Star Wars Aftermath — My Spoilers And Yours

Holy shit, it’s out!

It’s midnight.

It’s Force Friday.

Which means…

The first of the Aftermath trilogy lands on bookshelves (and ideally into your little robot hands) today. It’s been awesome writing this book and getting it out into the world. I think it’s going to be a book people either love or hate — you know, it’s a book with a heaping helping of HOT EXPECTATION GRAVY slathered over its many pages, so, any time that happens you run the risk of the hype becoming a monster to which the book could never really compare. But this is the book that lived inside my head and it’s what fell out when I turned my head upside down.

I recognize that a lot of people are likely going to read the book with an eye toward spoilers — this is a book that offers up the first tentative steps on the narrative bridge toward The Force Awakens, and so PLOT HUNTERS are going to be combing through the sand and dust of this story, hoping to come away with a few gems of shiny What-May-Come.

So, I thought I’d get ahead of that and list ten whopper spoilers from this book, just to get them out of the way. Just to clear the slate, so you don’t have to do picking through the story like a mother monkey plucking ticks from her baby monkey’s fur. Consider it a favor from me.

I’m aces like that.

Here, then, are ten BIG-ASS SPOILERS in the book. You can thank me later.

1. Three words: Emperor Elan Sleazebaggano. And his cousin, Darth Jerkturd. They rule the Deathsticks trade on seven worlds. And you thought the Empire was dead.

2. Not just one Death Star. But a hundred Death Stars. A WHOLE DEATH GALAXY. And they’re all shaped like Darth Vader’s helmet. And the son of Luke Skywalker, Dave Skywalker (who is played by Simon Pegg in the new movie, FYI), has to OMG figure out how to blow up like, every new Death Star at the same time? He can only do it with his friends — an unlikely assortment of wacky deviants and miscreants: Dan Individual, Chorgbacon the Schnook, the Duchess LeeLee Sobieski, Mando Kardashian, and the two droids: See-Poo-Pee-You, and RU-DTF.

3. HAN SOLO HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME. AND HE’S ALSO YOUR REAL DAD. And he’s very disappointed in you. Not mad, just disappointed. Now hold still while he lightsabers your hand off to teach you about responsibility, young padawan.

4. Jar-Jar gives a buffoonish speech in Space Congress and his vote helps form the First Order, whatever the heck that is? Then Jar-Jar is brutally torn apart by a pack of Lothcats for 56 pages. The lesson here? You win some, you lose some.

5. YODA’S BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS. He’s young and he’s handsome and he’s on the hunt for the ladies. “When a hundred years you reach, look as hella sexy, you will not.” *plays sexy techno music, dances with tiny lightsabers like they’re glowsticks at a rave*

6. I forgot where I was in the middle of the book so I instead started a new book about the wacky fun-time adventures of Drunken Jedi Master Wig Chudneck. He has a lightsaber made of bees. (A “beesaber.”) His beard is made of hyper-intelligent cilia — basically, like, fuzzy midichlorians? He has a duck under his arm. The duck will figure in very prominently in Episode VII, so keep your eye out. Basically Wig just sorta runs around, screwing stuff up and then fixing it for people? Like the A-Team, if the A-Team did that and was only one Jedi Master riding a raggedy old tauntaun instead of five semi-competent mercs in a van.

7. Speaking of awesome lightsabers, in this book you will find a Jedi made entirely of lightsabers. And he carries a cannon that shoots little lightsaber bullets. And each of those little lightsaber bullets have the Force. True story.

8. The entire book, when read backward, is a ROT13 cipher. When you solve the puzzle, it reveals the entire backstory of Kylo Ren and the order of Knights to which he belongs. It also has a mean guacamole recipe that uses bacon.

9. The real spoiler is, you’re adopted. You’ll find out on page 147.

10. LUKE SKYWALKER IS REALLY DARTH VADER WHICH MEANS HE’S REALLY HIS OWN DAD AND ALSO HE’S IN MANDALORIAN BATTLE ARMOR NOW AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS REALLY KYLO REN AND KYLO REN IS REALLY DARTH JERKTURD AND SECRETLY DARTH JERKTURD HAS BEEN ADMIRAL ACKBAR THE WHOLE TIME AND THE REBELLION IS REALLY THE EMPIRE AND THE EMPIRE IS REALLY JUST A FLOATING EWOK VILLAGE inside a snow globe held in the hands of a young Keyzer Soze, who turns around and sees his father, Bob Newhart, sleeping on the bed next to Tyler Durden, who he also is, and then he whispers, Rooooosebuuuuud, which is the name of his lightsaber, and then we pan out the window only to see that the Death Star was the Statue of Liberty this whole time OMG IT’S AN AMERICAN METAPHOR THE EMPIRE IS AMERICA AND WE’RE ALL MINDLESS STORMTROOPERS boom! Mic dropped! Here comes Episode VII! Woooo! *barfs in your lap and on your book*

Ahem.

Now, it’s your turn.

I’ll be foregoing a flash fiction challenge today in place of this.

Your task, should you choose to accept it?

Pop in the comments and put in a TOTALLY TRUE* SPOILER from AFTERMATH.

* ahem meaning totally fake

Just one. Not two. And keep it fairly short. (Despite #10 on the list, try to keep it under 100 words.)

You can also tweet the fake spoilers using the hashtag: #fakeaftermathspoilers

I’ll be traveling this weekend (by the time this posts, I will be literally at the launch event for Aftermath), so I won’t have a chance to really look at these until Monday. (Which also means some comments may go unapproved by then if I am unable to curate and check the posts due to being firmly ensconced in the chaos of Dragoncon and Decatur Book Fest.)

You have till Monday, noon EST.

I’ll pick a single favorite out of the bunch.

And that single favorite will get from me:

A signed copy of Star Wars: Aftermath. Hardcover.

And I’ll also throw in a signed copy of Zer0es, too.

Available only to participants in the United States — those outside the USA can still participate, but if you win, know that you’ll be paying the shipping.

Again, you get one entry, and keep it short.

(art at the top of the post by @oncomingspork)

86 comments

  • At the very, very end of the book (after three epilogues and a synagogue) we discover that everything that has come to pass since The Phantom Menace has been nothing but a delusion in Payne’s head. She is in a home for the mentally disturbed due to her overarching delusions of grandeur.

  • Han Solo and Luke Skywalker have been secretly in a relationship for years. Leia knows. She’s their beard.

    They come out at Darth Vader’s dance party and it is the talk of generations.

  • R2D2 and C3PO discovered how to have creepy robot sex and passed on the knowledge. Now everyone’s afraid to walk into a room with robots because you never know what position you’ll find them in.

    And I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth! (or fingers) But what the hell, I’ll run with it.

  • (SQUEE! Also, damnit, I can’t believe I forgot the duck! Just pretend he’s chilling in the hood of Wig’s robe, I guess. Until I redraw it. XD)

    Anyway, spoiler alert: The Force mysteriously disappears halfway through AFTERMATH. After much searching the Millennium Falcon’s crew discover that it actually was broadcasting from Yoda’s swamp the whole time. There’s a fight, a lot of mud is thrown, and eventually Yoda kills them all. As he stands over their bodies, he suddenly has a horrifying revelation.

    “Hmm, changed Force wifi password I did, yes. Shit.”

  • Jabba the Hut’s offspring, Jibbly the Fut, raised by Ewok refugees living on Tatooine, disguised as Jawa ninja monks, undertakes a quest of redemption to deliver a deux ex machina type weapon that looks like an everlasting gobstopper, and might actually be an everlasting gobstopper, concealed deep within the depths of his flabby flesh, deliverable only after a heart-rending sob-fest where Jibbly sacrifices himself in an act of ritual sacrifice, resembling jazzercise, vibrating himself until he explodes splattering weeping Jedi with viscous goo.

    • “…in an act of ritual sacrifice, resembling jazzercise..” this had me in fits. After reading this, a scene came to mind: “After displaying a perfect execution of Jazz hands, the Gods accepted Harley’s unknown request of spontaneous combustion in a cloud of candy, confetti, and glitter that covered three neighboring counties.” Thank you Joy for offering up this treat for me to nibble on. Excellent stuff.

      • I especially like that it was an unknown request… Harley didn’t realize he was asking for it, but he was… oh yes… he was. File this under writing prompt: Write an amusing and whimsical take on ritual suicide.

        • Actually, I was referring to Joy. The use of ‘dude’ was an error on my part, d/t being up all last night and today. My apologies, Joy. No, I’m not an electrical engineer, or an electrical anything, for that matter. I made up that screen name a long time ago, for anonymity sake, I don’t even remember what inspired it. Man, I’m just a big downer stick in the mud today, aren’t I? Sorry…

  • Aftermath is really Episode IX. You know because if you write “Chuck Wendig” backwards in Japanese katakana it looks just like the words “J.J. Abram’s Lovechild”.

  • After developing a bad lisp, Luke Skywalker grew a beard and retired to a distant planet to start a new career in beatboxing. His first album – “Waiting in the Wookie Wing” – was panned by critics (who called it “slightly worse than being shot in the rectum with a blaster”) and ended up in discount bins within months. Skywalker never recovered from the public shaming.

  • I just loved how you tied in Zeroes, Heartland Trilogy, Atlanta Burns, and Miriam Black to make your “joined universe” also part of the Star Wars Universe. Typhon lives, and Atlanta Burns is going to take it down with the help of a smart-mouthed psychic and a corn infested youth!

  • Everyone in the Original Trilogy was a clone. Everyone in the expanded universe was a clone. Even the guy who wrote Aftermath is a clone. Chuck Wendiig is his true name.

    Also I can’t believe he made the sarlacc a jedi.

  • It’s really just been a bad trip after eating an Ewok created delicacy. No one actually left Endor, in the physical sense.

  • Turns out, Boba Fett was never killed by the Sarlacc and Leia never really fell in love with Han Solo. Boba and Han can actually be found getting trashed at Mos Eisley Cantina every now and again. They have even been arrested a few times for indecent exposure, dropping trow and yelling at various women that their force has ‘awoken’.

  • Ponda Baba, Zam Wessell, Mace Windu, and Luke Skywalker, all sidle up to the Cantina bar. They all reach for a drink with their one good hand. Ponda Baba looks them over and muses “One more? You think we need one more.” The Wampa from Empire walks in and angles towards them…

  • After getting back a battered Falcon from Lando, Han takes Chewie and R2-D2 to do repairs.

    Taking a break, Chewie plays holographic chess with R2-D2. Tired of losing, Chewie rips off R2’s dome head. Han rushes in, holding a soccer ball they swiped from Ord Mantell. Chewie yanks the soccer ball from Han, where it rolls underneath R2’s severed head.

    Han, inspired by the new droid look, says, “Chewie… We’re going to be rich.”

    (There’s a cut-out of this R2-BB-8 on the last page of Aftermath, which means I’ll have to buy two copies now — very sneaky, Chudneck).

  • Clickbait Headlines on the Republic News: Drunk, Disorderly, Pantsless Sith Rampage. Full story at 10. Stay tuned to learn how one anonymous Bothan started a riot. Hint: someone yelled “Cockwaffle!” when Emperor Palpitine’s statue shattered!

    And in a surprising twist, the Mouse cleaning droids have unionized and are demanding a theme park.

  • C3-PO remains on Endor after the war as the official ambassador to the Ewoks, but is removed weeks later when holocromes advertising a brothel for Wookies with midget fetishes swarm the New Republic.

  • The way you completely rehabilitate Jar Jar’s reputation, and set him up as the shining beacon of hope for the galaxy is amazing Chuck

  • Final Scene:

    Wedge steps into his apartment on Rebel-occupied Coruscant. Weary from defeating the true villain (a 30-meter tall, weaponized Gonk droid piloted by the mind-controlled, reconstituted corpse of Jek Porkins), he tosses the keys to his X-Wing on the side table and reaches for the light switch.

    The lights flicker, then fade.

    Surprised, Wedge looks up to see a hooded figure standing across the room, silhouetted against the Coruscant cityscape. The figure speaks.

    “Mr. Antilles, you’ve just stepped into a whole new galaxy. You just don’t know it yet.”

    The figure turns and lowers the hood of his tattered Jedi robe, revealing a gleaming bald head and an eyepatch.

    “My name is Mace Windu. I’m here to talk to you about the Lobot Initiative.”

    (Maybe a little long, but I couldn’t help myself.)

  • Once again, forced with a choice between the red and the blue pill… Neo takes the pill, and wakes up with the rest of the world, with a hazy dream about death stars, and the mysterious thing called “the force..” Oh well, might as well get back to the grind…

  • Luke retires and writes his memoirs, a series titled “The New Jedi Order”. Sales explode (pun intended?) when a fact-finding journalist from Buzznet releases an article titled “You Won’t Believe It’s Not Canon! 25 Ways The New Jedi Order Is Totally Made Up!”

  • The entirety of the Star Wars Universe (meaning all movies, books, comic books, tv shows, video games, related media, cereal box backs, and every game of Star Wars RPG every played, including that one that showed up on i09 recently about the DM’s character romancing Leia) has occurred in only the imagination of Luke Skywalker, young teenager about to head to Toshi Station and pick up some power convertors.

  • A cigarette smoking Jar Jar shows up brandishing a lightsaber, saying “Weesa see who’s a real Jedi now, mofo”

    Meanwhile, the ghost of Anakin is busy thumping the ghost of Yoda in the head while asking “what did you THINK “bringing balance to the Force” meant when there were Jedi crawling around everywhere?” (Looks over at Jar Jar, then back to Yoda Ghost) “THIS is on your own head, you muppet”

  • We soon find out the war actually IS over, despite the blurb on the book cover. Without their Sith overlord, the empire just gives up and goes home. The rebel leadership has a meeting and they’re all like, “Uhh…now what?” This is met with shrugs and non-committal grunts. Finally someone suggests that since the Ewoks pretty much won the war, why not let them run the stupid galaxy? There is unanimous agreement, chaos ensues, and the real war begins. This, as we already know, eventually causes the force to awaken. With a really, really bad hangover.

  • We find out that Jar Jar Binks is not only still alive but was the true Emperor all along, and now is piss ed about what has been happening and is going to show the galaxy and the rebellion how it’s done and rebuild the whole Empire.

  • Luke is a bitter old Jedi with erectile dysfunction, so he uses a lightsaber as his prosthetic skywinky. He spends his days drunk on Hoth Toddys made from tauntaun piss.

  • Shockwave narrowly escapes an Autobot ambush with a blind jump through the space bridge. Knowing not where he has ended up, he finds himself staring down the wrong end of a Star Destroyer but is able to punch through the command deck transparasteel in order to claim the mighty ship for the glory of the Decepticons. With the help of Optimus Prime the rebels are able to repel and defeat the Decepticons, but it comes at a cost of losing key ground in the war against the Empire.

  • Han & Leia go back to Endor for a rustic honeymoon where they first shared the true feelings. During a romantic walk in the woods, they discover a house made entirely of the force. An evil sith lives there, & traps the lovebirds in a cage, with the intention of turning them in for bounty money, buy only after fattening them up a bit first. After 30 years, Han & Leia finally escape, & appear in Rebel headquarters, older & larger than they were in their youth. Luke (like my teen son) is horrified, & insists that Leia couldn’t possibly be a Jedi.

  • Narrowly dodging death at the hands of Han Solo, Greedo’s protracted recovery brought with it a steady spiral of bitter rage, which came to a head when he saw his would-be killer honored as a Rebel hero.

    • (shit, damn you enter key!)
      Skulking in the shadows for years, plotting and unhinged, the Knights of Ren see in the broken….whatever he is…. an untapped potential, and the possibility for his thirst for revenge to be sated.

      I thought the scene where the newly christened Kylo Ren stoically amputates his own deely-bobbers at his initiation so he can wear the cool helmet to be particularly heart-rending.

  • SPOILER: Han and Leia elope secretly, without telling Luke. By the time he finds out three-quarters the way through the book (and yes, Leia is starting to show by this point), he’s so pissed off, he decides the Dark Side isn’t so bad after all. And so, Luke joins his father in plotting a revenge against his former friend and his sister.

    But does it all work out for him or does he realise that he could be screwing up his only chance in being an Uncle to a great Jedi Knight to lead into the light…. or darkness?

  • Jar Jar Binks makes a surprise cameo appearance and is played by none other than Paul Reubens. Turns out, Kylo Ren isn’t the villain after all. He is just misunderstood as his light saber only glows red because it’s low on batteries. But will anyone listen? Of course not. They are too concerned about the sex of Han and Leia’s love child, which happens to be a boy that they name Greedo (because Han feels like an a-hole for shooting first).

  • We find out that Greedo actually did shoot first, but Obi-Wan was able to travel back in time to warn Han of the confrontation because he knew that they would need the Millennium Falcon to help the rebellion. This ends up having dire consequences in The Force Awakens.

  • At the moment of his death, Palpatine downloaded his life-force into C3PO. During a plot-sensitive moment he takes control and sweeps destruction across the galaxy with an impressive British accent and an Ewok sidekick named Bertie.

  • Luke and the gang catch the pirate ghost haunting the abandoned amusement park on Cloud City. They tear off his mask to reveal that it was actually Max Rebo all along. He was trying to scare everyone away as he was searching for a hidden cache of old Empire credits. As he’s lead away by Bespin guards, he mutters, “I would have gotten away with it,too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and that Wookie.”

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