Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
smithk654 says:
The night we met? It was dark and stormy, of course.
September 17, 2015 — 7:50 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
Nice way to spotlight the cliche and make it cool again.
September 18, 2015 — 12:53 PM
InkHopp says:
This is cute, I’d read on! The main character sounds sassy<3
November 4, 2015 — 11:48 PM
Maha717 says:
WIP 1: Some cuts are just too deep for show and tell.
WIP 2: He was an innocent man, but its funny how innocence and manhood never go hand in hand.
September 17, 2015 — 11:51 AM
kirizar says:
I really like the opaqueness of the first WIP opener. I liked them both, but the first one makes your brain stop and go ‘hunh?’ what does that mean? Why did they say that? I must read more to find out.
September 17, 2015 — 4:35 PM
Maha717 says:
I am really glad that you liked it. I was going for a story based on some personal experiences but I didn’t want to just tell it I wanted the characters to peel the events off one layer at a time so each character’s part opens with a statement saying more about them than the story. 🙂
(Honestly I am still tyrina figure where the hell I am going with characters these strong…I am supposed to walk them in my plot but they are dragging me by the throat down curve balls I never saw coming.)
September 18, 2015 — 11:56 AM
kirizar says:
That’s what the rascals do–take you on side routes and flights of fancy until you look down at the page and wonder “What the hell just happened?” I like to tell myself that is a good thing.
September 19, 2015 — 3:51 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Like.
The first, more than the second.
September 21, 2015 — 8:07 AM
InkHopp says:
The first WIP lures me in with thousands of questions. What cuts are too deep that not even words can describe them? What happened to the mc? And already, the mc feels relateable to me with that first sentence.
November 4, 2015 — 11:50 PM
T Hammond says:
This is fun, so I thought I’d share the opening for my second book in the Posse trilogy, Posse: The Dragon Gods.
Covered in blood, wings shattered, another dragon fell from the sky.
September 17, 2015 — 12:12 PM
JT Lawrence says:
I would rewrite ‘covered in blood’ — a bit of a cliché? I like the rest.
September 21, 2015 — 8:06 AM
T Hammond says:
I considered “Drenched in blood…” but I thought it was too gory. I’ll consider alternatives– Thanks. –T
September 21, 2015 — 12:40 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Perhaps “Blood spattered, wings shattered, another dragon fell from the sky” — if you like a sort of rhyming alliteration.
September 21, 2015 — 2:22 PM
T Hammond says:
Most awesome! I love the flow of the sentence like this. Thank you so much for the suggestion.
September 21, 2015 — 5:38 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
🙂
September 23, 2015 — 11:43 AM
InkHopp says:
I like the idea of: “Wings shattered, another dragon fell from the sky.”
November 4, 2015 — 11:51 PM
InkHopp says:
take my last comment back. Someone posted an awesome suggestion that made it flow way better “Blood spattered, wings shattered, another dragon fell from the sky.”
GO. WITH. THAT!!!!!!
November 4, 2015 — 11:52 PM
S KANE says:
My childhood is of no importance.
September 17, 2015 — 3:33 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
A very interesting way to begin…
September 21, 2015 — 2:24 PM
Nahum Scribe says:
“Though asked for only one sentence, Ernest vomited his life into the comment box.” [wicked grin]
September 17, 2015 — 3:36 PM
ryanjamesblack says:
Better late than never….
Even before her fist connected with the boy’s crooked nose, crunching bone and bursting mucus, Fiona regretted punching him.
September 17, 2015 — 4:07 PM
addy says:
good detail. sounds gruesome and shocking.
September 18, 2015 — 6:07 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I’m strangely drawn to this scene.
September 21, 2015 — 8:05 AM
InkHopp says:
I like it, but I suggest shortening it just slightly. Maybe: “Even before her first connected with the boy’s crooked nose and crunched bone, Fiona regretted punching him.”
November 4, 2015 — 11:54 PM
InkHopp says:
Typo in my last comment: I like it, but I suggest shortening it just slightly. Maybe: “Even before her first connected with the boy’s crooked nose, crunching bone, Fiona regretted punching him.”
November 4, 2015 — 11:55 PM
Brian Dodge says:
They came in a lull, green flares winking across the gables of Urbanx Centre.
September 17, 2015 — 4:11 PM
J. Cormier says:
That Keynish Helg was several days dead was perfectly obvious to Constable Abney up until the moment the doktor started talking.
September 17, 2015 — 9:13 PM
JT Lawrence says:
This is funny and interesting. I would read on.
September 21, 2015 — 8:04 AM
Stef Michelle says:
WIP- “It felt as though daggers were cutting deep into his side as he attempted to breath deeply.”
September 18, 2015 — 12:32 AM
JT Lawrence says:
My initial reaction to this is: why should we care? Who is he? What does he want? I don’t care about the daggers until I care about the man.
September 21, 2015 — 8:04 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
This might be better as a second, third, or subsequent sentence. I’d rather have some insight into what he’s running from [or whatever it is that is causing him to breathe (don’t forget the “e”) deeply].
September 21, 2015 — 2:27 PM
Nicholas James West (@nicholasofpain) says:
The men that were before men were led by a woman.
September 18, 2015 — 4:04 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I love this.
September 21, 2015 — 8:03 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I would delete “that were” to make a much cleaner and sharper sentence.
September 23, 2015 — 11:42 AM
Kevin Callum says:
Disneyland can actually suck.
September 18, 2015 — 10:55 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
It’s funny because it’s true. Disneyland blows fat donkey cocks. Especially when you have to naviate herds of the morbidly obese that insist on walking side by side in groups of four, while pushing quad strollers of their fat children that really should be walking by now.
September 18, 2015 — 12:55 PM
Marco Cultrera says:
Waves upon waves of anger, frustration and rage relentlessly pummeled Peter’s brain.
September 18, 2015 — 11:53 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I would try to show this instead of tell. What do these emotions cause him to do?
September 21, 2015 — 8:02 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Probably better to start with what’s making him so upset, rather than describing his distress. At this point, no one yet cares why he’s angry.
September 21, 2015 — 2:29 PM
InkHopp says:
He was known as the Messenger. Angelos. Fravashi. Blessed Being. Spirit of Light. Guardian of Orphic souls. At least that’s what the Orphics titled him. If only they knew.
September 18, 2015 — 12:57 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Too many titles, when the only one that seems to matter here is what the Orphics called him. I’d jump right in with that: “He was called the Guardian of Orphic Souls. If only they knew.” … or something similar.
September 21, 2015 — 2:32 PM
InkHopp says:
Thank you so much<3 Sorry for such a late response!
November 4, 2015 — 11:56 PM
amdawds says:
They call them mages because it sounds nicer than mutants.
September 18, 2015 — 7:12 PM
Ivory Kelly says:
This sounds interesting! I’d read the book. Just curious, is it about a civil war?
September 19, 2015 — 8:43 AM
Desiree says:
I hear footsteps behind me.
September 18, 2015 — 9:28 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
By beginning with “I hea,” you’ve put the reader at a distance. Try putting them right in the action: “The footsteps behind me quickened, along with my pulse” … let the reader feel what the narrator is feeling.
September 21, 2015 — 2:34 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
oops… *hear*
September 21, 2015 — 2:34 PM
livsimone says:
The early morning sun was bright on the flat of Siri’s sword, though it did nothing to warm the chilly autumn air.
September 18, 2015 — 10:23 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Nicely done, but it feels like a second or third sentence to me, not an opener. Unless the second sentence breaks the serenity of the early morning. In which case. carry on. 😉
September 21, 2015 — 2:35 PM
j.k.miles says:
There are things that go bump in the night. I should know; I’m one of them.
September 18, 2015 — 10:25 PM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this.
September 21, 2015 — 8:01 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Really terrific opener. 🙂
September 21, 2015 — 2:36 PM
bluestowl says:
I know which sentence I’m picking… 😀
September 21, 2015 — 8:29 PM
InkHopp says:
I.LOVE.THIS. It sounds quirky and cute, but could turn dark so fast. Would read on!!!!!!
November 4, 2015 — 11:57 PM
Ivory Kelly says:
Sometimes, Rovina would lean against his headstone and watch the world pass her by.
September 19, 2015 — 8:41 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I want Rovina doing more than that. She’s thinking, feeling, experiencing something. Let the reader in.
September 21, 2015 — 2:37 PM
Ivory Kelly says:
Rovina understands that it wasn’t considered proper for a lady to visit the grave of a boy who wasn’t family – wasn’t even a friend, truly, but was it simply too much to ask for that they leave her to grieve in peace?
~ Is this better?
September 24, 2015 — 12:25 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I think shorter is better. Example: “Rovina leaned against his headstone, trying to ignore the eyes watching her from the tree line.” A sentence like this tells us where she is (cemetery), what she’s doing (visiting a grave), and what’s making her uncomfortable (the stares). An opening like this can help set up your story. (Your actual situation may not entail any staring at all; the point is to show she’s not being left to “grieve in peace,” rather than say it outright.)
September 24, 2015 — 1:24 AM
Ivory Kelly says:
Thanks for the suggestion!
September 25, 2015 — 11:48 PM
Hannah says:
The hallway never changes.
September 19, 2015 — 1:23 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I want to know more about that hallway, but not in a subsequent sentence. This is a sentence just crying out for some details.
September 21, 2015 — 2:38 PM
InkHopp says:
I like it as a start, but I agree with Rooney that it needs more detail.
November 4, 2015 — 11:58 PM
J. S. Elliot says:
It was never good when he was late.
September 19, 2015 — 7:04 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
What a terrific way to open!
September 24, 2015 — 1:25 AM
dcXLI says:
Heavy snow swirled around Alor as he stood his watch. He wore a heavy woolen cloak over heavier steel plate, but the wind still chilled him to the bone.
September 19, 2015 — 11:46 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Perhaps you could replace “stood his watch” with some action + the reason for the action or what he’s thinking/experiencing as he’s doing the action. For example, he may be marching back and forth on the castle wall, her final words echoing in his head with every step. What he’s wearing — if it’s desirable or necessary to note it — can be described in a subsequent sentence or paragraph.
September 24, 2015 — 1:48 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thanks!
September 20, 2015 — 2:05 AM
JT Lawrence says:
No one appreciated the irony of her situation more than Raven Kane.
September 20, 2015 — 2:31 AM
JT Lawrence says:
*crickets*
September 23, 2015 — 2:48 PM
JT Lawrence says:
*tumbleweed rolls by*
September 23, 2015 — 2:48 PM
MadtotheVod says:
Its not that its bad, it has potential but maybe needs something slightly more grabbing? Guess it all depends on what the second sentence says. What is the second sentence?
September 23, 2015 — 3:15 PM
JT Lawrence says:
No one appreciated the irony of her situation more than Raven Kane. She would laugh, if it was remotely funny, which it certainly wasn’t at 3 in the morning when she was lying, freezing, in a strange hotel bathtub.
September 23, 2015 — 3:36 PM
MadtotheVod says:
Ok, the lastest sentence is intriguing. Maye start with that or work it in faster.
if it is considered funny to be lying, freezing, in a hotel bathtub at 3am, Raven is not seeing the joke. (Not that but something like that?)
Maybe dont use the characters full name in the first sentence. I dont know why thats off-putting but it is.
September 23, 2015 — 3:42 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Thank you, I really appreciate the feedback!
September 24, 2015 — 1:15 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
You might consider starting it with something like this: “Waking up freezing in a strange hotel bathtub at 3 in the morning wouldn’t have been so surprising, except that Raven (insert ironic element here).”
September 24, 2015 — 1:38 AM
Zenit says:
So, I have two of them:
WIP1: Dark was the night, cold was the ground and quiet were our feet, when we first ran away.
WIP2: All his life Dean had never been ashamed of who, or what, he was. But he had never been proud of it ether.
September 20, 2015 — 2:40 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
WIP1: Because of the sentence structure, I would rather it ended with “…when first we ran away.” The whole sentence up to that point sounds like we’re in an earlier time period, and, if so, play it through.
WIP2: Intriguing start.
September 21, 2015 — 2:46 PM
Gayle Groff Loggins says:
My eyes dart to the Tiffany lamp, the two walls with closed, thick, floral drapes, and settle on an obese man in an overstuffed chair.
September 20, 2015 — 1:46 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
i feel like you’ve “buried the lede,” as they say in the newspaper biz, because the important thing in this scene is the man. But more important are the structural issues. The eyes “dart” to the lamp, don’t do anything with the two walls and drapes, and then “settle” on the man. See the incongruity of the sentence structure there? I would also cut the adjectives around “drapes” to one that matters most.
September 21, 2015 — 2:55 PM
CaseinMicelles says:
She didn’t know how he’d found her, but that was not her first frustration.
September 20, 2015 — 7:42 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Oh, I DO like this!
September 21, 2015 — 2:55 PM
Philly Ricketts says:
Not for the first time, I wonder how this man standing in front of me could be my brother.
September 21, 2015 — 8:53 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
What a great set-up to the sibling relationship. Nice.
September 21, 2015 — 2:56 PM
Richard says:
“Sources close to ISIS release a statement claiming
that within days they will have access to a Weapon of Mass
Destruction”
September 21, 2015 — 10:31 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
This sounds like a newscast — and if it is, that’s fine, as long as it’s followed up with something unexpected. (ex: The spoon clattered from her hand, splashing tea in her mother’s lap. Her brother’s disapproval bloomed in his still-smooth and hairless cheeks like a sudden fever.)
Otherwise, I wouldn’t start with this kind of recitation of information.
September 21, 2015 — 3:05 PM
Richard says:
indeed I was opening with a newscast of an attack to set the scene for what is to come. I had the opening of Crimson Tide the movie in mind when I wrote it but now I might lead off with my undisciplined agent. The story is based on a race between Isis and my agent to find an ancient weapon and so on. Thanks LCR
September 21, 2015 — 4:59 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Nice! 🙂
September 23, 2015 — 11:36 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I’d spent the week battling sleazy real estate agents, cantankerous attorneys, and a ninety-two-year-old woman who was, so far, refusing to vacate the house she had sold me. If Chris Fiorelli thought a phone call from the police station was going to interrupt Five-Dollar Margarita Night at The Cantina, well, he didn’t know jack.
September 21, 2015 — 1:51 PM
@C_N_Martin says:
I like it. It smells of a man about to go postal, and that’s always fun.
September 21, 2015 — 5:29 PM
otterpoet says:
Tap, tap, tapping at my chamber window.
Fuck you Raven, quoth me.
September 21, 2015 — 3:14 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Hahaha! Well, if that doesn’t make you want to continue reading, what will?
September 23, 2015 — 11:38 AM
bluestowl says:
“Sorry, he’s not here right now,” I lied into the cellphone, knowing full Marcus’s crooked figure was still in the other room, sitting on my best stuffed chair, looking out the window with blank eyes.
September 21, 2015 — 8:26 PM
bluestowl says:
The rest of the paragraph is: I stared into the kitchen tiles, thinking of the color of his skin (an unhealthy tone of blue) and the thin line of sweat beading his upper lip. He had started shaking recently, the bite on his right leg foaming, an ugly yellow color. He was still in the early phases.
September 21, 2015 — 8:27 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
The first sentence seems a bit long for what it’s describing. But the full paragraph sets forth a very compelling premise, and I would be eagerly gobbling up the next paragraph and the next. For the record, I don’t know that I’ve ever judged a book by its first sentence anyway. For me, the first paragraph is much more telling.
September 23, 2015 — 11:32 AM
guydreaminglife says:
“The SA metro train steamed along its carefully carved path through the rain.” I was a much younger writer when I wrote that. I’m going to change it in the editing.
September 23, 2015 — 5:39 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I almost want something added to the end, like “…barreling toward ______,” or some such. Just knowing the train is going along without some foreshadowing of what’s to come is much less compelling to me as a reader.
September 23, 2015 — 11:34 AM
Mae says:
What do you plan on changing it to? I’m curious.
September 23, 2015 — 11:37 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
I’m not feeling it. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, but it doesn’t do anything to give me that opening line boner.
September 23, 2015 — 11:49 AM
Mae says:
“Golden beams of light emerged from the vast watercolor sky, and fell upon a girl’s flowing locks of platinum hair.”
September 23, 2015 — 11:10 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
Is that someone speaking?
If not, purple is thy prose.
September 23, 2015 — 3:31 PM
Michelle Wood says:
I’ve been preparing for this phone call for eighteen years.
September 27, 2015 — 12:27 AM
C_Killoran says:
“How this fucking moron thief wannabe had managed to completely eviscerate every potential plan she had and send an army of mercenaries after her tail, she didn’t know.”
September 27, 2015 — 3:10 AM
Steph says:
I already love this narrator’s/character’s voice
September 28, 2015 — 4:47 AM
C_Killoran says:
Ahahaha thanks, she’s a bit of a pessimistic tough ass. Long story short, she’s a very, very successful thief and what starts the story is… well. I think it’s already been summed up, haha.
September 28, 2015 — 11:49 PM
Mr Hall says:
I love the jump in vocabulary from “fucking moron thief wannabe” to “eviscerate”, makes me think of a well educated person who hangs around in a *less* educated field.
September 30, 2015 — 10:07 AM
Steph says:
Wow I’m late.
That’s okay, no one will read this and it’ll just fade away into oblivion.
WIP: If my head is disembodied and then speared somewhere ‘all will see’, I hope to god the stench will be so putrid Edna’s baby will suffocate to death and Alastair’s eyes clawed out by feasting vultures.
September 27, 2015 — 3:25 AM
Elly Conley says:
That’s so hilarious I’m not even sure if it’s as awesome as I think it is.
September 27, 2015 — 2:42 PM
Steph says:
thanks!
Does everything after the word “Alastair’s” make sense to you? I didnt want to say “Alastair’s eyes will be clawed out by feasting vulltures”
The “will be” kinda ruins the flow.
September 28, 2015 — 4:44 AM
Elly Conley says:
It “makes sense” in that I know what you’re trying to say, but it’s not clear why someone’s eyes would be clawed out—seems like the vultures would be focused on the head? But I would definitely read on. The one thing I’d change is “disembodied.” Sounds too passive.
September 28, 2015 — 8:05 AM
youforgotthepotato says:
Yeah, I left it at “suffocate to death” in the rewrite. Trying to think of another word to use in place of “disembodied”
September 29, 2015 — 8:49 PM
Elly Conley says:
perhaps something like, “If my head were cleaved from my body…” or something
September 29, 2015 — 9:33 PM
Phantom says:
I’m a little late to the game but here it is…
WIP: The air was filled with dust, and her hands covered in blisters from the broom.
September 29, 2015 — 11:35 PM
Mr Hall says:
Heres two of my WIPs, ive been working on-off-and-on-again for some time. Althogh the protagonist is the same person, they are of parralel universes (part of a larger [planned] sereis)
WIP 1 – The Count’s creased eyes twitched; he had aged much quicker than that of a normal man, everyone had.
WIP 2 – “The Count” slowly took off his helmet, scratched his head through his matted black hair and felt his head swell in the heat of the Chemstrian jungle.
September 30, 2015 — 9:11 AM
InkHopp says:
I’d love to hear some feedback and what questions this arises for you!
“You don’t go out at night in the Boglands unless you have a death wish.
I am out at night.”
November 4, 2015 — 11:43 PM
L.C. Rooney says:
The questions that came to me include: (1) Has the narrator outwitted superstitions before? (2) Is s/he the death-bringer? (3) Is s/he on a mission for which death is not too high a price to pay?
November 5, 2015 — 11:03 AM
amentithewriter says:
I sit on my bathroom floor head laying back on the wall, and arms resting on my knees. My girl Tariiqa is slinder with southern curves as you look down to her waist line. Buried in her phone, in a world called Instagram.
November 12, 2015 — 7:07 PM
C. Jensen says:
No. Your physical description completely jars the flow of the line, and the opener itself is dull. Where’s the hook? Why would I want to buy this book if I stumbled across this in a bookstore?
And proofread your things before you post them, it looks sloppy.
November 13, 2015 — 10:26 AM