In Which I Am Contacted By The “FBI”

The other day, I received this in my inbox:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director; Roberts Mueller III. After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them. Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.

With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI, we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds. Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund. Therefore you are advise to re-confirm your delivery information as stated below.

DELIVERY INFORMATION:

FULL NAME:

HOME ADDRESS/COUNTRY:

OCCUPATION:

AGE:

CELL PHONE NUMBER:

Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.

Mr.Ronald T.Hosko

Mr.Robert S. Mueller III

FBI DIRECTOR

So, y’know.

CLEARLY IT’S ALL REAL AND I’M GOING TO RECEIVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

I feel like this very important e-mail deserves dissection.

“I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director…”

Wow, must’ve been quite a demotion, Ronnie-boy. Since the last time I checked, you were assistant director of CID at the FBI, not some go-fer who runs and fetches coffee and scrubs the calluses on Mueller’s gnarly feet. Sorry to hear about the downgrade. It’s tough out there for everyone, I guess.

“After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them.”

That is possibly the worst sentence I have ever read. My pending payment? What? Withheld by… imposters? Who are they, uhh, “imposting” as? Me? Why didn’t they just take the money and run?

Why are they “withholding” it? Those dummies.

And “But with the help of the FBI…” — dude, you are the FBI. You don’t need their help. YOU ARE THEM. You used to be assistant director of CID until you blew the wrong field agent or lost your iPhone in a Tuscon meth trailer and ended up getting dropped down to being a personal secretary.

Be proud of who you are, Doc Hosko!

“Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.”

No, I have not. I have not spent any money trying to transfer money. I spend a lot of money at Target. Is that what you mean? I love Target. Hell, my toddler loves Target. Any time we tell him we’re going somewhere in the car, he makes the car noise — b-r-r-r-r-r — and then says, “Tar-uh? Tar-uh!” and then we have to tell him we’re not going to Target today and he gives us a look like he’s going to fill his diaper with pure anger.

I don’t know who these imposters are, by the way, but they sound very ineffective.

“With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI…”

HOLY SHIT THE BEST INTERNET INVESTIGATORS? Like Earl “The Cyber-Hawk” Dingowhistle? Or Mary-Alice Krebs, the so-called “Mata Hari of Reddit?” Or what about that robot detective, 110100101 Jones? I feel so fucking lucky to have them on my case!

And apparently they’re attached to the FBI.

One assumes with zip-ties or Velcro.

“…we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds.”

Yeah, I don’t know what that means.

I assume you got my email off the Internet. I mean, it’s not on billboards or cool enough to be some celebrity’s tattoo. Or wait, is the Internet a dude? Like, did you meet him somewhere and he gave you my address? I always thought the Internet might be a person.

“Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization.”

HOLY SHIT, THAT GUY IS INVOLVED NOW? Man, my case must rate like right up there to bring in the secretary general of the UNO. (I love their deep-dish pizza, by the way! It’s like cake! With cheese and sauce and meat! It’s cholesterol cake! I ate some last year and it’s still inside my heart! Literally!)

You know, you can tell me — are my impostors Al Qaeda agents?

I bet they are.

Oh, by the way, “meeting” should be pluralized there.  I guess I’m just happy you didn’t pluralize with a possessive. That kind of thing will cause a writer to fill his diaper with pure anger.

“It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.”

First, can we just be honest here? You need to learn the art of shorter sentences. I took a short nap in the middle of this one, hope that’s okay! Anyway, let’s see here –

I have not received my $9.5 million, that’s true.

And past Government Officials? Who almost held the fund to themselves for their one collective selfish reason? OH FUCK NO. I wonder what that selfish reason was? Maybe they were going to buy a speedboat. Like, I figure, if you have a shit-ton of money, a really flashy speedboat is a pretty good way to blow some illicit cash. Or like, the world’s biggest warehouse of styrofoam peanuts. It’d be like swimming in packing peanuts. You could have such adventures! You could recreate the hunt for the White Whale! “ARRR CALL ME ISHMAEL. THERE I SEE ME THE ALABASTER WHALE, AHAB.” Or whatever.

I never actually read Moby Dick.

Anyway.

Those selfish impostor assholes! Maybe they just wanted to buy everything inside Target. Lord knows I do!

I will say that them trying to “swindle” and “take advantage of” my fund makes it sound like the fund is also a person. Are the Internet and the Fund two dudes having crazy cyborg adventures in the American desert? Some sci-fi version of Fear and Loathing? *eyes go wide*

*begins taking notes*

I call dibs on that idea, by the way. Dibs! DIBS. Hands-off. *points gun*

In the meantime, let me just give you all my so-called “delivery information”…

There we go. I assume that such an epic amount of money will have to arrive via like, UPS? Or maybe you’ll back up a truck. OR A SPEEDBOAT OMG. Maybe you’ll air-drop it onto my lawn? That’d be pretty sweet. The last thing I had airdropped onto my lawn was a chunk of human waste frozen to the underside of a 747 like a frosty dingleberry. It crushed my treehouse. And my heart.

What will I do if the impostors keep, er, imposting?

“Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.”

THOSE DAMN SCAMMER.

I will email you, Ronaldo, old boy. That way we can — as you say — eradicate them.

Fuck yeah, we’ll trace the shit out of them.

And then eradicate even more shit out of them.

FUCK YEAH.

I appreciate it, Ronbo. Kick-ass.

I look forward to my air-drop of money.

Oh, and hey — thanks for helping out here. Tell Mueller and the sec-gen of PIZZERIA UNO that I appreciate them looking out for me like this. And I’m sorry to hear about your demotion.

*sits on lawn, waits for cash*

*dreams of speedboats and Target shopping*

32 comments

  • This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in awhile. Love it. Also, I love the new direction the spam-scam is taking. It’s kinda meta. After years of the various African princes trying to trick us out of our money (and, the new spambot assumes, succeeded) the FBI is on the case to get it all back.

    BTW, the new comment box-thing is purty.

  • I’m just interested to know when American government organisations started using yahoo for their emails? I know the economy is tight, but you’d think they’d be able to afford a domain name for their email addresses.

  • I’m proud of the FBI for using yahoo. I’m sure it’s just as secure as their own intranet. That’s been hacked into hundreds of times. Probably how those horrid scammers have been cheating all those innocent people. Yahoo’s the way to go. And it’s free. It’s about time we saved some money.

    Maybe you can buy a whole Target store with the money.

    Or a tattoo. A tattoo with Ronald Hosko’s name on it! That would be sweet!

  • I work part time at a bank… you would be surprised how many people fall for letters like this and get scammed out of money. This is the first time I have seen one from the “FBI”

    And yes, they are all written like this. Anyone that just takes the time to dissect the letter and think about it for more than ten seconds will know it is complete bull shit.

  • The best one of these I got was from Arafat’s Widow (not to be confused with ‘Epstein’s Mother’) who claimed her husband’s former flunkies in the PLO, or PA, or Hezbollah, or whatever they were calling themselves, were keeping her from her rightful share of old Yasser’s money. If I helped her, she would CUT ME IN.

    I didn’t. I hope the poor woman isn’t begging in the streets of Jerusalem because of me.

  • I didn’t bother reading the rest, but congrats, bro! Raking in the dough. I know the FBI gets a bad rep sometimes, especially with all those grammar mistakes in their emails, but hey, great heads up by them! Don’t spend it all in one place.

  • hey man, since you’re about to be super rich, can I borrow some cash? Let me know and I’ll get you my account information so you can wire it there. I’ll be waiting patiently for the transfer.

    (page looks great Chuck, nice work on it!)

    • Hey Josh, they just offered me five mill, not much but if u send me bank acct info I will gladly send u some money! These worthless bastards must think Americans r stupid!

  • I forget where I read this (probably Cracked) but someone has made the point that these scams are so transparently terrible PURELY so that only the MOST INCREDIBLY GULLIBLE will fall for them. That must be a mighty tricky filter to write.

  • And look at that, as if you put the whammy on me, I just got one from a dying man who will give me 10% of his SIXTY-FIVE MILLION US DOLLARS if I help him distribute it to charitable organizations throughout America. Maybe I can give some of it to Arafat’s Widow.

  • I laughed until I started coughing, and then I choked on my own sputum and coughed some more. Now I’m all red, and my face feels hot, and I’m wheezing slightly. Be careful where you point that word-cannon … you could kill someone!

  • Those FBI guys are always looking out for us! Why just the other day, they send me a kind email alerting me to the fact that my PayPal account had been compromised, and begged me to log in through their special link and update and confirm all my information. It was nice of them to go out of their way like that.

    I know all this internet policing must be taking a toll on their resources, because the poor person who was assigned to type the email to me was just as addlepated as the person who typed your email! Poor dears. Someone needs to send their secretarial pool out for a nice lunch or something so they can have a chance to recover their command of the English language.

    Yeah, right. The saddest thing is if people didn’t fall for these, they wouldn’t keep sending them. It just makes me want to scream. I mean, they might be entertaining, but I can’t believe anyone still doesn’t know these are a scam. It’s just sad.

  • It’s good to know that the FBI protects the investments of american citizens, despite falling on such hard times that they are forced to use yahoo as their e-mail client. Or were you a former agent and didn’t tell us, Chuck?

  • Also, it is interesting that they managed to track you down over 7 months, get your e-mail off of the internet, and don’t have a clue if you are a ‘sir’ or ‘madam’…

  • Wow. I am impressed by their forward thinking-ness. My library, on the other hand, just received a classic Nigerian bank scam letter the other day – via FAX. #oldschool

  • December 11, 2012 at 8:01 PM // Reply

    Dear Mister Wendig,

    We at the FIB have sent an agent stalking you for the last 4 years. He has discovered your deadly cactus masturbation problem. He infers you switch to porkupines instead, but hey, a guy’s gotten do what a giys gotta do, right?

    Wrong. Shotgun in my hand. Shoots a penguin.

  • I got caught up in the tangle of transfers!

    So, once upon a time, the Wendig did something awesome that scored a giant payday from someone in witness protection. However, witness protection being a major plot in everything ever, the *name withheld* (payee) disappeared, and was replaced with a plant, er, a person who wasn’t the witness. The replacement noticed a giant bank account, and upon receiving the billing statement from the Wendig, the replacement decided that payment should not be forthcoming! Oh, the horror!

    Meanwhile, in the FBI, a prominant guy loses a bet and is forced to take up secretarial duties for a coworker. The secretary he is replacing must have inside knowledge of the replacement’s bank dealings. Diligent replacement that he is, the new secretary seizes upon this piece of flotsam and sends it to the investigative department. That is, the next passing person, because obviously the whole building is the investigative department. That person, taking it for an actual duty assignment, followed it up and discovered that money was indeed owed somewhere. At this point, the buck was passed to a credit agency, then to a third level clerk’s intern who mistyped it in google, then checked all seven billion youtube videos. In the process they nearly instated SOPA, but at last, with the help of an underpaid internship director, the information was retyped properly and they floundered upon a book review of “Mockingbirds.” The intern then paid his little brother a dollar to send you an email, and the poor second-grader mangled the details in the contact letter. And there was some pizza in there somewhere.

    Anyway, now a poor deluded second grader with impared reading skills is primed to strong-arm a replacement for a federal witness in order to recover money that the replacement technically doesn’t owe and send it part and parcel to the Wendig without taking so much as a dollar, other than the one his brother owes him.

    Who is this kid, mini-Chuck Norris??!!

    Your life is awesome. ;)

  • A lot of the grammar and usage errors are indicative of someone coming to English from Mandarin. I teach ESL in China; I’ve seen a lot of them before. I’d wager this one originates in China.

Speak Your Mind, Word-Nerds