THAT RACCOON HAS A GUN AND A HEART
I AM GROOT
I am full of joy
I haven’t had this much fun going to the movies since I don’t know when
YOU’RE ON NOTICE, STAR WARS EPISODE SEVEN
Except this isn’t really like Star Wars at all despite the comparisons
This is more like THE LAST STARFIGHTER or ICE PIRATES
HA HA HA DICK MESSAGE
Hey is that really Sean Gunn from Gilmore Girls?
Oh, dang, he’s related to the director, isn’t he?
The music! THE MUSIC.
Music is so essential!
I have earworms giddily chewing into my brain!
WE MUST BE LIKE KEVIN BACON AND SAVE THE WORLD WITH DANCE
Hey, is that Lee Pace from Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies?
Is that — is that Simon Pegg in an eyepatch?
Wait, no, I don’t think that’s Simon Pegg.
(But Rob Zombie is in this movie?)
This movie is entirely uncynical
It doesn’t have an iota of darkness or grimdarkness in its silly heart
It’s actually sweet!
AHH I WANT MY SON TO SEE THIS SOME DAY BECAUSE WHIZZ BANG FUN ZOOM
Oh Chris Pratt you’re the best and you used to be doughy and you give us all hope
I want to play in this roleplaying game like not a video game but with dice and character sheets and OOH OOH CAN I PLAY THE TECHIE RACCOON WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER
okay maybe some tiny complaints like jeez Marvel sure is in love with this whole Macguffin magical shiny glowy stones and objects bullshit, and hey maybe women could get a better break in these movies instead of the white guy always being the day-saver
and the post credits sequence uhhh wut
*clap clap clap*
This is why Jesus and George Lucas invented toys!
*gobbles down all the movie merchandising*
3D OH SNAP IT’S FLYING RIGHT AT MY FACE
IMAX IS PRETTY COOL BUT I HAD TO TAKE OUT A HOME EQUITY LOAN FOR THE TICKET
*whistles up a floating spear*
*buys self a Walkman*
SHUT UP I’M NOT CRYING
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE JESUS GOD CRAP STOP READING THIS AND GO SEE IT
*vibrates until cosmic microscopic dispersal*
(no raccoons or tree people were harmed during the making of this movie)