The opening sentence to a story (be it a short story all the way up to a novel) matters. It’s the first bullet fired in a war — you don’t have to kill the enemy leader with it, but you also oughta make it count. It’s the line that hooks the reader. The line that sets everything up. It’s the first thing the reader sees upon stepping into the world you’ve created.
So, it’s worth getting it right.
Let’s workshop your opening line.
Take the opening line to something you’re writing / have written and, if comfortable, share it below in the comments. Then, others will have at it — offering what will ideally be constructive criticism (why they like it, where they think it needs improvement). If you post a line, you should also offer commentary on someone else’s opening line, because Quid pro quo, Clarice.
(Now, this is an imperfect criticism because the opening line of course never actually stands alone; it exists in context with the rest of the opening page. Just the same, this should make an interesting challenge, don’t you think?)
Go forth and workshop, young wordy padawans.
Alex Hewitt says:
I’m writing a few sentences because they’re short and don’t stand alone;
A rat always knows when she’s in with weasels. And Jordyn Rakasha was definitely a rat, fairly certain she was surrounded by weasels.
March 30, 2015 — 7:06 AM
Clementine Danger says:
I know it’s short, but that first sentence really does stand on its own merits. It’s clever. It’s something I can see myself dropping in conversation. I made a mental note to remember that phrase, so that’s great.
Honestly I would just stop after “definitely a rat.” I don’t know what the flow of the rest of the opening is like, but the statement is very clear and doesn’t need elaborating. A rat always knows. She is a rat. So your brain can make the logical jump that there’s weasels on its own. I would personally like it better if they were two short, factual statements, because they’re very strong on their own, very punchy, very descriptive. I like that a lot.
March 30, 2015 — 7:16 AM
Alex Hewitt says:
Thanks, that makes sense. She’s an illegal ring fighter, who got out a while ago. Her old boss’s goons have pulled jer in again.
March 30, 2015 — 7:19 AM
Clementine Danger says:
It’s weird that you would say that, because my first impulse was “apparently this Jordyn is not to be fucked with.” It’s strong, punchy language that really fits a premise like that, and probably the character too. Kudos.
March 30, 2015 — 7:37 AM
Alex Hewitt says:
Great! She isn’t to be ficked with. But she is used to that world and knows when she’s in trouble. She can keep her head. It’s a fictional world, she was a soldier and now that she’s returned, this is how she earns.
March 30, 2015 — 7:40 AM
Silk Questo says:
Good critique, I agree. Keep it punchy and it’ll be stronger.
March 30, 2015 — 1:01 PM
Madam_W says:
I like this! I’d change the punctuation a bit, but other than that, I’m hooked 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 7:16 AM
MJ says:
Good, but I would move the conjunction to the middle of the sentence, but keep the disclaimer for consistent flow: “…in with weasels. Jordyn Rakasha was definitely a rat and fairly certain she was surrounded by weasels.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:23 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
You could probably simplify the two sentences/integrate them somehow. The repetition of rat and weasels works a bit clunky, to my ear at least.
March 30, 2015 — 7:42 AM
Rachel says:
It was the same dream, night after night, a woman, the woman, giving him back his life taken by the victors.
March 30, 2015 — 7:06 AM
Madam_W says:
Hmmm, it tells a lot in only a few lines. I’d space things out a bit. Like, “It was the same dream, night after night: A woman (what does she look like? What parts of her face can he remember?) giving back the life he had lost in a bloody mess.
Or something like that.
March 30, 2015 — 7:18 AM
Rachel says:
Thank you. Its part of a short story in a larger setting, and I use the ‘woman’ bit to refer to another character who this character is indifferent, yet respectful towards.
March 30, 2015 — 7:20 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
Whatt about cutting the last few words, to the victors. You don’t have to explain everything and saying that the victors took his life doesn’t actually explain much either.
March 30, 2015 — 7:44 AM
Rachel says:
Not a bad idea. The character is Michel Nay, Marshal of France, pulled forward in time into a new body moments after he was executed by the new French regime in 1815. He is very much a man out of time, so I’m trying to convey the archaic with the vastly superior tech.
March 30, 2015 — 8:00 AM
writerggandrew says:
Really like this–definitely drew me in! Agree with the comments above, using just one “woman,” a colon, and maybe taking out the victors part.
March 30, 2015 — 8:34 AM
Silk Questo says:
Intriguing, but my eye stopped at “a woman, the woman”. Not sure you want people stopping here, sentence one should make readers keep reading.
March 30, 2015 — 1:04 PM
neonslicked says:
Crumpled and numb on the beige tile of Zane’s bathroom, head rested on the glass, I gradually become aware that the naked body on the floor is my own.
March 30, 2015 — 7:07 AM
joycronje says:
This is a good first line because it makes me curious about why this girl, whoever she is, is lying naked on Zane’s bathroom floor. Also makes me wonder whether she is a ghost, if she is aware of herself leaning against the glass and being numb and crumpled on Zane’s floor, but not aware of her own naked body… Still, a great line.
March 30, 2015 — 7:12 AM
neonslicked says:
It’s interesting you assumed the protagonist is a woman. Tell me about that :). (The protagonist is not a ghost, though.)
March 30, 2015 — 7:24 AM
joycronje says:
hmm… yes, good point. Maybe I’m projecting my gender into your writing? *blank stare*
March 30, 2015 — 7:28 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Huh. You’re right that was my completely unfounded assumption too. I think it’s because I am female, so when I read first person narratives I default to female. If “I” become aware of something, the person becoming aware is female.
I… sincerely hope that makes sense, because it reads like pronoun salad, but there you go.
March 30, 2015 — 7:40 AM
Matt Black says:
I also thought it was female.
March 30, 2015 — 8:18 AM
Andrew T says:
So did I.
March 30, 2015 — 11:28 AM
Southpaw says:
It might be the language. Gradually aware sounds like a woman whereas a man might see it and say, “Damn, I’m naked.” Or you know something like that. Or maybe we all assume only ladies would end up like that! LOL
March 30, 2015 — 5:56 PM
Jeanne Gallaher says:
Male or female, I think it’s a great opening sentence. I like the openness of the gender ambiguity because what is really important is that you have transported me into the scene through my senses. And of course, I’m curious as hell as to how all this happened to me! Ha ha!
March 30, 2015 — 8:12 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I find the sentence to be awkward, and I don’t know whether the person speaking is still attached to the body, or whether he is looking at it from above. I also think there’s too much information. It could be a great image, but the detail obscures it.
As a first sentence, you could probably delete the part about the color of the tile, whose bathroom it is, and the glass. By way of example: The body on the bathroom floor was mine. (Then fill in whatever details you think are appropriate)
March 30, 2015 — 10:12 AM
Silk Questo says:
I like the opening situation, but maybe you’re trying to do a little too much with this first sentence. Your character is aware of nuances like being crumpled and numb, the colour of the tile, the fact that her (?) head is resting on glass … yet you tell us she is only gradually becoming aware of her own body. For me this is a little counterintuitive. One great, short hook at the beginning would let you then play out this detail bit by bit, as the character gradually gains awareness.
March 30, 2015 — 1:11 PM
thomaspierson says:
I like this opening. It’s the kind of start that gives a vivid image and a good mood and leaves me with a ton of questions I have to read to answer. nice.
March 31, 2015 — 2:20 PM
Princess of Dragons says:
The watch glowed softly as the pale dawn light washed over it and the bedside table it rested on. After a few moments, out spun a wisp, its head round, eyes big and wide, with a little pointy tail.
March 30, 2015 — 7:09 AM
addy says:
interesting but too many details. I would be scared or surprised by a wisp coming out of my watch but the details make it seem relaxing.
Unless that is wha your going for, but i think you need to push a reader through the door and lock them in, but i am curious.
March 30, 2015 — 8:07 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
(My comment is only the first sentence.) This can be a compelling image, but I think it could be tightened up. Also, I don’t know whether the watch is glowing on its own accord, or whether the sunlight is making it glow.
(The last part of the sentence should be: upon which it rested.)
(From what did the wisp spin?)
March 30, 2015 — 10:21 AM
Clementine Danger says:
“Hi,” Jo said, gently tapping the thick glass with her fingernail, and after all these years part of her was still mildly disappointed when the brain in the jar didn’t respond.
March 30, 2015 — 7:10 AM
Rachel says:
Its an interesting opening, draws you in with an air of intrigue. Personally I would rearrange it slightly to the following, as it would give it more flow:
Jo tapped the the thick glass with her fingernail, “Hi”; after all these years part of her was still mildly disappointed when the brain did not respond.
March 30, 2015 — 7:13 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Yeah, that does have a better cadence. I was thinking of dropping the conjunction altogether after “fingernail.” Too many nouns!
March 30, 2015 — 7:45 AM
Kristin says:
I love this.:)
March 30, 2015 — 7:45 AM
joycronje says:
This one is awesome! Well done. I really want to know why she feels connected to the brain in a jar, who he was, who she is, why you’re writing this. I am (officially) impressed 😀 😀
March 30, 2015 — 7:16 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Official approval is the best approval! Do I get a stamp?
Also, I don’t know if that’s an actual request, so here you go: Jo is a line engineer who helps build android bodies for blank lab-grown brains. She’s sitting in the lab waiting for her colleague to put the brain in an android shell. As one does.
March 30, 2015 — 7:51 AM
addy says:
just another day at the office.
that sounds awsome. calling it now, the brain thats about to be androided up isnt blank 😀
March 30, 2015 — 8:16 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Oooh, that’d be a good one too. Not that one, but holy shit things are going down with those brains. But also psions, spaceships, cowboys, wasteland shanties, the 99ers, android terrorists, supercomputers and an eeeeevil plot (or IS IT!!?!)
Sci-fi is the best fi.
March 30, 2015 — 8:36 AM
S. A. Hunt, Novelist says:
I really like this one. “After all these years” tells a story in itself: she’s been around these sorts of things for a long time. Why? Is she a scientist? Is she a brain-collecting killer? Also, why and how would the brain respond? Moving? Telepathy? Definitely makes me want to know more.
March 30, 2015 — 9:32 AM
S. A. Hunt, Novelist says:
(And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t change the original sentence. It works for me and the semicolon in that other Reply makes for very strange syntax.)
March 30, 2015 — 9:34 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Like it – definite hook here.
March 30, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Cool brain in the jar image. It’s really two sentences, though. Period after “fingernail.” Has a lot more punch that way, and it solves the problem of it being a sentence splice.
March 30, 2015 — 10:24 AM
Silk Questo says:
Really interesting situation. Leaves me with lots of questions, which is great. Only dissonance for me is the first word. “Hi” seems somehow out of place here, and unfortunately the question it raises for me is whether Jo is pretty much a nut case. Talking to a brain that “after all these years” she knows will not answer?
March 30, 2015 — 1:17 PM
Southpaw says:
I like it! I felt sad too that the brain didn’t respond.
March 30, 2015 — 5:59 PM
married2arod says:
I think the last part of this opener was great. It’s a lot to take in, but if you center it around the brain in the jar, that’s your hook.
March 30, 2015 — 9:12 PM
suttope says:
First sentence in my current WIP – “Susan arrived at her appointment fifteen minutes early, as was her usual practise.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:12 AM
neonslicked says:
Could be shorter. What about, ‘As usual, Susan arrived at her appointment fifteen minutes early.’ Also, could be more specific- You could establish a setting (where is the appointment) within the first line, which could be nifty.
March 30, 2015 — 7:30 AM
Matt Black says:
As far as wording, I think it’s great the way it is. The only thing I would note is that this sets up the scene, but not the mood. I would make sure to add in something to set the mood in the next few sentences.
March 30, 2015 — 8:49 AM
Silk Questo says:
I wish this told me just a little more. All I know so far is that Susan is a bit over punctual.
March 30, 2015 — 1:19 PM
Tracy says:
Agreed, it might help to specify what type of appointment, and why she’s so punctual. Ex-military, uptight, eager for the appointment, etc.
March 31, 2015 — 1:01 AM
joycronje says:
Hmmm… My first line is either
“The South of the Dreur Woods crawled with men drunk on wanton bloodlust.” (Prologue)
or
“The sunset washed like an ocean of blood over the farmlands and hills in the distance.” (Chapter 1)
March 30, 2015 — 7:15 AM
Madam_W says:
Definitely number two. It’s filled with awesomesauce.
March 30, 2015 — 7:20 AM
joycronje says:
Yay for awesomesauce *high fives*
*Whispers behind hand* that’s my fav one too. go figure, right?
March 30, 2015 — 7:23 AM
Kristin says:
I vote for two!
March 30, 2015 — 7:44 AM
Matt Black says:
I find #1 to be awesomesaucier. It might be slightly more effective without “wanton”, but that could just be me.
March 30, 2015 — 8:51 AM
Taylor L Scheid says:
I like ’em both! And wanton is one of my favorite words. They both draw up some good images. 😀
March 30, 2015 — 8:57 AM
joycronje says:
to wanton or not to wanton. That is the question *sniggers*
March 30, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Taylor L Scheid says:
But the question is never “to wonton or not to wonton” because that shit is delicious.
March 30, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Matt Black says:
Mmmmm… wontons
March 30, 2015 — 3:07 PM
married2arod says:
I also go for number two.
March 30, 2015 — 9:15 PM
thomaspierson says:
As a setup, which is what a prologue is for, the first sentence is nice and solid and paints a picture that is clear but still seems distant.
The first sentence of chapter one is a page-turner. it’s immediate, vibrant, and intimate. I could get through Chapter 1 on the promise of that sentence alone.
March 31, 2015 — 2:27 PM
Madam_W says:
So cool! Okay, here we go!
“Gael enjoyed watching humans. It gave him a strange sense of power, as if he had control over them. In many ways he did, but it was when he watched people that he truly felt it.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:15 AM
Rachel says:
Intriguing. I think the last sentence could do with a slight alteration to help it flow better:
In many ways he did, though he truly felt it when he watched people (or humans depending on the below).
It gives a nice symmetry to the couplet, and puts the focus on people/humans.
March 30, 2015 — 7:24 AM
Anne Arbuthnot says:
I like it, it says so much about Gael without the need for explanation. My suggestion would be to leave the qualification out of the second sentence as it’s not necessary and keeps the sentence strong and immediate. The final sentence could simply be “Watching them he truly felt it.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:33 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
Works for me, even if you were to present only the first little sentence
March 30, 2015 — 7:51 AM
Darci Speidel says:
I really like the first line. Standing alone, it breeds questions that need answering. I agree with other posts that the other two sentences could be tighter, but the whole works to keep the reader engaged.
March 30, 2015 — 6:42 PM
thebookbeacon says:
The weapons weighed more than Margery imagined.
March 30, 2015 — 7:20 AM
Jeanne Gallaher says:
I like it. Short and simple and it puts me in the scene. Already I am curious: Why do we need heavy weapons? What are we facing? Is Margery up to this task since she had not handled these weapons before? How would I do in this situation? I wouldn’t change a thing.
March 30, 2015 — 8:18 AM
Matt Black says:
I agree, that’s a great opening line. And so true… weapons are always heavier than you expect.
March 30, 2015 — 8:45 AM
Jenny Chou says:
This gives me the feeling that Margery is in some sort of training class because the sentence doesn’t convey the urgency of an attack. If that’s the case, then I’d describe the weapons in just slightly more detail. Nothing too elaborate. A gun? A bow and arrow? Something out of sci-fi?
March 30, 2015 — 10:45 AM
Silk Questo says:
I think it should read “had imagined”, which tells us Margery has been imagining weapons in the past, but never handled them before … why? This sets up a great question.
March 30, 2015 — 1:24 PM
Borzoi says:
Justice was not blind. It had a thousand prying eyes, and every last one stared him straight in the face.
March 30, 2015 — 7:22 AM
Kristin says:
Brilliant.
March 30, 2015 — 7:47 AM
Jeanne Gallaher says:
Great scene! Tension!
I will recommend a punctuation tweak to increase the impact, perhaps: “Justice was not blind, it had a thousand prying eyes; and now every last one stared at him.” (Okay, I have a personal fondness for beginning a sentence with the word “And” but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.)
March 30, 2015 — 8:23 AM
Taylor L Scheid says:
Nice!! I’d keep reading this story.
March 30, 2015 — 8:59 AM
Chris says:
This really makes me feel like I’m under intense scrutiny. I can just imagine a crowd of judging stares. I like it.
March 30, 2015 — 9:34 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
I really like this. Short and to the point, and it pulls the reader in right away.
March 30, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Erik Buchanan says:
Hi folks,
Here’s the opening line of the new YA book I’m working on. Look forward to hearing about it:
“We’re going to die,” thought Ronnie Huckleby, as she watched Johnny work the crowd on the corner of Pennington Street and Old Gravel Lane. “Mark Mitchell will catch us and shove us in a sack filled with rats and dump us in the Thames.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:22 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
Scary way to go -I like it! I was thinking that you might combine the thought quote to, ‘We’re going to die in a sack filled with rats in the River Thames,’ and proceeded to the description of the scene in the next sentence. Dump the rats right in there. Just a thought.
March 30, 2015 — 8:57 AM
Erik Buchanan says:
Interesting. Thanks for your thoughts.
March 31, 2015 — 1:44 PM
shaunaclinning says:
Hi Eric – my first reaction is there are too many names. And not just first names, but last names. And it feels as if you are placing us in the moment too soon, ie: telling us we are on Pennigton St and Old Gravel Lane along the Thames. I can wait until the next para to know this – at the very least i can wait for the next sentence.
March 30, 2015 — 8:59 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
I agree with this comment. There’s a lot in this opening that’s really good, but there are some details you can leave until a bit later in your first chapter. Suggestion: “We’re going to die,” thought Ronnie Huckleby as she watched Johnny work the crowd. “Mark Mitchell will catch us and dump us in the Thames inside a sack filled with rats.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:45 AM
Tracy says:
Second this suggestion – I want to read this story!
March 31, 2015 — 1:05 AM
Erik Buchanan says:
Thanks, Tracy. I’m just doing the edit on the novel and hoping to send it to market in the next couple of months.
March 31, 2015 — 1:46 PM
Erik Buchanan says:
Thanks! That’s a good thought. I wanted to get a sense of location right away, but you are right, too much info slows down the action.
March 31, 2015 — 1:45 PM
Silk Questo says:
Love love love the punchline of what Mark Mitchell will do to them! Can we get there a little faster? Also, do you need quotation marks around a thought?
March 30, 2015 — 1:27 PM
Erik Buchanan says:
I may have posted this already, but it didn’t seem to show up, so forgive me if I say it twice :-).
I normally do thoughts in italics when I write, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that here, so I used the quotes. And thanks for your good words!
March 31, 2015 — 1:49 PM
Anne Hagan says:
I have two since I’m working on a series and the previous book sets up this book:
Prologue: Mel kissed me goodbye softly before she crept out of the house in the pre-dawn hours.
Chapter 1: “Dana, I’m sorry but it just isn’t good.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:22 AM
joycronje says:
The prologue’s first line is awesome, but the chapter 1 line, not so much so. Just my opinion, of course.
March 30, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Anne Hagan says:
That’s the unfortunate thing about not having this in context. The first line of chapter one is spoken by an orthopedic surgeon to my protagonist. She’s telling her that her leg injury suffered in the line of duty is going to be limiting for the rest of her life and that’s made abundantly clear shortly after that sentence.
March 31, 2015 — 2:28 PM
Anne Arbuthnot says:
Mine are the whispered words on the breeze at the edge of your hearing, the light touch on your cheek as it passes by.
March 30, 2015 — 7:23 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Nice! I just have no constructive remarks about the line itself, I like it and it makes me want to read on to learn who the narrator is. It’s vaguely threatening and very mysterious.
The only thing I’d watch out for is keeping this tone consistent. I don’t know if this is a novel or short story or poem, so this may be completely beside the point, but I do know that it can be very hard to keep up this sort of poetic, dramatic language for longer works. Definitely one of my favorites so far though.
March 30, 2015 — 7:34 AM
David says:
Definitely interesting. The way it is written makes me think of something ethereal or supernatural. On point of critic is the last ‘it’ in the sentence. It’s somewhat confusing because it could, grammatically, refer to either the light touch, the edge of your hearing, or the breeze.
Maybe you could clarify a bit. Something like “…, the light touch on your cheek as the wind basses by.”
It is, in any case, intruiging enough to make me want to read what comes after.
March 30, 2015 — 7:36 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
Definitely interesting. Just a bit of nitpicking, really: the words passing by would be ‘they’ not ‘it’
March 30, 2015 — 7:50 AM
curleyqueue says:
What about- Mine are the words at the edge of your hearing.
Really like mood here, just wondering if less description may give it more punch- the construction of the sentence caused me to misinterpret the action at first
March 30, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Anne Arbuthnot says:
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. It’s very helpful to get your feedback. I’ll relook at them when I get to editing my draft. Will keep you posted.
May 18, 2015 — 9:36 AM
David says:
First sentence in a 10k fantasy short.
“On a serpentine tail a beast slithers through the air in front of me.”
About a pacificst, drug-addled mage who is forced into a war he doesn’t want to fight while taking care of his little niece whose father just died.
March 30, 2015 — 7:31 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
Hi david, i find this a bit confusing. 1. a beast slithering on its tail? Snakes/serpentines slither using their entire bodies. 2. Slithering through the air in front of me? Slithering seems to indicate deliberate motion forward, but in the air? How’s that? Not clear to me what is happening here – unless it is an halucination, of course, but that’s difficult to judge from the first sentence. Even so the slithering in the air issue would remain.
March 30, 2015 — 7:49 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
The girl Lyse Tancred sensed trouble the moment that the strange nun stepped into the cool halo of torch light that marked the entrance to the gathering place on Brigid’s Knoll.
March 30, 2015 — 7:40 AM
jen says:
ooh I like this one, but I’d like it even more with fewer words to get in the way of all the cool images? So, the nun, intro the main character by name, and contrast the nun/trouble contradiction?
Not sure what bits are more important for later (or you’re more attached to), but in that order you could cut it down as far as:
‘Lyse sensed trouble the moment the nun stepped into the cool halo of torch light at the entrance to Brigid’s Knoll’.
Or even ‘The nun stepped into the cool halo of torch light at the entrance to Brigid’s Knoll, and Lyse sensed trouble.’ I like the name Lyse Tacred, but I really, really like the alliteration of ‘Lyse sensed’, so… obviously YMMV.
(I’m literallly just making suggestions because I liked the bones of this so much to start with though 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 8:12 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
good advice, a bit wordy in places.
April 1, 2015 — 8:07 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Try cutting it.
Lyse Tancred sensed trouble the moment the nun stepped into the halo of torch light at the entrance to the gathering place. (then you can tell us what was strange about the nun, and more about where they are)
March 30, 2015 — 10:31 AM
Conrad Steenkamp says:
agreed, thanks
April 1, 2015 — 8:08 AM
Kristin says:
On monday, Cecelia thought she understood the world.
March 30, 2015 — 7:42 AM
shaunaclinning says:
It could be a taste thing, but right away i think Cecilia is too introspective. And you are telling us that she doesn’t understand the world rather that leading us there.
March 30, 2015 — 8:56 AM
curleyqueue says:
I think this has potential to be a great opening line, maybe all it needs is a subsequent action, as in: On Monday, Celia thought she understood the world but by Wednesday she knew she’d been a fool. Or even that she’d discovered she actual did have all the answers, something to get us invested in Celia’s story.
March 30, 2015 — 9:51 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
Understanding the world is stark contrast to the stereotypical Monday. Garfield does not sit with his face in a pan of lasagna because he understands Mondays. (dating myself with that aged reference) So that alone is a good start. But as someone else said, give us more. You’ve got our attention — use it.
March 30, 2015 — 10:25 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Good. Don’t change a thing, no matter what anyone says.
March 30, 2015 — 10:33 AM
addy says:
The first line to my first novel. It is a WIP so comments would be awsome. cheers:
to the wary the woods are a dangerous place, so full of life and riches that death is soon to follow, for the wolves that live here are unlike any you know.
March 30, 2015 — 7:55 AM
travis says:
This feels way too long. This needs to be boiled down to it’s barest that gives you the gist of the story in ten words.
March 30, 2015 — 8:08 AM
writerggandrew says:
This is long, but it worked for me, too, maybe because the writing style seems to favor longer sentences like these (?). Though you could make the last part stand out by putting a hyphen before (or making it a new sentence).
March 30, 2015 — 9:19 AM
addy says:
thanks. i will propobly break it down a bit. still playing with it.
March 30, 2015 — 9:39 AM
addy says:
thanks. i will see what i can do. 😀
March 30, 2015 — 9:37 AM
jrupp25 says:
Is this an admonition? Perhaps the full of life part defuses the threat. Streamline?
To the wary; the woods are a dangerous place, for the wolves that live here are unlike any you know.
March 30, 2015 — 9:22 AM
addy says:
that does sound better. I wanted to show that so much life is dangerous. but i can touch on that later. main point is hooking the reader.
thanks
March 30, 2015 — 10:12 AM
Andrew T says:
I agree, this sounds better. The original was too long, and the statement about life and riches downplayed the danger.
March 30, 2015 — 11:27 AM
addy says:
sounds good. thanks for all the help.
March 30, 2015 — 12:10 PM
David Wilson says:
As Eldon put on and laced up his boots, a gift from his father, his mind raced.
March 30, 2015 — 7:57 AM
writerggandrew says:
Cool…curious why his mind is racing! Not sure you need the gift part, at least in this first sentence.
March 30, 2015 — 9:27 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I like it. I wonder why his mind is racing. But I wonder if we need to know the boots came from his father in the first sentence. I suspect you’ll elaborate on that later, so maybe save that detail.
March 30, 2015 — 10:04 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Eldon’s mind raced as he laced up his boots. (then tell us they were a gift from his father, and why that matters)
March 30, 2015 — 10:35 AM
Tracy says:
Second this shortened version. Unless he’s thinking about his father, then I think you could find some way to tie together (har) his racing mind and the gift.
March 31, 2015 — 1:09 AM
Andrew T says:
“Drent opened his eyes. Well, he tried to. Shocked by the light assaulting his cornea, he slammed them closed. Rapidly blinking, he tried again.”
March 30, 2015 — 7:59 AM
writerggandrew says:
Looking at just your first sentence….and it’s a good one, brought me right into the scene.
March 30, 2015 — 8:41 AM
addy says:
i like openings like these. just throws you in.
March 30, 2015 — 8:43 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
The dogma (for whatever that’s worth) is not start with the weather, someone getting out of a car, or waking up/opening eyes.
March 30, 2015 — 10:37 AM
Andrew T says:
Thanks for your responses, everyone!
March 31, 2015 — 12:36 PM
Jeanne Gallaher says:
“The sun’s heat rains down on Sofia’s pale hair as she kicks a pair of divots out of the soil.”
March 30, 2015 — 8:03 AM
writerggandrew says:
Ooh, love the sensory details here. The only thing I’m wondering is about maybe simplifying this or breaking up into two sentences? There is a lot there for one sentence–though good stuff!
March 30, 2015 — 8:39 AM
Jeanne Gallaher says:
Thanks, writerggandrew. Perhaps, “The sun’s heat rains down on Sofia’s pale hair.” And then I’ll go on to describe her and her activities.
March 31, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Elaine- says:
I open my eyes, as prepared as anyone, I guess, to start my day, and my first thought is “I’m dead.”
March 30, 2015 — 8:05 AM
Dannielle says:
I like where this is headed. The “I’m dead” bit is definitely good. But I’ll admit, the amount of commas make me feel unsure. Is there a more concise way you could communicate the same thing? Or maybe it would be better if the sentence was broken into two? It definitely does intrigue me though and that’s the most important thing.
March 30, 2015 — 8:09 AM
Chris says:
I think the commas really bog down the line, and the ‘I guess’ comment robs the “I’m dead” of a lot of force. I’m not sure if the speaker is terrified, angry, blasé, or something in between. What does the speaker feel about that statement?
March 30, 2015 — 9:40 AM
curleyqueue says:
maybe with less commas- I guess I was as prepared as anyone to start the day, only my first thought was “I’m dead.”
I liked the tone of personality set by the “I guess” and the surprise at the end- those elements attracted me for sure!
March 30, 2015 — 9:59 AM
Elaine- says:
hehe, i knew i was gonna take some flack for the commas… but i was just putting down honestly what the first line to my novel is 🙂 the whole novel is a crime against punctuation, so no worries! thanks for the kind words you guys! the novel is ‘Dear Johnny – A Gen-Ex Love Story’ if anybody wants to know that?
March 30, 2015 — 10:29 AM
travis says:
“It’s been a while since I fed someone to a gator.” I said.
March 30, 2015 — 8:05 AM
writerggandrew says:
Ha! Like this. Hilarious and interesting, and so curious about this character! Nice.
March 30, 2015 — 8:37 AM
james orion says:
Great opening line, grabs the reader’s attention. Of small note- a comma should be after gator instead of a period.
March 30, 2015 — 8:49 AM
shaunaclinning says:
This is good. Places the reader in a certain place and a certain mindset in 1 sentence. I would read on.
March 30, 2015 — 8:54 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
This got a chuckle out of me! Well done! I want to know more about who the narrator is!
March 30, 2015 — 9:09 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Nice! Good hook.
March 30, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Jenny Chou says:
I’m hooked!
March 30, 2015 — 10:47 AM
Andrew T says:
I love it! Need to know what comes next.
March 30, 2015 — 11:14 AM
Susan says:
love it! almost like a Dexter thing…
March 30, 2015 — 11:42 AM
Southpaw says:
Yup, got me interested.
March 30, 2015 — 6:05 PM
Dannielle says:
First two lines of my novel.
I close my eyes and wait. Sometimes that’s all you can do – close your eyes and just… wait.
March 30, 2015 — 8:06 AM
writerggandrew says:
I like this first sentence! Makes me wonder what is happening. I know we are only looking at first sentences, but since you posted the second I think it takes the starch out of the first just a bit…unless that third sentence is something totally off the wall. I’m curious about this, though..well done!
March 30, 2015 — 8:44 AM
hannahfairbairn2015 says:
I really like this. I’ve had where all I can do is close my eyes and wait, so I’m relating to the character straight away, and hopefully a lot of other people will. And I really want to know if your character is anxiously waiting for something good to happen, or hoping time will travel faster while they wait for something awful to pass.
March 31, 2015 — 7:07 AM
Dannielle says:
Well actually, he’s waiting for the guards to pass because if they catch him they’re going to chuck him in jail for breaking curfew.
March 31, 2015 — 9:00 PM
maqhem says:
Interestingly, I assumed it was a female, too, and I am male. If I had to guess I’d say it has to do with the sentence structure and your choice of words. Some observations:
– Words of notice: “beige”, “rested”. For a lack of a better term, these words sound feminine to me: soft, warm. But that may just be me. “Glass” could go either way but it is often parallelled with something beautiful/graceful/elegant.
– It’s also a long sentence, very fluent (as opposed to action scenes with many short sentences). Instead of jumping right into the action it slowly builds up. The word “gradually” adds to this effect.
– The subject (“I”) isn’t mentioned until halfway through the sentence.
If these observations mean anything I don’t know. Food for thought maybe.
March 30, 2015 — 8:15 AM
maqhem says:
This was supposed to be a reply to neonslicked. Did it it post here because I checked “Notify me of new comments via email”? Who knows.
What do people usually do when this happens? Should I copy-paste this as a reply to whom it was intended? I wouldn’t want to spam the comments.
March 30, 2015 — 8:22 AM
Clementine Danger says:
That happened to me too a couple of times. I usually just leave it, but I have no idea what the etiquette is.
March 30, 2015 — 8:39 AM
hannahfairbairn2015 says:
They don’t intimidate me, the encasing trees we are taught to fear. They imprison and suffocate, and seem to creep a little closer every day, but I am not scared. They are the barrier, the enormous reminder that they alone protect and conceal us from everything else. And they are the way out. The only way out, not including our small sea but its current is too strong to swim in and I don’t have a boat.
All the boats were burnt.
March 30, 2015 — 8:26 AM
writerggandrew says:
Ooh, like this! Creepy, and makes me wonder all kinds of things.
March 30, 2015 — 8:36 AM
writerggandrew says:
Here is mine, from a short contemporary romance I’m revising. Hard to post this without what follows, especially since it’s really short, but here goes:
“Before I met Evan, I hated him.”
March 30, 2015 — 8:32 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
It’s short, but punchy, and that’s awesome because it forces the reader to read on and find out who Evan is and why the person hated him. Nobody could resist that.
March 30, 2015 — 8:36 AM
writerggandrew says:
Thank you!
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Good
March 30, 2015 — 10:40 AM
hannahfairbairn2015 says:
It is short, but I do really want to find out more. I want to know how someone can feel an emotion as strong as hate towards someone they haven’t yet met. What could Evan have done? And now your character has met Even, do they feel a lot different about him? Has he managed to win them over from the hatred?
March 31, 2015 — 4:16 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
First line of my current WIP: “You make me look like a palooka and I swear I’ll sucker punch you in the cock.”
March 30, 2015 — 8:33 AM
james orion says:
I’ll be honest, I had to look up what a palooka is. That said- great opening line. Immediately gives you a feel for the character.
March 30, 2015 — 8:52 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
Thank you.
March 30, 2015 — 5:00 PM
shaunaclinning says:
I think this should be 2 sentences. There’s an ‘if’ in this somewhere, as in “I swear I’ll sucker punch you in the cock if you…….”
March 30, 2015 — 8:52 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
There should be an ‘if’ in there, but I left it out because it tells you about the character and the way he speaks by the words he chooses and how he strings them together.
March 30, 2015 — 5:02 PM
jrupp25 says:
I like it. Made me smile. It’s a promise to the reader this will be a gritty, possibly dangerous story. The assumptions I make are that the main character is speaking to his/her brother or best friend. The use of the word palooka makes me think it’s set in the 40’s. He/she has a dark or perverse sense of humor. And he/she is about to do something difficult or foolhardy.
I’m terrible with commas. Does one go after the word palooka?
Also (and this is simply my preference as a female) if this is a man speaking, I would use the word dick. Dick sounds more violent. If it’s a woman talking to her main love interest, then cock is fine. Am I weird?
March 30, 2015 — 9:06 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
It is set in the 40s. And no, not weird at all. I think cock is funnier, though. That’s why I used it. Thanks!
March 30, 2015 — 5:05 PM
ElctrcRngr says:
I got to say, my first thought when I read this was that the speaker was a dwarf. Great line, definitely got my attention, and I love the way you use syntax to establish the time period
March 31, 2015 — 12:25 AM
Chris says:
I also had to look up ‘palooka.’ But it still made me laugh. I found it a little bit jarring, though, the use of a word like ‘palooka’ followed by “sucker punch in the cock.” This could just be a regional thing, but the word ‘palooka’ isn’t really modern speech around where I live (far as I know), so it feels like one half of the sentence is strangely anachronistic – but whether it’s the ‘palooka’ part or the ‘sucker punch’ part, I can’t tell, and that’s jarring.
March 30, 2015 — 9:20 AM
almosthuman1blog says:
Glad it made you laugh. Exactly what I was going for. Thank you! The words ‘palooka’ and ‘sucker punch’ are specific to his time (40s) and his career.
March 30, 2015 — 5:08 PM
adaddinsane says:
“Is mother dead yet?”
From my fantasy “Elona”.
March 30, 2015 — 8:44 AM
writerggandrew says:
Ooh, this immediately sets up a creepy vibe in my mind…cool.
March 30, 2015 — 9:22 AM
adaddinsane says:
It is, isn’t it? 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 11:06 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Sweet
March 30, 2015 — 10:41 AM
Darci Speidel says:
I love this as a first line. I’d have to keep reading to find out why the “yet” at the end.
March 30, 2015 — 6:54 PM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
1st line of my YA novel, The Bucket Stand: Early hurdles the chest high cyclone fence like a young buck being pursued by the brave hunter, sprinting from the backside of the cafeteria to the edge of the pine forest behind Loblolly High School. (note: “Early” is the nickname of the character)
March 30, 2015 — 8:46 AM
writerggandrew says:
Liking the action here! The name Early would probably throw me at first…not sure if it would work to say, The boy Early? Or something.
March 30, 2015 — 9:24 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
Thanks for the input. I agree, ‘Early’ is not a common name (A simple old man named Early tended the grounds at the small Baptist church of my boyhood.); maybe I should add his last name, Cleveland. The last name comes later in the 1st chapter when Early’s father dies under questionable circumstances.
April 1, 2015 — 2:48 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
A tad long. Early hurdles the cyclone fence like a buck running from a hunter. (then we learn the bit about being in the cafeteria.)
For whatever it’s worth, I’ve hunted deer. One does not chase them. One hides in a tree and shoots them when they’re not looking, which does not require a lot of courage. But they will run if they see you. The name “Early” threw me too.
March 30, 2015 — 10:49 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
If one shoots a deer and it does not fall, a good hunter pursues the game to finish the kill -and retrieve the arrow. Early has exited the cafeteria after he has done his bit there. The chase scene is supposed to be comedic, but I guess not -especially if one has hunted deer before.
March 30, 2015 — 5:27 PM
jrupp25 says:
Another tiny shard of black metal had worked its way to the surface poking a needle-like spike through the scarred pink skin above Henry Sinclair’s left hip.
March 30, 2015 — 8:46 AM
james orion says:
For some reason, I want this to be two sentences and I don’t quite know why. I love the detail though.
March 30, 2015 — 8:48 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I’m intrigued, but I question the need for all those adjectives. See how you like it if you remove “tiny”, “pink”, and “left”. Also, put a comma before “poking”. I think that’s why James wants it to be two sentences.
March 30, 2015 — 9:49 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
You’ve got a lot of info that reduces the impact.
A shard of black metal poked through the skin above Henry Sinclair’s left hip.
March 30, 2015 — 10:53 AM
james orion says:
A man in a black suit appeared suddenly in the road, materializing from nowhere.
March 30, 2015 — 8:47 AM
shaunaclinning says:
I read this and could only see Will Smith from Men in Black.
March 30, 2015 — 8:51 AM
Heidi Bengry says:
Some great questions here, The most obvious of course, who is the man? But also the materializing bit adds mystery and why is he in a suit. Road is a bit ambiguous though, was it a dusty road? paved road? I’d like to see something of the road. Also I think you can get rid of “suddenly”. The fact that he “appeared” “from nowhere” does the trick.
March 30, 2015 — 9:08 AM
jrupp25 says:
Possible simplify? A figure in a black suit suddenly materialized in the road.
March 30, 2015 — 9:10 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I’m not digging “suddenly”. It doesn’t add anything. Other than that, I like this as an opener.
March 30, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Sarah says:
I agree! Ditch the adverb and you’ve got a great opening line.
March 30, 2015 — 10:27 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
“Materialized from nowhere,” and “appeared suddenly,” mean pretty much the same thing to me.
A man in a black suit materialized in the road. (or something)
March 30, 2015 — 10:59 AM
Chris says:
I’ve always been meaning to start participating in these. Here’s the first line I have to offer:
The walls of the Historow House for Mentally Unstable Youth were louder than the patients.
March 30, 2015 — 8:47 AM
Catkins says:
I actually really like this. Simplicity and intrigue.
March 30, 2015 — 8:58 AM
lanawoodjohnson says:
I like this a lot, it gives a great sense of place and what you’re getting yourself into. The one question is time period. Since, of course, you can only set up so much with a first sentence, I wonder where the story is set, to me it reads not modern US.
Hope that helps!
March 30, 2015 — 9:02 AM
writerggandrew says:
LOVE! Really want to read this.
March 30, 2015 — 9:13 AM
shaunaclinning says:
I only confess to having felt like a two-day-old loaf of bread, picked up and put back on the shelf, destined to become stale.
March 30, 2015 — 8:48 AM
jrupp25 says:
Love this. The ‘I only confess’ part confuses. Perhaps just start: I felt like a two-day-old….
March 30, 2015 — 9:12 AM
Roo says:
At 3pm the clock on the town hall of Ostere struck four times.
March 30, 2015 — 8:56 AM
Travis Hall says:
Is this an homage to 1984? If so, it’s a neat twist. Should it be, “the Ostere town hall clock” instead?
March 30, 2015 — 9:00 AM
Roo says:
Yes and you are right with the rewording. So simple, but so unable to see it myself. Thank you. Roo
March 31, 2015 — 7:15 AM
Jenny Chou says:
This is an intriguing start!
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 AM
Roo says:
Thank you
March 31, 2015 — 7:54 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I like this. I already want to know what’s up. I agree with Travis about tightening it up.
March 30, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Roo says:
Thank you. I shall tighten.
March 31, 2015 — 7:55 AM
Catkins says:
Listen closely, because I won’t repeat myself.
– this is the narrator of my story talking to the reader.
March 30, 2015 — 8:56 AM
Alan says:
Digging this. I feel threatened as a reader, but in a good way. And immediately, I want to know if the narrator can back up his/her attitude.
March 30, 2015 — 10:21 AM
Catkins says:
Thank you
March 30, 2015 — 10:41 AM
Dani says:
In the film, The Imitation Game, Benedict Cumberbatch (playing Alan Turing) delivers a similar line. It is by far the most believable line he delivers in that scene (that both opens and closes the film) and probably the entire movie.
I think it’s an effective line, because it startles the reader out of their complacency about how stories are told (similar to why it was an effective line in the film I mentioned).
I wonder if the narrator will also devolve into a less than reliable source of info and I’d read on to find out. I’d make sure to keep the narrator from repeating *any* info, however, or you’ve automatically lowered the reliability of the narrator in my eyes (and that may not be a thing you’re going for).
March 30, 2015 — 6:02 PM
Jenny Chou says:
My brother Raj and I crouched in a grove of trees at the edge of Signora D’Agnelli’s driveway watching the taillights of her limousine disappear into the dusky evening.
March 30, 2015 — 8:57 AM
writerggandrew says:
I like this. Even with a lot of info there, I can picture it well.
March 30, 2015 — 9:11 AM
jen says:
this works really well – maybe add in a comma after ‘driveway’, just to slow it down and separate out the two parts? But it wouldn’t benefit from having anything taken out or being split, and that’s quite impressive for a line as long as this.
March 30, 2015 — 9:50 AM
Travis Hall says:
Elbow deep in spuds when the bell over the door jingled, a brisk blast of cold morning air pried my eyes from the quadruple order of hash browns to the Suits, two of them, standing in the doorway gazing around the room like tourists.
March 30, 2015 — 8:59 AM
L.B. Zumpshon says:
I like the “Elbow deep in spuds” but think you could condense the rest a bit.
March 30, 2015 — 9:24 AM
Clementine Danger says:
I like it content-wise, the mundanity of spuds contrasted against the seriousness of Suits, but that’s a LOT of information for one uninterrupted line. There are a lot of events happening here: being elbow-deep in spuds, eyes prying, air blasting, suits standing, suits gazing. That’s a little too many actions for one line, so I’d break it up a little, give each event separate attention to avoid confusion.
There’s also something wonky going on with the grammar of “cold air prying eyes,” can’t quite put my finger on it.
March 30, 2015 — 9:30 AM
Jenny Chou says:
A lot of good, very interesting information in here! I’d divide the sentence into two since it’s a lot to take in. The “blast of cold morning air” is not needed since the jingling of the ball tells him/her that someone has entered. I would keep reading to find out who the suits are.
March 30, 2015 — 9:38 AM
jen says:
Definitely split this, but it’s an interesting line – I feel like it could be flipped into something like ‘Suits – two of them – stood in the doorway gazing around the room like tourists. I glanced up from a quadruple order of hash browns when the doorbell jangled’ or something? and fit ‘elbow deep in spuds’ back in there somewhere…
March 30, 2015 — 12:34 PM
lanawoodjohnson says:
The thing I detest most about my job is trying to work the pedals of a bicycle as a giant land octopus.
March 30, 2015 — 8:59 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
This is a bit clumsy. Perhaps, “Working a bicycle’s pedals as a giant land octopus is the most detestable part of my job.”
March 30, 2015 — 4:11 PM
mike Crump says:
The younger man lay flat on the thick mat of brown needles.
March 30, 2015 — 8:59 AM
Jenny Chou says:
Do you mean pine needles – like he’s in the woods- or literal brown needles? I might describe the man as something besides “younger” since its the first line and we have no one to compare him to yet. But I would keep reading to find out why he’s lying on needles!
March 30, 2015 — 10:04 AM
mike Crump says:
Good catch. It’s an old-timey reference from before people might write about brown needle-needles. Thanks.
March 30, 2015 — 11:36 AM
Andrew says:
“Three Kilo Five, confirm eyes on target and current location.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:00 AM
Travis Hall says:
I think you need to add the next sentence to understand why this is important. Maybe instead of “target” add description of the target?
March 30, 2015 — 3:24 PM
Andrew says:
The next sentence is:
“The outpost and neighboring settlement had been ground to dust by the Coalition’s bombs dropped in from orbit. ”
The first is dialogue, spoken from a military pilot: can’t provide a lot of description!
April 3, 2015 — 2:00 PM
S. A. Hunt, Novelist says:
First line of my witch-horror novel “Malus Domestica”.
> Two young men stood on the shoulder of a sunny highway, the bicycles between their knees not yet rusting in the dark.
March 30, 2015 — 9:00 AM
Darci Speidel says:
I think you’re off to a good start, placing characters in a situation where something has to occur. However, I find the last part of the sentence a little awkward and confusing. I don’t know if you’re communicating what you intend to. I’m not really familiar with the genre, and it could be that the next sentence clarifies the whole situation. Sorry I can’t be more helpful, but I wanted to pass that on.
March 30, 2015 — 7:11 PM
A Citizen of the World says:
It looked like a perfectly ordinary house on a perfectly ordinary street in a perfectly ordinary neighbourhood, on a perfectly ordinary summer afternoon.
March 30, 2015 — 9:01 AM
jrupp25 says:
Like the repetition but I would go with the rule of three.
March 30, 2015 — 9:14 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Good point. I could delete “on a perfectly ordinary summer afternoon”.
March 30, 2015 — 9:18 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
It was a perfectly ordinary house on a perfectly ordinary street in a perfectly ordinary neighbourhood. (now talk about the weather)
March 30, 2015 — 11:07 AM
Indigo says:
I woke to the sounds of feathers, squawks, and my own eye being gouged out with extreme prejudice.
March 30, 2015 — 9:02 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
Ooh- I definitely want to know more about this situation! You begin with great description, taut action, and a touch of humor. Great opening line.
March 30, 2015 — 10:15 AM
jen says:
I like this!
March 30, 2015 — 12:34 PM
Tracy says:
It seems odd that the *sound* rather than the *feel* of their own eye being gouged out would wake them up – but maybe that’s what you’re going for.
Also, what is the sound of feathers? Feathers flapping, as in wings?
March 31, 2015 — 1:19 AM
shaunaclinning says:
And from a second story I am working on:
“I can’t open my legs.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:02 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Hah! I think this is my favorite so far. and a horrifying prospect too.
March 30, 2015 — 9:42 AM
Sarah says:
I have two – one from a play: My name is Ezekiel, and I was born of a miracle.”
The second – from a novel in progress: The goddamn swamp was on fire.
March 30, 2015 — 9:08 AM
jen says:
Somehow I have a feeling I’m not going to be brave enough to stick with this as an opening line, but…
Right now it does makes me smile when I open the file up (It’s an urban fantasy. kind of.)
“How the fuck do you even say ‘stop’ in Russian?”
March 30, 2015 — 9:09 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Actually, this is a pretty snappy opening line for an urban fantasy novel 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 9:17 AM
writerggandrew says:
I think my first comment got deleted, but I really like this! So funny and random. I think your worry that you might not be brave enough is maybe a sign to keep it. Watch out, Clean Reader App 2.0!
March 30, 2015 — 9:20 AM
jen says:
Ah thanks! I would hate to give Clean Reader nothing to do, and it’s not like the rest of it gets toned down after that. Big fan of creative cursing (although I’m assuming everyone commenting on a Chuck Wendig blog probably is?)
March 30, 2015 — 10:04 AM
L.B. Zumpshon says:
I like it, very attention-grabbing!
March 30, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Theresa says:
I think I ran from the coffee shop, latte sloshing onto the sidewalk.
March 30, 2015 — 9:11 AM
lanawoodjohnson says:
This intrigues me. I hope you can follow up on the promise of the narrator not really being sure they are running, but remembering the specificity of the latte sloshing on the sidewalk, but without more, I live in wonder.
March 30, 2015 — 10:01 PM
Heidi Bengry says:
First couple lines from my WIP Wolf at the Door
I am a monster. That’s what they say anyway, and as they displayed one of my kills on the evening news, I couldn’t help but wonder if they were right.
March 30, 2015 — 9:11 AM
lanawoodjohnson says:
This makes me wonder what kind of monster the narrator is. And what was killed. Obviously it was news worthy, so that definitely draws me in.
March 30, 2015 — 10:03 PM
brdubard says:
I wasn’t going to be able to talk her out of it.
March 30, 2015 — 9:12 AM
Jenny Chou says:
I’d be more specific than “It” which, in my opinion, is a word to avoid at all cost because it’s dull. But I like that you begin with an immediate sense of conflict.
March 30, 2015 — 9:22 AM
writerggandrew says:
I Ike this! I think it’s ok to not explain “it” in this sentence, as long as we find out soon. The wonder would make me read more, I’m thinking.
March 30, 2015 — 9:30 AM
Heidi Bengry says:
I really like this. With just a few words you’ve already introduced conflict. Makes me want to know what “it” is. I know it’s got to be bad, but bad for who?
March 30, 2015 — 9:38 AM
addy says:
ok for some reason i cant reply to your most recent comment so let me say:
“as a brown coat, gater, whovian, galactican, vault boy, that sounds amazings. good luck and i hope to own a copy one day”
March 30, 2015 — 9:14 AM