On This Day Of The Foot And The Ball, We Will Instead Speak Of Puppies

Baby Seal

Yep. I’m one of those guys who watches the Puppy Bowl, not the Super Bowl.

That may put my masculinity in question, I dunno. Here, let me fix that: I also like Sarah McLachlan and one of my favorite TV shows of all time is Gilmore Girls.

Wait, that probably didn’t fix anything. Shit.

Uhhh.

I like guns?

My favorite movie is Die Hard?

I have a mighty beard that destroys my enemies in its tangle of choking vines?

I dunno. It may be too late for me.

Well, whatever. The Super Bowl hasn’t really ever been a thing in any incarnation of Der Wendighaus. We were a baseball family, which is not to say we were a family made of anthropomorphic baseballs but rather, we watched a lot of baseball. I still dig the World Series. And I also love the Oscars. The Oscars are my own Nerd Super Bowl.

I’ve tried watching the Super Bowl. Ehhh? Muh? I just don’t get it. I get bored. Is that weird? I watch it, I get bored. It seems like the game is mostly about not playing the game. Dang, a football game is 60 minutes, split into four 15-minute quarters, right? So, why then does the game start at 6PM and end at 10:30PM (provided it doesn’t run over)? It takes four-and-a-half hours to play an hour-long game? The rest of it is commercials and time-outs and replays and analysis and more commercials and then there’s a flurry of activity for 30 seconds where someone kicks over the bee-hive and then it’s back to commercials and time-outs and guys punching each other in the balls or whatever. Plus, that doesn’t even account for the two hour “pre-game.” Which is not, as the term suggests, the game before the game.

The Wall Street Journal estimates that in every football game, the ball is actually only in play for 11 minutes. Counter that with hockey, where it’s action action action at every turn.

When I watch the Super Bowl, I mostly want to take a nap. I’d rather watch a game of Monopoly.

Played by old people and children.

But again, everybody’s got their thing. Hell, I like the Oscars. The last Oscar telecast was, I think, 17 hours long. And they estimated that at least 21% of the audience committed suicide during the show. I mean, goddamn, getting through the Oscars is like watching snot dry on a little kid’s face. And the World Series next year is supposed to be “Best Out Of 31.” God forbid they play one game to settle anything.

Really, what I’m saying is, fuck yeah, puppies.

Man, if I’m having a bad day, the only thing I need to do is look at puppies. Puppies are a panacea. If I ever get cancer — and, given my family history, that day is coming — I plan on engaging in my own personal form of puppy therapy, which is to say I will be watching an endless loop of puppy videos. Hell, I might even buy a bunch of puppies and live with them as their pack mentor. I wonder: if you rub puppies on cancer tumors, do the cancer tumors go “Awwww!” and then slowly deflate?

Science is slow to pick up on the “puppy panacea” theory, which is why I say, screw you, science. America doesn’t need you. We only need puppies, baseball, and Jesus. And Democracy. But mostly Jesus.

Man, I’m rambling this morning.

Really, what I’m saying is, fuck yeah, puppies.

Take a moment out of your day, if you care, and deposit into the comments below something — anything, really — about puppies. What’s the cutest puppy? Got a puppy picture with a high-larious caption? Puppy video? Anything at all. Let’s engage in a little puppy therapy.

Here, let me get the ball rolling.

First: courtesy of Stacia Decker and Matthew Funk, the cutest designer puppy ever: the Pomeranian Husky mix, also known as the “Pomsky.”

Second: Lab puppies in slow motion.

Third: Iso, the dachshund puppy, playing in the snow (also in slow motion).

Fourth: “Puppy Can’t Get Up.”

Fifth and finally: Puppy Wakes Up.

There. A little puppy therapy.

Now, your turn. Then go shoot some guns and grow beards and watch Gilmore Girls.

I mean, uhhh, enjoy the Super Bowl.

16 comments

  • I’ve got puppies, by the the 1/2 dozen. My australian shepherds had puppies about ten days ago & right now they are just the cutest fucking guinea pig looking dog creature things you have ever seen. Thankfully the are not getting around to much yet & are just starting to open their eyes. We already found good homes for two of them, four to go. Aww they’re so fucking cute, happiness spreads through me & life smiles upon me.

  • Dear Chuck, masculinity is greatly overrated! And waht does that mean, anyway? And femininity? Should you just drink beer, watch football and burp all the time, to be considered a ‘real man’? Or should your wife just go shopping, giggling all the time and yelling ‘oh, wow!’and ‘how cute!’ everytime she sees something (stupid) that she likes? Come on! She does look like an intelligent woman, also pretty attractive, which makes me wonder how on earth did you manage to take such a woman to the altar. I mean, did you drug her in advance?:) Or maybe not, maybe you were just 2 reasonable persons (a person knows no masculinity or femininity, only good, clever thoughts) who found each other! And by the way, is that your dog? It has an intrinsic beauty of its own! I had a similar one for 10 years, only he was bright red and his name was ‘Bold’. Cheers,
    Luisa

  • PUPPIES! I LOVE PUPPIES!

    They are the cure all for what ails ye.

    My personal favorite is this herd of Wiener dog puppiesdoing cute, adorable puppy things like wrestle with balls of tape and jump on each other. Wiener dogs always make me think of Gary Larson’s Far Side comics.

    This herd of Welsh corgi
    puppies is also adorable. My only complaint is it’s too short.

    One puppy is cute, but the cuteness goes up exponentially as the amount of puppies increase, until you reach an epicenter of cuteness. And then you explode. :D

  • I also can’t stand the Super Bowl. I watch it for the social aspect of it but other than that it’s so boring.

    As for puppies, this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. So dumb. Why in the world would anyoneZOMG PUPPIES! I HAVE DOG PICTURES!!! TONS OF THEM! :D :D :D :D (Or is that :3 :3 :3 :3 ?)

    Sleepy puppy! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v695/Rockawesome/phone055.jpg

    Puppy already asleep. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v695/Rockawesome/phone175.jpg

    My dog being a nerd! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v695/Rockawesome/phone106.jpg

    My dog being considered over something being said on the Internet. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v695/Rockawesome/phone110.jpg

    Choosing not to face the stupidity she flees and hides. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v695/Rockawesome/phone129.jpg

    I could go on but I think I’ll stop for now. o_o;

  • Guess what I did as a little girl? My mother’s friend was a Chow breeder, and I had the privilege of playing with the puppies. Yup, I was bona fide puppy handler/socializer. Made sure they were used to little hands touching them and all the human attention they could handle. (Funnily enough, my brother wasn’t allowed anywhere near the pups. He doesn’t understand the meaning of the word gentle apparently.)

    As such, I move that Chow puppies are by and far the cutest puppies ever. Yes, even the one my parents replaced me with when I moved out of their house. (Not pictured: the one I grew up with in the days before digital photography. But he had a red coat and was beautiful).

    Now I need to write a letter to Animal Planet. Seven years without a Chow player is discrimination!

    • (To be clear, I don’t begrudge anybody watching the Super Bowl. I can see the appeal, and I know a lot of the time accounts for some degree of chess-like war maneuvers. It’s just not my bag of tricks.)

      But yeah.

      PUPPIES.

      @Kate —

      Our older dog is half Belgian Shepherd, half Chow (he has a purple tongue but otherwise appears like an exemplar of a Groenendael).

      — c.

  • We got a new puppy lately. Turns out my parents did not neuter the Lawina, which elicited a thorough |-: from me.

    The story of conception is a hoot and a half itself. This scrawny stray came around lately, jumped the fence and went straight for her bowl and snatched her food once. It kept happening, until one day she caught up to him and he had to pay up. That’s how dad’s telling it.

    Still, the dog first dug out the hole me and Albert have to constantly keep refilling every summer, then decided it was not good for childbirth and dug out another one. She disappeared in it for a couple of weeks, only emerging at night to eat from her bowl.

    Finally, she came out with onlky one puppy. We do not know whether she only gave birth to one or whether the other ones died and she buried them, but with all that milk, he was a plump guy.

    Now, he’s growing up extremely fast. He’s very playful and the vet says he is also very well behaved and smart. Which I cannot tell, because his reaction to seeing me is jumping up… regardless of what is hanging over him. He is constantly jumping and bumping into things and he only listens to my mother’s commands. His face also resembles a bears, which is why we call him Misza.

    Also, with regards to football: I cannot wait for the Euro Cup 2012, as it will be held in Poland and I will be in Spain, watching the trainwreck from afar.

  • Man… I miss having dogs. I have been without a dog of my own for about 15yrs now, instead we have cats, which is now nearly as wonderful as puppies.

    As a kid, my family bred and trained Doberman Pinchers. One of my duties (giggles) was cleaning up after them and like Kate I got to socialize the puppies before my step dad would begin training them. Some of the puppies would become guard dogs so it was some serious business that they were well trained and capable of taking leadership from different people. The majority of the puppies though would become someone’s pet. With a litter every year or so, I got used to that wonderful smell of puppy breath and the small yips of puppy-play… damn I missing having puppies around.
    I have never heard of the Puppy Bowl, consider me signed up!

  • I’m biased towards liking Big Dogs. The biggest of the species, the thundering, majestic, sir-ponies-are-not-allowed-in-the-dog-run beasts of the canine world. I love mastiffs and Irish wolfhounds. Consequently, puppies of my favorite breeds are often not as cute as other breeds, because my favorite puppies are bigger than at least 50% of mature dogs out there (I’m looking at you, little Wendig taco terrier).

    I can appreciate the usual cute puppies just fine. Seeing a litter of golden retriever puppies is like getting pole-axed. But who among us can deny the discomforting cuteness of the mastiff or wolfhound puppy? It creates a war of emotion in the viewer. it’s a cross of “Aw, puppy!” and “Christ, that thing might eat me in six months.”

    For example:

    Mastiff puppy and mother: http://www.cutepuppiesforsale.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/English-Mastiff-Puppies-For-Sale-4.jpg

    Irish wolfhound puppies: http://img1.classistatic.com/cps/po/110112/708r3/2700a1k_27.jpeg

  • I really don’t like the Super Bowl, but my husband does and we’ve been having yearly get togethers in our home since we’ve been married. The Puppy Bowl is the only part of the day I enjoy before all the guests arrive and I’m struggling to maintain sanity amongst the adults and all the children that come to eat, watch sports, and play.

    I have yet to watch Gilmore Girls, but now that I know its on your list I’ll add it to my list of new things to try and love. :) Yep, this post just gave me one more reason to like you.

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