In Which It Is Time To Invoke New Policies With A Stomp Of The Wendigo’s Hoof

It’s time, I’m afraid, for some Terribleminds-flavored Wendig-themed policies up in here.

Or, put differently, it’s time to be a dick.

I hate to do it but, lately I’ve been getting… lots of emails. And the occasional tweets or Facebook message or G+ missive. I’m getting lots of folks asking me for lots of different things.

And most of the time, for a number of reasons, I can’t help you. Or I’m the wrong person to ask. Or you should know better. So, here I am. Being a big ol jerky-faced jerk-machine.

Apologies in advance. But here are the declarations. (They’ll go up in the menu bar eventually.)

Will You Read My [Novel / Script / Manifesto / Insane Screed]?

Mmmnope. Sorry! I’ll try to be polite about it if you ask, unless I’m having a bad day, in which case I’ll just point you to this. The reasons I won’t read your [whatever] are many.

I’m busy. I have books to write. Blogs to post. And there is a 14-month-old human tornado who fills my life with joy and chaos and sharp toys that stab me in the sole of my foot.

I’m also busy reading other stuff. Research. Work from colleagues and friends. Weird porn.

I also have books and things I want to read, but don’t have much time to do as it stands.

I also don’t want you to sue me.

I also don’t want to read your work and have it inform my work.

So, no, I won’t.

This (and many of the “policies” below) isn’t necessarily true if you and I are friends. Like, actual friends or at least well-established colleagues, not like, “Person I occasionally tweet to online.”

Will You Blurb My Book?

I may. But, like I already said, I’m hella busy.

Here’s my current blurb rules:

I prefer hard copies to electronic copies whenever possible.

If I don’t know you, you’re better off having an agent or editor contact me.

I can’t commit to a short deadline. (“I need a blurb by tomorrow at 2:3o!”)

I cannot promise a blurb, but I can promise I’ll try.

I may not like your book. Not because it’s bad but because, hey, tastes are tastes.

I am far less likely to consider blurbing a self-published book because, regrettably, the line between “unpublished manuscript” and “soon-to-be-self-published book” is razor thin. I am pro-indie author but I’ve seen far too many self-published books that just don’t meet the level of quality needed.

If I know you, your chances just went way, way up.

Will You Retweet My Tweet?

Probably not.

I know, it’s for your Kickstarter. Or your friend. Or your friend’s mom. Or charity! Who doesn’t love charity?

The problem? I get a lot of these requests. And I like to think that, while I’m no “tastemaker” (the very word makes my mouth taste like I just licked a dirty battery), I hope that when I do retweet something it’s something that my audience will dig. Maybe I like it and I want them to like it. Maybe it’s not for me but I think it’ll be for them. Maybe I just got a wild hair up my ass. Who knows?

Occasionally I’ll get the sentiment — “But I retweet your stuff!” — and to that I say, I appreciate that. However, my sincerest hope is that you’re spreading around stuff because you honestly like it, not because you think it’s some kind of favor. I mean it with no bile on my tongue when I say, please, don’t do that. Retweet my stuff because you think it’s awesome, not because you imagine it’s going into some kind of weird social media credit account. And if my stuff isn’t awesome, for heaven’s sake, don’t spread it around.

And, regarding charity: I am all for charity. Everybody’s got their own charitable inclinations and I don’t judge where or how you send your money to charity (only that I hope you do). If you really want me to check it out, you can bounce me the link over Twitter, and ask me to look at it.

Again: if I know you or you’re a friend, the rules are different.

Can I Write A Guest Blog For You?

Nope!

I’m sorry. I’m not accepting guest blogs at this time. I’d love to but frankly, I think your Awesome Blog Post would do very well at your own Awesome Blog Space. That said, if I ever open up a slot for guest posts, I will announce it here at the blog. I shall be traveling a great deal come fall, and may have some space. I can’t pay, but will give free books. Don’t pitch me a post, though — look for announcements on the blog.

Will You Write A Guest Blog For Me?

It’s unlikely! I do write guest blogs sometime for:

a) People I know and like!

b) People who are awesome and I respect and admire!

c) Big-ass blogs with big-ass traffic, because I am a big-ass word-whore!

d) Blogs that pay money! (Which is to say, a real rara avis.)

Can I Be A Subject Of A Terribleminds Interview?

Maybe! You can apply at terribleminds at gmail dot com.

I interview storytellers and writers of any stripe.

I am again prejudiced against indie writers. Not universally, of course, so you’re free to try. But I get indie writers hitting me up 2:1 and much of the time I’m not precisely impressed.

I am looking for people with interesting stories interested in then talking about stories. Just having a book out is not really a guaranteed “great interview.” What’s your hook? Pitch me on the interview.

A warning: I am seriously, seriously back-logged with interview requests. Interviews and responses are at present slow to come as the queue is quite, erm, treacly right now.

Can I Interview You For My Own Personal Online Space?

Lucky you! I love to talk about myself and my upcoming books!

Hit me at terribleminds at gmail dot com.

I Want To Send You Something Via Snail Mail!

Is it ticking? Twitching? Leaking? Vibrating? Screaming profanities at me from within its cardboard prison? Is it a Dybbuk Box? Is it Gweneth Paltrow’s head? IS IT ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD?

You can hit me up at terribleminds at gmail, and I will maybe give you an address. Maybe.

Where Is My Comment?

You left a comment at terribleminds, and it ain’t here?

A few things may have happened.

First, it’s awaiting moderation. I’ll get to it sometime, er, today.

Second, it’s clogged in the spam chute. It happens. I’ll hopefully find it, if not, use the contact form to alert me that you think you ended up somewhere in the pipes like a wad of oily hair.

Third, I deleted it. Rare, but does happen. Maybe I didn’t like your comment. Or I thought you were a jerk, troll or spammer. (This is not a cheerocracy, I’m afraid. Your right to free speech doesn’t apply at my blog.)

Can We Work Together?

Do I know you? Then maybe!

Are you a stranger? Then probably not!

Can I Repurpose Your Blog Post?

You may not. I mean, okay, technically you can — nobody is stopping you. I’m not going to call John Q. Internet Law, Jr. on you. But I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t nab my content and make it your own. You can, however, excerpt the blog and link back to the original. I’d appreciate the traffic driven here not, y’know, elsewhere. You nabbing my blog content is not a favor for me.

I have on occasion made exceptions for this for people I know or for awesome blogs with big signal boosts (Ted Hope has reblogged a few of my posts, as has the SFWA). But those are edge cases.

Are You The Wendigo, The Ancient Beast Of Native American Lore?

I am. But only when I’ve had a lot to drink.