Apple Review #25: Stayman Winesap

Have I asked you what your favorite apple is, yet? Okay, consider this the ask: hit me up with what is, for you, the very bestest apple. For eating, ideally, though recs for baking, saucing, cidering, chucking at wayward children, rolling down a hill in an apple race, or worshipping for evil purpose and dark intent — all those are welcome, as well. Meanwhile, let’s get to the review —

My review of a Stayman Winesap from Manoff Orchard, PA, late-Oct:

I did a dual video review of the Winesap and the Stayman Winesap, eating them both side by side — you can find the video review here, and the blog review of the Regular-Ass Winesap here.

The Stayman Winesap is, by reports, a seedling of the Winesap — which is to say, it’s related, but not in a way that necessarily matters flavor-wise, since seeds from an apple are a roulette wheel in terms of what grows from it.

That said, I did find some similarities between the Winesap and the Stayman Winesap, though those similarities might be imagined.

What I will say is this: the Stayman Winesap is like if you took the Regular-Ass Winesap and hooked its nuts up to a car battery. It unleashes a full-electric-charge into your face when you take a bite — you still get that vinous white grape thing, but then that swiftly transforms into a honeysuckle and pineapple vibe, and when I say pineapple, I don’t mean it’s reminiscent of pineapple, but rather, there were times when I was like, I’m eating a straight-up pineapple for sure. Then you’re left with a powerful lemon buzz on the lips, which I honestly love, because I crave any feeling and meaning in this dark and lightless world.

What else? Coarse flesh. Mega-juice, like, incredibly juicy, like afterward I literally had to towel off as if I just played a vigorous game of pickleball or had just finished up at the local orgy. Is that a thing? The local orgy? I’ve never been invited to one, so I wouldn’t know. Are orgies a thing you even get invited to or do you just need to be a person who knows orgy people and you sort of just end up there together? Or is it a vibe? Do you have to give off an orgy vibe and then the orgy finds you in an act of orgy manifest destiny? This is too much talk about orgies for an apple review so I’m going to try to find an exit ramp to this paragraph now, ah, there’s one —

The skin is fairly pleasant, which I did not expect because honestly the apple had this rustic look to it, as if it pulled up on a tractor and tipped its dusty John Deere hat at you. It’s got that working man’s apple thing, like this apple can work a plow, or this apple can change the oil in your Bronco. It looks a little like it would vote Republican, which did not give me hope — thankfully, it’s got way more flavor and zest than that, and clearly cares about other people too much to ever do such a horrible thing. Anyway. It’s great! Go get it.

Let’s call it a solid 8.0 out of 10.

Stayman Winesap: Doesn’t look like it, but this apple fucks

Reviews so far this year: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Red Delicious Double Feature, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap