The elevator pitch.
The logline.
The query letter.
The back-of-the-book marketing copy.
One of the skills of the author, regardless of publishing format, is pitching your book in a way that is both concise and exciting to people who might be editors, agents, booksellers or readers.
So, it’s time to practice those skills here and now, in Ye Olde Comments Section.
You’ve got a WIP (work-in-progress), yeah? Then I want you to go to the comments section and give us the shortest possible pitch you can give for the book while still maintaining maximum engagement. You want to hook us with this pitch — not necessarily reel us in. Meaning, the pitch isn’t used to describe the entire novel. Just the most exciting part — the promise of the premise. A glimpse into the protagonist, the conflict, the stakes. Why do we care? Why would that pitch make us salivate? What is it really about and why will that grab us?
It’s a tricky skill.
As I say with a query letter, it’s like taking a 500 lb. pig and putting it into a 5 lb. bucket. Except with a logline, it’s more like shoving a 500 lb. pig in a fanny pack. Epic rendering necessary.
Keep your pitch between one and three sentences.
That’s the only restriction right now.
The other thing, though, is that once you post it?
Expect people to comment upon it. The goal here is to refine your pitches, not put them up for museum display. And if you post a pitch, please make a comment on someone else’s pitch, too.
Now, step up to the pitcher’s mound and let fly.
Christopher Hickey says:
It’s Supernatural meets The Town.
September 28, 2015 — 7:39 AM
terribleminds says:
I won’t comment on too many of these, but I’ll say here: probably way too short. Brevity is a powerful thing, but it can also be too brief — this is less an amuse-bouche and more a single lick of a lollipop.
You might be better going with, “It’s Supernatural meets The Town as/when [fill in a hook or two about protagonist, stakes, conflict, goal, something, anything].”
September 28, 2015 — 7:44 AM
Christopher Hickey says:
Thank you, Sensei. Let’s try that again:
It’s Supernatural meets The Town: a man from Boston’s Charlestown neighborhood finds himself at the center of an invasion of monstrous beings that threaten his city. Inexplicably marked, bereft of everything he knew, he stands against an ageless evil. The Code of Silence is about to be broken.
September 28, 2015 — 7:54 AM
Gem says:
I like the premise, but comparing it to two TV shows makes me think it’s a new show as opposed to a book 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 8:01 AM
terribleminds says:
Definitely better. The second and third sentences are interesting, though I wonder if they’re a little too ambiguous — particularly the “marked” bit and the “Code of Silence.” Though maybe not! Be curious to see if anyone else has thoughts there.
September 28, 2015 — 8:03 AM
Christopher Hickey says:
It’s tough, trying to find the happy place between too terse and too wordy. It’s a good exercise, and if nobody minds I’m just going to slip that into my toolkit.
September 28, 2015 — 8:59 AM
thelizwithzombies says:
Also, and not trying to be too anal, but I don’t know “The Town” so that reference is lost on me, and I don’t see the direct Supernatural correlation.
As much I as love doing pitches that compare to pre-existing work, and heaven knows I’ve referred to my own novel as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but with epic fantasy”, I’m not sure how effective they are. It’s just my personal opinion, but sometimes I wonder if it’s better to save headspace for the reader, and just have a few short pithy descriptions, and allow each person to make their own connections to other work they’ve already seen/enjoyed.
I love Supernatural, but Supernatural to me is about weird love/hate family relationships, the horror of fighting supernatural creatures you can’t win against, and Americana. Like a road trip movie with monsters. You’re probably using Supernatural as a reference because he’s a lone hero against high stakes fighting monsters in his city, but there’s a lot of other horror that does that too.
On the other hand, I have seen comparisons that are effective, but I find they work the best if the comparison is dead on. Like Cherie Priest’s Maplecroft, which is pitched as Cthulhu meets Lizzie Borden, because…well, that’s exactly what it is. Lizzie Borden fights scary sea monsters from beyond and it’s really creepy and horrific.
In short, this is just my opinion and I’m sure you’ll get a lot of people on one side of the comparison camp or the other. I feel like your pitch works okay, but I don’t see how the elements tie together, especially what the Code of Silence is.
Just my two cents! 😉
September 28, 2015 — 9:23 AM
kirizar says:
Keep in mind, not everyone knows the two shows you use in reference. That said, the rest of it reads well. I’d like to know the name of the ‘Man’ versus just that it is a male protagonist.
September 28, 2015 — 10:48 AM
addy says:
A wolf man craves revenge for an abussed tribe and a king needs to understand why his greatest friend tried to overthrow him. together they must cross the lands and confront their common enemy. before it is too late
September 28, 2015 — 7:48 AM
Mariah says:
Greatest friend is an odd phrase.
Before it is too late? Why? Before the world ends? Before they die? Before what?
September 28, 2015 — 8:03 AM
addy says:
good point, I’ll keep to best friend.
As for before its too late… ah ha a question mark, grabs it and hooks you in.
but your right you might need more context. I’ll give it some thought.
thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 8:05 AM
Axl T says:
I think greatest friend works, or maybe greatest ally. Best friend might not suit a king!
September 28, 2015 — 10:17 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Or maybe most trusted friend? Best friend does sound a little…casual in the context as pitched.
September 28, 2015 — 10:24 AM
Axl T says:
Do kings really have friends? Can they?
September 28, 2015 — 10:48 AM
addy says:
I’ll experament. but even knigs have friends. although it may be ill advised.
thank you though
September 28, 2015 — 11:16 AM
Beth says:
Good start but you can amp up the emotion more. “Before it’s too late,” is very generic and doesn’t give us what stakes are involved.
Two men want revenge. A wolf man and a deposed king travel the wastes of their world seeking the key to bring down their common foe before he destroys their world utterly.
Something like that.
September 28, 2015 — 8:07 AM
addy says:
thats great thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 8:35 AM
melody says:
Addy, No one has mentioned punctuation. I would add that a written pitch is a formal setting that requires full punctuation. Just a thought. I routinely type lower case so no real judgment from me.
September 28, 2015 — 9:41 AM
addy says:
thanks Melody. my punctuation is never my strong suit but i cant improve unless its pointed out. cheers 😀
September 28, 2015 — 9:58 AM
Beth says:
When Arekan Mor’a’stan gets annoyed he is likely to do something outrageous, like try to take back the throne lost by family three hundred years before.
September 28, 2015 — 7:53 AM
addy says:
i like this, it is quite funny and intriguing. But i think you should cut “lost by family three hundred years before” since it says take back, we know it belongs to him. and makes it that much more outragous.
either way. love it
September 28, 2015 — 7:56 AM
Beth says:
Thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 8:09 AM
Augie says:
I actually like the ‘three hundred years’ part because it is outrageous frame. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 8:14 AM
Axl T says:
agree
September 28, 2015 — 10:22 AM
Southpaw, HR Sinclair says:
same here
September 28, 2015 — 11:50 AM
Katy says:
It’s great! Maybe an ellipsis should be between “outrageous” and “like”. Also, the throne was lost by who? I’m assuming it’s his, but “by his family” might be better. I like it though.
September 28, 2015 — 9:06 AM
melody says:
this one spoke to me as well, simple to the point and gives the overall plot.
September 28, 2015 — 9:44 AM
petealexharris says:
I like the idea that he will try to take “his” throne back (upsetting three hundred years of presumed stability with no real justification) in an outrageous way. Totally want to see how he pulls that off. But…does his name really need apostrophes? Are fantasy writers still doing that?
September 28, 2015 — 10:24 AM
Beth says:
Ah Pete, Does his name need apostrophes? According to the language rules of his native tongue, yes (because stupid me I built a conlang.) But you aren’t the first one who’s made that comment. Good thing you haven’t seen his daughter’s name. It would put you in fits.
October 5, 2015 — 2:04 PM
Beth says:
Pete, though I do like your analysis. Very sharp.
October 5, 2015 — 2:12 PM
Pete Alex Harris (@ScavengerEthic) says:
Thanks! I am a sucker for a conlang myself. Current fantasy project has a blend of Esperanto and Bulgarian.
My problem with apostrophes is partly the trope factor, but also I tend to subvocalise unusual words, and after a few pages of doing all the glottal stops properly, I’ll have a sore throat 🙂
Which is stupid now I think of it, because I actually have a Scottish accent.
October 6, 2015 — 2:57 PM
kirizar says:
Maybe include some detail the identifies Arekan’s role in the nation? Is he a sneak thief? Is he a behind-the-scenes manipulator? Or include some hint as to why Arekan has a vested interest in the outcome? Annoyance is an amusing reason to depose a regime, but a personal stake/vendetta might be a stronger pull. (I know it is hard to boil this stuff down to three sentences, so I think you managed an intriguing snippet, but I think you can rework it a touch to flush out the motivations a little.)
September 28, 2015 — 10:54 AM
kirizar says:
Dangit, I think I tagged the wrong work. Mea culpa.
September 28, 2015 — 10:55 AM
Beth says:
Ack! Missing wordl Let’s try this again.
When Arekan Mor’a’stan gets annoyed he is likely to do something outrageous, like try to take back the throne lost by his family three hundred years before.
September 28, 2015 — 7:57 AM
jjtoner says:
The complicated name spoils it for me. It contains no information. I think it would be stronger if you used that space to tell us something about the guy. Is he a giant, a dwarf, a supernatural being, a great warrior, an angel, an outside king from a mythical land?
September 28, 2015 — 9:30 AM
jjtoner says:
ousted – not outside
September 28, 2015 — 9:31 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Maybe “the throne his family lost three hundred years earlier” to make it more active.
September 28, 2015 — 9:40 AM
Beth says:
Thanks. I’ll consider it.
October 5, 2015 — 2:10 PM
Gem says:
A disillusioned girl’s destiny lies within an ancient magical order destined to protect humanity.
September 28, 2015 — 7:58 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
I find this quite intriguing, since I’ve been a disillusioned girl, and often wished for a magical destiny that involved somehow saving the world. But you could expand on this by a sentence or two. Tell us more. Surely all’s not well that ends well: she’s magical and now all’s right with the world…?
September 28, 2015 — 8:04 AM
Mariah says:
I quite like this. A couple things. Do you mean girl or woman? Is it set in the modern day? Is the order destined to protect humanity from a thing or itself?
September 28, 2015 — 8:06 AM
Gem says:
Thanks for your comments. How about this:
A teenage girl, disillusioned with the many institutions that have failed her, moves back to her deceased mother’s village and discovers an ancestral calling within an ancient, magical order, where humanity’s survival against a dark and deadly poison rests on her shoulders.
September 28, 2015 — 9:17 AM
mariahavix says:
This is stronger. I do wonder what many institutions means (though it does tell me it is modern). I like the stakes!
September 28, 2015 — 9:33 AM
jjtoner says:
I would break this up. It’s too difficult to read as a single sentence. And too long for a one-line log line.
September 28, 2015 — 9:33 AM
melody says:
maybe leave off the ‘with the many institutions that have failed her.’ add a positive adjective (loyal, brave, …) adjective to pump up your heroine. make ‘humanity’s’ the start of a new sentence. does it work?
September 28, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Gem says:
This is great feedback guys. I’ll try again:
A disillusioned yet resilient teenager moves back to her deceased mother’s village and discovers an ancestral calling within an ancient, magical order. Can she overcome her deep-rooted mistrust which pushes against the people she must rely on in this world? After all, humanity’s survival against a dark and deadly poison rests entirely on her shoulders.
September 28, 2015 — 10:47 AM
SamKD says:
I too want to read this book. However I want to make my own pitch for “dead” instead of “deceased.”
September 28, 2015 — 2:13 PM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
Novel: “In Shining Armor”:
Logline: “A young man from modern-day America, Krishnan, is transported back in time to late Medieval Wales, where he’s rescued by Bleddyn, one of Lord John Wynn’s squires. Their instant attraction is as powerful as it is immediate, and together they must navigate not only the vagaries of the time in which Krish has found himself, but also try to find out why he was sent back in the first place and a way to get him home. But when the time comes to leave…will Krish want to go?”
September 28, 2015 — 8:01 AM
addy says:
This sounds interesting. i imagine a lot of modernday references that gets lost on everyone and a fun adventure.
i would read on.
September 28, 2015 — 8:04 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
Thank you! Is there anything in particular I could ax from this somewhat wordy logline? Or leave it as is? I must say, your reply fills me with glee. GLEE, I SAY!
September 28, 2015 — 8:06 AM
kakubjaya says:
Very informative. I will say it succeeds beautifully in giving me a clear picture of the story. Now, if I were wanting to cut it, I might ask myself if Lord John Wynn was necessary, “Bleddyn, a squire” or even just “Bleddyn” might do the trick (your mileage may vary), also, don’t know if “instant” is needed when you have the lovely “powerful as it is immediate” to do the heavy lifting, also, I would ask myself how useful “navigate not only the vagaries of time” is or if you can make do with just “try to find out… etc”. But definitely keep that last sentence, it actually does remind me of a dustjacket blurb.
September 28, 2015 — 8:26 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
THANK YOU! I’ve made just those changes and it reads MUCH better!
September 28, 2015 — 1:00 PM
Beth says:
Trim words.
Krishnan transports from twenty-first century America to Medieval Wales where he is rescued from [what?] by Bleddyn, a lord’s squire. Their attraction is immediate and powerful. While seeking a way home Krish navigates an ancient culture and a new relationship. Will he want to go when it is time to leave?
September 28, 2015 — 8:28 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
Hmm . . . rescued from what, indeed. Death from exposure or even misadventure, were another, more trigger-happy squire to have found him on Lord John’s lands. Ha! Now, I have to figure out if I’m going to add that, and if so, how to shorten it. Or if I’ll just change “rescued” to “found.” That doesn’t have the same dramatic ring to it, though. . . .
Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 1:28 PM
mariahavix says:
This is a little long (which I think you know since you asked about axing).
How important is it that we know now that it is “one of Lord John Wynn’s squires.” (does this mean things to your intended readers, it doesn’t to me).
I’m sure that it is important that it is late Medieval Wales, but could you just say Medieval Wales and show us exactly when in the book?
“navigate not only the vagaries of time in which Krish has found himself” could you just say navigate time? Because just navigate time sounds kind of awesome. The rest feels a little like filler to me.
September 28, 2015 — 8:31 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
Thank you!
I do tend to get wordy. To the point that sometimes my words read like filler, I suppose. I just try to cram in as much “necessary” info as possible. I’ve gotta learn to self-edit a little better. At least when it comes to length.
“Navigate time” does sound pretty cool 😀
September 28, 2015 — 1:25 PM
Christopher Hickey says:
I like this one. Were it mine, I’d describe the rescuers instead of naming them, but that’s a teeny quibble.
September 28, 2015 — 8:53 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
An interesting quibble, though. . . and you, as a reader, wouldn’t be less engaged because you don’t have the name of the other main character? I’ve always heard that you should name your characters in synopses and queries (and I guess loglines) so that the reader will make a connection. Instead of seeing “the time-traveling backpacker and the Medieval squire” they see Krish and Bleddyn. Although . . . the former DOES have a definite ring to it. . . .
Do you think it’d really be better without the names? (And this is not a rhetorical question.)
September 28, 2015 — 1:22 PM
Katy says:
This reminded me SO much of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon (which I love, so no hate from me). It’s a slightly different time period and place (mid-eighteenth century Scotland) and the main character’s a woman, but check it out because it’s my favorite book.
Anyway, I would cut out “instant” from “their instant attraction”. It’s unnecessary because you then go on to say “…as it is immediate”
September 28, 2015 — 9:15 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
LOL, I’ve definitely heard of Outlander, but still have yet to read it. Mostly because of my novel, which I didn’t want to be directly influenced by something so similar, before I had a chance to finish it. Well, I’ve finished the first draft, and I’m working on the second. Soon, I’ll be free to read the novel, which I have on my Kindle, and watch the series, which I have on blu-ray.
Yeah, I’ve removed “instant” from the equation 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 1:16 PM
romanowrites says:
How do you defeat the monster when the monster is yourself? A bit of Johnny Mnemonic meets Mission Impossible, “Edge of Darkness” is a sci-fi thriller looking to answer that very question.
September 28, 2015 — 8:05 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
WOW. I think Johnny Mnemonic was underrated, and adding that MI action and intrigue would make for an irresistible story! I think this logline only needs to change one thing: “…’Edge of Darkness,’ intrepid Hero’s Name is looking to answer that very question.”
GIve us a name on which to hang our hats and hearts. Make it personal for us. Names have a wonderful way of making us relate to someone and that’s what people are doing when they read a novel: relating to a character or characters, not to a plot-line or action scene.
Good luck!
September 28, 2015 — 8:11 AM
Axl T says:
Premise is very intriguing. Agree about adding the name. I’m not sure about the “xxxx meets yyyyyy” thing, but that is a more general question I have about log lines. I guess I’d rather read a plot point. Though Johnny Mnemonic meets Mission Impossible sounds like a great combo!
September 28, 2015 — 10:29 AM
Beth says:
Good start. I suggest trimming your filler words to sharpen the statement.
How do you defeat the monster when it is you? Johnny Mnemonic meets MIssion Impossible as “Edge of Darkness,” seeks to answer that question.
September 28, 2015 — 8:13 AM
Jason P. says:
Nice! The only thing missing, like Rachel said, is the protagonist’s name.
September 28, 2015 — 8:33 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
That first line is killer. Not a fan of the xxx meets xxx thing, but I get why it’s useful.
September 28, 2015 — 9:43 AM
melody says:
I like the first line very well, it leads to more questions that I truly want answered. Unfortunately the reference to Johnny Mnemonic loses me…I know, every one is now asking if I live in a cave or something. I have seen some of the MI movies so I got that.
I set my self up for ridicule here to point out the risk of referencing another work. It’s only effective if the reader is familiar with the piece. You incur the added risk the reader’s perception may be your book may not be as original as they would like.
September 28, 2015 — 9:54 AM
kirizar says:
I had the same problem. No reference for Johnny Mnemonic. But, the first sentence is very clear.
September 28, 2015 — 11:06 AM
romanowrites says:
Though I agree to some extent about risking losing an audience if they don’t know the aforementioned book, I would think most who read this type of sci fi will be familiar with Gibson’s work. Or perhaps have seen the movie. There aren’t many that I would cosnider a fair second that wouldn’t pose an even greater risk.
September 28, 2015 — 11:31 AM
jennimyburgh says:
The first line is amazing 🙂 Really drew me in! I agree with Beth… “when the monster is you?” This is long enough to give good information without being wordy…
September 28, 2015 — 10:14 AM
romanowrites says:
So the updated version would be: How do you defeat the monster when the monster is yourself? A bit of Johnny Mnemonic meets Mission Impossible, Edge of Darkness’ reluctant hero, Calder McKenna, is looking to answer that very question.
Thank you all for the great feedback!
September 28, 2015 — 11:26 AM
Clementine Danger says:
The world always ends on October 5, 2035. The world has never been saved, the world has never seen October 6, 2035. But the world has never had doomsday prophet Sam before.
September 28, 2015 — 8:06 AM
Lili Nemo says:
This hooked me right away. The idea that there is a time loop about to be challenged sucked me right in. To me, the final sentence is a little off somehow, but I’m not sure why.
Lili
September 28, 2015 — 8:39 AM
Axl T says:
Agree with all points. Maybe it’s the name. Seems like a weirder name would fit better.
September 28, 2015 — 10:31 AM
Tony Payson says:
You have pulled me in. I would love to see where this goes.
September 28, 2015 — 8:40 AM
Christopher Hickey says:
I’d read this, sight unseen, no further urging needed.
September 28, 2015 — 8:54 AM
Leigh Statham says:
This sounds like a great premise. I like the basic idea of repetition you are going for here, but I think you use the phrase “the world” one (or two) too many times. How about just cutting it down to something like this:
“The world always ends on October 5, 2035. No one has ever seen October 6, 2035. But the world has never had doomsday prophet Sam before.”
I think you have room to fit in a few more details without losing the integrity of your original idea. Cheers!
September 28, 2015 — 8:57 AM
Melissa A Graham says:
I think this is as prefect as you could get! Had me hooked instantly! Can’t wait to read this, I know it will snag someone’s attention.
September 28, 2015 — 9:20 AM
SamKD says:
That “always” has me hooked big-time. I’d definitely read this.
The second sentence could be condensed several ways. One is “The world has never seen October 6, 2035.”
September 28, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
I actually like this condensing better. It plays with the follow up line of “But the world has never had…”
September 28, 2015 — 10:29 PM
jjtoner says:
Groundhog day plus the apocalypse! Reads like the log line for a film script. Love it!
September 28, 2015 — 9:38 AM
thelizwithzombies says:
I agree, this is a fantastic pitch. I would use Leigh Statham’s suggestion, and cut “the world” because it’s repetitious in a jarring way.
You could add a little more to the last sentence, and I think you should consider it since it feels like the pitch is cut short. There’s this fantastic build up about how the world always ends, and no one has seen a day past doomsday, but this time things are different because of Sam. Maybe add in a small detail about Sam and why he can stop it? How does he plan on trying to stop the time loop? Allow us to picture what exactly he’s going to do.
If you can’t give details for plot reasons, then you can always give out another complication. Like, “But the world has never had doomsday prophet Sam before. Sam can break the cycle–if he just has the courage to betray his one true love.”
September 28, 2015 — 9:41 AM
melody says:
definitely works for me, I want to know more about sam and see oct 6, 2035 with him/her.
September 28, 2015 — 10:10 AM
jennimyburgh says:
This is a great pitch! I’d love to read this!
September 28, 2015 — 10:17 AM
Tiggs says:
Oh, I like this. Groundhog Apocalypse.
At first glance, I’d have been tempted to remove the entire second sentence, as it’s not adding any new information. Maybe condense it into a cheeky “Always.” or add some new information.
At second glance – it’s tricky. I like “The world” repetition, in all three sentences. There’s power in those repetitions. I’m just not sure how to include it in the second sentence without essentially restating the first.
September 28, 2015 — 10:35 AM
Mace says:
Good hook. I like the “always ends” in the first line because that makes me curious about the premise in many good ways. I would read this! 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 11:06 AM
kirizar says:
It suggest moving up your protagonist a bit. I found the second sentence a little of a drag on the initial oomph:
Doomsday prophet Sam (last name) has watched the world end every October 5. But this time with a little help from (insert cataclysmic chicken weapon–or whatever) he is damned sure going to make it to October 6, 2035, or die trying.
September 28, 2015 — 11:12 AM
Aaron J. says:
I like the “always” part of it. It also gives me notions of Groundhog’s Day. I’d read it based on that.
September 28, 2015 — 11:27 AM
R. M. Mendivil says:
Time loops, I’km guessing? I love it. Makes me think of Looper and Supernatural. It has a perfect combination of brevity and setting.
Basically: *raises hand* I’d read this.
September 28, 2015 — 1:17 PM
lindasandswrites says:
Chiming in with the love here. Great premise–and agree character name should be stronger. Also, try to not use “world’ in every sentence.
September 29, 2015 — 9:49 AM
Augie says:
A demonic mind eater rises up from Below to enslave all that she can on the Surface. Just before she reaches the pinnacle of power, she becomes trapped inside a young woman hellbent on making the ultimate sacrifice to save her kingdom.
September 28, 2015 — 8:07 AM
mariahavix says:
I like this one.
It seems like the mind eater is your protagonist though and I’m not positive that’s true. (I think it would be awesome if it was, but it would surprise me.)
September 28, 2015 — 8:26 AM
Augie says:
Yep. Mind eater as protagonist. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 8:32 AM
mariahavix says:
That is fantastic! Might be worth it to clarify that a little in the last sentence. Something that shows that she’s really just a buzzkill for this whole sacrificing thing.
Also I want to read!
September 28, 2015 — 9:17 AM
Augie says:
Thanks! I’ve posted a little bit on my website, http://www.augietoaste.com/blog/the-taste-of-evil
Revised:
Lofae, a demonic mind eater, rises up from Below to enslave all that she can on the Surface. Just before she reaches the pinnacle of power, she becomes trapped inside a young woman hellbent on making the ultimate sacrifice to save her kingdom. Now, not only must she outsmart her own dark legions, she needs to convince her host to stay alive.
September 30, 2015 — 5:57 AM
jjtoner says:
How come this young woman has a kingdom to save? Should that be a young queen/princess? As you may have guessed I found it a tad confusing. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 9:41 AM
kirizar says:
Maybe a bit punchier–switch some of the adjectives around?
The Mind Eaters from Below are getting restless. The Surface is unprepared to face (insert name here)–a She Demon bent on conquest. One-Woman Demon Bait–(insert name) is about to find out how hellbent she can get in order to save her world.
I imagine this with that announcer’s voice from all movie previews: Coming to a theater near you…
September 28, 2015 — 11:19 AM
Rachel E. Bailey says:
Okay, I want a copy of this novel, NOW.
(Oh, yeah, I think you’re missing a word “had” and “doomsday” and between “prophet” and “Sam” . . . “a doomsday prophet like Sam.”)
September 28, 2015 — 8:14 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Oh, much better! Thanks! So:
The world always ends on October 5, 2035. The world has never been saved, the world has never seen October 6. But the world has never had a doomsday prophet like Sam before.
September 28, 2015 — 8:21 AM
kakubjaya says:
“In Every Eden an Apple” is a tale of terraforming and adventure. Morgan Gannis returns to the world he helped to make to find danger waiting for him in the garden.
September 28, 2015 — 8:14 AM
Clementine Danger says:
You had me at “terraforming.” A person literally creating a world is just so very juicy, especially if there’s hints that something didn’t quite go according to plan. The plot sounds intriguing and the premise promises a whole lot of juicy worldbuilding. Literally in this case. I’d definitely read it.
Small note: I’m personally not a huge fan of the “[…] is a tale of…” structure. It sounds a little cliche to me, but that could be a YMMV thing.
September 28, 2015 — 8:26 AM
kakubjaya says:
Thanks for the input! BTW, the only reason I haven’t commented on your magnificent “The world always ends on October 5, 2035. The world has never been saved, the world has never seen October 6. But the world has never had a doomsday prophet like Sam before” is because I couldn’t think of a way to improve upon it.
I would read this. More than that, if it gets published, I will read it. Sounds damn interesting.
September 28, 2015 — 8:36 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Thank you so much! That really makes my day 🙂
Forgot to mention, I also really like your title. It conjures up images of a lush paradise, until you stop for a moment to think about that apple, and what traditionally happens with that… Yeah, I like it. Good luck!
September 28, 2015 — 8:43 AM
kirizar says:
This is very easy to grasp. Since you have boiled it down so well, you might have room to develop the motivations of Morgan Gannis. Is he returning despite his own doubts? Is he a scientist who questions his creation? Is he responsible for a terrible injustice to an indigenous species. (That probably would be giving a secret away though.)
September 28, 2015 — 11:23 AM
Beth says:
Very cool, though I personally found the insertion of the two dates distracting. Maybe just the first one and then say “the world has never seen the next day.” ??
September 28, 2015 — 8:16 AM
Beth says:
This was in response to Clementines log line.
September 28, 2015 — 8:16 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Got it, thanks for the feedback! You’re absolutely right too, it doesn’t flow well at all the way I posted it, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Much appreciated.
September 28, 2015 — 8:18 AM
Lili Nemo says:
I think it works better with the two dates because it makes it more dramatic. “the next day” sounds (to me) more abstract and defeats the purpose. Just my 2 cents, lol.
September 28, 2015 — 8:45 AM
Axl T says:
Agree, next day is better imho
September 28, 2015 — 10:33 AM
tuppencecowley says:
It’s 1645, and Oliver Cromwell’s New Model Army is marching on Naseby: the battle that changes the course of the English Civil War. One man in particular is about to die. Back at home, in deep Parliamentary territory, his young wife’s troubles are only just beginning.
September 28, 2015 — 8:18 AM
Beth says:
I think you just told the whole story. 😉
Better to build a little mystery.
The entire course of a country hangs on a single battle. Men will die. But for the wife of one such man her troubles are just beginning.
September 28, 2015 — 8:33 AM
tuppencecowley says:
I definitely see what you mean… this is what happens when you get bogged down in the research stage! I can already tell it’s going to be a beast in the editing.
I still want the historical grounding, though, so I’m loath to get rid of *all* the details. How about:
1645, Naseby, England: the fate of a country hangs in a single battle. Thomas Gordon is about to die. But back home, his wife’s troubles are just beginning.
September 28, 2015 — 8:53 AM
jjtoner says:
Nice final version, Batman!
September 28, 2015 — 9:47 AM
Axl T says:
Awesome! Might try ‘hinges on’ instead of ‘hangs in’
September 28, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Beth says:
This is such a great example of “the query should reflect the tone of the work.” The first one reads very Bernard Cornwell to me: well researched, beautifully intricate, maybe a little dry, something I’d probably read and enjoy but not necessarily seek out. This second one reads more Hilary Mantel: shut up and take my money NOW. Well done.
September 28, 2015 — 12:52 PM
tuppencecowley says:
Thanks for these, Axl and Beth – you’re absolutely right, it’s about the tone. I was trying for Hilary Mantel, so it’s good that’s a bit more of what comes to mind. Definitely keeping this feedback, thank you!
September 29, 2015 — 7:49 AM
Mariah says:
Very bad at this….
Just a typical love story. Woman meets dog. Discovers dog is a werewolf. Saves him, and several dozen more, from a forced underground fighting ring.
Or
Diane lives to help rescued dogs. When one is a wolf who turns into a man she has to find a way to rescue him. Even if it means working with werewolves who treat her like dinner.
September 28, 2015 — 8:22 AM
tuppencecowley says:
The first one starts out really strongly, but the energy dwindles a bit by the last sentence – might be the middle clause that’s doing it. The rest of it is pretty memorable, though. I’d read that book!
I like the second one a lot, but I had to read the second sentence twice to get the sense of it. Maybe “when one turns into a man” or “when one turns out to be a werewolf” instead?
September 28, 2015 — 8:29 AM
mariahavix says:
Thank you so much for the feedback.
Maybe
Just a typical love story. Woman meets dog. Discovers dog is a werewolf. Has to save him from a dog fighting ring with the help of werewolves who might want to eat her.
Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Beth says:
I’m not getting the flow of the story here. What happens first? What happens second? What are the stakes in the story?
A chance encounter with a wolf leave Diane questioning her sanity. She didn’t see him morph into the most gorgeous man she ever saw, did she? Seeking answers she’s forced to rescue him from a vicious dog fighting ring and face her growing feelings for the creature that’s both wolf and man.
September 28, 2015 — 8:52 AM
mariahavix says:
Thank you so much for your feedback. And yes that’s basically exactly what happens. (She spends about half the short convinced she’s got a brain tumor.) Really appreciate it!
September 28, 2015 — 9:21 AM
Melissa A Graham says:
I agree, the first one has the most impact til the end but I can’t put my finger on what changes could help. Blasted, I need coffee!!
September 28, 2015 — 9:22 AM
mariahavix says:
I think the last sentence in the first one is too long and breaks the rhythm? Maybe?
Just a typical love story. Woman meets dog. Discovers dog is a werewolf. Woman takes on werewolf fighting ring.
September 28, 2015 — 10:22 AM
mariahavix says:
And thank you! May your coffee cup be never ending.
September 28, 2015 — 10:23 AM
kirizar says:
Mariah,
No worries, we are all bad at this. Trust me. Mine sucks exhaust fumes.
I think it would be more intriguing if you don’t reveal the werewolf/fighting ring aspect immediately, but rather hint at it.
It’s not your typical love story. A girl meets the perfect guy–sadly he’s an suspiciously intelligent husky who seems to understand her better than any boyfriend ever has. When he’s captured as another victim of an underground fight ring, she’ll do anything to get him back. The girl may have set out to rescue him–but it may just turn out, he’ll rescue her instead.
September 28, 2015 — 11:34 AM
mariahavix says:
Thank you!
I was wondering if I should be hinting rather than being very direct. It is really helpful to hear that feedback as well. Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 5:28 PM
murgatroid98 says:
A young psychic is fired from her job for reading Tarot. As she hones her craft and starts a new job, other psychics are found murdered.
September 28, 2015 — 8:26 AM
kakubjaya says:
I feel like this could flow better as one sentence. Also, is the new job that important? Or could that be implied in just honing her craft? Also, might want to connect her personally to the murders, mentioning that she’s the one who has to solve them in some way. As it stands, it sounds sort of detached and passive.
September 28, 2015 — 8:33 AM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
Fired for reading Tarot? I’m offended on her behalf. I’d probably read this–but I think you could amp up the emotion surrounding ‘murdered’ somehow, to coil that mystery a little more tightly around the reader. Make us worry, make us fret! As it is, it sounds very calm.
September 28, 2015 — 8:33 AM
Beth says:
I’m not getting the connection between the two sentences.
She tries to live a normal life, and work an ordinary nine to five, but her tarot deck calls her. Why do the cards keep telling her about about other psychics that are murdered?
September 28, 2015 — 8:39 AM
Andi says:
I’m not sure I understand why the first part is important. Why now ‘A young psychic hones her crafts and starts a new job’
I’m also not sure what her role in the story will be? Thriller style trying to stay or mystery style hunt down the bad people? But sounds like a very interesting concept.
September 28, 2015 — 9:01 AM
jennimyburgh says:
Is this young psychic in danger of becoming the next murder victim? Or is she a suspect? It would be nice to just have a little clarity on that 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:19 AM
kirizar says:
You could use a play on words:
When the Tarot deck is stacked against her, (insert name) has to channel her gifts or wind up as the next victim of a paranormal serial killer. Being psychic may not be enough when death deals the cards.
September 28, 2015 — 11:42 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Hmmm. I’m trying to keep this short. Thanks for all your feedback.
A young psychic faces religious zealotry as she works to hone her skills and other psychics are found murdered. She must learn to embrace her abilities when she becomes a target.
September 29, 2015 — 5:32 AM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
It’s “No Way Out” on a starship; Ensign Karen Boyd has a coded message inside her head. If she can decipher it, she can learn her ship’s real mission… if she can stay alive that long.
September 28, 2015 — 8:26 AM
james orion says:
Short and sweet. Not sure if this is what you’re going for- but I like how this is phrased to sound like the ship has its own agenda.
September 28, 2015 — 8:52 AM
Beth says:
Good start. Personally I think that you can lose the first phrase
Starship Ensign Karen Boyd has a coded message inside her head, etc.
September 28, 2015 — 8:54 AM
jjtoner says:
Too many “ifs” …but can she say alive that long? maybe
September 28, 2015 — 9:50 AM
mariahavix says:
I think it could work if you add another if (if she can learn her ship’s real mission) or take the one from if she can decipher it away. I feel like it’s either too many or not enough. And I am apparently goldilocks.
September 28, 2015 — 10:26 AM
Leigh Statham says:
Lady Marguerite and her faithful automaton, Outil, survived their airpirate infested journey across the Atlantic and a year in His Majesty’s Aeronautical School for Fine Young Ladies, but crashing her dirigible on her first solo flight is just the first of Marguerite’s new problems. Soon the pair find themselves thrust back into the explosive world of buccaneers and privateers on the high Atlantic winds, only this time not all of the pirates are strangers.
September 28, 2015 — 8:27 AM
Tony Payson says:
You had me at “dirigible”.
September 28, 2015 — 8:44 AM
jennimyburgh says:
I agree! Big win on using “dirigible”. Also, I love that his name is Outil 🙂 This pitch is very good, sounds like something I’d love to read.
September 28, 2015 — 10:21 AM
R. M. Mendivil says:
I feel like the sentences could flow better, especially the first one, but otherwise I found it very engaging. It sounds like a steampunk/dieselpunk, definitely my cup of tea, but I’m sure even people unfamiliar with those genres will find this concept eye-catching at the very least. In short: *raises hand* I’d read this.
September 28, 2015 — 1:29 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Thanks guys! Appreciate the support 🙂 *tips top hat*
September 28, 2015 — 8:42 PM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
In a Steampunk Victorian London, talented engineer Octavius Langtry is juggling too many gears: his twin searches for job security and validation, the kidnapping of his masterpiece as well as that of master computer Ada Lovelace…oh, and the fact that he’s actually the she, Octavia Crowdale.
September 28, 2015 — 8:29 AM
Tony Payson says:
I’m a sucker for Steampunk. Has anyone covered the subject of gender roles in this genre? If not, I think it’s high time someone did.
September 28, 2015 — 8:50 AM
Leigh Statham says:
I’m pretty sure gender roles are a theme in just about every steampunk novel I’ve read/written. It’s a pretty wide open field. Lots of fun to be had 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:06 AM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
‘punk genres best genres
I keep describing this novel to friends as “steampunk Mulan”, which isn’t the least accurate description I’ve ever given of something.
September 28, 2015 — 10:18 AM
Leigh Statham says:
Mulan is my hero. You’ve got my gears running now. Is this a WIP? Need to know more. Steampunkers gotta stick together.
September 29, 2015 — 2:29 PM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
For some reason it won’t let me reply to you directly, Leigh. What a mysterious site…
But yes, Mulan is fabulous, and this is a WIP I started last NaNo, lost track of due to college, and recently have committed myself to completing this year. This is the current version of what I’ve been thinking of as my back-cover copy if you’re interested:
“Octavius Langtry is the latest member of the Royal Society of Engineers: an up-and-coming inventor whose claim to fame revolves around his pursuit of automata. His project has culminated in the mechanical dragon Geargizzard, a device so lifelike you’d hardly believe it was only metal and steam.
He has the favour of the Queen and the adoration of the Society, but Octavius also has a secret: beneath the goggle-decked top hat and soot stains, he’s actually the she Octavia Crowdale, masquerading as Octavius in order to avoid all the trials that come with being an eligible young lady.
However, when Geargizzard is stolen and Ada Lovelace–Octavia’s hero, the Enchantress of Numbers and queen of computing–is vanished right out of her home, Octavia makes it her mission to rescue the inventor and uncover a conspiracy against steampower that boils in the underbelly of London. It’ll take a master detective and all Octavia’s mechanical know-how to stop the explosion before England goes up in flames…”
(Also, a revised pitch: In a steam-driven Victorian London, talented engineer Octavius Langtry is juggling too many gears: his hunt for job security and validation, the kidnapping of his masterpiece as well as computing mistress Ada Lovelace…oh, and the fact that he’s actually the she, Octavia Crowdale. )
Thanks for the interest! It’s really validating.
September 30, 2015 — 8:22 AM
Andi says:
Okay, the gear pun made me smile and I love the gender switch. At first read I saw twin searches as a literal person twin searching and was confused but now I get it. I think it could be tightened up “juggling too many gears: job security and validation, the kidnapping… etc.”
Also is Ada Lovelace the name of an actual computer or a person in the novel because right now I’m not sure?
September 28, 2015 — 8:59 AM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
You know, I could have sworn I pulled this from the updated version that reads “mistress of computing Ada Lovelace”. Apparently not. Apparently I don’t function well without coffee pre-noon. Lovelace is a character, yes.
Thanks for the feedback, though! That was definitely a spot I felt was troublesome, but was having difficulty tightening up, and your suggestion is very smooth.
September 28, 2015 — 10:03 AM
KatFrench says:
Love your overall premise, and how much setting and conflict you’ve packed into a short pitch. One quibble? “his twin searches” made me initially think he had a twin sibling who was searching. I sort of stumbled over that and had to re-read it with the understanding it meant he was searching for two things. I think it’d be cleaner just as “his search for job security and validation”.
September 29, 2015 — 11:11 AM
JT Lawrence says:
An eccentric modern-day witch, accused of murder, must explore her past lives in order to keep her freedom — and find her way back to magic.
September 28, 2015 — 8:31 AM
Jason P. says:
That’s a really neat pitch! I want to read this.
September 28, 2015 — 8:52 AM
SamKD says:
Agree: good pitch.
September 28, 2015 — 9:34 AM
Axl T says:
All the likes!
September 28, 2015 — 10:39 AM
kirizar says:
Did she abandon her coven? Is she a renegade? Why did she leave magic behind? Also, the word ‘eccentric’ is a bit vague. Maybe use an example of how she is eccentric?
Preferring cell phones to reading chicken gizzards? Riding American Airlines instead of a broom?
Googling ‘Arcanum for Dummies’?
Inquiring minds want to know.
September 28, 2015 — 11:50 AM
John Appel says:
I think you nailed this one.
September 28, 2015 — 12:13 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Oh, very nice! I get a very strong sense of what the story’s about, and it’s very concise. I’d read your book!
September 28, 2015 — 2:03 PM
Fred G. Yost says:
You have my interest
September 28, 2015 — 10:23 PM
Jason P. says:
In the near future, an ex-Army solider moonlights as a private eye. He is hired to find a Donald Trump-like mogul’s daughter before his former CO, now a bounty hunter, brings him in for going AWOL.
September 28, 2015 — 8:32 AM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
If he’s ex-Army, how can he be AWOL?
September 28, 2015 — 8:35 AM
Jason P. says:
Thanks Curtis. It comes out in the story, but for pitching purposes, maybe I ought to change it.
An Army solider moonlights as a private eye. He is hired to find a Donald Trump-like mogul’s daughter before his former CO, now a bounty hunter, brings him in for going AWOL.
September 28, 2015 — 8:54 AM
jjtoner says:
Is the reference to Donald Trump key? It feels shoehorned in there, to me. Why not just a mogul’s daughter or a billionaire’s daughter?
September 28, 2015 — 9:54 AM
kirizar says:
I’d state his rank instead of just saying ‘soldier’.
Army Sergeant (insert name) goes AWOL in a race to find a mogul’s missing daughter. With a bounty hunter dogging his trail, its a race against time. It doesn’t help the man hunting him is the CO who trained him and holds a serious grudge (or whatever history they have–maybe they are best former friends?).
September 28, 2015 — 11:56 AM
james orion says:
Now I want to know why he left the army and whether it is tied to the rich daughter. You got me. Good job.
September 28, 2015 — 8:55 AM
Jason P. says:
Thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 8:56 AM
Axl T says:
I think you might be better off with a couple adjectives rather than Donald Trump-like. He’ll be old news again soon. Sounds like a great premise though.
September 28, 2015 — 10:42 AM
John Appel says:
If he’s actually been gone long enough to forge this other life, he’s actually a deserter, not AWOL. The consequences of being a deserter are much more severe; if you can find a way to work that in, you may amp up the tension in the pitch.
September 28, 2015 — 12:16 PM
Tony Payson says:
Ellie, hungry for her first Pulitzer, has uncovered a string of bizarre and grizzly murders in the sleepy border town of Princeton, Maine. The townsfolk are convinced that it’s a crazed loner stalking and killing them for their skins, but there are a small contingency of people who say that it’s the work of ancient monsters that come about when the first snow falls. What Ellie uncovers is much darker than anyone could possibly imagine.
September 28, 2015 — 8:38 AM
susanthurston says:
In my opinion, just needs a good trim: Investigative journalist (is this her first real story?) Ellie uncovers a string of bizarre, grizzly murders in the sleepy border town of Princeton, Maine. Townsfolk believe a crazed loner is stalking and killing them for their skins. A few believe ancient (snow) monsters are again at work. What Ellie discovers is much darker.
September 28, 2015 — 9:12 AM
Tiggs says:
Nice pitch. I’m not sure what the current wisdom is regarding second names for characters in pitches, but I would be tempted to try adding it in the first sentence. I’d also be tempted to speed up the second sentence – maybe change “a small contingency of people who” for “some” or “a few” and throw a “mostly” in earlier, before “convinced”. Maybe lose the “about” in “come about when”.
September 28, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Tony Payson says:
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your advice, Tiggs. It is much appreciated. I considered using Ellie’s last name, but I’m not sure what the current wisdom on last names either. I was trying to keep it brief, so letting go of the last name was the first to go. It’s Géroux, by the way ;). I have a tendency to embellish, and I take any advice on brevity and streamlining my text quite seriously. Thank you again.
September 28, 2015 — 9:59 AM
Tony Payson says:
Also, I got hung up on the “small contingency” part as well. I first wrote “a minority of people”. Considering the context of what I’m writing about, it didn’t sit well with me. For some reason “small contingency” came to mind first, rather than “a few” or “some” which are much better choices, I think.
September 28, 2015 — 11:28 AM
Kristen says:
Just a quick note, should be “grisly” instead of “grizzly.” Unless the perps are bears… in which case, well-played. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:16 AM
Tony Payson says:
…now that you mention it…[takes syntax error and turns it to my advantage by finding a way to add it to my story] to the drafting board!
September 28, 2015 — 10:48 AM
jennimyburgh says:
Very good pitch. I’m so intrigued. But agreed with everyone on trimming it down. Personally, I love knowing the character’s full name before I read the book: it adds to the experience of choosing the book 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:25 AM
james orion says:
Before Meredith slipped from the Earth of her childhood, she had been a pretty normal girl living a pretty normal life. Two decades later and living in a broken, strange world, her past has finally caught up to her despite every attempt of leaving it behind. Now Meredith has a choice: keep running or confront the past she desperately has tried to forget.
September 28, 2015 — 8:50 AM
jjtoner says:
If I may try a short critique of this one, I feel it’s too vague. It would be stronger if you explained some or all of: ‘slipped from the earth…’, ‘a broken, strange world’, ‘her past’. JJ
September 28, 2015 — 9:25 AM
kirizar says:
There is an inherent conflict in how you are describing this. If she was a ‘normal girl’ with a ‘normal life’ before what past is there to catch up with her?
September 28, 2015 — 1:09 PM
Mozette says:
Jennifer Benson is in danger – well, her vessel is according to high-ranking Angel Hanniel, who has been watching over this Human for the last 6 months. Jennifer is an average Australian woman who lives in Brisbane City, living an average ordinary life until Hanniel comes along to tell her that there is something extra-ordinary about her… something that will change her life completely. And the only way to keep this precious Human from being possessed by the Knight of Hell – Drake – or any other Arch-Angels who want to have her dead – is to protect her in the only way possible:
Hanniel must ask her for her permission to possess Jennifer’s vessel.
Only then she will be able to figure out what makes this Human so interesting to her… why she is so attracted to her – and her alone – amongst this bustling planet filled with Father’s creations.
However, when she does take possession of Jennifer, a war between Heaven and Hell starts up.
It’s a bloody one.
Many get hurt.
A family is pulled apart… and made stronger for it.
And God’s Right Hand Man must make things right for all again now; just as he did in the beginning…
September 28, 2015 — 8:55 AM
Clementine Danger says:
This… is definitely more than one to three sentences.
Really interesting though! To condense it further, I think the most important bits are the danger to the protagonist, the fact that heavenly/demonic possession and vessels are a thing, and that there’s a war looming. The rest of it feels more like a plot outline than an elevator pitch.
Pigs in fanny packs, away!
September 28, 2015 — 9:04 AM
Mozette says:
Strangely enough, it’s an Angelic Romance I wrote late last year; and I’m hoping to get it looked at more next year… I wrote it on a whim and it really took a hold of me with the research. I had to make sure it didn’t sound like ‘Supernatural’ (even though I do namedrop the show in it just so people know that my characters watch the show)… and yes, I’m a big fan of the show too – which really does help.
And yes, indeed, pigs in fanny packs! 😀
September 28, 2015 — 9:34 AM
John Appel says:
How’s this for a more abbreviated version:
Jennifer Benson is an ordinary Australian woman, living her ordinary life in Brisbane – until she encounters the high-ranking angel Hanniel, who reveals she isn’t ordinary at all. But when Jennifer gives Hanniel permission to possess her as a vessel, a bloody war between Heaven and Hell is unleashed. Can God’s Right Hand Man make things right again, just as he did in the beginning?
September 28, 2015 — 12:26 PM
Mozette says:
Oooh… your version is close, but you’ve introduce Michael as a character who comes in at the very end to save the day;whereas in my book, he’s in it from the very beginning. So, yours is kind of right, and still a little wrong…
…that’s if I’ve read it the right way. 😛
September 28, 2015 — 9:18 PM
Andi says:
Recovering addict Madigan is fresh out of jail when his sober sponsor is murdered and Madigan named the prime suspect. To prove his innocence and stop the murderer, he must work with his ex-lover, Carter, the cop whose career Madigan destroyed with his drug use.
September 28, 2015 — 8:56 AM
jennimyburgh says:
Just a thought: flip the sentences. Perhaps: “Fresh out of jail, recovering addict Madigan is named the prime suspect when his sponsor is murdered…” 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:27 AM
Tiggs says:
I like the premise and it’s a crisp pitch. I’d possibly be tempted to name the drug in the last sentence – replacing “drug use” with “cocaine habit” (or whichever narcotic it is). You may find that it sounds stronger if the last word of that sentence is “destroyed” – “the cop whose career Madigan’s cocaine habit destroyed.”
September 28, 2015 — 11:49 AM
deb says:
A drug dealing ladies man and part-time assassin with psychic skills meets the woman he’ll mend most of his ways for. A new age con artist herself, she’s got her own brand of psychic ability, and a troubling history of being on hand for untimely deaths. When they meet, he’s on the lam from the life and she’s married to a gangster wannabe who’s blackmailing her to keep her in line. Cosmic lust comes before trust, but they must learn to work together if they hope to thwart her husband’s plans to sell her and her secrets to settle a deadly debt.
September 28, 2015 — 8:58 AM
Clementine Danger says:
I’m a real sucker for mismatched buddy cop stories, especially with a supernatural/urban fantasy flavor, so this should be right up my alley. But to be brutally honest, I personally wouldn’t read it, because in my experience “ladies man” is always code for “obnoxious sexist jerk.” It doesn’t help that his buddy cop is the woman destined to make him not be that. Not for me.
It’s also a little long. For this kind of story, I personally think you can’t go wrong with “he’s a […], she’s a […], together they must […].” Not in those specific words obviously (unless you’re going for straight pulp, in which case, sally forth) but something following that basic formula.
September 28, 2015 — 9:11 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
I kind of get the feeling he’s supposed to be an obnoxious jerk – if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t need to ‘mend his ways’. 😉
September 28, 2015 — 9:37 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Oh, totally! I understand that. Just saying it isn’t for me. I’m from that school of thought where it doesn’t really matter if a character is grating by accident or design. Graters gonna grate. But that’s personal preference and nothing more.
Actually, now that I think about it, whether I like the premise or not has no bearing at all on this pitching exercise, so now I don’t remember why I even brought it up. Never mind!
September 28, 2015 — 9:42 AM
Ed says:
The world is deeper than you know, but so much than you realise.
Reality is a simple concept, what you see is what is real.
Dreams likewise are simple, when you wake up you realise that it’s not real.
But what if you don’t know if you are awake or not, then what?
Dreams are the gateway to knowledge but are also a window into the soul. But no soul is pure and in that darkness there are secrets.
When a top scientist dies at a secure military base, Reginal Hejolm is called in to find the cause beyond its walls. With little to go on, he finds himself drawn into the murky world of hard science and theology. In the midst of the mysterious substance called Quicksilver, the theoretics of paradoxes and dreams and the unhinged mind of a killer, lurks an answer.
September 28, 2015 — 9:01 AM
james orion says:
I feel like the first few sentences would be perfect for the back of the book just above the description, but for the pitch, I think you nailed it with the last paragraph alone.
September 28, 2015 — 9:31 AM
Ed says:
Thank you James. This is pretty much what will go onto the back of the book. I’m still not completely happy with it, but i think its a solid start.
September 28, 2015 — 9:35 AM
Tiggs says:
I agree with James – you only need the last paragraph for the pitch. Other than maybe trimming “beyond its walls” from the first sentence, I’d leave the rest of it.
September 28, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Axl T says:
Really cool premise! Makes me think matrix, that has to be good.
I’d like to know which side of the science/theology divide Reginal is on. And that name is confusing. Is this set in Scandanavia?
September 28, 2015 — 10:48 AM
Ed says:
This is set in a pure fantasy world, on a un-named planet. It’s a simple world, one continent, one ocean, two rival nations. You are correct to think matrix, but whereas that was set in the future looking at the war between Humans and AI, this goes much further. Think of it this way; you are awake now reading this…but can you be really sure you are? What happens if we start to blur our lives between a dreaming and an waking state?
You do get some sort of gold star for picking up on the name being off, some of my beta readers haven’t caught on to that yet 🙂
September 29, 2015 — 3:09 AM
Katy says:
Minerva van Buren has been trained her whole life to hunt the supernatural. When she finds out that she is a witch, she thinks she is a monster. But with a war between the human and the supernatural on the horizon, she must learn to use her powers to save those she loves.
September 28, 2015 — 9:01 AM
james orion says:
Great character name! I want to know more about this coming war… so I’d say you did the job here. I’m curious though: if she is trained to hunt the supernatural, how does she not recognize she is supernatural herself? Interesting..
September 28, 2015 — 9:28 AM
melody says:
nice, concise and makes me want to see the rest of it 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 9:28 AM
Melissa A Graham says:
I like it, but something is bugging me about that second sentence. It’s lacking punch. Maybe something like “this makes things difficult when she finds out she is a witch, herself. Now she is one of the very monsters she has lived to destroy” Or something like that? My suggestions are far from perfect but maybe it will help you?
September 28, 2015 — 9:29 AM
Tony Payson says:
I like it. I like the context.
September 28, 2015 — 10:55 AM
kirizar says:
Suggest:
Minerva has trained her whole life to hunt monsters. So it comes as a complete shock to discover she’s one of them. War looms between humans and the supernatural–Minerva will have to decide whether it’s worth becoming a monster to save the ones she loves.
September 28, 2015 — 12:01 PM
Tiggs says:
As a thirteen-year-old witch running for her life, January Gray doesn’t own many niceties. Her jeans are filthy, her phone’s a battered Nokia, and her umbrella is sometimes a talking fox called George, who enjoys brandy, cigars, and cheating badly at Poker. Together, they need to work out who’s been murdering her family before she’s next.
September 28, 2015 — 9:07 AM
Augie says:
I really like this one. Quirky and the stakes are there.
September 28, 2015 — 9:11 AM
jjtoner says:
Nice one. I’d like to write that story. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Oooh, this is great!
I’d personally condense it even further. The quirky tone of the story and your own voice are so clear, you barely even need this much. I’d cut the rest of the sentence after “George,” because George’s personality isn’t really vital information, and I’d save his quirks and hobbies for the actual story.
Also, January Gray is an awesome name that I wish I’d come up with first.
Seriously, I love love LOVE this. Get writing so I can buy it!
September 28, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Tiggs says:
Thanks, Clementine.
I think you’re right about the cut – I couldn’t decide whether to keep it or not, so I thought I’d put it in and see if anyone said anything.
Many thanks 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 9:55 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Disclaimer: I’m not an agent or publisher. That said, as a reader, I would like to see a description of George’s personality because it creates an expectation for misadventures that have a potential to be very funny. I would think, or at least hope, an agent would see the same. Just my $0.015
September 28, 2015 — 10:18 AM
Tiggs says:
You realize that this is not helping my indecisiveness, right? :p
It definitely adds something. I’m torn, because it makes that second sentence pretty long and there’s the whole list within a list thing going on (Listception?)
I’ll check in a little later and see if there’s a consensus building, one way or another.
Anyway – many thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 11:04 AM
John Appel says:
I think the second sentence could be shortened a bit but still give a glimpse of George’s personality, which I think is an intriguing hook. Perhaps something like “… and her umbrella is sometimes a talking, poker-playing fox named George.” Flip the listicle at the end into adjectives before the subject, at any rate, and pick one of the three, and I think you’ve got it.
September 28, 2015 — 12:32 PM
Tiggs says:
This appears to be a wonderful compromise between the two positions.
I think your choice of “poker-playing” is the best of the three, for implying personality. Also – the change from “called” to “named” definitely works better, so I’m totally going to steal it.
Well done, John – thank you 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 7:17 PM
Tony Payson says:
A battered Nokia speaks volumes about the character. I’d like to hear more.
September 28, 2015 — 11:15 AM
Gruud says:
Would ‘battered flip phone’ take the image even further, and clue in folks with limited brand awareness?
September 28, 2015 — 11:29 AM
Charlotte Noyen says:
I think it might makes thing easier, since you can’t use brand names in for-profit, copyright works willy-nilly (hence why every movie and TV character does their web searches on Goggle or Bling or AskJames.) I personally like Nokia better. Using actual brand names leads to more authentic-sounding writing and dialog in my opinion, since people actually use those brand names in actual conversation, but I don’t think it’s a decision worth agonizing over. Either works.
September 28, 2015 — 12:03 PM
Tiggs says:
There are definitely some rules for using brand names in written works, but I believe the main thing to watch out for is defamation. For example – if I said that a named brand phone was terrible, or never worked properly, then I’d probably be in trouble.
I also think that using a brand name makes the writing more authentic sounding, so I’m going to go with Nokia, and let my editor* snip it later down the line, if they need to.
Thank you all for your feedback on the phone – I really appreciate your input 🙂
* I’m currently a little short on agents, book deals and editors – but that’s the dream, right?
September 28, 2015 — 7:05 PM
kirizar says:
Love the character’s name and quirky sidekick. Things get a little muddy with the list of descriptors but on the whole, it is an intriguing premise. Of note: it starts off sounding like a humorous ‘teenage heroine struggles with bizarre experiences’ so when you switch it to a more serious tone about the murder of her family, it is a sharp curve in a new direction. Not sure how you can balance this gap.
September 28, 2015 — 12:17 PM
Tiggs says:
I had hoped that the “running for her life” part of the first sentence would imply mortal peril, but I can also see how it can be read in a less perilous context. Entirely open to any suggestions for changing that phrase, accordingly.
I can also see that family murder is a sharp curve, given January’s age and the general quirkiness of the pitch. I can soften it a little by removing the implicit personal connection to January and broadening it to cover all witches.
Thank you for your feedback – I’ve been reading your comments on other people’s pitches and I think you have a real talent for helping to re-word them in a compelling fashion. I will definitely try to leave some feedback on your pitch, but I’m currently struggling to improve on it.
September 28, 2015 — 7:41 PM
kirizar says:
I think it helps when people leave a lot more detail–then you can pare down. I’ve left a lot to speculate about, so it is harder to build up.
September 29, 2015 — 9:46 AM
Tiggs says:
A revised version, with previous comments taken into consideration:
As a thirteen-year-old witch running for her life, January Gray doesn’t own many niceties. Her jeans are filthy, her phone’s a battered Nokia, and her umbrella is sometimes a talking, poker-playing fox named George. Together, they need to work out who’s trying to kill every single witch in the world, before she’s next.
September 28, 2015 — 7:44 PM
jjtoner says:
Carla Scott is a gifted android designer, exiled to the molten mines of Luciflex, a harsh penal colony halfway across the galaxy. Carla’s only hope of escaping Luciflex is with the help of an obnoxious pirate, the captain of a freighter, and a ruthless killer. But she must try, for she carries a secret that could neutralize two android armies, preparing for a war that will devastate the Earth.
September 28, 2015 — 9:15 AM
A. R. Stone says:
I’m very new to writing pitches, so ignore me if I’m off base, but to me, the writing could be a bit tighter and the last sentence seems a tad melodramatic and a little unclear. Maybe something like …
“Carla Scott is a gifted android designer with a secret and a problem. She needs to escape from a harsh penal colony light-years away from the Earth she hopes to save. Will the heinous pirate captain smuggle her away from the colony and bring her back in time to prevent the android wars, or, does he have other plans?”
September 28, 2015 — 10:10 AM
jjtoner says:
Thanks for commenting AR. I like your version. Only one problem: That’s a different book! btw, one of the characters in my story is called Alpha Romeo (AR for short). JJ
September 28, 2015 — 10:32 AM
A. R. Stone says:
AR .. nice name. 😉 As for the rest, doh! Clearly I misunderstood the pitch which means either I’m an idiot (very possible) or the pitch (the last sentence is the cause of my confusion) could use some refining. I’ll be interested to see other comments and wish you the best of luck in your attempt to be published.
September 28, 2015 — 10:46 AM
jjtoner says:
Thanks, AR. You are not an idiot. Not at all. I don’t need any luck. The book will be (self-)published if/when I finish it. 🙂 I have zero interest in traditional publishers (thanks to Amazon’s KDP)
September 28, 2015 — 10:51 AM
jjtoner says:
AR: I see you’re following an old blog of mine. Please try my website instead http://www.JJToner.net/ I must redirect from that old blog. Apologies.
September 28, 2015 — 11:19 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
You could probably cut the second Luciflex ref. I’d suggest changing “captain of a freighter” to the simpler “freighter captain.” Last sentence might need to be more clear with “android armies that are preparing.” Overall, good stuff.
September 28, 2015 — 10:18 AM
JJ Toner says:
Thanks, Tony B. I’ve made those changes.
September 29, 2015 — 6:19 AM
mariahavix says:
From reading this I assume this is a huge epic giant massive military space opera of a bajillion words. (Which isn’t bad at all if that is what it is, but if it is a short tight thriller about one woman it would be a little off.)
It sounds like a great late winter read to me.
September 28, 2015 — 10:29 AM
jjtoner says:
I don’t think so. I haven’t written it yet, but I’m aiming for 80,000 words – with several sequels. Space Opera – yes, giant, massive – no. Is it the distances involved that suggest a long book? Maybe I should put something in about the Inter-dimensional Conduits that allow quick travel across the galaxy?
September 28, 2015 — 10:38 AM
mariahavix says:
I’m not quite sure if it is the distances or the language. I think if you tightened up the language it might be less massive. I’m not exactly sure where, because it all seems important to me. I don’t know that adding something about the conduits would help. Maybe have a shorter sentence in there somewhere?
September 28, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Axl T says:
Android designer Carla Scott must escape from exile in the molten mines of Luciflex, a distant penal colony. Her only hope is a obnoxious, violent, pirate freighter captain but she must try, for she carries a secret that could neutralize two android armies preparing for a war that will devastate the Earth.
Sorry no time to elaborate on my edits! Cool idea!
September 28, 2015 — 4:12 PM
JJ Toner says:
Thanks, Axl T. I like this book better than the one I’m writing. 🙂 In mine, the freighter captain, obnoxious pirate and brutal killer are three different characters (like in Wizard of Oz, I suppose – now there’s a thought).
September 29, 2015 — 6:07 AM
Samantha Warren says:
What’s the first thing people do when a crisis hits? Figure out how to make money from it, of course. In this YA dystopian, twins Kinley and Kincaid find themselves involved with a zombie drug cartel bent on taking over what’s left of the world. This ain’t your mama’s apocalypse.
Zombie Juice, coming in January to an ebook store near you.
September 28, 2015 — 9:30 AM
jennimyburgh says:
Very cool! Great character names and the pitch is solid 🙂 I’d read it!
September 28, 2015 — 10:30 AM
Samantha Warren says:
Thanks, Jenni! 😀
September 28, 2015 — 9:05 PM
thelizwithzombies says:
On Earth, where other realms have been sealed away and magic is fading, a reluctant chosen one must battle vengeful fallen angels, power hungry demons, forgotten gods for a dogmatic Order, but discovers the system is broken—her powers included—and will result in a worlds-ending apocalypse if she fails to fix the system she doesn’t believe in.
***
I am still working on this pitch because pitches are hard and I have a lot of stuff going on. This pitch focuses on the primary plot–girl finds out she’s a chosen one, but the Order is broken and stuff is going to hell–but doesn’t have the primary internal conflict, and that bothers me. The main character can see the future, and struggles with feeling guilty for not preventing the things she sees. This is important because a) she’s never seen a future with herself as a chosen one, which is why she’s reluctant and b) I feel like it shows the reader why it’s so important for her as a person to fix something she doesn’t like.
But, every time I add that she’s “haunted by her past failures to stop her catastrophic visions from coming true” it just makes things way more confusing. So I’m still playing around with this.
And for reference, this is urban fantasy, so this is more like Buffy than Lord of the Rings.
September 28, 2015 — 9:33 AM
Ed says:
Hi, I like the premise and Buffy over LOTR is fine with me. I thought the below might flow fractional better, but if nothing else (as I don’t know the story) its another perspective.
On Earth, where other realms have been sealed away and the magic is fading, a reluctant girl is chosen. There is war in the cosmos between rival factions of fallen angels, power hungry demons and forgotten gods. As she wades into the fray, she discovers that the very system that governs these powers is broken. How does she fix a system she doesn’t believe in and save the world from the coming apocalypse?
September 28, 2015 — 9:49 AM
melody says:
Josephine Taber, a courageous, dimension shifting Inathu, long thought extinct, must protect herself from the dark Sar, Zacharias, who plots to enslave her as a breeding concubine. Hidden as a human at birth, she must first accept what she is and determine who is the real enemy.
September 28, 2015 — 9:38 AM
John Appel says:
I really like your concept, but I find myself stumbling over the construction here. Perhaps shifting the first part of the second sentence into the beginning somehow – something along the lines of “Hidden as a human at birth, Jospehine Taber discovers she is really…” would help with what’s making me stumble.
Also, are Inathu and Sar aliens? Demons? Something else? Are all Inathu courageous, or just Josephine? Can her courage be shown, rather than stated, in the pitch?
September 28, 2015 — 12:44 PM
melody says:
thanks John, will play with this tonight and repost. this really is a 500lb pig going in a fanny pack!
September 28, 2015 — 12:58 PM
kirizar says:
I agree with John, the terms ‘Inathu’ and ‘dark Sar’ cause the brain to stumble. This is hard to get around when you use world-specific terminology. Focusing on your characters emotions/motivations/challenges might help.
I think you might have to start out with the human part of the story and leave a lot of mystery to be resolved in the book. After all, it seems that is how the character starts out.
Josephine Taber lived her entire life believing she was human only to discover she is the last female of an inter-dimensional beings. Now she is on the run from the Dark Sar–who wants to breed her to ensure the continuation of her kind. Now she has a tough choice to make: to run toward an unknown future or become a mother to a species on the brink of extinction. It would be so much easier if only she knew who the real enemy was.
[Of course, maybe Zacharias isn’t the bad guy…so that totally throws off my blurb.]
September 28, 2015 — 3:00 PM
melody says:
awesome! Zach is the bad guy and you are right the story starts off with her human. will play with that too after I get home from work…they want me to work here darn them!
thanks again john and now Kirizar 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 3:50 PM
Melody Jewell says:
ok, this is a rewrite:
Raised as human, Josephine Taber discovers she is a dimension shifting angel, a race long thought to be extinct. Unfortunately, so does the evil Sar Zacharias, who plots to enslave her as a breeding concubine and sire a son of incredible power.
September 28, 2015 — 5:47 PM
kirizar says:
It is much clearer in this one that Sar Zacharias is the villain. If you wanted to leave it vague on that point, you could. But I would say, the goal of ‘siring a son of incredible power’ does suggest there is villainy afoot. By the way, if there is a hero to save the day, you might want to mention him in the blurb, but maybe she’s a heroine who saves herself.
September 29, 2015 — 1:09 PM
Melody Jewell says:
there is definitely a hero who deserves space in the blurb…i am working on it lol!
September 29, 2015 — 7:45 PM
Melissa A Graham says:
They say the second stage of grief is anger. That’s especially true when you find out the reason you were treated like an outcast your entire life was because you were only human; and your entire family were werewolves. When Harley Rayne is bitten by her psychotic ex-boyfriend, and brought into the very world she was never supposed to belong to, she has no choice but to make amends with the family that wanted little to do with her or let rage consume her, along with the beast getting ready to make its first debut.
September 28, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Beth says:
Ooooohh. I would very, very much read this book. Well done.
I’d actually axe the last clause of the last sentence – that this is the beginning of the werewolf journey for her is implied earlier, so it’s redundant, and let “or let rage consume her” stand alone for the impact. Also, “entire” is in there twice (caught because that’s a thing I would totally do!).
September 28, 2015 — 10:20 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
Oh my thank you! I didn’t see that! And you’re right… it does make it redundant. I think the second sentence needs tweaking too but I cannot, for the life of me, figure it out. Thank you for your thoughts!
September 28, 2015 — 11:34 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
alright… fixed and tweaked a little more. Let’s see how it feels, now.
They say anger is the second stage of grief. That’s especially true when you learn you were treated like an outcast your entire life simply because you were only human while the rest of your family were werewolves. When Harley Rayne is bitten by her psychotic ex-boyfriend, and brought into the very world she was never supposed to belong to, she has no choice but to make amends with the hurt and betrayal caused by the family that never let her close to them. Her human life is dead now. She must accept this new world, and everything that comes with it, or let the rage consume her.
September 28, 2015 — 1:18 PM
A. R. Stone says:
Moss, as he is known on the streets, wants to be left alone. People he knows believe Moss has the skills to complete the team they have assembled to fight city hall and bring equality to their futuristic, dystopian city. Does Moss join the team, oppose them or do something unexpected?
September 28, 2015 — 9:44 AM
jennimyburgh says:
I like this but for the last line, I’d go with “Moss must choose: join the team or follow his heart.” Or “Moss must choose: join the team or seek justice.” Just a thought 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 10:33 AM
mariahavix says:
This is a little strange but interesting for me.
I think “as he is known on the streets” isn’t needed. “People he knows” could just be people.
Is the team a political team? A violent team? A group of yarn bombers going around knitting political slogans on trees?
The last line is a little odd, if he doesn’t want to participate wouldn’t his options be join or continue to hide out alone and hope it doesn’t impact him? What unexpected thing might he do? What skills does he have? Is this a world with magic or super heroes or technology or zombies?
I feel like I don’t quite know enough to know if I’d like it yet.
September 28, 2015 — 11:05 AM
JJ Toner says:
I agree with maria. It needs fleshing out more, especially in relation to the world he lives in. The reference to the futuristic, dystopian city is all we have to go on. Also, futuristic doesn’t sound right, here. Is it a city of the future or one that looks like a city of the future? (And see my comment attached to yours about my blurb.)
September 28, 2015 — 11:28 AM
Jeddy says:
Chelandria, the Avatar of Sacrifice, protector of Pangopeia for eight centuries, has fallen to madness and taken over the minds and bodies of an entire kingdom. Her son, Trebortsan, must rally the bickering, balkanized kingdoms of the First Folk to either unite against her, or fall one by one. Along the way he will enlist several people, some eagerly, some grudgingly, covering a broad swathe of life in Pangopeia: different careers, faiths, races, genders, ages, and sexualities. But even if they manage to build a coalition, can they muster enough force to stop the single strongest mortal magic user in their world?
September 28, 2015 — 9:48 AM
SamKD says:
This story could fly to great places but it feels like the pitch is holding it down.
I’d trim the weight and activate the verbs:
Chelandria protected Pangopeia for eight centuries until she went mad and possessed every mind and body in the kingdom. Now her son Trebortsan must enlist [wildly different individuals][help of all kinds][an unlikely group][you get the idea] to unite the bickering First Folk kingdoms in a fight against her. Can a hasty coalition stop the strongest magic user in the world?
If there weren’t a three-sentence maximum I might break the first one into two and move the “now” up: For eight centuries Chelandria protected Pangopeia as the Avatar of Sacrifice. Now she’s gone mad and possessed every mind and body in the kingdom. Her son….
I personally like “balkanized” and love the diversity but your story will show all that so no need to tell it in the pitch.
September 28, 2015 — 3:05 PM
Jeddy says:
Thanks for your feedback.
I’ve been overthinking queries for too many months. I didn’t set out to write a book with a diverse cast like I did, but once it was done I realized I had, and that it was in fact one of the best aspects of the work. We’ve seen so many fantasy tales from the POV of the knight or the eventual king, I think it’s more interesting to hear what the refugee or the trade baroness think about what’s going on. Unfortunately (and obviously from the pitch) I don’t feel I’ve found a sweet spot in phrasing that yet without making it seem tacked on or manipulatively intentional.
September 28, 2015 — 4:44 PM
Louise says:
He brought her out of stasis and asked her to kill the Earth. Eventually, she said yes.
September 28, 2015 — 9:52 AM
John Appel says:
Perhaps a bit too brief?
September 28, 2015 — 12:46 PM
Louise says:
You’re right. How about:
Four years in stasis leaves a person wounded, even if they don’t know it. When Jess is freed, she comes back to a world that isn’t her own. The aliens, formerly protectors of Earth, have turned traitor and wiped out most of the population. Jess must deal with her nightmares to save the Earth.
September 28, 2015 — 2:09 PM
Fred G. Yost says:
I do like the concept. The first attempt seems like the tag line on a poster. Intriguing, but not enough info for a pitch.
I’m not great at critiquing, but something about the tone felt a tiny bit off to me. Here’s my completely unsolicited and unskilled attempt to punch it up since I apparently can’t put what I’m feeling into the right words.
“Four years in stasis leave a person more wounded than they could ever know. Jess wakes up to a world not her own, to alien protectors turned traitors to the human race. In order to save the last remnants of her people, Jess must deal with her nightmares and forgive those that locked her away.”
September 28, 2015 — 10:54 PM
Beth says:
A thousand light-years from home, beyond the edge of mapped space, surveyor Nhoresh Goban crashes into the side of a mountain in remote western Colorado. He walks away from the wreckage and into a pristine cliff-rimmed valley, where he builds a beloved homestead on the edge of wilderness, and a new life among aliens. Trying to forget, and hoping to be forgotten.
September 28, 2015 — 9:54 AM
Gruud says:
This one sounds great, but I wonder if you might try some things. In the first sentence, try switching the first phrase with the second, it might bring a bit more oomph. And I’m curious, how does he (or the reader) know he’s in ‘Colorado’? Maybe pull that ‘in remote …’ phrase out of the second sentence and tack it onto the end of the third: ‘among the alien inhabitants of the land they call Colorado’ or something like that. A bit clumsy as I’ve stated it, but once you’ve improved it, it puts the protag (and the reader) back into discovery mode. Just my two pence.
September 28, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Beth says:
The main story action takes place some decades after our adventurer is well-established, so, yeah, he and the reader know where he is. 😀 This is actually the first paragraph of my 250-word query letter pitch; the remainder outlines the badness that occurs when, well, obviously, the nice out-of-the-way setup he’s got out there can’t last forever.
September 28, 2015 — 10:42 AM
Gruud says:
Yes, I understand, but the agent reading your query may not …
The fact that the protag is the actual alien, and has landed in our Colorado, is a great double reveal. So it might serve you better if you can hold it until the second paragraph, where youexplain the complications.
That way, the first para gets to be all about him.
Beyond the edge of mapped space and a thousand light-years from home, surveyor Nhoresh Goban crashes into the side of a mountain. He walks away from the wreckage and into a pristine cliff-rimmed valley, where he builds a beloved homestead on the edge of a wilderness, trying to forget, and hoping to be forgotten.
September 28, 2015 — 11:23 AM
Beth says:
*head tilt* That changes the whole tone of the query in a very good way – more dramatic and punchy – but also just a teensy bit clever and gotcha. I’m going to save it both ways and sit on it for a couple of days, and re-read. Thank you so much!
Queries are so much harder than the actual writing.
September 28, 2015 — 11:45 AM
Beth says:
I slept on it, and I’m sold on it.
It’s more complicated than that – the alien is not the protag, but rather the plot catalyst and Supporting Leader. Protag is introduced in the second paragraph, and this edit takes the structure from:
P1 – set scene P2 – introduce protag P3 – establish complications P4 – stakes & resolution to
P1 – introduce storyline #1 P2 – introduce protag & storyline #2 P3 – converge storylines, establish complications, set stakes P4 – resolution.
It breaks even MORE rules about “how queries should be done” than the original structure, but it’s more dynamic and interesting, and the only rule that matters is “keep ’em reading,” right?
September 29, 2015 — 11:53 AM
Kay Orchison says:
I would read that. I would read the hell out of it.
September 28, 2015 — 10:26 AM
Axl T says:
Very cool premise! Instead of Trying to forget, and hoping to be forgotten. I’d go “He’s trying to forget. He’s hoping to be forgotten.” More dramatic, maybe?
September 28, 2015 — 10:53 AM
Beth says:
Oh, nice! Takes it over the 3-sentence limit for the purposes of this post, but that edit is definitely going in the actual query letter. Thank you!
September 28, 2015 — 11:01 AM
Gruud says:
I reckon this would be considered a log line …?
Gruud’s lived his whole life bound by two lies: the one he’s long told his brother monks, and the other he still tells himself. His soul joined to those of his shipmates, the only way to hide the truth of the first is to hide from the second as well.
September 28, 2015 — 9:55 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
First line really works. Gets muddled from there. Jumping from monks to shipmates is a little confusing. The weak wording of the line about hiding one from the other dilutes the power of the first line. I would be looking for a quick way to explain the shipmates reference, and for a punchier description of what he has to do to protect his secret.
September 28, 2015 — 10:05 AM
melody says:
the first sentence is wonderful. I want to know about the lies. the second sentence confuses me a little. soul joined with shipmates? the first truth or lie? this sounds very intriguing and possibly complicated. maybe the second line should sell the sizzle rather than the steak…
September 28, 2015 — 10:20 AM
Beth says:
I assumed the “brother monks” and the “shipmates” are the same group of people, in which case it makes perfect sense; but without that assumption, not so much. This is really elegant and tightly worded; there’s a little wiggle room to clarify that perhaps?
Fun that we posted at almost the same time, and both stories are about the consequences of secretkeeping. 😀
September 28, 2015 — 10:47 AM
Gruud says:
Yes, ‘bother monks’ and ‘shipmates’ are the same folks, but confusion is very not good. 🙂
Must be my phrasing. Maybe ‘Joined as his soul is to his shipmates’, …’’ or something.
They’re in a shared, psychic headspace most of the time, so he really can’t be thinking about either of the lies.
Yes, I thought it fun too.
September 28, 2015 — 11:25 AM
Gruud says:
Bah, or get rid of the double duty of ‘shipmates’ and just use ‘their’?
query word economy is so tough sometimes …
September 28, 2015 — 11:33 AM
Beth says:
But then you lose the key piece of information that “shipmates” delivers. Hm. Thinking on it.
The more details come out in the conversation, the more fantastic this sounds. So much story depth and complexity to fit in such a small summary!
September 28, 2015 — 1:01 PM
kirizar says:
Isn’t ‘Grood’ a character from the Guardians of the Galaxy? You might step on some toes with that one, even if you spell it differently.
September 28, 2015 — 12:04 PM
Gruud says:
The char in GotG is named ‘Groot’, but I was there first! But yes, i worry about that sometimes. The name also has a minor linkage to a very old school supernatural entity …
There’s also everyone’s favorite animated spy (w/ minions) to consider, but for now I’m sticking to my guns. I was there first too.
September 28, 2015 — 12:20 PM
kirizar says:
There’s first and then there’s potential lawsuit/copyright infringement. ‘S all I’m saying. 😉
September 28, 2015 — 3:02 PM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
That would hook me as a reader, but I think it might work better if it was split into two sentences. Maybe after the dogmatic Order? “But the system is broken…” That might let you fit in a variation of the ‘haunted’ line.
September 28, 2015 — 9:55 AM
R. M. Mendivil says:
A teenage king known for his benevolence and celibacy secretly kidnaps young servants and keeps them prisoners for his sexual pleasure. His siblings are mildly concerned.
September 28, 2015 — 9:56 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Love your inclusion of the word ‘mildly’ there – definitely lets us know that this isn’t the nicest of royal families.
September 28, 2015 — 10:21 AM
kirizar says:
Okay, I’m sorry, but this one is just unappealing as a subject for me. That said, I’d start with the line:
The King has a secret. No one is that kind, that benevolent, and able to maintain a strict vow of purity…but especially not a teenager with the power to sway a kingdom. His façade is starting to crack and his subjects have reason to fear.
(Of note: since he is a teenager–won’t all of his siblings be younger? Unless it is a patriarchal society and he has older sisters. If the main characters are all young people, but it isn’t intended for a Young Adult audience, you may have some trouble finding the right way to describe this to appeal to a broader audience.)
September 28, 2015 — 12:13 PM
melody says:
Kirizar-i love your revision about the king -I want you to write my pitch! (I suspect this post is going to the wrong comment btw)
September 28, 2015 — 12:55 PM
kirizar says:
I think I answered yours…or at least, I found A Melody to answer.
September 28, 2015 — 3:00 PM
kirizar says:
I’m having difficulty finding you. Mea culpa.
September 28, 2015 — 3:01 PM
R. M. Mendivil says:
It’s okay, I expect a lot of people won’t like it as a subject ^-^ I love how you remade the pitch! It’s definitely more appealing. Mine is simple and straightforward because I’m like that as a person XD I did want to include the siblings, because as you might guess, the King is the antagonist. One of his siblings is the main character.
And the whole siblings thing – long story short, they’re the children of the previous King and some random servant. They’re illegitimate in a society that heavily stigmatizes that, which is why they didn’t get the throne.
Also, I used ‘teenagers’ broadly, since the King is 19 and one of the youngest characters. Most of the characters are in their mid to late twenties, so it’s not really a YA (I’d be in trouble if it was O.o).
September 28, 2015 — 1:07 PM
kirizar says:
Then I think you should drop the fact that the King is a teenager. It confuses the subject matter a little bit. Maybe throw in the fact that he is facing a throng of illegitimate siblings looking for an excuse to pull him from his throne. Lastly, why are you writing it from the point of view of the protagonist? Or is this only as the ‘blurb’ or ‘elevator speech’?
September 28, 2015 — 2:11 PM
R. M. Mendivil says:
Yeah, this is just the ‘elevator pitch’ 🙂 And the siblings aren’t like that. I would’ve elaborated, but it could turn out too long for an elevator pitch. (And yeah, I should drop the ‘teenager’ ^^)
September 28, 2015 — 4:33 PM
Katie Wertz says:
There is a story about an otherworldly woman who sheds her skin and marries a human man in cultures all over the world. As there is stories about flesh-eating, blood-drinking monsters of the undead. What these two have in common the otherworldly woman’s modern-day descendants will strive to keep secret at any cost.
September 28, 2015 — 9:57 AM
kirizar says:
This one is a bit remote–try for more specific terminology:
Every culture has its otherworldly women out to destroy mankind: the succubus, the banshee, the sirens singing sailors to their doom. Throw in a handful of flesh-eating, blood sucking monsters of the undead and a world filled with technology that has forgotten it’s supernatural heritage and what do you have? Modern-day women who will do anything to hide their secrets from an unsuspecting world.
September 28, 2015 — 12:25 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Tracker Alex Kavanaugh makes a living killing predators – both human and monster – inside the quarantine zone known as The Split. When he discovers a mass grave filled with victims he could have saved, he sets out to exact vengeance with the help of his friends and a beautiful, mysterious new ally. He learns that man may be the worst monster of all.
September 28, 2015 — 9:59 AM
kirizar says:
You may have too many details in this one. I like the first sentence–but I’d cut it shorter:
As a Tracker, Alex Kavanaugh makes a living killing predators. In the quarantine zone it can be hard to tell the humans from the monsters. A mass grave spurs Kavanaugh to play hero for the dead. Can his friends help him find justice and can he trust the mysterious, beautiful ally who joins them?
September 28, 2015 — 12:35 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Thanks, that helps. I like, “In the quarantine zone, it can be hard to tell the humans from the monsters.” Totally stealing that. 🙂
September 28, 2015 — 12:55 PM
Axl T says:
This sounds like a really cool idea. The middle sentence is clunky to me. Perhaps there’s a more specific reference to the “victims he could have saved” and one that might explain why he seeks vengeance rather than justice. I think the reference to friends is unnecessary.
I think kirizar’s edit nails it, except I wouldn’t say ‘play’ hero.
September 28, 2015 — 3:55 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Thanks, Axl. I like kirizar’s edit, too. I’ll kick around a more specific way to describe the people in the mass grave. The gist of it is he was hired to find a missing woman, but didn’t take the job seriously. If he had, he would have discovered her and the rest of them before they were killed. Vengeance over justice for two reasons: One, that’s just his nature; he’s an angry, vengeful man. The guilt he feels over letting those people die gets directed outward. Two, the government in the quarantine zone is still trying to get organized. There is no working criminal justice system yet.
September 28, 2015 — 4:21 PM
Axl T says:
Ah cool, a redemption story too!
September 28, 2015 — 5:49 PM
Pete Ford says:
In a steam-powered society, a group of people–an illusionist, an assassin, a thief, and a woman accused of murder–are in a race to find a notebook that belonged to a famous stage magician. The first to find it will have their dreams fulfilled. Meanwhile, in another reality, Dr. Vicky Preston is fighting to make sure those people are able to reach their destinies, against a foe who wants to control it all for his own gain.
September 28, 2015 — 10:01 AM
John Appel says:
I might trim “a group of people” from the first sentence. Otherwise, this is pretty tight and really intriguing!
September 28, 2015 — 12:49 PM
Pete Ford says:
Small change, big difference. Thanks!
September 28, 2015 — 1:12 PM
kirizar says:
Rework it to have a little more edge and clear up the ‘two worlds’ confusion:
It’s a steam-powered murder mystery with an alternate universe cross-over.
It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke: an illusionist, an assassin, a thief, and a murder suspect are on the trail of a magical notebook…but it’s much too serious. Who will find Houdini’s Notebook first? And how does Dr. Vicky Preston plan to bridge her reality and the mirror world to make sure the motley crew comes together in time to fulfill the famous stage magician’s predictions? It’s a steam-punk race to the finish and the ‘man behind the curtain’ (or some other way to say villain/foe) is determined to control the notebook for his own ends.
September 28, 2015 — 12:49 PM
Pete Ford says:
Yeah, that two-world thing is central to the story but hard to summarise in a way that isn’t confusing. And I see what you mean about it sounding too serious. I think, though, that thanks to your comment I can rework this from a different angle that gets it across in a cleaner way without losing the point. I’ll post the result here (it might be a little while, though–I’m on the clock with the day-job).
September 28, 2015 — 1:17 PM
Pete Ford says:
Second attempt:
In a steam-driven realm, Gracie Parker, accused of murder, is trying to clear her name. Patrick Barr, stage magician, will go to any lengths to be the best of his kind. Len Grade wants to find his missing family. Hallam McCreedy, assassin, is waiting for the chance to dispose of the underworld boss who governs him. They’re all after the lost journal of a deceased illusionist, which is the key to all their desires. And behind the scenes, Dr. Vicky Preston fights a desperate battle to prevent this world falling into the hands of a man who wants to control it all.
September 28, 2015 — 3:18 PM
kirizar says:
Much clearer. You do have a large cast of characters but at least now, their motivations aren’t all mixed together.
September 29, 2015 — 10:10 AM
Axl T says:
War. Religion. Asteroids. Viruses. Science. Secrets. The world that has never faced more threats. Follow Rai, a miniature robot as he parkours his way through a near-future, finds adventure, learns what it means to be human and saves the world. But he can’t do it alone. He needs his family.
September 28, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
That. Is. Awesome. Possibly lose one of the examples from the set-up, but I’m not sure. Like this one a lot.
September 28, 2015 — 10:10 AM
Axl T says:
Thanks! I think you’re right, I need to chop it down bit.
September 28, 2015 — 3:30 PM
JJ Toner says:
Are you suggesting all those are threats to the world? War, asteroids, viruses, secrets, maybe, but religion? and science? ‘The world [that] has never faced more threats’ looks like a typo. What does parkour mean? Not a word I’ve ever seen before. Also, the last 2 sentences do not compute. You’d need to separate save the world from the other activities to make it clear what it is he can’t do alone. What’s he saving the world from? And the last sentence makes no sense without some sort of explanation. Is this a children’s book, maybe?
September 28, 2015 — 11:50 AM
Axl T says:
Yes, the issues are ripped from the headlines type stuff, an ISIS-type group (religion) and science gone awry. Last sentence is supposed to make you go hmmm… robot? family? so mission accomplished there. Thanks for responding!
September 28, 2015 — 3:35 PM
kirizar says:
It is a catchy idea. Keep in mind, not everyone knows what ‘parkouring’ is. I’d drop off the last two sentences. It is pretty strong without adding them.
September 28, 2015 — 12:52 PM
Axl T says:
Parkour is definitely an audience limiting word, but maybe also defining. Have to think on that. Thanks so much for responding!
September 28, 2015 — 3:36 PM
Tony B (@imagineaberrant) says:
Maybe sub ‘free-running’ for parkour. The only problem with that is you have two hyphenated words in a row.
September 28, 2015 — 4:58 PM
Jams Fernglerberg says:
Awkward coming of age story, set within a world within a soul stealing wizard.
September 28, 2015 — 10:05 AM
kirizar says:
Needs detail/specificity and a hero to root for. For example–using a female protagonist:
It can be hard coming of age. For (insert character’s name) it’s more than just awkward exchanges with the opposite sex and battling acne. No, as a result of (blank), now she has to battle soul-stealing wizards before she can worry about finding a date to the prom. Or…Worse yet–now she has to worry her date for the prom might be hoping to steal more than just a kiss in the dark.
September 28, 2015 — 12:58 PM
petealexharris says:
An ex-terrorist, his psychopathy repaired by a brain implant, is now a monk. He wants to start a peaceful new life on a colony world, but gets entangled in the inept dissident movement there, and the colony government remove his implant, not understanding what it is. During his bloody and violent escape, he discovers someone must have had a plan to temporarily disable the implant for their own unknown reasons–but he has his own plan now.
September 28, 2015 — 10:09 AM
kirizar says:
I think you are trying to fit a book into your elevator speech. Trim some of this and leave a bit of mystery:
What’s a poor monk to do when his peaceful new life on a colony world is disrupted by inept dissidents and a bloody coup? How can he cope when the implants which wiped out his past as a terrorist and a psychopath are destroyed by a government hoping to turn a pacifist into a weapon of mass destruction? (Character’s name) is about to find out that the hardest fight a man can face is trying to determine his own fate–and who he really wants to be when the lease that binds him is broken.
September 28, 2015 — 1:08 PM
petealexharris says:
Thanks for that. Let’s just say that’s a rather more light-hearted tone than the book will have 🙂
The theme I’m going for is plans gone wrong and unintended consequences. Chaos rather than fate. I don’t know how much of the theme is supposed to come through in the pitch. I’ll give it some more thought.
September 29, 2015 — 11:57 AM
Wilmar Luna (@WilmarLuna) says:
Cindy Ames never believed in superheroes. Then one day . . . she wakes up as one. Enveloped from head to toe in a liquid metal nanosuit, this strange technology turns an everyday woman into an unstoppable force.
September 28, 2015 — 10:12 AM
mariahavix says:
Sort of weird to wake up in a nanosuit. I want to know more.
Maybe “Until the day she wakes up as one.” or “as a superhero”.
Is she the only superhero in her world? Does she not believe in them or think they are only in comics and movies?
September 28, 2015 — 10:25 AM
Wilmar Luna (@WilmarLuna) says:
Ah, well this was originally written with 3 paragraphs but Chuck said to do 3 sentences and it seems that there’s not enough information. This is the full blurb:
Cindy Ames never believed in superheroes. Then one day . . . she wakes up as one. Enveloped from head to toe in a liquid metal nanosuit, this strange technology turns an everyday woman into an unstoppable force.
Motivated by a haunted past and the mystery of her transformation, Cindy embraces her newly discovered powers and becomes a vigilante crime fighter. As The Silver Ninja, Cindy is finally able to do what she could never do as an ordinary cop. Save the city.
But when a series of suspicious high-profile murders plague Manhattan, all witnesses point to her. Is Cindy truly the superheroine she believes herself to be? Her quest to unearth what she’s become may reveal more than she bargained for.
Perception can be changed. Reality cannot.
(She is the only superhero . . . or so she thinks.)
September 28, 2015 — 10:43 AM
badger says:
WIP: Raven’s Flight — Paranormal/Fantastic Romance (Be gentle)
“You should never have been born!”
Those are the words his father’s widow screamed at Dafydd when she banished him and his mother from their village, yet the circumstances of his birth gave him a special gift, one that he has been using in defense of Crown and Country for centuries. Now in private life, someone, someone he trusts, is stealing from him to provide funds for a Vampyric terrorist group, determined to set the world back a thousand years. In the process, they’ve dragged his human secretary and accountant into danger. He’s sworn to never use his gift again, but can he save the woman he’s come to love without it?
September 28, 2015 — 10:13 AM
badger says:
And I screwed up. Sorry Chuck, delete it if you want.
September 28, 2015 — 10:19 AM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
So I only have a moment here because I am about to teach a session at Chanticleer Authors Conference, but I have a basic over all comment quickly.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to scrap this and start from scratch. Not that it is bad, but because you are trying to tell the story instead of communicate the emotion of your story. Think about the spirit of your book, the emotions you want them to feel.
Imagine you have spent 2 hours at a party and everyone has asked you what your book is about and you are getting tired of giving the full version. What would you say then to still communicate the excitement of your story.
That’s how I came up with mine lol
September 28, 2015 — 5:02 PM
Fred G. Yost says:
That’s a brilliant way of thinking about it. I wish I had read this before posting my own…
September 28, 2015 — 10:56 PM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
OK now that my long day is over I took a more careful look at your contribution and I think the strongest bit you have is “someone he trusts, is stealing from him to provide funds for a Vampyric terrorist group, determined to set the world back a thousand years.” This really grabs my attention. Whittle it down to this and the bits about how he has sworn to never use his powers again but has to if he will save the woman he loves…and then you will have something pretty powerful.
It’s tempting to think that “you should never have been born!” if a powerful and emotional way to open. However, its almost too powerful. It hits us hard with the drama of the characters life without giving us a chance to get to know or care about the character first. And this deflates the impact, at least to me.
Of course I could be wrong. I am no expert in all of this. That is just how it seems to me.
I know, I know, you asked everyone to be gentle and here I have ripped the guts out of your attempt. So sorry if I was abrupt earlier. I do think there is a fascinating story in there under all that extra story telling. You just need to shed some extra skin to get to the simple essence of it.
Thank-you for sharing!
September 29, 2015 — 2:00 AM
badger says:
And I tried to reply to both of your kind comments via phone but they didn’t go through, I don’t know why.
First, thank you very much for your time and effort. The “Be gentle” was kind of a joke, a little wordplay on the fact that I write paranormal/fantastic romance more than anything else. I would like for you to know that you were not abrupt or anything at all, you have been nothing but kindly critical in my opinion, and that’s the exact line I listen to best.
Second, I do understand what you mean. I was thinking of the “Never should have been born” as something that might grab attention more than most, but yeah, dropping that much drama at the beginning is a little too much, but Dafydd’s power does stem from his strange lineage — in a world where there are vampyrs, he’s strange, that should give you an idea of how weird I write, haha — but I can probably come at that from a different angle.
Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you have a wonderful day.
September 29, 2015 — 4:25 AM
Amanda June Hagarty says:
Great. So glad you found my words helpful. I tend to be blunt and cut the fluff when I am giving feedback and I try to remember that some people are more sensitive than others. LOL.
I think you were actually on the right track with your opening line, but it needs something else. Like you almost had what you were intending, but missed the mark by the tiniest fraction. It’s possible you just need to add one or two key words that give us something specific and unique to the character. Because “you should never have been born” has been used before–enough to be cliché. So if you said something more like “Your kind should not exist.” It might do what you need it to do.
September 30, 2015 — 3:34 PM
badger says:
I’m glad you found my line helpful, too. 🙂
Thanks for coming back to comment again.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around what you said about how to make it better along with how to condense it to fit the parameters, too. Even a back of book blurb is usually a little more than three sentences. *shrug*
This is much harder than one would think. 🙂
But thank you so much!
September 30, 2015 — 5:03 PM
Anthony Roberson says:
A hard-boiled detective story set in a fantasy world. A half elf half human private investigator struggles with his own personal demons (literally) while trying to rescue a rich merchant’s daughter before she is sacrificed by an evil cult.
September 28, 2015 — 10:13 AM
Kay Orchison says:
The found memoir of a punk Watson recounts a young polymath Holmes applying Bayesian reasoning to an increasingly horrific barrage of forteana. A powerful, rational intellect applies meticulous logic to arrive at an unthinkably irrational conclusion: Lovecraft was right, we are but ants to Things reaching through spacetime wormholes. Now both author and subject are missing…
September 28, 2015 — 10:14 AM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
I love the premise of this so much, and being a sucker for anything Holmesian or Lovecraftian–well, that’s even better. It feels like the vocabulary rather drags it down, though, and “A powerful…” through “conclusion” seems to be redundant to the first sentence stating Holmes’ reasoning activities. I rather wish the conflict came in earlier–maybe that’s a personal quibble? I’m not sure.
I’m no good at helping with these. *sobs*
September 30, 2015 — 8:25 AM