Category: The Ramble (page 255 of 478)

And, I’m out.

For this week, at least, I’m taking off — I just posted the holiday confectionary share-around post, so you should feel free to jump on into those yummy waters. But otherwise, for this week, terribleminds is gonna go and get good and sick on egg nog and rib roast and pass out under the Christmas tree, nude but for a draping of tinsel and strategically-placed blinky lights. And by “terribleminds,” I mean me. Because terribleminds is not a person. I don’t even know why I said that. This blog hasn’t become animated. It isn’t alive. Not yet. Not until I can properly summon the lightning demons.

Anyway.

(Yes, I’ll still be dealing with the Nerdtivity votes this week, no worries.)

Go forth, and Happy Whatever-The-Hell-You-Celebrate. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Solstice, an Agnostic Shrug-Fest, some kind of Godless Atheist Orgy. (I really need to get an invite to the Godless Atheist Orgy next year. Uh-huh, sure, sure, my “invitation keeps getting lost in the mail.” Sure, yeah, fine, I’ll renounce all gods, okay? Yes, yes, even Artemis.)

I occasionally get folks who email me and say, I want to get you something for the holidays, which is of course super-sweet unless it’s a mail-bomb of Hep-C, but I guess even then it’s the thought that counts? And seriously, it’s very nice the folks who say that, and to them I say only that: if you want to get me something, then maybe buy one of my books. Or leave a review! We authors love reviews. The very existence of this site is because of you kind people doing both of those things, and so, either of those would make me holly jolly as all-get-out.

I mean, either that, or buy me a jetboat.

Book, review, jetboat. In that order. Except put the jetboat first. Because I need something to drive to the Godless Atheist Orgy next year, and I’m pretty sure a jetboat is a way to arrive in style.

Thanks for reading the blog. Thanks for checking out my books.

I’ll see you next week to close out the year with various thoughts that will allow us to throw 2014 on the funeral pyre and watch the firebird of 2015 rise from its charred carcass-ash.

Merry Whatever, Good People of the Internet!

*throws an elf up in the air*

Pull!

*detonates elf with shotgun blast*

WE HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU.

Ahem. Okay, sorry.

It’s that time again to share recipes of sweet treats that one might make during the holidays. Or before them. Or after them. Or any time of the year ever. This means cookies, pies, cakes, etc.

All you gotta do is drop a recipe or a link to a recipe in the comments below. What cookies do you make for the holidays to mesmerize house guests and lure them into your holly jolly murder pit? What pies will besiege your mouth and the mouths of your friends with their heretical pie-magic? WHAT SUGARY ARTIFICE DO YOU CONJURE TO BEWILDER PASSERSBY SO THAT YOU MAY HARVEST THEIR BONES FOR PEPPERMINT STICKS?

That maybe got a little intense.

Mea culpa.

Point is:

You. Recipe. Sweet thangs. Comment section.

Now, here’s what I’m sharing:

This recipe is listed as the BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE RECIPE EVER.

And it pretty much is.

I’ve been searching for the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe for years — and kinda never found one. Good ones, sure, because it’s hard to make a bad chocolate chip cookie. But a perfect one? Made at home?

Yeah, that one counts. Made them last year. Made them again this year.

(Bonus: I’ve a relative who notes that you can take the vanilla extract out of the equation and sub in a little thing called motherfucking bourbon and the cookies become basically divine. Which tells me that any recipe that calls for vanilla extract might be all the more delicious if you stick bourbon in it, instead. Or maybe just drink bourbon and skip the cookies. Whatever.)

Only things I’ll add regarding that recipe:

Do weigh the flour.

Use good chocolate.

Use good brown sugar — in fact, sub in a 1/2 cup of muscovado brown sugar as part of the brown sugar content of the recipe. (Good muscovado smells really lovely — heady molasses scent.)

Do not eat all the cookies the moment they exit the oven.

That last one, I speak from experience.

*urp*

Now, share your recipes or I’ll pull this lever.

*eyes lever*

*eyes trapdoor under your feet*

*eyes lever again*

Last week’s challenge: randomized title challenge!

This week is easy enough:

I want you to pull up a random song. You can do this on iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, whatever music service or library you choose. Then I want you to take the title of the song it randomly chooses and make that title your story title. You aren’t required to take inspiration from the song’s music or lyrics, though that’s certainly an option.

That’s it, really.

I am going to make this the last flash fiction challenge of the year, so I’m going to open up the word count a good bit — 3,000 words or less. So, you’ve got a higher ceiling than usual (and this isn’t really flash fiction anymore, at least in terms of length). The deadline, though, we’ll keep at a week just so the speed of the thing remains in play somewhat.

Due by next Friday, noon EST.

Write it at your online space.

Drop a link back here in the comments.

If you’re so inclined to also link to a place where we can hear the song: extra cool.

Grab a song and write.

And have a great holiday, word-nerds. SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Trapped outside the world, unlikely hero Thaddeus Wright must partner with sexy Secret Agent Peter Pan to save a new generation of Lost Boys.

Thaddeus Wright would love to forget his childhood. A bi-racial bastard orphaned at four, he was the very definition of sin, according to the strict and disapproving grandparents who raised him. Twenty years later, Thad works with at-risk youth as both coach and counselor. Even after his grandparents’ spare-the-rod, spoil-the-child parenting, Thad just wants to help people. But when three young boys he coaches go missing, he’s the prime suspect.

Especially when he goes missing himself!

That’s when paranormal policing agency Borderless Observers Org. (BOO) sends in recent recruit Peter Batique on his first solo mission. Peter had another name once, but he’s all grown up now and looking to prove himself an adult and a capable agent. However, after a hundred years as an unruly boy in Neverland, growing up holds some pretty unique challenges for Peter.

Despite their differences, Thad and Peter must learn to work together to rescue a whole new generation of Lost Boys and take down the black market shadow dealer responsible.

USA Today gave it 5 stars, calling it “a mash-up of a detective novel, horror story and modern-day romance.”

JOSS WHEDON KNOWS!

You like Firefly? Buffy? The Avengers? I do. A. Lot. Why, you ask? (Yes, you did.) Because of the fun/fright balance. Oh, sure, the characters, the dialogue, the setting, the plotty goodness… They’re fine, too. But it’s the dark-to-light ratio—the humor vs. horror—that sucks me right in. And a lot of other people too, if box office numbers are any indication. It’s funny when Captain Tight Pants boots a guy into Serenity’s engine. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

DRAMEDY IS A THING…

It’s a sliding scale—light and fun on one end, heart-wrenching, gut-ripping darkness on the other. With the dramedy sliding scale, the light-to-dark ratio changes. Dean Winchester gets sucked into Hell—deadly serious stuff. But he quips as he goes. Guffaw! Lightly dark or darkly light. Guardians of the Galaxy is a comedy in which thousands of people die. Constantine is dark, dark, dark… until it’s not. Lost Boys 2.0 is a tragic story that’ll make you laugh and cheer. Or it’s a funny story that’ll make you sleep with the lights on.

…AND SO IS FUN-TASY!

Whether it’s shelved in horror or romance or sci-fi, if it’s funny and it’s fantasy, it’s fun-tasy. Look, the Queen gave Sir Terry Pratchett a knighthood for being funny. Who’s going to argue with Liz? I hear she’s a huge Discworld fan.

CROSSING GENRES IS GREAT!

Let’s screw with reader expectations. With mashed-up genre books there’s something for everyone. Well, maybe not for the guy who’s allergic to vowels. I love a book that has plots within plots, unexpected twists and turns. Why take anything out of your writerly toolbox? My fave thing about Chuck’s Blue Blazes was the romantic sub-plot. “Bwa-huh?” you say? Go back and read it again.

THE SAME ONLY DIFFERENT

Writing two heroes offers different challenges, different perspectives and an entirely different dynamic. Who rescues who? (Or is that whom?) Twice the heroes, twice the testosterone, a heck of a lot more conflict.

And yet still the same writerly challenges: the characters, the dialogue, the setting, the plotty goodness…

And when all else fails, blow something up.

* * *

She’s two people, actually. Aren’t you? Storm Grant pens long and short tales. Her work spans genders and genres, offering good guys and bad puns. Her alter ego, Gina X. Grant, writes funny urban fantasy.

Storm Grant: Website | Twitter | Facebook

Lost Boys 2.0: Amazon | B&N | iTunes

You’re probably caught up to speed, but in case you aren’t:

Hackers, which may or may not be connected to North Korea, found Sony’s new film, The Interview, quite disagreeable — so much so that they hacked the unmerciful shit out of Sony (thus releasing emails and scripts and other internal company information, which our news media flocked to like a pack of starving vultures) and threatened terror attacks in the style of 9/11 if the film was released. Some big theater chains understandably capitulated, and then Sony folded like a paper airplane, too. Sony won’t even release the film on VOD. (At Time Magazine: Everything We Know About Sony, The Interview, and North Korea.)

Ha ha ha, where were those hackers when someone decided to make that new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Am I right, guys? Huh? Huh? Ha ha ha ha OH GODDAMNIT DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH. That was a trap. I just trapped you. You thought we were engaging in some snarky pop culture japery, didn’t you? You fool. You fool. This shit isn’t funny. As a writer? As a guy who creates things for a living? This is utterly fucking terrifying.

This proves that hackers, terrorists, and enemy nations now have a vote as to the media we make and the stories we see. That’s blood gone cold scary. This sounds like the plot of a Neal Stephenson or William Gibson novel, or worse, the plot of a novel by someone trying to emulate them. (“The sky was the color of a movie theater screen not carrying Sony’s THE INTERVIEW.”)

Disagreeable and controversial art is an essential element of our cultural discourse.

It is vital that art — no matter who finds it uncomfortable — be allowed its day. (Yes, provided of course that the art or the creation of that art isn’t actually violating anybody’s actual rights or breaking any actual laws.) Any erosion of this freedom to make and distribute art is frightening. It sets an unholy precedent. It suggests a world where, if any one group big or small finds something you’re making disagreeable, then you shouldn’t get to tell that story — and we shouldn’t get to see, read, or hear that story.

The Great Dictator? A Clockwork Orange? Straw Dogs? Bowling for Columbine? What about books like Handmaid’s Tale — or, since it has generated controversy, Harry Potter? Or television shows like MASH, or Soap, or All in the Family? Or, drum roll please, South Park?

Imagine that one person, one group, or one nation rejected one or all of those.

And threatened not just the tellers of those stories but, in fact, the audience, too?

What’s doubly puzzling to me is some of the reactions I’m seeing online.

Well, worse things have happened this week.

Yeah, no, I know. That’s not wrong, and I dunno if you’ve noticed, but the news around the globe on a good day is a horror-spackled murderfest shit-show. CIA torture, schools attacked, police brutality, racism, rape, all of it. Are those things all worse than The Interview not being released? Sure. Yeah. Yes. But, I want you to consider a few things. First, we can be upset about more than one thing. Meaning, we can manifest and maintain anger and fear over lots of the world’s horror-spackled murderfest shit-show problems all at one horrible time. Second, this one in particular is pertinent to me, and this blog, and probably all of you because we are the tellers of stories and also the listeners of stories. Third and for me, the most important?

This cuts to the heart of a very significant issue — because all of those things we’re talking about, the police brutality, the CIA, the institutional racism and sexism and rape culture? Well, part of our way of fighting back against such horror is through our media. With news, social media, and also, through storytelling. Stories are vital cultural mechanisms. Any threat — any threat at all! — to our ability to share information and to criticize the world around us is scary.

This isn’t a freedom of speech issue, it’s a money issue.

It’s actually neither, really. This isn’t a constitutional freedom of speech issue, because all parties involved are free-thinking (if somewhat craven) companies. It’s also not a money issue because I’m fairly sure that Sony is better off releasing this than, y’know, not ever releasing it. It’s going to cost Sony over $100 million to not release a film they have already made.

(Further, this controversy has probably done more for The Interview than any actual marketing or advertising could manage. If Sony would suck it up and release this movie today on VOD, smart money says they’d make bank.)

The issue here isn’t censorship or money, the issue here is that art is under attack by an enemy entity. This isn’t your standard capitalism. This isn’t vote with your dollar where people have chosen to not go see a movie because they think it’s shitty or toxic or whatever — this is a criminal attack on a company accompanied by a terroristic threat and the company has capitulated. And… nobody seems to be doing anything about it.

The Interview isn’t art, Chuck, so who really cares? It’s tasteless.

Well, for one, obviously I care.

For two, you’re attempting to speak on the quality of the film — a film that few people have actually seen. It’s not particularly fair to excoriate the quality of movie if you haven’t seen it.

For three, who gives a hot wet shit about quality? What, we’re only supposed to make movies that everyone universally agrees are good? You get a preliminary 75% on Rotten Tomatoes or you’re denied an audience? YOU’RE EITHER PIXAR OR GTFO.

I suspect that The Interview will never be released and hung on the walls of the Louvre. For all I know, the movie sucks righteously. I wasn’t impressed with the trailers, really — that said, I’ve also liked most of what Rogen and Franco have done. I’ve seen some odd potshots against the two of them during all this. Hey, fine, you don’t like them — I do, and enjoyed Pineapple Express and This Is The End — but really, this isn’t about your feelings regarding a particular actor, writer, director, or artist. And I say “artist” in the general sense, not in the “creator of masterpieces” sense. We’re not here to debate what is good art, bad art, or art at all.

We’re here to talk about a threat to our ability to create and share art.

I’m sure if the shoe were on the other foot — if someone created a movie about assassinating a sitting US president — then we’d understand. Sony should’ve known what was going to happen — it was a bad idea.

Do you hear yourself? Seriously?

I’m not a super-big fan of blaming victims, and that’s what you’re doing here. You might as well slap a bumper sticker on your car that says I STAND WITH KIM JONG UN.

Oh, and by the way? Heard of a film called Death of a President? Detailing the fictionalized assassination of George W. Bush while George W. Bush was in office? I don’t seem to remember us burning down the UK because they made that film. I don’t recall us as a nation hacking them or threatening the creators of the film or FilmFour for releasing it.

(And let’s also recall that Kim Jong Il was killed in Team America.)

This is just like any other politically correct protest of media.

Yeah, no, you’re totally right, except for the part where a protest doesn’t hack open a company’s private data and then put a terrorist cherry on this shit-cream sundae by threatening actual harm to the audience in part referencing an actual attack that happened on our soil.

I support anybody’s right to protest media. Just as one can tell disagreeable or controversial stories, one can also — and should also! — protest the stories they find disagreeable or controversial. It’s part of the cultural discourse. But this isn’t that. Repeat: this isn’t that. This is a whole other level. This is illegal. This is violent. Not the same thing at all.

Hell, I support North Korea protesting this film. I’d get that. “WE STRONGLY OPPOSE THE RELEASE OF THIS FILM,” they could say. Sure. Fair enough. High-five, NK.

Again, though: this ain’t that.

So: what’s the solution?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t. Maybe there isn’t one to be found. I have no idea if the geopolitical stage is so fraught and fragile that our country will do nothing about what feels like an attack on American companies and, by proxy, our audiences and our ideals. Maybe America has made its own bed here by being so epically shitty around the globe. If the snakes are out of the can and nobody does anything about this — then? Expect more to come. Expect groups and nations weaponized by technology. Expect that your private information is now public. Assume that the stories you want to tell are now a risk. To you. To companies. To your audience.

That turns my bone marrow to an icy slush. Maybe you’re okay with it, I dunno.

All that being said —

It’s ironic, isn’t it? A troubling, too-goofy-for-satire reversal:

The Interview is a story about members of the media assassinating a North Korean leader.

But the opposite happened: because of The Interview, North Korea assassinated our media.

Welcome to the weird new world in which we live.

A very quick unpleasant injection of (self-)publishing prattle —

So, Kindle Unlimited is Amazon’s subscription service, yeah? Those who subscribe get access to a variety of e-books that they can click and download for one monthly price. Something-something Spotify, blah-dee-dah-dee Netflix, whatever.

I like the idea as a customer, though I’ll admit a cynical sphincter-clench at the very idea of subscriptions for e-books — e-books are already so fantastically inexpensive that I can’t help the hesitation at seeing the ceiling drop even lower. I feel like Indiana Jones in a cave that’s trying to crush him. This might be my encroaching Old Man Syndrome (“NEW THINGS SCARE ME, NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO USE INTERNET EXPLORER TO CHECK MYSPACE”), but I’m always hissing and spitting at anything that might undercut any author’s ability to earn a living wage.

Regardless, right now, it’s still looking like Kindle Unlimited is troubled waters.

Here’s the news:

Last month, the payout per book checked out was $1.33. A pretty steep drop from what was hovering closer to two bucks per download — which isn’t too far off base with what you’d earn from a buyer buying the book outright (er, presuming you’re in that self-publishing sweet spot of $2.99, which is already cheapy-cheapy). But $1.33 cuts that sharply — average royalties on that e-book from a purchase would be 70%, but this drops it to 44%. (Now, there’s an argument to be had that suggests broader exposure yields to greater sales and thus softens that drop — maybe even erases that drop — though I’ll also note that this is the argument some traditional publishers use to justify the 25% or less of royalty rates in that space.)

This month — and here’s a Publisher’s Lunch link but it requires a subscription, so if anybody has a better link, toss it to me — Amazon added $3.5 million to the fund, which dramatically raised the per-download-payout to, drum roll please…

$1.36.

Wait.

$1.36?!

Three cents.

Which is puzzling, really. It’s suggestive of a couple things. Either nobody’s checking out Kindle Unlimited, or they are, but Kindle Unlimited is getting tons of use across a huge array of books. To reiterate, that means either nobody is subscribing, or there are just too many books in the program getting read to make the payout viable (meaning, the money is spread thin across a glut of books and readers). Amazon puts money in the KDP fund, and nobody really knows where that money comes from or what it’s connected to — it’s a button with tangled pipes and convoluted wiring and it’s hard to know what actually affects that number. Is Amazon just making it up? Is it tied to subscribers? Is there some mad algorithm forged in the brine-pickled belly of an Elder God?

(That’s a larger issue with Amazon, I think, in terms of self-publishing: so much of what happens there is behind the curtain. They change algorithms and suddenly a bestselling self-published book drops through the floor. Discoverability and programmatic cataloging are mysterious processes there — it is all unseen alchemy. It’d be great to have a larger sense of what they’re doing, but they’re not really forthcoming with that information for self-published authors.)

Amazon added three million to bump the payout by three cents. Meaning, without that fund bump, the payout would’ve likely been significantly lower. No idea how much, because nobody’s privy to that information.

So far, at least to my untrained eyes, it seems like Kindle Unlimited is spinning its wheels a bit — I was in for a month and didn’t see a great variety of books available (and though folks seem upset by my insistence on the “shit volcano” effect, discoverability and visibility there is trending toward zero). And stranger still, they require that exclusivity arrangement to be a part of it. Exclusivity to a single retailer and distributor is usually a thing that rewards the seller in some way. If I sell my Fabulous Donglewidget to many retailers and suddenly K-Mart is like, “Nah, fuck that, we want to sell that exclusively,” then we make a deal where I benefit to hang out only on their shelves. Because being on K-Mart’s shelves is not a reward to me — it’s not a privilege. It’s to their benefit, so it has to benefit me and my Fabulous Donglewidget (note: not a euphemism for my or anybody else’s penis). Here, though, where’s the value? “JOIN OUR EXCLUSIVE PROGRAM AND LOSE MONEY PER DOWNLOAD. WERE YOU EARNING TWO DOLLARS A DOWNLOAD? NOW IT’S A DOLLAR THIRTY! FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD, AUTHOR-HUMAN.”

Possible I’m just not seeing the value where it exists — I do not have my books enrolled. And here is a good time for any self-published authors to stop by and speak to me of their experiences, because while I’m hearing a lot of dissatisfaction from the KDP ranks, that might just be the loudest voices complaining (and remains anecdotal — aka, “artisanal data”). And I should note here that the program does make sense if you’re offering up smaller e-books: a short story priced at $0.99 earns you thirty cents on a purchase, but a dollar-thirty-ish on download from KU. That’s earning more than the actual cost of the book itself. But, if you’re selling an epic fantasy priced at $4.99 — well, the drop becomes precipitous.

I respect Amazon for being the LET’S JUST FUCK UP SOME SHIT company that they are — but I worry that they’re trying too hard. Even going so far as to competing with themselves. KDP! KDP select! Kindle Unlimited! Kindle Worlds! Amazon Publishing! Kindle Scout! I seriously cannot keep up. The Amazon ecosystem is starting to feel too jungley: choked with its own vegetation and hard to parse. (Though, again: beware my Old Man Syndrome coloring this view. GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DAMN HOVERKIDS WITH YOUR E-COMICS AND YOUR KINDLE DRUGS.)

My advice to Amazon is, at this point, drop exclusivity for Kindle Unlimited. Though that might dilute the payouts further, I dunno — at the very least, it’ll ensure that by signing on exclusively with Amazon, a self-published author isn’t also having to pay in for the not-actually-a-privilege.

Curious to hear people’s experiences. Share and share alike, folks.

And then get off my lawn.