The elevator pitch.
The logline.
The query letter.
The back-of-the-book marketing copy.
One of the skills of the author, regardless of publishing format, is pitching your book in a way that is both concise and exciting to people who might be editors, agents, booksellers or readers.
So, it’s time to practice those skills here and now, in Ye Olde Comments Section.
You’ve got a WIP (work-in-progress), yeah? Then I want you to go to the comments section and give us the shortest possible pitch you can give for the book while still maintaining maximum engagement. You want to hook us with this pitch — not necessarily reel us in. Meaning, the pitch isn’t used to describe the entire novel. Just the most exciting part — the promise of the premise. A glimpse into the protagonist, the conflict, the stakes. Why do we care? Why would that pitch make us salivate? What is it really about and why will that grab us?
It’s a tricky skill.
As I say with a query letter, it’s like taking a 500 lb. pig and putting it into a 5 lb. bucket. Except with a logline, it’s more like shoving a 500 lb. pig in a fanny pack. Epic rendering necessary.
Keep your pitch between one and three sentences.
That’s the only restriction right now.
The other thing, though, is that once you post it?
Expect people to comment upon it. The goal here is to refine your pitches, not put them up for museum display. And if you post a pitch, please make a comment on someone else’s pitch, too.
Now, step up to the pitcher’s mound and let fly.
Aron says:
A cocaine fueled couples retreat in the tropics?An enchanted bottle of tequila? Respect the magic, there will be consequences.
September 28, 2015 — 10:15 AM
kdrose1 says:
I get the device being used but think it needs more and more clarity to fully engage the reader.
September 28, 2015 — 11:59 AM
SC Rose says:
I like how you’ve set this up! And I’m intrigued! But I do feel like it needs just a little bit more. Maybe just an extra line of plot detail between “tequila” and “Respect the magic”, I think that would help a lot.
September 28, 2015 — 4:10 PM
Aron says:
Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 9:47 PM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Can one man make a difference? Jake Scott means to try.
First, though, he’ll need some things: Tents. Performers. And maybe, if he’s lucky, an elephant.
September 28, 2015 — 10:15 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
I wouldn’t change a thing. And get that man an elephant, stat!
September 28, 2015 — 10:29 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
😉 Already on it. Her name is Eloise.
September 28, 2015 — 1:36 PM
kdrose1 says:
I think it needs a more in depth explanation. To me ( and what do I know) this reads more like a logline than a pitch.
September 28, 2015 — 12:00 PM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Well, you knew it was a logline, which it is. 😉 I saw that some people commenting seemed to be leaning in that direction and decided to go that way myself. The pitch would have to read more like: “In an era when circuses and their performers have been tarred with the same brush as the carpetbagging miscreants who run them, a young journalist sets out to bring the magic back by starting a circus of his own. But as the years go by, the reputation of his beloved circus may turn out to be the least of the things he’s responsible for saving.”
September 28, 2015 — 1:34 PM
Perrin says:
I like this a lot, but it doesn’t seem to establish a specific threat, and the stakes seem a little nebulous. You imply that the ex-journalist’s own life may be on the line, and possibly those of his little circus, but is there anything more? There’s a great story in this pitch, and I want to read more!
September 28, 2015 — 11:56 PM
T Hammond says:
Excellent!
September 28, 2015 — 12:03 PM
kdrose1 says:
Like the pitch 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 1:38 PM
Steph says:
Nice! Got my attention right away.
September 28, 2015 — 2:16 PM
Noel says:
I completely love the images and humor you hint at with the last sentence. I think the first sentence may be a little generic, though–it feels like you could begin almost any pitch with that line (at least for any story with a male protagonist). Is there any way to state the actual problem a little more intriguingly?
September 28, 2015 — 3:57 PM
John Appel says:
Pitch #1, pre-caffeine: An Alistair MacLean-style thriller in a space opera universe. Augustin Mercado, an itinerant salvage engineer, is brought onto an expedition at the last moment to replace the prime engineer, who has gone missing. Salvaging a mysterious wrecked starship on a Europa-like ice-covered moon, Augustin and his team battle the environmental and technical challenges, only to discover that someone on the expedition doesn’t want it to succeed – and is willing to kill them all to ensure it doesn’t.
Pitch #2 and feedback on other’s pitches later!
September 28, 2015 — 10:18 AM
kdrose1 says:
I’d leave out the first line then the rest to me is great. Tells everything needed to get interest and does it in an interesting way to read.
September 28, 2015 — 12:04 PM
melody says:
this is good. I agree to drop the first line. tighten the third line up by dropping the first two phrases…it would grab my imagination faster without world description and ‘environmental and technical challenges’. the meat is someone is willing to kill them and it is a little lost housed with the other info.
September 28, 2015 — 3:35 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
I second this. And thumbs high on the “Ice Station Zebra in space” approach. If you can nail that same claustrophobic tension, this will be a brilliant one.
September 28, 2015 — 4:30 PM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
The City of Wonders is a city-sized island that has made its inexorable circuit across the world since the ruin of the old world. Martin is a historian who is collecting all the stories he can about the City in order to fill the gaps in the strange dreams he’s had of living and working inside it. Now he’s run afoul of a plot to rob the city that could accidentally destroy the capital and plunge the nation into open war.
———-
Argh. This needs work, I know. There’s a lot going on and I’m not sure which of the elements are most important to put right up front.
September 28, 2015 — 10:32 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
Here’s my two cents: the pieces that interest me and don’t feel cluttered: the wandering island, the ruined world, the historian, and the final sentence. I think *why* he’s researching the City can be left to the book. Also, watch the repetition of “city” and “world”.
The City of Wonders travels the skies of the ruined world, cataloged by a driven historian. Now he runs afoul …
September 28, 2015 — 10:49 AM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
Yes. That makes a ton of sense. Thank you, Aimee.
Revised.
The City of Wonders makes its circuit across the seas of a world once ruined by war and Martin follows after, collecting its legends. Now he runs afoul of a plot to rob the city that could accidentally destroy the capital and plunge the nation into open war.
September 28, 2015 — 11:27 AM
T Hammond says:
Revision is excellent! Possibilities to consider.
The (floating, or wandering?) City of Wonders makes its circuit across the seas of a world once ruined by war. Martin trails behind, collecting its legends, uncovering a plot which could destroy the capital and plunge the nation into open war.
I hate the double use of ‘war’ so possibly substitute battle or conflict?
September 28, 2015 — 12:13 PM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
I’m not happy with that either. I’m trying to shove a lot of moving parts into far too small a space. Maybe I need to drop the whole open war thing. How about:
The City of Wonders makes its circuit across the seas of a world once ruined by war and Martin follows after, collecting its legends. Now, he’s run afoul of a plot to rob the City that could lead to a catastrophe that will destroy it and thousands of innocent lives.
September 28, 2015 — 12:31 PM
T Hammond says:
destroy innocent lives flows much better for me. Great blurb.
September 28, 2015 — 12:38 PM
T Hammond says:
Sorry– I meant the whole change, not suggesting a rewrite. It looked different after I posted my last remark… I meant to say I liked “a catastrophe that will destroy it and thousands of innocent lives.”
September 28, 2015 — 12:59 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
My only suggestion would be to fit “historian” in front of Martin to make it clear why he’s following and collecting legends.
September 28, 2015 — 4:33 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
Is it possible to fit the historian and the why of being an historian? From the first pitch draft, I got the sense that’s he’s an amateur historian trying to solve the riddle of his dreams. (Which sounded dang cool).
Perhaps
Martin follows after, collecting its legends.
to
Haunted by visions of the city, historian Martin trails behind it, collecting its legends.
September 28, 2015 — 5:07 PM
Melody Jewell says:
really like this revision jimmie! very nicely done!
September 28, 2015 — 6:00 PM
POLYCHROMANTIUM (@POLYCHROMANTIUM) says:
Artificial Intelligence, fighter jets, and a woman who doesn’t know if she’s alive or dead are all part of ESCAPE LOVE’S LIGHT, a story about the race to become the world’s first living Faster-Than-Light test pilot; and a woman’s race to just stay alive so she can save the woman she loves.
September 28, 2015 — 10:39 AM
kdrose1 says:
Except for some punctuation, I think this one read well. All the pertinent info is there and exciting elements draw me in as well as tell me what kind of story to expect.
September 28, 2015 — 12:02 PM
POLYCHROMANTIUM (@POLYCHROMANTIUM) says:
I am the worst at punctuation. Thank you for your input!
September 28, 2015 — 1:13 PM
kkb says:
I love this.
September 28, 2015 — 2:13 PM
POLYCHROMANTIUM (@POLYCHROMANTIUM) says:
EEEEeeeeeee Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 5:58 PM
Mozette says:
Love the way you’ve put this out there. I really want to read this – didn’t really notice you had punctuation problems with it until somebody pointed it out.
September 29, 2015 — 12:10 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
A Tale of Two Cities plays out in another world, where the aristocracy are an elite class of scientists racing to save the human race, and the revolutionaries are the sentient undead. Prodigy Lisette de Martine may have found the the reason the dead come back, but it may not be enough to stop the sea change headed her way.
September 28, 2015 — 10:39 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
And already I see one thing: too much “may” in the final sentence. Oh well.
September 28, 2015 — 10:59 AM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
Interesting! I think you’re right about the last sentence. Perhaps phrase it as a question (…will it be enough to stop…?).
Is “sea change” literal or figurative? Could be either one and perhaps more interesting if it’s not just a turn of phrase!
September 28, 2015 — 12:21 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
There are A LOT of really cool things here, but I’d like more excitement. Perhaps lead with the scientists and undead first, then Lisette, then the setting?
September 28, 2015 — 5:13 PM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
That’s a fabulous idea. I shall steal it. Thank you!
September 29, 2015 — 10:35 AM
Melody Jewell says:
looks really good all over…how about ‘believes she has found” rather than may have found?
September 28, 2015 — 6:03 PM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
Good point. Don’t give things away, Aimee. Thank you!
September 29, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Vicious Pen says:
The tired veteran of an ancient war and a young girl meant to be a sacrifice, must find a way to save a dying land, which betrayed both of them, from an overwhelming invading force. Two people who had nothing will fight to protect a people they no longer trust and save the unexpected belonging they have with each other.
September 28, 2015 — 10:42 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
This makes me think of True Grit, and I like the conflict.
Suggestions: that first sentence is doing way too much work. Cut that bugger in half, at least, or pull something out of it. In the second sentence, I immediately wonder why they would have any interest in protecting the people they no longer trust. I suggest swapping the order: to protect their bond, they must fight to protect the people they no longer trust.
September 28, 2015 — 10:58 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
This. Just needs tightening. Sounds like a powerful story.
September 28, 2015 — 11:58 AM
Vicious Pen says:
thank you. appreciated.
September 28, 2015 — 1:30 PM
Vicious Pen says:
ah good idea. And nice I hadn’t thought of True Grit but I’m definitely going to keep that in mind now..
so are you talking like lead right out the gate with the having to protect the people they no longer trust part and everything else after?
September 28, 2015 — 1:29 PM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
You could do that, but what I specifically meant was swap the clauses of the final sentence around, keeping the sentences all in their current order. In that final sentence, lead with the why and end with the what.
September 29, 2015 — 10:38 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Some tightening needed, as already mentioned. Can you make that first sentence more of a question? Something like ‘Can a tired veteran… and a young girl … save the dying land that betrayed them?’ Then shift the overwhelming force into the next sentence – ‘to protect a people they no longer trust from an overwhelming force…’
Like the sound of it.
September 29, 2015 — 9:04 AM
Vicious Pen says:
hmm I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 1:00 PM
jennimyburgh says:
Here goes nothing 🙂
——————————————————————————————-
How do you escape something that doesn’t exist?
The crime rate in Jozi is off the charts. Thousands have disappeared and thousands more kidnapped. When Em is dragged into an open drain, her sister, Hannah is the only eye-witness. And no one believes her account. With the help of an Earther and a downtrodden journalist, Hannah and Em are desperate to make it out alive.
Four ordinary people find themselves entangled in a city of darkness, terror and redemption.
In this horror, nowhere is safe.
September 28, 2015 — 10:44 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
I really like this! It sounds like you’ve captured the essence of your story and described it in a way that pulls us in. It’s snappy and succint without leaving out any important details.
I’d read it!
September 28, 2015 — 11:55 AM
jennimyburgh says:
Thank you 🙂 I appreciate the comment!
September 28, 2015 — 11:59 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Love any kind of fantasy noir and that’s what this sounds like. It’s a little confusing when Em is dragged off and Hannah sees it, then suddenly Em and Hannah are trying to escape. Needs something in between those two. Also, next line after the nut graf refs four people…but only three in the nut. In that sentence, I’d also suggest being more specific about what, exactly, is at stake.
September 28, 2015 — 12:04 PM
jennimyburgh says:
Thanks Tony B 🙂 That’s very helpful! I’ll work on that 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 12:08 PM
T Hammond says:
I read it the same way you did, Tony B. I was wondering why both women needed rescuing. A great hook though.
September 28, 2015 — 12:17 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Yeah, great hook, for sure.
September 28, 2015 — 1:15 PM
kirizar says:
A Gift of Flowers
Shrouded in secret for one hundred cycles, travelers to Baeten beware! The Forbidden Planet may promise rare opportunities but remember what happened to the last ambassador. Ehma Lee-Li is willing to risk everything to find what she came for—but death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you on Baeten.
September 28, 2015 — 10:46 AM
doverwhitecliff says:
I like the idea here. I’d almost reverse the order though. Sentence three first would have me rooting for lee-li and wondering why she’s willing to risk it all. Then two makes me wonder what happened to that ambassador…was it someone Lee li knows? A relative? Then hit the fact that the planets been hidden…why? Now I’m hooked. More please!
September 28, 2015 — 11:11 AM
kirizar says:
Sentence three would be a touch difficult to move as it is presently written, but I wrote about four versions of this and never really liked anyone completely. Originally it was supposed to be a quote from a ‘How To Get Out of Baeten Alive’ travel guide with the last line being something like: “If only Ehma had listened.” kind of hook.
Thanks for the comments though. I appreciate fresh eyes.
September 28, 2015 — 2:15 PM
Hannah says:
I like the idea of the travel guide. It would show some of the world as well as add an interesting hook with the “if only Ehma had listened” part.
September 28, 2015 — 3:27 PM
Jim Crispi says:
Children’s illustrated early reader:
Bernie Bumble is a runt of a honeybee bee with a huge problem; he’s allergic to pollen.
Bullied and rejected by his colony he tries to join a gang of vicious hornets to be “somebody”.
He experiences the ugliness of bullying, learns to stand up for himself, the others, and gets the girl-almost.
September 28, 2015 — 10:48 AM
jennimyburgh says:
I like this very much 🙂 I’d take out “rejected” – I think “bullied” explains enough 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:51 AM
Jim Crispi says:
Thanks. I’ll delete “rejected” that does help tighten it up.
September 28, 2015 — 4:58 PM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
Awww!
Last sentence. “…stand up for himself *and* the others..”? Who are the others?
I like this.
September 28, 2015 — 12:24 PM
Jim Crispi says:
Nice catch, Jimmie. It makes it stronger. I’ll change it to “…and the colony”. Thanks.
September 28, 2015 — 4:51 PM
Robin Kardon says:
Teacher-turned-commercial pilot Tris Miles gets offered what she thinks is the job of her dreams- flying luxury business jets for a corporate flight department. To earn the rank of Captain and the respect of her co-workers Tris must overcome the resistance of the ex-military pilot assigned to train her, and show that she has the ability to do the job.
September 28, 2015 — 10:52 AM
Karin Kallmaker says:
I’m intrigued! Consider re-ordering the elements maybe – what Tris wants (beginning of second sentence) as your opening clause. And pack the descriptions together a little more
To earn the rank of Captain and the respect that goes with it, teacher-turned-commercial pilot Tris Miles must prove one thing: she can outlast the training from the ex-military tyrant assigned to prepare her for the high stakes luxury aircraft pilot’s position s/he* doesn’t think she’s earned.
(I didn’t want to make a gender assumption. *g*)
September 28, 2015 — 2:57 PM
Robin Kardon says:
Karin- great suggestion. Thanks.
September 29, 2015 — 10:58 AM
Mace says:
A mouthy colony girl on the run when her settlement is attacked and overrun. A reluctant young assassin with a mission and a lot at stake. Thrown together in the dangerous wilderness of colony world Redok VII, can they both rescue their families—and stop the invasion that will destroy everything they know?
September 28, 2015 — 11:03 AM
Nox says:
You have a good starting point with the idea, so here are my two cents on refining it:
This may be personal opinion here, but the whole logline is choppy. The first two phrases especially stand out in a more disjointed way than I believe you intended. It would flow better if you combine the two phrases and the first part of the last sentence (ending at the comma) and then end it with the question. In the last sentence, the dash isn’t necessary and adds a pause that kills the flow of the sentence. I would remove some of the pauses and try to vary the sentence structure so that it sounds more natural.
Also, in the first phrase, the use of passive voice at “her settlement is attacked and overrun” weakens the idea and in the second phrase “and a lot at stake” needs to be cut because it’s vague and you’re telling your reader instead of showing what’s at stake.
From a strictly mechanical standpoint (more to show what I mean than anything. It’s your story, after all :)), here is an example of how I would revise it without changing the meaning behind your original pitch:
“A mouthy colony girl on the run after enemy forces conquer her settlement and a reluctant young assassin on a mission collide, joining forces in the dangerous wilderness of colony world Redock VII. Can they both rescue their families and stop the invasion bound to destroy everything they know?”
I hope this helps.
Nox
September 28, 2015 — 2:49 PM
Mace says:
Great suggestions, Nox! Thanks for commenting!
September 28, 2015 — 7:25 PM
PJ Carambia says:
As the son of an award winning journalist and best selling author, Carol Flynn and the world’s first superhero, Van Reed aka the Rocketman, Felix Flynn feels he has a lot to prove. As Destiny City readies itself for a 40th Anniversary Celebration of Rocketman’s first flight a plot is being hatched to destroy the city , heroes and all. Together with his best friend Rex, the son of a Rocketman’s deceased sidekick Comet, Flynn will have to find out who’s pulling the strings, why his family is directly in the cross-hairs and how Rocketman’s greatest nemesis, a villain deceased a decade earlier, factors in.
September 28, 2015 — 11:11 AM
T Hammond says:
I liked all of this except “factors in”, although I can’t think of anything better at the moment. Great blurb.
September 28, 2015 — 12:22 PM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Ooh, very nice hook. I would read a book with this on the back of it.
September 28, 2015 — 1:40 PM
Karin Kallmaker says:
Perspective from someone who knows absolutely nothing about Rocketman – so I’m probably not your target market – I feel as if I’m wading through back story. What your actual book is about gets lost under a bunch of names I don’t know. My instinct would be to put everything that follows “Together with his best friend…” as the first focus, and all the lineage info in the second half of the pitch because your target market will read through it all, while potential new readers maybe won’t.
September 28, 2015 — 4:25 PM
PJ Carambia says:
I totally understand what you’re saying. While these characters and their back story are important to the plot, it’s probably best to save some of that for later. Thank you.
September 28, 2015 — 5:19 PM
PJ Carambia says:
Thanks to everyone for the feedback.
September 28, 2015 — 5:11 PM
The Mimibird says:
Showers of golden coins can only mean one thing… the sky is falling down! And unless two engineers, a kleptomaniac cat burglar, an adventurer and a werewolf highwaywoman can set aside their differences and stop whoever’s responsible, the steam-powered Patchwork Kingdoms are set for terminal aetheric collapse! This Happily Ever After may need a little help…
September 28, 2015 — 11:16 AM
T Hammond says:
Are there three people or four? If four, you need a comma after adventurer to differentiate from the werewolf. I also think it would be more powerful to drop the golden coin showera and start with “The sky is falling.”
September 28, 2015 — 12:26 PM
The Mimibird says:
Thanks for the feedback. I’d add the comma for clarity as there are four characters, although I’m reluctant to lose the golden shower as I feel it helps anchor the story in a fairytale setting, but I’m happy to be persuaded otherwise.
September 28, 2015 — 12:59 PM
T Hammond says:
Yeah, I completely understand wanting to keep the showers of coins part. Sometimes certain words or sentences resonate with us as writers and they’re hard to let go. It’s an intriguing mental picture.
September 28, 2015 — 2:16 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
I like the idea of coins raining from the sky as a sign of impending doom. But the term ‘golden shower’ is so widely used in a much, much different context that I would avoid it. Coin/shower without golden. (If you aren’t familiar with the term, please don’t Google it.)
September 28, 2015 — 4:40 PM
Aaron J. says:
The Girl in the Pink Shirt
Once Jake first sees her, he cannot get her out of his head. When a chance date goes awry, the choices they make have consequences. Who is lurking in the shadows?
September 28, 2015 — 11:23 AM
Di says:
I like it. A bit confusing.
Maybe clarify: Once Jake sees her, he can’t get her out of his head. When his chance date with her goes awry, their choices have consequences — and someone is watching from the shadows.
September 28, 2015 — 12:14 PM
Aaron J. says:
Even my little bits need an editor! Thanks for the tip. It sounds better after the edit.
September 28, 2015 — 2:36 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
This is so general I can already think of three or four vastly different books I’ve read in the past year that could be described this way. That is NOT what you want.
A good pitch template to start from is: [Character] is in this unique situation. [Character] faces this unique challenge or danger because of it. [Character] must make this specific choice or this specific bad thing will happen.
September 28, 2015 — 3:13 PM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
Little Lacey is a coming of age story about a girl who is part bat because of a cursed wishing well.
September 28, 2015 — 11:24 AM
Lauren B says:
Part bat! Now THAT’S intriguing… would read.
September 28, 2015 — 11:41 AM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
Thx!
September 28, 2015 — 4:51 PM
Southpaw, HR Sinclair says:
ya had me at “part bat”
September 28, 2015 — 11:42 AM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
Yeah, that is what I was hoping for. Thanks.
September 28, 2015 — 4:51 PM
badger says:
I’m intrigued (because part bat, who wouldn’t be?) but I think it needs more somehow. If I read that on the back of a book for my daughter, I might flip through a couple of pages, but then again I might not…give me an idea of what the problem is. I mean, yeah, coming of age story, but there’s a lot of variables there. Let me give you an example, if I may?
“Little Lacey, victim of a badly phrased wish, struggles to find who she is. Growing up is hard to do, especially when you’re part bat. Cool shirts and jackets tangle with your wings, and hearing your boyfriend likes another girl due to your sonar hearing sucks.”
Of course your story may not give her cool bat powers, but it’s an example.
I do like the idea of a part-bat MC, and I think you could really have fun with that and give the reader a wild ride. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 11:56 AM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
I love that line “Growing up is hard to do, especially when you’re part bat.” I just may steal that. Thanks for the feedback!
September 28, 2015 — 1:55 PM
badger says:
Glad to help, and feel free — it ain’t stealing, it’s a gift. Hey, while we’re at it, would you mind taking a look at mine on the first page of comments? I know it’s a couple sentences too long — I didn’t read the instructions properly to begin — but I’d love some thoughts on it anyway. Thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 2:55 PM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
Oh I was looking for yours and couldn’t find one. I will look harder lol.
September 28, 2015 — 4:52 PM
kdrose1 says:
Needs a little more to go with it.
September 28, 2015 — 11:58 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Nothing more needed here – good one.
September 29, 2015 — 9:06 AM
Lauren B says:
Here’s my input! The names have yet to be determined. Thanks!
Jack drags a beast along with him wherever he goes. Now he’s being hunted by a ruthless team of gun-wielding scientists. Deserted by his family and abandoned by his friends, he must find ways to outrun the deranged Doctor and her underlings, all the while fighting to quell his beast’s fury before it destroys them both.
September 28, 2015 — 11:34 AM
Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) says:
Hi Lauren! I like where this is going. The first sentence is a bit bumpy. What is the beast — a literal beast he drags behind him (which would make for an interesting, but perhaps funny, story) or a figurative one. if the latter, why does he drag it behind him?
Maybe sharpen it up to say what we’re all guessing anyhow. Jack is a werebeast on the run from a ruthless bunch who want to kill him or capture him for study. (Is there a preference?)
September 28, 2015 — 1:37 PM
Lauren B says:
Thanks for the feedback! Yep, I totally hear what you’re saying. In actuality, the beast is both there and ‘not there’, so it was tough deciding on a first sentence. How about this:
Jack’s got a beast inside him, and it’s there wherever he goes. Now he’s being hunted by a ruthless team of gun-wielding scientist who want to skin him alive. Deserted by his family and abandoned by his friends, he must find ways to outrun the deranged Doctor and her underlings, all the while fighting to quell his beast’s fury before it destroys them both.
And to answer the second question: nope, they just want to mess him up really.
September 28, 2015 — 11:31 PM
Daniel Quentin Steele says:
Tom’s marriage has been dying for years, but listening to his good and faithful wife making nasty love to her follow teacher ought to be the killing stroke. Except that Tom is an investigator who makes his living solving mysteries, and he can’t figure out why a LOT of mysterious people are bugging his house. And he has to decide what he’s going to do about the Ice Queen, a gorgeous co-worker and friend who is the target of a cabal of very powerful men hunting her to drag her back into the flesh trade. She would be in greater danger except that Tom Miller is a very dangerous man when he’s in a good mood, but since he’s discovered his wife’s infidelity, he has been in a very bad mood.
September 28, 2015 — 11:54 AM
T Hammond says:
Need to delete the “that”s in your blurb. You may also want to consider dropping the whole front end and starting at “Tom is an investigator…” — your last sentence wraps up the infidelity angle. This has the workings for an interesting thriller
September 28, 2015 — 12:44 PM
kdrose1 says:
As a child Virginia enjoyed all the comforts and joys of a close-knit family. At age twelve Virginia saw the family perched around her Grandmother’s living room arguing, and life as she knew it changed drastically. Thirty years later, she is handed a stack of letters that flew among the family members during that time; letters that show the disintegration of her family as it happened.
September 28, 2015 — 11:56 AM
kdrose1 says:
PS: I know letters is an overdone device but this is a memoir. But perhaps the pitch should describe the arc differently.
September 28, 2015 — 12:10 PM
kdrose1 says:
Or fine, I’ll be more exciting> In this achingly real novel, Author KD Rose breaks into the essence of a fractured family, laying bare the ghosts that haunt them, in their own words.
September 28, 2015 — 12:19 PM
badger says:
I like this one better than the first (and I liked the first, I would read that but then I like the letters thing) but I would use “delves” instead of “breaks”. Or change “fractured” to another adjective before family. It’s probably just me, but using two adjectives that mean the same thing in the same sentence throws me off a bit. But that may just be me, and of course it’s your sentence!
September 28, 2015 — 12:35 PM
kdrose1 says:
Thanks, I like delves too. I was using breaks to boldly convey the damage, just like fractured. You make sense though. I’ll revise it.
(Hard coming up with words right off the cuff) lol
September 28, 2015 — 1:43 PM
kdrose1 says:
(Breaks was a verb- the bold thing I mentioned.) LOL
September 28, 2015 — 1:48 PM
Debra says:
I like this second one much better than the first. I don’t need the phrase “in their own words.” For me, it weakens the phrase that precedes it.
September 28, 2015 — 4:15 PM
conniecockrell says:
As a log line your first effort is too long (though very clear!). I like the 2nd one better, too.
September 28, 2015 — 12:41 PM
kdrose1 says:
I was writing a pitch. 😉 Thank you for the feedback!
September 28, 2015 — 1:40 PM
T Hammond says:
Love the blurb, hate the use of “that” three times in one sentence. Maybe condense it?
Thirty years later, she is handed a stack of letters- correspondence which exposes the disintegration of her family as it happened.
I’m not sure if exposes is the right choice, but you get an idea of what I mean.
September 28, 2015 — 12:54 PM
kdrose1 says:
You are so right. “that” sucks. Will revise. Yep, I get what you mean. Thanks so much!
September 28, 2015 — 1:44 PM
T Hammond says:
It should have been an easy job.
Track the jackal. Locate the girl. Rescue said girl. Return bad puppy to the Were Council for questioning.
September 28, 2015 — 12:03 PM
kdrose1 says:
really good getting interest to read but needs a little more to flesh it out.
September 28, 2015 — 12:06 PM
T Hammond says:
Trying to stay within the parameters of Wendig’s guidelines… There’s three paragraphs in my query. Here’s the rest of the query:
As leader of the Posse, a paranormal alliance, shape-shifter Maggie Iceni thought she’d seen everything over the past millennia. Neither she, nor her vampire partner, Etienne, expected this case to be different.
A fugitive werejackal leads them to a secret lab where supernaturals are unwilling subjects in genetic experimentation, and the Posse uncovers a conspiracy implicating high-ranking members of the Inter-species Council. .
Can anyone’s motives be trusted?
September 28, 2015 — 12:36 PM
kdrose1 says:
For a pitch I would write something in between the two. The second gives more info that we need, the first is succinct. Something that does both. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 1:46 PM
T Hammond says:
My first query draft may actually make a better pitch.
It should have been an easy job.
Track the jackal. Locate the girl. Rescue said girl. Return bad puppy to the Were Council for questioning. Over the past two millennia, Etienne and Maggie had done a thousand variations of the same dance. No one imagined the were-jackal would lead to a secret lab where supernaturals were unwilling subjects in genetic experimentation.
September 28, 2015 — 2:23 PM
conniecockrell says:
Good log line. Then the rest makes it a great back of the book blurb.
September 28, 2015 — 12:39 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Isn’t one universe enough?
Sutton Kopec had a simple life: do well in school, work hard at the diner to help support her mother and sister, try to find an ounce of happiness in a life crammed with responsibilities.
She was coping here. The last thing she needed to worry about was uncharted other-worlds full of danger and uncertainty – and she’s being thrown into them, again and again…
September 28, 2015 — 12:03 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I love the opening sentence of this pitch and altogether it’s pretty strong. I feel like the word “here” in the sentence “she was coping here” was extraneous. Also, it would be great if you could fit in some kind of descriptor that lets us know what kind of worlds these are–fantasy? Science-y alternate dimensions? I’m very intrigued!
September 28, 2015 — 1:32 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you for your excellent insight! I threw the word “here” in that sentence because the book’s title is “Here not here” (the second “here” is italicized). The title is meant to distinguish between here (Earth, her normal home) and here (the alternate universes). You mnight be right that it just doesn’t work, though.
It’s science fiction – she travels to alternate universes. It’s a “trait” she inherited from her father, who’s missing. There are other people on Earth who have the same ability but the trick is finding them. You can’t exactly ask…
September 28, 2015 — 1:58 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I think I’d leave it out because as literary as it is, the “here” really is just an extra world. And I think even using the words “other dimensions” instead of “other worlds” might give a more sci-fi vibe.
September 28, 2015 — 2:25 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Great suggestions. Thank you again.
September 30, 2015 — 1:31 PM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
I also love the first line. Hooked me. But the second line gets a little dull and then packs a punch at the end. What I would do is start the second sentence with what you have at the end right now. Just off the top of my head: “Sutton Kopec is trying to find an ounce of happiness in a life crammed with responsibilities: school, work, and supporting her mother and her sister.” And then cut the coping sentence. Then it would be perfect.
Whenever you have a motivation (overwhelming responsibilities) and a reaction to that motivation (study hard and work hard), I find its best to structure your sentence with the motivation at the beginning and the reaction after. Our brains process that better and you catch the readers attention better. At least that is what I find.
Thanks for sharing!
September 28, 2015 — 2:13 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Oh, this is really good! Thank you so much for your constructive thoughts.
I agree with your thoughts about motivation and reaction. It’s important to consider the emotional punch that will pull a reader in – and then maybe give a little more information if it works. I swear, my past life as a newspaper reporter is sometimes the worst training for writing fiction. I have this tendency to write things in order, and I constantly have to fight that.
September 30, 2015 — 1:33 PM
Di says:
Living on the streets of Seattle, 15 year old Ruby is running away from more than just her home. When the body of a girl bounces into her camp and Ruby sees who did it, she knows she can’t run anymore; it’s time for justice to be served.
September 28, 2015 — 12:05 PM
JJ Toner says:
‘bounces into her camp’? What does that mean?
September 28, 2015 — 12:09 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Terrific idea to use a teenage street kid as a protagonist in a murder mystery. Since the theme here is that it’s time to face something she fears in order to do what’s right, maybe be more specific about whatever she’s fleeing.
September 28, 2015 — 4:45 PM
Di says:
You’re Right – I do need to clarify. …bounces down the embankment and lands in her camp…
September 28, 2015 — 12:16 PM
Di says:
Living on the streets of Seattle, 15 year old Ruby is running away from more than just her home. When the body of a girl bounces down the embankment and lands in her camp, Ruby sees who did it, and she knows she can’t run anymore; it’s time for justice to be served.
September 28, 2015 — 12:18 PM
conniecockrell says:
I’d read that story.
September 28, 2015 — 12:37 PM
Axl T says:
I think tumbles might work better than bounces.
September 28, 2015 — 4:40 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
A bit of mystery is good, but “running away from more than just her home” is too much mystery, and leaves out a great opportunity to show us what’s unique about this character or plot. “Bounces down the embankment and lands” is a really long way of saying “tumbles into.” Fewer words are better in an elevator pitch.
The other thing to be careful of is that, for plausibility, you need to give some sense of why she is the person who should, or can, serve justice. In general, when you witness a crime, you go to the authorities for justice to be served. You need to give us a sense of why she’s not doing that–here’s where having some sense of what the “more than just her home” is could be useful–and why a fifteen year old would be capable of serving justice.
September 28, 2015 — 4:40 PM
Pat says:
Love this! I’d read it.
Can you revise or tighten after the first sentence to: The body of a girl tumbles down the embankment and lands in her camp. Ruby knows who did it and knows she can’t run anymore.
Last fragment optional?
September 28, 2015 — 7:35 PM
Di says:
Great feedback – thanks to all! I’ll use tumbles, Axl T – and I like the edit you gave me, Pat!
September 29, 2015 — 1:16 AM
conniecockrell says:
After solving a murder at the county fair, an ex-AF project manager and her best friend discover the 12-year-old mummified corpse of a protective father while on a hike and must uncover the murderer before he destroys the town.
September 28, 2015 — 12:33 PM
badger says:
I’m a little confused. How would they know he’s a protective father? Just a thought — maybe just keep with “mummified corpse” and drop that bit. So “12-year-old mummified corpse while on a hike, and must uncover the murderer before he destroys the town.” Just a thought.
September 28, 2015 — 12:48 PM
kirizar says:
So the corpse has been mummified for twelve years? I’d make it ‘the mummified remains of a man missing for twelve years.’ Also, the modifier is misplaced unless the man went missing on the hike?
Omit the county fair bit unless you put something to explain why it was necessary:
After solving a murder at the county fair, (character’s name) was hoping to take a hike in the woods and find her missing peace and quiet. What she and her best friend find instead is the remains of a man missing for twelve years and a murderer to hunt before he destroys the town.
September 28, 2015 — 2:41 PM
John Appel says:
Pitch #2:
Nathaniel “Lucky Nate” Fortune isn’t a good Puritan, but he is a good soldier. When his commander orders Nate to carry a captured encrypted message back to England, he finds himself launched in a race to locate the secret notebooks of Rene Descarte. For within those notebooks lies a discovery which can change not just the fate of England – but of the whole world.
September 28, 2015 — 12:57 PM
Ashlee says:
Interesting idea, but the first sentence doesn’t really seem necessary. “Launched in a race” is also sort of awkward wording.
September 28, 2015 — 1:08 PM
John Appel says:
Thanks! I see what you mean about the first sentence; will have to play with it to see if there’s a pitch-appropriate way to include it. I’ll look at the other phrasing as well.
September 28, 2015 — 1:37 PM
Logan says:
A thriller:
Money never goes missing, it just moves and no one in the world is better at finding it than Jack Spade.
A special forces burnout turned lawyer, Spade has traded hunting insurgents for hunting money. His covert team acts as both cloak and dagger for their clients. They operate in the shadows of offshore banking havens around the globe and do the dirty work that other lawyers are not willing or able to do. When Spade discovers that a rogue CIA faction is ripping off his hedge fund clients to fuel a new Cold War, he faces the deadliest assignment of his career.
September 28, 2015 — 1:17 PM
kirizar says:
Much of that works. You can thin some portions because they aren’t needed to sell the story, in my opinion:
Keep the intro: Money never goes missing, it just moves around and no one in the world is better at finding it than Jack!
Jack Spade has traded hunting insurgents for hunting money. He and his team put on their best cloak and dagger shadowing the underworld of offshore banking where trafficking in money comes at a price. When Spade discovers a rouge CIA faction is ripping off his hedge fund clients to fuel a new Cold War, he might be in the fight for his life facing the deadliest assignment of his career.
September 28, 2015 — 2:05 PM
Logan says:
Thanks, appreciate the streamlining!
September 29, 2015 — 12:02 AM
Axl T says:
A story where hedge fund guys are the good guys, not sure I’m buying that.
September 28, 2015 — 4:43 PM
Ashlee says:
Here’s what I’ve been kicking around:
12-year-old Vera thinks she’s got life all figured out. But, when she convinces her friends to go on an adventure in an abandoned mine shaft, Vera realizes that she is not invincible, and neither are her friends. Will they make it out unharmed, or will they succumb to the darkness that lurks within?
(it’s sort of a Stand By Me with Labyrinth undertones…)
September 28, 2015 — 1:19 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
Sounds like a fun story and this pitch is put together pretty well. I like the “the darkness that lurks within” because my mind automatically goes to 2 places: darkness within the mineshaft AND darkness within the characters themselves.
I also really like that you open with the age of the character as it grounds us strongly in your genre.
September 28, 2015 — 1:34 PM
Ashlee says:
Thanks Dianna! That double entendre was exactly what I was going for, so I’m glad it works!
September 28, 2015 — 2:37 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I am actually working on this query right now so perfect timing: Riana has only ever wanted one thing: freedom. Now, in spite of a series of failures and crimes, Loki is offering her a chance to earn it by saving Moonshadow, a kingdom she’s saved once before. Only this time she has to save it from a telepathic plague.
September 28, 2015 — 1:30 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
Just thought I should make this clearer–this pitch is part of a query letter I’m working on, it’s NOT intended to be a logline
September 28, 2015 — 1:48 PM
kirizar says:
An obvious first question that pops to mind: “If she saved Moonshadow once before…why wasn’t she freed that time?” I’d question her willingness to put her faith in Loki to hold up his end of the deal if I were her.
September 28, 2015 — 2:08 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I’d never even thought of that! Her saving Moonshadow before had basically nothing to do with Loki, but that’s way too complicated to explain here. Although, side note, OF COURSE she doesn’t trust Loki, but it’s really a “choice”, not an actual choice 😛 Loki is not a NICE god(usually).
How about this:
Riana has only ever wanted one thing: freedom, the one thing her kind can’t have. Now Loki is offering her a chance to earn it by saving Moonshadow, a kingdom she’s been tied to for centuries. Desperate to escape her crimes, she accepts the job. But when she reaches Moonshadow she realizes she’s facing something she might not be able to defeat: a telepathic plague.
September 28, 2015 — 2:42 PM
kirizar says:
Much cleaner. I particularly like that first line tying into the second. And, the phrasing of the kingdom name works much, much better.
September 28, 2015 — 3:06 PM
BillyHigginsPeery says:
Anne’s got a problem — there’s a corpse in her bedroom. Burdened with both a criminal record and a chip on her shoulder, she’s doing her best to stay out of jail. Sure, she’s making dangerous weaponry, hanging out with criminals, buying drugs, crashing weddings . . .
I forgot where I was going with this.
September 28, 2015 — 2:07 PM
BillyHigginsPeery says:
The third sentence is incomplete, so the pitch is only three complete sentences, right?
September 28, 2015 — 2:08 PM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
I was scrolling quickly and “there is a corpse in her bedroom” totally caught my eye. Just the word corpse alone is a powerful word choice I think. Good job. Thanks for sharing.
September 28, 2015 — 2:17 PM
Steph says:
I like the beginning, it’s attention grabbing. I’m not sure where you were going with the third sentence, but maybe it’s not even needed because you already said she’s trying to stay out of jail which implies some reckless behavior?
September 28, 2015 — 2:21 PM
kirizar says:
Here’s a recap I spun – wasn’t entirely sure if she was dealing/doing/or hiding drugs:
Anne is doing her damnedest to stay out of jail–putting her past behind her. But with lethal weapons of crass destruction to forge, criminals to bond with and a drug cache to juggle–there’s only so many weddings she can crash before the chip on her shoulder is going to fall. And now, she’s got a non-breathing body in her bed. What’s a former bad-girl to do?
September 28, 2015 — 2:26 PM
Steph says:
Better! I’d use corpse instead of non-breathing body, I liked that word choice in the first pitch
.
September 28, 2015 — 3:37 PM
kirizar says:
Hah, I was commenting on someone else’s work above. While I like the word corpse, I find the idea of a non-breathing body funnier. That said, it could be misinterpreted to mean Vampire Romance and that should be avoided at all cost!
September 29, 2015 — 9:49 AM
Pat says:
Like your concept, tone, and word choices. Powerful draw!
September 28, 2015 — 7:41 PM
BillyHigginsPeery says:
Thanks for all the feedback, guys! Gives me some good food for thought.
September 29, 2015 — 1:09 PM
Steph says:
Ephraim is just trying to survive—his Dad’s death, his borderline addictive behavior, and a long distance move. He’s lost his love for everything, including writing, the one thing he always returned to in the past. Ephraim is worn out and afraid and he just wants life to leave him alone, but his new roommate, a twenty one year old photographer/musician, seems determined to drag Ephraim out of his passionless existence and right back into heartbreak.
September 28, 2015 — 2:17 PM
Terri Jones says:
This is a nice set-up, we know how low Ephraim is, and we suspect this roommate’s going to have a fight pulling him out of it. Good job!
September 28, 2015 — 2:59 PM
Steph says:
Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 3:25 PM
PJ Carambia says:
I liked this a lot. I find Ephraim to be quite a relatiable character. If I were to change anything here I would try combining some of the elements from the first three sentences (Ephraim’s woes) just to speed it up a bit. (Honestly I hate criticizing people and if you like it, go with it)
September 28, 2015 — 5:49 PM
Steph says:
You are right, combining them would be better, thanks for pointing it out. (I don’t like criticizing people either!)
September 29, 2015 — 2:03 PM
Jessica says:
From my query letter, in draft stage:
She may be a witch, but Lucy Bakir isn’t that different from the other under-employed twenty-somethings in Asheville, North Carolina. Some people wait tables; Lucy performs just enough magic to get by. But when someone starts trying to kill her, Lucy has to call on every spell she knows—and even that may not be enough. She’s never been tempted to use bad magic, but as the attacks escalate, Lucy comes to understand the truth: when the stakes are high, a good witch is a dead witch.
September 28, 2015 — 2:20 PM
Terri Jones says:
Intriguing. Not sure about the “starts trying to kill’ — that could be better, maybe ‘someone attempts to kill’ and a sense of escalating need to venture into bad magic or else?
September 28, 2015 — 2:55 PM
Jessica says:
Hmm. You’re right. I’m going to tinker with it.
September 28, 2015 — 6:04 PM
SC Rose says:
This totally sounds like something I’d read! I really love your last line: “A good witch is a dead witch”. Love it! The one thing I would suggest is with your comparison of “some people wait tables; Lucy performs just enough magic to get by”, I wonder if you could throw in a further, little bit of a teaser as to what kind of magic would be comparable to waiting tables? Show us a little bit of what kind of magic Lucy does to get by. “Some people wait tables; Lucy offers cures for the hiccups and love potions at $10 a bottle…” That’s a terrible comparison, but my mind is drawing a blank lol but you get the idea! That’s really my only suggestion. I love what you’ve got here.
September 28, 2015 — 4:33 PM
Jessica says:
Heh. You’re not far off–that’s exactly the kind of piddly magic she does. But is that too much detail for a pitch?
September 28, 2015 — 6:06 PM
SC Rose says:
Nah, I don’t think so! It’s just my opinion, you need to do what you feel is true to what you’re going for, but I kind of want that little glimpse into her life and the magic she does. I think as long as you keep it at a simple one-liner, but just switch it out for that little detail, it’d be fine. But that’s just me! 🙂 Either way, I’d want to read it.
September 28, 2015 — 6:25 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Great premise here, and I agree that last line is a gem. Minor suggestions: cut ‘the’ before other in the first sentence. Remove North Carolina (important in the story, not so much the pitch). Like Terri said, find a punchier way to say “trying to kill.” Something that communicates the stakes involved.
September 28, 2015 — 4:51 PM
Jessica says:
“But when someone sics a troll on her in a dark alley” would be one way to describe that first murder attempt, but … hrmph. Trying to distinguish between meaningful details and clutter is harder than I would have thought.
September 28, 2015 — 6:11 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
That’s going in the right direction. Just needs to communicate that this an escalating campaign against her. “But when hired trolls start hunting her…”
September 28, 2015 — 6:32 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
A plot three years in the making, a House three days from falling. The friends who must stop it from happening: A drug-addled heir, an indolent spy, a human pet. If only they hadn’t caused it as well.
September 28, 2015 — 2:22 PM
Steph says:
I like this up until the last sentence. It needs a little something. Maybe a better description of what ‘it’ refers to in that sentence to would help?
September 28, 2015 — 3:33 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
Yeah, I was having the same problem.
How about:
A plot three years in the making, a House three days from falling. The friends who must stop it from happening: A drug-addled heir, an indolent spy, a human pet, united against their worst enemy. Themselves.
(Still thinking. Suggestions?)
September 28, 2015 — 3:48 PM
Noel says:
There’s a lot that’s really intriguing here–I really like the promise of quirky dysfunctional friends trying to accomplish something they’re in no way competent to accomplish.
My major problem is that the setting is so hazy that I can’t get a clear picture of the conflict. The capitalization of House probably means something, but I have no idea what. Is it an actual building (and are they roommates in it, and if so, why is it capitalized)? Or is “House” more like “House Lannister” in terms of being a dynastic family? Or is it an organization of some kind? Or is it something totally specific to the world you’ve made up?
If I knew what a House was and what it means that it will fall in three days (and what it has to do with these characters–is a House something they have a stake in keeping up and running?) then I would have a much better sense of the story.
September 28, 2015 — 4:07 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
(Thank you so much!)
A plot three years in the making, a House three days from falling. The friends who must save the Forele name: The drug-addled heir, an indolent spy, a human pet. At their disposal: a cache of magic weapons, a cliff-city of hidden tunnels, a mess of bad decisions.
(One thing I’m wavering on. Which sounds better: The drug-addled heir or The self-medicated heir? The latter is closer to the plot, the former more theatrical).
September 28, 2015 — 4:46 PM
Noel says:
I think drug-addled vs. self-medicating kind of depends on whether you want us to feel more sympathy for the character or amusement at the incompetent antics they’re going to get into. Drug-addled is more distancing, though it fits with the zany what-will-they-get-up-to-THIS-time nature of the pitch. Depends on what you want.
On the pitch generally… maybe this is just me, but I want verbs. It could be that this is just my taste, but the list of elements technique just doesn’t work for me, especially if you’re describing the kind of plot that isn’t immediately obvious when you mention a couple of easily-understood ingredients.
This… is probably not the pitch you want, but I was trying to see what verbs would do to it:
So-and-so has been plotting the downfall of House Forele for three years [IF this is what that first clause means… is it?], and in three days their plan will be complete and [whatever happens then. What *does* it mean for a House to fall?]. Three friends must save the Forele name [or what? Why does this matter? Isn’t it just a name? What are the stakes?]: the drug-addled heir, [and his friends? His associates? Some people he met?] an indolent spy, and a human pet. […]
(One other thing: the line “a plot three years in the making” initially made me think you were talking about how long it took you to come up with the plot of the novel which I found pretty off-putting on first read.)
September 28, 2015 — 7:55 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
Okay, I came up with two others. One plot driven, the other character driven.
Fear these things in the Cliff City of Gourgo: An enemy without a weapon, a woman without a veil, a council meeting without warning. When High Lord Forele is arrested for blasphemy, his drug-addled heir, dishonorable nephew, and human pet must save House Forele or be destroyed by their thousand little lies.
or
Niko of House Forele hides his crippling anxiety beneath a daily dose of Red, but drugs cannot save him when his father is arrested for blasphemy.
Driven by hatred for a culture that will not recognize or race and gender, the human Buen turns to theft, arson and treason to find a purpose she’ll regret.
Caught between loyalties to his family and his lover, the spymaster of House Trevoli has three days to choose one side and betray the other.
I really liked the tone of the first one, which these seem to be lacking…
September 29, 2015 — 9:18 AM
Bystander says:
One jazz-fueled, spaghetti western science fiction romp. Two Bonnie-and-Clyde-like outlaws. Three confused and precocious orphans. How can you go wrong?
September 28, 2015 — 2:26 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
I have no idea what a spaghetti western is, so I’m lost five words in. The rest of it is just a list of characters with no plot, setting, or stakes. The point of a pitch is to make us want to read the book. I can’t even figure out what you’re trying to make me want to read.
September 28, 2015 — 3:08 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
Is it possible to nix the last line and add something plot-centric?
September 28, 2015 — 5:16 PM
Tribi (@tribid) says:
Everyone wants her when Duck gets a perfect score on the SATs, but life has a way of returning to normal (for any given value of normal.) They say to be careful what you wish for, but she never even studied.
September 28, 2015 — 2:28 PM
Ashlee says:
Do you mean that every college wants her, or does every person truly want her? I’m kind of confused what the heart of the story is….
September 28, 2015 — 2:43 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Agree with the previous commenter that this is a little too vague. What, exactly, is the problem that too-perfect SAT scores have caused Duck — what’s the conflict at the heart of the story?
September 28, 2015 — 7:33 PM
Terri Jones says:
What is a family man doing with a super power? Sure, the accident caused it, but is it also killing him? Or will the creator take care of that first?
September 28, 2015 — 2:43 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
Asking questions is usually a bad approach when pitching. I read the first sentence and my thought was : “Why wouldn’t a family man have super powers?” That’s not what you want. The next question was worse, because I just got frustrated: “How should I know if it’s killing him. You’re supposed to be telling ME.”
A great pitch template is: [Character] is in this unique situation. [Character] faces this unique challenge or danger because of it. [Character] must make this specific choice or this specific bad thing will happen.
September 28, 2015 — 3:04 PM
Hannah says:
This might have too many question marks. Maybe try for just one at the end to give it more power.
I like the concept, though. I want to know what the accident was, and why it gave him powers!
September 28, 2015 — 3:20 PM
Terri Jones says:
Thank you, good point! Let’s see…
What is a family man doing with a super power? Denny knew where, and sort of knew what, but would have to spy to learn who. When he tries, he’s caught, and learns the hard way his powers aren’t new, and the creator wants him dead.
September 28, 2015 — 3:38 PM
Hannah says:
This really hooks me! It gives just enough to hook me, but not too much to eliminate mystery.
September 28, 2015 — 4:05 PM
Terri Jones says:
Awesome. 😀 Thanks!!
September 28, 2015 — 5:25 PM
Courtney C says:
When young Beya is caught poaching one of her tribe’s most precious resources, a feather with incredible healing powers, she finds herself at the mercy of a man who would use her talents for his gain. Placed under the care of an elite group of thieves, she must learn their art or die trying. But Beya has no intention of getting killed or letting anyone control her life.
September 28, 2015 — 2:44 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
It’s a little unclear whether Beya has powers or if they come from the item she stole, and that’s an ambiguity you don’t want in a pitch. The last sentence is too general to be useful in a pitch. Tell us the specific decision she faces and the specific consequences of her choices.
I love the premise. I’d check it out.
September 28, 2015 — 2:56 PM
Steph says:
Good, but I think it might flow better if the last two sentences are connected.
September 28, 2015 — 3:28 PM
Courtney C says:
Yeah, I tried it both ways and couldn’t decide which I preferred. Thanks for the feedback!
September 28, 2015 — 10:35 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Nice indication of stakes, motivated protagonist, and a touch of worldbuilding too. I like it!
My one thought is that I might like a little more indication how the man and the group of thieves are connected (his elite band of thieves? The elite thieves who raised him? something to explain how this follows).
September 28, 2015 — 7:39 PM
Courtney C says:
Thanks! And good idea on the connection between the two. I’ll try working in that detail.
September 28, 2015 — 10:34 PM
Karin Kallmaker says:
Three sentence elevator pitch.
Jennifer Lamont has mastered Hollywood’s blood sports. Her destructive power is epic, but so is her box office draw. This is the life of a featured player in an earlier novel, because even bitches have backstories.
September 28, 2015 — 2:48 PM
T Hammond says:
AWESOME!
September 28, 2015 — 2:52 PM
Karin Kallmaker says:
Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 7:26 PM
Leah Petersen (@LeahPetersen) says:
Aco’s part plant, Nezah’s part god, together they’re a magic that can save the elemental races, if they can escape the Sun god.
September 28, 2015 — 2:52 PM
Jocelyn Reekie says:
In The Savage Years, 17-year-old Nadia Borokov and 19-year-old Young Seal, each plagued with their own demons, realize their best hope for survival in a frontier where a raging pandemic is killing thousands, lies in working together to combat the greed, disease and corruption that govern their lives. But only one of them will survive.
September 28, 2015 — 3:19 PM
Debra Knight says:
She couldn’t remember killing him, but she must have done it. All the evidence pointed to her. On trial for her life, she somehow knew the real stakes were much higher.
September 28, 2015 — 3:24 PM
Hannah says:
The hallway never changes, from the perfectly round holes in rows on the cement walls, the crack shaped like a skyline on the right wall, and the stain from either coffee or vomit colouring the cement twenty six thousand and nine steps beyond it. But today there is a door on the left wall, five thousand and seventy two steps after the stain on the ground.
I don’t think I should touch it.
September 28, 2015 — 3:29 PM
Debra says:
I like this. It’s very creepy and I want to know more about the character and the setting.
September 28, 2015 — 3:40 PM
Noel says:
Oh man, I absolutely love what you’re NOT saying here: it’s wonderfully creepy trying to figure out why the narrator has walked that many steps and observed this hallway so carefully. Are they trapped here? And the “I don’t think I should touch it” contains a huge amount of characterization and voice.
Love it.
September 28, 2015 — 4:10 PM
Jocelyn Reekie says:
The hallway feels endless, dangerous, possibly deadly, and leads me right in. Nice. But I don’t want to get stuck there.
September 28, 2015 — 4:45 PM
MarMar says:
Dude. I got actual chills. Don’t change a thing.
September 28, 2015 — 4:47 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
<3
September 28, 2015 — 5:17 PM
Terri Jones says:
Intriguing.
In the first sentence, I’d remove “from the” and other connecting words, to add tension. Thus:
“The hallway never changes; perfectly round holes in rows on the cement walls, the crack shaped like a skyline on the right, the stain (coffee? vomit?) twenty six thousand and nine steps beyond it.”
They keep hammering in “take out excess words” so, there you go. 🙂
IMHO: Separate each sentence. A little hesitation creates a punch.
The numbers of steps is CREEPY. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 8:55 PM
Hannah says:
Thanks for the feedback! I need to keep the ‘excess words’ thing in mind 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:41 PM
dcxli says:
This is incredible. I now know just enough to make me want to learn a lot more.
September 28, 2015 — 11:54 PM
Penquillity says:
Will the Hubbard Company succeed in turning the entire town of Precarious into an ancient race of creatures through continued exposure to microbes in the water or will Pinkerton Nick Fry expose the corruption and develop a cure before it’s too late?
Jeannie Leighton
September 28, 2015 — 3:35 PM
Steph says:
Nice start, but I don’t like how it’s all one long sentence. Chop it up a bit, and perhaps introduce the main character, which I assume is Nick, first instead of the company he’s up against. It would be more personable that way.
September 28, 2015 — 5:46 PM
Caroline Castillo Crimm says:
Sorry you got ill before setting sail for Houston! We missed you!
September 28, 2015 — 3:50 PM
Noel says:
Almost nobody believes in magic, but Heather doesn’t care: she’s good, and she knows it, and she means to start a business solving people’s magical and monstrous problems, assuming she can find anyone who has any. Two months ago she moved to a new town with her boyfriend, Alex, and she was confident in their bright, adventurous, and thoroughly magical future. A week ago, Alex stormed out of their apartment too angry ever to speak to her again.
Last night, someone or something erased Heather’s memory of why.
Terrified for Alex’s safety, Heather sets out to rescue him from the strange creature she learns has taken him, but she soon discovers that saving someone you love may be far harder than she feared.
September 28, 2015 — 3:55 PM
joy moonwillow says:
I think there may be a lot of unnecessary detail here. You can probably condense a lot of this info. “Heather is pregnant, just moved into a new town, and is starting a new business using magic to solve people’s problems.” This isn’t really a clean sentence but is an example of how a lot of info can fit into less words. All of the color is good for a longer description, but try eliminate every non-essential word and phrase.
September 28, 2015 — 4:11 PM
Karin Kallmaker says:
This is really intriguing! I’m very clear on the emotional stakes for your character. The first paragraph feels too long, though, for a short pitch, like there’s backstory included there that you don’t need for a hook. For example, does it matter knowing that she’s just moved to a new town as much as her misplaced confidence in the strength of her relationship?
Just an example of what I’d include and leave out for a short pitch-
Almost nobody believes in magic, but Heather doesn’t care: she’s good and she knows it. Confident in a bright, magical future with her boyfriend where she can make the most of her gifts, she is stunned when Alex storms out of their life. And someone has just erased her memory of why.
September 28, 2015 — 4:36 PM
Noel says:
Lovely, thank you!!
I had the feeling it was way too long for this assignment, but I was too close to it to figure out what I could cut.
September 28, 2015 — 4:54 PM
joy moonwillow says:
Dionysus has once again brought new religion to Thebes, throwing a small mid-western town into violent chaos. Meander and her friends have chosen to risk everything for a taste of dangerous freedom, but the men of Thebes refuse to release these women from captivity into corruption. Dionysus and Meander work together to negotiate a peaceful resolution but it seems that history may be destined to repeat itself.
September 28, 2015 — 4:03 PM
SC Rose says:
Suni has come back from the dead to save her world. The only problem is, her only memories of it are of her favorite movie quotes and the smell of cherry blossoms. Armed with her mutant friends, a boyfriend with a split personality and a CD changer full of Lady Gaga albums, will she be able save a world she doesn’t remember?
I am grateful for this exercise. I am terrible at the elevator pitch/logline/plot summary/this thing! Fix me, my wonderful, fellow authors!
September 28, 2015 — 4:04 PM
Noel says:
I like the premise, and the pitch is concise and gets the humor across really well.
There’s something fuzzy in there, though. I guess … I don’t know what it means to remember the smell of cherry blossoms. Does she have a sense-memory of a smell that clicks when she walks under a flowering tree, or does she actually remember the words “cherry blossoms” and what that means? I feel like the cherry blossoms line is going for evocative, but I get more confusion than emotion from it. Are the flowers significant to her somehow?
I’m also a little confused by the boyfriend. If she remembers only those two things, he’s presumably someone she meets along the way, rather than a boyfriend from her past life… but I’m not sure of that. The premise sort of sounds like she got to earth and started dating this guy steadily enough to call him her boyfriend before any of the world-saving started. Is that true? This pitch also implies that the romance is *not* really a part of the plot–that the guy is sort of quirky, but that we can assume he’s her boyfriend from the premise, with no romance-related suspense involved. Is that also true?
“Mutant” also raises questions about the world–most of the pitch sounds like this is the real world with the only fantastical premise being the fact that someone was brought back from the dead to save it. “Mutant” implies otherwise, but it doesn’t imply otherwise clearly enough for me to know what it’s saying about the setting.
I also have no idea *how* she’s saving the world. Is this a story about fighting bad guys? A detective story? A physical quest? An introspective spiritual journey? (I’m guessing it’s not that last one based on tone–I’m just not able to picture yet what the mechanic of this saving is, or what makes Suni so special.)
Obviously a pitch doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t!) explain all of this, but I’d like to feel like I’m standing on slightly more solid ground. It’s really close, though.
September 28, 2015 — 4:29 PM
Dianna Gunn says:
I don’t think you’re so terrible at this at all! In fact, I love your pitch. The one thing I’d like to know is are her “mutant” friends & boyfriend dead too? Maybe a small hint at what she’s saving the world from, thought the image of this rag-tag band with these random items is already quite interesting.
September 28, 2015 — 5:58 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
WIP #1: A young woman’s mourning process for her late mother is disrupted by a surprise trip to fairyland. Getting home won’t be easy with a prince who won’t take no for an answer and a fairy coup d’etat to contend with.
WIP #2: In a fantastical version of post-colonial Argentina, a queen with blood on her hands, a too-good princess, and a would-be warrior destroy one another to preserve their visions of what their country should be.
September 28, 2015 — 4:24 PM
Noel says:
WIP #1: It’s a really neat premise, but I think there are things you’re not getting across. You’ve got a very, very light tone in this pitch and a very, very heavy subject matter, and the combination makes me nervous. I feel like you’re passing over the themes of mourning and bereavement in this sentence as fast as you possibly can to get to the wacky fairies. If that’s the tone of the work, maybe don’t lead with the bereavement in the pitch? Conversely, if the themes are heavily about grief and bereavement, bring that tone into these lines.
I’m also not getting anything about your main character from this: it seems like her goal is “get home,” but that doesn’t feel related to the bereavement theme, and I don’t know her personality at all from these lines. Also, a line like “guy who won’t take no for an answer” squicks me out a bit, especially when you seem to be using it comically. (I’m guessing the thing he won’t hear “no” about is more about something plot-related he wants her to do… but I don’t think I’m the only one who has a more negative reaction to that phrase than I think you’re going for.)
WIP #2: Fascinating premise, but I’d like a sense of what question I’m reading to find the answer to. It seems like you’ve given away the ending–“they destroy one another”–so what am I picking up the book to learn or experience? I can be sold on a straight-up tragedy, but I think you need to be a lot more evocative if that’s the case–about the conflict of wills, the competing visions of what their country should be, the tragic downfall. Or else about the absurdity and pig-headedness of these people–or whatever the tone actually is. Are we following a particular character? Is there an outcome that we care about? The whole plot seems to be stated so baldly here that I feel like I don’t need to read it to learn anything more.
September 28, 2015 — 4:51 PM
MarMar says:
Everything you thought you knew about fairy tales is a lie. At least, that’s what Greta has found after looking through her older brother’s things one afternoon.
September 28, 2015 — 4:42 PM
boundbeautifunk says:
Perhaps one more sentence regarding the ramifications of this discovery?
September 28, 2015 — 4:48 PM
Steph says:
I agree. The first sentence is intriguing, but it falls flat after that. I want to know a little more about what she found, and what it has to do with the opening line.
September 28, 2015 — 5:48 PM
MarMar says:
Yeah, it’s still a work in progress, and I kind of came up with those two sentences on the spot. What if I added in something, like:
Everything you thought you knew about fairy tales is a lie. At least, that’s what Greta is trying not to believe after finding a letter addressed to her among her brother’s things. In it contains the truth behind many of her favorite stories as well as a realization which, in hindsight, explains a lot: she’s not really from Vancouver.
September 28, 2015 — 5:58 PM
MarMar says:
I know it could still be better. I wish there was more of a spark to it, but I’m still working out a lot of the story details.
September 28, 2015 — 6:00 PM
Steph says:
What about something like this: “Everything you thought you knew about fairy tales is a lie. At least that’s what Greta starts to believe when she finds a letter with her name on it among her brothers things. The letter exposes the truth behind her favorite stories, and makes Greta realize she many not be from Vancouver at all.”
I actually like the last line as you have it “She’s not really from Vancouver,” but the last sentence is clunky. For instance, don’t include ‘in hindsight,’ because ‘realization’ already implies the same thing. You’ve got a lovely start, just play around with what you have, snip out some of the excess words and see where you end up!
September 29, 2015 — 2:17 PM
Tom says:
This is tough to do in three seconds. I’ve gone for the question approach for my novel ‘The Psychonaut’:
What is a Psychonaut? Merrick Whyte, a skeptical atheist, wouldn’t be able to tell you. But then again, being in denial about his supernatural talents could be a significant roadblock to him finding the answer.
September 28, 2015 — 5:06 PM