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Critique Session: Descriptions

Descriptions are tough, man. How much to include? How much to leave out? What’s worth describing and what’s not? So, high time for another critique session — this one focused on a descriptive sentence or paragraph. Pick a sentence or paragraph from your current WIP (or hell, write a new one if you’re so inclined) — one focused on description. Character description is a good place to look, but you can nab a section describing setting or a weapon or an orangutan super-spy. I trust your judgment. Which is why I’m hiding behind this Plexiglas enclosure while the rest of you paw and slap at each other HA HA HA kidding it’s not Plexiglass it’s bulletproof Gorilla glass shut up. *dons bomb suit* *ducks*

Anyway.

Deposit the snippet of your work in the comments below.

No more than, say, 100 words, if you please.

Putting it in the comments means you’re open to critique and should be willing to critique the work put forth by others. Critique should be even-handed, and focus on good parts as well as parts that maybe didn’t work so well for you.

LET THE MAYHEM BEGIN.

Flash Fiction Challenge: The Cocktail Is Your Title

Last week’s challenge: “Rise of the Phoenix.”

This week?

Below you’ll find a list of 20 cocktails.

I love cocktails because they have great names. Evocative in their own fun way. So, you’ll choose a random cocktail from the table and use that as the title of your story. Use a d20 or a random number generator or, if none of those are really fizzing your gin, go ahead and use one that’s not on the list.

You’ve got 1500 words this time.

Due by June 20th, noon EST.

Post at your online space. Link to it in the comments below.

(Feel free to add “the” to any of the below titles.)

The Cocktail List

  1. Rusty Nail
  2. Pisco Sour
  3. Bee’s Knees
  4. Corpse-Reviver
  5. French 75
  6. Monkey Gland
  7. Boulevardier
  8. Twelve-Mile Limit
  9. Bird of Paradise
  10. White Lady
  11. Dirty Martini
  12. Rum Punch
  13. Mary Pickford
  14. Tuxedo No. 2
  15. Gin Rickey
  16. Paloma
  17. Blind Abbot
  18. Buttery Nipple
  19. Moscow Mule
  20. Screaming Orgasm

Sam Hawken: Five Things I Learned Writing Tequila Sunset

El Paso and Ciudad Juárez sit across the Texas / Mexico border from each other. They share streets, share industry, share crime. One gang claims territory in both: Barrio Azteca. This single criminal organization is responsible for most of the homicides committed in Juárez, and Felipe Morales is one of them. Recruited in prison, and now on the streets of El Paso, “Flip” has no choice but to step further into that world, but he has a secret that threatens his life. A witness to murder and intimidation, he tries playing both the cops and the outlaws in a bid to escape. On the American side, El Paso detective Cristina Salas struggles to balance the needs of single motherhood with those of life in the city’s anti-gang unit. When her path crosses with Flip, their relationship will spell the difference between a life behind bars for the young gang member, a grisly death or freedom. Meanwhile, Mexican federal agent, Matías Segura, must contend with the scourge of Los Aztecas while coordinating a long-term operation with the American authorities. The Aztecas, north and south, stand in the way of three lives. They have no qualms about crossing the line, about killing, about moving their deadly product, and it all comes together in a confrontation where the stakes are, truly, a matter of life and death.

•••

Black is not the only shade.

When The Dead Women of Juárez, my debut novel, came out it was pretty much agreed by all who read it that it was dark, dark, dark.  And then there was more dark added to that dark.  I don’t think there’s a single moment of levity in the entire book.  Maybe this is appropriate given the subject of systematized female rape, torture and murder, but I couldn’t help but think that maybe the book’s darkness limited it somewhat.

Fast forward to Tequila Sunset, which tackles Mexico’s almost unimaginable violence, and the stage was set for another pretty grim telling.  I had included hints of warmth here and there in The Dead Women, but I felt it was necessary to expand the emotional palette of the next book to both avoid the impression that I write nothing but bleak ruminations on the futility of life and to give myself a break.  To that end, I made a concerted effort to give each of the book’s three main characters a positive relationship that showed what they were living for.  For Flip, the gang member, it’s a chance at a normal love affair that could lead out of “the life.”  For Cristina, it was her bond to her mentally disabled son.  For Matías it was the wife for whom he’d give anything.

I’ll never say my first book was bad, but I will say that leavening the cheerlessness of the subject matter with brighter shades made for a much stronger second work.  I’ve kept that lesson with me ever since.

Personal storytelling is the best storytelling.

What crippled me in my early writing formation, and I suspect this is true of many others, is the old saw, “Write what you know.”  As if being an airline pilot who writes means the only really good stuff he or she will ever create has to do with being an airline pilot.  It’s a dumb, reductive piece of advice that does no one any favors.  But I don’t think it’s the fault of the advice itself, but rather how people take it.

Everybody has life experiences.  Everyone knows what it’s like to be alive.  And maybe you’re not a DEA agent or professional hitman or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you can’t write about those things.  I’ve never been a gang member, but I know what it’s like to have made critical errors in life and suffering because of them.  I’ve never been a cop, but I am the father of a child with autism, so I know the hopes and fears of a parent who lives with that burden daily.  I’ve never fought crime in Mexico, but I’ve experienced the push and pull of a marriage stressed to the breaking point by outside factors.  All of these insights I was able to put into Tequila Sunset.  The rest is almost window dressing to the human story.  We care about the plot because we care about the people.  We care about the people because they’re drawn from real stock.

I did a little bit of this in my first book, when I tried to exorcise the memory of my brother’s violent death at the hands of a hit-and-run driver, but it wasn’t until Tequila Sunset that I realized the fuel for compelling writing is quite literally everywhere, whether you’re writing slice-of-life stories or crime fiction or books about international espionage.

Mexican and American crime are more closely linked then you’d think.

One of the things most people know about Mexico these days is that it’s wracked by incredible drug-related violence, responsible for killing tens of thousands of people since the mid-‘00s.  What they don’t know is that is that criminals in the United States are the ones providing the fuel for this particular conflagration.

Say what you want about the rightness or wrongness of marijuana being illegal in this country, but the fact remains that in forty-eight states it is illegal, and with that illegality comes money.  Lots of money.  Scarcity drives up prices and almost all of that cash flows south toward Mexico.  The drug cartels then turn around and do in the United States what they can’t do in their own country: buy guns.

Mexico has some of the most restrictive gun laws in the world, but gun battles are common.  Why?  Because of the deluge of weapons crossing the border from America.  So-called “straw buyer” purchases have legal sales done on behalf of those who can’t buy for themselves, private sellers circumvent the law and sell directly to the cartels or others simply ferry weapons southward to feed the ravenous demand.  As much as we Americans like pot, the cartels like money and guns.  Maybe if we stopped giving them so much of both, things would be a lot more peaceful down there.

Oh, and locally source your weed.

The world is full of people who do good.

It may seem like the world is packed with nothing but bad actors, particularly when you look at the Mexican drug war situation.  Corrupt cops, gun smugglers, dope dealers, money launderers… the list goes on.  But you can’t have a war without having two sides, and I realized when writing Tequila Sunset that it was reductive at best, and flat-out wrong at worst, to simply assume everyone involved in this situation is tainted.

My book has three main characters: a convict and gang member, an El Paso police officer and a Mexican federal agent.  They are all, to a one, honorable people doing their best in a situation where honor is considered a weakness.  I could easily have had Flip, my gang member, be an irretrievable scumbag with no redeeming qualities, my El Paso detective a hapless victim of the back-and-forth drugs-and-guns trade, and my Mexican federal agent corrupt.  And it’s definitely true that people of these types exist.  But what’s the point of a story told from that perspective?  We all know things are bad.  What we don’t know is that there are forces on the side of right who will sacrifice anything, even their lives, for the cause of justice.  There’s more drama there than in a million tawdry stories about drug-addled losers.

I had an interviewer ask me about this very point, and I told him I believe in people.  It’s way too easy to stop believing, and I think that’s a tragedy.

Don’t go too big.

The problem of Mexico and the drug war is, as I mentioned, enormous.  When more than 60,000 people die over a six-year period, that’s huge.  Under other circumstances a body count like that could be called a genocide.  Massive agencies on the federal level, American and Mexican, struggle with this issue daily.  Millions are being spent.  It’s the central preoccupation of the entire country of Mexico, when all the people really want to do is make a living and do right by their loved ones.

In a situation like that, the temptation is to go big.  Really big.  Movers and shakers make for high drama, right?  But people don’t read novels to hear about policymakers.  They want to know about other people, and that means telling stories that are meaningful on an individual basis.  I boiled Tequila Sunset down until its focus fell on just three people, each representative of a greater part of the conflict, but people nonetheless.  That’s where the heart is found.

I once tried (and failed) to write a novel that tackled these gigantic issues with similar scale.  Tequila Sunset works, if it works at all, because I learned my lesson from that book.  When you get right down to it, those most directly affected by Mexico’s drug war are the ones who are most important.  Not the suits in Washington, DC or Mexico City.  To catch the big fish, go for the smallest lure.

***

Sam Hawken is the Crime Writers Association Dagger-nominated and bestselling author of The Dead Women of JuárezTequila Sunset and Missing. He is a native of Texas now living on the east coast of the United States.  A graduate of the University of Maryland, he pursued a career as a historian before turning to writing. He is active in autism-related causes.

Sam Hawken: Website | Twitter

Tequila Sunset: Amazon

Rachel Howzell Hall: Five Things I Learned Writing Land Of Shadows

Los Angeles Homicide Detective Elouise ‘Lou’ Norton catches a case: a seventeen-year old girl is found hanged at a construction site. Lou’s partner, Colin Taggert, fresh from the Colorado Springs police department, assumes it’s a teenage suicide. But Lou doesn’t buy the easy explanation. For one thing, the condo site is owned by Napoleon Crase, a self-made millionaire… and the man who may have murdered Lou’s missing sister thirty years ago.

* * *

As Lou investigates the girl’s death, she discovers links between the two cases. She’s convinced that when she solves the teenage girl’s case she will finally bring her lost sister home. But as she gets closer to the truth, she also gets closer the killer.

I learned many things while writing this story, but here are the most important:

JUST CUZ IT’S INTERESTING, I DON’T GOTTA TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

‘Damn, will you just SHUT UP?’ I’ve thought that any time That Guy/That Girl cornered me and proceeded to tell me everything he learned about a newly-discovered millipede in the forests of Peru and goes on and on about I-don’t-even-know-what-the-HELL-he-or-she-is-talking-about. And it started all because I asked ONE question about the ant creeping across the slice of cantaloupe.

We writers can be That Guy/That Girl. Because murder and forensics and cops… Interesting! And so, as I learn stuff like how blood changes over the course of a week or the psychological profile of the typical serial killer, it’s all so cool and my first reaction is: This will be great in Chapters 6, 15, 26, 33 and 70!

But I’ve learned to grab the imaginary spray bottle, give myself a spritz and a firm, ‘No!” Cuz talking about everything is boring. Get in. Get out. Skip the parts people skip.

WHEN IN THE PRESENCE OF REAL-LIFE POLICE, AND I ONLY HAVE TEN MINUTES TO ASK QUESTIONS, DON’T BE DUMB ABOUT IT.

Cops are busy. And they don’t like spending time talking about their day-to-day to us twee writing assholes. So, if a cop is sitting there, not chasing nuts and felons, and is willing to talk to me, I’ve learned not to ask them about the type of gun they carry or what a radio code means or what’s in their patrol car. Those details can be found on the Inter-webs or learned by watching good television shows.

I learned to ask good questions, especially of female cops. And since Lou is a girl, I asked those lady cops very nosy questions. Un-Google-able questions, like, ‘If you’re at a crime scene, and it’s going on the third hour, what do you do when you’re on your period?’ Un-Google-able. Or, ‘Your partner Bruno is a man. You’re married. But you’re with Bruno all day. He’s watching your back, and you’re watching his back, and umm… Is it natural that you wanna, you know, stop sometimes at the Travelodge over on Century Boulevard, the one near the airport, and umm… you know?’

Un-Google-able.

IT’S EASIER TO WRITE A COP WITH NO LIFE OUTSIDE OF DEAD BODIES AND GLOCKS.

I read stories involving these cops a lot. And these stories have many readers. Good reviews. TV series, even. But I discovered that I didn’t want to write that cop. Nor did I want her to be explained simply by the type of music she listens to or what she pours over ice. I set out to create a character that reflects my friends, women, me. Yes, music and liquor, but also religion, politics, family relationships, boxers or briefs, M.A.C. or Estee Lauder, Foxxy Brown or L’il Kim.

Lou is more than murder police. She’s married, is a daughter, has lost her sister, has BFFs, reads bad romances, and loves BBQ ribs and wine. How do I incorporate all that without going overboard? Yeah, that’s the rub. But Lou is worth the trouble, and she’s more interesting now—kind of like leather bags getting better as they’re scraped and battered by life.

READING CHANDLER, DASHETT, CONNELLY, MOSLEY AND LEHANE HELPED – BUT ONLY HELPED A LITTLE WHEN CREATING A FULLY-REALIZED FEMALE DETECTIVE.

I didn’t want Lou to be John Rebus with ovaries nor did I want her to be Bridget Jones with a Glock. I wanted her to be a contradiction wrapped in a riddle trapped in a conundrum of steel and puff pastry. Crime: it’s a man’s world. And fictional men, just like men in real life, have more privilege than women. Don’t make that face. It’s true. And white men definitely have more privilege than black women (psst – Lou’s a black woman, if you didn’t know that by now). Unlike Harry Bosch, she can’t go off the grid, curse out her superiors, smoke in the no-smoking zone—not if she wants to keep her job. Because they physics of her world and our real-life world are the same. She has to show up and take deep breaths and constantly prove to the Bosches and Spillanes of the crime-fighting world that she belongs, that she won’t faint at the sight of blood, that her boobs won’t keep her from hammer-fisting a nut with a knife.

THERE’S SOME SCARY CRAP OUT THERE.

As a crime writer, I lift the city’s skirts to see the ugly so that I can then write about it. And boy, oh, boy, what the city has under her skirts.

However!

Just because I’ve come across horrid, wicked shit doesn’t mean that I have to write it. In my humble opinion, too many writers engage in torture porn, stories that get off on cruelty against the females in their stories. Some writers would argue, ‘Hey, it happened in real life. And you have dead females in your books!’ True dat—and I’ve read that same article in the newspaper about that monster who did those awful things to those women. And yeah, the victims in my novel are female. But I aim to report, not glorify their deaths. Reflect and not bask in the ways they’ve died. Sometimes, I’ve learned, you gotta just say, ‘Hell naw, I’m not writing that.’

But that’s me. You do you… you sick f#&%.

* * *

Rachel Howzell Hall lives in Los Angeles. Her new mystery LAND OF SHADOWS (Forge) featuring Detective Elouise ‘Lou’ Norton is available everywhere!

Rachel Howzell Hall: Website | Twitter

Land of Shadows: Amazon | B&N

Kristi Belcamino: Five Things I Learned Writing Blessed Are The Dead

To catch a killer, one reporter must risk it all …

San Francisco Bay Area newspaper reporter Gabriella Giovanni spends her days on the crime beat, flitting in and out of other people’s nightmares, yet walking away unscathed. When a little girl disappears on the way to the school bus stop, her quest for justice and a front-page story leads her to a convicted kidnapper, Jack Dean Johnson, who reels her in with promises to reveal his exploits as a serial killer. But Gabriella’s passion for her job quickly spirals into obsession when she begins to suspect the kidnapper may have ties to her own dark past: her sister’s murder.

Risking her life, her job, and everything she holds dear, Gabriella embarks on a quest to find answers and stop a deranged murderer before he strikes again.

* * *

1. I don’t know a comma from a hole in the ground.

After a career as a newspaper reporter, writing sometimes four articles a day, you’d think I’d have even a slight grasp on comma use. Nope.

When I was polishing Blessed are the Dead for publication, part of that process involved the publisher hiring a copyeditor to go over the entire manuscript and marking it all up to hell. Demoralizing.

Especially, when I realized that ninety-nine percent of the copy editor’s changes involved commas. Humiliating.

(Incidentally, I also learned from the copy editor that douche bag is two words and barstool is one.)

2. My first chapter sucked.

And so did the second.

Originally, my first chapter had my character, Gabriella Giovanni, lollygagging around at some Farmer’s Market smelling flowers, talking Italian, and picking out the most primo loaf of sourdough bread.

Boring.

So eventually I got rid of the entire chapter and began with what once was chapter two. Guess what? That was just as boring.

Now, the first chapter in my book is actually what once was the third chapter—where the action is. Go figure.

Don’t be afraid to vomit those words on the paper just to get yourself into your story because you can always go back and slice and dice like I did.

3. Even though I have a book deal, there’s not much difference between me and every other writer out there busting their butt to get published.

The best thing I have going for me is my perseverance. It’s not about talent. I’m not any more talented than my friends without a book deal. In fact, in many cases, they’ve got heaps more talent than me.

What I’ve got going for me is the desire to work hard, to be stubborn as hell about not giving up, and a smidgen of luck.

For instance, during my path to publication, I’d hear people say things like this: “I’ve queried my top three dream agents and none of them saw the greatness of my writing so I’m just going to give up.”

Every time I heard that, I’d think, well, after I’ve queried about 400 agents, then maybe I’ll consider writing a different book and querying that.

4.  Writing a novel takes less time than you think.

I’ve become a member of the Church of One Thousand Words that Brad Parks mentions. To be a parishioner is easy, just write one thousand words a day. Minimum. If you do this, you will have a book in three to four months. Period. It’s that easy. Of course, you might spend another year revising that first draft, but to me, that’s the fun part. Once I realized that writing a book could be broken down in this simple way, I was home free.

Five days a week I make sure I write one thousand words. Most often, I write more, often double that, but when I have those thousands words as my bare minimum, I make progress. I also end my day with a feeling of accomplishment. I made my goal.

5.  I don’t know jack shit about writing.

Last but not least, I realized how little I truly know and how much I have to learn and improve. But I’ve learned that this is a healthy attitude to have. The day I think I know it all and give up learning craft or abandon my efforts to be a better writer is the day it all ends.

* * *

Kristi Belcamino is a writer, artist and crime reporter who also bakes a tasty biscotti. Her first novel, “Blessed Are the Dead,”  is inspired by her dealings with a serial killer during her life as a Bay Area crime reporter. As an award-winning crime reporter at newspapers in California, she flew over Big Sur in an FA-18 jet with the Blue Angels, raced a Dodge Viper at Laguna Seca, and watched autopsies.

Kristi Belcamino: Website | Facebook

Blessed Are The Dead: Amazon | B&N | iTunes

“I Can’t Even Right Now With The Women,” Says Ubisoft

Ubisoft has determined that the ladies are not a vital part of its next Assassin’s Creed game, Unity. Female avatars for multiplayer will not be featured because, and this is paraphrased: “I can’t even right now with the women. Animating men is easy but women? Pssh. The boobs are like, millions of dollars to get those things right because I’m pretty sure they don’t work according to physics? They’re like, ghost spheres or demon orbs. And don’t even get me started on vaginas. What even are vaginas? Where are they? Do they have powers? Given that we do not know any women, and we have not been able to capture any of these elusive creatures, we will be striking their mythic presence from our game because honestly, nobody has even proven to me they exist. The game will, however, feature a Bigfoot Robot to replace Napoleon.”

Okay, they didn’t say that, exactly.

From the article:

“It’s double the animations, it’s double the voices, all that stuff and double the visual assets,” Amancio said. “Especially because we have customizable assassins. It was really a lot of extra production work.”

In the game’s co-op mode, players will have custom gear but always view themselves as Arno, Unity‘s star. Friends are displayed as different characters with the faces of other assassins.

“Because of that, the common denominator was Arno,” Amancio said. “It’s not like we could cut our main character, so the only logical option, the only option we had, was to cut the female avatar.”

Speaking with Polygon during a different interview, level designer Bruno St. Andre estimated more than 8,000 animations would have had to be recreated on a different skeleton.

Oh, well, jeez, that is tough.

Creating a diligently, realistically-imagined version of Paris during the French Revolution was easy, apparently, compared to including women as playable avatars. Something that many other games accomplish — Bioware makes an effort to do this, which is what you have to do, isn’t it? Make an effort. Something Ubisoft cannot be bothered to do, it seems.

I mean, The Sims lets you play as a man, woman, boy, girl, or androgynous space Frankenstein.

Oh, but maybe history plays a role, right? Because there surely weren’t women assassins —

Wait, wuzzat?

Charlotte Corday was a female assassin from the French Revolution?

Oh. Huh.

Huh.

But, hey, history is too much work.

Women? Just too much work, too.

Thankfully, me spending money on this game is also — say it with me — too much work. Acknowledging approximately half of your game audience was just too hard for Ubisoft, and so do not be surprised if it’s just too hard for me to spend money on a game that cannot even do the bare minimum in terms of inclusion. C’mon, Ubisoft. Really? Fucking really? You’ve been progressive in the past, so what gives? Why the backpedaling? Why the lazy lean toward the outmoded (and unproven) assertion that women don’t play AAA games? Do better. Make effort. Spend the coin.

Otherwise, why will folks spend their coin with you?

Vote with your dollar, folks.

Oh, hey.

I hear Bioware has a new game coming out