Conversations With The Toddler

This is an actual conversation I had with the toddler the other day as we stood at the bottom of our driveway in his ride-on pick-up truck. He got out of his truck, went to the side of the driveway and into the woods, then decided he was going to pee in the weeds.

B-Dub: I’m peeing.

Me: I see that.

B-Dub: *walks back with his pants not entirely pulled up*

Me: You forgot something.

B-Dub:  *sees what he forgot* Oh ha ha ha.

Me: You need to put Mister Winky back in his house.

B-Dub: I need to put Mister Winky in my butt!

Me: That’s not how that works. Besides, your butt is in the back, your winky is in the front.

B-Dub: Mister Winky and the Butt are neighbors.

Me: Y… yes.

B-Dub: Does Mister Winky have a dog?

Me: Uh. What?

B-Dub: Mister Winky has a dog! And he keeps it in my butt. A BUTT DOG.

B-Dub: *cracks up for like, five minutes straight*

B-Dub: *laughing dies down*

B-Dub: …butt dog.

And, scene.

* * *

Your turn. If you have kids or have ever met one of these tiny little randos, feel free to share with us something completely hilarious / cuckoo bananapants / disturbing that this children has said, or some conversation you’ve had with them. I think every parent has these, so, y’know. SHARE.

72 comments

  • My 4 year old means to say, “If you insist…..” but instead whenever I ask him to do something he responds, “If you exist…..”

  • I present the best of my kids’ quotes, preserved forever for austerity…

    http://twitter.com/MissMairead (age 7, sometimes comes up with shit that’s creepy as fuck like “Can I get a hamster and then when it dies use its fur for a My Little Pony sleeping bag or a blanket?” or “I wish I had a unicorn full of blood so it would make a scab sculpture of a unicorn.”)

    http://twitter.com/The_Finn_Man (age almost 5, espouses wisdom such as “‘Ripping a machine off the wall at the dentist’ is actually an expression.” and “I don’t want to hammer it with tools from the basement. I want to hammer it with these things. *holds out clenched fists*”)

    Note the recurring theme of nipples throughout both feeds.

  • About a week before my daughter’s due date, she and my grandson were cuddled up on the couch watching Dumbo. My daughter pointed to the stork carrying Dumbo to his mother. She gave him a little squeeze and said, “The stork is going to visit us soon, too.”

    My grandson turned to her, wide-eyed. “You’re having a baby elephant!?”

  • Laughing so hard at some of these!

    Last Easter my eldest (he was five) was learning about the meaning of Easter at the same time as the class was reading ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’, and it gave him some very odd ideas about the Second Coming.

    Him: Jesus is coming back one day, isn’t he Mummy?

    Me: some people think so, yes, darling.

    Him: on a BEANSTALK!

    Me: n-o-o-o…

    He thought the giant’s house was in heaven because it was on top of a cloud. His teacher thought it was hysterical, and she must have thought she’d heard it all!

    Then there was the time when he was three-ish and he just walked up to me, looked me in the eye and said with a dead-serious expression ‘I lick you like a cow’. Which was nice.

  • My oldest son took his grandparents, at age three and a half, on a tour of our new house. He took them through every room, but saved the best room for last, his own. After bringing them in, he turned to them and dropped his trou and announced, “And this is my penis!”

  • July 1, 2014 at 10:19 AM // Reply

    My husband and I took our girls out to see Christmas lights and of course had the radio on to Christmas carols ( one of the few times I can even handle endless carols). We finally arrive back home after driving around for an hour or more and my youngest, who was only about 4, starts to sing perfectly “I have to potty, ba rump a bump bum.” I have had a special fondness for the Little Drummer Boy ever since.

  • Mister Winky and the Butt dog are fantastic, but Todd Moody’s son’s house tour and penis introduction win! My story pales in comparison.

    My second son didn’t say anything but gibberish until he turned two. One winter night too not long after his second birthday, he sat at the dinner table wearing only a white t-shirt and a pair of cloth training underpants because that’s acceptable toddler dinner apparel at our house. He barely ate anything most days, but this particular night he astonished us by eating everything on his plate.

    Finished, he pushed back from the table, patted his stomach with great satisfaction, and said: “Aaaahhh! I’m stuffed like a chicken!”

    We burst out laughing.

    Feeling cold, he pulled his knees up inside his t-shirt and pulled his arms in too so he looked like a funny white egg with a smiling head on top. Unable to catch himself, he promptly fell off the chair.

    A complete sentence, his first simile, AND physical comedy. I was so proud!

  • The other day I was playing pretend with my seven year-old nephew. We had just finished watching a movie with some of the family, and he was pretending I was a theatre patron and he worked in the theatre.

    Nephew: The movie is over. You need to leave.

    Me: I’d rather not. Can I stay if I give you my leftover popcorn?

    Nephew: No, I don’t want that.

    Me: Okay, it’s not leftover. It’s new popcorn. With fake butter flavor.

    Nephew: No, I don’t want that.

    Me: Here, how about this Ferrari?

    Nephew: That will do. You can stay.

    I pretended to hand him a Ferrari. He pretended to eat it, and then we explained to him that a Ferrari is a car. He simply said, “Oh. I didn’t know about that,” and we continued on with the theatre game. Several minutes after I’d forgotten about the Ferrari, I suggested that we leave the theatre.

    Nephew: No. I can’t move because I accidentally ate a car.

  • These are brilliant. It’s so cool, the stuff kids come out with. McMini is such a found of quotable snippets that I’ve started putting them on my blog. Here are a few examples – one from my little nephew, too.

    McNephew (to very large mum of friend) Wow.
    Friend’s Mum. Hello
    McNephew, staring, bug eyed: I can’t believe it. You are really, really fat aren’t you?
    Friend’s Mum (completely unfazed). Yes I am.

    McMini: Mummy, when you know a bit more about the world, like I do, you’ll understand. (he is six).

    McMini: Bollocks!
    Me: What did you say?
    McMini: Bollocks! It’s a great word isn’t it?
    Me: It’s a very naughty word. Where on earth did you hear that?
    McMini: You Mummy.
    Me: Ah. Well don’t tell anyone. And don’t say it any more OK?

    Singing the responses in church McMini suddenly joined in, at double speed. When I finally got to the end (along with everyone else) he said, “I beat you Mummy! I win! I finished first.”

    Later on. Also in Church.

    “Look!” McMini held up a picture he’d drawn. “he is a baddy cowboy.” McMini then coloured his eyes in brown. “See? He has brown fire coming out of his eyes!”
    “Brown Fire sounds like a euphemism for something else.”
    “No it’s not brown fire Mummy. It’s pooh. He has pooh coming out of his eyes in big brown pooy streams.”
    “Ah…” I replied as the people in the pew behind started giggling.

    These and many others are available here: http://mtmcguire.co.uk/tag/mcmini/

    Cheers

    MTM

  • Husband: Buddy, you’ve got to settle down and go to sleep.
    6 year old son: But I can’t stop thinking about exciting things.
    Husband: Try and think of quiet, relaxing things.
    6 year old son: You mean like flowers dying?
    Husband: Uh…sure…

  • I wrote down some of my favorite conversations with my 7yo daughter (hereto referred to as ‘Monster’). She is very creative, way too smart, and just weird enough to be related to me. These happened last year, but I couldn’t think of any more recent weirdness.

    …And they all DIED.
    Her: “Mommy. I have bad news.” *her face very somber* “The Little People who went to live in the fishtank? They all died.” (Little People are Monsters version of a ‘flea circus’. I think they look human, but they are invisible, very tiny, and apparently exist in great numbers in our house)
    Me: “Oh dear! Did the fish eat them?”
    Her: *still very pragmatic* Yes. Silvery ate one over here… *pointing to the 20 gallon tank* Goldy at the ones that lived here. Then Silvery ate the ones that hid here. And Goldy ate the last ones over here.”
    Me: “Well, Silvery and Goldy DO tend to eat anything they can get a hold of.”
    Her. “Yes. Moving to a fishtank was a bad idea.”

    But she can also be quite practical…
    Me: (realizing she’s been VERY quiet in her room for a long time) “Monster? Are you DEAD?”
    Her: “No! If I were dead I wouldn’t be talking right now.”
    Me: “Excellent observation. Please carry on not being dead.”

    PS Since she got to meet you at Pikes Peak Writers, Monster now waves and says “Hi Chuck!” everytime she sees your photos on my Facebook. :)

  • One of the few things I do on Facebook is share conversations like this I have with my son for the family to enjoy. Just combed through the timeline for a few of my favorites:

    1. [after the owners of this apartment renovated the bathroom and did away with the bathtub (it’s a thing here sometimes)]

    Kid: “I want a bath.”
    Me: “You know we don’t have a bathtub. You can have a shower.”
    Kid: “Why did those people take it? I hate that.”
    Me: “Sorry.”
    Kid: *walks away muttering* “I must find a way to destroy them. Destroy them!”

    2.

    KID is in bed making these really loud snoring noises. I go in and tell him he needs to stop and really go to sleep.

    Kid: “I am sleeping”.
    Me: “No, you’re making fake snoring sounds, you need to really sleep.”
    Kid: “But,” he says, “this is what YOU do when YOU go to sleep.”

    3. [after New Year’s Day and the official change of everyone’s age here in Korea]

    Kid: “Hey daddy, 7 is almost 10, right?”
    Me: “Well, you’re still only 5 by Canadian age.”
    Kid: “Yeah, I just want to talk Korean age.”
    Me; “Ok.”
    Kid: “So 7 is almost 10. So soon I’ll be an adult.”
    Me: “Yeah, you’ve got to be more like 20 to be an adult.”
    Kid: “What?! I thought 10 was adult. 7 is really far from 20!” *Walks away dragging feet to reconsider his expectations*

    4. We went into our local mart to pick up a few things and he noticed the various killer bug spray cans (think Raid) that are on more prominent display now that the warm weather is here. And then we had this conversation:

    Kid: “Dad, look -spiders, ants, bugs.”
    Me: “Yeah, that’s bug spray.”
    Kid: *eyes start twinkling* “Bug…spray?”
    Me: “Sure, you spray it to kill bugs that get inside your home.”
    Kid: *face loses a little brightness* “Oh.”
    Me: “What’s wrong?”
    Kid: “Well, if it’s called bug spray it should spray bugs.”
    Me: “You mean you want to push it and ants coming spraying out?”
    Kid: “Yeah!”
    Me: “Yeah, it doesn’t work like that. Sorry.”

    A little while later we’re walking around the store and I can hear him trailing behind me muttering to himself: “It’s not right. If they call it BUG SPRAY it should SPRAY BUGS…”

    5. And my all time favorite:

    Kid: “I’m a zombie, you have to save my stuffed animals from me.”
    Me: “Ok, I’m going to get you zombie.”
    Kid: “But first you have to get through my deflector shields.”
    Me: *proudest geek-dad ever*

  • Riding home from church 18 yrs ago with my now 21 year old, I was inquiring about how things went in Sunday School. I asked if she had learned anything. She replied yes. I asked what they had talked about. She replied, God. I then asked her what did he say. And the indignant reply from the back seat was, “Mom! He wasn’t there!”

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