Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
Dr. Nate Harada says:
I’ve got a couple WiPs right now…
WiP #1: Even in the world between the worlds, the air smelt of smoke.
WiP #2: My grandmother once told me that the first and deepest emotion of all men is fear.
WiP #3: The sixth snow of the season was well underway as the mid-afternoon Kanshi’hak’ing omnibus rolled into the stop on the lower brow of the hill, falling across the heights in wind-driven curtains, exciting grumbles from the vast bulk of the disembarking passengers who had hoped it might hold off long enough for them to get home from their work or their shopping and curses from the driver, who detested with extreme virulence taking the longer but gentler decline off the hills and who now had no choice but to do so.
September 14, 2015 — 10:06 PM
Sarah Dimento says:
Love the second one. Would drop the “that” to make it pack more punch.
September 16, 2015 — 1:21 AM
Miri says:
I really, really like the first one. I know what genre I’m in, I have something visceral to grab onto.
The third one is…I think the right word here is “exhausting.” Highly recommend breaking it up.
September 16, 2015 — 9:45 AM
Ananda Santos says:
The first one is very nice. Makes me think of SF.
September 17, 2015 — 8:27 PM
kirizar says:
Since I commented on a few entries, I figure it’s only fair to offer myself up for skewering. This is no where near as exciting as everyone else’s–which is probably a problem in and of itself:
“Here you go…every bride has to carry flowers, right?”
September 14, 2015 — 10:34 PM
sheltonkeysdunning says:
Don’t defeat yourself. It’s a pretty telling opening line. There’s action already and a bit of foreshadowing. We know there’s a bride and there’s flowers, but it sounds like the bride may not actually want to be a bride.
So repeat after me. “I win, because I’m not going to compare myself to others. It’s my story to tell.”
Seriously, it’s a solid line.
September 14, 2015 — 10:56 PM
Ady says:
I reckon your comment “I win, because I’m not going to compare myself to others. It’s my story to tell.” would make a good opening line. It just needs a story…
September 16, 2015 — 6:26 PM
kirizar says:
What Ady said. 😉
September 17, 2015 — 5:35 PM
kirizar says:
Thank you. Comparing is my besetting sin. I was looking at all the other opening lines in envy. But, it’s just the first draft. I nearly always kill the first draft deader than a dodo.
September 17, 2015 — 5:34 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
It’s kind of sentimental in a good way.. I love it. It is simple yet some kind of sad for me.
September 15, 2015 — 6:43 AM
writing, writing, words words words. says:
I agree with both commenters. It does what it’s supposed to do: make me want to know more. Now I really want to know what happens. What happens?? 😉
September 15, 2015 — 9:15 PM
kirizar says:
Which is an odd way to start a space opera about man-eating plants, really.
September 17, 2015 — 5:37 PM
kirizar says:
Interesting that you picked up sad. But I am glad it evoked any emotion besides boredom. (If ennui is an emotion. I can never keep that stuff straight.)
September 17, 2015 — 5:41 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I’d like to see this bit of dialogue grounded with a gesture or a facial expression — either on the part of the bride or the person handing her the flowers. But maybe that’s given in sentence #2?
September 21, 2015 — 3:16 PM
kirizar says:
I have yet to take a course on ‘first sentences’ so I just started where my brain said ‘Go’. If it is a hard and fast rule that first sentences must kick ass, I am doomed. Doomed I tell you. I’m all about the long haul and getting there in the end. Thanks for the suggestion.
September 23, 2015 — 11:07 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
You are certainly not doomed! Always go where your brain says “go.” That’s what editing is all about. As Raymond Chandler famously said, “Throw up into your typewriter every morning. Clean up every noon.” I am trying to live by that. 😀
September 23, 2015 — 11:48 AM
kirizar says:
One hopes he wasn’t being literal.
September 29, 2015 — 10:13 AM
curtisedmonds says:
Beep. The noise woke me from a deep sleep–although “noise” is not the right word, because I have a microprocessor wedged between the hemispheres of my brain that can send signals directly to my auditory cortex.
September 14, 2015 — 10:35 PM
Fiona says:
I think this could be shorter/tighter. Too much explanation up front yet I would still be interested in the premise, could be intriguing.
At 6am exactly I awoke from deep sleep, the microprocessor in my brain doing it’s silent work.
September 15, 2015 — 7:23 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Love Fiona’s suggestion!
September 21, 2015 — 3:17 PM
alishacostanzo says:
#1:You almost die again, yes?”
#2: Something about the moon, when filled to its flat circle, compelled me toward the shore of Alexandria, a normal swim I made from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea.
September 14, 2015 — 10:43 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
#1: Not sure I’m getting this one. Is it supposed to be conveying the message, “You almost died again, didn’t you?” If so, that is a really compelling opening line.
#2: I think this one reads better without the last clause, “…a normal swim I made….”
September 23, 2015 — 11:51 AM
alishacostanzo says:
Thanks, L.C. I like the change in #2. The first is spoken through a character with a definitive accent, but I’m glad you got the gist. 🙂
September 23, 2015 — 8:43 PM
sheltonkeysdunning says:
Too many irons in the fire. I’ve got 12 works in progress!
But this is from the WIP I worked on today.
A salesman traveling through Smithsfield once told me that she was an ordinary city, populated by ordinary people living ordinary lives.
September 14, 2015 — 10:48 PM
addy says:
i know this sentence is building up to something unordinary but i just dont think its catchy enough. Might work well with the first paragraph though
September 15, 2015 — 9:24 AM
sheltonkeysdunning says:
The traveling salesman and his theory of Smithsfield weaves throughout the story. The next paragraph he get’s thrown in front of a bus by one of those ordinary citizens he’s so damned proud of. He’s part of the bigger plot, but that thread won’t get resolved until later, maybe not even until the end of the story. I’m 25k in right now.
But. I’m glad there’s enough foreshadowing that you recognize I’m going somewhere other than ordinary with this. That’s good. Thanks for the critique!
September 15, 2015 — 6:39 PM
addy says:
yeah as a whole paragraph you deffinetly have me hooked in. And i am especially entrigued that not even you know how it ends 😀
September 16, 2015 — 5:08 AM
clpauwels says:
So I’m a hacker—get over it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:49 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
It sounds really interesting. Short words rules!
September 15, 2015 — 6:57 AM
CJ says:
this is really effective but would be more powerful if you dropped the so
September 16, 2015 — 6:34 PM
katstuff says:
Angela stood before the creature, neither defiant nor cowering. While she was afraid — and who wouldn’t be — she somehow knew that they didn’t intend to hurt her. Not yet anyway.
(Sorry if this repeats but I haven’t seem mine come through yet.)
September 14, 2015 — 10:50 PM
kirizar says:
I can see where you are going with the intro, but I don’t think you can absolutely say Angela knows they aren’t going to hurt her and then say ‘not yet’. Unless she’s psychic. (Which maybe she is.) It would be more griping if she isn’t sure they won’t hurt her.
September 14, 2015 — 10:57 PM
katstuff says:
Your comment is entirely correct for the information you have so far. But Angela has been seeing demons psychically all her life, and being captured was not a particular surprise. This is revealed shortly thereafter.
September 14, 2015 — 11:04 PM
kirizar says:
See, I knew it had to be something like that.
September 17, 2015 — 5:36 PM
David Marks says:
Everything changed the day Willard dropped the baby.
September 14, 2015 — 11:48 PM
Barb says:
I like it. Would read on.
September 15, 2015 — 8:27 AM
David Marks says:
Thanks Barb! I use this guide when writing first lines: generate as many questions as possible.
September 15, 2015 — 2:49 PM
davidwberner2 says:
Love this!
September 15, 2015 — 8:59 AM
David Marks says:
Thanks!
September 15, 2015 — 2:52 PM
Jinxie G says:
Nice! I like this. I’d definitely continue reading.
September 15, 2015 — 4:15 PM
David Marks says:
Thanks! I like yours, too. The best ones always pique curiosity, I think.
September 15, 2015 — 5:46 PM
Jinxie G says:
Thanks! =)
September 15, 2015 — 6:41 PM
Larissa says:
Really like this one! What happened to the baby? Was it a real baby? Did he do it deliberately? More, please! 😉
September 17, 2015 — 3:22 AM
David Marks says:
Thanks! Yep, that’s the goal:more lotsa questions!
September 17, 2015 — 12:26 PM
Ananda Santos says:
Hahaha I really like this one. For sure I’d read it.
September 17, 2015 — 8:29 PM
David Marks says:
Thanks!
September 17, 2015 — 9:08 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Please tell us who Willard is and why he dropped the baby!
September 21, 2015 — 8:09 AM
marlanesque says:
I am super late to the game here, but here’s the tiny prologue to the thing I am working on.
—
They’ll probably blame me.
This has been my experience in the past. While the fault could easily have fallen on Flinn or Cass, adjuncts or the Talented, I’ll be the one they think of. I’ll be the one they strive to be and hate all at once. I’ll be the one they set out to beg and blackmail. I’ll be the focal point of their desire and resentment.
I wouldn’t call this an enviable position, as I sit here on a concrete barrier, blood seeping into the sand, a crow staring at me from the top of a slanted pillar. But it’s a position I’ve earned.
They’ll blame me the way we blame gods when we don’t get what we want. They’ll blame me as a child might blame their parents. They’ll say I started it all, that I am the alpha and omega. But they’ll be wrong.
In the end they’ll only have themselves to blame.
September 14, 2015 — 11:58 PM
kirizar says:
In the spirit of the game, I’m looking only at the first sentence. If we aren’t allowed to know what’s to come, can we find merit in the sentence standing alone?
“They’ll probably blame me.”
It really says a lot with just five words and doesn’t give everything away. Trust your instincts when committing to the process. We are evaluating each other’s first sentences. Giving us more clouds the waters sometimes.
September 17, 2015 — 5:58 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Agree 100% with kirizar. Great first line.
September 21, 2015 — 8:10 AM
Jana Denardo says:
This was no place for a ghost hunt.
September 15, 2015 — 12:10 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Lovely!
September 15, 2015 — 3:28 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Thanks.
September 15, 2015 — 11:22 AM
Giana says:
Got me interested!
September 15, 2015 — 9:48 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Great. That’s what I’m hoping for.
September 15, 2015 — 11:22 AM
Robert Fagerhaugh says:
I am Bob, the maker and destroyer of universes.
September 15, 2015 — 12:24 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
This must be some kind of crazy guy…
September 15, 2015 — 6:45 AM
Robert Fagerhaugh says:
He’s an artist sitting before a blank white canvas.
September 15, 2015 — 8:06 AM
Giana says:
I’m digging the dramatic flare :}
September 15, 2015 — 9:49 AM
T Hammond says:
Oh yeah, I’d read on. Great catchy first line.
September 15, 2015 — 11:45 AM
kirizar says:
I like Bob as a mysterious maker and destroyer of worlds. Knowing he is an artist sort of brings him back down to the real world. Leave him mysterious a little longer for me.
September 17, 2015 — 6:11 PM
Elise says:
“Father lost a war before our eyes and it wasn’t the one that spill blood.”
The first line of my current first draft. 72,000 words (and counting) later, it’s weird to read this. It’s the start of a different story—one completely in my mind. It is a first step.
September 15, 2015 — 12:52 AM
Elise says:
SPILLED blood.
Dagnabit.
September 15, 2015 — 12:53 AM
kirizar says:
My dyslexia kicked in and I read, “Father lost an eye before the wars…” Not sure if this is helpful, but I felt compelled to share.
September 17, 2015 — 5:39 PM
Fiona says:
So this is why Father wanted more sons thought Richeville as he shuffled to his feet. He must have known I would disappoint him.
September 15, 2015 — 2:30 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Truely good one. The last sentence is very philosophical in some odd way. Lovin’ it!
September 15, 2015 — 6:55 AM
Fiona says:
Thank you. It’s historical fiction.
September 15, 2015 — 7:25 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this!
September 21, 2015 — 8:11 AM
JT Lawrence says:
“You’re naked!” he says, as red wings spread along his cheeks like Rorschach ink blots.
September 15, 2015 — 3:28 AM
Fiona says:
Hey JT. Nice changes to the original. I would consider stopping after cheeks. I like the red wings image as is.
September 15, 2015 — 7:27 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Thanks for the feedback, Fiona!
September 15, 2015 — 9:48 AM
kirizar says:
Uh…cheeks has more than one connotation. I’m just saying, I know where my mind went. I was thinking literal wings spreading across….
September 17, 2015 — 6:01 PM
@C_N_Martin says:
Did this cunning linguist focus on the period?
September 18, 2015 — 1:11 PM
JT Lawrence says:
You guys are terrible. I’m going to try again!
September 20, 2015 — 2:27 AM
Natalie says:
Dare dug his fingers deep into the fissure, feet scrambling wildly against the crumbling rock wall.
September 15, 2015 — 4:13 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Lose the adverb and you’ve got a solid opening line there. 😉
September 23, 2015 — 5:12 PM
albaspire says:
“- for the Games.” Morfan was talking, his voice fading in and out of focus. “How often do three new knights rise at once? The pledges are going to have a rough time of it, I tell you.”
He glanced down at the woman lying on the soft grass. Her golden eyes were half-closed, her breath deep and even.
“Niamh, did you hear a word I said?”
This doesn’t tell much about the story yet… och well
September 15, 2015 — 4:20 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Very brief but full paragraph. It is mysterious. Loved that ‘deep and even’…
September 15, 2015 — 6:49 AM
David Walther says:
Jeremy Quinn deals poison with a smile.
September 15, 2015 — 4:42 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Nice.
September 15, 2015 — 5:31 AM
Jana Denardo says:
That’s interesting.
September 15, 2015 — 11:22 AM
T Hammond says:
Stellar opening line. Congrats
September 15, 2015 — 11:44 AM
kirizar says:
Yes, this is strong.
September 17, 2015 — 6:10 PM
Davida Chazan says:
I though I posted this, but I don’t see it anywhere so here’s another try.
Thursday, April 4, 1940
After Alice Pierce knocked, she could hear shuffling, and then quiet as the peephole slowly darkened. “Who is it?” a woman called from inside. “Good morning, Ma’am. My name is Alice Pierce. I’m from the Census Bureau. Do you have time to answer a few questions?” Pause, pause, pause, nothing, but when the light behind the small glass shifts, Alice holds up her ID card. “It will only take about a quarter of an hour or so.” As the lock turns, Alice hears a heavy sigh followed by mutterings in a language she doesn’t understand, followed by a “sure, sure, we get it over with, already.” When the door opens, the strong scents of bleach and wood polish assault her before the dark, boxy shaped figure with a chiseled frown came into view.
September 15, 2015 — 5:08 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
The first sentence — “After Alice Pierce knocked, she could hear shuffling, and then quiet as the peephole slowly darkened” — has promise, but you may want to tighten it up a bit. If this is a mystery or thriller, the darkening of the peephole can serve to foreshadow what’s to come.
September 24, 2015 — 1:56 AM
Carolee Samuda-Bailey says:
Kenneth Gayle could see the greed etched on the faces of his two eldest children, Robert and Lillian.
September 15, 2015 — 7:35 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I would re-write “etched on the faces” — cliché — but I do like the sentiment and think it could be a great first line.
September 21, 2015 — 8:13 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I would eliminate Kenneth’s last name and the first names of the two eldest children. It feels like more information than I need at this moment. Although I agree with JT that you can do better than the cliche “etched on the faces,” I would go further and suggest that you show, rather than tell, their facial expressions.
September 24, 2015 — 2:00 AM
davidwberner2 says:
Jake had the voice of his father.
September 15, 2015 — 8:57 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
What kind of father? Demented father? Long-dead father? The father he never knew? “…, if his father hadn’t been a deaf-mute”? This is a sentence that may need a tweak to make it more intriguing.
September 23, 2015 — 5:17 PM
Josh says:
I wasn’t always afraid of the dark.
September 15, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Giana says:
I’m curious to know what changed that :}
September 15, 2015 — 9:50 AM
Josh says:
Thanks, that was my goal 🙂 And it is something terrible by the way.
September 16, 2015 — 8:21 AM
Jinxie G says:
I like this.
September 15, 2015 — 4:52 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Nice!
September 21, 2015 — 8:13 AM
Carolina Mac says:
“Just a few more of those, Mr. Quantrall, and we’ll call it quits.”
September 15, 2015 — 9:37 AM
SamKD says:
Intriguing! Could be gym, pre-industrial production, magical…
September 15, 2015 — 11:23 AM
Ivory Kelly says:
Let go.
It’s hard, but it’s inevitable. Someday, you would have to leave behind your past and say goodbye to what you hold dear, and when that day comes, let go and move on.
That was the first thing his father taught him.
It was a lesson he had never forgotten.
It did nothing to prepare him for watching his parents being marched into the tube, though. Mira – innocent, angelic and intuitive, Mira – clinging onto his sleeve, watching silently, was the only thing anchoring him, keeping him from running after them and begging the guards to let them come back home.
— This is the opening portion of the story, I modified it a little, the general story is set in an underground world where it’s not safe above ground and those who commit treason would be sent up via the tube, while their family have their statuses revoked and would enter work camps. Let me know about what can be done to make the opening better!
September 15, 2015 — 9:47 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Maybe try again with just one line?
September 21, 2015 — 8:13 AM
Ivory Kelly says:
The first lesson his father taught him was to let go and go on living.
Does this work?
September 21, 2015 — 8:29 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Yes — maybe even shorter to pack more punch?
“The first lesson his father taught him was to let go.”
September 21, 2015 — 8:39 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Yes! Really like that version.
September 23, 2015 — 5:18 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Pleased to be of service!
September 24, 2015 — 1:14 AM
Dan Bailey says:
It doesn’t really jam well, because on longer works, I’m more worried about the impact of the first paragraph as a whole and not just the first sentence:
First guy at the table busts on a fifteen, no idea what he was thinking.
September 15, 2015 — 10:16 AM
dianelee says:
Still, this sentence evokes a whole scene and makes we want to know who the “thinker” is.
September 15, 2015 — 11:35 AM
dianelee says:
It was the black dog who first told her of the naked man in the alley. Apparently, as usual, orange dog had been the first to notice but ignored him, unimpressed.
September 15, 2015 — 11:14 AM
thanosrules says:
hehe i dig it
September 15, 2015 — 8:25 PM
JT Lawrence says:
I’m confused but I like it anyway.
September 21, 2015 — 8:14 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
First sentence, very nice. Second sentence, I would delete “apparently.”
September 23, 2015 — 5:20 PM
thatcalamity says:
Styg’s surface was charcoal desert, obsidian-sharp mountains and bottomless canyons. Dead.
(Hope it’s alright that I’m posting another.)
September 15, 2015 — 11:34 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Usually I don’t like descriptive first sentiences but this one’s a goodie.
September 21, 2015 — 8:16 AM
boots says:
notes: passive language (was, had been; repetition (first); needless adverb (apparently). intriguing opening, but tightening could improve it.
Black dog told her of the naked man in the alley. As usual, orange dog noticed first, but ignored him, unimpressed.
September 15, 2015 — 11:47 AM
thanosrules says:
I agree witht he changes here…it does tighten it.
September 15, 2015 — 8:38 PM
dianelee says:
Thanks for your comments! (I’ve been away from my computer for a couple days) Boots, you’ve reminded me that I’m afflicted with that passive voice thing, I’ve been told that before. I need to better understand what passive voice is and when and how to avoid it. After reading your revision several times its obvious I’ve lost nothing of the story with the changes you made. Again, thanks. Intriguing is a compliment I value.
September 18, 2015 — 12:47 AM
Maria says:
Something weighty had lodged itself in humanity early in the century commonly referred to as the twentieth, though no one really knew what time it was, they couldn’t, as so much of the history they didn’t know was settling over parts of the earth like a fine, poisonous ash.
September 15, 2015 — 12:06 PM
@C_N_Martin says:
That’s one long sentence. I like the feel of it, overall, but it could definitely be broken into a smaller pieces.
Maybe:
“Something weighty had lodged itself in humanity in the early twentieth century. No one really knows when it happened, they can’t, as so much of the history they didn’t know was settling over parts of the earth like a fine, poisonous ash.”
Or some such thing.
September 23, 2015 — 11:32 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
The best kind of death I could hope for was an embarrassing one. Caine, from Kung Fu came to mind. I thought about tying a belt around my neck with my pants around my ankles. It would’ve been pathetic, but it wouldn’t have been painful. It would have looked like an accident of sexual deviance instead of an act of desperation. It might’ve even made people laugh, and that brought me a strange sort of comfort.
September 15, 2015 — 1:21 PM
thanosrules says:
solid
September 15, 2015 — 8:34 PM
@C_N_Martin says:
Thanks!
September 16, 2015 — 11:45 AM
@C_N_Martin says:
I’m a little sad right now that nobody has ripped this to shreds. Maybe I should take that as a compliment?
September 23, 2015 — 5:43 PM
Mickey says:
Dix insists that the severed fingers started it, but it’s who I am, and who Dix is, that got us in so deep and nearly killed us in the process.
September 15, 2015 — 2:11 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I’d edit to: “Dix insists the severed fingers started it, but it’s who I am and who Dix is that nearly killed us (or “got us killed”).” You can explain what they’re in and how deep they’re in it in a subsequent sentence.
September 24, 2015 — 2:09 AM
Josh says:
WIP #1: By now, Paza had grown accustomed to the reflection in the mirror not matching the image of her master.
WIP #2: “Tell me, brother. Do we bleed?”
September 15, 2015 — 2:51 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Second one is very emotional even if it has literally this meaning. Like this…
September 15, 2015 — 3:20 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
WIP #1: Delete “By now”
WIP #2: Intriguing start.
September 24, 2015 — 2:11 AM
Nevaeh says:
He shot my damn dog.
This could not be happening.
Granted, that dog was annoying as hell and did bark his head off when the guy forced his way inside the house. But still….
September 15, 2015 — 3:10 PM
Sarah Dimento says:
Great first line. Great second line. The rest—way too understanding from a guy towards a guy who broke into his house and shot his dog.
September 16, 2015 — 1:08 AM
Nevaeh says:
Thanks, Sarah…actually, it’s a girl though, not a guy 😉
September 18, 2015 — 11:35 PM
addy says:
brilliant. you got me emotionally engaged with a dead dog and showed me the protagonist. I would definetly read on.
September 18, 2015 — 6:12 AM
Nevaeh says:
I appreciate it, Addy. I hope you do read on. “Defying All Odds” (coming soon)
September 18, 2015 — 11:36 PM
Jinxie G says:
Armen Leza should be dead.
September 15, 2015 — 3:37 PM
Zoe says:
great!
September 16, 2015 — 9:37 AM
Jerrica says:
Most men would relish the moment a five foot seven, toned, busty, blue eyed blonde straddles their lap and screams their name repeatedly, but not Caleb, of course.
September 15, 2015 — 5:48 PM
@C_N_Martin says:
I already dislike Caleb.
September 18, 2015 — 12:51 PM
Annie says:
While it was true that in the Little Calapoosie Valley natural death could no longer be relied upon as a way out of interpersonal conflict, the citizens of the valley continued to wish it could.
September 15, 2015 — 7:25 PM
thanosrules says:
“She made her stand atop the last hill.
Through the shag of mountain pines, the sight of a red ghost stopped me in my tracks.”
September 15, 2015 — 8:26 PM
Chris D says:
This story has no plot, no story arc and no character development –
I’m not even sure it has an ending.
September 15, 2015 — 8:53 PM
Melody Jewell says:
WIP
An aborted photo shoot with a 12 month old Houdini, more of a wrestling match, had fried my last nerve.
September 15, 2015 — 9:24 PM
Bibliobibuli @ The Book Tales says:
Hey, this sounds intriguing. Right off the bat is a problem promising to escalate into some worthwhile reading.
September 16, 2015 — 5:28 AM
Melody Jewell says:
thanks, appreciate the feedback.
September 16, 2015 — 7:31 AM
kirizar says:
While I get the use of the word ‘aborted’ in this context, I can’t help but juxtapose it with the idea of an infant Houdini. Might want to think twice about that connection.
The photo shoot with a 12-month-old Houdini–really more of a wrestling match–fried my last nerve.
September 17, 2015 — 6:05 PM
Melody says:
thanks kirizar, I have read this numerous times to a few groups and critique partners over the last several months and just yesterday an editor friend mentioned it drew images of infants and abortion. Gads!
September 18, 2015 — 1:34 PM
kirizar says:
It might be the difference between reading aloud and reading on a page. My eyes tend to pair up words by association when I am reading that I don’t catch while listening to books on tape. The word works as the context indicates, but the minute you think of it in relation to a child…well, the mind leaps, I’m afraid.
September 19, 2015 — 3:49 PM
JT Lawrence says:
Agree!
September 21, 2015 — 8:18 AM
chaptersinflux says:
The lining of David Hext’s jacket pocket was torn, so that every morning when he dropped his keys in it they fell straight through to settle around the hemline. They jingled against his hip when he walked and now the sound was echoing awkwardly off the hallway’s high ceiling. The footsteps of the couple he was guiding through the house – a clattering of business shoes and heels – followed behind him across floorboards and almost drowned the jingling out, but not quite.
September 15, 2015 — 10:26 PM
Sarah Dimento says:
I normally lurk, but I’ve been stumped about what makes a better first line in my current WIP and would appreciate the opinions of people who have no reason to massage my ego:
They put me in solitary because I wouldn’t stop screaming. I wouldn’t stop screaming because I couldn’t stand the noise.
or
I’ve been extra-sensory and synesthetic since I grew a second brain, and the drugs they give me here won’t make it go away.
September 16, 2015 — 1:16 AM
Natalie says:
I like the first one. It makes me want to keep reading to work out why they are screaming. The second explains too much. The story is already over.
September 16, 2015 — 5:08 PM
Sarah Dimento says:
I had a gut feeling the first was the better choice, but couldn’t figure out why. Now I know. Thank you! Given what you said, I may cut the second line from the first chapter altogether. It didn’t seem to fit well there.
September 17, 2015 — 12:07 AM
Johnny Rosario says:
All right, here goes. Had this idea in my head for a while, time to wing it.
—
This room was Morgan’s whole world. It was most of his life, in fact. He had no siblings, no distant relatives (as far as he knew), and nobody else to keep him company, other than his overbearing parents. Occasionally his heart would come close to giving in and there he went, whisked away to another white room. He almost preferred the mundaneness of his bland, nearly empty bedroom to the noisiness and sounds of impending death that awaited him in the hospital. Although this didn’t happen often, the same thoughts would plague his mind during each unscheduled visit.
Is it worth keeping me alive like this?
Am I an obligation?
I want to go home.
What even is home?
Is this my home?
—
Well, I wrote as much as I could. How was it?
September 16, 2015 — 7:17 AM
addy says:
i am kind of speachless. i am definetly intrigued by your character and his life but it feels really sad. i feel like i wouldnt enjoy reading it (due to sadness and the depression of the character) but i do feel its something that must be read.
if that makes sense.
basically dont change the opening. i would read on.
September 18, 2015 — 6:17 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Try making the comparison between home and hospital more immediate: “Mundane as it was, Morgan’s bland, nearly empty bedroom was preferable to the sounds of impending death that filled the hospital.” — or something like it.
September 24, 2015 — 2:27 AM
Zoe says:
Okay here goes (that’s me, not my line :))
PROLOGUE LINE ONE:
Prologue:
Dear Emma,
I’m writing this because I want to help. I want you to better understand the person Chase was during his life, not after, not now.
CHAPTER ONE LINE ONE:
Chase was thirty-two. The age where you’re supposed to have your shit together and know exactly what you want from the next twenty years
September 16, 2015 — 9:36 AM
Ananda Santos says:
I write in portuguese, so I don’t know if it will sound well when translated… There goes:
“My father was a man stupid enough to exchange the dinosaurs for a baby. Sometimes I wonder if he ever wanted to undo the exchange – I wouldn’t mind going away if a velociraptor would take my place.”
September 16, 2015 — 10:41 AM
Larissa says:
Ooooooh! Yes please! So much juice here. What’s the relationship with her father? I’m gathering not great. Or maybe she’s depressed in general. Anyway, you have me interested. Now if only I could read Portuguese 😉
September 17, 2015 — 3:29 AM
Ananda Santos says:
Thank you for the comment =)
She (Aléssia) is the daughter of a failed paleontologist, who had to stop studying when his girlfriend wanted a marriage and a baby. They divorced 5 years after, and now Aléssia lives alone with her unemployed father. She thinks he’s a loser for choosing such a life when he could be ressearching fossils (his childhood dream) without worries. She doesn’t want to make the same decision.
September 17, 2015 — 2:14 PM
entrebat says:
1. Sister Magana had joined the Temple of the Triumphant not because she was a devout follower of God, although her faith was strong, but instead to be part of the quantum computer network that spanned galaxies.
2. Jefferson Langston Hughes looked up into the sky and squinted at the grey overcast morning as a drop of greasy rain pounded into his left eye.
3. From the street, you would never know the workshop behind sooty facade held a most unusual thing built by a most unusual man.
September 16, 2015 — 1:38 PM
addy says:
i think no. 2 is my favourite. nothing says this is a bad day like bad weather that nearly blinds you.
no. 3 is definetly the most facinating one. I want to know what and who is inside.
September 18, 2015 — 6:19 AM
David says:
“There I sat with the barrel pressed against my forehead and wondering if this was going to be another “Suicide Gone Wrong” story.”
September 16, 2015 — 6:50 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Delete “there” & “and” and I think you’ve got it!
September 24, 2015 — 2:31 AM
Deficioscriptor.com says:
I have a drink – I know, I know, it’s not even nine in the morning, but they serve at the airline club.
September 16, 2015 — 8:27 PM
Lance Dye says:
The first light of the sun found its way through the gap in the shutters, perfectly aimed to strike Lysander dead in the eye.
September 16, 2015 — 10:57 PM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Anytime you can work “dead” into your first sentence is a plus. Nice!
September 24, 2015 — 2:32 AM
Lisa F says:
I woke in the morgue.
September 16, 2015 — 10:58 PM
David Marks says:
I love it! Short and sweet, and can’t help but wonder what’s next.
September 16, 2015 — 11:54 PM
Brian L. says:
“Grandpa, you ever kill anyone?”
September 17, 2015 — 1:16 AM
David Marks says:
Like it! Could go most anywhere from there.
September 17, 2015 — 12:28 PM
b u y ▲ g o l d (@chaseandcatch) says:
“Jack braces his arms around the toilet bowl, takes a deep breath, and throws up.”
September 17, 2015 — 3:28 AM
Maha717 says:
I like it…would read on.
September 17, 2015 — 12:13 PM
kaylimckenzie says:
Thanks! 🙂
November 23, 2015 — 10:28 AM
InkHopp says:
This sounds like more of a second sentence to me, than a first-liner. It’s hard to give specific advice since I do not know what’s going through poor Jack’s mind, but I suggest placing a short thought that instantly evokes questions as your first sentence. That way, the “Jack braces his arms around the toilet bowl . . .” will give the reader mystery and force them to read on further to find out more of what you mentioned in the first-liner.
November 4, 2015 — 11:47 PM
kaylimckenzie says:
Thank you! I was thinking it wasn’t as much of a hook as it could be, and this helps a bunch. 🙂
November 23, 2015 — 10:27 AM