The Tiny House Hunters Drinking Game! (Tiny Living, Big Drinking!)


TINYHOUSEHUNTERS

ICYMI, I manifested the true power of the Internet and wrote an “open letter” to the intrepid reality stars of Tiny House Hunters, and I have only fallen deeper down the rabbit hole on this show since. I just can’t quit this shit, especially now that I found past episodes on Netflix.

And I thought, hey, if you really wanted to get just tore up, if you wanted to lubricate your soul with flagons of liquor, then you should turn Tiny House Hunters into a drinking game.

(There’s already one for regular ol’ House Hunters, by the by.)

First up, though, you’re gonna need some dranks.

I recommend the Tiny House Iced Tea, which is:

– 1 oz white rum

– 1 oz dark rum

– 1 oz vodka

– 1 oz ginger beer

– 1 oz triple-sec

– 3 oz Coca-Cola

Then pour it all into a 1.5 oz shot glass.

Most of it won’t fit, so you’ll have to slurp the rest off the table and floor with a straw.

Then when you’re proper crunk, barf it up into a composting toilet, and let one of the three dogs you keep in your tiny house drink from the dung bucket in sloppy, claustrophobic misery.

Or, you know, you could just drink hella wine. You do you.

And now, onto the drinking game.

The Rules

When you witness any of these shenanigans on the show, take a drink.

– Whenever someone says, as if totally fucking shocked they’re in a tiny house, “It’s really small.” Variations include: “It’s cramped,” or ironically, “It’s really tiny?”

– Someone bonks their dumb head

– They say they wanna: “simplify,” “downsize,” “save the environment,” or “travel”

– When they end up parking their tiny house on the lawn of some incredulous family member

– “It’s a great starter home,” they say, as if not realizing it’s not so much a home as it is a car, and unlike a house, that motherfucker is going to sink in value like a brick in a lake soon as the tiny house trend-bubble goes ‘pop’

– There is a toilet inside the shower

– The toilet is a composting toilet

– Take two drinks if there’s just a fucking spooky old outhouse

– No sink in the bathroom

– “Where’s the closet?” (answer: this house is a closet)

– Someone wonders where all the appliances are, or asks for a specific appliance (“I need a full-size fridge, a washer and dryer, and a walk-in freezer to store my racks of bison meat.”)

– They see a dorm fridge and stare at it like it’s a cancerous sore

– They ask for something entirely unreasonable for a tiny house, as if this is an episode of MTV’s Cribs and not jerks taking a tour of a 150 square-foot lawnmower shed (“I need an office,” or, “Where is the four-car garage?” or “Where will I keep and train my two Bengal tigers?”)

– For every child, take one drink

– For every pet, take one drink

– If the children or pets look extra-horrified, like they’re imagining being forced to live in an airless and oppressive cubby-hole like a bunch of trapped miners, take an extra drink

– One of the tiny house hunters cannot get down the ladder leading to and from their spacious funerary box SORRY I MEAN “bedroom loft”

– When they figure out that they’re going to have to use that library ladder whenever they get up at night to pee, and that they’re probably just going to pee the bed or try to stunt-piss and aim for the sink — which is doable, because really, it’s right down there

– When someone realizes that the loft bed is basically a chest-crushing, sarcophagal sex-free frottage zone and as soon as you put anything beefier than a ratty blanket up there you’re going to break your nose on the ceiling and then smother to death

– “I was hoping for steps,” because sure, that’s reasonable, why not also wish for a talking pony

– When one of the tiny house hunters is a really tall or wide person and they look like a giant stomping through a child’s playhouse and yet, they still wanna live here I guess

– The real estate agent looks at the camera as if she’s Jim from The Office

– Curtains instead of doors

– Someone says, “There’s no privacy in here,” as if they expect this birdhouse to have a quiet Zen garden or a personal sensory deprivation chamber

– Someone contorts themselves into an improbable and painful human knot trying to prove to everyone that sure, yeah, no, we can totally use this space as a living room or an office or whatever and no ha ha ha I don’t have a leg cramp right now

– HIPSTERS SPOTTED

– When one member of a couple looks like a hostage (“I don’t want to live here, Maureen” “OH WE’RE FUCKING LIVING IN THIS SHIPPING CRATE, BILL, YOU CAN BE SURE OF THAT”)

– Someone says the word “cottage”

– We all collectively realize the house is smaller than the pit Buffalo Bill used for his victims (“IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET oh wait we don’t have room for lotions or baskets”)

– You realize you hate these people

– Finish the bottle when you wonder why you’re even watching this show

– Grab another because you just can’t quit AND LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES LOOK AT YOUR LIFE


37 responses to “The Tiny House Hunters Drinking Game! (Tiny Living, Big Drinking!)”

  1. I am far more entertained by your commentary on the tiny house hunting than I ever would be by the actual show. I think I’ll just stay here and imbibe. *clink

  2. Do you think it’s all staged? I realize most reality shows are nowadays. But I wonder about this one. Maybe if there was a hipster shortage. But currently there is no hipster shortage.

    • All reality shows have writers. They always have. Every episode is constructed, yes. Staged as in fake? The producers choose families who are going to give them “good television,” which generally means a melt down or sullen teenagers or a garage full of kayaking/ski equipment they’ll have to bury under the floor. But at least it really is their stuff or their kids or their meltdown. And sometimes it means a couple who own an enormous mansion for whom 8,000 square feet *is* a tiny house. And they can impose an apparently impossible deadline so the team looks good by pulling off a miraculous feat of engineering and building the whole thing in a weekend, complete with pool table. So staged, yeah. But hey, reality is subjective, right?

    • I had family on my wife’s side take part in a (non-tiny) house-hunting show on the same channel. The house they bought? The lovely house they’d been living in for a number of years.

      The show had them move all their stuff into storage for a few days and then they shot the footage they needed.

  3. Because of your last post , I watched the Netflix episodes. And NOPE. All I could think of is if sleeping in that tiny loft and there’s a fire in that tiny house, hello, you sleeping on your own funeral pyre. Because seriously, are you gonna crawl out that cute tiny window? Some of those places are so small that if anfire starts, you’re already brisket by the time a smoke detector goes off. If you can fit a smoke detector in there.

  4. Isn’t it wonderful, though? Damn, but those people are warped! Somebody should just yank it off the air! It isn’t worth watching! Did you even SEE last night’s episode?

  5. I soo needed this today. I’ve never watched the show, but do have a tiny houses board on Pinterest. The difference is I *know* it’s a fantasy. I couldn’t fit my dishes in one, much less my books, my computers, my three cats, the dog and the 6’6″ fiance.

    Now, as a writing shed parked in the back yard, though…hey, I can dream…

  6. I was perfectly happy with the odd House Hunters oeuvre ep I managed to catch during my biennial visits to Michigan. Then I read your previous post. Then I saw Tiny House Hunters on Netflix and thought, “Oh, what’s the harm.” Then I finished off all five eps, plus the International eps, and am now working through the OG eps on Netflix. And all I want is more even though I hate myself for every moment of it.

    Thanks? 🙂

  7. Do I sense resentments? Is there such a place in the grand reality series of attention and martyrdom? I join you and lift my glass in honor of the search. I’ll purge my laundry room of the pod detergent that takes too much room as I hide the trundle bed where the oven should go. I turn off my autocorrect as editing takes too much room for my stories to bloom at bedtime. A toast, good sir, to the honor you bestow upon your lackluster fans as we drool in waiting for your next post.

  8. Have you watched the Tiny House Builder (also on Netflix)? It is basically the same except they build the teeny tiny houses and then reveal them to the people. It is a drug. A wonderful drug. (Thankfully not many episodes because I’d still be staring, watching them.)

  9. I’d suggest another drink for “We’ll be spending most of our time outside anyway,” when they live in Minnesota, Arizona or some other place where “outside” is impossible for most of the year.

  10. The episodes that boggle me are the ones with couples where one really really doesn’t want to live in a Tiny House, yet is going along with it. Like agreeing to live in a glorified chicken coop (chickens optional) is just the sort of thing you do when you’re in love. I would love to see a follow-up five years from now, just to see how many of these couples are still married. Or alive.

  11. I am dying from laughter over here. I haven’t watched much of it, but I am consistently annoyed with the people who are so perky and happy about starting the search and then are so shocked by how small it is. You are LITERALLY looking for a tiny house. What did you expect?

  12. So I’m reading your post, laughing and coughing as the tears run down my face, and my daughter comes to see whether I’m dying. I gesture helplessly at the post, and she starts reading over my shoulder and laughing, too.

    But when she gets to

    – HIPSTERS SPOTTED

    — which I said clearly comes with a WHOOP WHOOP warning sound, she said:

    “eh. If you’re watching this show and wondering where the hipsters are, just look down, and Behold! a hipster there’ll be.”

    Welp, She’s not wrong. If you’re watching, YOU ARE THE HIPSTER.

  13. I’m still giggling over this. The guffawing finally ended with a much-needed cough.

    I love the concept of tiny houses, and yet the application has always felt off. Because of the sleeping loft, among other things. And then, this morning, I found it. The ideal tiny home for me.

    Her name is Bohemian Princess and she’s described as “half home-on-wheels and half elegant yacht.” Check her out: http://www.maineboats.com/print/issue-137/bohemian-princess (Better yet, someone please buy her for me. 😉 Half kidding.)

  14. So god damned funny I love it! 30 minutes of this show and you are guaranteed a blackout drunk.

    “One minute I was enjoying a game with some friends in front of the television, the next thing I remember I’m stark naked in an alley dragging my tv by the power chord with what appears to be ring dings smeared all over it.’

    I assume that’s how every game ends…

  15. Good gracious, I want the Bohemian Princess too.

    Really must see if I can find any Tiny House Hunters episodes to watch. Was hoping to catch one when we were on vacation (with cable) but it conflicted with Dancing with the Stars. We haz priorities.

  16. Thank you for continuously entertaining us with your tiny house hunters rants and games! If anybody reading this is crazy enough to want to go tiny, please let me know! I’m a Casting Producer for the show, and I’d love the opportunity to try and get you on your very own episode when and if you are serious!

  17. This makes me feel so much better about the time I spent watching Dance Moms. I mean, yes, it was terrible people shouting at small children about how to do splits to 80s pop in absurd sequined costumes, but at least no one was being forced to live in a place where the toilet is in the shower, y’know?

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