The Great Ewok Defense of 2017

Twitter being Twitter means it’s an excellent place to rant about all sorts of things: politics and food and life and children and oh yeah also Ewoks. I found it randomly vital to leap to an impassioned, if sudden, defense of Ewoks yesterday, and I’ve gone ahead and Storified the shit out of it. Please to enjoy. Or despise it, I don’t care, it’s your life, man.

13 comments

  • You know, I’ve always liked them. I saw Jedi first-run in the theater, and I was legitimately surprised at all the hate people spewed.

    Maybe because I’m short, and people were always like “awww, so cute” and would actually PAT ME ON THE HEAD AS AN ADULT, and doctors treat me like they’re my dad (even now when they’re 20 yrs younger), and it made me mean. Oh yes, underestimate me again, motherfucker, I will totally use that to my advantage, especially in a corporate setting. I may not actually eat you, but I don’t 100% hate the idea.

  • They should be called Endorians. EWOK!! is just the confused mouth gibber that comes out when you see one and your brain is so focused on trying to run the hell of the surface of the planet that you can’t speak coherently. Even if you could, by the time you got Endorians!!! out, you’re already on the business end of a BBQ pit

    It’s a universal response, so everyone know what you’re talking about when you say Ewok.

    The whole planet should have a warning hologram surrounding it.

  • This is awesome. I knew there was a reason I could never trust those ewoks. The fact that they eat their enemies, or anyone they catch in a trap shows just how many fucks they give when it comes to being hungry.

  • April 6, 2017 at 12:03 PM // Reply

    I will agree with you that ewoks are awesome and frightening. The more you focus on them and really look at them, the more frightening they become.

    HOWEVER…

    I feel like Lucas/Spielberg did them no favors whatsoever. In the big battle sequence in particular, they chose several shots to “cute them up”. Maybe as an attempt to tone down the horror of the battle, maybe as an attempt to increase the merchandising. (Did that even work? I don’t remember a bunch of kids with ewok toys. I do remember a lot of kids with jawa toys.) And that battle was the culmination of a long slide from “only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise” to “dudes get pwned by teddy bears with sticks”. The stormtroopers were so pathetic that it does not make the ewok victory impressive.

  • I’ve never minded the Ewoks. My issue with ROTJ — and I say this as a die-hard fan of the original trilogy; I can happily talk about the movies all day — is the script and the directing. There are many places where the dialogue and/or acting seems forced, and I’m inclined to blame the director for the latter, as I know the actors can give better, more consistent performances than they did in here.

  • Ewok #1: “Eek chop nub wu tut won.”
    Ewok #2: “Ub wen tut wu bik? Sam bib quaddle blop vu.”

    {{Translation follows.}}
    Ewok #1: “Whatever that is, it smells delicious.”
    Ewok #2: “You like that smell? It’s the delicate scent of roasting midichlorians.”

  • Anyone who thinks Ewoks are cute furry fluff-bundles who are just there to ride speeders for comic effect needs to be reminded that these are basically eighty- to one-hundred-ten-pound raccoons. With thumbs. YEAH they’re gonna put the hurt on some stormtroopers, duh.

  • June 10, 2017 at 12:03 AM // Reply

    First: I totally agree with this! The “cute” look of the Ewoks paired with the dark truth about them actually makes them creepier. And the song translation was hilarious, but Yub Nub means “freedom”

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