The opening sentence to a story (be it a short story all the way up to a novel) matters. It’s the first bullet fired in a war — you don’t have to kill the enemy leader with it, but you also oughta make it count. It’s the line that hooks the reader. The line that sets everything up. It’s the first thing the reader sees upon stepping into the world you’ve created.
So, it’s worth getting it right.
Let’s workshop your opening line.
Take the opening line to something you’re writing / have written and, if comfortable, share it below in the comments. Then, others will have at it — offering what will ideally be constructive criticism (why they like it, where they think it needs improvement). If you post a line, you should also offer commentary on someone else’s opening line, because Quid pro quo, Clarice.
(Now, this is an imperfect criticism because the opening line of course never actually stands alone; it exists in context with the rest of the opening page. Just the same, this should make an interesting challenge, don’t you think?)
Go forth and workshop, young wordy padawans.
LB Clark says:
Bennie had been out of work for more than a month when Skylar found the ad: “Now casting single women for new reality dating series.”
March 30, 2015 — 3:27 PM
Travis Hall says:
Detective Jenkins rolled the body over and I looked down on my own dead face for the thirteenth time.
March 30, 2015 — 3:31 PM
sarahharringtonbooks says:
So intriguing! You’ve got me hooked!
March 30, 2015 — 3:41 PM
ccdenham says:
This is striking, but I almost feel like the “and” weakens the impact a little. Like, maybe it would have more oomph if they were two short, separate sentences. I think that depends on the rest of the paragraph, though.
March 30, 2015 — 3:42 PM
Travis Hall says:
How about:
When Detective Jenkins rolled the body over I looked down on my own dead face for the thirteenth time.
March 30, 2015 — 3:45 PM
ccdenham says:
Between the two, I like the first one better!
March 30, 2015 — 4:11 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
What about leaving Jenkins out of it til the second sentence? ‘I looked down on my own dead face for the thirteenth time.’
March 31, 2015 — 1:07 AM
Malena Fuentes says:
I would start the sentence “I looked down on…”
March 30, 2015 — 4:58 PM
Tracy says:
What if it was just “I looked down on my own dead face for the thirteenth time”?
March 31, 2015 — 12:21 AM
Mark Matthews says:
Streaks of grey were sprouting in my pony-tail, hardly noticeable in most lights, but the fluorescent bulbs of hospital hallways made the wiry strings glow like neon.
March 30, 2015 — 3:31 PM
Travis Hall says:
This is a great visual, but it really needs the next sentence to establish whether it is good or not.
March 30, 2015 — 3:46 PM
Noel says:
I love the image of how the light brings out the hair. BUT I’m puzzled how the speaker could know what his or her ponytail looked like so clearly–wasn’t it behind them?
“Were sprouting” throws me out slightly–it’s not instantly grammatically clear whether it refers to the ongoing over-the-course-of-years scenario you mean, or something more immediate. (“Tentacles were sprouting from his head as I watched!”) Also not sure sprouting is the most evocative word, since the streaks aren’t exactly sprouting–they’re already there.
The only other thing, which I can’t really pronounce on because I don’t know the story … IS the fact that the narrator’s hair is graying the important image to start on? It may well be, if the story is about their vanity, or their increasing age and the complications thereof, or something similar. But if that isn’t central, this may be a beautiful image for later in the story rather than the thing you lead with.
March 30, 2015 — 5:31 PM
Mark Matthews says:
Thanks folks! Story does start looking in the mirror. (bad, right?). Psychiatrist in the psych hospital bathroom, and the fact that she’s worked there for 15 years is significant as the theme of ‘psych hospital as fortress’ versus social workers who do the ‘true work’ on the street is a contrast. Outside the bathroom, a psychotic patient needs a take-down and a haldol injection just moments after this.
March 31, 2015 — 8:35 AM
Peter B. says:
My takeaway from this thread is that some opening lines simply don’t stand on their own—nor do they need to. Not every story benefits from a hook-y first sentence.
March 30, 2015 — 3:38 PM
SophieTaylor says:
Too true… looking back at the books I love, it’s the summaries and blurbs that draw me in, I don’t mind how it starts on a sentence by sentence basis, I’ll give it a go if it got me to pick it up with the story.
March 31, 2015 — 9:38 AM
sarahharringtonbooks says:
First line of my YA Sci-Fi – Some Timekeepers saw the Schedules as a rigid set of rules never to be broken, but I thought that was ridiculous. A little bit of creative interpretation never hurt anyone.
March 30, 2015 — 3:40 PM
Matt Black says:
Sounds like this will be fun. I like it.
March 31, 2015 — 10:28 AM
upickdandelions says:
“Dawneva rearranged her charm bracelet, glancing at the cross in the collection.” (Erotic Romance)
March 30, 2015 — 3:40 PM
mangacat201 says:
John Barnabas Bracken is not a good man – but then, he would never have attested such a state for himself, nor does he particularly aspire to it.
March 30, 2015 — 3:51 PM
Sarah says:
I like it, and this is one of the very, very few times I like the use of the adverb. I think it enhances the humor of the sentence. (At least I’m hoping that humor is what you’re going for!)
March 30, 2015 — 3:59 PM
mangacat201 says:
Humor’s not the first the first association I would have made (though I definitely like even my drama with a good helping of tongue-in-cheekiness), but I think it’s interesting that you went there – I don’t mind, I can definitely see it. I guess it’s really dependent on the context to get a line on the finer nuances, of him being in a situation were being a good man is not going to help him much, but that is alright. Thank you for letting me know it got an adverb-exception. too *g*.
March 30, 2015 — 4:33 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
Try it without the “but then”. See how it tastes. So hard to tell out of context.
March 30, 2015 — 4:25 PM
mangacat201 says:
Hmmm… I do like the mental beat it gives (my) reading. And taking it out would also shave off a nuance that I’d really like to keep on how being a good man does or does not lend itself any usefulness to the situation. I have to also admit though, that I cheated and this was actually two separate sentences, but I felt like leaving the second part out would make the first line seem utterly mundane and done to death.
March 30, 2015 — 4:39 PM
Sara says:
I agree with removing ‘but then’. I feel like the adverb gives it a bit of a high brow feel, along with the use of ‘attested’. To me, adding ‘but then’ just makes the tone a little pretentious and overdramatic.
On the bright side, I love books that start out like this! It has that tongue-in-cheek quality that makes for a fun satire or hilariously unfortunate, yet witty, string of events 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 4:44 PM
mangacat201 says:
Thank you for the feedback, I’ll ponder it some more!
March 31, 2015 — 3:19 PM
mangacat201 says:
I agree, the second version feels much better to read. It starts out vaguely genre innocuous and then turns with an unexpected twist. Certainly makes me want to know more of the story!
March 30, 2015 — 3:58 PM
Leif Husselbee says:
To whom it may concern:
That sounds about right seeing as how I have no one to leave this to.
March 30, 2015 — 4:09 PM
Matt Black says:
I think I’m a little confused. Is this reply letter/email? If so, you should probably put a RE: somewhere in there.
March 31, 2015 — 1:11 PM
leifthesailor says:
I actually start the story off with a letter.
March 31, 2015 — 4:47 PM
mangacat201 says:
This is lovely, evocative and intriguing. I definitely want to know the rest of the story.
March 30, 2015 — 4:14 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
Bullets put a strain on trade negotiations. No getting around it.
March 30, 2015 — 4:21 PM
mangacat201 says:
This made me chuckle with schadenfreudiger glee. Definitely a good way to get me started on a book.
March 30, 2015 — 4:24 PM
Bethany Skidmore says:
I like that you’re establishing a voice so early in the story. The sarcasm is strong with this one 🙂 good job!!
March 30, 2015 — 4:45 PM
ajturnwall says:
I’m intrigued as to what the rest of the book is about. Kind of hoping we’re mid firefight.
March 30, 2015 — 4:51 PM
MG says:
That’s two sentences, not your opening one. If I may, ‘No getting around the fact that bullets and dead bodies put a strain on trade negotiations.’
March 30, 2015 — 5:01 PM
Noel says:
Given that it’s short enough to literally fit on one line, I think it counts well enough as a first line.
For my money, I prefer the original. It’s snappier, and it feels like it shows a wry, snippy, cynical, funny narrator quite well. Sets the tone as staccato and fast-paced.
March 30, 2015 — 5:39 PM
Matt Black says:
Awesome. I’d definitely keep reading. What is this called?
March 30, 2015 — 6:23 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
Thanks, Matt. This is from one I’m working on titled “Culture Crash”. It’s getting long. If I hurry, I might finish the final draft before I die. Thank you, Noel, you hit the nail on the head. I felt I needed to present both sentences to communicate the effect that I was going for. And thanks for the suggestion, MG. There was no way for you to know, but no one actually gets hit (in this scene). Chuck reminded me one day that rules are for breaking, I tend to do that here rather a lot, I’m afraid.
March 30, 2015 — 10:54 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
P.S. Thanks, too, to Mangacat, for ‘schadenfreudiger’. Had to look that one up, what an awesome word. Those Germans!
March 30, 2015 — 10:58 PM
mangacat201 says:
Sorry, it was late and I couldn’t find the proper English word for the situation in my hodgepodge brain *g* but I do like introducing people to new things. Though I’m native, German’s not my prefered writing language, but it IS good for expressive statements.
March 31, 2015 — 2:02 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
I checked. There is no English equivalent
March 31, 2015 — 2:46 PM
mangacat201 says:
Ehhh, well, I’m not above facilitating a bit of language migration.
March 31, 2015 — 3:13 PM
heff76 says:
I love this! What a great opening line.
March 31, 2015 — 1:24 PM
SophieTaylor says:
(Supernatural New Adult WIP)
“Family emergency,” Kai snapped into the phone, as he spritzed his pot plants with an itching trigger finger, “But, yes, I’m sure your request for a Concentration Charm is much more important.”
March 30, 2015 — 4:31 PM
Bethany Skidmore says:
The first time I saw her, she was sitting on my front lawn.
March 30, 2015 — 4:43 PM
Matt Black says:
Evocative… if this is the first sentence, you might want to replace “her” with her name.
March 31, 2015 — 1:12 PM
authormilligib says:
Women came and went; his office chair was for keeps.
March 30, 2015 — 4:44 PM
Matt Black says:
Awesome! Definitely a bit sardonic, love it.
April 2, 2015 — 4:53 PM
daniel quentin steele says:
REGARDING TRAVIS HALL: Your opening sentence was a great time loop sf opening. The use of the ’13’ made more of an impression. But I have to agree you didn’t need the ‘and’. Two short punchy sentences work better.
THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR. bUT IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED:
THE CURRENCY OF TIME
I could have expected a lot of things.
I could have expected to go down in a plane crash. It happens to a lot of those men – and lately women – whose business puts them in the air a lot, chasing the sweet smell of crude across oceans and continents, countries and mountains and swamps. And through some of the greediest, most gun-happy thugs you’ll find anywhere in the third and fourth worlds.
I could have expected cancer. It took out my dad at 57. He’d been a strong, unstoppable workhorse of a man, until lung cancer destroyed a man who in the ultimate bad joke, never took a puff in his life. The doctors who detected it and treated it and fought it with him, told him it was probably exposure to all the chemicals you’re exposed to hunting oil across the globe.
In the end it wasn’t technically cancer that got him. When he was very weak, I’d given in to his pleas and driven him out the airfield in western Jacksonville where his Cessna 170 was kept waiting for him. I helped him into the cockpit, he gave me one last hug, said, “give them hell, son,” and took off without clearance.
They found the wreckage of his plane in the Atlantic about ten miles off the Jacksonville Beach coastline the next day. They never found him. And that was the way he would have wanted to go out, not gasping for his last breaths hooked up to tubes and machines.
I went with some friends to O’Brien’s, a westside bar, and together with O’Brien who’d known my dad for 20 years, and some of his and my old friends, toasted his life and his success in ending it the way he wanted to.
I could more likely have expected to be shot by some jealous husband or boyfriend. I’m not particularly proud of my behavior as a young man. I fucked – as the expression goes – anything with a vagina that would stand still long enough for me to fuck it. Whether they were married or not was a minor consideration that didn’t particularly bother me one way or the other.
As a married man, I looked back sometimes and regretted that I had hurt a lot of people, hurt a lot of men in a way that I would hated to have been hurt myself. But at the time, I was a homing missile guided by my dick like most young men and I never once – as far as I can remember- worried about the men whose women I fucked.
I didn’t expect what life had waiting for me.
March 30, 2015 — 4:45 PM
ajturnwall says:
The thing about stories, is that sometimes, they get away from you.
(Beginning of a…not urban fantasy I guess…magical realism?)
March 30, 2015 — 4:49 PM
Sara says:
From my WIP ‘Takeover’:
In the City, the factories never stop.
March 30, 2015 — 4:49 PM
MG says:
When I touched the doorknob, I knew something was amiss.
March 30, 2015 — 4:52 PM
Noel says:
It’s not terrible, but it’s too vague for me. I feel like there’s a good chance the sentence that follows it is more to the point, and this one may be unnecessary. Even if not, I think this one could be punched up with specifics. “Knew something was amiss” feels like filler that stands between me and the sensation that gave the feeling of amiss-ness.
March 30, 2015 — 5:52 PM
Alex says:
Despite the best efforts of my late parents, when I wake up late on the first day of senior year and find that half-awake me had apparently tried to bodily muffle my phone’s alarm instead of just turning it off, it turns out that I’m not a princess after all. (Contemporary YA)
March 30, 2015 — 5:25 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Cool, a 51-word first sentence.
Despite the best efforts of my late parents, turns out that I’m not a princess after all.
(Then give us the rest. You tried to put the first scene into one sentence. No need to. This is a novel, You have time.)
April 2, 2015 — 11:29 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
PS: I forgot to delete the “that.”
April 2, 2015 — 11:32 AM
jen says:
This has been fun 🙂
OK, one more go… (epic fantasy, I guess?)
There were three nightbirds sat whirring on the fence as she stepped out into the dirt yard: three little pairs of yellow eyes gleaming in the dark.
March 30, 2015 — 5:31 PM
ajturnwall says:
I think I’d either drop the “There were” or the “Sat” for “There were three nightbirds whirring” or “Three nightbirds sat whirring”
That bit just seems a little busy. The rest I like.
March 30, 2015 — 5:33 PM
vetgirl2014 says:
‘Jesus! If this boat had a brass monkey, its balls would’ve frozen off by now and the crew would be playin’ marbles with them.
March 30, 2015 — 5:32 PM
Kiyakiy says:
I really like it!!! Sounds like a rowdy crew. I love how you tell so much about whats going on (on a ship, really cold, etc) with so little. It even made me laugh a little and I’m curious what is said next!
March 30, 2015 — 7:21 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Good line. The only thing I would offer is that the balls referred to in the brass monkey thing are canon balls. (But I guess most people don’t know that)
April 2, 2015 — 11:35 AM
Susan says:
Never in a million years, as a surrogate mother, did I think my intended parents would walk out on me (us) while I was pregnant with their twins; especially after they forced the issue to reduce the pregnancy from triplets to twins.
March 30, 2015 — 5:35 PM
abillyhiggins says:
This sentence sets up an interesting situation, but does it in a somewhat convoluted way. I tend to prefer opening sentences that have a bit of a punch. The semi-colon could work, but combined with the “as a surrogate mother,” bit, I think it’s all just a bit too much.
March 30, 2015 — 5:41 PM
Susan says:
Thanks abilly, I’ll rework it…
March 30, 2015 — 5:58 PM
Jenny Chou says:
This sounds like the summary of a really interesting book, not the opening line. Too much info, and ‘never in a million years” is a cliche. Re-work because I’d like to read it!
March 30, 2015 — 5:44 PM
Susan says:
Thanks Jenny! This helps a lot
March 30, 2015 — 5:57 PM
mildred achoch says:
Interesting sentence! I agree with what others have said. Maybe something like this would have more of an impact: They forced me to reduce the pregnancy from triplets to twins.
Reply
March 30, 2015 — 7:52 PM
Susan says:
Thank you Mildred.
March 31, 2015 — 12:22 AM
mildred achoch says:
Welcome 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 1:48 PM
J Michael Melican says:
You could lose the cliche opening, and the repetition of the twins detail:
I’d never considered that the intended parents would walk out mid-way through my surrogacy, especially after they’d forced the issue and we’d reduced the triplets to twins.
March 30, 2015 — 10:30 PM
Susan says:
Thank you J Michael, this helps me look at approach differently. Apparently it’s true that I am an expert at repetition.
March 31, 2015 — 12:22 AM
upickdandelions says:
Join the club. 🙂
I hope I’ll have the opportunity to read more of your story.
March 31, 2015 — 12:27 AM
Susan says:
Thank you upick, I’m soooooo looking forward to completing it very soon. ; )
March 31, 2015 — 12:31 AM
ajturnwall says:
“The thing about stories is that, sometimes, they get away from you.”
Actually, I think this way works better. Not a big change, but there you go.
March 30, 2015 — 5:37 PM
abillyhiggins says:
She bled stars.
March 30, 2015 — 5:41 PM
Matt Black says:
This works great as a hook, as long as you explain what you mean in the rest of the paragraph. How exactly does one bleed stars? Sounds painful.
March 30, 2015 — 5:57 PM
Kylie says:
Punchy and engaging. Reading this makes me want to know more, and to read more. It asks enough questions to keep me interested without getting overwhelming (like, literally bled stars? Are we talking balls of burning gas, or some sort of weird Christmas light or cardboard cut-out deal here?Is the narrator some kind of high-as-balls axe murderer?)
Based on that line alone, I’d pretty much read the fuck outta this story. Bonus points if it actually is a stoned psychopath with a Christmas light fetish.
March 30, 2015 — 6:11 PM
M.J. says:
I like it — a lot. Simple, direct and opens a world of questions. Pulls me right in.
March 30, 2015 — 7:29 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
This could be a beautiful beginning if you followed it by a really unusual description.
March 30, 2015 — 11:14 PM
wildbilbo says:
This makes me want to read the second sentence at least 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 11:39 PM
wildbilbo says:
…by which I mean mission accomplished, this is a pretty good hook.
(Hit post too early)
March 30, 2015 — 11:40 PM
Brent McGuffin says:
Definitely makes you want to keep reading.
March 31, 2015 — 12:01 AM
mangacat201 says:
That is PERFECT. Short, no nonsense, but a powerful image!
March 31, 2015 — 1:57 AM
W.E.M. says:
A blast of shotgun pellets shredded a low hanging branch over the dark, rain slicked road.
March 30, 2015 — 5:51 PM
Matt Black says:
Definitely intriguing. Why is someone shooting at a tree?
Suggestion: I would have gone with “A shotgun blast shredded…” instead of “A blast of shotgun pellets shredded…” but that’s just me.
March 30, 2015 — 5:56 PM
izzy-grabs-life says:
I agree. This is interesting, but who shot it? Consider adding a name or a strong yet brief description of the person/thing (maybe two to three words).
March 30, 2015 — 10:34 PM
Dani says:
The floating slums were ablaze; crisp linens that hung from lines interwoven between the buildings waved in surrender to the fire before being eaten by the flames.
March 30, 2015 — 6:07 PM
Kaye Rumson says:
The idea of floating slums intrigues me. “That hung from lines interwoven betweeen the buildings” seems a bit too convoluted and long. I had to reread several times. I like how the linens waved in surrender before the flames got them. It would definitely intrigue me enough that I would read more.
March 30, 2015 — 7:03 PM
Dani says:
Thanks, I’ll try to reword that phrase a bit.
March 31, 2015 — 1:39 AM
M.J.Carlson says:
Hmmm, nice imagery. I think I would break the sentence, replace the semicolon with a period, and cut a couple of words — “The floating slums were ablaze. Crisp linens hanging from lines interwoven between the buildings waved in surrender to the flames.” Keeps the image simpler.
March 30, 2015 — 7:04 PM
J Michael Melican says:
I like the image of ‘floating slums’ and of the linens as surrender flags, but the line as a whole doesn’t work for me. ‘interwoven’ is discordant.
March 30, 2015 — 10:33 PM
Dani says:
Thank you. I had “in between” at first, but didn’t like the sound of that, so I changed it to “interwoven” to play with the linen reference.
It is a city in its death throes, but I think you need a bit more than the first line to get that more complete image.
March 31, 2015 — 1:41 AM
wildbilbo says:
I like this a lot, waving in surrender is great. ‘that hung’ feels off – what about replacing it with hanging? i.e.
‘…crisp linens hanging from clotheslines woven between buildings waved in surrender before…’
March 31, 2015 — 1:16 AM
Dani says:
Thanks for the input. So much for trying to be less passive tense, huh? I still ended up being passive. I wobbled a bit on both phrasings and chose the one that seemed less passive.
March 31, 2015 — 1:43 AM
Eric Pederson (@Pederson_writes) says:
“The longer the American stayed in Barcelona, the more French he spoke.”
March 30, 2015 — 6:19 PM
mildred achoch says:
Iol! I love the contrast in this sentence. And it makes me want to know more about the story. Good one!
March 31, 2015 — 11:30 AM
carrienichols says:
“You better make this good. I’ve got money riding on this kiss.”
March 30, 2015 — 6:41 PM
heff76 says:
Great opening. Makes me wonder what’s going on!
March 31, 2015 — 1:27 PM
Kaye Rumson says:
Lacy Stonebridge stood in line at a Starbucks in Virginia Beach.
March 30, 2015 — 7:01 PM
Mark A. Sargent says:
I’ll be honest, it’s a bit bland. Nothing to really draw you in or get your imagination going for the rest of the book. I think you could throw in something about what she’s feeling or thinking, why she’s there (ie, there to meet someone). I’m sure something like that comes in the next few sentences, but with judicious use or abuse of commas you might be able to add something addition to the first line.
March 30, 2015 — 9:27 PM
upickdandelions says:
This is boring but I’ll bet if I got more of the opening paragraph it would be better. I won’t judge your story on just the first sentence.
March 30, 2015 — 9:28 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
It would be more intriguing if you added detail to the end of your sentence. Like, at a Starbucks in VB with a shotgun in her hand, or in a polkadot thong bikini, or plotting the demise of the barista. Something to punch it up.
March 30, 2015 — 9:34 PM
Kaye Rumson says:
Plotting the demise of the barista, lol! I agree it’s bland without the next couple of sentences. My favorite opening sentence is from John Varley’s novel, Steel Beach. This obviously doesn’t have that kind of punch. Will consider rewriting it.
March 30, 2015 — 9:46 PM
wildbilbo says:
It’s way tough to judge on a single line, but I think its a bit passive too. perhaps if Lucy wasn’t just …standing? Is it a long line? Is she waiting for her coffee patiently, or is she frustrated? Is it moving quickly or slowly? For example:
The line at the Virginia Beach Starbucks shunted forward with a frustrating slowness, grinding at Lacy’s temper like so many coffee beans.
Cheers
KT
March 30, 2015 — 11:36 PM
upickdandelions says:
That’s really good advice.
March 31, 2015 — 12:30 AM
Sarah Harrington says:
First line of my YA Sci-Fi – Some Timekeepers saw the Schedules as a rigid set of rules never to be broken, but I thought that was ridiculous. A little bit of creative interpretation never hurt anyone.
March 30, 2015 — 7:06 PM
Lani says:
I realized two things when I jumped off that building: Redbull does not, in fact, give you wings, and calling Mark Hernandez a cocksucking Fucknugget was not one of my wiser decisions.
March 30, 2015 — 7:08 PM
Kaye Rumson says:
I love this.
March 30, 2015 — 7:23 PM
M.J. says:
I like it. Good conflict and choice profanity. However, unless jumping is really important, I would start more like: “As I plummeted through the (crisp/blue/etc.) (month/day/season) air, I realized Redbull does not, in fact, give you wings and calling Mark Hernandez a cocksucking fucknugget was not one of my wiser decisions.” This drops a colon, gives us a setting, leaves how the plummet started (jumped/pushed) open, and changes the sentence from telling us to showing us.
March 30, 2015 — 7:25 PM
Lani says:
Thank you very much, for both liking it and offering such good advice 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 2:33 PM
Rod says:
This has me asking a few questions. First, why is this person jumping off the building? Second, who is this person, what’s their name, what do they do? Why is their boss a cocksucking Fucknugget? Last, but not least, why was that not wise?
Lots of questions. That’s s good start, I certainly hope that some of them are answered in the next few lines. That sentence would get me to move on to the next.
Concerns: Why is Fucknugget capitalized? Another concern is that you seem to have two separate ideas with nothing to divide them. I think there should be a semi-colon in this section: “…give you wings; and calling…”. It think the pause would help to process that the first is in jest, the second idea was more serious, while also denoting that the two things are not directly related.
While I don’t ordinarily stop reading after an umimpressive first sentance, this one does encourage me to read furter. A bit of polish may be needed. IMHO.
March 30, 2015 — 7:29 PM
Lani says:
I didn’t meant to capitalize fucknugget haha, I typed that on my iPhone and it automatically capitalized it. Thank you very much!
March 31, 2015 — 2:35 PM
mildred achoch says:
Good one! Although I worry about your use of a brand name 🙂 Are there any legal issues to be considered regarding the mention of brand names in novels/short stories?
March 30, 2015 — 7:32 PM
Lani says:
I’m actually not sure! I don’t intend to get this published, though, it was a short story I wrote when I was fourteen and was just for fun haha. So I don’t think Redbull would sue me. *crosses fingers*
March 31, 2015 — 2:37 PM
mildred achoch says:
Of course if Redbull sued you that would be great publicity 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 4:13 PM
Lani says:
Ha, yes!!!
April 1, 2015 — 7:37 PM
Sarah Bewley says:
I love this.
March 30, 2015 — 7:45 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
So, he jumped off? Or he was pushed off? I’m suppose the next sentences will illustrate which. But otherwise, I like this just like it is.
March 30, 2015 — 7:48 PM
upickdandelions says:
He? Or she?
March 31, 2015 — 12:32 AM
Lani says:
She 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 2:38 PM
Nat says:
This makes me want to read the rest. Like, right now.
March 30, 2015 — 9:02 PM
SC Rose says:
Yes, I’m with the rest of these people. I LOVE this. It’s hilarious. I want to find out why that was such a bad idea and what Mark Hernandez has to do with him jumping off of a building. I’m already hooked! Bravo! And, it totally reminds me of the Deadpool comics, which are just my favorite things ever.
March 30, 2015 — 10:57 PM
Lani says:
I have heard of those before, I think my dad reads them haha. Thank you!
March 31, 2015 — 2:32 PM
Brent McGuffin says:
So many reasons to keep reading this. Good job!!
March 31, 2015 — 12:04 AM
Creatopath says:
I think this is a great opening line. I want to read more to find out what’s going on. Plus, it’s very funny.
March 31, 2015 — 7:35 AM
M.J. says:
Nicole Piricelli’s eyes opened to darkness.
March 30, 2015 — 7:11 PM
Kylie says:
It’s an unspoken rule that you should never laugh at crime scenes, but here we are, looking at the corpse strung up between the gum trees and smothering giggles like drunks on a hens night.
March 30, 2015 — 7:12 PM
Kiyakiy says:
I sat, cocooned in blankets, just outside the fortune teller’s shop.
March 30, 2015 — 7:22 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
I think I might like to see something weighty added onto the end, assuming the fortune teller’s shop holds some significance. So something like, I sat cocooned in blankets outside the fortune teller’s shop, [waiting for something to happen, or for someone to show up, etc.]. Just give us a little more.
March 30, 2015 — 7:51 PM
Emily says:
Really cool. For some reason it makes me think of Wizard of the Pigeons! But it might not need the two commas? Depending on the next sentence, or if it was something like: “I sat [e.g, cross-legged], cocooned in blankets, just outside…” I’m a fan of the Oxford comma but without them the sentence feels more matter-of-fact.
March 30, 2015 — 9:47 PM
mildred achoch says:
Glass shards floated in slow motion, like confetti, giving a festive air to an event that was anything but.
March 30, 2015 — 7:27 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
On its own, I think this is okay, but I’d like to see something punchier at the end. Glass shards is already a signal that something is very wrong, but then we’re kind of let down at the end because it’s not descriptive. An event that was anything but [festive]. Maybe something like: a festive air to an event that [signaled the apocalypse/would land me in the E.R. for six hours/would send my life into a downward spiral I couldn’t get out of]. You get the idea. Just something more descriptive and weighty and unexpected.
March 30, 2015 — 7:55 PM
mildred achoch says:
Thanks so much for your comment! Well, allow me to share the next two sentences. Do they deliver on the promise made by the opening sentence? 🙂 “The baseball bat in the girl’s hands slowly smashed the windshield of the red luxury car, again. This time, it completely shattered.”
March 30, 2015 — 8:05 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
Yes. I just think you might be able to do it more powerfully and with fine details, since I see a little bit of what’s happening now. In your first sentence, why the shards are flying is unanswered. But if they’re due to a bat, I don’t see them floating. I see them exploding or something more violent. So there are all kinds of way to address that, but perhaps something like:
The windshield exploded on impact, shards shooting through the air and raining like confetti across the sleek, cherry red hood of her husband’s brand new Beemer. The second swing of her Louisville Slugger annihilated what was left of the windshield–and the bat.
Obviously, I made lots of assumptions about the details. But what I’m getting at is that it just needs more oomph; descriptive, powerful words will really make this first sentence ( and the scene) stand out.
March 30, 2015 — 8:37 PM
Mildred achoch says:
Thanks! I will rewrite. 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 9:57 AM
izzy-grabs-life says:
Mildred, this opening catches my attention, but I see that you’re letting the objects (glass shards and the baseball bat) do the actions rather than the characters (the girl). This touches on active and passive writing, which can shift around the voice and tone of your story. Keep working at it. You have something here!
March 30, 2015 — 10:26 PM
mildred achoch says:
Thanks for your comment! Perceptive of you! The context is that the girl is actually being watched doing this. But yes, I will be careful with active and passive voice. 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 1:27 PM
wildbilbo says:
I agree with the previous poster, its a great start – cinematic is the word I would use here – but the last part seems clunky. The ‘anything but’ bit doesn’t work for me.
How about:
“Glass shards floated in slow motion, a deceptively festive shower of glittering confetti.”
Cheers
KT
March 31, 2015 — 1:21 AM
mildred achoch says:
Cinematic? Perceptive 🙂 One problem I have writing this novel is that I am writing it more as a screenplay than a novel, probably because I am more of a screenwriter than novelist. I like your rewrite. Thanks!
March 31, 2015 — 10:04 AM
Rod says:
“This is me pretending to be a normal person.”
I’m not sure how well this works completely out of context, I am aware that it does not stand up well on it’s own and needs a good supporting paragraph. For those that don’t mind a bit of a cheat:
“This is me pretending to be a normal person. I am in fact a high pressure containment vessel for insanity, if breeched there is a good chance I’ll drive everyone in my vicinity completely nuts. That’s what the warning label tattooed on my back side says. Honestly, the tattoo is really there, and I really do drive people nuts. Take for example my boss, I haven’t had a chance to say hello and by the look on his face I can see that his temper is about to be let off its chain.”
Untitled W.I.P.
March 30, 2015 — 7:34 PM
mildred achoch says:
I think the sentence stands on its own It is intriguing. Insanity is interesting. Pretence is interesting. Honesty is interesting: the character knows it is all an act. And now I as the reader want to know why the character is pretending to be normal. I think the sentence after this first one takes away he impact of the opening sentence. Show me his/her insanity, don’t tell it to me 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 7:47 PM
Rod says:
It is telling up front, but believe me before you get off the first page you would see that my character has issues with fitting into the idea of Normal. What I may have to do is let the first sentence stand on its own and then move the rest of the idea further into the body of work. Somewhere further down in chapter one. I want there to be a reference up front, because the character uses the containment vessel reference as a way of describing an effort to bottle up emotions and their real self. But I also want to convey up front that the character is trying to force fit themselves into what the world defines as normal like a square peg in a round hole. Obviously, its a lot to say in an opening about the character.
March 30, 2015 — 11:35 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
I love this first line. It needs something just before the second sentence though. Maybe more of an example of trying to be normal before an explanation of being insane. I don’t know if that would be plausible as a tattoo with another sentence, but just reading the beginning sounds a bit disconnected. Overall, I like where you’re going.
March 30, 2015 — 11:00 PM
Rod says:
The problem your describing seems to actually be with the wording in line three. It’s not supposed to read as the tattoo verbatim but the general idea restated differently. Warning: High Pressure Vessel for Insanity. Do not Breech. Another character actually reads the words out load in a later scene. But as above, I think in order to clean this mess up I’m going to have to move the references down further into the body of the work and use it as a condensed description of what has already been seen. All good advice though, I can see how that would help to improve the opening in general.
March 30, 2015 — 11:44 PM
ceswiedler says:
I posted this earlier but it got eaten, I think? For a middle-grade sci-fi novel.
Michael Prasad went from Having a Dad to Not Having a Dad in the middle of a conversation. And really, it wasn’t even that much of a conversation.
March 30, 2015 — 8:12 PM
Lani says:
I really like this! It’s unusual and draws me in, although maybe you could add a bit more…impact to the last sentence? Maybe it’s just me, but I expected a bit of action I guess.
Maybe something like: “…wasn’t even that much of a conversation. A couple broken words in between punches/screaming/something like that.”
Of course I understand if this doesn’t fit the rest of the following sentences, and I apologize if I assumed anything incorrectly.
April 1, 2015 — 7:43 PM
pinklightsabre says:
It’s not too much a stretch to say the last 22 years of my life were defined by a misunderstanding of something I wrote at the top of a job application.
March 30, 2015 — 8:19 PM
upickdandelions says:
Intriguing. I want to know more about this person.
March 30, 2015 — 9:24 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
First, too much of A stretch? I like this line because it’s intriguing and funny, and it saves the punchline for the last. 22 years of a life defined by a misunderstanding . . . of a remark on a job app? That contrast is why it works. I hope your next sentences explain or allude to what the misunderstanding is and what the character wrote.
March 30, 2015 — 9:31 PM
Anthony Elmore says:
“Shi-,” Annette Boeing gasped as the flagstone slipped from her hands and would soon regret wearing open toed sandals
March 30, 2015 — 8:29 PM
Noel says:
I love how the sentence progresses–we know there’s a problem from the curtailed swear, we see the moment of the flagstone slipping, and then I actually wince in my feet as I finish the line.
The only problem I see is grammatical–the way it’s constructed, it’s the flagstone that will soon regret wearing open-toed sandals, not Annette. (“… slipped from her hands, and she regretted wearing open-toed sandals”? Or something like that?)
March 30, 2015 — 8:35 PM
Anthony Elmore says:
Noted. I was mussing around with it too much to read it aloud. ““Shi-,” Annette Boeing gasped as the flagstone slipped from her hands, and she would soon regret wearing open toed sandals.
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 PM
izzy-grabs-life says:
Or even split the split so each part has that great punch. Here’s a rough example:
“Shi-” Annette Boeing gasped as the flagstone slipped from her hands. Why’d she have to wear open-toed sandals today?
March 30, 2015 — 10:13 PM
Anthony Elmore says:
That could work. She’s a recently divorced woman taking on a gardening project. She’s christian so she tries not to swear. It seems things have been slipping out of her hands recently, and she struggles to take hold. The book is about her really letting go. Steals a car, shoots at her ex hubby’s GF, and takes revenge against the church that abandoned her.
March 31, 2015 — 12:18 PM
Mark A. Sargent says:
Always nervous about sharing stuff like this, which is odd, because it’s meant to be read eventually, eh? This is from a fantasy western I’m working on: Katherine Bishop, Arbiter of the Frontier Territories, got back on her horse and indicated a direction with a thrust of her chin, “Tracks head that way.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:02 PM
Sam says:
There’s a lot of stuff to like in this. It has some world-building, a sense of grit, and some short, punchy writing that even manages to give a sense of the character. You shouldn’t be so nervous.
My only criticism is that the dialogue at the end doesn’t feel like it should be part of this sentence. The comma after chin just feels weird to me. But I suspect that might just be personal preference.
March 30, 2015 — 10:33 PM
SC Rose says:
I know exactly what you mean! I call my writings my “brain babies”, because they take a lot of work and you love them! And we’re all overprotective of our babies lol.
First off, I have to say a fantasy western just sounds amazing. So you’ve got me with that. And your sentence has me intrigued! What is she tracking? Why is she tracking it? Where in the universe is she? I would definitely continue reading to see where this is going! I would suggest using something besides “indicated a direction” to simplify the sentence and maybe offer something more specific. Just a little rewording for better flow. But other than that, I’ve think you’ve got something here that sounds fun and interesting! I like it!
March 31, 2015 — 12:21 AM
Dani says:
The impression I got from this is that she doesn’t really know which direction to head in, so she arbitrarily picks one. It may all come down to the use of “a direction” implying any old direction at all would do vs saying “the direction” which is used to exclude any possibilities of other directions. Other than that quibble, I liked it very much and want to know more about the story–in other words, I’d keep reading because you’d piqued my interest.
March 31, 2015 — 1:52 AM
Mark A. Sargent says:
Thanks for the feedback all. I definitely get what you’re saying about the wording with “indicated” and the vagueness of the direction. Also, funny thing, I originally had the dialogue separated out, but thought it worked better attached to the sentence. Guess I was wrong. :p
March 31, 2015 — 12:57 PM
Nat says:
“The funny thing about life after the apocalypse, is that nothing really changes.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:07 PM
married2arod says:
Oh this is a good opener. I like short punchy first lines that hook you right in.
March 30, 2015 — 9:17 PM
upickdandelions says:
I like this. My assumption is that I’ll be reading a post-appocolyptic retrospective, perhaps with a bit of sarcastic humour.
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 PM
Fragrant Liar says:
I hope your next lines explain why. This is a good opener, if so, because you don’t expect the end of the sentence at all. Nice backloading twist. Also, I find it incongruent that there could be something funny about an apocalypse, which is what makes it stand out (and funny).
March 30, 2015 — 9:27 PM
mangacat201 says:
I love this, it’s non-chalant and dead-pan, with twist!
March 31, 2015 — 2:05 AM
mildred achoch says:
Nice! You play with the reader’s expectations. We assume life after the Apocalypse will be completely different. The line makes want to know how life will still be the same as before. Good one!
March 31, 2015 — 1:58 PM
Nat says:
Thanks for all the feedback! I’m indeed using the next lines to back up the first as Fragrant Liar encourages. Otherwise it would just be a big tease. 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 4:49 PM
married2arod says:
It was happening again.
March 30, 2015 — 9:08 PM
Emily says:
“You’d better take that off.”
(Dialogue opening, it goes on to explain the who/what/where/why immediately after, I swear!)
March 30, 2015 — 9:36 PM
Raddence says:
“Could the thing outside hear her heart pounding?”
March 30, 2015 — 9:53 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
A simple start from my WIP, Never, told from the perspective of an 8 year old:
I will never sleep.
March 30, 2015 — 9:55 PM
SC Rose says:
Dude… I can already totally relate to this 8-year-old. And the fact that this opening line is connected to an 8-year-old makes me all the more curious to read it!
March 30, 2015 — 10:52 PM
upickdandelions says:
Give him ten years, then he’ll say, “I will always sleep.”
March 31, 2015 — 12:35 AM
evoletyvaine says:
In my Other Life, I was writing YA and working on a trilogy that I’ve put to the side momentarily. This is the opening line from Book One:
“I’m meeting two undercover FBI agents in Central Park today.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:56 PM
upickdandelions says:
Why does the MC know these people are agents? Why is he blowing their cover?
March 31, 2015 — 12:38 AM
izzy-grabs-life says:
I should’ve hidden Dad’s keys.
March 30, 2015 — 10:05 PM
curtisbausse says:
OK! Short, but intriguing!
March 31, 2015 — 10:28 AM
izzy-grabs-life says:
Thanks! While it’s not the strongest sentence, I think it carries enough weight to flow into the next sentence and the next and so forth. ^_^
April 2, 2015 — 10:09 AM
Sam says:
Rural highways had a certain end-of-the-world flair in the breathless days of summer.
March 30, 2015 — 10:37 PM
mildred achoch says:
I totally agree with this sentence! I like it because it immediately mentions the location (rural highway), the time (summer) and gives us a hint of the genre. I imagine this to be the opening of a horror story or an apocalyptic story. I guess it could also be the opening of a romance story gone wrong? (That old Skeeter Davis song about the end of the world comes to mind). I definitely would want to read this story, if only to find out why the narrator chose to make this very interesting observation about rural highways in Summer 🙂
March 31, 2015 — 1:36 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
This put right back on so many highways I’ve driven in Texas. Really good sentence!
April 2, 2015 — 11:42 AM
SC Rose says:
“The dark creature stood underneath the gray sky above her vacant form, his broken helmet in his hand at his side.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:51 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
This almost reminds me of an eerie Greek myth. I would definitely keep reading. Just a quick suggestion: all the prepositions get a little confusing in one sentence. I would break it up into smaller ones. What’s your storyline? I’m intrigued.
March 30, 2015 — 11:10 PM
SC Rose says:
Okay, I tried to comment back earlier, but I don’t know if it worked… If you get two, nearly identical comments back from me, I’m sorry!
So here I go… Trying to remember what I said…
First – Yay!!! The fact that you want to know more, makes me SO happy. Thank you for pointing out the prepositions. I grew up in a hillbilly town in the middle of nowhere. Football coaches taught English. You were considered smart if you simply graduated high school. So, grammar is not my strong suit… Which can get frustrating when you want to be a writer lol.
My story is about an advanced race of humans that in a desperate moment, set out to create the perfect, living weapon. In the process, they accidentally create the fountain of youth. It runs in the blood of their creations. Over time, the eternal youth corrupts the people, and the creatures meant to be weapons of war become more compassionate than those who created them. There’s a lot more to it, but that’s the very basic premise. It’s very dark. But there is a lot of humor in the dialogue that helps lighten it – well, I think it’s funny. Hopefully I’m not the only person out there that gets my weird sense of humor.
And then I hear of stuff coming out that sounds like what I’m working on and I freak out, “NO! Mine!! I thought of it first!!”
Now I’m curious. Which Greek myth did this make you think of? I love that stuff!
March 30, 2015 — 11:58 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
Your storyline is very interesting, and new. I was actually thinking of the birth of Athena. Zeus had a “splitting” headache and it was ordered that his head be chopped open with an axe. Athena emerged from his skull. The dark creature was Zeus in my mind, and the vacant form Athena. I made the connection mostly off of the broken helmet, which made me think of Zeus’ head being split.
I really like your plot. It’s just the kind of thing I like. I would love to hear from you if you ever got published.
Btw thanks for the comment on my first sentence.
March 31, 2015 — 7:11 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
Your storyline is very interesting, and new. At first I thought your first sentence just sounded mythical and dark, but I also made a rather far-fetched connection to the birth of Athena. From what I remember, Zeus had a “splitting” headache and it was ordered that his head be chopped open with an axe. When the order was carried out, Athena emerged from his skull. The dark creature was Zeus in my mind, and the vacant form Athena. I made the connection mostly off of the broken helmet though, which reminded me of Zeus’ head being split open.
I love your plot, and it sounds like just the sort of thing I would read. I would be happy to hear from you if you ever got published, or just wanted to bounce an idea off someone!!
Btw, thanks for the comment on my first sentence.
March 31, 2015 — 10:45 PM
Saxon Kennedy says:
I don’t know why this posted twice… Apologies.
March 31, 2015 — 10:47 PM
SC Rose says:
Lol! It’s all good. No worries. I’m just happy I’m not the only one that happens to sometimes! Lol
I remember that myth! I can totally see how this would make you think of that! I definitely take it as a compliment. Myths have a feel to them just in and of themselves that’s kind of magical, so if it brings something like that to mind, then that’s awesome!
Yay!! Thanks! 😀 That makes me happy. If I ever get published, I’ll definitely let you know! 🙂 And I’m always open to having someone to bounce ideas off of!
And you’re very welcome! I’ve never felt like I completely grew up. I relate more to my kids than I do most adults lol and plus I’m an insomniac! So all I needed was that little bit of info and I was like – Yep. I can already relate. I would love to know more about it!
If you ever want to bounce ideas back and forth, you can always e-mail me: gyshmah@hotmail.com
April 3, 2015 — 1:17 AM
Brent McGuffin says:
Yes. It does grab the attention. I do have to say that I don’t think you need both underneath and above. One of those should cover the other if you know what i mean.
March 31, 2015 — 12:00 AM
SC Rose says:
Yay!!! I’m glad! That makes me happy. Hmm… Yes, I see exactly what you mean. I know just how to fix it. Thank you so much! This is all so helpful! Yay!!
March 31, 2015 — 12:04 AM