Last week’s post about critiquing opening lines generated a fascinating — and holy crap, robust — fusillade of comments back and forth, which is exciting to see.
So, let’s do it again.
Or, something similar, at least.
What I want you to to do is to grab a paragraph — hopefully a shorter one, but that’s your call — and offer up that paragraph for critique. Drop it into the comments, and let folks talk about what would make it stronger — in terms of description, metaphor, clarity of language, characterization, what-have-you and blah blah blah.
You can grab something from your current WIP.
Or, if so inclined, write something new.
One paragraph only.
If you’re offering up a paragraph for critique, it’s only fair you offer commentary to someone else.
Be respectful of others. Say good things as well as bad.
Let’s do it.
neonslicked says:
“Kane inhales on the cigarette, just tobacco this time, and watches the smoke lift up to the grimy windows of the Maths bloc. The wall behind it is covered in chalk markings, cartoon penises, “X is a slut” indictments. The Maths bloc faces a thick ring of bush and old, gnarled grey trees. Cigarette butts, a burst tennis ball, an abandoned wine casket, and paper handouts form the mess of the Kerrison High Smoker’s Spot. There’s a few shards of shattered glass, too. Patrick sits on a leather chair stolen by someone from a teacher’s room long ago, leaning on the gum-festooned brick to compensate for a missing leg. On the ground, cross-legged, Jason and Kane sit. “What’ve we got next?” Patrick asks.”
April 21, 2014 — 7:10 AM
cindysprigg says:
please explain “Maths bloc” to me. Is this a US phrase? I am a Canadian and am not familiar with this.
April 21, 2014 — 8:49 AM
KVeldman says:
Well done! I can picture the scene perfectly (probably because that spot was outside my high school). Is this from a finished story? I’d like to read the rest.
My only suggestion would be (if you don’t already do this in other paragraphs) to add a bit about the setting beyond just the spot. Is it grey and hot and humid out? Is the sun glaring off the glass shards? These details can amplify the mood/atmosphere you are trying to convey, whether by contrast (dark mood/sunny day) or else by combining mood elements, like making it bitter cold to create an angry mood or adding clashing train whistles and traffic noises and birds chirping to create a chaotic atmosphere.
These definitely aren’t requirements, especially because you did a great job of setting the mood without them. Just something that might help out if you have a definite atmosphere you’d like to create.
April 21, 2014 — 9:29 AM
springinkerl says:
I like the atmosphere you convey here, it’s detailed enough to be pictured easily, but not overladen.
Just a few things, and they’re probably horrible nitpicking:
1. A *ring* of anything usually surrounds something, the bloc in this case. Unless it has a 360° panorama view, it would have a hard time to face it.
2. The guys in the last sentences are sitting on and between all the rubble you described earlier, between glass shards and cigarette butts?
3. “There’s a few shards of shattered glass, too.” That should be “There are a few…”. “There’s” fine in dialogue, but it’s still incorrect and too colloquial for narrative.
April 21, 2014 — 10:06 AM
Peter Hentges says:
It’s not immediately clear to me if the wall with the graffiti is part of the building with the windows. “Maths bloc” threw me at first as well, not a phrase I’m familiar with (Minnesota, US, FWIW), likewise with “wine casket.” I’m not sure of the viewpoint here either. It seems we start with Kane, but end up with Patrick. these all seem like things that could be cleared up before or after this paragraph.
The visuals are very nice. I can see this spot in my head. If I’d suggest anything for this bit, it would be to add in other senses in describing it; what does it smell like? sound like? The mood seems a bit tense and things seem set up to put Patrick in a position of receiving the supplication of the the other two characters.
April 21, 2014 — 10:11 AM
cajetane says:
are you an Aussie? I totally know what a Maths bloc is 😀 It’s not clear to me where exactly the boys are sitting in relation to the Maths bloc and the ring of bush. Is the smoker’s spot inside that ring? If they can easily see the bloc can those in the bloc easily see them? This piece seems to be aiming for quite a gritty tone, so I would keep sentences simple e.g. Jason and Kane sit cross legged on the ground.
April 21, 2014 — 3:48 PM
Anne says:
The death metal band’s bus rolled by. Covered in Day-Glo skulls and body parts doing things that would frighten small children and animals it was a show stopper in this little backwater town. People just stopped and stared. Mouths open, eyes popping and building up a head of steam that would blow heads off if there was no outlet for their thoughts soon. “Holy mother of God” was the politest epithet I heard as I wandered down the street. An alien invasion could not have had a greater effect. And yet, every now and again looking into the eyes of a few, you could see the yearning for something else, the hidden desire to chase that Goddamned bus and climb aboard. To just go, anywhere and nowhere… just not here. Little Macy Jones was the first to start running. Pretty soon there was a crew following her down the street in the dust. Trying to catch the bus, hoping it would stop and fearing it would stop. And you know what? That damn bus just kept going.
April 21, 2014 — 7:20 AM
murgatroid98 says:
I’m not good at critiquing, so this is practice for me, too. You need a comma in the second sentence between “animals” and “it”. Also, I think you have too much for one paragraph. You might consider dividing up. It looks like an interesting story.
April 21, 2014 — 9:20 AM
KVeldman says:
I like the scene you describe here, and I REALLY like the voice. It’s credulous and sarcastic and it’s a great way to describe a scene like this, with a mundane action (bus rolling by) in a mundane setting (small town) creating an interesting effect.
That said, I think it needs some editing for grammar and flow. The reply above is correct, it needs a comma. It also needs a comma between “again looking” in the 7th sentence.
I think you might consider combining the third and fourth sentences because it would read easier and establish your pronoun “their” in the fourth sentence: “People just stopped and stared, mouths open and eyes popping. building up a head of steam…”
I also wonder if “politest” is the best choice, as it is one of those words that many people think is incorrect (I’ve heard “most polite” way too often). It is correct, but it does sound a bit odd and makes you pause a moment when reading, and you want this to flow.
In the 7th sentence, “every now and again” could probably just be removed, because “the eyes of a few” already conveys the sparseness of this response.
The 5th and 7th sentences change from first-person to second-person Point-of-view. “…I heard as I wandered…” and “…you could see…” It sort of works in the “I am telling YOU the story,” sort of way, but I think you might consider fixing it so they agree. “… I could see the yearning…” or “…you would hear if you wandered down the street…” You also use “you” in the second to last sentence, but I don’t think it’s quite as big a deal there. I haven’t seen the rest of the story, so you this correction may not be necessary. My favorite writer, Kurt Vonnegut, uses “I” and “you” to great effect in a lot of stories. Most of the time, though, it probably needs to agree.
Sorry if that seems like a lot of criticism. The style and voice are both excellent, and this is definitely an intriguing clip of a story that makes me want to read more. I read a lot of self-published (or to a lesser extent, independently published) short stories and novels that are truly great stories and have best-seller potential, but little things like the corrections above (especially like “politest” being technically correct, but stops me up anyway because it sounds off) would have made them flow much better, and it’s the books that flow that sell the best.
April 21, 2014 — 10:08 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Interesting. That second sentence runs on a bit as murgatroid98 noted. A comma or starting a new sentence would help. I think our narrator could get “stopped and stared” and “mouths open, eyes popping” but I’m not sure the narrator would perceive “building up a head of steam.” Are the people angry? Confused? Smacking into cognitive dissonance? How do they show that so the narrator can perceive it?
I like the kids chasing the bus and that it just kept going. The narrator seems part of this town, but separate from it. Knows the people, but calls it a backwater. Seems to identify with the bus more than the town. So these scene leaves me wondering what the narrator will be doing in this town.
April 21, 2014 — 10:19 AM
Kay Camden says:
I like this. Of the ones posted so far (about 30) this is my fav. It has a great rhythm to it. However, I think it can be tightened up.
I’d cut “and animals” in that second sentence. It’s tighter without it, and I don’t think most animals would notice or understand of what’s the the side of a bus.
I’d also cut the “An alien invasion” sentence. That’s the point at which I get it, and I feel like I’m being beaten over the head.
I also think it needs to start a new paragraph at “And yet,” You’re starting a new thought there. And it’s much easier on the eyes than one big long paragraph.
I’d also start a new paragraph with “Little Macy Jones.” It puts more effect on that part. That’s where it really starts to hook.
Good work. I like your writing.
April 21, 2014 — 10:23 AM
Mat Hockey says:
I’d tend to side with the tweaks Kay has suggested above – with one more little nit-picking thing thrown in from me: you use the phrases ‘show stopper’ and ‘stopped and stared’ very close together. To me ‘show stopper’ told me that people were stopping and staring without having to clarify.
Overall it has good rhythm and gives a real sense of the town’s overall character without outright spelling it out to me.
April 21, 2014 — 10:35 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
She would not let them intimidate her. Thankful for the long skirt hiding her shaking legs, Irvana lifted her chin and walked through the silent men, conscious of Davith walking beside her. High above their heads, narrow windows let bright sunlight fall on hundreds of banners suspended from the ceiling, striping the tiled floor with shadows. A good number of the banners bore the golden star of Koltarn, in fact, there was Timat’s red hand! But the thrill Irvana felt on recognising it soon disappeared when she recognised the black star hanging beside it.
April 21, 2014 — 7:21 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Missing some context here that I suspect is laid out before, so I’ll try to get through with assuming things make sense. 🙂
I’d like to feel a little more of Irvana’s intimidation. Shaking legs is good. Silent men don’t seem that intimidating out of context. Having someone walking with her seems like she has some support that would lessen the intimidation. Is there more that can be revealed about the situation through her senses? Do her footsteps echo because the hall is large? Is her eye drawn anywhere? Does she look for supporters among the crowd? The men are silent, but does she hear anything else within the room? Whispers?
Her attention seems to be mostly on these banners. What makes them important to her? I’m not sure why she gets a thrill from the red hand or the significance of the black star beside it. Is that on a different banner? Is the red hand separate from the gold stars, for that matter?
Again, this feels plucked from the middle of something, so a lot of these questions may be answered by context.
April 21, 2014 — 10:30 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Thanks, Peter – you are spot on that’s it’s from the middle of something…the scene is set prior to this – that’s where Irvana’s fear was detailed in more depth, yes, the hall is large and the men are silent because she is an (invited) intruder in this place.
The eternal problem of taking something from a larger WIP…but I may have to look again at how much I’ve gone into Irvana’s PD. It’s also something for children rather than adults…
April 21, 2014 — 4:03 PM
KVeldman says:
This makes me curious what’s going on here. Obviously the names don’t mean anything to me, but the part about the banners makes me want to find out about them.
Now, I’ve got no frame of reference for the rest of this story, so my suggestions might not be valid:
Also, you are packing A LOT of different things into this paragraph.
1. Defiance (not letting them intimidate her)
2. Nerves/Fear (shaking legs, sounds like she is intimidated)
3. Just for a few words, Hope (“there was Timat’s Red Hand!”)
4. but, the hope is dashed in the next sentence (“the thrill… soon disappeared”)
Unless you are trying to keep the word count of this story very low, this paragraph has potential to make this scene much more dramatic. The legs shaking might indicate that she IS intimidated. If not, explain why her legs are shaking, and how she forces them to stop. For 3 and 4, give a whole paragraph to the hope build-up and another to it getting knocked down. Explain why the Red Hand gives or a thrill, and why the Black Star next to it knocks out the hope. If those reasons should be obvious/intuitive at this point in the story, elaborate on Irvana’s feelings and thoughts. There is a lot of dramatic potential here. Why pack it into a few sentences?
Also, I love this:
“High above their heads, narrow windows let bright sunlight fall on hundreds of banners suspended from the ceiling, striping the tiled floor with shadows.”
Packed with foreboding, great imagery.
April 21, 2014 — 12:26 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
See earlier reply…but! What you saw in the one paragraph was exactly what I wanted to achieve…she’s a determined and brave young lady who has a great potential future, but there is a threat hanging over her related to the owners of the banners…
Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated.
April 21, 2014 — 4:06 PM
Heather says:
“I’m so done with this Mike!”
“Why? You’re seriously surprised ? You’re killing me here Anthony! Kate slept with the entire first floor! Please tell me you knew this! Hell, even Charlie here knew and we never tell him anything. Right Charlie?”
Charlie looking to the door like he’s going to bolt through it, only sets Mike’s attitude off even more as he slams the desk drawer closed. “Oh! You sack of shit Charlie! Just tell HIM!”
“Um… I’m sorry guys – leave me out of this.”
“It’s alright Charlie, I understand” Your a pussy, and that’s why you’ll never make partner.
It’s taking every ounce of restraint I’ve got to keep my arms locked to my sides to keep my fists from swinging out and hitting Mike’s fat chin and knocking him the hell out!
Pointing my finger in Mikes direction, “No – Mike what you said was wrong. I’m done! I quit! I’m tired of your attitude, your opinion on things, you know absolutely nothing about! No, you’ve gone too far this time. Screw this – screw you Mike.”
Not an all out ‘paragraph’ I suppose – what I ‘ve got .
April 21, 2014 — 7:25 AM
springinkerl says:
There’s a couple of punctuation errors, mostly commas missing or where they don’t belong. A missing full stop at the end of “It’s alright Charlie, I understand”
“Your a pussy…” This made me cringe, honestly. “You’re a pussy.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One tip concerning your dialogue – Kerry already remarked about the abundance of exclamation marks, it makes the whole thing sound as if your character are constantly yelling at each other. Another thing is that you’re using their names in nearly every line. If you listen to people speaking to each other in real life, you’ll notice that they nearly never use the other’s name. Why should they when they’re face to face? Of course, in a scene with three or more people it’s the easiest way to make clear who is speaking to whom. But if you read it out loud for yourself, you’ll see (hear) that it sounds artificial.
April 21, 2014 — 10:17 AM
Heather says:
Thanks guys, the only way to learn is to ask. I appreciate all the feedback more than you’ll know.
April 21, 2014 — 9:27 PM
Peter Hentges says:
Coming in the middle of the scene of course, but this read like it was happening in high school or college until I got to “you’ll never make partner.”
I’d rather see some descriptions of what’s happening than all the exclamation points. Is Mike walking around the office? Is he gesticulating? Does Charlie actually leave?
I can feel the tension in the dialog pretty well. I think some information about what’s happening while the dialog happens would amp that up.
April 21, 2014 — 10:39 AM
Norma Parfitt says:
I think you have too many characters being introduced at the same time. Perhaps you need a little scene setting by picking one character and telling us about his situation before he enters the room. You could have him notice that his co-workers are arguing before you start the dialogue. I agree with springinkerl that there are too many names.
It sounds like you have a dramatic situation right from the start and that’s really good.
April 23, 2014 — 6:19 AM
Heather says:
Yes, I do like the idea of giving more background. I’ve literally changed the name things many times. One writers group nailed me for not enough tags. I am going to go back simplify and expand I believe it can be done just by giving background as you have suggested. ~ I like it ~ Keeping things stupid simple is the motto here. Hey PS sorry about the (your=nails down a chalkboard, sometimes I write too fast lol) AS always Thank you guys!
April 23, 2014 — 6:50 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Try this:
Sharp sunlight glints off my car’s bright yellow paintjob and lights up the bonnet’s black logo, TBR — Team Brazier Racing. Instantly recognisable as I’m driving TBR’s one and only car. We cannibalise the carcases of earlier models to make the next generation, this new baby is the Mark IV. The seat is firm, moulded to fit the contours of my back and hips. The cockpit doesn’t give much room for movement and I struggle to fit my 6’ 2” frame into the cramped hole. Good job I’m not claustrophobic.
April 21, 2014 — 7:33 AM
KBSpangler says:
The imagery is great in this, and it’s instantly clear where the character is and what he’s doing. I’m having some problems with the voice, tho’: it’s such a vivid image that it doesn’t smoothly align with an interior first-person voice.
April 21, 2014 — 10:12 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Thanks KB – love the comment. I wonder whether it’s a UK/US difference kind of thing? This para appears half way down the opening page of my WIP. I’m hoping the narrator’s voice grows on the reader. Fingers crossed.
April 21, 2014 — 11:42 AM
Ken Lozito says:
Would this work better as the last sentence?
Good thing I’m not claustrophobic.
Other than that it was a pretty solid paragraph.
April 21, 2014 — 10:15 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Nice idea, Ken. I’ll think about that one. Thanks.
April 21, 2014 — 11:43 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Seems a bit odd that this is the narrator’s car and yet the logo is “instantly recognisable.” He would recognise the logo anyway, right?
The jump from “my car” to “we cannibalise” and then back to “my back and hips” feels like I’m bouncing in and out of the character’s head. I’d re-write the second sentence to something like, “This new baby is the Mark IV, cannibalised from the carcases of earlier models to make the next generation.”
It also seems odd that the narrator describes the seat and then climbs into the car’s cockpit.
This feels like a good start. I like the “sharp sunlight” and the seat’s description. I’m nearly ready for the race!
April 21, 2014 — 10:48 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
He’s already in the car, Ken as was shown in earlier paras. And he means that it’s instantly recognisable to anyone looking (i.e.the spectators). But I know exactly what you mean when the para is taken out of context. My fault for choosing the para and taking it out of context in the first place. 🙂
Thanks for the suggestion re. sentence two. I might use that one. 🙂
He wins the race, by the way, but his troubles don’t end there, they only begin. Mwahaha! :0
April 21, 2014 — 12:06 PM
Peter Hentges says:
FWIW, I read “I struggle to fit my 6’ 2” frame into the cramped hole” as him struggling to enter the car.
April 22, 2014 — 9:12 AM
robinlmartinez says:
The opening paragraph from my WIP. I would be glad of any help or suggestions to make it more interesting/gripping: “The frigid air made Captain Huthbert’s throat and nostrils ache each time he took a breath. He patted the side of his horse’s black neck as the animal stamped his feet with anxious energy. Almost time, he thought to the stallion and looked towards the bright moon. Almost time and then…”
April 21, 2014 — 7:33 AM
David says:
I’d consider using throat or nostrils, not both. And the captain probably shouldn’t think anything at his horse, unless he’s a telepath. Saying it would be fine.
April 21, 2014 — 9:20 AM
robinlmartinez says:
Hi David, thanks for bringing that to my attention (about the horse). I hadn’t even thought it might be read that – too close to the manuscript. Great suggestion for the first line. Thanks!
April 21, 2014 — 10:56 PM
Peter Hentges says:
Good start. I know whose story this is and I have an idea of the setting. To make this more interesting/gripping thing things I want to know are: What does Captain Huthbert want? What’s stopping him from getting it? That is, why wait out here in the cold for it?
April 21, 2014 — 10:52 AM
robinlmartinez says:
Hi Peter, pretty much all of those questions are answered in the next 2-3 paragraphs. I didn’t want to weigh down the opening with too much exposition or explanation. But I will look at putting more of his motivation right up front. Thanks for taking the time 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 10:57 PM
Amy says:
You could make the first sentence a little less passive to punch it up some. Suggestion: “The frigid air burned Captain Huthbert’s throat and nostrils with each intake of breath.”
And I kinda wanted to know the horse’s name. What he names his horse could tell a lot about him. So you could say “He patted the side of (insert horse’s name) black neck as the (what type of horse) stamped his feet . . .”
April 21, 2014 — 11:32 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Nice ideas Amy – I agree totally.
April 21, 2014 — 12:11 PM
robinlmartinez says:
Hi Amy, yes I had a feeling the the first line was a little too Blah. I will work on tightening/sharpening it. I hesitate to put the horses name only because the animal will not appear in the rest of the book. I’ve been told that unless a character plays a role in the story he/she/it should not have a name wasted on it. Thoughts?
April 21, 2014 — 10:59 PM
Jon says:
> The frigid air made Captain Huthbert’s throat and nostrils ache each time he took a breath.
This is a little tell-not-show for me, which can be okay but I typically don’t like it in an opening sentence unless it’s establishing a distinctive narrative voice. It’s also kind of continuous (it {whatevered} EACH TIME he took a breath) so it doesn’t fix us in a specific time and place, but rather has us running through kind of an eternal now. It makes for kind of a floaty opener, all told.
> He patted the side of his horse’s black neck as the animal stamped his feet with anxious energy.
Cause and effect seem reversed here; the horse stamps his feet SO the good captain pats its neck. Right? If so, then the order might want reversing.
> Almost time, he thought to the stallion and looked towards the bright moon. Almost time and then…
How can he tell that his horse’s neck is black if it’s moonlight?
Is he an animal whisperer, to think to the horse? Perfectly fine if he is, but it gives that impression if he’s not.
“thought…and looked” Again, the sequence feels off. He’s apparently measuring time by the moon; I’d expect to see him check the moon, note its position, then reassure the animal. Instead he’s doing them in the inverse order.
Compare to:
> The moon still hung bright in the night sky. *Almost time,* he thought to the stallion. *Almost time and then . . .*
See the difference? In the suggested rewrite the cause (looking/evaluating) and effect are in their proper order. It also internalizes things a bit for the POV character — gives us his perspective and binds us to him. Consider these:
> The moon still hung bright in the night sky.
> The moon hung a hand’s breadth from the horizon, taunting him.
> The moon gazed down at him from its too-distant home among the stars.
> The moon crept toward its nadir.
All of these give different vibes and paint different pictures of the POV character. So moving things to the POV character’s POV will strengthen the reader’s sense of who the POV character is and how he sees the world.
All in all, I thought the stuff within this paragraph was pretty good – I like starting with anticipation, a sense of a bell about to be rung that can’t be unrung. Just some of the details need sorting out IMO. Good luck!
April 21, 2014 — 3:37 PM
robinlmartinez says:
Fantastic suggestions, Jon! You caught a lot of stuff I had not even thought of. Thanks for taking the time to really parse this out for me. Much appreciated. I will make sure to have your list of suggestion next to me as I work on improving this paragraph 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 11:00 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Heather,
Taken out of context it’s difficult to know who’s talking to whom, but be careful not to overdo the dialogue tags (especially in two-handed conversations, which this isn’t).
Can I take it that the: “Your a pussy, and that’s why you’ll never make partner,” is an internal thought? If so, it might be better to indicate this in some way as it’s not perfectly clear – perhaps use a separate para? I know some writers use italics for internal thoughts but this can be considered a little ‘passe’ these days, especially if it’s overdone.
Also – I’d take care in the overuse of exclamation marks. Some writer’s aids suggest we limit the use of “!” to one per 1,000 words (not that I advocate prose being that formulaic). I counted 11 in you 178 words. Overuse will lessen the impact! See what I did there? 🙂
Positives: The anger and frustration comes over well through the dialogue, which I really liked. Nice.
April 21, 2014 — 7:49 AM
Heather says:
Thank you for the comments, I need all the help I can get.
April 21, 2014 — 9:50 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Anne,
I could feel the description and excitement in this short passage, and a tightening of the SPaG would make it even better. E.G.:
The opening clause is a fragment, not a complete sentence, but that’s not a biggy. You might though, reconsider the alliterative “band’s bus”, which is a tad difficult to get one’s tongue around.
“heads off if there was [were] no outlet for their”
All in all though, I loved the para. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 7:58 AM
KVeldman says:
His first thought as the door slammed shut was that it was too damn sunny outside. In the movies there would be rain pattering on the windows and a somber song playing quietly in the background to set the mood. But – unfortunately – this was reality. In reality it was bright and fucking sunny and he hadn’t smoked a cigarette in hours and he was crabby and the fat-ass on the other side of the Plexiglas partition was listening to an oldies station that was 80 percent commercials. Figures. Yet another example of the universe out to crush what was left of his soul.
April 21, 2014 — 8:09 AM
David says:
Pretty strong! And it reads out loud well. I’d consider dropping the “fucking”, the “and he was crabby” (believe me, you’ve made that clear!), and maybe take another look at whether “Figures” should be “It figured” or dropped entirely.
April 21, 2014 — 8:58 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Good voice. This character comes across strongly.
We pop into his head rather suddenly. It feels almost as if this could be in first person if you drop the first sentence.
I’m a little confused as to setting. Slamming a door and it being sunny makes me think he went outside, but someone behind a Plexiglas partition sounds like it went inside.
April 21, 2014 — 10:57 AM
KVeldman says:
Thanks for the input guys.
David: You’re definitely right about the “Figures”. It works better without. And “he was crabby” was redundant, now that I’m reading it again. I like my F-bombs, though 🙂
Peter: As for the setting, he was being driven to a Mental Hospital. This is from a story called “Asylum”.
P.S.
You’re right. This was originally written in the first-person, but I changed it during my first round of editing (which I finished last weekend)
April 21, 2014 — 12:38 PM
cajetane says:
I didn’t get a strong enough sense of who/where this guy was but I sure did ‘feel’ him! Strong voice. Depending on where in the larger piece this sits, ‘his first thought’ may not really be his first thought, maybe more likely something about being hustled along? It didn’t really gel with me because when I think of a door slamming shut somehow I’m INSIDE, not outside, so then there was a moment of confusion as I reoriented and tried to work out how he could see it was sunny outside. I agree with the earlier comments but I would leave the f bomb in. It’s in character/fits the situation.
April 21, 2014 — 3:55 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Strong voice. I’d also be tempted to switch figures to ‘it figured’ because everything else is past tense. Love how the sentence ‘In reality…’ just runs and runs with all the things that are wrong. Not too worried about the f-word if that’s part of your character, but did seem a bit over-the-top when taken out of context.
April 21, 2014 — 4:13 PM
lynnwillis853335312 says:
From my WIP, NoBody’s Baby:
My husband bled out while a quarreling couple argued over where the boyfriend spent his paycheck. No one held Tommy’s hand and lied to him, telling him everything would be alright. No one prayed over him or asked if his heart was right with the Lord. No one told him his wife and two small kids would be taken care of. I’ve often wondered if he thought of us in those last few breaths.
April 21, 2014 — 8:38 AM
gobeavs says:
Nice, I like this one. Emotional, intriguing.
April 21, 2014 — 10:00 AM
lynnwillis853335312 says:
Thanks for the comment!
April 21, 2014 — 11:52 AM
elainejackson12014 says:
This is very moving – first person close, past tense, and nothing to distract from a widow’s sad reflection on her husband’s last moments. I would love to read more – who was her husband? Why did he die? Who is the narrator and what will happen to her and the children now? I like it a lot.
April 21, 2014 — 10:24 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Nice. Good sense of grief from the narrator.
The first sentence made me think she was with her husband as he was bleeding out while the rest makes it clear she was not. No good ideas on changing that but thought you’d want to know the impression from at least one reader.
April 21, 2014 — 11:00 AM
Jon says:
While I didn’t think that at first read, I can see it on reread.
one way to fix might be to add a little description:
My husband bled out alone in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium, row 14, while three feet away…
April 21, 2014 — 3:40 PM
Jon says:
Very nice, very evocative. One possible suggestion in another comment below.
My only thought here is that the last sentence jars with the rest — the focus is on her husband throughout, and then with “I’ve often wondered” it’s jerked back to the narrator. I wonder if this needs to be looked at?
April 21, 2014 — 3:42 PM
lynnwillis853335312 says:
Thanks Jon – great suggestions!
April 21, 2014 — 4:01 PM
Norma Parfitt says:
This is a good hook. I instantly feel attached to the narrator and I can feel the anger over Tommy’s death.
It really makes me want to read on
April 23, 2014 — 6:26 AM
Mozette says:
I picked out this paragraph – with dialogue – as it’s my all-time favourite from my Fry Nelson book 1 Trilogy. It’s from the second novella – ‘The Psychic’ – and the day after Fry ‘interviewed’ his new client, Jenna Mayes… interviewing a psychic of her type (one who works through touch) means that he has to have sex with her to find out answers to questions she won’t answer verbally… and it also means she finds out things about him nobody normally would know as well. 😛 This is the next day at his workplace when the programmer – Paul – has to download everything from Fry’s brain onto a computer using a jack-in lead.
Paul stood by the desk as the door closed quietly and looked at the three. He dumped his leads and memory sticks on the table, “So, Angelina, you’re having the same bugshit problems you usually do with psychics. You can’t stand ‘em.”
“Shut up Paul.” She disengaged her gun and put it down, “Just download the info Fry got and let him go home.”
“I’m not leavin’ her with you.” Fry retorted, “Not after you’ve nearly blown her head off in your office.”
Paul opened a new jack-in kit and nodded, “Fry’s got a point, let them go back to his place and have more sex. God knows, he needs it.” He gave both Fry and Jenna a wicked look and a wink.
Jenna blushed as Fry smiled and Angelina slammed her gun on the desk. She turned and looked outside; furious about what she was going to let Fry do.
April 21, 2014 — 8:40 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Mozette,
Interesting concept – sex for info – love it. Good dialogue, but some editors might say keep the tags to simple, he said, she says, rather than descriptive (Fry retorted).
The only other thing that stands out it that technically, the clause following a semi-colon should be complete and your, “furious about what she was going to let Fry do.”, is a fragment. But what the heck, the para works pretty well and as I said, I love the concept. ;
April 21, 2014 — 8:55 AM
Mozette says:
Hey, thanks for your help with it. 😀 I’m happ you like as much as I do.
‘Fry Nelson: Bounty Hunter’ is based in the year 2030 or so where our country has moved on politically, economically and environmentally. Not everything is going well, but life for the human race goes on – as it does – and so, I’ve tried to keep a few things in it as normal as possible so people from now can see the Brisbane I do… and that some of it is still around in the future I have written. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 9:23 AM
Jon says:
Bit longer than a paragraph, but only one person’s had at it so I’ll give it a whirl. 🙂
Plusses: Engaging scenario. Good tension.
Line edits:
> Paul stood by the desk as the door closed quietly and looked at the three.
As written, the door is doing the looking.
> He dumped his leads and memory sticks on the table, “So, Angelina, you’re having the same bugshit problems you usually do with psychics. You can’t stand ‘em.”
I’m not sure whether it’s “leeds” or “leds” here. In context presumably I’d know, but out of context it hurt my ability to visualize what was being dumped. May or may not matter.
Could a sound cue be used here as the things hit the table?
Dialog is too writerly for my taste; I can’t feel this coming out of a character’s mouth uninterrupted. I also have a hard time feeling it coming as the first line out of someone’s mouth when he walks into a room. Third, it feels too much like the writer telling me things for my sake, instead of the character saying things for his sake. Last (minor), actions usually aren’t used as dialog attributions. (“He dumped… “So…”)
Written differently it might work, but as is it feels simultaneously too abrupt and too unlikely.
Consider if it had been written:
> His leads and memory sticks jangled onto the table. “Angelina, Angelina.”
> Angelina looked up from the disassembled pistol on the towel before her. “What now?”
> “What is it with you and psychics?” He boosted himself up onto the desk with a grunt.
See the difference? One feels like an entry; the other doesn’t. One allows the reader to infer things, the other states them. Obviously it’s not exactly the same story, but if you get what I’m talking about it might help you out.
> “Shut up Paul.” She disengaged her gun and put it down, “Just download the info Fry got and let him go home.”
The comma after “down” should be a period. Could some sensory/in-the-moment stuff be brought in when she “disengages” the gun?
The two actions between her bits of dialog seemed one too many.
FWIW, in this selection I’m not getting a sense of who the POV character is. I wonder if that needs to be made more clear. If the entire piece is in omni, then probably not, but if it’s in a limited third, then maybe we should be filtering this through the POV character’s senses and internalizations?
> “I’m not leavin’ her with you.” Fry retorted, “Not after you’ve nearly blown her head off in your office.”
Fry’s second line of dialog felt a little more written then spoken.
> Paul opened a new jack-in kit and nodded, “Fry’s got a point, let them go back to his place and have more sex. God knows, he needs it.” He gave both Fry and Jenna a wicked look and a wink.
Paul’s duplicate action — “a wicked look and a wink” seems redundant.
Possible opportunity for more sensory stuff as the “new jack-in kit” is opened.
Another double action, this time on Paul’s behalf.
“nodded” is not a dialog attribution.
“…and have more sex” sounds like it’s being said by a sitcom virgin.
> Jenna blushed as Fry smiled and Angelina slammed her gun on the desk.
That’s a lot of simultaneity going on there. Also, the durations are all wrong – a blush is a slow thing, while a smile and something being slammed somewhere are all instantaneous. I don’t know that all three characters’ reactions are necessary. A lot of that will come down to the POV character and where his/her focus is during the scene. If we’re omni, then the above might be supported, but the timing thing still needs working out.
> She turned and looked outside; furious about what she was going to let Fry do.
Semicolon should be a comma here.
“furious about what she was going to let Fry do” – can/should this be: a) made more specific (rather than the vague “what she was going to let Fry do”), and simultaneously b) tightened a bit? It’s a little clunky to my inner ear.
The *stuff* that’s here is really engaging, but the presentation layer needs a bit of work. Good luck!
April 21, 2014 — 3:10 PM
Mozette says:
Hey thanks Jon. You’ve covered a lot of ground with my work and I appreciate it. You sound like you’re an editor in RL and know how to get to the nitty-gritty… thanks! 😀
I’m going through the first story at the moment… however I will take your critique into consideration and see how I can mix some of what you’ve said into my work; as I like what you’ve gotten Paul to say. I do want him to be a more human than robotic type character in my books. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 7:55 PM
Jon says:
Happy to help, Mozette! Remember it’s just one opinion. I’m not an editor, though I work hard on sentence-level and paragraph-level skills. The more you pay attention and break things down, the better the technical skills get :).
April 21, 2014 — 8:44 PM
Heather says:
So much said in such a short paragraph, I love it. I can see the father, see the daughter, feel the pain of him having just given up. Awesome!
April 21, 2014 — 9:14 PM
cindysprigg says:
Gone are the lush forests of my youth. The trees now stand bare of leaves, as if locked within winters spell and the clear running streams that once meandered their way through the kingdom have long since dried up. I myself, spent many a lazy day frittering away the hot summer hours, lost in dreams at the edge of one of these streams, while a worm at the end of my line teased a trout into biting.
April 21, 2014 — 8:44 AM
gnashchick says:
This reads like a prose poem. Lovely. The only thing I’d suggest is dropping, “Myself,” to make the sentence, “I spent many a lazy day…”
April 21, 2014 — 10:31 AM
Monica Postma says:
I love this! Your writing is beautiful, and I’m immediately put into a fantasy setting. I also want to know what hapenned. What happened to the forests? Is it just winter, or is there soemthing bigger going on, like a curse has been laid over the land? I would keep reading.
April 21, 2014 — 10:53 AM
Peter Hentges says:
Agree with the others, this has a poetic, other-worldly feel to it.
April 21, 2014 — 11:03 AM
cindysprigg says:
thank you so much for your comments, this is part of a prologue for a book I am working on….as it is short I will post the balance for those that wanted to read on, if this is not allowed, please except my apologies and remove:
Through the eyes of an old and dying man, I look out over fields once ablaze with a rainbow of colours of the many flowers and wild grasses, now brown and overgrown with scrub brush and brambles. A land where wildlife once abounded and unicorns could frequently be seen, frolicking carelessly on a hillside, grazing at forest’s edge or drinking from the nearby stream.
A land where the sound of children’s laughter was mixed with the cheerful sounds of the songbirds above was now a land where only the cries brought about by hollow bellies permeated through the stone fortress and its outbuildings.
As the morning sun burns the mist off the hill tops surrounding the castle walls, I hear the sound of hooves on the cobblestones of the courtyard below. It was the King and his men, readying themselves for the morning hunt. I know that they will return empty handed, as they had every morning for many years now, ever since the unicorns left.
And so, without further ado, myself being one of the older members of the castle’s inhabitants, I have taken it upon myself to record the story, before it is forgotten, of how a once thriving kingdom, one of the richest in the land, now lies in distress.
April 21, 2014 — 11:17 AM
archaeoacoustics says:
Hey cindysprigg – I agree with the others about how this reads beautifully and entrances the reader. I love it. In terms of some details, though:
I’d have winter with an apostrophe – doesn’t the spell belong to winter? As in: ‘winter’s spell.’ I would also consider a comma after ‘spell’ so that it is more connected with the first part of the sentence and to cut the comma after leaves:
‘The trees now stand bare of leaves as if locked within winter’s spell, and the clear running…’ I may be completely off with my grammar and if that’s the case I would hope a grammar nazi might show up and reply to this comment. I just think that sentence needs slightly better rhythm to ensure that it’s read perfectly.
The rest is haunting and lovely. Well done 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 2:20 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
You picked up the same things I did! Lovely language and imagery…
April 21, 2014 — 4:17 PM
cindysprigg says:
thank you so much for pointing this out.
April 21, 2014 — 7:17 PM
David says:
Nothing from a WIP, just something that came to me a few days ago:
“It’s an angel, Harry. Do you understand what that means? We’re not dealing with your dead grandmother in wings and a halo. It’s a being created by God to serve God with enough power to do anything God asks it to do. And God is not always nice.”
April 21, 2014 — 8:55 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Hmm, I would read more if it was available. This is an intriguing paragraph.
April 21, 2014 — 9:24 AM
Amy says:
Me likey. I love when angels are terrifying, as they should be. You should continue this, see where it goes.
April 21, 2014 — 11:37 AM
cindysprigg says:
love it!
April 21, 2014 — 11:39 AM
Jessica says:
Ooh, I like it. Very reminiscent of Neon Genesis Evangelion with the idea of malevolent angels.
April 21, 2014 — 3:39 PM
cajetane says:
I like this. The character’s ‘voice’ is so clear and the premise is instantly intriguing. I would maybe ease up on the repetition of ‘God’ e.g. ‘It’s a being created by God to serve Him with enough power to do anything He asks it to do. And God is….
April 21, 2014 — 3:45 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Like. Very much. Nothing else to say except I’d read more…
April 21, 2014 — 4:18 PM
Kris says:
I love this snippet. Simple and still powerful dialogue. Too many people get wordy when writing dialogue, real people don’t talk in long formal sentences. Plus I love the end “And God is not always nice.” I hope you work this into something, it would be interesting to read a story where angels and God aren’t anthropomorphized.
April 21, 2014 — 5:56 PM
Heather says:
Thank you! Kerry! Awesome help
April 21, 2014 — 8:55 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
You’re welcome. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 9:01 AM
murgatroid98 says:
This from a flash fiction I wrote. Y’all are the first people to read any of it. I’ve started rewriting it into a regular short story, several thousand words and this is the beginning. It was originally two shorter paragraphs separated by dialogue. I appreciate any feedback.
My first sip of my first Tom Collins flowed over my tongue in a perfectly sweetened blend of tart lemon and crisp gin. I set the glass on the table and looked around at the possibilities. Most of the seating was in booths filled couples or foursomes out for fun on a Friday night. A few singles had come in, mostly women like us, looking to have a few drinks and maybe dance a little. Most of the patrons were human, with a few who only appeared be human. We sat at one of the tables located near the dance floor.
April 21, 2014 — 9:16 AM
David says:
Pretty good overall! The first sentence implies to me that the narrator is both a first-time drinker and a veteran drinker, which threw me a bit. You have a typo in the middle – should be “booths filled WITH couples”. And I’d consider making the last sentence the first sentence of your next paragraph.
April 21, 2014 — 9:26 AM
murgatroid98 says:
This is a good point. At first I wanted to portray her as someone who often goes out with her friend, but I’m thinking a first time out at a bar might be a better story. the last sentence precedes dialogue, but that can be changed, too. Thanks.
April 21, 2014 — 9:29 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Oh, shoot! I left out a word. It should be “booths filled with couples”
April 21, 2014 — 9:26 AM
abillyhiggins says:
I like it. I get a “Sex in the City” space opera vibe. About the first sentence: are you trying to say it’s her first drink of the night? Because reading that sentence, I find myself more focused on the idea that it’s her first Tom Collins ever. Even if the second sentence reads, “Most of the seating was in booths filled with couples or foursomes out for fun on a Friday night,” I still feel like it’s maybe too preposition-y? This might just be a matter of taste, but I’d split it into two sentences.
I like the last three sentences a lot. Especially, “with a few who only appeared to be human.” I didn’t see that twist coming.
April 21, 2014 — 9:59 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Thanks, re-wording the “seating” sentence for clarity is probably a good idea.
April 21, 2014 — 1:57 PM
Norma Parfitt says:
A few nitpicks.
I don’t think you need two ‘My’s in the first sentence and I’d drop the line “with a few who only appeared be human”. If you just write ” Most of the patrons were human” I think you’ll get the reader more excited.
Apart from that I like the anticipation of an evening out with the girls.
April 23, 2014 — 6:33 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Thank you. Your suggestions and those of the others are very helpful to me.
April 23, 2014 — 9:28 AM
abillyhiggins says:
“Val Rador was a good man,” he said. The stench of booze clung to him, and you could tell he overused barbiturates because of those small, bloodshot eyes. A red necktie made its way across his neck and down to his belt, dividing his torso in half, looking like some open wound. “Val Rador was a good man, right?” he asked.
April 21, 2014 — 9:50 AM
Amy says:
I know a guy named Val Rader, so this caught my eye immediately.
I’d lose both the dialogue tags, they’re not really needed in this context. And I’d shorten the third sentence to punch up the visual some. Suggestion: “A blood red necktie divided his torso in half like some open wound.”
I like the first sentence repeated at the end but as a question. Very intriguing!
April 21, 2014 — 11:46 AM
feralbulb says:
“This has truly been an unforgettable day. Mathematical probabilities and the philosophy of Carl Jung: how does one mix coincidences with the calculation of the occurrence of probabilities? I wonder.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:03 AM
Pavowski says:
I almost feel like I’m not smart enough to parse this, which might serve as a red flag that it’s perhaps too jargon-y.
It’s also awfully short, and without knowing any of the events you refer to here, it’s difficult to grasp the context.
I’d say maybe change “coincidences” to “coincidence” – as “coincidence with calculation” seems to have a music to my ear that “coincidences with calculation” lacks. To go further (again, if this doesn’t fit your context, feel free to ignore), perhaps change it to “how does one justify the coincidence of the day with the calculation…” because really you can *mix* anything you want together, but if you want to *justify* it, then it has to make sense.
I find myself wondering if my comments about helping this make more sense have, themselves, made sense.
At any rate, it speaks of a deeply analytical mind profoundly flustered by whatever has just happened, and I think you capture that voice well.
April 21, 2014 — 1:56 PM
feralbulb says:
Hi Pavowski, thanks a lot for your input. Yes, it’s short: it’s the opening paragraph of one chapter where a lady – a scientist – is describing what happened when she was sitting at a bus stop because an insect landed on a page of the book she was reading and which coincided with some other event taking place at that same bus stop. Your point about coincidence is taken. ‘Justify’ doesn’t seem right either due to context but you’re correct, ‘mix’ is no good and which I’ll replace with ‘explain’.
April 22, 2014 — 9:46 AM
gobeavs says:
“He puffed a cigar that cost more than I made in a week and blew a big cloud of smoke toward the ceiling. Seeing Dino there made my throat ache, the way it does right before you burst into tears—the same way it did when I was a kid and my dad was about to beat the shit out of me. Frankie and I were going to die a miserable, mobster-style death. All those stories we heard growing up—that was going to be us. Bloated, drooping eyes and mouths in cheap, black leather jackets, fished out of the river. Cold skin, like clay, and gross, ugly expressions frozen on our drained faces the cops would joke about while they nudged us with their boots, just in case, to make sure we were really dead. They would tease and laugh at the new guy because he didn’t want to look at us. My mouth was dry. I’d never felt smaller.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:07 AM
Kathy says:
I would suggest that you don’t shift to “you” when describing the throat ache. The character is describing how he feels… not how someone else might feel. Likewise, in my opinion, there’s no need for the childhood reference. Stay in the moment early on, because you’re about to go into a terrific, frightening prediction of how this story might end. Because this second half of the paragraph is so strong and just-graphic-enough, there is absolutely no need for “mobster-style death”. This is apparent, and the suspense is so much more delicious without that overly-obvious statement. To give this paragraph more impact, I would also suggest starting another sentence with, “My mouth was dry.”
Carry on!
April 21, 2014 — 10:53 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
‘Bloated, drooping eyes and mouths in cheap leather jackets’ – sounds like the eyes are bloated and drooping, and the mouths are wearing jackets? Perhaps ‘bodies bloated, drooping eyes and open mouths? On second read, why mention the jackets at all, because all your other references to the corpses are flesh-related; d’you need them?
Do like the run-on of imagination though…
April 21, 2014 — 4:23 PM
KBSpangler says:
It was late and the alley was mostly empty, except for the foursomes practicing half a room away. Rachel had tipped the manager heavily to get the lane at the very end of the building, their own little oasis away from the men’s league and the teenagers groping each other between frames. She shuffled her feet into almost-damp bowling shoes and began to tell Shawn the rules.
There was the squeak of leather on polished wood. Rachel flipped her scans forward to see Shawn roll a perfect strike. Then another. And another.
And another.
April 21, 2014 — 10:07 AM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
If the alley is mostly empty, how much would you really need to tip the manager to get a specific lane?
April 21, 2014 — 1:40 PM
SAM says:
You’ve set the scene well. I know exactly where we are and what’s going on. I even have a small sense of Rachel’s character, but I dont know what “Rachel flipped her scans forward” means. It gives it an utopian feel with a world full of science, but Im not sure that’s what this means. I am curious as to why she thought Shawn needed rules and why he aced it, so it’s definitely intriguing.
April 21, 2014 — 1:48 PM
Shecky MMXIV (@SheckyX) says:
It was a beautiful, starry night, and whoever was in charge of the Department of Meteorological Omens needed an old-fashioned ass-kicking. I mean, if you can’t rely on the weather for classic dramatic clichés telling you to get it in gear, it’s too easy to get caught with your metaphorical pants around your figurative ankles. Or, in my case, literal pants around actual ankles. Not a dignified position in which to start Armageddon, even a baby Armageddon. In a way, though, it was awfully convenient, because seeing Gabriel himself getting bitch-slapped through your very own previously-unentered-by-supernatural-beings bathroom window is fairly likely to cause a reaction that makes having a toilet right there a good thing. A /very/ good thing.
April 21, 2014 — 10:12 AM
Monica Postma says:
I love the humor in this paragraph. It definitely feel like a story I’d enjoy, and I would like to read on.
April 21, 2014 — 11:04 AM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
This makes the narrator sound like he’s got a serious compulsion related to pants. Rewrite.
April 21, 2014 — 1:38 PM
doverwhitecliff says:
Hi Shecky! Love the voice of the narrator here. The smart@$$ humor is not overdone, and, as a writer, I really love the fact that you contrast ‘literal’ and ‘figurative’. Not sure about the slashes around the ‘very’. Italics might be better (not tech savvy…if the slashes mean it’s supposed to be in italics, many apologies). When this comes out I REALLY want to read it. Reminds me a bit of Discworld crossed with Aahz and Skeeve. Excellent! Especially want to know how one would go about holding a baby Armageddon. Brings all sorts of interesting pictures to mind. Great paragraph!
April 21, 2014 — 3:15 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Like it very much – though I confess I’ve no idea what bitch-slapping is…
April 21, 2014 — 4:25 PM
Mat Hockey says:
That’s when I first took notice of where I was – institutional white walls, medical waste bin complete with bio-hazard symbols, steel desk bolted to the floor, my own blood all on the paper sheets.
“This ain’t no fuckin’ motel.” I said.
“Well done you cracked it,” Charlie lifted the needle and tapped it until a jet of clear liquid throbbed out of the end. “Trust me I’m a doctor.”
“The hell you are.” I balled my fist up and made like I was gonna smash it into his face if he came any closer.
“Med school. Four years John Hopkins. Was going to specialise in ophthalmic surgery only… it’s not important.”
“Your about to stick a tube full of premeditated murder in my arm and suddenly it’s not important?”
“Keep your voice down.”
Somebody shuffled to a stop in the corridor, I could feel the silence of them holding their breath listening. We both held our breath right back at them. Took ‘til I was blue in the face for whoever it was to move off.
“I got caught writing up fake scrip ok? Diamorphine. Valium. Shit like that.” Charlie said once we were sure nobody was listening.
“What is that stuff?”
“Diamorphine? Like heroin, only cleaner…”
“No dummy, that.” I pointed to the needle.
“It’s for your concussion.”
“Concussion? Fuck.”
“Yeah I got one too but I already took my shot.” He said and I saw a little pearl of blood on the inside of his arm where the needle had gone in.
April 21, 2014 — 10:23 AM
Amy says:
Really, really like this. I love dialogue and yours is punchy and flows great. I so want to read more. So, no real critique, just kudos.
April 21, 2014 — 11:21 AM
Teresa says:
My only criticism is not for you, but for the English language: ’til is awkward. I know it is a contraction of until and should be punctuated accordingly, but it is so commonly spoken without the “un” that English to just accept it as a word so that written dialogue can express what is spoken without the jarring presence of an apostrophe.
This is excellent! The dialogue is sharp and unexpected without being unnatural. I’d love to read the rest.
April 21, 2014 — 12:20 PM
richardsturgis says:
My momma always told me that a life of crime was only half a life, but I’ve been doing all right by it these last few years. Jobs have been thin, at least those where you get a regular paycheck. So, I take those kinds on the side. Some of them have been legit. Construction, landscaping, shit like that. Every once in awhile, Juan, who I’ve done some lawn jobs with, comes up with a gig that gets a nice spread. Nothing like knocking over a liquor store or nothing. But Juan called me up with a big job. Something that would take care of us for a bit, but it was across the border. Hell, I’d take it just for the chance to do something other than mowing grass or slinging dirt.
April 21, 2014 — 10:23 AM
gnashchick says:
Every once in a while (use the noun, not the adverb). I’d edit: “Something across the border that would take care of us for a bit.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:41 AM
richardsturgis says:
Good catch! Thanks!
April 21, 2014 — 10:50 AM
cajetane says:
I like the way this paragraph flows, the language is colourful and evocative of the character, I immediately got a sense of who is speaking but I’m not clear on some of the meanings. ‘Jobs have been thin, at least those where you get a regular paycheck. So, I take those kinds on the side. Some of them have been legit. Construction…’ By ‘jobs’ does he mean criminal activities? I am getting confused as to which jobs are thin on the ground – the legit or the criminal….? Also, maybe drop one of the two ‘buts’.
April 21, 2014 — 4:07 PM
richardsturgis says:
Great feedback! Thanks!
April 22, 2014 — 8:59 AM
Norma Parfitt says:
Good opener. I like your hero’s cocky attitude, but he’s headed for trouble isn’t he?
I think you could drop the last part “or slinging dirt” of the last sentence and have more impact.
Definitely a paragraph that would make me read on.
April 23, 2014 — 6:39 AM
richardsturgis says:
Yes, he’s certainly going to get into some trouble. Thanks for the feedback!
April 23, 2014 — 9:43 AM
Ken Lozito says:
The notes of the bladesong pierced the air, and all around him glowed white as one voice emerged from all the voices of ancient souls. Aaron pulled the currents of energy from the staff, and a shaft of white light shot forth into the medallion, burning through his shirt. The crystal in the medallion blazed then shot forth the Alenzar’seth family symbol into the night sky. In the heart of Khamearra, home to the High King and the Elite Order, the Shandarian coat of arms of a dragon cradling a single rose blazed upon the night sky for all to see.
A mighty roar streaked through the arena, and the ground behind Aaron thundered and shook almost sending him off balance.
“We heed your, call Safanarion.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:27 AM
Pavowski says:
Feels like you really want us to see the details – it’s almost cinematic, really – so I’d tune the language a bit to match.
“all around him glowed white” – meaning everything around him glowed white? Feels a bit unclear.
In the 2nd and 3rd sentences, you use the verb “shot”. Maybe you can use more specific language – and I’m just spitballing – to rewrite sentence 2/3 thus: “…a shaft of white light seared through his shirt and into the medallion. The (ruby? diamondine? Sapphiric?) crystal adorning the medallion caught fire, and from the fire, the Alenzar’seth family symbol erupted into the night sky.”
likewise, “coat of arms of a dragon” feels a little cumbersome. Could just replace it with “coat of arms: a dragon” or set it off with dashes or commas: “coat of arms — a dragon cradling a single rose — blazed”
Oh, also, blazed is in there twice.
You’ll want a comma after “thundered and shook.”
Word choice is incredibly author-specific and if you’re repeating yourself on purpose, that’s good and great and groovy, but on first read (and, to be fair, out of context) this doesn’t feel like that.
That said, you’ve got a lot of good solid action, and quite a vivid picture painted.
April 21, 2014 — 1:46 PM
Ken Lozito says:
Thanks. Definitely food for thought.
April 21, 2014 — 5:02 PM
elainejackson12014 says:
This is from my WiP, ‘All Our Tomorrows’:
It took me a moment to realise that he was talking about the research funding. I hesitated; Emma had put me in an awkward position. ‘She has, actually,’ I heard myself say. ‘But she wanted to tell you herself…’ I retrieved my mobile, and sat down again. I brought up Emma’s last text and slid the phone across the table. ‘Please don’t tell her I told you.’ Was I really so peeved that she’d asked me to keep secrets from my husband, or because she might have a boyfriend she hadn’t told me about? Either way, I as soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. The look on Tom’s face almost made up for it; his frown disappeared, and his grin reminded me of the moment he’d first held Emma in his arms twenty three years ago: wide, unguarded, joyous.
April 21, 2014 — 10:30 AM
Rose Red says:
I like how this feels. I can imagine the emotions with it, especially the last line. It tugged at every romantic spot in my old heart.
I wouldn’t use quite so many semi-colons if it were me. Particularly the one in the line beginning, ‘The look on Tom’s face’. I would put a period after ‘it’ and make a new sentence starting with ‘His’.
I love the descriptive words. I would like to read more.
April 21, 2014 — 12:49 PM
Jenny Knox (@JennyKnox13) says:
This is from smack dab in the middle of a steampunk murder mystery that I’m currently editing. Jack is our protagonist/detective, and Christopher Danaher is a suspect.
***
The cafe hummed with early evening business, but Jack had little difficulty locating Christopher Danaher in the crowd. Danaher was overdressed for the casual afternoon atmosphere. He wore a long burgundy waistcoat over a tailored linen shirt, fine tan breeches, and tall boots. He wore his dark hair long and fastened back at the nape of his neck. A heavy silver chain with a gaudy cut-glass pendant hung around his neck. Danaher shared his small table with a busty young woman in far less expensive clothing. She had a wild cascade of unruly red hair that framed her pretty face. The woman burst into a sudden fit of laughter that was too loud for the room as she gave Danaher a light, playful shove. He took her hands in his and stroked them lightly. He leaned in close to her face and spoke hushed words into her ear. Danaher caught Jack watching him and both he and his female friend became immediately somber. She stole a furtive glance at Jack and then stood up to retire to a table across the room.
” I do hate to break up a party,” Jack called over the din of the room as he approached Danaher’s table. “Might you be Christopher Danaher?”
April 21, 2014 — 10:34 AM
Amy says:
This is full of lovely descriptions and I can see the characters clearly. I would suggest varying the sentence length and structure. As it is, it reads kinda choppy. Many of the sentences could be combined. Also, almost all of the sentences start with either a pronoun or “Danaher.” Try to vary this as well.
April 21, 2014 — 10:53 AM
Jenny Knox (@JennyKnox13) says:
You hit the nail on the head with this. I wasn’t feeling good about it and I can see why now – sentence length and structure. Thanks!
April 21, 2014 — 12:48 PM
Amy says:
Glad to help!
April 21, 2014 — 1:29 PM
gnashchick says:
Every once in a while (use the noun, not the adverb). I’d edit: “Something across the border that would take care of us for a bit.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:39 AM
gnashchick says:
That was in reply to Richardsturgis. *thwaps browser*
April 21, 2014 — 10:40 AM
codenamenox says:
*sneaks in*
So, this is from the beginning of my current WIP…
*drops paragraph in*
*sneaks out*
***
On the other side of the room, there’s a broken floorboard. I can see it very well from the corner where I’m sitting. Most of the time, anyway. Right now, there’s a man blocking my view. He’s saying something. I’ve been seeing a lot of him recently, but always chose to ignore him. It’s easy. The floorboard’s still there, so all I have to do is keep looking – at it, through him.
“Damn it, boy, will you look at me, at least?”
He’s really not getting it, is he? I’m not going to look at him. Just the floorboard, until he leaves me alone.
He shakes my shoulders. My head swings forward and hits the wall on the way back. It’s a small, dull ache, and it doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that I lose my un-focus, and I’m forced to look him in the face. It’s this or close my eyes, and I don’t like having my eyes closed when someone’s doing things to me. Somehow, it’s always better when my eyes are open. Well, when I say ‘better’…
April 21, 2014 — 10:41 AM
Mike W. says:
This is interesting. It makes me wonder who the narrator is and who the antagonist might be. I like the way the narrator’s mind wanders as he’s being messed with…it feels authentic. You could probably cut the dash between “looking” and “at” and just go with the comma for effect.
April 21, 2014 — 3:05 PM
codenamenox says:
Thank you! The mind-wandering is quite what I was going for, as my narrator is still exceedingly confused about his surroundings at this point. Good point about the comma, I will do that.
April 23, 2014 — 7:39 PM
Norma Parfitt says:
I really loved this except for the last sentence and a bit “Somehow, it’s always better when my eyes are open. Well, when I say ‘better’…” That feels really waffly and unnecessary.
April 23, 2014 — 6:46 AM
codenamenox says:
Thank you very much! I’ll see what I can do about the ending of that paragraph. The ‘when I say’ construct is something that tends to come back with this narrator, it tends to be one of his preferred storytelling hooks. Ironically enough, he uses that construct four times throughout the novel this is from, twice in very light-hearted storytelling, and twice in heavy/scary situations.
April 23, 2014 — 7:44 PM
Amy says:
“It all started with a signal, beamed out into the swirling, tumbling cosmos with no destination, only a hope that it would bounce off just the right rock, get just the right attention. Like a binary personal ad, the signal announced that the young, attractive, fit planet named Odt had its own atmosphere, a variety of sentient and non-sentient lifeforms, and was seeking another planet for companionship or, perhaps, more. It’s a big, lonely universe, and you have to put yourself out there if you want to make friends. But as it happens when you send out an open invitation to party, you never know who, or what, will knock on your door.”
April 21, 2014 — 10:44 AM
Mat Hockey says:
I like this. Really makes me wonder what the hell is going on. Planetary personal ads is a fun concept. I’m sure you’ll get somebody bringing up the amount of commas but I like it, it adds to the idea of the “swirling, tumbling cosmos.”
April 21, 2014 — 11:12 AM
Amy says:
Yeah, hear ya about the commas, but I can’t lose them without completely changing the wording and the thought of doing that makes me want to cry.
Thank you!
April 22, 2014 — 8:23 AM
Lee Thompson says:
I like it too. Definitely grabs my attention and I dig the voice.
April 21, 2014 — 11:38 AM
Amy says:
Thank you so much!
April 22, 2014 — 8:24 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Love this – just the right amount of irreverence. I’d want to learn more. Loved the ‘binary personal ad’!
Couple of SPaGs you could attend to…
Perhaps lose the ‘Once upon a time’ opining?
“But as it happens[comma] when you send out an…
April 21, 2014 — 12:37 PM
Amy says:
This isn’t the beginning of the whole novel (it’s almost the exact middle) and this is kinda a history lesson so I thought I could get away with the “once upon a time” format just to make this info dump sound less info dumpy. If that makes sense.
Thank you!
April 22, 2014 — 8:27 AM
joannadacosta2014 says:
This evokes memories of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It reads like a fun trip that I want to take. My only input is that you write “just the right rock” and “just the right attention” back to back. The repetition of “just” calls my attention the language, which is otherwise smooth flowing. It may be me, I see/hear repetition and patterns, and get stuck on them. No worries, it’s probably just a tumor.
April 21, 2014 — 10:33 PM
Amy says:
“This evokes memories of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” – that is one of the biggest compliments you could ever give me. I’m a huge fan of Douglas Adams. Thank you!
I used the repetition on purpose as a kinda stylistic thing. I use repetition a bit throughout the novel along with alliteration. I always worry about crossing over the border from cute to annoying.
Thanks again!
April 22, 2014 — 8:32 AM
maryann says:
this paragraph opens the entire story:
“You can scream if you want to, my dear,” Magdalene whispered in Druda’s ear. “No one can hear you.”
But Druda didn’t scream. Her contractions had taken over her mind as well as her body and she was deep within herself. She had heard Magdalene the Healer’s voice in her ear, but she could no longer connect it to a face or another body. All that existed for her right here, right now, was the tiny human trying to escape her womb, and Druda was doing all she could to make it happen sooner rather than later.
April 21, 2014 — 10:53 AM
Lee Thompson says:
I’d cut the first section of this and some other parts so that it reads smoother (to me anyway). Use stronger verbs, for one. Like this:
Druda didn’t scream. Her contractions pummeled her mind and sent shock waves through her body. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and retreated deep within herself. Magdalene the Healer whispered soothingly close to her ear but her voice sounded disembodied and distant. There was only the pain, and the tiny creature trying to escape her womb.
April 21, 2014 — 11:49 AM
maryann says:
Lee, thanks so much for the feedback. I think you’re right. Your version is stronger and smoother.
April 21, 2014 — 6:34 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
There’s an implied threat in Magdalene’s whispered words…is the fact that no-one can hear a way of protecting Druda? Especially as Druda is keen to get the birth over with. And I well remember that sensation of going within yourself during labour… Great start.
April 21, 2014 — 4:32 PM
maryann says:
thanks so much for the feedback.
April 21, 2014 — 6:28 PM
Peter Hentges says:
Opening paragraph of a short story:
In the pre-dawn light, Miegan slipped out of the outpost on the border between Aksum and Sailendra. He’d been stationed here soon after taking a contract with Aksum and seen the forest around the lonely keep go through its blaze of autumn color and settle into the dark green-blacks of winter, contrasting with the deep snows. The months passed more quickly than the days, and even this routine patrol was a welcome diversion now that the forest had filled with green and the sounds of birds and animals again.
April 21, 2014 — 11:06 AM
Lee Thompson says:
I like how it produces an immediate question of why he’s slipping out of the outpost. In introducing his name (Miegan) I thought he was a girl, like Megan, though. Don’t know if anybody else will. Like the descriptions too and it has a nice flow to it, Peter.
April 21, 2014 — 11:53 AM
Peter Hentges says:
I was shooting for a Germanic-sounding male name, but you’re not the first reviewer to peg it as a female name.
April 21, 2014 — 1:44 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Pretty good opening to what appears to be a sword and sword and sorcery fantasy? I particularly liked the moths passing by more quickly than the days – shows how boring his life has been.
The second sentence has what, five clauses? Perhaps a tad long. I’d cut.
The rest is solid.
April 21, 2014 — 12:43 PM
Peter Hentges says:
Bingo on the genre, though this ended up not bringing any sorcery to the party. I see what you’re saying about that second sentence. I think I tend to get a little long-winded that way; something to check for throughout the story, thanks!
April 21, 2014 — 1:46 PM
Monica Postma says:
To anyone who was aroound for the first line post and the logline post, I am using the same story as from those two posts.
Vampires are a caricature of humans. Eyes much too large, lips far too shiny to be real. Unearthly pale and gaunt, with red eyes and two rows of hollow, sharp, venomous teeth, and they always have their backs kind of hunched. I know, I know, my mother’s given me the spiel: They’re uncomfortable in their human forms and they like to fly in the night in their true form. But they’re ugly, and that’s all there is to it. But they’re also near-immortal and night walkers and bloodsuckers, and for some reason, Haley thinks they’re romantic.
April 21, 2014 — 11:06 AM
Peter Hentges says:
The sentence describing the vampires’ characteristics that starts with “Unearthly” seems awkwardly long. Maybe break it up into short sentences like the the previous one?
I kind of want to know what they’re true form is, since it is apparently quite different than human. I’m also curious as to what the narrators relationship to Haley is.
Since this narrator has a definite opinion about the vampires and this is being told from his/her viewpoint, I’d like to see some emotional tags on some of these descriptions too. How does the narrator feel when viewing a vampire? How does her opinion color the descriptions so they are no longer objective?
I like this intro. Sounds like Haley is in some trouble and the narrator is off to assist in some fashion.
April 21, 2014 — 1:53 PM
Lee Thompson says:
The opening paragraph to the novel I’m rewriting called THE DEVIL GAVE THEM BLACK WINGS.
The day before Robin Stark was kidnapped, thirteen-year-old Nina Kunis’s life took a drastic and unexpected turn when she noticed and approached the strange young man sitting quietly in the park across from her home. It was September twenty-fifth. And even there—in Cleveland, Tennessee, eight hundred miles south of Ground Zero—the reverberations and ripples of shattered security manifested themselves in most citizens’ everyday lives. And it was as if the strange young man had carried debris with him, for she would learn later that he came from New York and had been there to witness the devastation among the crowds clogging the streets, his voice raised with theirs in a wail of disbelief and fear and anger. And he’d been there later as lower Manhattan was evacuated, his clothing saturated with sour funk and dust, stumbling blindly among the ashes and rubble, the heavy watch his wife, Santana, had bought him tight on his wrist. He carried it away while she lay buried beneath the destruction, their unborn son lifeless in her womb. And he’d felt trapped too, dead inside, as unfeeling as the mass grave dust from the twin towers that would always blemish the shoes he had taken off in their apartment two weeks ago and left by the door as a reminder.
April 21, 2014 — 11:33 AM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Hi Lee, and interesting opening para but a tad wordy and very ‘telling rather than showing’.
There are a couple of filters in there that could be cut e.g. “she noticed and approached” – you don’t need the ‘noticed as she had to do that or she wouldn’t have approached, right?
Repetitions of ‘strange young man’ – unnecessary. Rather than repeat the description. I’d be interested to know in what way was he strange?
There’s a 53 word sentence in there, starting: “And it was as if the strange…” I”d cut that in two or three for ease of comprehension.
That being said, there’s enough going on here to intrigue and show an interesting story in the making
April 21, 2014 — 12:51 PM
Peter Hentges says:
The first thing that struck me here was that I’m supremely confused as to whose story this is. In the first sentence, three characters are introduced. I leave that sentence thinking that this is a story about Nina (for her life is taking a dramatic turn).
Then we hit “she would learn later” and get a big info dump of back story on this un-named character. We don’t even know this guy’s name and we know that of his dead wife. None of this seems like things Nina would learn from just approaching him unless she has some past-seeing paranormal ability we don’t know about yet.
So it feels like this story is starting in the wrong place, or that the viewpoint is on the wrong character.
Apart from that, I like the general prose style here. Nice use of language and details. But if this was the first paragraph of a book I picked up off a shelf, I’d probably set it back.
April 21, 2014 — 2:01 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Afraid I’m confused too, as to whose story this is? Robin is the first person mentioned, yet Nina’s life is the one which changed and then we get a history of the strange young man.
And yes, I’d consider breaking up that very long sentence too.
Other than that, I like ‘his clothing saturated with sour funk and dust’ and ‘as unfeeling as the mass grave dust from the twin towers that would always blemish his shoes.’
April 21, 2014 — 4:38 PM
cindysprigg says:
It was a time when door-to-door salesmen were plentiful. A time when my Grandmother’s Unicorn had no trouble satisfying its thirst for blood, fuller brush men being among its favorite.
April 21, 2014 — 11:34 AM
physicsjenn says:
I like this a lot. Just enough words to convey that something is very unusual in this world. I might change the end to “…thirst for blood. Fuller Brush men were its favorite.” because I think the passive gerund is a little awkward, but that’s a personal preference. Also, I’m assuming “Fuller Brush” is a brand of something that edible door-to-door salesmen sell. Perhaps you could also mention a variety of salesmen the unicorn didn’t like? Or maybe there aren’t any it didn’t like.
April 21, 2014 — 11:42 AM
cindysprigg says:
thanks for the helpful input, please expand on your first comment and as for its dislikes,that comes in later…lol
April 21, 2014 — 11:49 AM
physicsjenn says:
I could definitely re-write this so that it was a lot longer, while giving the same information, and it wouldn’t have the same impact. It’s good. Overall impression is I like it.
April 21, 2014 — 12:08 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Amusing and well written. I’m old enough to know what a Fuller Brush salesman sold, but young readers mightn’t. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 12:54 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
“Hi. You had a sign that says ‘Help Wanted’ outside, and I’m looking for a job.”
“Wow. I’m so glad you stopped by. What do you know about the Fuller Brush company?”
“Oh, so this is door-to-door sales. I’ve noticed a lot more people getting into that after all the Amazon drones crash-landed. When can I start?”
“Today! You have a delivery to make already.”
“That’s excellent. I’ve been out of work for so long. Do you need me to fill out any forms?”
“I don’t think that will be necessary. Here’s a clipboard with the address. Don’t mind the bloodstains. The woman who lives there has a unicorn, and it’s very dangerous. It’s eaten the last three salesmen we’ve sent over there, so please use caution.”
“Eaten as in eaten.”
“Yes. Unicorns are very bloodthirsty, you know. You might want to try distracting it or something. Off you go.”
“You’re sending me to be eaten by a unicorn on my first day on the job?”
“Well, yes. It’s amazing what we save on staff training expenses.”
April 21, 2014 — 1:33 PM
physicsjenn says:
This is the opening paragraph from a WIP:
I remember my mother swimming every morning of my childhood. She would rise with the sun, braid her long, dark hair, and slip into the blue-green swimsuit that she had had for as long as I could remember. Teal, she would call it. Like me, I would say. My name is Teal, a blue-green. Or a kind of duck, she told me. Then she would descend the gravel path to the lake and sink into the water, her braid waving out behind her head like the tail of some strange fish. And she would be gone, for a little while.
April 21, 2014 — 11:35 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
I would avoid the repetition of the word “remember’ in the first two sentences. Try to come up with another way of saying that. Also, you have these long, lovely descriptive sentences bracketing the bits about teal, as a color, or a name, or a duck, and these feel out of place and disrupt the flow. Maybe break this up into separate paragraphs?
April 21, 2014 — 12:48 PM
physicsjenn says:
Cripes, I totally missed that repetition. I guess that’s why these things are so useful. Thanks for your comments!
April 21, 2014 — 12:55 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
I agree with Aimee. The opening line might be stronger starting:
“My mother swam every morning…”
On the other hand, I rather like the play on words with Teal – nice. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 1:04 PM
Luke Matthews (@GeekElite) says:
“The sound of the waterfall was only just audible as they approached the downward end of Kelef. The falls would be a fantastic sight and sound in midsummer, but at this time of year it was little more than a trickle of water through the center of a tall column of crystal and white, glittering in the moonlight as they crossed the final bridge to the east side of the city. The fortress wall soared into the mountain cleft above the waterfall column, an impenetrable, unbroken curve of smooth granite. Away from the fortress the city spread out, terraces of stone buildings lifting away from the foundation street. Kelef’s many bridges fit together in a seemingly unbroken canopy over the chasm that split the city, capped at the opposite end by the dominant gate bridge. In the daylight the city was magnificent; all color and light shimmering in the surface of sparkling granite. At night, as the snow fell, it took on a powerful ethereal quality that was at once breathtaking and menacing.”
April 21, 2014 — 11:37 AM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
This is totally gorgeous. Great word pictures and solid imagery.
April 21, 2014 — 12:51 PM
Kyra Dune says:
Lovely. Nice job.
April 21, 2014 — 1:52 PM
cajetane says:
Really strong visuals, this flows so smoothly. Almost too smoothly – I got lost! It took me a couple of readings to really understand (I think!) the geography of the city. May break the para in two, and try to break some of the longer sentences up? I think the second sentence would orientate me better if it read something like ‘In midsummer the falls (plural) in full flow were a fantastic sight. At this time of year, there (avoid use of singular) was little more than a trickle of water through the centre of a tall icy column. Crystal and white, it glittered……’ I do love the expansive feel of this description, I would love to read more about this world.
April 21, 2014 — 4:20 PM
Don Robe says:
This is the opening paragraph of my first crack at a novel that follows the made up epigraph I posted last week. They are both short so I’ll post them together.
“Knees trembling and wondering, why am I holding a Limited Edition Louis XIII Custom Cognac Decanter in my right hand and why there’s blood dripping off the gutter of a combat knife in my left.” (Unknown)
Bending and exercising their elbows while drinking the best beer in Asia, two of the six men and women who had their civil rights violated by a Private Thought Control Group (TCG) are also planning for The Summit at the Tavern. Could that be the old Rice Mill in Bataan (3 short vowels and syllables).
April 21, 2014 — 11:50 AM
Emilyjoy says:
First sentence, are his knees wondering something? I think your comma should go after trembling or be gone all together. Also, this is an incomplete sentence. You need some action after you describe what the protagonist is wondering.
Perhaps, “Why is there blood” instead of “why there’s blood” so your two clauses agree.
April 26, 2014 — 12:23 AM
Teresa says:
Static sizzles in my ear, splintering Commander Bolsom’s voice. I punch up the bandwidth on my comm, but all I get is meaningless hiss and it’s eating my power. I reset to standard Lunar Security frequency and ram my boot into the pack I’d tossed on the ground, sending a few stones clinking into the base of the node. Because, you know, kicking things is a great way to fix shit when it’s not working.
April 21, 2014 — 12:07 PM
Kerry J Donovan says:
Tee hee – love the last line! Not sure you need the gerunds, but that’s a matter of personal taste. But apart from that, I loved it all.
April 21, 2014 — 12:58 PM
Peter Hentges says:
Kicking things to get them to work is what I call “percussive maintenance.” 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 2:06 PM
Jacob Quarterman says:
The ending of the second sentence, “and it’s eating my power” seemed out of place to me. I liked the paragraph better without it, but I already really liked it, so, maybe I’m just trying to find something to critique? Good stuff.
April 21, 2014 — 3:00 PM
Aimee Kuzenski says:
From one of my WsIP:
Dave pushed his way to into the next room before the door was even fully open. He shouldered Camilla aside without a word, which made her itch to find out how soft and fragile his facial bones were. He dropped his briefcase on the rustic bed piled high with furs and surveyed the cabin-like surroundings as though looking for a power outlet. Camilla sighed and shut his door gently before she could let slip to him that she hoped he wouldn’t be able to find one.
April 21, 2014 — 12:11 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
This is a bit confusing. Dave walks into the room and shoulders Camilla aside. Was she in the room already? Does she know that it’s him coming through the door? If he’s got a briefcase in hand, it’s that much harder to squeeze through the door. If she wants to hit him, then why doesn’t she? How does she know he’s looking for a power outlet? He could be looking for all sorts of things. I know this is out-of-context, but it doesn’t make a great deal of sense.
April 21, 2014 — 1:25 PM
Eric Watchous says:
The muscles in his arms were taught cords as he gripped the wheel with tense energy. He looked up and down the street, seeing no movement in the neighborhood. A small black cat tattoo danced on the lump of flesh between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand as he rubbed his thumbs back and forth on the wheel. His right leg began to fidget as he tapped his heel repetitively. He cut the ignition, straightened his arms against the wheel pushing his body back into the driver’s seat and exhaled with a forceful blow, deflating the tension in his muscles. “One time,” he said in a resolute voice. He grabbed a clipboard that was on the passenger seat and exited the van, keys still in the ignition.
April 21, 2014 — 12:12 PM
codenamenox says:
I like the tension that permeates all of this paragraph. Excellent motion description on the hand tattoo – I found myself moving my hand in that exact way, just to see if that bit of skin moves the same way (it does). The situation as a whole draws me in, and I’d like to know more about the man – why he’s there, why he’s so tense, and where he’s going with that clipboard.
Critique-wise, I’ve got two (and a half) things. First is the line, which sounds that bit too vague, I guess? I suppose that from the story that follows, we find out what he’s talking about, but right now, I find myself wondering whether he means “one last time”, or “just this once”, or “this will be a one-time thing”, or something else entirely.
(The half-thing is the repetition of ‘noun verbed as pronoun verbed otherwise’ construct, two sentences in a row. An easy enough thing to fix.)
Second, I’m back on the hand tattoo. Despite the awesome motion momvent, the grammar of that sentence throws my POV-radar off. I’m presuming that the story (or this section thereof) is told in third-person limited POV of this man we’re watching. The way you describe the tattoo drops it into the scene as something described by an omniscient or otherwise removed narrator; or, if it’s still from his POV, then the tattoo reads as something almost new to the man. Compare: “a leather jacket, wrapped around his shoulders, kept him warm” vs “the leather jacket wrapped around his shoulders kept him warm” (I cheated with the punctuation a bit to make my point). The use of a definite article creates a more familiar relationship with the object, and unless this is a tattoo he’d never seen before, I’d be more inclined to say, “The small black cat tattoo between his right thumb and forefinger danced as he rubbed his thumbs back and forth on the wheel.”
/two cents
April 21, 2014 — 12:44 PM
Eric Watchous says:
Thanks for reading! I wondered how this would go just pulling a paragraph out of something without much context.
That’s an excellent (and subtle) point about the definite article, it should and will be changed to ‘the.’
The cat is a prison tattoo and the character is about to rob a house in broad daylight. He doesn’t want to return to his life of crime but is presently compelled to make an exception. That’s what the ‘one time’ self commitment is about.
April 21, 2014 — 4:44 PM
Jessica says:
First thing that jumped out at me: you wrote “taught”, I think you meant “taut” – in the first sentence, referring to the man’s hands.
It’s a very strong description and I definitely got a picture in my head, but the POV was a bit confusing. It seemed like there was someone in the van with him rather than an omniscient narrator. I think this may be coming from – for me, anyway – the repetitive use of pronouns at the beginning of almost every sentence. Maybe throw in a name or switch around a description a bit to break it up?
April 21, 2014 — 3:49 PM
Eric Watchous says:
Yep, taut. Sheesh that’s embarrassing. And He He He He, guilty as charged.
This straight out of a first draft so it’s really fun to see the critiques. Thanks for taking the time to supply them. I haven’t settled on the name of the character and have temporarily named him Clint Dempsey who is of course a soccer player. Perhaps that’s why I am so pronoun heavy. It is meant to be onmiPOV.
April 21, 2014 — 4:39 PM
Jessica says:
First drafts are better than no drafts! It’s a really strong beginning. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 5:22 PM
Courtney Cantrell says:
I know I’m cheating a little, but I couldn’t resist adding just two more lines after the paragraph. Mea culpa!
This is from the same WIP as the opening line I posted on Chuck’s blog last week — the story concerning Rafe and his unwanted guest, the “crazy chick” who hits him (http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/04/14/the-first-sentence-critiquing-opening-lines/#comment-367732). Here, their dialogue concerns a woman’s portrait hanging on Rafe’s apartment wall.
Rafe squinted. “Wait a minute. ‘Her face.’ You say that like…like you know her.” He grabbed his unwanted guest by the shoulders, feeling muscles tense beneath her T-shirt. She’d probably hit him again–hell, she’d probably try to beat him senseless just for touching her, and he was still drunk enough that she might succeed. But desperation suffocated caution. “You know the woman in my painting? Who the hell is the woman in my painting?”
The girl didn’t hit him, and she didn’t try to twist out of his grasp, either. Instead, a sly smile spread across her face as she lifted her chin. “So. There is something you care about, after all.”
(I am satisfied with all of this — *for now* — except for the “desperation suffocated caution” sentence. It feels tell-y to me. I’d rather *show* his desperation but am having trouble finding a way to phrase it that doesn’t slow down the ‘graph. Feedback appreciated!)
April 21, 2014 — 12:17 PM
Rose Red says:
Oh I like this! I want more. *grabby hands*. And I read and re-read that sentence in context and I like that as well. Sorry, I don’t have good critique. I like the flow of it and the description of him feeling her muscles under her shirt.
April 21, 2014 — 1:16 PM
Courtney Cantrell says:
Thanks, Rose! I’m glad to hear it all works. Maybe I can’t find a way to rewrite that sentence because it doesn’t actually need rewriting? I am hopeful that’s it. Anyway, I appreciate your “grabby hands” — yes, I do need critique, but hearing of grabby reader hands at least lets me know I’m doing something right. 😉
April 21, 2014 — 4:04 PM
orion says:
Jim Ready stared in the bathroom mirror. He did not like what he saw there. A man in his early thirties with wispy brown hair that resembled a toupee on its best day and a wet rat on its worst stared back at him through dark, blood-shot eyes. He was still tired but the bags under his eyes had taken up a permanent residence despite the amount of sleep that he received, which usually wasn’t much anyway. Jim had been sleeping less and less these days.
April 21, 2014 — 12:23 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
‘and a wet rat on its worst stared back at him…sounds like the wet rat on its worst…what?…is looking at Jim through bloodshot eyes. I’d also be tempted to lose ‘despite the amount of sleep he received’, as that sentence is more powerful without. Also – can you receive sleep or do you just ‘get’ sleep? Not sure…
April 21, 2014 — 4:44 PM
orion says:
hmmmmm… good question! I write how I speak more often than I should. thanks for looking it over
April 21, 2014 — 5:22 PM
Trina says:
“Bring them here, will ya?” she said. After school these last weeks he’d noticed fewer men in a hurry to button shirts over yellow, sweat-stained T-shirts as they passed on the stairs leading to the tiny apartment. He took a step into the stale, dark room and tossed the unopened package of Chesterfields on the bed, just out of her easy reach. He watched as she pushed herself up with effort onto her elbow, seized the cellophaned package, and fell back against the pillow. She breathed heavy, rattling breaths through her mouth and, after a time, through her nose – the air, whistling sharp though her nostrils. The ashtray was full to overflowing, ash and burned out butts spilled over the green glass ashtray into a brown and gray mess of ash and melted filters. The ashy filth settled in layers over tangled piles of crumpled cellophane, cigarette and cigar packages, silver bits of Wrigley’s Doublemint gum wrappers and discarded empty matchbooks, all atop the burn-scarred Formica of the nightstand. He stood silent, still and observed for a moment longer. He used the base of the sweating plastic cup to create a small bit of real estate on the table in which to place her drink.
April 21, 2014 — 12:25 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
Very vivid. I would kill the next-to-last sentence, because it’s boring, and maybe use the last sentence to start the next paragraph, because I don’t understand what it is that you mean (you’re moving a cup to put down a drink, but isn’t the drink in a cup?)
April 21, 2014 — 1:19 PM
Trina says:
ooh! thank you, good point about the last sentence!
April 22, 2014 — 12:24 PM
Eric Watchous says:
I like it. I’m curious about the second line about the men buttoning their shirts. Are those meant to be Johns?
I think the description of the ashtray is a little too heavy. You wind up getting a lot of repeats of ‘ash’ and ‘filter’ and their variations. I would cut ‘The ashtray was full to overflowing’ and just begin the sentence at ‘Ash and burned out butts…’ Also as an ex-smoker I don’t if I can confidently say that filters melt. In fact, you might just cut the sentence down to ‘Ash and burned out butts spilled over the green glass ashtray into a brown and gray mess.’
April 21, 2014 — 5:27 PM
Trina says:
GREAT catch on the repetitiveness – thank you for your suggestion 🙂
April 22, 2014 — 12:25 PM
Trina says:
And yes – but informally so. It’s seen from a young boy (about 12 years old) perspective, and they’re people he knows in the very small town he and his widowed mother live in. It’s not an opening paragraph so the reader will see a bit of the mother falling apart in the chapters preceding. Sorry – should have made it clear this wasn’t the opening. Thank you again for great comments. Much appreciated!!
April 22, 2014 — 12:29 PM
Rose Red says:
This paragraph is from the only novel, my first novel I’ve written. I still haven’t written the end. Peter is divorced and talking about his ex-wife.
She was, in a word, gorgeous. She had eyes that could melt the cheese on my grilled sandwich. Her breasts were so soft and so round, I would just stare at them. I’d give her this look that said, ‘those are for me?’ She’d look at me too, like she read my thoughts. The first time, the very first time, she was standing there, having dropped all of it: turtleneck sweater, jeans, white cotton underwear, and simple white bra. All of that laid on the floor at her feet and she still wore her socks. She hated having cold feet. So she stood there, right? And she took her hands, those amazing hands of hers- oh they were a little big, yes. But they were strong and comforting, and warm, and they could open jars like you would not believe. She took a hand and put it underneath one of those perfect orbs and lifted it up, just so much. She lifted it like a chalice, an offering to me, and only me. I went to her then and buried my face there. Beautiful. She smelled like lavender soap.
April 21, 2014 — 1:00 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
I would lose the grilled-cheese sandwich metaphor, the sentence that reads “So she stood there, right?”, the phrase about opening jars and the word “Beautiful” in the last bit. Not bad, but all those things take away from the image, and the image is what you’re trying to convey, no?
April 21, 2014 — 1:16 PM
Rose Red says:
Thank you. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about restraint. Less is more?
April 21, 2014 — 1:18 PM
Courtney Cantrell says:
I agree with previous commenter Curtis about losing the “so she stood there, right” and the “beautiful.” However, I love the opening jars line, because it says something about her personality (self-reliance) in addition to the physical description. The idea of her opening jars and holding her breast gives me the picture of a woman with multiple layers. She’s not all softness and pliability, but she’s not all hardness and strength, either.
I also think you can get away with the grilled cheese sandwich — IF you’re going for humor in the rest of the piece. Without the greater context, it’s difficult for me to determine whether or not that line really is out of place.
In general — it’s bold and sexy. I’d read more. 🙂
April 21, 2014 — 4:11 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
I see no reason to describe the drunken debauch that I fell into over the next thirty-six hours, except to say that I managed to get through it without calling Adam (or any other old boyfriends, for that matter), doing anything unforgivably stupid on social media, or setting fire to my apartment. By those standards, it was a complete success. I even managed to make room in my makeshift liquor cabinet by draining the last of the random bottles of brandy and gin and Kahlua. The result was a cocktail so epically awful that I christened it the “Prisoner’s Dilemma,” because it was a no-win situation either way: either you drank it, or you stayed sober.
April 21, 2014 — 1:13 PM
Eric Watchous says:
This is good, it leaves me wanting to know more about the character. I got the feeling this is a pretty common occurrence for them. I would cut the parenthetical after Adam. I agree with Rose Red about the choice of ‘random.’ What I picture is someone draining the last few fingers from various liquor bottles, sort of like killing the widows. I don’t know that ‘random’ gets that across. I would also cut the second ‘either’ after the colon.
April 21, 2014 — 2:36 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
Good catch – but I’m taking out the first “either” instead. Thanks.
April 21, 2014 — 3:42 PM
Courtney Cantrell says:
Fun to read, easy to picture, makes me want to read more so I can find out what triggered the 36-hour drunken debauch. The “By those standards…” line got me chuckling. I agree with you about cutting the “either” (I’d cut the whole “either way” phrase), and I agree with Rose about cutting “random” (as in, cutting “random bottles of”). Well done!
April 21, 2014 — 11:41 PM
Rose Red says:
Was your concocted drink only for the fiction or have you done that? It made me grin. I like this. My only thought was about the word random describing the bottles. I’m not sure why that’s there.
April 21, 2014 — 1:21 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
I would not drink that, or encourage anyone to do so. (I have done similar things, like throwing all the extra condiments I had on hand into a marinade, but you wouldn’t want to drink that, either.)
April 21, 2014 — 1:50 PM
Rose Red says:
I’ve made some dubious looking and tasting casseroles from whatever is in the cupboard.
April 21, 2014 — 1:52 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
At my house, we call that “Thursday.” http://www.curtisedmonds.com/its-meatloaf-time-recyclers/
April 21, 2014 — 3:43 PM
Courtney Cantrell says:
At my house, we call that “dinner.” 😉
April 21, 2014 — 11:36 PM
johnadamus says:
Let’s do this:
“Fish guts. The smell hit me before the oily water from the bucket did and I came back to the world, awake-ish, tied to a chair-ish, and in the bowels of a fishing trawler. My one eye was pretty swollen, but I could see a body in a cocoon of tarpaulin and what might have been a bed sheet, before it got all caked with blood and turned rust brown. There was a work bench on my left, and a forearm was laying on it. It had seen better days when it was attached to someone. “
April 21, 2014 — 1:28 PM
SAM says:
This is a gripping paragraph. Some things I noticed: tied to a chair-ish? I get what you are trying to do but it’s not believable that he is only partially tied to the chair, which is what the -ish implies. Also, I’m wondering if the phrase “my only eye” means he literally only has one eye? I love the “cocoon of tarpaulin” and the way the paragraph ends. I’d really love to read the finished product!
April 21, 2014 — 1:39 PM
johnadamus says:
See, here I thought the second “-ish” went with the chair. The line used to be “awake-ish, tied to sort of a chair-ish thing …”
It’ll probably go back.
April 21, 2014 — 1:42 PM
SAM says:
The -ish works better when used in this second way. It’s clearer that it’s a descriptor for whatever he’s tied to.
April 21, 2014 — 1:51 PM
Amanda says:
The paragraph evokes setting very well. I like the tone, which is a bit wry, a bit matter-of-fact, considering your narrator seems to be in a touch of trouble. My preference would be to integrate the fish guts into the first sentence (The smell of fish guts hits me…). “My one eye” gives the impression that your narrator has only one eye, which is at the moment pretty swollen- just checking that’s the case, rather than having one of two eyes swollen. You might lose a few words after that by trimming down to “all caked with rust brown blood.” You might also swap the order of the second to last sentence, so that there’s a forearm on a work bench. That way the last sentence more clearly refers to the arm. Apologies for any overstep in the comments- all well-intended by a bossy, wordy sort of editor.
April 21, 2014 — 1:45 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
You smell the fish guts first before you smell the rotting dead bodies? That must be a lot of fish guts.
April 21, 2014 — 3:49 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
No mention’s made of the body rotting…could be a fresh corpse?
April 21, 2014 — 4:51 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
I’m not sure about the -ish thing either, though I get what you’re trying to do…The sentence about the body in the cocoon, I read as though there was something else the narrator spotted, which might have been a bed sheet. I think you mean that the body is wrapped in both the tarp and bedsheet? Really gripping para.
April 21, 2014 — 4:50 PM
Amanda says:
The first minutes after a four year-old boy goes missing in a department store are surprisingly ordinary. After the escalation to panic, however, a missing boy stills the makeup brushes and mutes the soft electronic beeps of the cash registers. Even the voice calling for Calvin to meet his family at the customer service desk was dull in Kelly’s ears. Her mother’s grip was tight on her right arm and Doug’s hand was sweaty in hers, but her concentration isolated her from even those discomforts. Kelly stared straight ahead and counted the dizzying seconds she held her breath.
April 21, 2014 — 1:32 PM
Mike W. says:
This is engaging…gets the reader to worry about the missing kid. I’d stick the word “as” in the last sentence (…counted the dizzying seconds *as* she held her breath.) You could maybe cut the word “even” in the second-last sentence just to make it flow a little more smoothly.
April 21, 2014 — 3:13 PM
SAM says:
From a story in progress:
He stretched out his hands again, making another box. He put a blank canvas on the easel and stepped back, looking at Logan’s body already starting rigor on the couch. His lips moved left and right as he thought. He repositioned her corpse, laying her on her belly then pushing her upwards onto her knees and spreading them, so her breasts dangled and her butt hung in the air. He crossed her wrists over each other and rested her head on her hands, her face turned towards him. Blood pooled along the cut on her neck and dripped on her arms, the red a sharp contrast against the ash tint of her skin. He smiled, pleased with what he saw. Her body refused to cooperate, however, and as soon as he stepped away, she tipped forward, the blood leaving a trail of horror in its wake. This angered him. He wanted to paint.
April 21, 2014 — 1:34 PM
Mike W. says:
This sounds pretty creepy…this artist is kind of a freak! I like how you set the scene…I can definitely visualize it. I’m not sure what you mean by “making a box” with his hands; if you mean how artists sometimes put their hands out in front of them to frame a scene, maybe you could clarify it somehow. I’m not sure about the whole “Show Don’t Tell” rule, but there are a couple of places where you describe his emotions. You could probably cut “pleased with what he saw” after “he smiled”, since his smile already shows that he’s pleased. Same with “this angered him”; maybe find a way to *show* his anger…snapping a paintbrush in half or something? Other than that, I think it’s cool…very sinister.
April 21, 2014 — 3:23 PM
SAM says:
Yes, he’s framing with his hands. Good mentions! Thank you!
April 21, 2014 — 3:50 PM
Pavowski says:
The novel I’m working on has to keep a playful tone (at least for now), and I’m wondering if it works while one of the characters, this female, is struggling with her fears about a man she hardly knows.
Finally she decided that, as much to silence her cognitive dissonance as for any other reason, she would stop by Andy’s apartment that evening. Lexi would signal her friend Annette via text message when she entered his building, whereupon, after five minutes’ time, her friend Annette was to dial her on the phone and give her an out so that she could leave gracefully. Five minutes, she decided, was more than enough time for him to show off whatever magic trick he had been going on about, and if five minutes outside of the bar were not enough to convince her that there was more to the man than the shy-faced, tongue-tripping fumbler she had seen inside of it, then more time was completely unnecessary. Incidentally, if after five minutes she were unable to answer her phone by dint of having been kidnapped or incapacitated, there was a good chance that Annette could raise the authorities before Lexi was sufficiently murdered or raped.
April 21, 2014 — 1:35 PM
johnadamus says:
There’s a lot of commas up in there that tend to stutter and slow down the tone. There are some strong sentences – you’ve got a nice ending and you quickly build a world for Lexi. But the commas act like asides and move us laterally while the struggle of her fears sits in a holding pattern waiting to develop. It does lead nicely into needing more paragraphs, so good job.
April 21, 2014 — 1:38 PM
Pavowski says:
I go back and forth with my commas. They are one of my darlings, as Chuck would probably point out. Some of them will, inevitably, not make it through. The metaphor of a holding pattern is telling for me — that’s exactly where she’s stuck. Thanks for the read!
April 21, 2014 — 2:10 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
“Sufficiently murdered?”
April 21, 2014 — 3:52 PM
Pavowski says:
Heh. Murdered enough that intervention would come too late? Yeah, it’s not quite right but I felt the need to add a descriptor. Maybe a need I should learn to throttle.
April 21, 2014 — 5:08 PM
brianrider says:
We were sat in a small waiting room just past triage waiting to hear some news on Haley’s condition. Jan cried under her breath, but she always assumed the worst. I told a couple jokes while others made plans for the weekend. Then the doctor came in and sucked air from the room. “We did everything we could. I’m so sorry.”
April 21, 2014 — 1:41 PM
Mike W. says:
This is pretty good. It describes a scene that many people can empathize with. I think “we were sat” sounds a little strange; maybe cut the word “were”. “We were sitting” might also work, but that’s passive instead of active, so “we sat” might be better. I’m not sure about the doctor sucking the air out of the room; I think I know what you mean, but it sounds too literal…like he actually emptied the room of air. Maybe something like “sucked the life out” or the energy or the warmth? To me, those sound a little smoother.
April 21, 2014 — 3:31 PM