The Terribleminds Choose-Your-Own-Profanity Generator


I was standing out back of my father’s — well, I don’t know what the fuck it was, but it was a building of indeterminate function. A big building in which you could stack a couple tractors on top of one another. Big brown metal walls. Concrete floor. One end open, the others closed. He did sandblasting there. Painting. Some engine work and some reloading and gunsmithing. (About ten yards south of the building was a shooting bench and about 200 yards off, a backstop.)

We were standing out there one day for whatever reason or another and I was about 12 at the time and I let slip with a so-called “bad word.” I said this word by way of an accident — not that I let this vulgarity slip out but rather I meant to say one word and I said this word instead.

That word was “piss.”

Not exactly a bunker-buster of a bad word, but bad enough for a 12-year-old at that time and I was afraid as soon as the word fell out of my mouth that with such an utterance I would earn his rather significant ire, but the opposite happened:

He laughed, and was proud of me.

That was the day, I think, that I learned to truly love me some profanity.

It’s part of my schtick, here, but it’s also part of who I am and how I really talk. (Though people are often surprised I don’t ladle heaping helpings of shit and fuck on every conversation, podcast or interview I have — hey, I do try to maintain a level of politeness, particularly with people who may not be super-comfortable with me spraying that kind of naughty-juice all over them.) I responded strongly to George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Denis Leary. (I did not respond strongly to Andrew Dice Clay, curiously — I always thought his profanity was in service of being dirty, not in service of being funny or making a point.)

I use profanity here at this site pretty frequently, and most folks seem happy about that or at least cautiously comfortable. The bad words are in my books, too — even in my young adult books because I probably cursed more when I was a teenager than I do now, and while I recognize that not all teens are foul-mouthed little shit-birds, a good number of them are or they’ve at least heard the words used by peers. (My cornpunk YA, Under the Empyrean Sky, uses more made-up profanity than real-world stuff, though.) Some of the negative reviews of my books will call out this penchant for linguistic naughtiness, which is fine and fair and that’s where bad reviews do good work: they let others who might be offended by such things know what they’re going to get, and so they might want to avoid. Like warning you a bridge is out ahead, or that a product contains peanuts. My Miriam Black books in particular are soggy with dirty words. Some folks have suggested that women don’t speak that way, but they haven’t met many of the wonderfully foul-mouthed women in my life. (My own mother dropped an f-bomb when meeting my in-laws.)

Because of this, my books or blog posts sometimes offend, and that’s okay.

(It’s worth noting here my thoughts on offending people, which is to say, I don’t much care. I don’t mind offending you. I very much mind if something I say hurts you directly or indirectly.)

I hear sometimes that profanity is a sign of reduced intelligence or limited vocabulary — to which I say, bad words are still words, after all, which means they are vocabulary. Profanity is a circus of language. Trapeze stunts! Lions eating lion-tamers! Motorcycles on fire jumping through hoops!

Some folks say, “You don’t need to use profanity,” which is true, and I agree, and sometimes I don’t. Actually, George Carlin said a pretty smart thing on this subject…

Yeah, that “You don’t need to; you’re a funny man, you don’t need that stuff” thing. Well, my argument is that you don’t need paprika or oregano or a few other things to make a stew, technically, either — but you make a better stew. If you’re inclined to make a stew of that type, “seasoning” helps.

I know from Bill Cosby’s work, he clearly feels that way, and I’ve always felt that by taking that stand and developing a body of work that didn’t include it, Cosby can never now choose to use that language. I, however, can choose either.

I can do six minutes on The Tonight Show with none of that in it — I can use other parts of my tool kit that work for me; I’m good at them, too, and can do that no problem — but I can also be more of my street-corner self elsewhere, with language of the street if I want to do that, too.

Why should I deprive myself of a small but important part of language that my fellow humans have developed? Why not use all of what we’ve developed to communicate with?

Sometimes I overdo it intentionally, because it has an effect of its own. I think there are a lot of sentences where the adjective “fucking — I guess it’s a gerund, isn’t it? — sometimes just makes the joke work better. And not because they’re laughing at the word “fuck” but because including that word may make the language of a sentence more powerful, and it just gets in there better. It just gets in that channel you’ve got open with a harder punch, you know? That’s why people use it in life — because it makes something they’re trying to say stronger; it gives a particular effect.

I think the folks who choose to deny that part of our language have limited themselves. And that’s fine; that’s good. Good choice over there…but I’m just fine over here.

Anyway, all this is a precursor to:

Hey! Have a random compound-vulgarity generator!

The way this works is simple:

a) Begin with one of the Ten Base Vulgarities.

b) Couple that with a Random Noun or use one of the twenty I’ve provided.

c) Frontload with as many Vulgar Modifiers as you so choose.

d) Get on your roof and yell your glorious new profanity to passing cars.

Step One: The Ten Base Vulgarities

  1. Shit
  2. Fuck
  3. Ass
  4. Tit (or Tits)
  5. Jizz
  6. Dildo
  7. Cock
  8. Douche
  9. Piss
  10. Turd

Roll a d10 or use a random number generator to get your word.

* Now, a couple notes on what constitutes vulgarity. The ten naughty words I’ve chosen are not meant to indicate judgment against these words — I don’t consider these words bad in the sense that they shouldn’t be used. I think it’s a bit absurd that any of these are considered vulgar, really — “shit” is bad, but “poop” is mostly okay? Whatever. I also don’t think dildo is a bad word — it just happens to sound funny when paired with random nouns.

Some will note that “douche” is not strictly vulgar and has sexist connotations, though others will argue that the actual practice of douching is not recommended or healthy for most people. I’ve included it here because its pairing in compound vulgarities is, quite frankly, classic.

I have not included the nuclear-bomb profanity of “cunt.” An argument for its inclusion might be that a) I’ve included “cock” and I feel like “cunt” is its natural pairing and b) because I’ve heard British and Aussie folk use it with great gusto and delight. PLUS JAMES JOYCE USED IT.

Regardless, it is the lightning rod of dirty words. You are free to add it into the list as you see fit.

You are of course encouraged to add your own vulgarities to the list as you see fit, expanding the base vulgarities beyond these ten. (These words alone possess a wide variety of variations: crap, cum, anus, dick, nuts, prick, snatch, hell, dong, wang, and on and on. I think some vulgarities are too jerky to be included, and that includes any word that tends to be explicitly racist or sexist or otherwise bigoted.)

Step Two: Random Noun Selection

You will find a most excellent random noun generator right here.

In fact, using step one and step two already, I have gotten:

Fuck-Missile!

Dildo-Brother!

Cock-Giant!

Jizz-Archer!

And more.

Or you can also roll a d10 or use the random number generator on this list of 20 nouns:

  1. Circus
  2. Magnet
  3. Donkey
  4. Turnip
  5. Wombat
  6. Blizzard
  7. Bucket
  8. Tornado
  9. Pumpkin
  10. Wizard
  11. Syrup
  12. Tractor
  13. Cookie
  14. Farmer
  15. Dumpling
  16. Fruit
  17. Squirrel
  18. Hamper
  19. Shovel
  20. Tube

Fucktube? Douche Blizzard! TURD-MAGNET. (Or Turd Magnate?) Jizz-Donkey.

And so on, and so forth.

Step Three: Add 0-100 Vulgar Modifiers

Choose another semi-vulgar or vaguely-insulting random noun:

  1. Scum
  2. Barf
  3. Vulture
  4. Monkey
  5. Pube
  6. Nipple
  7. Goblin
  8. Porn
  9. Elf
  10. Gourd
  11. Testicle
  12. Butt
  13. Jelly
  14. Poop
  15. Biscuit
  16. Meat
  17. Booger
  18. Widget
  19. Velociraptor
  20. Underpants

Then add a verb from this list:

  1. Juggling
  2. Jiggling
  3. Gargling
  4. Tickling
  5. Humping
  6. Denying
  7. Thumping
  8. Chomping
  9. Punching
  10. Sucking
  11. Poking
  12. Sipping
  13. Squeezing
  14. Spasming
  15. Whistling
  16. Massaging
  17. Trumpeting
  18. Snorkeling
  19. Nibbling
  20. Roasting

Or a verb from this list:

  1. Shellacked
  2. Buried
  3. Tossed
  4. Kicked
  5. Tumbled
  6. Dongled
  7. Tweeted
  8. Smacked
  9. Guzzled
  10. Whipped
  11. Spackled
  12. Wrangled
  13. Pecked
  14. Squirted
  15. Napped
  16. Snogged
  17. Hustled
  18. Mutilated
  19. Ogled
  20. Pinched

Which could lead to such indelicate phrases as:

“Butt-Dongled, Elf-Pecked Jizz-Wizard!”

Or: “Pube-Shellacked, Jelly-Sucking Fuck-Turnip!”

Good times. Good times.

Step Four: Yell It At Passersby

Just don’t tell them I told you to do that.

Step Five: Have A Merry Motherfucking Christmas!

You biscuit-whistling, nipple-nibbling, goblin-hustled, gourd-whipped douche-tubes, you!

As a quick administrative note:

You will find me here tomorrow and at the Angry Robot site talking about Christmas and Death (no, really). Then I won’t be back until next week when I’ll talk about that most foul-mouthed of cantankerous psychics, Miriam Black, who returns in her third adventure, The Cormorant.


33 responses to “The Terribleminds Choose-Your-Own-Profanity Generator”

  1. You POOP-HUMPING, BUTT-SMACKED DOUCHE WOMBAT!!

    That was cathartic. And purely random-number-generated.

    Thanks, I’m sharing this on FB because I’m fairly certain that some friends of mine have already worn out the traditional epithets this year.

  2. YOU PUMPKIN PUNCHING TIT MONKEY!!!!!

    Wow….that feels much better. Note to self: generate random insults more often

  3. Woot! Love this!

    I mixed and matched a few and got a great one! 😀

    Piss-Pumpkin Scum-Whipped Nipple-Monkey!

    yeah… very cool… and I’ve been calling people ass-butt in traffic when they piss me off. 😛 Now I have this great new phrase 😀

  4. The best phrase I heard was from a radio celeb. It was included in his on-air conversation with a foreign national. He call the man a “goat sucking, camel humping, mother fucker”. Still can’t get it out of my head more than a decade past.

  5. Chuck,

    Sometime back,a few short weeks ago, I threw a comment your way with my feelings on your use of the “profanity tool box”.After reading this piece, I understand much better of what and how you use these words to paint your pictures for readers.
    What I think is of no matter in the big picture. I am probably less than 1/10 Th of a % of those that follow your offerings. The wonderful thing in America is that one can say what they think and not be concerned for hob nail boot wearing online storm troopers will be knocking down one’s firewall of safety to respond. In a perfect world, I would liked to have had a response to me personally addressing my comments on the subject matter….now that is selfish and “ain’t a gonna happen. Just like my fan letter to Robert Redford after I saw Butch Cassidy etc. etc. got absorbed by the “ethers”.
    I still don’t like it, it makes me feel like I am crossing a small creek with slow moving water but the rocks under my bare feet are not only slimy,but jagged.
    My choice is to say Fuck It and move on, or quit reading this fucking shit that flows through my computer like a complete hitch of Clydesdales all pissing at once after the Tournament of Roses Parade gig; or maybe they just smell the cunts in heat of the Queen and her Court from the next float over.

    • @Ross —

      I think by now it’s pretty clear that I like to use profanity, and I wouldn’t be upset if that was your reason for bowing out of reading this blog or my work. We all have to make those choices for a variety of reasons and no harm, no foul.

      — c.

      • Hey Chuck.
        Thanks for the personal response. It is easy to have this veil of the internet to protect whatever we all are trying to protect. I want to wish you and your lovely family a wonderful Holiday Season. ….and, oh- by the way (I love to break proper writing rules-that is the full extent of my lawlessness), I am still signed on for all of your” creek crossings”,no matter hew treacherous and uncertain. There is a substance lurking in you,young man. That has merit in my book!!!!! (As an antidote to all of this that I subject myself to daily, I am now writing personal letters on fine pages with pen and ink,sealed with my seal in wax-no envelopes. ) It seems to make me feel more connected to the human spirit in another way. Refreshing to say the least.

  6. I was raised by a grandmother who used to tell me that people who swore habitually lacked the mental faculties to muster an alternative phrase. That said, I love how the strategic deployment of a curse word adds nuance and shades of meaning. I seldom swear, but when I do, it’s with accuracy and velocity.

  7. The thing that really jerked my chain was when I observed some gray-haired mother cover her mouth in horror upon learning that Junior (who was in the military service at the time) might have used those terrible naughty words.
    Really? In the military, the f-bomb is as common as uniforms. When you’re struggling to land ‘five thousand fucking jar-heads on the beach to lay some wup-ass on the motherfucking enemy’, you tend to use the words a lot.

  8. […] Choose Your Own Profanity Generator – If you are a fan of Chuck Wendig, you know he’s one of the most creative writers out there when it comes to cussing. Just in case you need a laugh, I wanted to include this one. It has given me hours of giggles. (And if you haven’t read his Miriam Black series, you are missing out. Go, read!) […]

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