It has become increasingly clear to me that I am going to be an awful father.
(hold for applause)
I am only marginally capable as a human being. The very few things I am good at are simply not things that will help me raise a kid. Way I see it, I’ve got a 15-minute window daily where Daddy can kick a little ass — I’ll be top of the pops when it comes time for the wee one to lay down and be transfixed by the weird magic of storytime. I’ll probably be good at that. The rest of the time? Eeeesh.
In part, this is why I wanted a girl. Because then Daddy can just be Daddy — he doesn’t have to teach the girl how to be a girl. (I recognize that this is a little myopic and perhaps even mildly sexist. But the father-son and mother-daughter axes are still prevalent, for good or evil.) But a son? Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, no. One day my son is going to look into my eyes and seek answers. He’s going to want to know something about something, about anything, he’s going to ask me “Why?” or “How do I do this?” or “What do I do now?” and I am likely to stand there, jaw beslackened, my mouth forming words that have no sound.
What the hell am I going to tell him?
“Son, here’s how to write your way out of this problem. Bully at school? Punish him in your fiction!”
“My boy, to fix this problem, you must go, go be snarky on the Internet.”
“Problems at school? Uhhhh. Here’s how to make an omelet. Did that fix anything?”
I don’t have any of my own answers. In fact, as I get older, I am increasingly bewildered. My once rock-solid certainty in things is turning to liver mush.
I’m clumsy. My practical skills are minimal. I’m an idiot. I’m lucky I don’t piss myself in public. I should wear a bucket on my head so I don’t damage the soft fontanelle of my skull.
I don’t expect the child to realize it right away. I mean, I can fake it for a number of years. It’s not like my son is going to be playing with his toy du jour at the age of five and realize Daddy put that shit together wrong. But over time, the reality of my overall incompetence is going to seep into his daily life and there will one day come a kind of illumination for him, a critical moment of revelation where a flashlight clicks suddenly on and highlights a spot on the wall that had before been cloaked in shadow, and on the wall will be written the words: “Daddy is a dipshit. Adults are suspect. Trust nothing.”
You know what I did yesterday? I painted the nursery. It is, quite literally, the color of Winnie the Pooh. The end result? Whoo. Yeah. We should’ve just hired a chimp to paint it. I came out of that room looking like a paint bomb went off. No telling how much paint I actually ingested. (Answer: at least 8 ounces.)
This isn’t going to go well.
Daily the boy shows deeper signs of his existence. He’s punching and kicking like you wouldn’t believe. Weeks back, I’d feel my wife’s belly and the wee one’s movements would be minimal — not more than a muscle twitch here, a nudge-nudge there. But now he’s developing. He’s got room to move. He’s breaking bricks with karate chops in there. He’s an action hero. I put my hand there, it’s like that scene in Jurassic Park where [insert dinosaur here] tries to break through [insert object here] and [dents it, damages it, breaks it]. You can see the flesh move as he pivot-kicks off my wife’s bladder and Ki-yaaaa!
So, we are now receiving daily reminders that this is real.
This is happening.
I’m going to be a Daddy, and I am woefully unprepared.
I figure that, in order to fill in the gaps of my striking lack of knowledge, I’d better turn to you, the brain trust, the hive-mind, the group-think, to figure some shit out.
Today is fairly light, but it’s really time to start hunkering down and procuring the mountain of objects reportedly necessary to have a baby. We have a crib, but we don’t have much else. No high chair, no car seat, no play pen, no nothing. Dipping our toes into the waters, we are learning alarming truths: did you know, for instance, that car seats have expiration dates? As if the car seat were a jug of milk? True fact.
So, what I’d like to know is whether or not you have any advice — anything at all — to share regarding our preparations for the baby’s upcoming existence. It’s a daunting task just trying to buy the objects that the baby will use for like, 10 minutes (“This high-chair is good for ages 3 months to 3 months and 7 days”). It’s just as daunting trying to figure out the items the baby won’t need. You go to a place like Babies R’ Us and it is truly overwhelming. I don’t need that many objects to survive. They have like, 50,000 strollers available. It is awesome, and not in the “Dude, Bro, Awesome” way, but rather in the, “I have seen great Cthulhu rise from the ocean’s depths to consume us all and lo it is awesome.”
Any help is appreciated because, well, as noted earlier, I am doe-eyed and confused. But the truck is coming, and no matter how hypnotized I am by the pretty lights, I have to get cracking.
DelilahSDawson says:
It’s very scary, and all babies have more in common with Cthulu than their wackjob parents would like to admit. My #1 baby need was a good sling/baby carrier, because the little koalamonsters seem happiest when glued to mom in the same exact position they’ve spent the last 9 months, continuing to wreak havoc on her mind and body.
Also, I wrote a review of a great book for dads by advice columnist Harlan something-or-other for http://www.CoolMomPicks.com. It was helpful and nicely sized for bathroom reading. Here’s the link: http://www.coolmompicks.com/2010/06/the_book_for_him_thats_really.php
Congratulations on your impending disaster!
February 7, 2011 — 7:52 AM
Julie says:
You don’t need as many things as they try to insist you do, and-
You’ll be fine.
First of all, you have plenty of time to get a high chair. There’s not much point before he can even sit up. Relax.
Relax.
Everyone feels their way around this. Everyone thinks they’re going to screw up. No one has ever done this before the first time.
I swear you’ll be fine.
February 7, 2011 — 8:15 AM
CjEggett says:
Don’t worry about it, if you mess up the first one you can always have another.
Also, probably a good idea to warn him about the “conspiracy of adults” asap.
February 7, 2011 — 8:29 AM
David A Hill Jr says:
I have a few minor things:
1) As far as buying stuff goes, if you can come up with a reasonable argument for why you don’t really need it (high chairs, for example,) I advise against cluttering your house with one. We did all that for the first baby, and hated it. For the second baby, we went barebones. It wasn’t bad at all.
2) Babies are pretty damned resilient, both physically and otherwise. Breaking them is hard. Pissing them off is almost always temporary. You’re going to be an excellent father, and that will carry through the hard times. Your kid will bounce back and be happy after anything you might think is the end of the world in the immediate.
3) Never assume a child isn’t smart/strong/good enough to do something, and they’ll always surprise you. My daughter, at 2, was playing on a computer. At 4, she can now read, can do basic math, et cetera. I try to put as few boundaries on her as possible. I don’t restrict, I supervise. And I think it’s done a lot to let her develop the way she wants.
4) I really liked having a car seat/stroller combination. The kind where you snap the car seat out of the car and directly plug it into the stroller. Those are great (despite my hatred of baby-gadgetry) because babies love to sleep in the car. If you don’t have to transfer them to the stroller, they’re likely to continue sleeping.
February 7, 2011 — 8:46 AM
Angela says:
Dear Mr. Wendig,
Relax.
You’re looking around at all of these products and probably seeing people with babies and you think “I do not know what to do with those babies.” You’re right. You don’t. Those babies belong to someone else. Your baby will have your genetic makeup and therefore will be way more tolerant of your shortcomings than somebody else’s baby. You’ll figure it out as you go. Kids are highly forgiving creatures….until tween years. But you’ve got time.
As for this preparation thing, let me share a true story:
I was pregnant at 28. I bought some of the basic necessities and signed up to take parenting classes. I had no idea how I was going to be a mom. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to be. I never babysat for babies or toddlers because, quite frankly, I didn’t like them. But I thought I’d learn some things in class and buy some more stuff and read some more books by overly specific child-rearing experts. But, SURPRISE,several weeks early, I was whisked into the hospital and we had an emergency c-section.
NO classes. No overstocked cupboard full of babystuff. No book-reading. I was sure that I didn’t know what the hell to do.
But once the boy was there, it clicked. Some of the parts that didn’t click, we figured out through trial and error. I don’t recommend trial and error for things like, say, sending the kid out into traffic on his first go-kart. But, for things like ‘what’s the best way to discipline my kid’, trial and error is perfectly acceptable.
My boy is now 10, wicked humor, musically inclined, and obsessed with sword-fighting. Every age brings new things we have to figure out. But, he’s still alive. By ancient civilization standards, that’s a remarkable thing.
Oh, and lastly, product advice, just one mom’s opinion
I found the diaper genie to be a ridiculous waste of money. The damn diapers stink to high-heaven no matter what, so you’ll want to empty the odoriferous genie multiple times a day. A lidded trash can with a foot lever is, in my estimation, a better solution. And bags are cheaper.
Also: the play-pen/pack-and-play is used for SUCH a short duration of time, buying that used or even borrowing one is acceptable.
Strollers: do not fall for the notion that the ‘umbrella stroller is smaller and cheaper so why do I want the big stroller’. When you’ve spent an hour at the zoo hunched over trying to reach the handles on that itty bitty wobbly thing that falls over in the smallest breeze….you’ll be wishing you’d made the investment in the bigger stroller. (I had both types of stroller. Used the umbrella one ONCE and gave it away.)
Best of luck!
February 7, 2011 — 8:52 AM
Andrea Phillips says:
Just FYI, they will totally know that you assembled that toy wrong lonnnnnng before five. You’ve only got to two, maybe three for those shenanigans.
Here’s my advice: To begin with, you need a few things for the baby to wear (you will probably get these as gifts), a place for the baby to sleep, plus bedding if desired, (and by bedding I mean ‘a mattress pad and a sheet’), a car seat to bring the baby home with, diapers, and a planned method to feed the baby. Other stuff goes purely into the optional pile: special swaddling blankets, nursing pillows, swings and bouncy seats, strollers, high chairs. These things are luxuries, not necessities, and especially in the first few weeks.
Here’s the thing: Baby products are all about solving problems in your life. Don’t go crazy buying baby accessories that other people are recommending for you until you have have actually brought the baby home and you know what problems *you* have. Everyone parents differently.
You can acquire what you need little by little as the need actually arises. Babies R Us will *still be open*! And this way you aren’t wasting tons of money on stuff that it turns out doesn’t fit so well in your life, anyway.
And finally: I used to work at ConsumerSearch.com, and I highly advocate their method of picking products to recommend, in the face of the bewilderment of “But WHICH car seat?” Have at. http://www.consumersearch.com/family-and-pets
February 7, 2011 — 8:56 AM
Aiwevanya says:
Okay, I’m going to go all hitchhikers on you, you’re going to need to imagine the friendly font for yourself, but DON’T PANIC. Easier said than done, I know, but you’re going to be fine, take it a bit at a time, first few months the only real skill you’re going to need is the ability to function with a messed up sleep cycle, seriously if you can wake up in the middle of the night and be relatively cheerful you’ve passed baby rearing 101. After that it gets more complicated but everyone has their own way of doing things. My personal advice would be not to try to be anyone other than yourself, my experience is that kids don’t stop respecting their parents if they don’t have all the answers, especially if they’re willing to admit they don’t have all the answers. Basically spend time with the kid, treat him like a human being, hope it works out, that’s about as good advice as I have, but my son will be thirteen this year and I don’t seem to have screwed him up too badly so far.
February 7, 2011 — 9:03 AM
Kate Haggard says:
Deep breaths. Nice big deep breaths. You’ll be OK. I promise if a ne’erdowell like my father can raise two kids with only a few hiccups that you’ll be just fine. The fact that you’re freaking out and worrying about it is a good sign.
(Other than that, I’m no help. But hey, moral support!)
February 7, 2011 — 9:05 AM
Stoney says:
1. Get any and all traveling you want to do in NOW. You won’t take another trip until your baby is 13.
2. There is scientific evidence that shows that an increased # of toys is directly related to an increased amount of boredom. If said toys require batteries, interest lost is exponential.
3. Get all the extra sleep now that you can. You won’t be able to sleep in again until your baby is 13.
4. Find a pediatrician that will look you in the eye and more importantly, one that looks your child in the eye. (Ask your friends with kids for recommendations.)
5. Never wait longer than 10 minutes in the big waiting room and 10 more minutes in the little waiting room.
6. Always trust your instincts. Or baring you have any, always trust your wife’s instincts.
7. For pity’s sake, VACCINATE YOUR CHILD.
8. Laugh with you baby. A lot.
9. No baby was ever ruined by being loved too much.
February 7, 2011 — 9:06 AM
Julie says:
Angela and Andrea hit it square on the head. Excellent advice.
February 7, 2011 — 9:07 AM
terribleminds says:
All immensely helpful so far.
Terror levels dropping.
Thank you.
Keep talking.
— c.
February 7, 2011 — 9:13 AM
Stoney says:
Also: high chairs aren’t needed for a while, take your time. Get a car seat that converts to a booster seat, your wallet will thank you in a few years. You don’t need a play pen until the baby starts rolling off counters. Don’t let the baby roll off counters.
Those huge ass All Terrain strollers? More trouble than they’re worth, unless you live where there are unpaved roads. Get one of those cheapy-looking umbrella strollers for navigating crowds. Unless you want to smack people in the shins, then yeah, get one of those huge monstrosities.
Tell your wife to lay a second diaper over your boy’s tackle for midnight diaper changes, otherwise you’ll get an unpleasant surprise. Bring a blanket home from the hospital before the baby so the dogs can get used to the new smell.
Dance around with your baby, they love it.
February 7, 2011 — 9:14 AM
Keith says:
Best daddying advice I got came from a guy named Grebok: “Babies come with training wheels.” your kid won’t need or do much at first, and will be simply fascinated with such things as your eyes, hands & beard. Don’t lose those. Once your comfortable with that, jr will raise the bar.
We found a vibrating chair (cheap but effective) indespensible for helping the kid sit, watch & on desperate nights, sleep.
K
February 7, 2011 — 9:15 AM
Stoney says:
I keep forgetting stuff. (Welcome to parenthood.) Read every Erma Bombeck book she wrote. That, my friend, is parenting. With baby #1 you’re sterilizing yourself before you change their diaper. With baby #3 you’re fishing their pacifier out of the coffee grounds and thinking, “Eh, adds flavor.”
Y’all will do great.
Love, a mother of 3, cousin to 167 others. (No, really.) Babies happen, you figure it out as you grow older together, trust me.
February 7, 2011 — 9:17 AM
Mommy Theorist says:
Not myopic or sexist, just wrong–a dad influences his daughter in significant ways: http://mommytheorist.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/how-to-have-a-better-appreciation-of-the-opposite-sex/
Useful advice about parenting from a new parent to come. My best tip, though, is: PUT THE GIZMO DOWN. The best thing you can do is remember to pay attention to your kid.
February 7, 2011 — 9:18 AM
Rob Donoghue says:
Panic is totally appropriate. I would love to say “relax” but, really? Panic is fine.
I also have a more cynical, pro-stuff perspective, and it comes to this – the kid will be a lot of (wonderful, rewarding) work. It will tire you out, sometimes more than you can possibly imagine. There are precious few things which are absolutely _necessary_ for your kid, and lots and lots of things that are actively unnecessary, but there’s a fairly robust middle that is occupied by things which you may not need, but which will make your life a little bit easier. Small margins may not seem like a lot, but when you’re stretched paper thin, they can be the difference between madness and sanity.
The one problem is that there’s no one good answer for what those useful things are. A lot is going to depend upon your kid and your strategies for the kid. But thinking about that can give you some guidelines (with the qualifier that some plans simply aren’t going to hold up in reality). The trick is to figure out what strategies you can now, and equip for those specifically. That at least guarantees you get widgets with a purpose, not just things that “look useful”.
A couple strategies to think about are safety (Outlets, gates*, accessibility of cabinets and shelves) Diapers (Where will you change the kid. Do stinky diapers get thrown out outside, or do you need something to store them inside that minimizes stink? Also, where are the diapers, wipes and ointments going to go?) Sleeping (Who gets up when there’s a middle of the night noise? Are there enough potential mystery noises that it’s worth investing in a camera so you don’t risk disturbing the kid to check**). Toys (You will have toys. More of them than you think. Where are they going to go?). Clothing Strategy (another thing where storage will be fun, since sizes are an adventure***).
There are others, but the point is that if you think in terms of how you’ll actually use things.
Anyway, for all that I’m pro-panic, people’s kind words are apt too. So long as you’re invested in doing right by your kid, you will.
-Rob D.
* – Retractable gates like this – http://www.amazon.com/Regal-Lager-KiddyGuard-Gate/dp/tags-on-product/B00009SS6B – are a style I will swear by. The ability to quickly gate-up or down keeps the house very usable.
** – Yes. Yes it is. We got this – http://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-Handheld-Monitor-Screen/dp/B0007OD8SU/ – and despite the price tag it was probably our single-most sleep-saving investment, and sleep becomes oh, so very precious.
*** Watch Craigslist for kids clothes. Everyone’s kid outgrows their stuff, so you can often get bags of good stuff very inexpensively.
February 7, 2011 — 9:37 AM
Rob Donoghue says:
Oh, one more thing.
BY ALL THAT IS HOLY, do NOT give into the urge to buy cute boutique stuffed animals for the child. If you do, you can me sure that the one which becomes the comfort object will be an irreplaceable work of art created by a blind gnome under the mountains of Zurich, and when the day comes that the child throws up on it, you’re doomed. Find things you can buy, like, 4 of, so they’re hot-swappable.
-Rob D.
February 7, 2011 — 9:41 AM
Doyce says:
Angela and Stoney said a lot of key stuff.
With that said, and going “yeah, everyone parents differently, sure” there are some things you might as well get now, or at least register for.
Speaking of registering, may I suggest Target? I fucking hate Babies R Us. Hate.
A boppy pillow. Two, actually. Horseshoe-shaped things (don’t get the ones where the hole in the middle is filled in – that’s bullshit) that let you hold the kid on your lap while keeping both your arms free to do stuff like feed them while continuing to have a second hand free. Seriously, it’s like getting a third arm, which is kinda what you need for awhile. If I had NO OTHER baby-related tool but a boppy, I’d be okay.
Maybe get a three-pack of infant bottles if you want, just to stare at. I like the evenflo purely comfi ones, cuz of the way they curve.
Probably get a changing table/dresser for the kids room. You’ll have fun assembling that.
I second the idea where you get a combination car seat/babystrolleritsnapsinto thing.
Did I mention the boppy pillow? I got one with my daughter that was STILL in regular service around the house when her little brother showed up last week.
Don’t get any kind of baby seat that vibrates. They don’t need that kind of stimulation. If you can’t find one that DOESN’T vibrate, pry don’t waste money on batteries.
Maybe a very simple cd player for the kids room, if you want to play sleepy songs. Good luck finding one.
A bath towel. Or, come to that, you’ll pry feel better with a baby bathtub. I did — just fewer chances for something to go awry.
I have thoughts on how much to stress about breastfeeding and stuff (very, very little), but that’s getting ahead of the game.
Don’t sweat the highchair until you start trying out solid food at like… 5 or 6 months. Register for one of those baby-gyms, but don’t buy it early. For god’s sake don’t ASSEMBLE it until the kid can kinda control his hands a little.
Get a copy of Goodnight Moon.
Bottle warmers, blinking educational toys, bottle sterilizers and basically anything else that BabiesRUs says you need? That’s all bullshit. ESPECIALLY those multiplatform pack and plays they sell now — fucking waste of time and money.
Take a metric fuckton of pictures. Seriously, like I need to tell you that, but you won’t remember the first four months by the time the kid’s a year, if you don’t.
I dunno. What else?
OH YEAH.
Go to Target and get a six-pack of those cloth diapers. Not for diapering, but as burp-cloths. They’re perfect, and nothing else really is. You want enough that they can spread around kinda wherever you are, with at least one left over for the diaper bag.
Register for a diaper bag if you want, but understand you’ll get at least two small ones for free from various companies who want you to keep buying their shit.
Do the hospital-provided ‘lamaze’ class not because you need to do drug-free birth, but because they do a pretty good job briefing you on what to expect. Also take the safety class, so you get an idea of stuff that needs to be fixed up around the house — when you’re done with that, you’ll understand the comment about how ‘bedding’ for the crib is nothing more a fitted sheet and a mattress pad.
Oh yeah: get like a three-pack of sleep sacks. They’re awesome.
And oh yeah: Mylocon or Little Tummies. Trust me. Best thing for gassy tummy aches ever.
I dunno. There’s other random shit, but leave it til later — just find a store nearby that carries baby stuff and is open 24/7 and you’ll be fine.
February 7, 2011 — 9:51 AM
Julie says:
Oh, also, to paraphrase-
“There is no such thing as a child-proof cap.”
And-
Always assume your baby can reach everything while mobile. Everything. They grow faster than you can imagine. In that vein, avoid freaking out over imaginary horrors and do things like, oh… PUT THE FREAKING KNIFE IN THE SINK OR DISHWASHER INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT ON THE COUNTER EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Thank you.
That way you can avoid my husband’s coming fate of having a steak knife shoved into his spleen. Oh it’s coming…
February 7, 2011 — 9:55 AM
Jay says:
Don’t panic.
Ignore all advice you don’t feel comfortable with.
Don’t make plans.
Don’t expect anything to happen like you expect it to.
Prepare for an overdose of joy, love and insanity to hit you in the nuts.
Burn the baby books. Do what works for YOU, what feels right, what makes that kiddo smile and sleep and lets you relax for even a second to consider: “hey, I might just not be fucking this whole thing up after all….”
February 7, 2011 — 9:57 AM
Filamena says:
Some of the best parents I ever met raised the brattiest, most insufferable brats of all time. Several of the best people I know were raised by people Maury wouldn’t have on his show. Like David said. Children are resilient. We like to think we have ALL this POWER! (mwahahah) over their lives, but there’s some part of it that’s hardwired. Babies are harder to break than you think. If you hold them a lot. Tell them you love them even more and laugh at (erm, or with, with works too) any chance you get, you’re good to go.
Don’t buy anything big/weird/expensive until you need it. Don’t be like ‘well, all the moms in the commercials have the dingle hopper. I better get two just in case.’ Wait until you’re like, ‘you know what would make changing the baby easier? a dingle hopper.’ Your situation is unique. Your methods are going to be unique. You don’t know that you need a dingle hopper (patent pending) until you need one.
It’s going to be a while before he’s really asking questions, Chuck. You don’t have to answer them ‘correctly,’ or even ‘well.’ Creative answers spark a child’s imagination and give a child their single favorite opportunity evar. Children LOVE to laugh at you and say ‘no daddy. That isn’t yellow!’ They love to correct and demonstrate they know the answer. The other great thing to do is turn the question on them. “Why is the sky blue?” “You tell me, honey, why is the sky blue.” The story they’ll tell you to explain… Pure magic.
Be warned. The baby is smarter than you think he is. He’ll understand what you’re saying LONG before he can answer you back or even respond correctly. Oh. He knows. Hell, he can hear you know and knows the sound of your voice. He’s listening.. Chuck. He’s listening.
But don’t panic! 🙂
February 7, 2011 — 10:04 AM
Catherine says:
You are an excellent father already. If only every baby had a dad who had what it takes to write a post like this – the courage, concern, thoughtfulness, insight, interest, the will to be present, the wish to his best, the kindness, the love. <3
Don't sweat the details, cross bridges when they come, treat yourself to some perspective early & often. Have fun, make sure your kid is having fun. It isn't about handing out answers, it's about being refuge decked out with love and available guidance/ideas while your kid develops questions & answers of his own. It's about being so deeply in your kid's corner that the kid never wonders whether your in his corner. It does not take a terribly intuitive person to see that you're capable of that. So rest assured the important stuff is covered.
Best wishes in your new adventure, and congratulations!
February 7, 2011 — 10:09 AM
Peter Hentges says:
“Daddy is a dipshit. Adults are suspect. Trust nothing.”
If this is all you teach your son, you will have served him well.
February 7, 2011 — 10:11 AM
Sparky says:
I feel strangely unqualified to speak to this as I have not yet reproduced (and do not intend to for several years minimum) but here goes. (All comments in this instance are based on what I grasp from parenting friends and how I was raised)
Of course the kid is eventually going to realize adults are suspect. You could be competent at quite literally everything and they would still a) see you as strange/failing/unusual/inept at something/misunderstanding them. And if not you, some other adult. So don’t worry about that realization.
Not that I am advocating boldly stating to them that you feel unsure but come on give the kid some credit. If they learn to take advice with a grain of salt and see adults as people (rather than monolithic figureheads) then all the better for them. I was always grateful to my parents for things like that. I was told that while yes I was free to pursue anything I put my mind to we do have limits so I would need to work with them (I will always suck at math so if I wanted to be a mathematician I was free to work on it, but it would be an uphill battle)
Second: Don’t be discounting storytime man. I was told the tales of Les Miserable and The Phantom of the Opera and Shakespeare long before I understood them. So when the time came I already had that shit down. Hell my dad an I still swap stories, he has been my primary test audience for my novel’s rough draft. Some of my fondest memories are of me reading his unpublished ya novels.
Third: No parent is competent at everything, so just go with it and be glad you have the net and are clever enough to think on your feet. Some kids knew how to read long before I did because my formative years (think before preschool) weren’t focused insanely on academics. To the surprise/dismay of many I’m sure my parents focused more on stories and letting me grow socially. As a result I enjoyed reading where most of my old school mates still regard it as a chore whereas my kindle is rapidly filling.
And of course I close with the best advice I have ever read: DON’T PANIC. Come on people have been doing this by instinct and advice for millions of years and getting it mostly right. I’m sure you and your wife will do fine.
February 7, 2011 — 10:24 AM
Sparky says:
Oh and while I advise avoiding hypochondria by proxy a home medical reference/useful bookmarks on the web will be invaluable for tricks on treating the actual medical troubles that I am sure will come up, and I agree with/second all the points about finding a good pediatrician.
February 7, 2011 — 10:27 AM
Sprogblogger says:
Car seat – you need one to take the kid home, but you don’t need any specific one. They’re all cleared for safety. Buy the one that is cheapest or you like the color of, or that fits on the stroller you like. But yeah, you can’t buy it used.
Crib – drop sides aren’t safe, and they’re being phased out of the U.S. IKEA sells a cheap, basic crib that is easy to deal with and solid as a solid piece of wood. You can go nuts with cribs, but why would you? Don’t waste your money on cute sheet sets – babies can’t use pillows, quilts, top sheets or bumpers. If your wife’s going to be breastfeeding, keeping the crib – or a bedside bassinet – in your bedroom will make her life so much easier.
Also, if she’s breastfeeding, you’ve got a bit of leeway on buying bottles/breastpump. Hold off on that purchase til you need it, since there’s every chance he won’t like the first bottle you try.
Video monitors are expensive but awesome for your peace of mind once baby starts napping in a crib (instead of in your arms).
Strollers – decide what you’ll use it for. If you’re urban, and you can afford it, then buy a nice one that won’t overbalance when you load it up with groceries. If it’s just going to get used here & there, then a cheap umbrella stroller will likely do for you.
Slings/baby carriers are nice. I used a ring-type sling by Balboa Baby for the first 10 weeks & loved it. Now, he hates being carried in an Ergo carrier, but that’s because my kid is freakishly large & he just prefers a stroller. I know folks who love them, but you might want to wait on an ergo/bjorn purchase til you learn if he’ll like ’em or not.
Shopping online is your friend. Amazon has an “amazon moms” subscription service for diapers, baby wipes, etc. that gives you a killer discount, free 2-day shipping on everything from Amazon, and is generally just easy to deal with and the way to go for diaper-type purchases that you’re going to need a lot of.
Don’t buy clothes ahead of time. If you end up with a big kid like I did, he’ll be in 12mos. clothes by the time he’s 4 months, and all those adorable outfits you bought for his first year will be keeping someone else’s kid well-dressed, because they won’t fit him. You’ll probably get a ton of clothes as gifts, but if not, a few that are indispensable – t shirts til his umbilical cord heals. I didn’t even bother dressing baby til that happened. Once he was good to go, I found that all those cutesy 2-piece outfits rode up over his belly. Until he’s crawling or walking, stick with one-pieces, either with or without feet depending on how formal you feel like being. Much easier. EBay is actually a great source for baby clothes because they grow out of ’em so fast that the clothes are always in really good shape.
Kid’s not going to need toys for a few months, and you’ll likely get ’em as gifts anyway.
Don’t worry about a high chair til you need one – 4-6 months old.
Some babies love swings, mine doesn’t. Wait to see what kind you’ve got before you devote the money & floor space to one.
A BabyBjorn bouncy-chair has been used every day since my son was born in September. Adjustable, fold-up-able, not-too-offensive-looking. He sits on the table (directly against their recommendations) during out meals, he loves looking around at everyone, and he can bounce in it by kicking his legs, which has really built up his leg-strength. Pricey, but worth it.
Have some blankets handy for swaddling, nursing cover-ups, burpcloths, etc. Lots, because they’ll get dirty.
A dedicated place to change diapers is nice, but a table isn’t necessary – a soft chair covered in towels, a guest-room bed, anything that you can leave the towels down so that it’s as easy a process as possible. You’ll be changing a LOT of diapers. Make it easy on yourselves. Burts Bees makes a wonderful butt ointment that doesn’t smell nasty. We went through a lot and he never got diaper rash. Worth it.
Swaddling – until he’s 3 or 4 months old, he’ll probably sleep WAY better wrapped up like a baby burrito. They’ll show you how to do this with a receiving blanket in the hospital, but buying a velcro-ed blanket by kiddopotamus will make your life easier. Sleepsacks are awesome if your house is cold.
You can pick up most of this stuff as you need it so that it’s not too overwhelming. Car seat, place to sleep (crib or bassinet), diapers, t-shirts, formula/bottle if she’s not breastfeeding. That’s all you need at first. They really need remarkably little, it’s YOUR convenience that you’re going to be spending money on. And your fun. Buy some baby books early. “Experts” say that parents should START reading to babies when they’re 8-10 months old – screw that. My kid’s been getting read to since the day he came home from the hospital and he loves it, has definite favorite books, and loves turning pages at 4 mos. Start ’em young, and it’s a nice bedtime ritual which kids (and parents!) love.
And, um, have fun. Really. Having an infant around is a blast, and I wasn’t prepared for it to be. I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong because everyone always complains about it so much. It’s exhausting, but fun. Enjoy it – you’re going to do great!
February 7, 2011 — 10:28 AM
Stephen Blackmoore says:
This of it this way, you survived this long despite your best efforts to the contrary. The tyke will be fine.
Besides the prophecy says he won’t kill you in hand to hand combat in a bid to wrest the kingdom from your vile, despotic clutches until he’s at least in his early-twenties.
February 7, 2011 — 10:43 AM
Christopher Gronlund says:
Two words: Chimpanzee Nanny! (This is one of many reasons I don’t have a child.)
I can only imagine you being a great father. If you ever have any doubts, go back and read your post from the day you shared with us all that you are going to be a dad. You may never be the badass fix-everything-guy that your father was, but you clearly come from good stock and have a whole lotta heart. Your kiddo will be more than fine.
February 7, 2011 — 10:48 AM
Kristen Lamb says:
Relax. The little guy will love you and we never see the faults in the people we love.
Here are suggestions. You will likely have to use bottles even if ur wife breast feeds. Get the AVENT bottles. My son NEVER had colic or spit up. Also, make sure you have gotten a copy of Baby Wise so you can actually get some SLEEP. My boy was sleeping on a schedule 3 days after we started the Baby Wise method. He was only up 2X a night at predicable times. He was sleeping through the night before 3 months.
Avoid the gadgets that look cool. They are $ wasters. Diaper caddies? Pain in the butt and a waste of $100. All those extra grocery bags? Just double sack the diaper and toss. Wet wipe warmers? Great in theory but the wipes chill as soon as the air hits, so what’s the point?
Make sure you have anti-gas drops. It’s simethicone which is totally harmless, but can relieve gas on the tummy (AVENT bottles will minimize this). Also, make sure you have formula. I recommend Gentleease. Again, it’s easy on the stomach. Even if your baby is breastfeeding, you want to have some formula for backup just in case.
Other than the basics? You are just fine. Enjoy. You are going to have more fun than you ever dreamed…and it will be awesome to have a chip off the Chuck Wendig in the world. Now the world will be a far more interesting plsce :D.
February 7, 2011 — 10:55 AM
Karen Ranney says:
Keep it simple.
Less is really more.
Love solves most problems.
Honesty, as in: “Son, I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”
You can’t be as bad as some of the people parenting out there. You’re anxious and self-aware.
When I first saw my oldest son as they placed him in my arms, I didn’t think: “Oh, I love you!” I was scared to death. I knew I was going to mess up his life, or accidentally kill him. He grew up, owns his own company, and is a functioning, giving, member of society.
If I can do it, so can you.
February 7, 2011 — 11:30 AM
Shadow Freak says:
Hell, I know nothing about babies. All I know is that they cry and sleep. But I see my brother raise 3 children and my best friend raise his1 year old daughter. And one day I started thinking (this shit is still hard for me) and realized that my brother was a good father and his way to raise his children was much like how my father raised us. And my friend, he is simply himself.
And then the truth kicked me in the face: raising a child is a thing of instinct built from how YOU were raised, keeping what you think was good and what you think was bad.
Of course, when the kid becomes mutates to the teen stage he will hate you and hate everything you try to do for him. But as he reaches adulthood, he will realize that he is who he is mainly thanks to his parents.
I’m sure you’ll do great.
February 7, 2011 — 11:38 AM
Matt Forbeck says:
No one’s prepared to be a parent. It’s the single biggest change in your life since your birth. Just keep your mind open, pay attention, and love your kid, and you’ll do fine.
And get as much sleep as you can now because you’re going to go without for a long while after.
February 7, 2011 — 11:42 AM
Toni says:
Lean in and I’ll tell you a secret. I can’t have the other parents hearing this or they’ll kill me.
No one knows WTF they’re doing. No one. We all learn as we go along.
Yes, you’ll see parents here and there that appear as if they have everything planned down to the minute, never seem to be caught out in public without a massive bag of baby crap, and that look like they’ve gotten all the sleep they could possibly ever need. Those parents are planted here by aliens to make us feel inferior.
I worked at a children’s hospital for years, then a day care for another year. I felt totally prepared for parenthood and thought I was gonna rock that being a mom shit out. I was wrong.
The best advice I can give you is:
1) Don’t be too hard on yourself. The fact that you care makes you better than a lot of parents out there.
2) Pay attention to your kid. Eventually, you’ll learn what he’s trying to tell you with his cries, eyes and eventually, babbles. No one else can tell you what your kid needs because they won’t know your kid like you do.
3) Swaddle. This was the best thing we ever did. Our son started sleeping through the night in his crib at 6 weeks and it was all because of the swaddles if you ask me.
February 7, 2011 — 12:24 PM
Angela Perry says:
Everyone’s already given so much excellent advice! I’ll stick with commiserating instead.
Before I had my son, I hated children. HATED them. I thought they were whiny and snotty and poopy and mean. Their only redeeming quality in my eyes was their incredible capacity to learn anything almost instantly (which often backfired, like when they saw me operating the child-proof drawer latches). I know, I’m a girl, and I’m supposed to love kids. What a freaking ridiculous stereotype that is.
Then I had a baby. I was terrified. For a week, I was a complete basket case. My hands shook when I picked him up. Sleep was a long-lost commodity. I spent more time crying than the baby did.
But he was warm…and soft…and he made little cooing noises…and nothing smells like a clean newborn baby. And against all odds, we both survived. And *gasp* I like him. A lot. I still don’t like a lot of other people’s kids, but mine rocks.
I daresay my 11-year-old is thriving now 🙂 He’s smart and funny and handsome. And the best part is, he’s never had another mom, so I’m perfect in his eyes. (At least until he turns 13, at which point parents stop being cool on principle.)
P.S. If you don’t have them, get the books What to Expect When You’re Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. They saved my son’s life.
February 7, 2011 — 1:25 PM
terribleminds says:
This is all incredibly helpful. Thanks, peeps. You have tempered my panic so it has been reduced to a low-simmering dread. 🙂
— c.
February 7, 2011 — 2:12 PM
Deborah Donoghue says:
Hi! I’m Rob Donoghue’s wife. I have some spreadsheets and lists that may or may not be of use to you. I don’t have the right address, so if they would be handy (gear lists, hospital bag lists, picking a ped / daycare lists, etc etc etc), toss me your email at ddonoghue at sign gmail with the dot and a com.
Most of the gear list is a great pig pile of possibility. You don’t need all of it. You don’t need most of it. But knowing what the options are allows you to look at it pragmatically and say to yourself, “… /Really/?”
February 7, 2011 — 2:21 PM
Diana says:
Read every parenting advice book, magazine, and website that you can, then do what works. If all the experts say to do this not that but that works and this doesn’t, then do that which works.
Every child is different. What works for one might not work for another. With a bit of trial and error, you’ll figure it out.
February 7, 2011 — 2:35 PM
Maggie Carroll says:
The first kid is experimentation. The second kid is refinement. The third kid is perfection.
You don’t need a playpen yet. Relax.
You don’t need a high chair yet. Relax.
You don’t need a bassinet at all. Relax.
You don’t need a whole bunch of toys yet. Relax.
But you do need a car seat. Or rather, a carrier/car seat. Personally, I’ve found GRACO to be wonderful, and I’d send you Amber’s carrier (still in excellent condition), but shipping would be a nightmare. You should even get someone experienced to show you how it goes into your car. If there’s one thing you really don’t want to fuck up on, it’s stabilizing the kid’s car seat .
You should also get a diaper genie. Take it from a parent who never had one for their kids: throwing the diapers away in the house trash leads to very unpleasant smells come trash day.
February 7, 2011 — 3:01 PM
Ryan Carter says:
I am also headed towards fatherhood in April, but this is my 4th (count them, 4th) time doing this. It is still nerve wracking, but seriously, there isn’t a ton you have to know about babies except be gentle, patient, and enjoy them. Sure, you’ll need some gear, but most mothers know that stuff or have girlfriends who do. I would treat your little one somewhat like the ubiquitous wisdom of letting your characters suggest plot. They will many times tell you who they are, for example, out last daughter #3 hated the bed we had for her, and loved the stupid little furry bouncy chair, we trial and errored her on different things, but she loved that thing and slept much better in it. She also would wake up in the middle of the night and NEED a bottle or she wouldn’t sleep. This means you roll with who they are and what they are telling you they need. Too many parents get wrapped up in stupid “well the book says” cliches that help no one. You know all about Irregular Creatures, which babies certainly are. Babies suggest care just like characters suggest plot. Sit back, meditate and say “ohm ohm” (that is praying to the radio, not the Tibetan method) and let the sweet breeze of the baby’s behind suggest to what the ethereal story will be. Also, this is not a great time to give up as you will need them at times to maintain sanity. Since sanity maintenance isn’t an issue for you (apparently) you should be fine. Parenting is like learning craft, it takes time and lots of trying different things.
February 7, 2011 — 4:18 PM
Louisa Klein says:
Just do as my parents did, pretend you truly know what you’re talking about. pretend you know about life and stuff. “I’m wise, I know my stuff, I know about life” shiuld become your mantra until the baby arrives, by then you should already be pretty believable, I mean, “in the part”, as they say in theatre jargon. After all, he’s just a kid, so easy to fool. Just look like you werren’t as clueless as he is (which, of course, you are), pretend all the time, be serious and authoritative. of course a moment will come when your son will realize you made everything up but, if you’re lucky as my parents were, your sone will get this epiphany when he himself is a clueless adult. And he will forgive you, trust me. Since he will realize you’re both in the same damn boat. So you’ll be fine, trust me and… congratulations!
February 7, 2011 — 4:29 PM
Jay-Jay says:
You’re going to get frustrated with your baby, and when you do, put Junior down, close the door and go calm yourself down. Bad things happen when mommy/ daddy are angry. Once your level headed, go back to your baby and try to figure out what the hell is wrong with him (hint: If you don’t know, do it all. Changing, feeding, burping, nap time, and just straight up playing with the little tyke).
Also, take turns with your wife. Nothing gets done if both of you are tired. This baby is going to need a team effort.
Never, ever forget this one important thing. The ones who raised you. They went through it too. Ask them advice, and trust me when I say this, your parents will know way more then any book.
Oh and try to squeeze in some romantic moments with your wife before that baby is born because you are not going to get any after.
But don’t worry. It’ll be fine, and when that kid says his first word, you’ll realize that everything that lead up to that point was completely worth it.
…SUPPORT THE HEAD AND NECK. ALWAYS SUPPORT THE HEAD AND NECK!!!!
February 7, 2011 — 4:29 PM
Karin says:
Don’t worry, Chuck. You are not alone. I am expecting a baby girl in about 7 weeks and, as a woman who spent the better part of her life in a tree (as a tomboy, not just a freak), I have no idea what I’ll tell her when she asks me how to use an eyelash curler or a GHD. The mother/daughter axis of evil still seems fraught with difficulty to me, but I’m sure it’s a kind of learn on the job type position. At least I’m hoping.
Things I’ve figured out you don’t need, from anxious discussions with other mothers:
A baby bath
A baby change table
Cloth diapers (but I”m still giving them at shot by day at first. It’s my responsibility to the environment to at least try).
Things you need to start with:
A crib/bassinet & mattress
Baby wraps (for swaddling the little sucker to stop the “startle” reflex which wakes them up — if you believe in that)
Disposable nappies
A car seat (in Aus, we can hire these from the Ambulance service, which is my plan, rather than buy an expiring one).
About 10 growsuits
Prozac
Everything else can wait until later.
February 7, 2011 — 4:39 PM
Sarah dreyer says:
See? Just like all the parenting books out there, any advice you receive will surely contradict all the other advice. As someone above said, take what make sense to you. Before baby arrives, figure out a rough plan of what kind of parents you want to be. Then duck for cover. All hell will break loose when Chuck Jr arrives and you will wing it every day thereafter.
Some general thoughts on parenting, since most of the gizmo advvice has already been covered (although – babies can’t roll off the floor. You don’t *need* a changing table)
Make friends with sleeplessness and baby brain.
Don’t believe any bullpucky you might hear about “nipple confusion” – it’s just propaganda to keep you away from bottles. Babies do just fine with bottles if they’re introduced early enough (before 6 weeks) and it will save you a whole lot of hassle later on. And it doesn’t have to be formula if you don’t want (people sometimes feel strongly about these things) – expressed breastmilk is fine, and keeps longer than formula (and can be frozen). AND if you get baby bottle-feeding, it means you can help your wife out with feeding duties, thus freeing her from the feeling of being chained to the sofa for the first six months (or whatever).
ASK FOR HELP. Parenting forums can be useful too.
Always allow twice as much time as you think you will need to get baby out the door to go somewhere. They do like to fill their nappies just as you’re locking the door.
Never worry about fucking up your kids. You will. It’s 100% guaranteed. But they’ll turn out to be decent people anyway.
You will yell more than you ever thought possible. Some days (when they’re older) your kid(s) will drive you so mad it will cross your mind to put them on EBay (kidding, all you Child Protection Agencies out there. I’m just saying the little Attention Pirhanas are annoying, is all.). But they are also the most fun ever, and you will learn more than you ever thought possible too.
Try to go with your child’s nature rather than against it. Most kids are fairly easy-going, there are a few wild ones and a few shy ones, and it becomes obvious from quite early on. Keep your fingers crossed that they have a nature you can relate to (ie not shy if you’re wild, not wild if you’re shy), otherwise it will be a much bumpier ride.
I found The Baby Whisperer to be really useful for explaining what babies’ behaviours tell you when they are brand new – I can’t recommend it highly enough for those early days.
No matter how detailed the information you get from friends/family/websites/books, you will have no clue what being a parent is like until you are doing it, and by then, well, you’re doing it. One foot in front of the other, remember; you don’t run the marathon right away (which is lucky, because if new humans arrived as teenagers rather than as the helpless and fragile-looking things they are, the human race would be long extinct.).
Vaccination: YES.
One last thing: you never get to have any of it over. It’s easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day stuff, but try to remember, once in a while, to step back and think about how cute/amazing/wonderful your child(ren) is/are. They will not be 6 months/18 months/2 etc forever. (also a good way to get through the tough patches)
Enjoy! And best of luck 🙂
February 7, 2011 — 5:13 PM
Sarah Dreyer says:
Wow. That turned out really long and stroppy-sounding. Sorry!
February 7, 2011 — 5:15 PM
Jason says:
I felt the same way prior to the birth of my son, shit, i’m just a man-boy myself, WTF am I gonna do with a baby? But once you got that slippery little bastard in your hands, being a father is the most natural thing in the world.
You got this.
February 7, 2011 — 6:06 PM
Louise Curtis says:
Hi. I’m also planning (hah!) to have a baby this year.
1. Nappies – the more expensive ones DO work better, but no nappy can contain the liquid poo of the first six months (before starting on solids). You’ll be changing about 10 a day, so make sure you have a comfy place to do the changing.
2. Breastfeeding – it really takes some learning for both mum and baby (neither of whom have done it before). It gets much easier after 6 weeks, and also helps if a midwife gives the mum very specific advice on positioning etc. It gets harder if a bottle is used before the kid is used to breasts (don’t let the hospital supplement feedings!). Since I’ll be doing the breastfeeding, my partner will be the one doing bedtime (including the non-food-related wakeups) and bathtime. That way we both have a special thing that’s just ours (and I will have a significant chunk of guaranteed time away from baby each day). Once we’re using bottles as well, my partner will definitely be taking some of the night (and first thing in the morning) feedings.
3. Life – get really, really ahead on your blog and whatever else you can (this is what the nesting instinct is for). You can’t stock up on sleep, but this is the next best thing.
4. Sanity – sometimes, you need to leave the screaming baby thing alone (play loud music or get in the shower to drown it out) and take a moment for yourself. It is normal to want to throw them out the window at least once (this is not a joke) – try to treat yourself and your lady well enough that neither of you actually throws out little Chuck. You can also expect to be more absent-minded and irritable, so write things down and say no to other commitments. Also, stock up on frozen meals, and use friends/grandparents for free babysitting as much as possible. Apply for childcare NOW if you haven’t already – the waiting lists are insane.
5. When you have a baby, your body goes nuts in a good way – whether you’re the mum or the dad. Chemically, it’s very similar to falling in love.
You’ll be more than okay.
Louise Curtis
February 7, 2011 — 7:09 PM
jennifer says:
Chuck, you’re gonna be an awesome papa! All parents-to-be have these same kind of worries! =) boys are easy! I know, I have three of ’em. =)
You need about 1/10 of the baby stuff you think you need. Seriously. It took me three tries to figure that out. Here’s my must-have list:
Sling (I highly recommend a Moby wrap to start, then a soft-structured carrier when he holds his head up well.). The sling saved my sanity and calms Chomp Chomp down if he’s having a rough moment. A good diaper bag. A baby seat (so mama can take a shower if you’re not around!). And…if I were doing it over, I’d skip the bucket car seat and just get what I ended up with – a Britax Decathalon. Pricy, yes, but this thing is super-safe and extra comfy for the wee one (think reclining lounge chair). (Actually, the buckets are bad for baby – the positioning can restrict their breathing.) A port-a-crib. If mama is nursing, one of those nursing pillows.
That’s it (aside from the obvious clothes/diapers/receiving blankies/blanket sleepers).
February 7, 2011 — 7:21 PM
Danielle La Paglia says:
I’m not going to overwhelm you with shit you need to buy. You’ll figure it out. I swear. Basically, whatver is in the baby aisle at Target, you need. Trust me.
As far as parenthood goes (mother one ass-kicking eleven year old girl) the best advice I can give is don’t bullshit your way through it. Always give honest answers. Always. It doesn’t have to be explicit, but always tell the truth. Kids are expert bullshit detectors, from infancy, I swear. Just be honest and they will respect you and continue to come to you for advice.
And the second most important this is to be consistent. In bedtimes, in food schedules, in bathing schedules, in discipline, in everything. Kids are the most manipulative little bastards alive and they will find your weakness and exploit until the ends of the Earth. Don’t let them. Be brave. You are the adult even if you don’t feel like one.
Always tell the truth. Always be consistent. Your life will be so much easier. I swear to you.
February 7, 2011 — 7:27 PM
Claudia Putnam says:
Well, in the annoying tradition of fathers everywhere: you’ll be fine. That’s what they always say when it comes to kids, especially sons. Mothers hate it. But it’s true for the baby years. Really. Think of it this way. *Your kid has no idea that you don’t know what you’re doing.* This will work until he’s about eight. So you have time to bone up.
February 7, 2011 — 7:32 PM
Kristin says:
I know it’s been said, but if you hear it enough you just might start to believe it. Everything sounds much more complicated than it needs. Babies are scary, but you’ll do just fine. You must have a car seat or they won’t let you take the baby home. It doesn’t matter what kind, but yes, the ones that snap into strollers are very convenient. Bottles if he’ll be formula fed, a pump and some storage baggies if he’ll be breast fed. Boppies are nice, but not required for either type of feeding. Don’t buy a lot of diapers until you know how big he’ll be. We bought most clothes in 3 mos and up just to be safe. They don’t stay tiny long! Burping cloths are essential – and lots of them. Other than that, everything else is personal preference. I loved the little bouncer that sat on the floor. They are highly portable and somewhere safe to set the kiddo when you need free hands. The Baby Whisperer book was awesome. Lots of good ideas.
My son is two now, and I’ve started to wonder (mostly when watching movies about teenage angst) how badly we’ll mess him up before it’s over. What kind of teenager will he be? How many ways will we embarrass him? Then I laugh and shrug and feel woefully inadequate. All you can do is try your best every day.
Good luck!
February 7, 2011 — 7:45 PM
Susan S says:
My advice: YOU CANNOT HAVE TOO MANY BURP RAGS. For the record, a “burp rag” is something you put on your shoulder (see also “cloth diaper,” “dishtowel,” “spouse’s shirt”) over your clothes to absorb the inevitable spitup that babies produce at a 5:1 ratio to the liquids they ingest. It does not matter that junior hasn’t eaten in five days. The minute you put him on your shoulder, he will puke up something that smells like it came from the inside of a whale that’s been decomposing on the beach for seven weeks in 105 degree heat.
Trust me.
They sell “burp rags” or “spitup cloths” at baby stores, but they’re generally about the size of a paper napkin and about as absorbent. My advice: go find some really soft dishcloths and buy at least 15 (That’s 5 a day, laundry every third day. Your needs may vary.). Make sure they’re soft so they don’t scratch the baby’s face, but seriously, you need these.
As a side note: when my son was 3 months old I actually had someone in the market ask me if I had a baby recently. The baby wasn’t with me. I was confused until the woman pointed to the burp rag still slung over my shoulder and said “I used to go out like that too, sometimes.”
Nice.
Burp rags. A necessity most people won’t mention.
February 7, 2011 — 7:50 PM
Patrick Alan says:
You know what’s fun? When they are turning nine and you can see how much you HAVE screwed up. ‘Cause you can also see all the things you have accidentally done right.
Here’s my best advice
It’s ok to drive home at a normal speed from the hospital. His head will not fly off when you turn out of the hospital. Or at the first traffic light. At least my kid’s head didn’t.
The first year you will spend comparing your child to ‘What to Expect The First Year” and believe your boy is the smartest baby ever when he rolls over 2 months before you can expect it. Then when he cries because he can’t reach the ball on the other side of the ottoman and it never occurs to him to go around, you’ll feel the exact opposite.
Children like to be upside down. It makes them laugh. Falling also does this. This is a dad’s method for handling crying that does not appear to be diaper related.
It works on older kids as well, except they get heavier. For example, an eight year old who has lost Nintendo DS privileges. Sure, they will try to remain upset, but they are upside down and you are laughing at them. I suspect the teen years are going to really test my parenting skills.
Other parents will look at you strange when holding your crying child upside down. Their kids whine and cry too much.
It does not get less confusing. Wanting to be a good parent is half the battle.
Oh, and don’t listen to anyone. Do it your way. It’s your kid. No license required.
February 7, 2011 — 8:08 PM