Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
kakubjaya says:
Actually trying to decide between two different versions of my opening, thus, two opening lines:
“They met again above the surface of Hunahpu, at the end of thousands of kilometers of spidercarbon steel cable.”
OR
“He had decided that he was going to break that finger clean off the next time it got poked at Susan’s face.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:46 AM
Sarah W says:
Wow, that’s two very different tones there.
That first one very much has a science fiction vibe – puts me in mind of Zelazny and Clarke, that kind of late 60s/early 70s experimental scifi era.
The second one is more conversational and much less genre-specific. It reads clearly as a guy watching his girlfriend or female friend arguing with someone he kind of hates.
For me, personally, I’m slightly more intrigued by the first than the second. Not that the second is bad, but the clear scifi vibe has my attention.
September 14, 2015 — 12:16 PM
Janet K Smith says:
“The end was probably inevitable by the time my mom met Hickstead Sinclair in a Maternity Room of the Torrence Federal Building for GenDem Research and Human Advancement, but they tried to change things, they really did, and I’m proud of them for it. That’s what it meant to be human.”
September 14, 2015 — 12:00 PM
Maggie Smith says:
too much detail for me to take in. I’d simplify it considerably.
September 14, 2015 — 12:21 PM
Lawson Reinsch says:
I agree. Is the facility important at this point? Can it come later? Compare the first line ending after “Advancement” or “Maternity Room” or “Sinclair.” I don’t care about the facility. I do care and am interested in inevitable endings upon meeting. And meeting for the first time in a Maternity Room is compelling, both in telling us a lot and in planting (beneficial) questions in our heads.
September 14, 2015 — 12:34 PM
kdrose1 says:
Agree. Too much. I cant keep track as a reader. I would condense somehow.
September 14, 2015 — 12:52 PM
Scott says:
“Don’t look, Mom, there’s another one.”
September 14, 2015 — 12:00 PM
kdrose1 says:
You catch me. So the next lines better be good! : )
September 14, 2015 — 12:13 PM
laurievarga says:
Great point kdrose1. Even if the first few lines have a good hook the writer better keep up the good work or I’m gone. 😉
September 14, 2015 — 1:43 PM
Michelle Roberts says:
Actually it’s quite the opposite of a receding sound. Here’s the first paragraph for context:
The heavy tread of steel shod boots marks a staccato beat that echoes off the stone stairs and stone walls down into my own private sanctuary. I look up, blowing wisps of hair out of my face, as a squad of armed guards bursts into the library. The captain of the guard and the ducal heir himself in their wake.
September 14, 2015 — 12:04 PM
kirizar says:
I couldn’t find the earlier reference. An easy fix would be to say:
The approaching tread of steel boots…
You might be able to thin the adjectives a bit. The pacing of the story can better match the movement of the character if the brain isn’t slowing down for a lot of nuance:
The staccato tread of heavy boots coming down the stairs, echoing off stone walls, disrupts my private sanctuary.
September 14, 2015 — 11:05 PM
sytrusc02 says:
When I was younger, I remember reading about the future of mankind. It always went down one or two paths. Either the world ended in some doomsday scenario, fire and brimstone, incurable diseases, super volcanoes or meteor collisions. All of which destroy our species as the Earth dies. Or, the other scenario where we’d survive and live in a futuristic utopia of flying cars, space exploration and peace. But, like most things in life, we ended up somewhere in between.
September 14, 2015 — 12:04 PM
laurievarga says:
I like the way you’ve set this up, like Goldilocks and the porridge. However, you could tighten it up a bit, for example: “When I was young it seemed like stories about the future always went down one of two paths…”
You could do that for the rest of it – maybe 4 sentences total. That would definitely grab me.
I like that this seems like a sic-fi / futuristic / dystopian story but it has a lighter, friendlier tone. I’m sensing there could be some humour in it too.
September 14, 2015 — 1:50 PM
Shirley Goodrum says:
Pain held her prisoner in the doorway, held her silent, stopped her chasing the two nurses from her brother’s bed and forced her to watch the tableau beyond.
September 14, 2015 — 12:07 PM
kdrose1 says:
Love it. One small picky thing is I would change the second held since you already used the word. Like to kept or something. That’s just me. Word things tend to take me out of the moment but others might not be like that. Think the writing is beautiful- capturing a moment well.
September 14, 2015 — 12:15 PM
Elly Conley says:
I actually really like the two uses of “held.” It makes it feel poetic.
September 14, 2015 — 2:36 PM
moteridgerider says:
I agree with this. However, the fact that it’s only repeated twice gives the impression that it could be unpolished writing. To make sure, I’d add a third ‘held’ statement. Without knowing what transpires it’s hard to suggest which word. Is she transfixed by the tableau? Then maybe she feels impotent or helpless.
September 14, 2015 — 5:12 PM
kirizar says:
I’m wondering whether it is a literal pain or a metaphorical one. I was tripped up by the word tableau. I know it’s meaning, but it seems an oddly serene word for what might be a terrible or macabre scene. Maybe she is watching a macabre tableau?
September 14, 2015 — 11:11 PM
T Hammond says:
From my WiP, Posse: Legends.
Death descends—a shattering blow.
September 14, 2015 — 12:10 PM
Ellie Mack says:
Right to the point – I like that! Attention grabbing and makes the reader want to know more!
September 14, 2015 — 1:54 PM
T Hammond says:
My line is taken from the prologue. Thanks for the feedback, Ellie
September 14, 2015 — 2:06 PM
moteridgerider says:
This could be very dramatic, depending on what comes next. I’m thinking what form ‘death’ takes. The fact that it’s a blow tells me it might be the fall of a weapon like a war hammer. If this isn’t the feeling you’re trying to evoke e.g. if it’s metaphorical, or, if it’s literally something descending from the sky then a few modifiers might be appropriate e.g. ‘A shattering blow to the psyche,’ or ‘A shattering blow from the skies,’
September 14, 2015 — 5:18 PM
T Hammond says:
My story is an Urban Fantasy– this is from a gargoyle’s perspective. I’m still working on the opening sentences, but here’s the start:
Death descends—a shattering blow.
Silent screams reverberate through my mind; a tree falling with a heavy, soundless crash in a deserted forest.
No one marks my passing into oblivion.
After countless millennia, this is how it ends?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
September 14, 2015 — 5:25 PM
moteridgerider says:
Ah – gargoyles. I’m getting more of the vibe now. Great choice of monster by the way. Have you seen Stephen King’s coffee table book ‘Nightmares in the sky?’ Excellent for inspiration.
September 14, 2015 — 5:39 PM
T Hammond says:
No, haven’t read much of SK’s latest works. Love his earlier stuff. I like gargoyles, too. I was hoping to capture the moments when they are frozen in stone form, yet aware. The blow is a sledgehammer. So I’m happy that seems to be relayed.
September 14, 2015 — 5:52 PM
kirizar says:
I wonder if ‘a shattering blow’ provides any additional information really? As a first sentence, it is very short, so the words have to provide a greater intensity. I think a shattering blow already suggests probable death. Maybe bring forth some emotion or tension into the second half? Without context, this is all speculation. Perhaps you have a killer second sentence to pair with the first? (No pun intended…)
Death descends–and I can only laugh.
Death descends–a welcome, shattering into nothingness.
Death descends–finally.
September 14, 2015 — 11:16 PM
T Hammond says:
Thanks for your thoughts. I’m struggling to set the proper tone with this very short opening. The gargoyle is frozen in his daytime stone form– aware, yet helpless to move. The next sentences were provided above after comments from another person. I’ve done some rearranging already, based on observations. I love when Chuck does these one-liner things.
September 14, 2015 — 11:24 PM
kirizar says:
I found the earlier paragraph. Perhaps you can put together the beginning and the end?
Death Descends–I am helpless to stop it. “After countless millennia, this is how it ends? With no one to mark my passage into oblivion.” (Italicized thought.)
September 14, 2015 — 11:44 PM
T Hammond says:
Love the “helpless to stop it” idea… I’ll fiddle around with that a bit more to fit his speech pattern. Thanks for the idea — T
September 15, 2015 — 1:12 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Oh I really like that. It captures the attention.
September 15, 2015 — 12:11 AM
T Hammond says:
Thank you Jana.
September 15, 2015 — 1:06 AM
Rick Sherman says:
It was just bad luck that the genius who perfected the mind-controll was a devout fundamentalist.
September 14, 2015 — 12:14 PM
Clementine Danger says:
That. Is terrifying.
I don’t know about the word devout here, since it’s almost exclusively used to describe religiosity, so I’d go with “dedicated” or “ardent” or something like that. I also think the sentence would roll better if it was “the genius who perfected mind control.”
But regardless, that idea is just delicious. Love it!
September 14, 2015 — 12:27 PM
Lawson Reinsch says:
I’d read on. The premise is horrifying, so the “just bad luck” voice is interesting. Agree about taking “the” (and the hyphen) out of “the mind-control.” Not sure you need a modifier for the fundamentalist part of “fundamentalist.” Wouldn’t an amplifier be at least partly redundant because of the extremism inherent in fundamentalism, the same way an easy going or laid back fundamentalist would be oxymoronic? (Sorry if that offends fundamentalists. P.S. Not sorry.) But if that modifier is intended to make the situation/results worse, then maybe use something to indicate efficiency or effectiveness. “Workaholic” doesn’t sound right, but fits what I’m getting at.
September 14, 2015 — 1:35 PM
Jana Denardo says:
And in one sentence you’ve terrified me. Kudos
September 15, 2015 — 12:12 AM
David Walther says:
I agree with the comments above. The combination of mind control and fundamentalism is such a horror-inspiring composition that if you tightened the whole sentence a bit, you’d have one cracker of a first line.
“It’s just bad luck that the genius who perfected mind control was a fundamentalist.”
“The world’s bad luck was that a fundamentalist perfected mind control.”
That’s how I’d write it.
Cheers
September 15, 2015 — 4:55 AM
Teri Bayus says:
“It was the best thing she had ever put in her mouth. The taste and texture touched a long
hidden pleasure center. She took it slowly, letting the experience lay bare and be locked
in as a memory. “
September 14, 2015 — 12:15 PM
Clementine Danger says:
That certainly sounds very sexual. If that’s the intent, right on, although if this describes what I think it describes, then her experience and mine are very different indeed. I’ve certainly put better things in my mouth, but to each their own.
On the off chance that it’s not supposed to be sexual at all, you might want to define “it” right away. Because blowjobs.
Either way, sexual or not, the “best thing ever” bit is throwing me off.
September 14, 2015 — 12:45 PM
Teri BAYUS says:
It is food. But the book (Consumed) is culinary erotica.
September 14, 2015 — 12:57 PM
Clementine Danger says:
In that case, I personally think it veers a little too close to “gotcha” territory.
This is just me, but I feel the first couple of sentences of a story need to build trust with the reader. It’s on my mind because I just read an editor’s review of a short story in which she explains why readers are generally turned off by “gotcha” in a short story or first chapter. It feels like a tiny betrayal of trust, like the author is laughing at you. Haha, you thought it was penis but really it was lasagna! (I’m not saying you’re there, just that it gets a little too close to it for comfort.)
This is a really well-written paragraph and I do like it, but I wouldn’t use it as the very first impression, when you still need your reader to start trusting you. It just reads a little too cutesy for me.
And culinary erotica sounds like it would be right up my alley too. Now there’s a genre that needs more entries.
September 14, 2015 — 1:07 PM
Ady says:
Nah… I bet its a good curry.
September 14, 2015 — 12:59 PM
kirizar says:
I think if you only posted the first sentence, you’d get rave reviews:
“It was the best thing she’d ever put in her mouth.”
Any additional details immediately diminishes the effect. But that’s me.
September 14, 2015 — 11:07 PM
Penquillity says:
It was not my intention to start the day with a body at my feet but intentions are, I have discovered at times, not so well met.
Jeannie Leighton
September 14, 2015 — 12:20 PM
Lawson Reinsch says:
Ha! Hard to miss with a corpse in line one. Consider ending the sentence after “feet” unless the major theme of the work is intentions versus outcomes. For me, that part feels strong but the rest undercuts that impact. I think in part it’s the casual phrasing. Do you need “I have discovered”? (Try reading it with “you know” in place of “I have discovered.” It slows things down, without doing much work for you.) Same with “at times” unless you want us to focus on the general intermittency of success. Keeping all these words, I’d recommend for clarity a comma after “feet” and “discovered” but omitting the one after “times.”
September 14, 2015 — 12:54 PM
kirizar says:
I like the starting point. There is something about the phrasing that is off somewhere. Maybe it’s too cerebral?
I had no intention of starting my day staring at a naked corpse, but murder is rarely considerate or convenient.
(Sorry, had to throw in ‘naked’, the body needed a boost in ratings.)
September 14, 2015 — 11:25 PM
writing, writing, words words words. says:
Excellent comments, kirizar. I second them.
September 15, 2015 — 9:47 PM
Christina Steiner says:
Some secrets and mysteries find their way out from the deepest folds in the soul, others stay hidden and fester.
September 14, 2015 — 12:21 PM
thatcalamity says:
I like what you’re going for. The imagery is great very evocative of how holding onto a bad secret can feel. To really emphasize that, I’d suggest shifting the ‘deepest folds’ back to the festering section of the sentence. It focuses the reader on the messy festering/rotting imagery and how entrenched those secrets could be.
“Some secrets work their way into the open while others hide, festering in the deepest folds of the soul.”
September 14, 2015 — 3:55 PM
yellehughes says:
“Be silent! When you are in the presence of the Fates, you show respect.” Yelle Hughes
September 14, 2015 — 12:22 PM
yellehughes says:
This is from my Greek myth WIP “Zephyrus the Aegean Chronicles”
September 14, 2015 — 1:39 PM
kirizar says:
This sets the scene and gives an interesting glimpse of context. You could phrase it with tighter words or give a hint as to whom Hughes is yelling at:
“Silence, mortals. Show respect for the Fates; humble yourself in their presence.” Yelled Hughes.
September 14, 2015 — 11:36 PM
kirizar says:
Oh, wait. I see. Your name is Yelle Hughes. I misread that. Sorry.
September 14, 2015 — 11:37 PM
yellehughes says:
For clarity, here’s the next paragraph: The Anemoi immediately quieted at the guard’s words. Zephyrus was the first to prostrate himself on one knee. His three brothers followed. With his head bowed, the god of the west wind spoke respectfully, “Kalimera, my deepest apologies. Per your request, we stand before you.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:52 PM
yellehughes says:
Thanks so much for your advice 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 11:59 PM
kirizar says:
For clarity, you could change ‘immediately quieted’ to a shorter word ‘stilled’ and switch the order around:
At the guard’s words, the Anemoi stilled.
This would pair up the action of the preceding sentence with who is doing the talking.
September 17, 2015 — 6:27 PM
Margaret Chmiel says:
“My boss is a chain-smoking goblin.”
September 14, 2015 — 12:23 PM
yellehughes says:
This^ peaks my interest.
September 14, 2015 — 1:02 PM
TymberDalton says:
Hahaha! Win!
September 14, 2015 — 1:25 PM
Lawson Reinsch says:
Nice! I’m in.
September 14, 2015 — 1:38 PM
Toni J says:
Ooh! I hope it’s literal, but either way is great.
September 14, 2015 — 2:26 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
Like this a lot! I’d love to know more about that boss, as well as the employee.
September 14, 2015 — 2:26 PM
cincan19 says:
Love this!
September 14, 2015 — 6:49 PM
kirizar says:
I hope the following sentence is: After 200 years of unfiltered tar, he’s started to look like a smoked sausage.
September 14, 2015 — 11:30 PM
T Hammond says:
OMG– That second line so awesome, and a perfect accompaniment to the excellent first line. I see a writing team in the making.
September 15, 2015 — 1:09 AM
kirizar says:
As long as you enjoy a writing partner who procrastinates with ice-age slowness…
September 17, 2015 — 6:29 PM
Jana Denardo says:
Okay now I need to know more. I like it.
September 15, 2015 — 12:13 AM
M T McGuire says:
Oh YES! I love that one.
September 15, 2015 — 6:22 AM
Jonathon Burgess says:
The robbery was not going according to the plan.
September 14, 2015 — 12:28 PM
Clementine Danger says:
And hijinks ensue, yes? I hope so. This sounds like the start of a really decent comedy bit, somewhere halfway between Reservoir Dogs and Good Omens. (I think the phrase is “according to plan,” drop the “the,” but regardless.)
September 14, 2015 — 12:49 PM
kdrose1 says:
Right on point. Drop “the”. As a reader I expect humor next to keep going.
September 14, 2015 — 12:54 PM
KristenHG says:
I feel like the “the” takes it out of the realm of cliche and makes it about a specific plan, but that is way way pickier feedback than Jonathon probably needs. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 12:55 PM
amandasalisbury says:
I think this could be stronger if a different word preceded ‘plan’. Is it a specific person’s plan? Her/His plan? My plan? Your plan? The Queen’s plan? Depending on whose plan it is, either drop ‘the’ or add the plan’s owner.
September 14, 2015 — 1:01 PM
Clementine Danger says:
Yes, this!
September 14, 2015 — 1:09 PM
kirizar says:
Alternatives to the word ‘robbery’: heist, holdup, job, five-finger discount, snatching the diamond, cracking the safe, breaking into Fort Knox… You could give us a hint as to the character who is talking by the word choice.
“Snatching the Picasso in broad daylight, sadly, was not going according to plan.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:52 PM
amandasalisbury says:
Twinning Day came every two weeks on Wednesday.
September 14, 2015 — 12:34 PM
KristenHG says:
I like it! What is Twinning Day? Why every two weeks? Who decided on Wednesday? Must read more.
September 14, 2015 — 12:53 PM
Jonathon Burgess says:
I like it. Twinning Day sounds intriguing. Using “every other Wednesday” might make the sentence snappier, but the current form isn’t bad.
September 14, 2015 — 2:54 PM
kimberleycooperblog says:
“No, please, don’t. No!” He wanted to retract his ears so he couldn’t hear Mom’s sobbing. But he didn’t. He needed to be able to hear if they came for him too. So he used his two-fingered hands to cover them, just big enough to block out most of the sound.
September 14, 2015 — 12:35 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
Nice opening! There’s a limit to how much emotional hook you can achieve with characters we don’t know yet, but playing the Mom card is a smart move. I’d head back in time and make us love her a bit more before you kill her though… personal preference.
Also personal preference, but I’d put that second bit as the very first thing, before any dialogue – “He wanted to retract his ears so he couldn’t hear Mom’s sobbing, but he didn’t.”
I’d actually lose the dialogue altogether, because it doesn’t add to anything: – Mom’s sobbing already tells us the same thing. The next bit, “…if they came for him too.” tells us the type of sobbing (pleading).
September 14, 2015 — 9:24 PM
kimberleycooperblog says:
That’s great feedback! Thanks very much for this. Kind regards.
September 15, 2015 — 2:14 AM
Todd Moody says:
Remie La Jeunesse sat in the captain’s chair, listening to radio traffic while they waited for their turn to jump through the Quantum Gate.
September 14, 2015 — 12:36 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
The Quantum Gate is an interesting idea — just a transportation thing, like a wormhole, or something more complicated? The rest of the scene feels a bit pedestrian and doesn’t really set anything up that makes me want to keep reading. I think you could work that aspect of it to make an interesting contrast with this very not-ordinary sci-fi idea — but I feel like you have to set it up harder if that’s what you’re trying to do. Or if it’s not what you’re trying to do, you need to work in some action earlier. I don’t feel like someone listening to the radio is a strong hook.
Also, are people still using radios after inventing something called a Quantum Gate?
Also also, I read this as Remie being non-binary. If the “they”/”their” aren’t meant to be Remie’s preferred pronouns, you might need to rewrite the sentence to make it clearer that you’re referring to a whole ship of waiting people and not just Remie.
September 14, 2015 — 5:46 PM
kirizar says:
You could shorthand the sentence–that is, if Remie is the captain:
Captain Remie La Jeunesse listened to the interstellar traffic report, waiting for their turn to jump the Quantum Gate.
September 14, 2015 — 11:55 PM
Barrie J Rosen says:
Tares could feel his entire race dying in his mind. Billions of people burned and screamed and he could do nothing.
September 14, 2015 — 12:39 PM
TymberDalton says:
Intriguing. I suggest changing “could feel” to “felt” to make it more immediate personal.
September 14, 2015 — 1:27 PM
moteridgerider says:
A gripping opener. This might be one of those rare occasions where judicious use of ‘ing’ words might lend more gravity to the description. Also ‘people’ is a bit weak as it sounds like a statistic. Maybe ‘souls’ or ‘kindred’ would make their deaths more personal to Tares. For example: ‘Billions of tortured souls, burning and screaming. Him standing there, helpless to prevent it.’
September 14, 2015 — 5:48 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
The sea spat two witches out onto the sand; the third was accepted by the waves.
September 14, 2015 — 12:40 PM
Charley Descoteaux says:
Hooked. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 12:47 PM
Clementine Danger says:
Oh, I love it!
I don’t know the tone of the story, but I feel the word “accepted” is a little jarring in this sentence. The sea spitting up witches is such a mythical, organic image, it invokes wild and ancient nature, while the word “accepted” sounds clinical and cold. I’d go with something more organic. Devoured, taken, swallowed, whatever fits.
But that’s a silly nitpick. this really is one of those sentences that makes me kick myself for not thinking of it first. Godspeed.
September 14, 2015 — 12:53 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Thanks! It’s a witch-ducking by sea, and I’ve tried a lot of words in place of “accepted.” I want some way to indicate her drowning is, in some ways, a kindness. I think your suggestion of ‘taken’ is perfect.
September 14, 2015 — 1:45 PM
Shane says:
Not to suggest ‘taken’ isn’t perfect, but a thought that occurred to me, since the drowning is a kindness, a word like ’embraced’ or ‘welcomed’ might also fit.
Love the line though. Hellova hook.
September 14, 2015 — 8:00 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Thank you!
September 15, 2015 — 4:20 PM
Ady says:
Nice
September 14, 2015 — 1:02 PM
Sarah W says:
Nicely done.
September 14, 2015 — 1:22 PM
amandasalisbury says:
I like this. I don’t think you need ‘out’ after ‘spat two witches’. The second half could perhaps be stronger if the waves were less passive. ‘The sea spat two witches onto the sand but welcomed/drew/swallowed/beckoned the third to its depths.’ ‘The sea spat two witches onto the sand. Waves devoured/consumed/swallowed the third.’
September 14, 2015 — 1:29 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Thank you- I’ll be taking the ‘out’ out!
September 14, 2015 — 1:47 PM
Lawson Reinsch says:
Super compelling! I love the agency given to the sea. Wondering about circumstances: Who cast the witches into the sea? Themselves? What differentiated the third? How do the two feel about their result, and the third’s? Is she actually dead or ??? Want to read more!
September 14, 2015 — 1:58 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Lovely!
September 14, 2015 — 5:40 PM
Charley Descoteaux says:
It had been a while since the last time a moving vehicle hit me but I wasn’t in the mood to take chances.
September 14, 2015 — 12:44 PM
moteridgerider says:
Shows a lot of promise. Already, the reader is wondering why the character has been hit in the past. To tighten up, I’d take a few words out and rearrange e.g. ‘It had been a while since my last accident. But I wasn’t prepared to take chances with another moving vehicle.’ (If I’ve got the sense right.)
September 14, 2015 — 5:55 PM
Charley Descoteaux says:
Thanks! Although “accident” would imply the MC was driving. The following sentences clear that up fast. 😉
September 15, 2015 — 12:46 AM
jo ann woodford says:
My opening line:
Those hands–she’d know them anywhere–big, ugly, crawling all over her in the middle of the night and Mama–all the hurt those hands had caused Mama.
September 14, 2015 — 12:45 PM
murgatroid98 says:
It seemed like a great idea. A boat. A paddle. A warm, spring afternoon. Two adventurous little girls. Perfect.
September 14, 2015 — 12:46 PM
lisacle says:
I like the hint of dread you create with the word “seemed.” 😎
September 14, 2015 — 1:55 PM
moteridgerider says:
Yes – the word ‘seemed’ makes all the difference. Consider removing the reference to a paddle. I’d seen the boat and its means of propulsion before you mentioned it. The reader can fill in the blanks and a list of three seems to have a better pace and rhythm.
September 14, 2015 — 5:59 PM
Sophie Giroir says:
Sweat beads on Lua’s brow—jaw sore, throat raw.
September 14, 2015 — 12:49 PM
Rob Gomez says:
Nightmares, in the truest sense of the word, aren’t inherently evil. It takes a turning of sorts before what you dread in sleep becomes a tangible fear in your waking hours.
– The Spiderling WIP 2015
September 14, 2015 — 12:50 PM
Ellie Mack says:
This one caught my attention – hope you are continuing this WIP!
September 14, 2015 — 1:52 PM
Rob Gomez says:
Thank you for your feedback. I’m halfway there. 😉 It:s become so much more than I anticipated.
September 14, 2015 — 2:05 PM
moteridgerider says:
A well crafted opener. I have a couple of suggestions. Firstly, the word ‘turning’. Maybe you could make the verb more sinister (I’m guessing it’s dark territory you’re moving into.) Depending on your context you could substitute the word for ‘transformation’ or similar. Also, ‘what you dread in sleep’ sounds slightly clunky. How about ‘… before the thing you dread while sleeping becomes …?’
September 14, 2015 — 6:06 PM
Rob Gomez says:
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I’ve incorporated your suggestions in my work already. Cheers!
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 PM
KristenHG says:
Nell Kelly was thinking of two things as the Empire Builder lurched across the drab North Dakota plain: children (which she did not want) and the bones of the long dead (which she did want).
September 14, 2015 — 12:52 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Interesting- would love to learn more!
September 14, 2015 — 4:07 PM
writing, writing, words words words. says:
Oh, I like it very much. The sentence puts me right there. And I’m curious as hell.
September 15, 2015 — 10:12 PM
kdrose1 says:
He could have relied on abstractions. I could have died on a word.
September 14, 2015 — 12:57 PM
Ethan Asplin says:
Faith, hope and love.
Belief has always been fundamental in the path you choose. But some paths aren’t chosen.
September 14, 2015 — 1:00 PM
jrfrontera says:
The rain poured down in sheets, nearly drowning them as they ran.
September 14, 2015 — 1:04 PM
lisacle says:
In retrospect, the pedestrian tunnel over the top of the log ride at the Mall of America was a weird place to meet up, but it was important to pick a place that everyone was familiar with, and the cheesy, fake sawmill tunnel surrounded by imitation pine forest decor seemed to fit the bill.
September 14, 2015 — 1:29 PM
Nick says:
I stooped down and touched the wet dirt. The imprint was fresh.
September 14, 2015 — 1:42 PM
Kyra Dune says:
The gentle rocking of the ship sways Gellen’s hammock to and fro as he lays drowsing in the soft glow of the lantern light.
September 14, 2015 — 1:43 PM
liz lerner says:
She shoved the pink bangs under her cap, grabbed her board and made it to the front porch where a waiting hill would take her to the highway leading to aqua waves and salty air, her safe place.
September 14, 2015 — 1:44 PM
Tribi (@tribid) says:
She had nothing to write after all those weeks of planning and preparing. Her number two pencil just hovered there above the page for the longest time in the history of ever. I have nothing to say, I have no thoughts in my head. This is the worst thing ever.
(Character is facing down the essay section of the SAT, author was facing down November first)
September 14, 2015 — 1:45 PM
Dennis Swan says:
Oak trees swayed in the savage wind in a synchronized dance performed since time immemorial. They were ancient giants, these sentinels. Old when the first Frenchmen paddled up the river two hundred years before.
September 14, 2015 — 1:46 PM
moteridgerider says:
I like the setting here (oaks are one of my favourite trees), and the reference to the French boatmen really adds to the feeling of age. Suggestions: rather than say ‘they were ancient giants’, why not start with ‘Giant oaks swayed. You can then drop the first part of the second sentence and amplify on their nature as sentinels. Removing the repeat of ‘in’ during the first sentence would tighten the writing and give more impact too. For example – ‘Giant oaks swayed as the savage wind whipped through their creaking branches.’ Also ‘time immemorial’ is a bit of a cliche. Either think of something fresh or cut it out. A possible solution mght be – ‘These gnarled sentinels had performed their synchronised dance since …. ‘ this would lead nicely into your excellent description of the boatmen. Just my thoughts – see if any of it resonates.
September 14, 2015 — 6:22 PM
james orion says:
The girl watched the men load the trunks into a yellow moving truck.
September 14, 2015 — 1:47 PM
Ellie Mack says:
The one thing that always got me into trouble –my big mouth –was also the very thing that carved out my career.
September 14, 2015 — 1:50 PM
M T McGuire says:
Love this one. It piqued my interest and you get a feel for the character.
September 14, 2015 — 1:57 PM
S. K. Bright says:
As daylight broke on the side of the hill, Chris stirred the coals of last nights campfire to awaken the warmth that had been hidden in the ashes overnight.
September 14, 2015 — 1:51 PM
M T McGuire says:
The first time the voice found me was in the bath.
September 14, 2015 — 1:58 PM
Di says:
I crouch in the dirt. My stomach flips like a gymnast. Even in the darkest part of the weeds, I hate full moons.
September 14, 2015 — 2:02 PM
Di says:
Drop first two sentences?
September 14, 2015 — 2:57 PM
thatcalamity says:
I think so, the ‘flips like a gymnast’ is a bit out of place, unless you’re going for a satire?
September 14, 2015 — 3:59 PM
shadowedbreath says:
It has been fifteen days since White last killed someone and he’s on edge. If the mouthy broad doesn’t shut up soon, she’ll be next; screw the op.
September 14, 2015 — 2:03 PM
lllerner211 says:
I’m in. I want more of White. Well done!
September 14, 2015 — 3:33 PM
moteridgerider says:
Like it. This clearly isn’t a nice guy. You could strengthen ‘he’s on edge’ as it makes him seem nervous. If he’s a serial killer then the idea of pent up frustration or anger might be a better thing to aim for.
September 14, 2015 — 6:25 PM
Tamara Guirado says:
Outside Show World there was a patch of wet concrete where the janitors had thrown rock salt.
September 14, 2015 — 2:07 PM
Maggie Smith says:
if nothing else, this certainly goes to show how many writers are out there with a WIP – goodness gracious, I’m amazed!
September 14, 2015 — 2:07 PM
Timothy Allen says:
It was a rainy day in the city of Peoria Illinois, the home of “Big Yellow” or what the world calls Caterpillar.
September 14, 2015 — 2:10 PM
moteridgerider says:
Can’t fault this one. It has everything: originality, a hook, the scene history with reference to ‘Big Yellow’ and ‘Caterpillar.’ Nice one!
September 14, 2015 — 6:27 PM
C.N. Crawford says:
Ursula wiped a rag over a table, mopping up spilled beer and crisp crumbs. Most of the pubs around London’s Soho blessed their patrons with mercifully dim light. But in the Twelve Serpents, bright fluorescent bulbs highlighted every eye-bag and skin blotch in the bar. It was almost as if the owner, Dan Burke, wanted his own ineptitude with women to blight everyone who passed through its doors.
September 14, 2015 — 2:10 PM
ilheisler says:
What he noticed first was the texture, not light or color or form, only a granularity, a flaw in the perfect darkness.
September 14, 2015 — 2:11 PM
J.D. Thomas says:
Ronan stood behind me, has hands on my shoulder, leaning down to whisper in my ear.
“Imagine Vera, you could be the youngest queen in. Only fourteen, all that power you’ll have,” his smooth voice paused, “all you have to do is kill mother, and you’ll take her place. You’ll be queen, and I, I will be king. It will be glorious, ruling side by side for all eternity.” His voice sounded so alluring.
September 14, 2015 — 2:13 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Ronan feels a little heavy-handedly evil here. My thoughts would be:
-Instead of telling us his voice is smooth and alluring, show us what’s alluring about him. Why would this (older?) dude be so appealing to a 14-year-old that she’d murder her mom for him?
-I feel like “so kill your mom!” is a bit much for even Creepy Guy to lead with here? Promise her power, a relationship, glory, permanence … and THEN work in the, “oh but you have to commit matricide” deal. Build the princess up to want this before putting the cost in front of her!
September 14, 2015 — 5:51 PM
Lani says:
“Don’t look now, Kim, the Angels are falling,” is what she heard as her wings ignited.
September 14, 2015 — 2:22 PM
Marie says:
If anyone has the stamina to read yet another, here you go!
In later years, December 21, 2027, became known as the day the earth gave up.
September 14, 2015 — 2:23 PM
moteridgerider says:
Not bad. I’d be sure to read on. OK, so I don’t know the context here, therefore it’s difficult to suggest things. My initial reaction is – what does the giving up represent? Is it a surrender, as in alien invasion? Or was earth’s population striving to prevent a catastrophe e.g. global warming running rampant? It promises much, but I think you’ve thrown in the punchline too early. A slower build up would build more tension. Or maybe you could introduce a contrast e.g. ‘December 21st, 2027 was the day that marked a watershed. Some described it as the day that pragmatism held sway over idealism. I remember it as the day earth surrendered/gave up. Again, this might be taking your story off at a tangent, but something to heighten the drama would make your ‘good’ opening line into a great one.IMO.
September 14, 2015 — 6:42 PM
Miriam Joy says:
“I didn’t go to university to become a knight.”
😉
September 14, 2015 — 2:29 PM
heroservice says:
Like this
September 14, 2015 — 2:46 PM
Miriam Joy says:
Thanks! 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 5:42 PM
heroservice says:
My elf costume was itchy.
September 14, 2015 — 2:36 PM