Vital Cat Update

It’s time to talk about my cat. To which you might be saying, “Chuck, I didn’t know you had a cat!” and I’d respond with, “I didn’t know I had a cat either.” But Google — the preeminent search engine! — knows otherwise, courtesy of its wonderful, never-ever-inaccurate “AI Overview,” which is totally not a piece of shit that just makes up information willy-fucking-nilly.

In fact, here is what it would like you to know about my Definitely Real Cat:

Well! That answers that. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I actually do have a cat, as the *checks notes* Wengie Wiki will tell you. This isn’t unusual. Cats are very often little hide-and-seeky guys, right? Dear sweet Boomba is probably just tucked away in some dimensional pocket inside our house.

Hey — maybe if the Almighty Google Gemini AI knows that I have this cat, perhaps it also knows where the cat is. Let’s check!

Oh. Oh fuck. Oh no. Poor Boomba. Boomba, I hardly knew thee. Literally, in fact, I didn’t know you existed until moments ago and now you are deceased. I apparently announced it on this very blog.

But! BUT. Welcome to the family, sweet Franken! Apparently I’ve posted photos of the cat on this blog somewhere?

I saw this cat hanging around our property in July — maybe this is our cat??

Hey, who knows? But at least our family unit has been made whole, once more. Finally, catness has returned to the Wendig household, and I’m sure Franken is well-loved and healthy–

FRANKEN NO

RIP FRANKEN

I MISS YOU BUDDY

WHAT DO I DO NOW

Jesus Christ, I am going through cats like they’re dish sponges. At least this is the end of it —

What the fuck. Now there’s a Catlin? Is Catlin friends with Dartanian? Is there any chance that all of these cats are just the original cat, Boomba??

Also I have a dog named Roxie? What happened to my other two dogs, Loa and Snoobug? Do I have more pets I don’t know about?

Oh! Uhh. Oh! Okay! I still have Loa, but then I also have *checks notes* six other fucking dogs but now Roxie isn’t one of those dogs and Snoobug maybe never existed at all and —

ONCE AGAIN REALITY HAS SHIFTED

WHO ARE PIPER AND OTIS

THOSE ARE VERY GOOD NAMES FOR DOGS THOUGH

ARE THEY HEALTHY

DID ONE OF THEM EAT FRANKEN AND BOOMBA

At least I’m healthy, right??

oh SHIT

I have cancer –?!

What kind? A good kind? I mean, none of them are good kinds but is it like, a kind you can deal with? Or is it one of those other kinds? Damnit, to have to find out this way. I guess I should just thank Doctor Google for telling me.

It’s a shame I haven’t yet found religion —

oh thank GOD

literally thank God

all hail the Christ, I had no idea I embraced Christianity in a public way, but apparently I have, which I think definitely keeps my soul intact as I go onto Heaven into the arms of Christ himself and

Well, if Nat Cassidy says it, it has to be true

Whatever the case, I’m just glad at the age of 49, I have found religion

I am 49, right?

NOTHING IS REAL

NOTHING IS TRUE

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

HAIL THE CAT CHRIST I AM A YEAR YOUNGER THAN I THOUGHT

MAYBE THE CANCER ATE A YEAR OFF MY LIFE

Or maybe

just maybe

Generative AI is a sack of wet garbage.

Do not use AI for search.

DO NOT USE AI FOR SEARCH.

AI can’t even do the basic math right. Meanwhile it hallucinates endless nonsense things! So many false things! It would generate new false things if I gave it the same question string twice. This is only the tip of the iceberg for the weird things I got it to assure me were true. Some other fun things:

I had a podcast about The Expanse:

I’m a screenwriter (okay, sorta true) who wrote a monster movie called “Beware, Beware” —

I have two children, both of whom are homeschooled. I guess I keep one in the cellar, and have forgotten about him. Or her. Whatever.

I also wrote the book Incidents Around the House! Sorry, Josh Malerman! Not you, buddy. Me. I wrote it. And I also gave it the plot to The Book of Accidents, because I’m kooky like that.

Finally, did I mention my pet spider, Luigi? Who, I dunno, may or may not be named after a handsome (alleged) assassin?

So! This is just a nice little reminder that generative AI is shit. Total shit! It scrapes everything we’ve ever written and then can’t even sort through it fast enough to give us a correct answer, all the while burning down the world to lie to us. What a truly nightmarish thing we’ve created! Jesus Christ we are cooked! I only hope my precious kitty-cat is okay. My precious kitty-cat, who I’m totally not making up and feeding to the Artificial Hallucination Machine. My precious kitty cat, who is named Sir Mewlington Von Pissbreath and who is definitely real and who is six years old and who wears a little top hat and also can speak limited Cantonese.

Okay! Don’t trust AI! Burn it all down! Buy my real human-authored books! Also I guess buy Josh Malerman and Nat Cassidy’s books too! Bye!

p.s. here are my real dogs, Loa and Snoobug