The “Push Like You’re Pooping” Guest Blog-A-Palooza

So, it’s like this: I’m writing that book above for Abaddon Press. “A vampire in zombieland,” you might call it. It is going along according to plan and according to schedule. Hey! Huzzah! Woo! *does an embarrassing dance that causes all who gaze upon it to throw putrid food products at my gamboling choromaniac body*

Still, though. Book’s due mid-April, and I want to leave myself some room to breathe — a little cushion for my pushin’ – at the fore of that month just to let me give the book a final kick in the ass and one solid edit before sending it off. And blogging, while fun and wonderful, saps some of the writing time out of my week. I generally write about 4-5k per day, but that includes a blog post in that mix. If I eradicate the blog post — even for one week — then a little more of that sweet sweet word count comes flowing back into the book.

But, I don’t want to take time off from this space, either. I’ve been diligently keeping this site updated every day, and I’d like to maintain the illusion, however precious, that such effort matters. (Don’t spoil it by telling me it doesn’t matter and I’m allowed to take a week off. Imagine my ego as a crinkly glass snowflake beneath your boot which is poised indelicately above it.)

So, that means:

Guest blog time again!

I want to solicit you, my crazy-ass ever-awesome readers, to contribute some blog content for the week of April 4th (Monday) to April 8th (Friday). That means I need five blog posts from five different peeps.

Interested?

Okay, here’s the deal.

I can’t pay you in money. I can, however, pay in sexual favors. … uhh. I mean, in reciprocal blog posts. You write me a post, I can contribute a post to your blog in the near-future. I don’t believe that “exposure” is an entirely meaningful metric, but these days, this site does get a fair number of looky-loos (this month, averaging ~5,000 per day). Which means you can and should pimp and/or cross-post to your own blog, and if you also have a book or a game or some Etsy store selling alpaca-yarn cock-sweaters to pimp, hey, pimp it good. In fact, if you have a book out or something and want to write a post about how you wrote that book and why people should buy it, that’ll totally work as a blog idea. Throw it into the mix!

If you want in, hit the comments below and throw your hat into the ring with your topic and, if possible, a brief description of the post. I’ll pick the five posters tomorrow morning (Wednesday 3/16) and will list them here. Then I’ll need the posts in my inbox (chuckwendig [at] terribleminds [dot] com) by Friday, April 1st. Er, no, that’s not an April Fool’s Joke. Posts should be somewhere between 500 – 1000 words.

Posts can be on any topic near and dear to you. Topics near and dear to terribleminds are writing, games, food, and what-not, but you are by no means limited to what I would talk about.

You are free to be as mouthy and profane as you like.

So, if you’re in — hey, I appreciate it. Hit the comments below. I can only pick five, really, but don’t worry, I’ll probably need to do this again once the Tiny Human Hurricane is born in June, upending all aspects of my life, throwing them around the room like a goddamn poltergeist.

Again, my sexual favors thanks.

EDIT:

THE FIGHTERS FOR THUNDERDOME — er, I mean, the guest-blog-a-palooza — HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.

*banging of a drum which are actually the skulls of fallen bloggers*

Marko Kloos: Writing While Parenting Small Chilluns

James Melzer: Muse Whore!

Rick Carroll: The Box

Dan O’Shea: Doctor Dan’s Parenting Advice

Lee Robson: Writerly Egos

Stephen Blackmoore: Pushing Boundaries

Fred Hicks: In Which Fred Answers A Question Of His Choice

Austin Wulf: The DIY Writer Punk

Lisa Killian: Voice Before Quota

Karina Cooper: How Not To Be A Dickface While Writing

There you go.

You’ll note some redundancies — these are on-purpose as I kind of want to see certain topics handled from different viewpoints.

I will say very clearly that this was a stupidly difficult choice because, hot damn you all brought your A-game. These were just the ones I responded to personally. I mean, after all, this blog is all about me, for I am a solipsistic cock-waffle.

You will note that I have chosen 10 instead of five. Five will go up that week, and the other five will go up either the following week (if I still need the time to polish the ‘script) or during the Birth of Der Wendigspawn, which will be late May/early June.

Thank you all for throwing your hats in the ring.

Next time I do this, I may take @Amy’s idea and choose a single topic and five folks who will talk about said topic.

48 comments

  • I’m game. But I know me: I do better answering a question than with a blank slate. So if you want me here, tell me what question I’m gonna be stomping on, and I will stomp the crap out of that little fucker.

  • I’d dig writing a post about how being a freelance/self-employed writer is punk. It’d focus on DIY ideals and freedom and compare the punk rock movement to indie or self-published writing.

  • Hey! I’ve had an idea rolling around in the old noggin about the importance of finding your voice before filling your quota. Basically, if I meet my quota before my voice comes to the party, the resulting day’s work is always… Well, le shite. Got character voice, got good draft. Eh?

    Lisa

  • Ooooh, I’m always up for sexual favours.

    Seriously, the people who read and comment on my blog (who are AWESOME, BTW) are so completely and diametrically opposed to your people over here, I think it would be great fun to smush them all together for a day. It would be like cats and dogs attending a recovering necrophiliac iguana poetry reading for… never mind. I’m not very good at analogies.

    I have nothing to pimp and am clueless when it comes to games and alpaca yarn cock sweaters (you made that up, right? please tell me you made that up), but I’m pretty sure I can write something about writers or writing or at least something that will make people laugh. Or snarl. Hey, I’ve been doing this for more than four years and I’m telling you, sometimes people snarl. [shrug] Better than yawning.

    But mostly? I’m LMAO at the thought of you “reciprocating” and writing a post at my blog. Now THAT is something I’d pay good money (or sexual favours) to see. Except… you’re more charming than I am. Trust me, you are. And then my readers would all defect and come over here instead. Damn. Okay, I’ve got a couple weeks. I’ll come up with a blog post AND a way to blackmail my readers into mindless loyalty. BWAHAHAHA [cough] HA!

  • Lisa, you stole my idea! Doh! I was thinking as I read this that I have a great idea for a post about not finishing a draft for years and then your voice changes and the text becomes inconsistent, and how that all ties into the idea of how revision is often misunderstood as editing. Ah, well. I was too slow getting here.

    In that case, Chuck, I could do a post regarding setting small, attainable goals and being able to still find time to write even when your day job and personal life get too hectic. I’d even take it so far as to tie it to reading, too!

    I’ve also been wanting to write about self-publishing’s revolutionary rhetoric.

    Or, failing that, there’s always Beej’s Guide to Being Ridiculously Awesome. It’s a How-To.

  • As a gamer, geek, writer, and purveyor of the strange I am more than willing to leave a blog post in your inbox for your use.
    My subject is quite simple really: writing what you know. Namely in finding strange adventures in real life. Places to look for semi secret societies (yes they exist), odd locations, and how to discreetly observe the stranger of the human race around you.
    Return pimping would be lovely but really even just getting writing out there is always nice for me.
    My blog is very young, after all it started thanks to flash fiction ideas here. But even pimping the young can help (that came out wrong).

  • I’m game. I even have a timely topic that will be relevant at Das Wendighaus soon: Writing While Parenting Small Children, alternatively titled “That Way Lies Madness.”

    You want it, I’ll write it.

    Also: Alpaca-yarn cock-sweaters? Brilliant idea.

    • Okay, @Fred and anybody else looking for inspiration, here’s a question if you feel you need one to answer:

      “What in this world inspires you, and what can kill your inspiration dead in its tracks?”

      Also, a special one for @Fred –

      “How do you navigate the many goods and profound evils of social media and The Mighty Intertubes?”

      – c.

  • I think I’d like to ramble a bit about how e-readers aren’t going to be the death of books, how they actually help authors starting out and the role they play in modern self-promotion.

  • Well, if you want something tediously boring, I could blog about legal issues. I’m thinking specifically of going through a freelance contract and explaining what the terms mean. I could spice it up by using a sample contract for the harvesting and sale of unicorn penises or something. And I could answer questions on other legal subjects in the comment section.

  • I’d say good luck finishing the book up, but you don’t need it, right? :)

    I wasn’t going to offer to guest blog at all because my blog is paltry and I’ve only recently committed to how I’m going to be updating it. And because my readership and your readership are so different and ne’er the twain should meet, until I realized that the importance of reading outside your comfort zone could be a fun guest blog. But I don’t have anything that needs promoting, your blog wouldn’t benefit from cross-pollination with a blog that has so low a readership as mine, and so I don’t expect you to want the post, but if you do I’d enjoy writing it.

  • before you briefly disappear, a question: (!)

    I know you don’t like origin stories, but how do you feel about prologues in movies before lets say the titles, setting things up for us, showing, not telling, cutting out future exposition or do you like just stepping in and seeing the characters for how they are when the story starts? is including a prologue of how they met, etc., etc., insulting to an audience? I’d be very interested in what you think being a past pupil of the Sundance Lab! I hope I’m articulating what I’m trying to get across. ie, the audience can come to the same conclusion that the writer, actor or audience could come to about certain things. perhaps vague is best. if someone is a drug dealer we don’t need to see how they came to be that way and piece the parts together ourselves…have I answered my own questions?! :)

    also good luck finishing the book!

  • What inspires me huh? If I have to sum it up in a sentence, two things, duality and sex. Duality in the sense of anything where two supposedly opposite things work together, or the boundaries between opposites. Sex, not in the physical sense but in the sociological one, the cultural history of attitudes to sexual practices for example, courtesans through the ages, eunuchs and castrati. That any good to you as a subject? That or I can ramble about being a girl who likes games (computer and roleplay).

  • I’d love to do a guest post; a topic which immediately leaps to mind would be something like ‘Letting the B**stard Out: Writing Unsympathetic Protagonists’. In short, discussing the risks and rewards of making your protag believably sociopathic, and how you can go about letting your reader empathise while still cheering every time they get screwed over ;)

    Alternatively, I’ve also got some further thoughts on narrative in games, particularly the conflict between freedom of action and linear narrative.

  • Hi Chuck, I’ve been anticipating something like this for a while, and I’d like to pitch a post to you.

    I’m a copywriter full-time, and as a direct result I have a completely insane work ethic, typing speed and ability to churn out copy. But at the same time, while that makes me fast, it doesn’t make me an instant win at churning out, say, a novel, or a short story.

    I’d like to write a post about approaching writing fiction after working your day-job as a copywriter, journalist, researcher, editor, and so on. About what to do when you’re a veteran at hitting the ole’ keyboard with reckless abandon, then attempting to write about fictional, crazy people and bizarre universes and realising that you’re going to have to work harder than someone who’s simply approaching this as a doctor, or a lawyer, or a shop-owner, or someone who works on the tills at a supermarket.

    Learning a new skill is not something to fear, but having to develop an entirely new approach to something you’re a veteran of certainly is. I’d like to use myself as an example, delving into my background as both a copywriter and a former games journalist specialising in narrative, the shift from writing marketing copy and commenting on stories to writing fictional works and actually writing the stories for others to comment on.

    I hope this sounds appealing enough, and like I said – I’m a copywriter, so you know I’m good for the deadline, sir.

    Cheers for the opportunity.

  • Great idea, Chuck, and allow me to throw my hat in to the ring for a guest blog. I’d like to do a post on using your muse as a whore. In other words, getting your muse to work for you instead of the other way around. Because, honestly, if I waited for the bitch to show up everyday before I started writing, I’d never get a thing done. Know what I mean, Vern?

    Cheers!

  • I’m a long time reader (but first time commenter), so I feel a little shameless popping up like this to pitch my hat into the ring. And I know my next sentence won’t win me any new fans here, but…

    I’d like to take a crack at writing a post about the ego and attitude of writers, and how it can help and hinder you. I’ve met writers who are the loveliest people on the face of the planet, but I’ve also met writers – and other creative types – who have their heads so far up their own backsides, it’s not even funny.

    I’ve primarily written comics over the last couple of years (but I’m taking everything I’ve learned about storytelling and dialogue and trying to put it back into prose writing), so I understand working with people (artists, and more relevant to this, I think, editors) to bring the story together. But I’ve been stunned by the dismissive and confrontational attitude of some people, to the point it’s made me realise that having a certain level of ego is healthy, but you have to know when you reign it in.

    Alternatively, I could always do a post about what you can learn from other mediums (such as comics, screenwriting etc) and how to bring that into your own work.

    And I will swear. A lot.

  • Wow. Ha. Heh. Fart.

    So yeah, I’m trying to get my lazy writer-ass back into line, so I’d love to do this. The topic? The Box, and how your unique little snowflake ass is stuck firmly inside it. A basic look at rebelling for fun and profit, and a glance at some of the subcultures. I’ll use lots of dirty words, and probably make thinly veiled references to boobies, hoo-hoos, and tally whackers.

    Do it, motherfucker. You know you want to. OBEY!

  • Just want to say, I read all the comments and I’d be interested in reading Lee Robson’s post the most – because it seems the most fun and I’m an artist and boy-oh-boy can I relate.

    I’d offer to help, but I’m not a writer, I’m an artist who really likes to smear my opinion all over the orifice that is the internet. I’d probably make people who regularly read your blog go “huh?” :)

  • I could write something for you. How about this? Does an education in creative writing make you a better writer, or should you save your money, plant your ass in front of your computer and use your words? Are good writers born or can they be taught into existence?

  • Writing? Nah. Food? Soylent Green kinda said it all, didn’t it? Gaming? I guess I could ramble on about the virtues of Monopoly, but you kids today with the blinkity blink and the razzy-ma-tazz, who’d listen? Here’s what you need, sport. Parenting advice. With the Wendispawn probably starting to tap dance on the ol’ cervix, you’d best get your mind right, and I’m just the guy to, eh, well . . .

    So, yeah. Parenting advice. There you go.

    Dan

  • I will definitely throw my hat in the ring (what does that even mean!?). I’ve been working on an original IP tabletop sci fi rpg for awhile now. It’s a little old school in that it has a very developed, very sprawling story and world for the setting. I’m also creating my own game engine for it. My post would be about my experience starting out small and then, almost on a daily basis, realizing how many more systems and mechanics I need to build up. It would basically be about my incredibly haphazard form of game development.

  • Goddamn it I’ll actually finish the comment before I post this time! Okay. Where was I…. I’d love the opportunity to do mental anguish to your readers while opening up their intellectual orifices.

    The topic? Writers as their own bosses, or “Play Fightclub With Yourself” (Before Someone Really Does Get Hurt).

    From the glib to the sage, some points to mull about shooting for being a professional writer, not just a candy-assed ‘artiste’.

    Now go get your paid words in Chuck… I’m sure you’ll find sufficient tyrants to mind yer store!

  • I’d love to offer you a little guest bloggery. In keeping with last week’s Boot Camp theme, my post would cover how I quit lying to myself about wanting to grow up to be a writer someday and how instead, I quit whining, shut up and, you know, started writing — at 37 years old, with a full time job, and four small kids.

    Also, there’s a pretty good chance I’m the only person offering to blog that regularly references Oompa Loompas. You know you want some Oompa Loompa action up in Der Wendighaus.

  • @ B.J. — I’m sorry! But! We know have a new connection! Yay!

    @Chuck — My post idea actually answers your question! Without a clear voice in mind, the words don’t sound as good. They get mechanical and become filler. To me, nothing kills inspiration deader in its tracks than not knowing the sound of your own voice.

    Lisa

  • I think we all dream of writing for a living with the illusion that it will “free” us from the oppressive shackles of office work. So, okay, we don’t work 9-to-5. We don’t have to sit in a cubicle crammed next to the guy who insists on listening to his radio “at a reasonable volume.” I mean, dammit, Sandra listens on her headphones while she’s filing, so he should be able to do it while he’s collating, right?

    Anyhoo…writing isn’t always about WRITING. Office work is an unavoidable part of trying to get published…something pen monkey rooks may not realize. Let me educate them.

  • I would love to blog post, later in that week — since I’ll be on a pilgrimage to Amargosa in Death Valley Junction March 31-April 5.

    Does look like, however, you may have enough volunteers.

    Curse you time-zone handicap! Oh and we’ll likely be the first to get hit with the Nuclear Death Cloud, too.

    If not, I’m about to leave certainity behind and jump into the world of full-time writer, so that subject is ripe for the picking. Or I can talk about how the ghosts of a desert opera house have infected my life. Or maybe how lots of quid pro quo sexual …er…reciprocal favors writers should stick together like thieves, as Hemingway said.

  • I’m in. Here’s my topic: Writers are performers just like musicians and circus freaks…but probably closer to circus freaks.

    Also, no pressure, my birthday is that week. :-D

  • I’m game, but all I’ve got is pimpage for my latest novel, Lightning of Her Own, a (deep breath) young-adult post-apocalyptic dystopian future history alien invasion coming-of-age romance western with hints of steampunkery.

    If you want that, I can do it!

  • I could totally do a blog post on how to avoid swearing and profanity while writing.
    .
    .
    .
    Kidding! I’m too intimidated by your 5000 readers to suggest anything. Well, not all 5000, just that one over there, with the stalkerish expression. But I look forward to reading the ones you choose!

  • Sounds fun. I’m up for that.

    I’ve been thinking about doing a post over at LA Noir on pushing fiction boundaries. How far is too far, what sorts of things can you get away with? Are there taboos that you simply can’t break? Or do you get more bang for your buck if you only stretch the hell out of them? If you’re game, let me know.

  • I’ll give you pirates (my area of knowledge – both the experience of sailing and an entertaining true tale or two), and I’ll do it for free*. With a picture.

    Louise Curtis

    *I don’t want your greasy fingerprints on my sweet innocent blog, you scurvy piece of mouth-filth.

  • Oh duh. When you said “if possible” I thought stating a topic was optional. Way to not let a person be all mysterious, dude.

    The topic most on my mind lately has to do with the part-time writer/full-time something else and deadlines and creativity and how much time is enough and why people should stop whining about how busy they are. Is that specific enough?

    With blog posts, I’m not always sure what I want to say until after I write it and clean it up and it sometimes turns out to be a different thing altogether. Tell you what, if you choose me I’ll write two posts and send them to you well before your deadline and you can pick one.

    FWIW, I want to read a post from Jennifer Who Claims She Isn’t a Writer. And Louise Curtis who just made me snort ice water up my nose. And also probably six others. Some good ideas here.

  • Idea: Psychological benefits of writing for contests. Complete with perils and pitfalls on the side.

    Request: If selected, can I do the Thursday (4/7) post?

    Thanks!
    K

  • I’m game. Best I can offer is to leave your 5000 a day site in shambles. Maybe leave you with 328 visitors, but I can’t guarantee that number.

    Also, I’m pretty experienced with the whole “pushing” thing, so I know I can get some crap out for your blog.

    Again, this is the very best I can do.

  • Heh. Heh heh. I would totally guest blog. MUA HA HA

    Er, I mean. Um. I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t say “butt” a lot.

    Christ, what a trainwreck I’d be. But Trainwrecks are amusing, right?

    Might be neat for your guest blog week to pick a broad topic and have five people in different industries write their thoughts and experience on said-topic.

  • This? This is fun.

    I would enjoy guest posting. Topic? Mmmm… Chuck’s Sexual Favors.

    No, wait… There’s a lot of talk about how to write, what to write, where to write, what to wear to write (pantslessness!) but there’s nothing about How Not to Be a Dickface While Writing. That’s a temporary title… Actually, I was pondering the topic myself. There’s not a lot of non-stuffy info out there about the kind of “appearances” you need to keep up when writing is your career and your primary connection with people is the intarwebz. I think it’d be fun.

    That’s my topic idea. But not the title… That title needs work.

    But you have a lot to choose from, so I can’t wait to read these!

  • Ah heck, I’m in too; especially since I know I’m a long shot. My topic would totally be fandom. Yes, fandom; both the good and bad sides of it from both the PoV of the creator and the PoV of a fan.

    I think I’d start with the Law of Fandom Jackassery – “The amount of jackassery in a fandom is a function of the fandom’s obscurity” – and work from there. After all, there’s great fun to be found in forming a community around your favorite media; but there’s also fan-wank to be had, along with unreasonable expectations and Mary Sues. And of course, there are good and bad ways for creators to react to fandom – you can be a reasonable, polite and well-respected person, or you can compare your fans to rapists and pediphiles because they dare to violate your work by having fun with it.

    Of course, I figure I can exaggerate the bad behavior for humor’s sake.

  • Counter offer: I want to guest blog for you a post about how I’m feeling as I begin trying to write my first novel, and why I’m finding it so scary/difficult, and how I’m trying to overcome this. In exchange, I don’t want you to guest blog — I’d like you to, should I succeed in finishing my first novel, review it.

    Whattya say?

  • Let’s see…

    I’d be totally into doing a post on single parenting and writing. Something about how I balanced work, military service, school, kids, and my own writing without the ability to lean on someone else for support.

    Or… I could give my opinion on genre-bias people, like those that think romance is just porn, or fantasy is only for 40 year old bearded virgin men who live in their parent’s basement. But who really wants to hear my opinion?

    Or I could talk about the difference between writing masturbation and actually writing. Because everything is funnier with the word masturbation in it. Also the word poop, but that’s beside the point.(However, I could throw that one in as a bonus, if you really want, because it makes me giggle. Poop. Hehe.)

  • Chuck,

    I recall you mentioning you wanted me to talk about my experiences with making Finis, my charity anthology a few years back. I could talk about that.

    Or about how to for a day get ranked in the #10 in Google for “mouthy fuck.” Short answer: be one.

    I can also do a topic on request. Because I AM MACKLIN

    - Ryan

  • Recently at a newspaper job interview (It makes me sick to say “job interfjsdeiojf”..see, I can’t!), I was told that if I didn’t know what I wanted to do by the time I was 26 (I wonder how they came up with that number), I’d never have a career. All because I told them I quit my last job to travel and be a bum for 6 months with all my savings.

    Of course, I’m 23 and of course, they were tools. This brings me to what I could write about, since I’m on this eternal quest not to sell out and be happy, while going to job interviews. I’d like to write about what not to believe in the big bad world of cube-riding, with examples from my own profession. I am sort of a writer but a very limited one for those 8 hours. People really are full of crap for the most part and I’d like to call them out.

    • THE FIGHTERS FOR THUNDERDOME — er, I mean, the guest-blog-a-palooza — HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.

      *banging of a drum which are actually the skulls of fallen bloggers*

      Marko Kloos: Writing While Parenting Small Chilluns
      James Melzer: Muse Whore!
      Rick Carroll: The Box
      Dan O’Shea: Doctor Dan’s Parenting Advice
      Lee Robson: Writerly Egos
      Stephen Blackmoore: Pushing Boundaries
      Fred Hicks: In Which Fred Answers A Question Of His Choice
      Austin Wulf: The DIY Writer Punk
      Lisa Killian: Voice Before Quota
      Karina Cooper: How Not To Be A Dickface While Writing

      There you go.

      You’ll note some redundancies — these are on-purpose as I kind of want to see certain topics handled from different viewpoints.

      I will say very clearly that this was a stupidly difficult choice because, hot damn you all brought your A-game. These were just the ones I responded to personally. I mean, after all, this blog is all about me, for I am a solipsistic cock-waffle.

      You will note that I have chosen 10 instead of five. Five will go up that week, and the other five will go up either the following week (if I still need the time to polish the ‘script) or during the Birth of Der Wendigspawn, which will be late May/early June.

      Thank you all for throwing your hats in the ring.

      Next time I do this, I may take @Amy’s idea and choose a single topic and five folks who will talk about said topic.

      – c.

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