You: *panicked gulps of breath*

Me: You seem a little wibbly.

You: Oh, I’m wibbly. Super-wibbly. Wibbly to the max.

Me: *looks at calendar* Oh.

You: It’s National Novel Writing month.

Me: I see that. So: you’re writing a novel.

You: *vomits in a shoe*

Me: Definitely writing a novel. Also, that was my shoe.

You: Sorry.

Me: I didn’t like that shoe, anyway. A very hateful shoe. So, what’s the prob?

You: I just — I can’t — baaaaaah. *flails and points at the blank screen*

Me: The empty page.

You: *gasping*

Me: Tabula rasa. The blank page is some terrifying business.

You: It’s scaring the shitkittens right out of me.

Me: Understandably. The white page is all cliff, no bottom. It’s an endless pit. A snowy expanse without a single track to follow — and you’re thinking, if I go stomping my boots into this stuff I’m going to ruin it. It’s pristine, now. Untouched. Infinite possibility. The novel you’ve not written will always be more interesting and more vibrant than the one you do. That novel, the imaginary one, the eternal multiplicative one, is like a flawless fucking diamond.

You: It is. So I shouldn’t write it.

Me: *kicks your shin*

You: Jesus, ow.

Me: I guess it wasn’t the shoes that were hateful. It’s my feet. My violent, angry feet. Anyway: shut up about not writing the novel. What are you, an asshole?

You: Maybe. Probably. You said the unwritten novel was perfect.

Me: It is! In your mind. And you can always go and tell people, Oh, I’m writing a novel, and they’ll mmm and ohhh and they might even look impressed and if that’s all you want — the illusion of writing, the acknowledged potential of writing — hey, fuckin’ great, go on and keep pretending to write that novel. But for my mileage, I’d rather have an imperfect story penned in blood and coaldust than the gleaming perfect unicorn fart that lives inside my head.

You: Unicorn farts live inside your head?

Me: I hate you so bad right now.

You: That’s fair. Okay! Fine, I’ll write it, I’ll write it. You’ve convinced me. If only because I’m afraid you’ll kick me again.

Me: An entirely reasonable fear.

You: I have another fear: the fear I’m not good enough.

Me: Well, so what? What the fuck does ‘good enough’ even mean, anyway?

You: Good enough to get published. Or publish myself. Or be read. OR TO EVEN EXIST AT ALL.

Me: This is a first draft. Calm down, Twitchy McGee. May I suggest you care less about your work? You’re not saving babies, okay? And besides, good enough is a made-up metric. It’s not like there exists some kind of checklist. You’re not the one to judge. The audience will judge. And the only way they get to judge is if you’re willing to write this first draft and then edit the unmerciful sin out of it until it’s as good as you can possibly make it. You need to give them that chance, and that means letting go of this absurd horseshit notion of ‘good enough’ and instead grab hold of a far stronger and more applicable one: are you determined enough? Are you disciplined enough? Are you stubborn-as-a-motherfucker enough? That’s the metric. That’s your measure.

You: Okay. Okay! I can maybe do this. Do I need to write to market?

Me: The only market that matters is you. This is your book. Barf your heart onto the page.

You: Uh, ew. Also: that sounds easier said than done.

Me: It is. But it’s worth doing just the same. Listen: put one word after the other. Approximately 2000 of these a day. Throw in periods and commas where appropriate. Make sentences into paragraphs, paragraphs into chapters. Put characters on the page and in those chapters that interest you. Have them do things that scare you and delight you in equal measure. Commit them to plots and ideas that compel you and that have no easy answers. You’re the first audience. Entertain yourself. Challenge yourself. Let the story lead. Let your own desires for the story lead. Fuck what anybody else thinks right now. This isn’t for them. This is for you. This is a test. This is the Tough Mudder of novel-writing. This is mud and electric shocks and rabid badgers and Sarlacc pits and homeless doomsday preppers with knives made of glass and electrical tape —

You: You’ve never run the Tough Mudder, have you?

Me: No, but I’m pretty sure that visual is accurate.

You: It’s not.

Me: Shut up, Captain Howdy. Daddy’s talking. Listen: anybody can be a writer. No writer wants to admit that — because we want to feel like special precious spacemen who are breathing rarified space air with all our particular and peculiar writernaut training. But writing is a mechanical act. It’s just plonking words down onto a page. Storyteller is more than mechanical — that’s where the art really lives, in the storytelling, but even there, storytelling is an act that’s twisted around our DNA. Everybody tells stories. We tell stories about that guy we saw at the bank, about that car accident, that night at the High School Prom, that time we did that thing with the double-dildos at the shopping mall. Half our lives are remembered as and communicated via story. So this is just that: you utilizing the mechanical act of writing to impart the intuitive act of storytelling.

You: You make it sound so simple.

Me: It isn’t. And it is. And then it isn’t again. Nobody said you’re going to be a good writer. Or a paid or successful writer. But that’s not the point of National Novel Writing Month. It might become that, later on. But for now: it’s the act of doing. The act of commanding dreams down from the ether and staple-gunning them to the fabric of reality. This is you stomping your footprints across the artistic landscape.

You: *stares at the blank page again, vomits*

Me: At least you missed my shoe this time.

You: *wipes chin* I’M SO NOT READY

Me: No, you’re not. I’ve written way too many novels in the last two years alone and I’ve written screenplays and games and short stories and nope, I’m never really ready. Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I realize I’m not. And it doesn’t matter. Because being really truly ready would ruin the fun. You know how you get ready? How you get good enough? By doing exactly this. By writing. By finishing. By editing. And by going back and doing it all again and again.

You: I’m going to do this.

Me: Yes, you are.

You: I’m going to write a book.

Me: And it will be one of the coolest, weirdest things you’ve ever done.

You: Awesome. I’m gonna go write now.

Me: You wanna make out first?

You: I just threw up.

Me: That’s okay. I brought Altoids.

You: Sure, okay.

Me: *hands you an Altoid*

Wesley Chu is a dangerous deviant and should be apprehended immedia — *checks notes* — nope, that’s the wrong page, sorry. Wesley Chu is a fellow Angry Robot author whose first book, The Lives of Tao, kicked all kinds of ass up and down the charts, and now he’s back with the second in the series:

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Hello, my name is Wesley Chu and I’m on Terribleminds Ten Questions for the second time this year which completely blows my mind. For those of you who are like “Wesley who?” (Which I’m pretty sure is most of you), I’m the author of The Lives of Tao and the upcoming The Deaths of Tao, both published by the almighty and magnificent automatons at Angry Robot Books.

On top of that, I’m a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I work at the Death Star, and I practice a form of Kung Fu where I walk in circles for hours. I also have an Airedale Terrier named Eva who talks to me in a Marge Simpson voice, and I used to be able to touch my toes to my chin without bending my knees. I’ll give you a sec to think that over.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH FOR THE DEATHS OF TAO:

After LoT, all Hell has broken loose and shit just got real. Genjix busting out the super soldiers. Roen can’t keep it together #stinkytofu

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

My brain wants to take credit for it, but I’m going to have to say this story came from my gut and my butt-clenching fear of not making my second book deadline.

Business writerly stuff aside, I spent the entire The Lives of Tao building Roen Tan up into a somewhat competent agent. In The Deaths of Tao, I wanted to take him for a spin and see what mettle he’s made of. Basically, I let loose the dogs of war on his ass, throwing everything at him, including gangsters, eugenic super-soldiers, and a really pissed off wife.

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

In The Lives of Tao, Roen was an unhappy out-of-shape loser who found his inner beast mode by the end of the book. I was an unhappy corporate drone who worked a soul-sucking career. In a way, Roen and I grew up together with the debut. The story continues after the epilogue though. Roen had new challenges to face in The Deaths of Tao, and I had the same in writing it.

In The Deaths of Tao, after Roen had achieved his goals of being a confident agent, he became deeper embroiled in the Quasing war. For me, after the whole “look ma, I wrote a book!” and shiny bits of being published wore off, I had to start writing The Deaths of Tao right away and learn the business of being a contracted author and treating it like a job as opposed to a hobby. Once a writer makes that transition, it’s a whole different ball game then. I’d like to think that Roen and I grew into our new roles together.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING THE DEATHS OF TAO?

Sequels are tough. I like to compare it to a band’s second album. The first album is great. After all, it’s what got you signed with a record label. Your band probably spent years polishing it up and putting the best tracks in it

“Now,” the record producer says after the first album’s out, “make another album. Now!”

Suddenly, your band is contractually obligated to be creative on demand. It’s a whole different beast and a lot more stress. That transition from being a first time author to a professional was tough. Thank God for my writing support group, and scotch. Actually, it was mostly just scotch.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING THE DEATHS OF TAO?

A book is a snapshot, and things you’ve already published earlier in the series are set in stone, laminated, basically part of the Ten Commandments of your series. It’s too late to change anything, so the little tidbits you didn’t think carefully through in the first book? Well, they’re front and center now. Suck it up.

For example, remember those characters you absolutely loved and killed in Lives, Wes? Don’t you wish you could have some of them back right now to play with? Well, they’re still dead, and you’re not operating in the Marvel universe, so deal with it!

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THE DEATHS OF TAO?

I love that in The Lives of Tao, I leveled Roen up. In The Deaths of Tao, I took him raiding. Yeah, I just used a World of Warcraft reference. High-five!

But really, that’s how I view his transition from the first book to the second. Roen used the skills he learned in Lives and applied them to his missions in Deaths. Seeing his growth over the course of the series makes me feel like a proud parent. My boy’s all grown up! Let me shed a tear while I throw him off the side of a tower and see if he survives.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

I would get to know my characters a lot better before putting them down on paper. I introduced a new main character, Enzo, in The Deaths of Tao and he continued to shock me again and again. So much so at that at one point, I had to pull back and think, “ok, you little crazy psychopath. I gotta rein you in.” There’s nothing wrong with giving your fictional creations a little decision making leeway, but just like kids and the Internet, give them a mile and they’ll hang you with it.

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

Hutch, standing next to Roen, coughed and fidgeted with his jacket. Thirty-six gangsters, dressed to the nines, surrounded the small table, drawn guns half pointing at them and half at each other. Roen poked Hutch and gave him the don’t-get-us-shot glare. The gangsters were already on edge. The last thing they needed was to see an anxious foreigner making sudden moves.

Sixteen behind you. Ten on both sides. All armed and probably awful shots. Four bosses in front. Oh, and you have Hutch, the narcoleptic guard. You got a plan to get out of this?

Roen swiveled his head to his left and counted the number of armed thugs wielding bats, machetes, and guns, and then he counted the ones to his right.

He shrugged. “I got nothing.”

I find it ironic that you had a plan to fight your way out of Prophus Command, but not out of a triad warehouse. I am starting to doubt your loyalties.

“Or intelligence.”

Or will to live.

“Or delusions of invincibility.”

Okay. You win this one.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

I recently signed a deal with Tor Books and hope to have my current work-in-progress, Time Salvager, out on book shelves by 2015. The book follows a time traveler named James who scavenges technologies and resources from a more prosperous past.

Time traveling is strictly regulated. Salvagers can only scavenge from dead end timelines—events preceding an immediate disaster, explosion, or accident—where the resources salvaged will not affect the present. The problem with this job is that the salvager experiences the last few tragic moments of the victims before the disaster. That tends to mess with a person’s head.

Also, assuming the robot overlords give the green light, I’ll start on the third and (maybe, maybe not) final book of the Tao trilogy, tentatively called The Rebirth of Tao. The synopsis has been planned out and any silly distractions such as friends and family have been put to the side. Let’s roll!

Wes Chu: Website / Twitter

Deaths of Tao: Amazon / B&N 

Obviously, I am of the opinion that Angry Robot makes a lot of very strong choices in terms of the fiction they choose to publish (their mistake publishing my books notwithstanding — I mean, what were they thinking?). They sent me an early copy of this one, and it pleases me to have the author, Freya, to pop in and talk about her newest: Heartwood.

Tell Us About Yourself: Who The Hell Are You?

I’m Freya! I write epic fantasy for Angry Robot Books. I like fantasy and science fiction books and movies, and I’m a dedicated gamer. A bit of a geek, actually.

GIVE US THE 140-CHARACTER STORY PITCH:

A dying tree, a desperate quest, a love story, a last stand – a quest-based epic fantasy.

WHERE DOES THIS STORY COME FROM?

It’s a blend of many things that fascinate me, namely Templar-style holy knights, monasticism, castles, nature-based religions…oh, and there’s a bit of sword-porn in there too 🙂

HOW IS THIS A STORY ONLY YOU COULD’VE WRITTEN?

Well, the cool thing about writing is that only you can tell your particular story from your point of view, with your background and experiences and voice. But I know you’re asking why couldn’t anyone else have written Heartwood the way I wrote it? Because I think I carry a certain naivety to my work that’s unusual nowadays. I write from the heart, and I don’t hold much back. I believe the best in everyone, and I’m not very cynical (I can hear you laughing now, Chuck.) But I think Heartwood reflects this. The main character, Chonrad, is an old-style hero in all the best senses of the word—he has his faults like any normal person, but he’s brave and courageous, strong and honourable. And while all the heroes are forced to delve into the dark places in their souls in order to complete their quests, and terrible things happen, ultimately I believe in the power of goodness over evil.

WHAT WAS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT WRITING HEARTWOOD?

The length. It was long and hard (that’s what she said.) (Sorry—I’ve been watching too much of The Office.) But seriously, folks, the first draft was 187,000 words, and the finished manuscript is around 172,000, which will be the longest that Angry Robot have published. There are longer stories out there, of course, but for me it was an epic journey in itself.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WRITING HEARTWOOD?

That horses can’t travel 100 miles a day unless they fly. That it’s not easy to come up with names for four different countries that sound similar but different, if you know what I mean. And that I do have enough stamina to get the damn thing finished.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT HEARTWOOD?

Writing Heartwood was like unzipping my fly and exposing myself to the world. I mean…um… I really feel as if I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve with this story more than anything else I’ve written. I poured myself into it, and I love the huge scale of the story, involving adventures across four lands, journeys to the bottom of the ocean, and a momentous battle with heroic deaths and a satisfying, cinematic ending.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME?

Absolutely nothing. I love the story to bits, even though I’m sure it has hundreds of faults.

GIVE US YOUR FAVORITE PARAGRAPH FROM THE STORY:

He bent and kissed her gently on the forehead, then pushed her carefully to one side onto the ground and got up.  He stared around him like one who had woken from a dream. The knights were still in front of him, trying to keep him safe from the Darkwater Lords who now definitely outnumbered the standing Militis, but Teague could see it wouldn’t be long before they fell too. Fionnghuala bled profusely from a cut on her neck and Bearrach was holding his left arm in a strange way, as though it had been numbed with a strike. Valens was now fighting a magnificent, powerful Darkwater Lord and could barely defend himself again his blows. Dolosus was motionless, on his knees in the midst of the warriors in the outer circle. And all around, knights were falling like felled trees. Only Procella remained unhurt and magnificent in her fury, but Teague could see that eventually the number of the Darkwater warriors would overwhelm her.  The tide had turned. The element of water was on the rise.

“…come to us…”

“…Teague…”

Slowly, he turned to face the Arbor. The tree was calling him. He could hear the voices, tens, maybe hundreds of them, whispering to him, beckoning him.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU AS A STORYTELLER?

I’ve written the sequel, Sunstone. That comes out next March, providing my editor likes it! I’d like to write more epic fantasy. Half the time I’m being told the genre doesn’t sell well nowadays, but there are always surveys coming out that dispute that. I think readers grew tired of traditional epic fantasy for a while, but the recent popularity of TV series and movies like Game of Thrones and The Hobbit have perhaps sparked a new interest in the genre.

I’m also drafting proposals for couple of new fantasy and sci-fi series. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Freya Robertson: Website / Twitter

Heartwood: Amazon / B&N

You: Holy shit. National Novel Writing Month.

Me: I know, right? Almost here.

You: *whistles* NaNoWriMo. Is it “ree-mo,” or “wry-mo?”

Me: I seriously don’t know. Follow your bliss, I guess?

You: Are you, ahh, doing anything around these parts for the ol’ NaNoWriMo? This is, after all, a writing blog, so I assume…

Me:  Well. This isn’t really a writing blog. This is an author’s portfolio-flavored ranty-hole where writing is occasionally — okay, frequently — discussed. I also talk about applesauce. But yes, I am going to do a specific thing for the month of November. This blog post — this “dialogue” between Me and the imaginary writer that is You — is part of it, actually. The very first part. Chapter Zero. The Prologue, if you will.

You: *snerk* Imaginary. Good one.

Me: Hey, whatever lets you sleep at night, Captain Howdy.

You: So, what are these dialogues?

Me: Sort of a casual way to explore the… weird nutty-ass journey that takes you from Not Having The First Draft Of A Novel to Having The First Draft Sorta Maybe Kinda Done.

You: Sorta maybe kinda?

Me: Well, 30 days is a pretty short haul for writing a novel. And 50k is technically novel-length, but publishers are likely going to be reticent about a novel of that length unless it’s young adult, but whatever. And what you finish may not look like much of a book yet…

You: Are you giving the stinkeye to NaNoWriMo, bro?

Me: Nope. I did, once, admittedly, because I tried it and it really didn’t work for me — in fact, it had negative consequences. It made me feel like shit for a little while about the whole writing thing. And back then I was naive enough to assume that when something does or does not work for me it obviously has to be that way for anybody else because we’re all the same precious snowflake, AND I AM MOST PRECIOUS OF THEM ALL. Which is not true, and of course everyone has a process as unique to them as a strand of DNA. What works, works, and NaNoWriMo works for some people very well.

You: What works about NaNoWriMo?

Me: It gets you used to being on deadline. It forces you to write every day to meet that deadline. It teaches you that if you want to Do This Thing called “writing” then the only way out is through. Really, it teaches you to finish your shit, which is a core tenet of being a writer. And one so few writers manage. Now, that’s not to say I think it’s an ideal writing plan (if such a thing exists).

You: This is where I ask you what’s not ideal about it.

Me: This is that time, yes.

You: *waits*

Me: *stares*

You: *waits more*

Me: *stares harders*

You: Holy piss-lasers, you have a very intense stare.

Me: It’s actually the beard. It grows darker as I stare. All the hairs point toward you slowly, gently, but with great and sinister certainty.

You: Fine, I’ll ask: what’s not ideal about NaNoWriMo?

Me: Being in November doesn’t help. Start of the holiday season, and for me the whole week around Thanksgiving is a swirling vortex of chaos and gravy. And again, it’s worth noting that NaNoWriMo is for some an effective process, but it might not be your effective process. Maybe your process is writing 350 words a day. Maybe it’s taking three months instead of one. Maybe it’s eating peyote in a lighthouse while wearing a rain slicker made from whale leathers. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it can be like cramming a square peg in a monkey’s urethra.

You: You have a thing about monkeys.

Me: Monkeys are always funny.

You: You also have a thing about pee-holes.

Me: Pee-holes are always funny, too. These are comedy laws, I’m sorry if you don’t like them. But like climate change and gravity, this shit is real.

You: Fair enough. So, are you doing NaNoWriMo?

Me: I’m doing NaWriEvMoMoFo.

You: What is that? Did you just summon something from the bleak beyond?

Me: National Write Every Month, Motherfucker. Writing is my job. My full-time gig. MY INKY JAMZ, MAN. Has been for a long time — every month for me is NaNoWriMo. That being said, I will be coincidentally starting a new novel on November 1st. I’ll be jumping into the third Heartland book, tentatively titled The Seven. (Shameless plug time: the first book, Under the Empyrean Sky, is $1.99 for Kindle until the close of October 31st. The second book, Blightborn, is through editing and should be out… summer, 2014?)

You: You really are shameless.

Me: Shame is a limitation I can no longer afford.

You: Whatever, weirdo. *pinches area between eyes and nose* So, any last minute preparations I should make going into this thing, boss?

Me: If you haven’t outlined, that’s an option.

You: Ew.

Me: I know. I agree. Outlining is a total junk-punch, but for me, it helps. I’d rather fuck up a three-page outline than a 300-page novel. The first one is easy to fix. Repairing the other one is positively Sisyphean. And an outline doesn’t need to be the traditional Roman numeral line-item plotty bullshit, either. You have lots of options for how to prep and scheme.

You: Yeah, I’m pretty much not gonna outline at this point.

Me: Whatever juices your mango.

You: What else you got? Come on, come on.

Me: I wrote a thing the other day about character creation. Down and dirty, quick and simple. But lots of depth in there, I think. A puddle that looks shallow but is in fact surprisingly deep and may contain a Kraken. Because, every puddle needs a Kraken.

You: Words to live by.

Me: Not really.

You: All right, fine. We should probably finish up here. This is going on a bit long.

Me: In this, we have an accord.

You: So, what’s the deal here again? At the blog?

Me: Ah, right, we didn’t hit that base. Each week I’ll be here two, maybe three times, doing more of these NaNoWriMo Dialogues with Totally-Not-Imaginary You, and we’ll hit a lot of the perils and pitfalls of the NaNoWriMo journey. So, hang with me, and we’ll talk it out. And maybe some readers will join in the comments and air their Novel-Flavored Triumphs and Grievances, as well.

You: Cool. Last minute words of encouragement?

Me: Fuck the haters. Do the work. Finish your shit. You are the commander of your words, the king of the story, the god of this place. You’re done fucking around, so write, write, and write some more. Plus, there’s the whole NaNoWriMo writing bundle thing, hint-hint.

You: So shameless.

Me: So shameless I don’t have shame about my lack of shame.

You: A veritable shamelessness spiral.

Me: Yep. Oh, and one more thing: ART HARDER, MOTHERFUCKER.

You: *fistbump*

Me: *fistbump*

*everything explodes in a mighty fistsplosion*

When writers are tasked with creating characters, we are told to try these character exercises that entreat us to answer rather mad questions about them: hair color, eye color, toe length, nipple hue, former job, phone number of former job supervisor, what she had for lunch, if she were a piece of Ikea furniture what piece would she be (“Billy bookcase! NO WAIT, A SKJARNNGFLONG LINGONBERRY-FLAVORED COCKTAIL TRAY”). And so on and so forth.

Most of these are, of course, abject badger-shite.

They get you as close to creating a strong, well-realized and interesting character as jumping off your roof with a blankie on your back gets you to flying.

And yet, I am frequently emailed (or in the old English, ymailt) about how one creates good characters on the fly. The short answer to that is, mostly, you don’t. Characters are not a fast soup — they’re a long-bubbling broth developing flavors the longer you think about them and, more importantly, the more you write about them. (Which one assumes is the point of the inane questions asked by many character exercises, which would be a noble effort if those questions were not so frequently concerned with details and decisions that will never have anything to do with your character, your story, or your world.)

Just the same, I decided to slap on the ol’ thinking-cap (seriously, it’s really old and gross and I think a guy died in this hat) to come up a quick springboard that should get your head around a character quickly, efficiently and creatively. Note that this isn’t a system I generally use as yet — it’s me noodling on things. Just putting it out there for you all to fold, spindle, and mutilate. Especially what with NaNoWriMo right around the bend, right? Right.

Let’s do this.

The Character Logline:

Right up front, I want you to identify who the character is. And you’re going to do it in a very brief way, the same way you would conjure a logline (or “elevator pitch”) for your story at hand. You will identify this character in the same space allowed for a single tweet — so, 140 characters.

If you need help, try writing a few character loglines for pre-existing characters from other storyworlds — “Dexter Morgan is a serial killer with a code of honor hiding in plain sight among the officers of the Miami Police Department.” Or “Boba Fett is an inept bounty hunter in Mandalorian battle armor who sucks a lot at his job and gets eaten by a giant dusty desert sphincter.” Whatever. (Want practice? describe a few well-known characters in the comments.)

Problem:

Right up front, the character has a problem. A character’s problem is why the character exists in this storyworld, and this problem helps generate plot (plot, after all, is Soylent Green — it is made of people). Identify the problem. Shorter is again better (and note that you may have inadvertently identified the problem in the logline above, which is not only fine, but awesome).

Problems could be anything that defines the character’s journey: “Hunted by an unkillable star beast;” “Can’t get it up in bed;” “Trapped in an alternate dimension and unable to get home;” “Pursued by chimpanzee crime syndicate;” “Lost child in divorce;” “Life’s worth stolen by dirigible-dwelling pirate-folk;” “Can’t find gluten-free muffins in this goddamn city.”

If you take John McClane from Die Hard, his problem isn’t really the terrorists — not as a character problem. The terrorists are a plot problem, but we’ll get to that in a second. John’s actual problem is his separation from his wife. That’s his issue. That’s what drives him.

Buffy Summers is a character who wants to be a normal teen, but isn’t.

The problem is why we’re here. It’s why we’re watching this character, right now.

Solution:

The character will also have a proposed solution to that problem. I’m not talking about You The Storyteller solving the problem. I’m talking about what the character thinks is or should be the solution. A solution that, in fact, the character will pursue at the start of the story.

The character who is hunted by he unkillable star beast, well, she may decide that she has to escape to the fringes of the universe where her soul can be remade in the Nebula Forge, which she believes is the only way to throw off the scent.

The character who can’t find gluten-free muffins is going to try to bake her own. (THE FOOL!)

John McClane’s solution to his separation is to fly all the way out to LA from NY and reconnect with his wife at her office Christmas party.

If we are to assume that Dexter Morgan’s problem is: “Dexter is a secret serial killer,” his solution is to “hide in plain sight in Miami Metro PD.” (One might suggest that it his solution is to “cleave to a code of honor that forces him to kill only criminals,” but I think that’s something else — and I’ll get there in a minute, I promise, cool your testes-and-or-teats, Doctor Impatience.)

The Conflict Between:

In between a character’s problem and solution is a wonderful tract of jagged, dangerous landscape called HOLY SHIT, CONFLICT.

Or, if you’d prefer, it’s less a landscape and more a GIANT SPIKY WALL. Or a gauntless of FISTS AND KNIVES AND BLUDGEONING STICKS. Or whatever image gets you to grasp the perilous potential between points A (problem) and Z (solution).

It’s possible that this space is practically auto-generated, that the conflict writes itself as a product of the problem -> solution dichotomy. With Dexter, his problem is being a serial killer, and his solution is to embed himself in Miami PD. That conjures an immediate and easy-to-imagine conflict. Serial killer? Working for the police? Easy to see the conflict there. (I haven’t seen the last two seasons, but my understanding is they failed to capitalize on this great conflict.)

John McClane’s problem and solution auto-generate conflicts that don’t really fit in the context of an action movie. And so the writers created a kick-ass external conflict — in this case, THE INEPTITUDE OF THE LOCAL POLICE AND FBI. Oh, and also, some dude named Hans Gruber?

But even external conflicts are key to the character — the conflict born in the gulf between McClane’s problem and his solution is still one that demands the best efforts of his cop nature. The writers didn’t give him a love triangle, or a cantankerous mother-in-law, or a stuck pickle jar. He’s a bad-ass dude with a gun and a badge and no shoes and so they gave him a gaggle of terrorists. (More on his unfixable undeterred cop nature in a few.)

Ultimately, try to mine the rich, loamy, ruby-laden earth between what the character wants and what the character cannot have.

Limitations:

A limitation is generally internal — meaning, it’s something within the character that exists as part of their nature. This limitation hobbles them in some way, altering their problem/solution dichotomy (which we could ostensibly call “the mission”).

Remember how I was talking about Dexter’s “code of honor?” I consider this a limitation to his character — we the audience would perceive that as a strength but to Dexter, it’s also a limitation. It puts a limit on his role as a serial killer and thus creates not only a deeper character, but also offers new plot angles and opportunities for tension.

Limitations are traits of the character’s that get in her way — they might be flaws or frailties but they can just as easily be positive traits that make trouble for the character and the plot. You might say that Buffy’s limitations were her age, her immaturity, and her emotional entanglements with problematic boyfriends (seriously, Buffy, what’s with the choice in dudes?).

Complications:

Complications tend to be external — they are entanglements outside the character that complicate their lives. These can be more character-based or more plot-based depending on which aspect of the story you’re working. John McClane’s job is a character complication — he’s married more to the job than he is to his wife, which is what leads to the problem, which demands a solution, which opens the door for conflict. And the conflict is further complicated by his intensely cop-flavored demeanor, because he just can’t let this thing go. He throws himself into danger again and again not just because his wife is in the building, but because this is who he is. Shoeless and largely alone, all he is is pure, unmitigated yippie-kay-ay cowboy copper.

(And of course the rub is, a character’s limitations and complications are also the things that may help them succeed in their mission even while still causing them grave disorder.)

Greatest Fear:

Short but sweet: what does the character fear most? Death. Love. Disease. Losing one’s best friend. Bees. Toddlers. Chimpanzees with clown makeup. Lady Gaga. Whatever. It’s useful to identify the character’s fear — meaning, the thing they most don’t want to encounter or see happen — because you’re the storyteller, and you’re cruel, and now you have this Awful Thing in your pocket. And whenever you want, you can bring the Awful Thing out of its demon-box and harangue the character with it to see which way she jumps.

Description:

Description for characters is overrated — again, a lot of these character exercises seem hell-bent to have you figure out their eyebrow color and genital measurements and other useless metrics. That said, I do think a little description is good, and here’s what you’re going to do:

Write a description. Keep it to 100 words. Less if you can manage (once again consider the 140-character limitation). Do not hit all the bases. Do not try to stat them up like a fucking baseball player. Listen, when you look at someone, you take away a visual thumbprint of that person — it’s pushed hard into the clay of your memory. You don’t remember every little detail or aspect. Rather, you remember them as, that gangly Lurch motherfucker with the flat-top hair-do and the lips like grave-worms, or, that woman shaped like a butternut squash with the frock that smelled like cigarettes and old terriers. 

A short, sharp shock of character description. And a tip on description: writers are best describing things that break the status quo, that violate our expectations. In other words, find the things that make the character visually unique, interesting, odd, curious — different. Cleave to those.

The Test Drive:

The character’s voice and behavior is still a bit alien to you at this point — conjuring all these details and entanglements still doesn’t let you zip into their skin and grab their vocal chords like a flight stick in order to pilot them around (suddenly I’m getting a really weird narrative Pacific Rim metaphor and I must like it a lot because I think I have a boner — what shut up it’s a metaphorical boner jeez you people you’re so Puritanical with your “ew he’s talking about boners again”). So, my advice is:

Take ’em for a test drive. Said it before, will say it again: write a thousand-word piece of flash fiction with Your Brand New Shiny Character in the starring role. Drive him around. Ding him up. Challenge him! Force him to talk to other characters: an obstinate cab driver, a belligerent cop, a drunken orangutan. Give him a new problem or one related to the character explicitly.

Let ’em speak. Let ’em act. See what they do when you get behind the wheel.

Inhabit the character.

And you may come away with new material you want to use in a longer work.

Rewrite The Logline:

All that’s said and done?

Rewrite the original logline.

Sharpen it like a fucking stake you’re gonna stick into a vampire’s chesty bits.

The reason you’re rewriting is:

a) Because your idea of the character may have changed a little or a lot through this whole process so, best to revisit and revamp accordingly.

and

b) Because you better get used to revision and tweaking things — plots, characters, sentences — to hone them into molecule-splitting story-razors.

And That’s That

That’s it. A quick path through character creation in what hopefully distills that character down to his or her bare quintessence. More importantly, it’s a process that in a perfect world gets you into their headspace and the plotspace that surrounds them, thus allowing you to drop-kick them right into the story without any hitches or hiccups. Thoughts, comments, questions, complaints, prayer requests, death threats, proposals of marriage —

Drop ’em in the comments.

You’re saying:

“Chuck, I don’t need a recipe for applesauce. I just throw a bunch of apples into the mouth of an angry dog and let him chew them up and spit them out into a Tupperware bowl and then I dig in with my favorite Spongebob spoon why do you try to force recipes on us, you recipe fascist.”

And sure, you’re right. You could just let an angry dog chew your raw apples into sauce.

But I’m a guy who doesn’t like easy answers. I’m a guy who sees a grizzly bear and who decides to ride it. A guy who goes to the moon and asks, “Why aren’t we going to Mars?” Who eats chocolate and says “WHY CAN’T I EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW?” and then proceeds to eat all the chocolate right now. On the back of a grizzly. On the moon.

So, I’m going to give you a recipe for applesauce.

And you will never make applesauce any other way ever again because if you try, angry praying mantids will eat your fingertips off. It’s true. I’ve seen this shit happen.

Okay, here’s the recipe. Are you ready?

Take seven grapefruits.

Yeah, no, okay, you were right to pause there. This recipe doesn’t feature any fucking grapefruits. You caught me. You were tested and you passed, if only by the skin of your delicate pink genitals. This recipe contains zero grapefruit because that means this applesauce would make your mouth pucker like an ugly butthole. Good. Now we can move to the real recipe.

Take a bunch of apples.

I’m gonna say 6-8 apples, but really, this recipe works regardless of how many apples you choose to use. That’s on you. This decision is in your hands.

Now you ask: “What varietal of apple am I using?”

Again, I don’t much care, but choose two from the following list:

Red Randy, Pink Gingy, McReedy, Jumbaloo, Mojo, Slim Shady, Freya, Honeyshine, Fapplecrisp, Spangdiddler, Obvious Dolly, Yellow Mediocre, Gorgon, Franka Potente, Monkeyplum, Reynolds Black, Tito Dubious, Wormseed, Cratchett, Blue Fenmoore, or Steve.

BOOM you failed that test. None of those are real apples. Not a one of them. Those are all nicknames for penises and vaginas and you didn’t even know that. Those aren’t apples. Why did you think those were apples? Did you think only like, special fancy fucking farmers markets have these? That’s not true at all. See? You just don’t know things. This is why you need me. You need me to trick you out of your own ignorance.

Whatever. I like to put two different types of apple into my sauce.

I use one sweet, and one tart apple variety.

Mostly sweet.

Sweet, I like Jonathan, Honeycrisp, Pink Lady, Fuji, Gala.

Then I add in one or two tart apples. Granny Smith, maybe.

Or, if you don’t want to mix: there exists a new apple out there I’d not seen before (so, new to me, maybe) called Sweetango? It’s the bomb. Literally. It’s an apple bomb THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON okay no it’s just metaphorically the bomb. It is both sweet and tart and makes for a nice all-around apple, including existing as an apple that deserves to go inside your applesauce.

Skin these apples as you would flay those who would insult your hair or your shoes.

Cut up these apples into coarse hunks, chunks, bricks and boulders.

Set your HELLBOX (aka, oven) to 350 degrees.

Place all your apple chunks on foil atop a cookie sheet.

Dust these apples with:

A freckling of nutmeg.

A dusting of cinnamon.

A crumbling of brown sugar.

A speckling of vanilla bean.

An alternative to the brown sugar + vanilla bean is to make your very own vanilla sugar, which means shoving a vanilla bean hull into a container of sugar and standing there and staring at it in judgment for seven days whereupon the sugar will absorb the vanilla essence — AKA the vanilla’s soul — and then the sugar tastes both like motherfucking sugar and like motherfucking vanilla at the same time. Which is basically magic, we can all just admit that.

If you do that, sprinkle your vanilla sugar atop the apple chunks.

(“Apple Chunks” was my nickname in the Marines, by the way.)

(THE SPACE MARINES.)

Now, take those apples, and shove them in the oven for 15-20 minutes.

They are done when you spear them with a fork and the fork finds no resistance — it’s like stabbing a cloud with an ice pick because fuck clouds that’s why, fuck them for raining on our wedding day like Alanis warned us all about whatever shut up.

Take the apples out of the oven. Their punishment is complete.

By the way, your house at this point should smell pretty much the best it’s ever smelled. So good it’ll cover up that wet dog + toddler pee + dead body + ennui smell you got going on. It’ll smell like Thanksgiving and Christmas had a baby in your kitchen. And not in that fake-ass shitty way like you find at some stores around this time of the year (seriously, you walk into a crafts store in October it’s like someone punches you in the sinuses with a fist made of chemical potpourri and yeah, that’s right, I go to craft stores because this motherfucker right here likes using wicker and yarn to make his various effigies, go on, make fun of me, see who gets an effigy made of them and burned on my front lawn in a Satanic rite, huh).

Anyway, when I said that the punishment of the apples was complete, obviously I was lying because now you take those apple chunks and you pick up the foil beneath them and slide them into a blender. Or into a pot where you will use an immersion blender (or just use your forehead or your feet, I seriously don’t care, I’m not eating your applesauce, I already made my own).

Then, you will squirt onto them some fresh-squozen lemon juice.

A quarter-to-a-half of a lemon will do. Watch the lemon seeds because those slippery little dicks will try to get into everything. It’s like they want to you to choke on them.

You will also add a half-cup of apple cider. Not apple juice because what are you, a loser? Cider. I said cider. Not cider vinegar because uhhh, ew. Why are you trying to fuck around this late in the game? Are you trying to ruin things? YOU ALWAYS RUIN THINGS.

Anyway.

We are at the point where you could also add other things.

You could add:

a) A dollop of good honey.

b) Another fruit or fruit juice of your choosing.

c) A splash of rum.

d) A pipette (or seven) of bourbon.

Yes, I am advocating boozy applesauce, WHAT OF IT?

All of it is in the blender, yes?

You will now blend them into a desirable consistency.

You like ’em chunky? Leave ’em chunky.

You like ’em aerated into puffy light hillocks of apple foam? THEN DO THAT.

Now it’s done. You can eat it warm or you can send it to the frozen gulag that is your refrigerator for it to develop added flavor overnight.

Then, in the morning, BATHE IN IT.

I mean, EAT IT, I totally didn’t say “bathe.”

The end.

…

Okay, now it’s your turn. This is a recipe exchange whether you knew that or not. Head to the comments, drop a recipe or a link to a recipe or I will find your favorite person in the whole wide world and I will eat them. These are my terms.