Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

Author: terribleminds (page 175 of 478)

WORDMONKEY

Flash Non-Fiction Challenge: Share Your Spooky Experiences

IT IS NEARLY OCTOBER.

The time of Pumpkin Spice.

The time of Candy Corn.

AND THE TIME OF VISCERA-FILLED SCARECROWS WHO RISE UP FROM THE GROUND TO EAT YOUR EYES AND YOUR TONGUE AHHHHHH.

What, just me? Whatever.

Throughout October (and starting now), we’ll be going with the spooky Halloween vibe, and to start, I want you to write something non-fiction. I want you to remember a time where you were scared, where you felt you were experiencing something strange or supernatural or preternatural — some “glitch in the Matrix” moment, some scary, unreal event.

Due by 10/7, Friday, noon EST.

Write it here in the comments or at your blog with a link.

Time to sit around the campfire and tell some stories, folks.

Things Hillary Clinton Could Do During The Debate To Lose My Vote To Donald Trump: A Very Important List

I will not be watching the debate tonight.

I mean, really, what’s the point? I’m already an informed citizen. I know the candidates well.

I know one is a highly-qualified, globally well-respected figure, and I know the other is a greasy orange rectal discharge that came to life when struck by lightning one Halloween night.

One is complicated and flawed; the other is a demonic carnival barker.

One is a politician. The other, a plague unto man.

The debate’s gonna stress me out. Here’s how it’ll play out: I’ll put the tiny human to bed and then sit down for a warm, comforting, relaxing sleepy-time presidential debate, which will pull me tighter than a hangman’s rope. Christ, I’m already battling a bout of insomnia. Watching the debate just before crashing out, I might as well hoover up a bindle of cocaine and settle in for the NEVERSLEEP NIGHTMARE RIDE.

I know what happens at the debate. I know. We all know.

I’m going to watch Hillary being nuanced and clinical, and I’m going to watch Trump bloviating and blowing oily chunks of word-vomit into everybody’s mouths, and I know the Political Commentary Corps will ding her for being imperfect and celebrate him for not calling the moderator a racist epithet. (“It’s very presidential how he did not use bigoted language tonight. Though he did stomp on a bag of kittens, but sometimes being a president requires tough decisions. Did you see him on Fallon? So chummy! Hillary, on the other hand, did not successfully convince us that she is not dying from a secret monkey-flu. And would it kill her to smile once in a while? Even though when she smiles, we then say we wish she wouldn’t smile, and we use hilarious memes to mock her. Women are so silly, thinking everybody is always sexist.”)

The other day I suggested that Trump was an antibiotics-resistant strain of gonorrhea, and though that was a joke, the more I think about it, the more I consider the metaphor apt. We are used to politicians fitting a certain mold, and Trump doesn’t. In a given day, The Donald does ten things that would’ve handily disqualified more qualified candidates. Think Howard Dean’s YEEEYAAAY scream, for instance. Trump, though, threatens nuclear war before breakfast. He’s going to court for like, 357 different things, one of them being child rape. And yet, he persists. Because we weren’t ready. We built up antibodies for politicians. We have no antibodies for this oily fuckmonster. We don’t know how to defeat a reality TV star. His antics got right past our defenses and now he’s inside the system, like a septic infection.

So, I know who I’m voting for.

Just the same, I have to be willing to admit I’ll change my vote if Clinton really does fall down in some areas, and I thought it useful here to highlight what those things might be, just in case she’s reading this. HRC, you do any of these things, you have lost my vote:

1. Rip off your face and reveal the pale grinning 1980s-smarmy rich-kid movie villain rictus of Donald Trump, Jr. “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddlesome fact-checkers!” Ha ha ha, just kidding, nobody’s going to fact check this debate.

2. Kill one of my pets or children on stage.

3. …

3. uhhh

3. whhh

3. *clears throat*

Okay, that’s literally it. There is no number three.

I tried thinking of other things like, “What if she set fire to the moderator,” or, “What if she answered every question with a line from a Vanilla Ice song,” or “What if she left a one-star review of one of my books,” and y’know, nope, sorry, still gonna vote for her. Because Trump is the worst candidate in my memory, and likely the memory of all American history. The guy is a Grade-A Narcissist who will chop this country up and sell the spare parts to Russia. Hillary — who I like, who I respect, who I do not consider the lesser evil — could literally be a new model of Terminator Robot sent to Earth to destroy us and I’d still be like, “Well, at least our deaths will be quick and clean, and maybe we can change her like we did the Cyberdyne Systems Series 800 Resistance Infiltrator, and she can say things like, HASTA LA VISTA, DONALD and we’d all have a good laugh and a good cry as lava consumes her metal exoskeleton.”)

And of course I’m not going to switch my vote to a third-party candidate because I’d have better luck trying to defecate a living, breathing unicorn. As much as I wish we had a viable third-party system, we don’t, and the possibility of electing a third-party candidate — without electoral reform! — is a hair’s breadth from zero. (Never mind the fact that these two third-party candidates are a pair of chuckleheads anyway. Neither is qualified to lead a country line dance much less the actual country.)

So, my vote is set.

Pretty much no matter what.

Enjoy the debates. I’m gonna watch cartoons and eat a bowl of cereal.

Hillary, please don’t kill my pets, please and thank you.

Macro Monday Has My NYCC Schedule For You

AUTUMN HAS ARRIVED.

It is 42 degrees out — the temperature of life, the universe, and everything.

Normally, I hate when it gets cold, but fuck it — the summer overstayed its welcome.

So, here we are.

And today’s macro is a dead leaf with with droplets on it.

Here’s a couple things —

Tomorrow, I’m with the incomparable and unparalleled FRAN WILDE at the Rittenhouse Barnes & Noble in Philadelphia starting at 7PM to host the launch of her newest, Cloudbound.

Next week, I’m at NYCC, and I’ve got my schedule all buckled up for ye:

Thursday, October 6

4:00 – 4:30 PM

ZER0ES SIGNING (free book! come get!)

Location: HarperCollins Booth # 2118-2119

*

5:00 – 6:00 PM

STAR WARS SIGNING

Location: Star Wars Booth 2108

Friday, October 7

11:00 AM – 12:00 PM

PANEL: Star Wars Publishing

Location: BookCon @ NYCC – 500 W 36th St

Details: Some of the biggest and best Star Wars authors such as Timothy Zahn (Heir to the Empire, Thrawn), Chuck Wendig (Aftermath, Life Debt), Jim Luceno (Tarkin, Catalyst), E.K. Johnston (Ahsoka), and Charles Soule (Lando, Obi-Wan & Anakin, Poe Dameron), will be on hand to discuss their approach, process, and reception to writing stories set in a galaxy far, far away. Plus, exclusive sneak peeks into the future of Star Wars publishing, and more! Moderated by Lucasfilm’s Michael Siglain and Jennifer Heddle.

*

12:15 PM – 1:15 PM

STAR WARS SIGNING

Location: BookCon Autograph Area (books for sale)

*

5:00 PM – 6:00 PM

STAR WARS SIGNING

Location: Star Wars Booth 2108

Saturday, October 8

11:00 AM – 12:00 PM

STAR WARS SIGNING

Location: Star Wars booth 2108

Sunday, October 9

11:30 PM – 12:30 PM

STAR WARS SIGNING (with Timothy Zahn)

Location: Star Wars Booth 2108

Monday, October 10

Something secret and special and as-yet-unannounced…

* * *

So, there you go.

And holy crap I get to meet and hang with Timothy Zahn. How exciting is that? (Answer: very.) Zahn is fundamental. Historic. And also writing a new Thrawn book, so…

And OOH one more thing, one more really cool thing:

My novella, The Forever Endeavor, is coming out October 25th from Fireside Fiction.

You can preorder it here:

Kindle | iTunes | Kobo

It’s a book about Dale, an addict who finds a box that lets him time travel back in time ten minutes — but, spoiler warning, when he goes back, he discovers that he is no longer the Only Dale in town. And it’s a book about Walter, the cop who finds a pumpkin patch filled with dozens of dead bodies — dead bodies that appear to belong to the one guy. And it’s about how these two stories, um, intersect with the push of a button a time-traveling box.

(It also contains a bunch of little references to the Wendigverse.)

Anyway.

I think that’s all she wrote.

*explodes in a pile of autumn leaves*

*and millipedes*

You, Me, And Margaret Atwood: Pelee Island Writer’s Retreat

The Pelee Island Writer’s Retreat has four more days left on the clock.

You can, right now, go there and sign up for a week-long writing retreat on the island with either Margaret Atwood or myself as your instructor. Margaret asked me to be a part of it, and in my experience, when she asks you something like that, you say yes. She could pull up in a wizard van full of mysterious birds and, you know, c’mon. You say yes to that adventure. You just do.

So, I said yes. And I want to teach the class, but I need a class to teach.

It’s on an island. In a lake. In Canada. It’s also an island with bird observatory.

BIRDS, GODDAMNIT. BIRDS. I love birds! So exciting.

You buy the perk, you get room, food, and we get to hang out for a week to talk about how our stories work inside — and transcend — the boundaries of genre.

This will be huge. And fun. You should go.

Listen to Margaret Atwood! Join us! One of us! One of us.

Yes, Virginia, Writing Is Too A Job

First came the article about the writer who wrote a novel and then went broke.

Then came the response at The Billfold, which said blah-blah something-something about how you can’t really make a living working as a writer because writer isn’t a job.

‘…but come the fuck on. Kafka, Dickens, Nabokov — they all had day jobs. Novelists have day jobs! Roxane Gaywho is busy and accomplished enough to be several people, still has a day job. Writers have day jobs because being a writer isn’t a job. Writing is a thing you can do if you like it! It’s a thing you might get paid for, now and again, if you’re good at it! But it’s not a job.’

*looks around*

*looks at self*

*looks at self writing*

*looks at self getting paid to write*

*looks at self getting paid to write full-time*

*looks at self inside writing shed which was paid for by writing full-time*

*grunts*

Writer is a job.

I almost feel like I should end it there.

WRITER IS A JOB, he yodels, then goes and writes.

Writing can be a career. It can be a hobby. An art form. A distraction. An exploration. Some get paid nothing to do it. Others, very little. Some make enough with it to do the work full-time. Sometimes “writer” is even a job title inside a company. If you work for a video game company, or for a movie studio, or for any kind of content creation company… nnyeah, yes, those people are writers. It’s real. They’re not unicorns. They’re not secretly mailroom attendants who were given the job title of ‘writer’ just to make them happy. Don’t diminish them. They are writers who write and they write for money. I get the point. I’m not saying you should quit your day job and expect the MONEY HOVERCRAFT to back up to your house and fire wads of cash into your garage with a cannon, but there’s money there. And occasionally, it’s very good money for the time you put in.

Being a writer does not mean you are also automagically at a job. Being a writer and making money does not mean it is your only job. I had a day job while freelance writing — until one day, I didn’t, because I was making enough as a writer. A lot of novelists and freelancers have day jobs, but that doesn’t mean writing fails to serve as a companion job. It’s like, just because I ate a meal at lunch doesn’t mean dinner does not also comprise a meal. If I have one child, I may also have a second one — the second one isn’t a pet or a robot. You can have two things. You can hold two truths. You can have more than one job, and writer can be part of your cabinet of professions.

No, it’s not easy. Duh. Obviously.

But a lot of jobs and careers are not easy to enter or maintain.

Most people can’t be film directors, or cartoonists, or professional bear inseminators. But there are those who can, and who do, and who get paid accordingly.

Writing is a job. And to suggest it’s anything other than that gives in to the persistent myth that writing is some kind of joy-fueled reward factory, where the writing alone is enough to feed itself. Where we pretend that starvation and sadness are implicit to the role, and that getting paid is so rare and so strange we can’t even call it a job or a career anymore. That’s dangerous. Starvation is not a requirement. Starvation is not sexy.

That’s not to say every writer must aspire to also make it their profession. It’s totally fine to do it as a hobby. No harm no foul if you do it just to do it, just as there’s no harm no foul if you inseminate bears just to do it.

*is handed a note*

Correction: you should not randomly inseminate bears. That is, according to my lawyer, “illegal.”

Whatever.

Point is, writing is a job.

It’s okay that’s it’s a job.

It’s okay when it’s not a job.

It’s okay that it’s a hard job.

It’s okay when you also have a day job.

It’s all fine.

The end.

Go write.

It Is Art That Will Help Us Survive

It’s a little… it’s a little fucked up out there.

Right now, outside my window, it’s calm. It’s sunshine and trees. It’s the last crickets of the season. It’s squirrels, and okay, the squirrels are not calm because the squirrels are losing their fucking squirrel minds, going gonzo over every acorn and hickory nut that falls from the trees, but even still, it lends itself to an overall picture of normalcy.

Looking outside, I wouldn’t know that everything is wrong, and people are on fire.

Or maybe it’s that people are wrong, and everything is on fire.

I don’t know. The squirrels, maybe they know. The yellowjackets know, because they are tuned into the coming of winter — they get cantankerous around this time, all pissed-off and sting-happy because they know that for they and their wasp pals, it is the ends of empire as the leaves drop and the snow lurks.

And if you look online, or at the TV, or at the news, or at whatever passes for “news” on TV, you’ll see — it’s just fire and wrongness all the way down. Everything is a poisonous shit typhoon, or feels like it. It’s the hottest year on record by a good stretch. Black Americans are being shot by cops, cops protesting POC’s right to exist with bullets and institutional racism. Many dangerous bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics, and now even gonorrhea has become resistant — worst of all, an entire mass of antibiotic-resistent gonorrhea is running for president underneath a PineSol-soaked clown merkin. And that presidential candidate represents, in a way, so much of what’s WRONG-AND-ALSO-ON-FIRE, so much of what got us here — he’s like a weaponized, animated version of all the bad policy decisions and septic social movements that have plagued us and dogged our heels and tried to hold us back again and again and again. Trump is a 300-foot wicker statue filled with Twitter eggs and Gamergaters and white supremacy and sleazy snake oil capitalism and tiny fingers cut off of inadequate men. That statue is now ablaze. It lights our way not to illuminate, but to blind us.

(Let’s just make sure it’s said now: if you’re the type of person voting for Trump, we aren’t going to have much in common except for an effervescent, yeasty disdain for one another. You’re supporting someone who wants to dismantle everything. Someone who wants something so simple as food regulations to be weaker than they already are. Something so simple as, “I don’t think it should be legal for people to sell me food with actual human feces in it,” is something with which this Naugahyde Buffoon disagrees and that he opposes. And that’s just the tip of the sanity he would endeavor to undo — the sexist, racist, anti-human, anti-love components of his non-policy policies are jaw-dropping on the daily. As Drew Magery says, “fuck you.”)

So, whaddya do?

What can you do to stave off that crushing feeling of being at too great a depth in the diarrhea ocean in which we’ve been floundering? How do you get a grip and keep the grip? The obvious solutions are there, and they’re tried as well as true: get off the Internet, turn off the TV, go fuck off in the trees and watch some squirrels. I don’t even know that I’m going to watch the debates. What would be the point? Hillary could literally vomit demon-spiders onto the podium and I would still be voting for her. We are not at a point in the election where I’m like, It could go both ways for me. It can’t, it won’t. She’s my candidate. I like her, and I also like not gently elbowing our nation and its people into a deep fryer bubbling with hate-fatand self-tanning lotion.

Still, it’s hard. This has been a year of spectacularly shitty shit. Every week we seem to crater once more, shattering the mantle yet again. Bowie and Prince, two of our mighty pillars, have fallen, and now there are too few to hold us back from the screaming chaos-void above our heads. It’s bad news meteors crashing one after the next after the next. It’s hard to escape all of it. Online especially, and being online is an increasingly vital part of our work, our lives, our loves.

Again I ask, so whaddya do?

Spoiler warning: it’s art that will save us.

In a way, I think it’s art that has always saved us. Not single-handedly, of course, but it affords us all a toe-hold on the sanity in a world gone mad, and in times of lessened chaos, it helps us get back to stable surfaces. It’s why, I think, invading armies and cultural warlords always want to tear down art. They want to gash away our toe-holds. They want to give us fewer ways to hold on, fewer ways to climb up and out.

But art — words, images, sounds, music, games, experiences — can give us things that the real world never can. Art can be an escape. Art can be secret truths nestled in a sweet burrito of fiction. Art can show us who we are and who we want to be, and it can give us the metaphors and thematic connections that let us understand our world in a bigger, weirder, more resonant way. We learn who other people are through art — it’s not just our stories we need reflected, but everyone’s. Art maybe won’t create empathy out of whole cloth, but it can stir it, it can stoke it, like breath blown against cooling embers. This is true for art whether you create it or absorb it. It’s doubly true for when you share it — when we say to others, you need this. When you say, this helped me cope, or this helped me understand. The act of art as a probiotic boost to our emotional and spiritual immune systems. Art as rebellion, revelation, renewal.

Making it, taking it, absorbing it, sharing it.

Like I say, it can’t happen alone. Art by itself won’t save the day. You still need to vote. You still need to speak out and signal boost. You still need to be active when you can be active, and sometimes fuck off into the forest when you need to fuck off into the forest. We still need to do things, to be love and loved, to try to create in the world the love for others that we also want to see for ourselves. But art lends itself to that.

I don’t have some grand call-to-action here. There’s nothing really profound here, no magic snap-of-the-fingers solution to sort it all out and get on with things. I just want to say, if this goddamn fuck-all of a year is testing your resolve to simply exist, I hear you. And to that I say:

Go read a book. Watch a movie. Stare at some paintings. Listen to your favorite song. Find art that challenges you and that calms you. Find art that agitates, then find art that sedates. It’s all okay. Sometimes we need to escape. Sometimes we need to escalate. Art can help us do both. Absorb it, and if you’re so bold, make some art, too. And when you’re done, share it. Spread it all around like tasty strawberry jelly. Connect with others through this art.

Tell the world and let the art flow, motherfuckers.

It may be the only way we stay sane enough to make it to 2017.