate a cheeseburger. It’s oxygen or nothing, buddy.

you jizz hamsters pony boy

The lack of punctuation here is killing me.

“You! Jizz Hamsters! Pony boy!”

“You jizz hamsters, pony boy.”

“You. Jizz. Hamsters. Pony. Boy.”

“You jizz hamster’s pony, boy.”


I’m going to go with the second option, because it feels like an insult strung up in future slang. Some cyber-hacker anti-corporate teen robo-courier from the future flips the middle finger to some jackhole in a jet-car that just cut him off in traffic and he’s all like, “You jizz hamsters, pony boy!” And passersby gasp. So, remember, anybody gets in your way, call them a pony boy and tell them they jizz hamsters.

Which, come to think of it, sounds really painful.

x-ray of gun in mans anus

Such a shame. I misread this the first time, instead reading it as, “X-Ray Gun In Man’s Anus.” And I was like, whooooa, an X-Ray gun? I want one! Even if it’s been up some dude’s keister, I want it.

“I’ve got an X-Ray gun!”

“Why does it smell like that?”

“Uhhh. Nothing. Stop smelling my X-Ray gun, dick.”

sniggering mtv teen

I now know what I will yell at people when I am an old man and they come onto my lawn. “Get off my grass, you sniggering MTV teens! With your hair! And your clothes! And all that sniggering! Go back to MTV! Go diddle yourself to the Lady Goo-Gas of the world you little prevert!”

But my eyes will be so bad, I’ll probably just be yelling at a whitetail deer. The doe will blink at me, flick her tail, then go back to eating some clover. “QUIT YOUR DAMN SNIGGERING!”

still waiting on tribulations

Aren’t we all?

Won’t have to wait much longer, what with Saturday being the end of the world and all that. Or, at least, the Rapture. Like I said on Twitter last week, I hope when the Rapture comes it takes away all those assholes who believe in the Rapture. Then we can totally have a big orgy. Melzer’s bringing the Chex Mix. We still need someone to bring the ginger ale, the blow-up donkey, and the industrial lubricant.

Sign up by the door. Let me know what you’re bringing.

carla gugino’s thighs

This is one of the search terms that gets people here with some frequency. It’s this, search terms about Pauley Perrette, “beard maintenance,” “turtle penis,” and “albinos of ghost mountain.”

Seriously, together those search terms account for dozens, and sometimes hundreds, of views per day.

Also: Carla Gugino’s Thighs. Band, or album?

Biography, or autobiography?

CIA Codename, or Native American Ritual Dance?

giant rotating nipple ships from outer space

Sold. Here’s a bucket of money. Go make this into a movie.

websites for people who like use meth

I was pleased to learn that terribleminds was named one of the Top 101 Websites For Writers by Writer’s Digest, but I am now truly geeked to learn that we have been named one of the Top 101 Websites For Folks Who Tweak The Fuck Out On Tubloads Of Crystal Meth. That has always been my goal here: to entertain those most jovial citizens, those with meth-scabs and tweaker-teeth, those who live in moldy trailers and smell like cat pee, those who vacuum for days just because they can, those who will stab you in the face with a rusty garden trowel just to get a box of Sudafed so they can cook up more of that sweet-ass crank.

I’d like to thank my parents. My wife. And God.

*kisses award, points to the heavens, grabs crotch*

when will my beard come in?

I dunno. When did you order it?

sucks his own clit

Nudge, nudge.

Might want to take an anatomy class. Or just Google, “Do dudes have clitorises?”

You know, on second thought, don’t Google that. Just take my answer — “no they do not” — and walk away.

omg baby comming out through vagina

This search term makes it sound like it’s some kind of holy-shit biological surprise. Well, where the hell did you think it was going to come out? Her nose? Did you think she was having some kind of butt baby? They don’t deliver them via UPS, for Chrissakes. Newsflash: babies come out of a woman’s hoo-hah. Any Obi-Gyn Kenobi will tell you that shit. Just call around. “OMG!” Shut up.

the whiskey dragon

Dibs. Dibs! DIBS. I called it. This is the name of my next novel. “The Whiskey Dragon.”

Come to think of it, I want this name for so many things. I want to buy a pub and call it that. “Come on down, have a pint and a shot at the Whiskey Dragon!” Would make a good name for my computer, too. And my car. And my penis. And my first-born son. “This is my spawn, Whiskey-Dragon Wendig.” Nobody will fuck with that kid. What bully’s going to be like, “Let’s go beat up Whiskey-Dragon!” You know that’s a bad idea. Because, c’mon. Whiskey-Dragon.

I also envision a dragon that, instead of breathing fire or ice, it breathes whiskey.

Thank you, Search Term Bingo. Thank you.

some stupid monkey for miranda

Yeah! Fucking Miranda. She’s always like, “Rah rah rah, whine whine whine, I want a monkey!” Well, fine. Fine, Miranda, fine. Here’s a stupid monkey for you. I found him in a dumpster humping a a cardboard box filled with old lettuce. You can have him! He’s just some stupid monkey. He’s probably going to end up biting half your face off because that’s all these stupid monkeys do. People get them and they dress them up in pink dresses or powder blue tuxedos and they’re all like, “This is my son! I love him so much!” and then the monkey bites out their eye and poops in the hole. But whatever. Whatever, Miranda.

You wanted a stupid monkey. You got a stupid monkey.

I hate you so bad, Miranda.

my wife has a sweet ass

I’m happy for you, but why did you need to Google that?

will beanie babies make a comeback

For the love of Jim Nabors, I hope so. I have a metric poop-load of these goddamn things.  I got the little fucking bears, I got the dogs and the cats and a pink lizard and a dumb little dolphin and a goddamn… I dunno what he is, some kind of fucking crustacean or some shit? Whole room full of these sonofabitches. It’s like — this, this is why the economy shit the bed. Forget real estate. Forget the tech boom. The Beanie Baby Bubble is real. It affected millions when that zit popped. These babies were going for a mint. A mint. You could walk onto a car lot, throw down a gym-bag full of these fuzzy little fuckers and walk out of there with a previously owned Lamborghini Diablo. But now you can’t give these things away. They’re worth negative money. If you even show a Beanie Baby to someone, you have to them pay them two dollars. Seriously. I’m not messing around. There was some nonsense about AIG insuring Beanie Babies, and then I think the Ty Warner company like, bet against the Beanie Baby market, which meant they were betting against the Beanie Baby collectors at the same time they were making money off the Beanie Baby sales?

It’s sick. It’s a sickness. This is what caused the Recession. Beanie Baby whores. All of them.

bingo boobs

This blog is no longer called terribleminds.

It shall hereby be known as Bingo Boobs.

And it’s the name of my first-born daughter. My son, Whiskey-Dragon. My daughter, Bingo Boobs.

what food can you put on your breasts?

If you’re laying down, probably most foods, right? Not that I’d recommend slopping a whole Christmas ham on there or whatever, but I’m just saying — you could. You totally could.

Standing up, well, it depends not so much on the size of the breasts as how much weight they can support? Like, do they function as shelves? Try experimenting with various foods. Okay, cotton candy, easy. Some lunchmeat slices, not too much trouble. Go bigger. Loaf of bread. Canned peas. Beef tenderloin. Jug of milk. Dead goat. My advice to you is: dream big. Don’t stop believing.

is it bad to suck back in snot

That’s what killed Elvis.

frothy eye cockerel

New cocktail name? Or a rad new sex move? You tell me.

which face beard can shoot

It depends which beard can do laser. Often, the left face beard is the face beard with the laser installed, and usually — usually, but not always — the right face beard has a force field built in. But that’s not a guarantee. It depends on which company makes the face beard. Microsoft? Google? Weyland-Yutani? Leave me your serial number, your registration code, your birthdate, your social security number, and your favorite color, and we’ll get this whole thing figured out nice and quick. Thanks for calling! Have a great day.

unicorn nipples

I demand that this be a new cookie.

Okay, Internets, here’s your task: drop into the comments below and describe for me what a cookie called a “unicorn nipple” should look like. Bonus points if you include a recipe, real or imagined.