The logline. The so-called “elevator pitch.”
I think in writing novels, the logline maybe claims more importance than it really has — some folks paint a world where you have to sharpen this short blurb of your own work to an atom-splitting point, keeping the weapon in your back pocket because at some point you may find yourself at a coffee counter with an agent or editor and have a sudden chance to pitch them. (Which I’m sure is awesome for the agent or editor. Particularly if they haven’t had their coffee yet. Pro-Tip: never pitch an agent or editor before they have consumed at least one cup of their daily caffeine. You may lose a hand, an eye, a few toes.)
Still — I like it as an intellectual exercise because it helps you distill the work you’re doing down to its manageable essence. You’re figuring out what lies at the core of the work and you’re also helping figure out how the work can be mentioned and brokered without taking people on a ten minute snooze-worthy journey — because, man, I’ve been the guy who gets cornered by an “aspiring” novelist who wants to tell you about his book. It takes forever, and it makes me want to rip your trachea out and shove it in my earholes.
Plus, you’re keeping me from refilling my drink.
(Pro-Tip: never keep a writer from refilling your drink. We won’t just take a hand, eye, toes. We’ll go for the soul. We’ll write you into our next book as a possum-molesting Neo-Nazi who gets thrown into a wood chipper as everyone else laughs.)
Clarity and conciseness are powerful skills for the writer.
So, let’s practice.
You’re working on something now, I take it?
Give us the logline.
Meaning, hook us into the story with a single sentence.
Then: feel free to discuss everyone’s logline with them. How’d it work? How’s it sound? Did it hook you? Did it compel you in some fashion? Was it both clear and concise?
Saxon Kennedy says:
When twelve-year old Gail Grayson is confronted by the occult, she begins to question reality, wondering if all of her life has played out only in her mind.
April 7, 2014 — 7:34 AM
partlowspool says:
For me, “occult” is too vague. And I need an idea why she’s questioning reality. Has she seen witchcraft at work? Discovered werewolves in the family tree? Seen her best friend possessed by a demon? I think the idea could be fabulous, but you want to establish immediately what sets it apart from every other story.
April 7, 2014 — 9:54 AM
Paul Baxter says:
He looked out to see piles of entrails on the grass, and he knew the werewolves had been lurking in the family tree. AGAIN.
April 7, 2014 — 10:32 AM
Saxon Kennedy says:
Okay how about this: “Twelve-year old Gail Grayson has seen time run backwards, watched people vanish, and gaped as wounds healed in seconds. Now, she wonders if all of her life has played out only in her mind, and these seemingly occult experiences are nothing but a horrible nightmare.”
April 7, 2014 — 5:42 PM
Julian D Greene says:
I know exactly what you mean by the occult, and it has nothing to do with witchcraft, werewolves, demon possession. This is a hook that would send me to the “Buy now” click immediately. The only thing I would do different is capitalize the O. (By the way, if it *does* have something to do with witchcraft, werewolves or demon possession, you’re using the wrong word.)
April 7, 2014 — 11:57 AM
joeturner87 says:
Bungling Treasure Hunter gets, unwittingly, tangled-up in preventing demonic endeavours.
April 7, 2014 — 7:41 AM
partlowspool says:
LOVE “Bungling treasure hunter.” But what does he or she do that tangles him/her up? And demonic endeavors–can you give that a little more flavor? LIke…”Bungling treasure hunter steals the wrong artifact and winds up linked to a demon bent on starting WW 3.” The idea is highly intriguing.
April 7, 2014 — 9:58 AM
joeturner87 says:
This any better?
While trying to prove himself to his true love, bungling treasure hunter Simon Fortune unwittingly acquires the key to Hades. With the help of his new assistant Pip, he must now prevent a man known only as the Undertaker from opening the gates of Hell.
But now I think it feels too long-winded.
April 7, 2014 — 10:26 AM
Paul Baxter says:
Cut out Pip in the logline, and it’s shorter and stronger.
“While trying to prove himself to his true love, bungling treasure hunter Simon Fortune unwittingly acquires the key to Hades, and must prevent a man known only as the Undertaker from opening the gates of Hell.”
April 7, 2014 — 10:38 AM
joeturner87 says:
Agreed. Thank you. But still think it feels like less of a logline, more of a blurb.
April 7, 2014 — 10:48 AM
mikes75 says:
Cut “unwillingly as well, it feels like you’re trying to acquit him in the pitch.
“While trying to win over his one true love, Simon Fortune finds the key to Hades, and must now prevent a man known only as the Undertaker from opening the gates of Hell.”
April 7, 2014 — 1:01 PM
joeturner87 says:
@mike75
It’s “unwittingly” as in: without intent. Because he’s bungling, and also he acquired the item unintentionally.
April 7, 2014 — 2:49 PM
R. Dale Guthrie says:
Also, just cut out the bit about his true love. Cut everything before the first comma, and you have a stronger logline. You can still use that as his initial motivation, but it doesn’t have to be in this sentence.
Also, when you’re pitching something to someone for the first time, names aren’t all that useful–unless you’re writing historical fiction; “Before Abraham Lincoln was president, he was a vampire hunter…” Using that name carries a lot of narrative weight for just two words. But Simon Fortune.. not so much. Save it for a back-of-the-book synopsis.
April 7, 2014 — 5:37 PM
Jenni Cornell says:
This is so much better, the other felt like a fragment. I would buy this. The other is too vague.
April 7, 2014 — 11:23 AM
joeturner87 says:
Thanks! 🙂
Although Paul has to take credit for refinement.
April 7, 2014 — 11:26 AM
TymberDalton says:
Here’s one I use for one of mine that’s already out: Sarah returns to her childhood home to find two determined hunks, an escape-artist steer nicknamed Moodini, and asshole ninja assassin pets goats–what could possibly go wrong?
And yes, that’s pretty much the tone of the book. LOL
A couple of weeks ago, a very well-known movie trailer voiceover artist died (and I’m horrible at names so his escapes me at the moment). Someone posted a Youtube link to one of his audition reels that spanned movies and TV series. “In a world where…” Like five minutes worth. I posted it, because any writer worth their salt, if they listen to it all the way through and don’t have a good grasp of how to form an effective logline hook, nothing will. Hearing them over and over again together like that, in all different genres, it really hammers the point home.
April 7, 2014 — 7:45 AM
murgatroid98 says:
Ooh, this sounds like fun.
April 7, 2014 — 7:48 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
I hate the Hollywood-ian “In a world where…” intro. It’s so painfully overdone and melodramatic I can’t take any book seriously with a pitch starting like that.
April 7, 2014 — 7:50 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
Could you post the link to that YouTube video here? I can’t find it. Thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 7:54 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
For my very first effort at writing my logline for my current w-i-p I started with “In a world where…” – and as soon as I read it back in my head I heard it in Epic Movie Trailer Voice. Couldn’t help myself – it just played that way automatically. I took that as a not-so-good sign, so I changed it. 🙂
But it does seem to work well for movies – especially action and sci-fi ones. Any idea where to find that link? I’d quite like to see the vid, just out of curiosity.
April 7, 2014 — 8:38 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
…Moodini.
I can’t even — too much laughing.
April 7, 2014 — 11:13 AM
murgatroid98 says:
In a post-apocalyptic world, where magic has replaced technology, an oath-bound healer must aid a man whose father is responsible for the destruction of her family.
April 7, 2014 — 7:47 AM
lynneconnolly says:
Why?
April 7, 2014 — 8:52 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
I want the ‘why’ too, except I’m already hooked. I’d read to find out the why.
April 7, 2014 — 11:14 AM
murgatroid98 says:
The why is because she is oath-bound to heal those in need, or she could suffer consequences, like having her ability weaken.
April 7, 2014 — 4:43 PM
pb deberry says:
Z-day is upon us, one problem the Martians called dibs on M-day first. Zombes Eat Martians
April 7, 2014 — 7:47 AM
Anthony says:
The logline is confusing. Maybe something more like “March 27th is set to go down in history as Z-day when the zombie apocalypse began. The only problem is the Martians had prior plans to make March 27th M-day. Zombies Eat Martians”
April 7, 2014 — 11:22 AM
badpablo says:
that is much better thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 9:57 PM
Veronica Sicoe says:
A headstrong young woman and a ruthless alien warlord become mentally linked, and must adapt to each other to survive war and revolt.
April 7, 2014 — 7:48 AM
David says:
I like the first half of this a lot, but war and revolt feels unfocused – it could mean one conflict or a lifetime of them.
April 7, 2014 — 8:10 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
True. Thanks!
I don’t know how to say it any shorter, but she’s caught in the middle of a guerilla war, and he’s caught in a revolt of a dominated alien race. I haven’t really given much thought to the blurb / pitch line yet, so there’s plenty to work on.
April 7, 2014 — 8:19 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I’d like this more with a word or two about what caused them to become mentally linked. That has implications for expectations for genre of the story; e.g.
“After a teleportation accident, a headstrong young woman and a ruthless alien warlord…”
versus
“After a spell gone awry, a headstrong young woman and a ruthless alien warlord…”
April 7, 2014 — 10:51 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
Thanks, David & Paul. You make very good points.
It’s tough to include that needed info without making the sentence too long, but I’ll try. 🙂
A headstrong young woman and an alien warlord become mentally linked during a failed interrogation, and must now adapt to each other to survive the enmity of their own people.
April 7, 2014 — 1:41 PM
TymberDalton says:
Oh, found it. Hal Douglas was his name. And it’s a litle over 3 minutes. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O8Yi93AFBJM
April 7, 2014 — 7:51 AM
TymberDalton says:
@murgatroid98 – Thanks!
@Veronica Sicoe – I agree that particular phrase is overused, but the principle itself is still valid.
One thing I found that also helped me (beside Chuck’s blog LOL) is the Blake Synder “Save the Cat!” beat sheet method. While initially designed for movies, it really does help break down a story into its parts, and had really helped me learn how to distill my loglines.
Another logline of mine: Pregnant grave-robbing, vengeful cockatrice, and exploding moose. Just another day in wolf-shifter Elain Pardie’s crazy life.
April 7, 2014 — 7:56 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
Jack Horwood might be an ex-spook hacker, but when he applies for a new job in network security he doesn’t envisage hunting pimps, rescuing teenagers or meeting the man he has had a crush on since he was seventeen.
April 7, 2014 — 7:57 AM
Paul Baxter says:
How about “When ex-spook hacker Jack Horwood takes a network security position, the job description didn’t include hunting pimps, rescuing teenagers, or meeting the man he’s had a crush on since he was seventeen.”
April 7, 2014 — 10:57 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
I would read this book. Right now.
April 7, 2014 — 11:16 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
@Catastrophe Jones: Thanks so much! It’s about ready to go to beta, so please keep your fingers crossed! 🙂
April 7, 2014 — 11:31 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
I’ve been fiddling with it while reading everybody else’s comments, but yes … this does sound much better. I’m torn between summarising the plot or summarising Jack’s journey and I think it shows.
April 7, 2014 — 11:30 AM
Jules says:
I really like this! It’s surprising and concise and interesting. I would read this book. Nice job!
April 7, 2014 — 1:13 PM
Jackie Keswick says:
Thank you!
April 8, 2014 — 5:55 AM
TymberDalton says:
@murgatroid98 – I like that logline. It tells the reader who, where, what, and why and has a good pull.
@Veronica – Oooh I love sci-fi!
April 7, 2014 — 7:59 AM
Mozette says:
Jennifer Benson is hearing the voice of Haniel – one of the highest ranking Angels in God’s garrisons – when Haniel asks if she can possess her, does she allow her, without knowing the full reason why, or does she decline and risk being taken over by one of Lucifer’s demons?
April 7, 2014 — 8:03 AM
springinkerl says:
Sounds interesting, but I wouldn’t phrase a logline as a question. It may work to make a potential reader curious (though often enough these blurb-questions are pretty rhetorical and already contain their own answer), but I don’t think an agent is interested in questions to which he only gets the answers if he reads the book you wanna broker to him. He wants to get the facts of the story as brief and interesting as possible.
April 7, 2014 — 8:36 AM
lynneconnolly says:
Redundant question. The answer to that is, no. Next! Too easy to dismiss a question and move on.
I was told to be careful of those. “Will she risk all to keep Jack by her side?” Yes, otherwise there wouldn’t be a story. “She has to risk everything to keep Jack by her side” is what the writer meant.
April 7, 2014 — 8:51 AM
Mozette says:
Aahh I get where you guys are going here. 🙂
Thanks. I’m in the first few chapters and have a few ideas happening all at once right now to keep the book interesting. I’m also doing research too; which isn’t easy seeing it’s on a topic not many people know much about… and I might have to go and talk to a few priests and pastors about.
April 7, 2014 — 9:04 AM
Terri says:
Yes! ^^this^^ Rephrase it as her choice rather than mine.
April 7, 2014 — 11:26 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
What about: When Haniel — one of God’s highest-ranking Angels — asks Jennifer Benson’s permission to possess her, all Jenny wants to know is why. When Haniel can’t/won’t tell her, Jennifer has to choose between becoming an agent of God, or risk Lucifer’s demons getting to her first.
Either way, now I wanna read it; I love angel/demon stories.
April 7, 2014 — 11:44 AM
Nicki1323 says:
A young girl who wants nothing to do with rules and is the daughter of the king who realizes she has a destiny to unite the classes and after fighting against it for a while, fulfills her purpose.
April 7, 2014 — 8:04 AM
David says:
Does the girl realize she has the destiny, or the king? If it’s the girl drop the “who” to clarify it. Also, you could say “princess” and drop “daughter of the king” entirely, unless she’s a lost heir or a bastard or something.
April 7, 2014 — 8:30 AM
Paul Baxter says:
After she fights against it ‘for a while,’ why does she stop fighting? And how long a while is it? Weeks, months, years, decades?
April 7, 2014 — 11:17 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
What about: A rule-breaking princess fights against her destiny to unite the classes, until…
April 7, 2014 — 11:30 AM
David says:
A boy and his demon set out to overthrow the Empire of the Dead.
April 7, 2014 — 8:05 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
So cool!
April 7, 2014 — 8:28 AM
partlowspool says:
On the one hand, I think this needs just a little more. On the other hand, I want to read this story.
April 7, 2014 — 10:01 AM
David says:
Actually edited before I saw this, but I took your advice, so thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 10:24 AM
David says:
Let’s try this again…
In a world ruled by the undead, young Harald Vignirsson discovers an ancient spirit that holds the key to overthrowing the Lich Lords… if it doesn’t eat his soul first.
Too much? I kind of like the simplicity of the original, but Harald’s name kind of conveys what kind of world this is, and this one clarifies just what the Empire of the Dead is (if that’s necessary).
April 7, 2014 — 10:18 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
I love the first one. It sparks all sorts of intriguing questions that would make me pick it up even if it’s not my genre. If I’d read ‘ruled by the undead’ I wouldn’t have… 😉
April 7, 2014 — 10:22 AM
David says:
Thanks! I do love “a boy and his demon”. I hate noticing I used “kind” three times in one sentence…
April 7, 2014 — 10:27 AM
Terri says:
I love the first one, maybe add a “overthrow the Empire of the Dead before . . . . ” to give a better idea of the stakes.
April 7, 2014 — 11:28 AM
Paul Baxter says:
If the key is not a literal key, you might want to use another word like secret instead. Right now I’m wondering if the ancient spirit or the key is threatening to eat his soul.
Also, why would anyone want to overthrow the Lich Lords? At this point, I can as easily imagine poor Harald as the hapless victim of an evil spirit who wants vengeance against the virtuous Lich Lords who imprisoned the spirit for his evil.
April 7, 2014 — 11:08 AM
David says:
You’re not far off there, as it happens…
April 7, 2014 — 1:38 PM
Veronica Sicoe says:
@Paul’s questions — That’s what happens when you give too much info in a pitch line. It’s a single phrase, so it can’t possibly make readers ask questions while also answering those same questions satisfyingly.
I prefer to just hint at a rich world and rouse curiosity, than to give a little but not enough information, and thus form a confusing image.
It’s a tough balance to hit.
April 7, 2014 — 1:49 PM
Catastrophe Jones says:
Would read. Love the idea of ‘a boy and his demon’.
April 7, 2014 — 11:18 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
One question. Why? And then you’ll have me.
April 7, 2014 — 11:35 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
My first comment got eaten, so I’ll post it again: Great log line. I totally want to read this story.
April 7, 2014 — 1:43 PM
David says:
This whole discussion (and a twenty minute walk) just helped me work out a big plot point, so thanks everyone!
April 7, 2014 — 2:41 PM
Ruth Dupre says:
Oh Lordy, all these sound so punchy and fun– and mine is …meh. Or meh-ish. Like oatmeal next to bread pudding soaked in bourbon pecan sauce. Yeah… Okay, here goes: “Timid Texas housewife meets Slovenian musical icon, who introduces her to his country, his culture and a LOT of wine.”
It’s memoir, not fiction. I hope that’s okay.
April 7, 2014 — 8:07 AM
David says:
Not bad! I could see a Julia Roberts trailer for that. 🙂
April 7, 2014 — 8:12 AM
Ruth Dupre says:
Aw, thanks David! You made my day ! 🙂
April 7, 2014 — 8:43 AM
partlowspool says:
Memoir: it covers a specific period of time (unlike biography), and the main character has to change, grow, learn something. This sounds interesting, but I’d want to know what direction that story arc is going in. Does she find love? Learn there’s no place like home? Find the strength to follow her dreams? A new career? “Timid Texas housewife meets Slovenian musical icon, who _________________________ while introducing her to his country, his culture and a LOT of wine.”
April 7, 2014 — 10:04 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I agree with partlowspool. She meets him, presumably travels to his country, they do those things and… then what? She goes home? Stays there? How does her life change?
April 7, 2014 — 11:27 AM
Laura says:
Yes — excellent point. I love the “Timid Texas housewife meets Slovenian musical icon” pitch, but I do want a hint of what results from that meeting (in terms of growth, change, etc.).
April 7, 2014 — 4:03 PM
Ruth Dupre says:
hmm… Try this: “Timid Texas housewife meets Slovenian musical icon who, while introducing her to his country, his culture and a LOT of wine, makes her deepest wish come true.”
April 8, 2014 — 12:25 AM
Ruth Dupre says:
Although that seems awful wordy.
April 8, 2014 — 12:37 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
*squirms awkwardly.* Okay – this probably needs some work though…
‘The lives you’ve lived determine what you are… unless you don’t remember them. Three amnesiacs must choose between returning to their past – or running from it.’
Hmmmm, that makes me go “bleeeuuuurghh” just a little bit. DEFINITELY needs some work. But it’ll do as a work-in-progress effort, I suppose.
April 7, 2014 — 8:31 AM
Terri says:
Kill the ellipses. The second line is way stronger than the first. Start there.
April 7, 2014 — 11:30 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
My name is Wendy and I’m an ellipsaholic. But I’ll beat it eventually – one day at a time and all that. 😉
So either a hyphen or full stop – sorry, ‘period’ – instead then?
April 7, 2014 — 4:08 PM
Paul Baxter says:
Question: are the three amnesiacs connected somehow? Related? Friends? Strangers afflicted by the same problem? And what causes their amnesia?
Also, amnesiacs reminds me of Animaniacs, so I get an inadvertently comic image here, but that may be just me.
April 7, 2014 — 11:31 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
Two of them did know each other in a previous life (although this isn’t confirmed until quite late into the story) but as a threesome their main connections are:
– They’re all afflicted with the same kind of amnesia
– They all originally came from the ‘ghetto zone’ of a city living under martial law
– They all share one particularly dark ‘incarnation’ (although they would have been unaware of each others’ existence at that time)
– They are now being ‘rehabilitated’ within a mysterious underground complex, by people they’re not entirely sure they can trust.
Not sure how I’d fit THAT little lot into a logline 😉
I know what you mean about the word ‘amnesiacs’ too. Every time I hear it in my logline, for some daft reason I keep thinking of the ‘Maniac’ song from ‘Footloose’ – “They’re am-NEES-i-ACS… NEEEEEES-i-ACS!”
I wish there was another word that sounds less dorky but means the same thing. Might have to scour some thesauruses.
April 7, 2014 — 4:35 PM
Paul Baxter says:
I will never hear the song “Maniac” from Footless again without thinking of this. Unlike the amnesiacs, who can never remember any of the words anyway.
April 8, 2014 — 3:41 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
Definitely kill the ellipses. I personally like the ‘starting from what sounds like a proverb’ stance. I’d definitely read it. I’m a sucker for past-lives.
April 7, 2014 — 11:33 AM
lynneconnolly says:
My STORM series (secret agent paranormals) sells on “James Bond with fang and claw.” Took me weeks to come up with that sucker. The upcoming Even The Gods Fall In Love series is “What the heart wants, it finds a way to take,” which I take absolutely no credit for because I completely failed in my efforts. Amy Sherwood, my editor, came up with it, and I love her for it
I have never, ever sold a book with an elevator pitch. Or any pitch at all, come to that. I’ve done a ton, rehearsed, memorised, winged it. Every time the editor or agent has said, “that sounds great. Send me the manuscript.” Then nada. Very often, not even a rejection letter. Nothing.
On the other hand, I’ve sold a bunch of concepts and books by hanging around in bars. Specifically, bars at conventions. “Oh that sounds good. Shoot me the manuscript when you get home.” Or even “Do you have anything we can look at?” My advice is if you do it that way, don’t be all business. Chat, mention the book, don’t put any pressure on them to take it. If they’re interested, they’ll say so. If not, have a good evening and make a friend.
Of course that could mean that I absolutely suck at loglines. I do, and at blurbs, but I have lovely editors and blurb writers to help me with that. I send them my sucky blurb, and they turn it into something that makes me want to read the book – and I wrote it!
But I wondered, does anyone ever sell anything from pitches?
.
April 7, 2014 — 8:39 AM
gilotyna815 says:
Young girl astride a dragon, her non-binary-gendered alien friend and an ensemble cast of a fuckton of heroes of all races and creeds must race time and fight undead to prevent the rise of the God of Death from destroying the world as we know it.
I plan it as a series of short stories – I think it’s called a webserial.
April 7, 2014 — 8:41 AM
pomegarnett says:
That’s a long pitch with half of it devoted to explaining your cast. It feels like the diversity is the point, moreso than the story. Not to mention it’s quite the mouthful to say. Whereas if you shorten it…
“A girl, a dragon, an alien, and a fuckton of heroes race time and fight undead…”
Now I’m interested in what these characters do in the story, and willing to see who they are.
April 7, 2014 — 11:34 AM
Terri says:
I love the line “fuckton of heroes.” Consider getting rid of the all races and creeds, that dilutes the power of that phrase. “A young girl, her pet dragon, a non-binary-gendered alien, and a fuckton of heroes race time to defeat the God of Death before he can destroy the world as we know it.”
April 7, 2014 — 11:35 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I think this can be cut down a little. How about something like:
When the God of Death starts to use the undead to try to destroy the world, it’s up to a young girl on a dragon, her alien friend, and a band of heroes to stop him.
April 7, 2014 — 11:39 AM
Reggie Lutz says:
Gwen is dead but her ghost lingers to watch her sisters struggle as the youngest enters a doomed affair with the widower.
April 7, 2014 — 8:46 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
I don’t think you have much of a story if the ghost just watches. Does she help her sisters? Or find limitations while she does? Or hate that she can’t and bargain with higer powers?
April 7, 2014 — 11:36 AM
Jules says:
So her little sister starts dating her husband? Is she angry? Happy? Did she die violently or suddenly? I really just want a little more, something that tells me what the tone of the story is.
April 8, 2014 — 3:50 PM
Anthony says:
For a story I put on submission recently: “To prove her worth a young ninja must find the strength to persevere when her first mission brings her deep behind enemy lines with the fate of her home in the balance.”
and for a story I am plotting/working on now: “To save her father’s kingdom a young princess must become the greatest villain her land has ever known.”
April 7, 2014 — 8:46 AM
Maure says:
I’m interested in the first one mainly because hey, ninjas. It’s a little vague, though… I don’t know whether it’s a fantasy world with ninjas, historical, something in modern day, and I think some indication of what the setting is would give the ‘home’ more impact.
The next one is intriguing for the princess-becoming-a-villain, but when you say ‘young’ I’m wondering
‘How young?’, and without knowing what the danger she’s saving it from, I find myself wondering why exactly she feels driven to become a villain.
I’m not great with loglines, so those are just my personal feelings, but I hope they help.
April 7, 2014 — 11:44 AM
ebthompson93 says:
The gods were at it again.
April 7, 2014 — 9:15 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
I seem to love loglines that raise questions. And this reminds me of Sherrilyn Kenyon novels I’ve enjoyed so I’d immediately pick this up to read the blurb and find out more.
April 7, 2014 — 10:24 AM
David says:
Good opening line. For a log line maybe use present tense: “The gods are at it again.”
April 7, 2014 — 10:37 AM
pomegarnett says:
Love this as an opening line, but there’s no story here. Are they spring cleaning? Having a movie marathon? Re-organizing the constellations?
If I was looking for a book in a store, I’d read the next sentence. If I was an agent in an elevator, I’d say “And, who cares?”
April 7, 2014 — 11:38 AM
tabbycat says:
I describe my SF/space opera novel (which will come out later this year from a small publisher) as being like Star Trek, with sex and swearing.
April 7, 2014 — 9:17 AM
Terri says:
It’s not my logline summary, but I describe mine as “Jack Reacher, if he was a chick, a lawyer, and lived in a camper with a Chihuahua.”
April 7, 2014 — 11:37 AM
Aleph says:
Ben’s dead. That’s the least of his problems.
April 7, 2014 — 9:18 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I like it, and I would want to read more. But it’s more like a blurb or a first couple of lines than a logline.
April 7, 2014 — 11:42 AM
Jessica McHugh (@theJessMcHugh) says:
After finding ancient mahjong tiles in a new house, Rebecca is besieged by hallucinations, sexual deviances, and grisly murders.
April 7, 2014 — 9:22 AM
Paul Baxter says:
And then what?
My understanding of a logline is that it is supposed to act as a plot summary or synopsis. You’re not supposed to be mysterious about what happens next and the ending.
April 7, 2014 — 11:46 AM
Jessica McHugh (@theJessMcHugh) says:
I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m not good at loglines. I just to create an intriguing line from the longer summary.
“Rebecca Malone has problems. Not just the alcohol. Not just her husband’s inane attempts at writing the great American novel, or their teenage daughter’s promiscuity. Not even her lover, who wants to take her husband’s place in the mansion she now calls home.
Rebecca’s biggest problems stem from discovering a chest of ancient mahjong tiles in the basement of her house. From that point, her life spins out of control with hallucinations, sexual deviances, and grisly murders.
Is the game haunted? Or are Rebecca’s problems part of a different game, started decades before she was born?”
It appears I failed with flying colors! 🙂
April 7, 2014 — 1:07 PM
Paul Baxter says:
I think you’re pretty close. How about:
After Rebecca finds a box of ancient mahjong tiles in the basement, she must find a way to put an end to the hallucinations, sexual deviances, and gristly murders that follow.
April 7, 2014 — 1:28 PM
Jessica McHugh (@theJessMcHugh) says:
Ahh…much better! Thanks, Paul!
April 7, 2014 — 2:40 PM
morag donnachie says:
When Catriona and Alistair Ross discover their daughter is missing the first thing they do is call the police…the second? Call on the help of the coven. Who has their daughter and why are just two of the problems that face Cat and Ali as they search frantically to find their daughter.
April 7, 2014 — 9:27 AM
morag donnachie says:
Too many daughters!
Who has their child and why are just two of the problems that face Cat and Ali in their frantic search.
Something like that anyway.
April 7, 2014 — 9:30 AM
Carol says:
I either really like that your character’s names are “alley cat”…or it really bothers me. Does it play a part in the story?
April 7, 2014 — 10:43 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
You started off strong and then buried the lead with the repetition of words and action already implied. Perhaps: When Catriona and Alistair Ross discover their daughter is missing they call the police–and the coven.
Then tell me why. Are they witches? Is the child? Why do they think they have to call the coven? Clearly, they think they know something about why she’s missing. Give me the stakes. What sets them apart from any normal family dealing with a missing child? And tell me why we need to find her soon. ‘Cause I’m guessing she’s no ordinary child.
April 7, 2014 — 11:34 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I think this could be cut down a little.
It kinda goes without saying that who has their kidnapped daughter, and why, are factors intrinsic to the situation. But when you say those are JUST two of the problems, it suggests there are more. Are there? I can’t tell from this, or how important they are.
Also, “frantically searched’? Again, I think frantic is implied by the situation, and does not need to be called out separately.
April 7, 2014 — 11:58 AM
Theresa Lepiane says:
How about: When Catriona and Alistair Ross discover their (how old) daughter is missing, they are frantic to find her before (what bad happens) Alistair calls the police. Catriona calls the coven.
I agree with the comments, “why just 2 things” and “Cat and Ali” unless there is a reason….in which case I think that should be in the logline.
April 8, 2014 — 9:00 PM
John Rickett says:
During routine park maintenance, a new public works employee balks when a ragged veteran tells him that nature never compromises.
April 7, 2014 — 9:29 AM
pomegarnett says:
There’s…not really a story here?
April 7, 2014 — 10:43 AM
K. Zorn says:
Annika Petrovna and Artyom Filipov travel the countryside of a wasteland Soviet Union in search of the city which may hold the key for revenge against their nation’s enemy.
April 7, 2014 — 9:31 AM
Paul Baxter says:
Not to be unkind about the Soviet Union, but is this Soviet Union more of a wasteland than it is now? Was there an attack by the nameless enemy? Is this in a fictional/alternate history past or future (since there is at the moment no Soviet Union)?
April 7, 2014 — 12:03 PM
David says:
Countryside and wasteland are clashing for me – I’d drop countryside in favor of wasteland, maybe nuclear wasteland if appropriate. I’m assuming this is alternate history from the use of Soviet Union, and I’d love to know who the enemy is – U.S. would be obvious, but I smell a twist.
April 7, 2014 — 12:10 PM
Simon Townley says:
“In a world ravaged by climate change, two brothers stowaway on a tall ship headed for the melting arctic, searching for revenge, redemption, runaway parents – and priceless buried treasure.”
The problem with loglines, as I see it, is they do seem to drag you kicking and screaming towards ‘high concept’, which isn’t always a good thing.
April 7, 2014 — 9:36 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Not at all. I have read plenty that didn’t need to compare itself to other successful works. I have read plenty successful high concept ones too. It’s up to the writer and his interpretation of the central conflict. This one isn’t bad, but it doesn’t command my attention. I guess it’s because it calls to mind a story that will be mostly about two guys hiding below decks. Perhaps re-tool it so it’s more about what happens when they get there? If that’s the story, that is.
April 7, 2014 — 11:31 AM
Paul Baxter says:
There’s a saying that if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.
So will any ship. What makes these two think that this ship will move them in the direction of resolving their issues?
April 7, 2014 — 12:06 PM
Simon Townley says:
It’s heading the same place as their runaway parents 🙂
April 7, 2014 — 1:19 PM
Paul Baxter says:
Excellent! That makes things much clearer. Then:
…two brothers stow away on a tall ship headed for the melting Arctic, chasing revenge, redemption, runaway parents…
April 7, 2014 — 1:32 PM
Dave Higgins says:
A novelist seeks to connect with interesting people by providing them with coffee.
(it has the virtue of being true, while also being a bribe)
April 7, 2014 — 9:38 AM
doverwhitecliff says:
Love that… almost sounds like the seeds of an anthology!
April 7, 2014 — 11:10 AM
Paul Baxter says:
The coffee is laced with a powerful chemical through which the novelist extracts everything interesting out of the people as raw material for his stories, leaving them as empty husks capable only of watching Jerry Springer re-runs.
April 7, 2014 — 12:10 PM
Dave Higgins says:
Not my plot, but a promising idea. Maybe written in the style of Proust, to open up the profitable literary market.
April 8, 2014 — 5:41 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Mankind is too tenacious, too resourceful, to submit to an eternity of torture at the hands of the daemon hordes. And so, in the terrifying wastelands of Hell stands a great walled city, providing sanctuary to all those that reach its sprawling perimeter. Amid the longest war in existence, Paul Roth finds that the balance between safety and liberty is frighteningly skewed in: The Citadel.
April 7, 2014 — 9:39 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
The bones of something interesting are buried here, but your logline is more vague and confusing than engaging. You want to tell the reader, in clear tones, who, what, where, when and why. Most of all, why. Why this story, and why now? What are the stakes? What is the central conflict? You have not linked Roth, war, and Hell together in any meaningful way.
April 7, 2014 — 11:28 AM
Tim Kimber (@Tim_Kimber) says:
This is harder than I thought. I just can’t keep the word count down without keeping the elements I think it needs… How about:
Paul Roth wakes from death in the wastelands of Hell, in the midst of a war between the daemon hordes and mankind’s sanctuary, the Citadel. With technology drip fed from the fading memories of its denizens, the Citadel’s Senate demands its newest inhabitant produce the ultimate weapon to end the conflict and bring peace to the netherworld. But is this sanctuary a place worth saving? Or is damnation equal either side of its walls?
Gah! This is harder than the actual writing.
April 7, 2014 — 11:57 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Yes, it is harder, I totally agree. And I suck at this too, so you have my support for just trying 🙂 However, it’s still too long and ‘telly’. And I don’t get what that drip-line is about at all. Perhaps something like: ‘Paul Roth wakes from death in Hell itself and finds himself in the middle of a war between Hell’s daemon hordes and mankind’s sanctuary, the Citadel’ – and take it from there.
April 7, 2014 — 1:00 PM
Tim Kimber (@Tim_Kimber) says:
It’s difficult because there are certain mechanics in the world I’ve created that affect everything, at a societal and personal level, that I feel need mentioning. The one you mention, the drip-feed, is based on the concept that memories are sand-blasted from the human mind amid the trauma of death, and so those with memories, dreams, however vague, offer a chance at recovering technologies from the “oldworld”. This makes Roth extremely valuable, as he is still haunted by the memories of his life.
You see, a lot of the “fantasy” genres have been covered so much people know the mechanics already: mention vampires and you know they can’t go out in the sun; werewolves can only be killed with silver bullets; angels can fly and demons eat babies. We know this. So you can tell the reader an awful lot just by mentioning “vampire”, “occult”, “haunted”, etc. And those were things I wanted to avoid.
As were religious themes. I don’t actually even want to call it Hell, as that has a Christian connotation and carries with it a pre-existing number of rules and mechanics. It’s just such a useful word when word count is at a premium (not that I mention it once in the actual text).
Thanks for your feedback by the way. It’s hard to get right, but it is fun trying. And doing so gives you a different perspective on your own work…
April 8, 2014 — 6:46 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
I understand completely how frustrating it is to know all the cool and interesting stuff you worked so hard on, and yet have only one or two lines to tell your story. But you must realise that the techno thing you’re telling me about is just part of your story. It isn’t your story. The logline is not about giving the audience everything about your book. It’s telling the audience why this book is different and special when you get down to brass tacks so that they will want to read it.
You can’t see it as ‘but there’s all this stuff I need to put in!’ You have to ask yourself–what is my story about? If someone asked you what The Dark Knight was about, you could tell them a vigilante protecting a city against relentless criminals. But how is that engaging and unique? If you told them the whole movie, that would probably lead to them walking off halfway through, because they’ve run out of time. Synopses and blurbs are just trying to help put your story into perspective so the reader will want to pick it up. They aren’t there to suffocate your story. They are there to expose the bones. If you can’t do that, then you have to ask yourself, are there good bones to expose in the first place?
What helped me get my logline together (besides numerous workshops!) is realising that it should be the beginning of your story, not what you get let when you boil it down. When we first get an idea to do a book, it’s simple, a thought really. The logline is that beginning point, the essence of your book. From there, you build a three line synopsis, a paragraph, a three paragraph blurb, a one page synopsis and a three page synopsis.
In other words, start small and expand. It’s easier than trying to boil down your big story in your mind. What did you find fascinating about your concept when you came up with it? Take that, and build on it.
Hope that helps!
April 8, 2014 — 8:32 AM
Tim Kimber (@Tim_Kimber) says:
It does help, appreciate it!
April 8, 2014 — 8:50 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Glad to be of service 🙂
April 8, 2014 — 3:50 PM
Theresa Lepiane says:
Paul Roth wakes from death in Hell, in the midst of a war between the daemon hordes and mankind’s sanctuary, the Citadel. The Citadel’s Senate demands its newest inhabitant produce the ultimate weapon to end the conflict. But can he find the weapon, and is the sanctuary a place worth saving? Or is damnation equal either side of its walls? Still a bit long…
April 8, 2014 — 9:07 PM
Shannon says:
Either Kelsey Brooks is being stalked by a dead man or she’s completely lost her mind.
April 7, 2014 — 9:40 AM
pomegarnett says:
Love this. On one hand, I’m thinking “well obviously she’s being stalked,” but on the other…I hope she’s lost her mind because it would be unexpected. I’d read it!
April 7, 2014 — 11:42 AM
Paul Baxter says:
Or both.
April 7, 2014 — 12:12 PM
Wendy Christopher says:
Like that one a lot! Snappy and with a sweet pinch of black humour.
April 7, 2014 — 4:54 PM
Susan says:
A story I’m fininshing up: “Two women are looking for love but when their worlds collide will they both survive?”
April 7, 2014 — 9:41 AM
Christa says:
This sounds interesting but a little too vague.
April 7, 2014 — 10:21 AM
Susan says:
Thanks – thought it needed more.
April 7, 2014 — 2:05 PM
Susan says:
Try #2: “When a lovelorn woman’s son is viciously attacked she will stop at nothing to find the perpetrator.”
April 8, 2014 — 8:03 AM
martintcahill says:
Until now, Alandra’s only had time for alcohol, fighting and feeling sorry for herself, but when she finds out that the brother she thought she lost has been alive inside the walls of a magical insane asylum, she has to dig through years of conspiracy, magic and betrayal and learn how to help her brother survive, if she can even help herself first.
April 7, 2014 — 9:43 AM
pomegarnett says:
While it’s a bit long, I quite like it. It does well as explaining the person, the goal, and the stakes. There are several words you can cut out without changing the overall structure of it. For example:
“…she finds out her lost brother is alive inside a magical insane asylum…”
Unless you mean he is literally inside the walls. In which case, whoa.
April 7, 2014 — 11:46 AM
Maure says:
The structure of the sentence feels a bit rushed and cluttered, but I love the sound of the idea. Maybe… ‘Until now, Alandra’s only had time for fighting, self-pity and alcohol; but when it turns out her long-lost brother isn’t actually dead, trapped inside a magical insane asylum, she has to add sifting through years of conspiracy, betrayal and magic to her schedule, trying to figure out what’s going on. Problem is, if she can’t even help herself, how is she going to help her brother?’
eeeuh, still not happy with it, but my main point is it feels a bit disjointed and I don’t think it can all fit into one sentence. I really like the idea, though.
April 7, 2014 — 11:49 AM
Paul Baxter says:
How about
When Alandra discovers her dead brother is living in a magical insane asylum, she must find a way to get her own life together before she has any chance of rescuing him.
April 7, 2014 — 12:18 PM
Simon Townley says:
“Can a prehistoric hunter avenge the murder of his father and defeat the malign shaman who threatens his tribe?”
For me, one really good use for a logline is to focus and clearly express the protagonist’s central story goal. I’m not saying that has to be what the logline does – but it’s one way to approach it.
April 7, 2014 — 9:45 AM
Paul Baxter says:
From what I understand of the construction of loglines, framing them as “Can he…” Is frowned on for this simple reason: the answer is yes. If the answer is no, there’s no story.
Maybe instead
When a malign shaman threatens his tribe, a prehistoric hunter must find a way to defeat him and avenge the murder of his father.
April 7, 2014 — 12:23 PM
Simon Townley says:
Much better, thanks Paul. Now, why didn’t I think of that?
April 7, 2014 — 1:18 PM
Mark Gardner says:
“One man struggles to live honorably in a world filled by men without honor.
Disgraced Chinese warrior, Liao, is a mercenary for the Kingdom of Kush. In an unprecedented decision, the Chancellor of the Han Dynasty has permitted Liao to fight in a tournament against the best warriors the empire has to offer. His mere presence in the epic event could restore Liao and his clan to their former place of honor.
Liao’s foes claim he has no place in the prestigious tournament. From outside and within, agents conspire against him. Some want his defeat in the arena, while others wish him dead by any means necessary. If Liao hopes to triumph, he must evade assassination attempts, best other competitors, and expose the devious plots of a ruthless Roman general bent on disrupting the tournament and plunging the Han Dynasty into a bloody civil war.
CHAMPION STANDING is a fantasy novel blending non-stop action and memorable characters in a tale of betrayal and redemption.”
I think mine is too long…
April 7, 2014 — 9:51 AM
joeturner87 says:
Kingdom of Kush?
Is Liao a HIGH ranking mercenary?…teehee…get it?
April 7, 2014 — 11:23 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Yes, it is. It’s a blurb, not a logline. A good blurb, but a blurb nonetheless. So try hitting on the beats that matter. Think of it as a TV guide description–how would you describe your story if you wanted someone to tune in that night? Fewer words, more plot.
April 7, 2014 — 11:23 AM
Jessica Hammond says:
Interesting. Had I read it on its own it might have been good, but in a string of other log lines I couldn’t be bothered reading that much. And that is presumably the agent’s situation too. I’d go much, much shorter and kill a lot of the detail.
April 7, 2014 — 11:27 AM
Paul Baxter says:
When the Han dynasty holds a tournament for the best warriors of the Empire, the disgraced mercenary Liao must overcome treachery from within and without to restore his reputation and his clan’s place of honor.
April 7, 2014 — 12:30 PM
Mark Gardner says:
I like this one!
April 7, 2014 — 9:06 PM
Theresa Lepiane says:
Nice. You are really good at this Paul.
April 8, 2014 — 9:09 PM
Scott A. Bullard (@writingbull) says:
Skitchy is a neo-nazi possum-lover in a wolrd gone crazy. His nemesis, Woody Chipper wants him dead and the only thing that can save him is a half-crazed writer with a hole in his mug and a bee in his bonnet. Check out Skitchy is Screwed.
April 7, 2014 — 9:56 AM
David says:
For some reason I think this stars anthropomorphic animals – which would be cool! I do want to know how Skitchy’s world has gone crazy though.
April 7, 2014 — 12:14 PM
JWJ says:
I’d read the crap out of this.
April 8, 2014 — 4:35 PM
Dan says:
Hey, I’m new here! Been working on these characters and stories for a while now. Feed back is good! Here goes:
After Digory Burr dies he is enlisted to join a squad of interdimensional peacekeepers who must defend and police interdimensional travel against the schemes of the Devil and other rogues until God splits the skies.
Thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 10:03 AM
pooks says:
“After Digory Burr dies he is enlisted to join a squad of interdimensional peacekeepers who must defend [whom?] against the schemes of the Devil and other rogues until God splits the skies.” I think filling in the blank of who is being protected will give us a reason to care. The concept is intellectually strong. Whose lives/souls/travels are at stake will complete it.
April 7, 2014 — 10:27 AM
Dan says:
Thanks for your kind words, and I agree! I will try to fill it in with the proper amount of logline vagueness. Essentially, they are defending the universe because unchecked, abused interdimensional travel has dire consequences to all things. Thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 10:35 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
We need stakes with a bit more urgency. Otherwise, you’re telling me this is going to be a never-ending story. Why tell this story now? Why are we following Digory? What is the conflict that drives the story? This is set-up, not story.
April 7, 2014 — 11:21 AM
Mark Matthews says:
MILK-BLOOD:
Ten years old, addicted to heroin, born with a heart defect, and the mentally-ill squatter from the abandoned house on her street is about to answer all her questions.
April 7, 2014 — 10:11 AM
pomegarnett says:
What questions?
April 7, 2014 — 12:07 PM
David says:
I would want a character name: “X is ten years old” and so on.
April 7, 2014 — 12:16 PM
Mark Matthews says:
I think I need a comma or one less ‘interdimensional’
April 7, 2014 — 10:16 AM
Dan says:
Good call! I took out an “interdimensional” and it flowed so much better! Thanks!
April 7, 2014 — 10:21 AM
pooks says:
“She’s the Dark daughter, the one they have to hide from Society. And the only way for her to save them all is to embrace her Dark magic and let it win. Hunger Games meets Jane Austen.” THIS CRUMBLING PAGEANT, by Patricia Burroughs
April 7, 2014 — 10:17 AM
Dan says:
Nice idea! I would either drop the “and” at the beginning of sentence two or throw a comma after “society.” Is there a reason that “Society” is capitalized?
April 7, 2014 — 10:22 AM
pooks says:
Thanks, Dan! I missed the one-sentence thing, didn’t i? Ooops? Society is capped because it would have been or could have been during the time of the book [see reference to Jane Austen] so it’s a hint to setting and time period. Maybe too subtle, but you know, one sentence.
April 7, 2014 — 10:24 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
I love this — except for the second use of the word ‘dark’. Any other word fit? Honestly, I’d still totally read it.
April 7, 2014 — 11:49 AM
pooks says:
That’s an excellent point. Now you’ve made me think about how to change it. The book is out May 6!
April 7, 2014 — 11:53 AM
pooks says:
Forgot to say–I love your name. I hope you’re writing under it!
April 8, 2014 — 11:16 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
Oh, thank you! I am, in fact.
Feel free to come visit the blog — I think it’s linked off my name — I’ve got a book of flash out, and free stories up online. The latest is from one of Wendig’s challenges.
April 8, 2014 — 11:40 AM
pooks says:
On my way!
April 8, 2014 — 11:44 AM
Catastrophe Jones says:
*tidies up*
April 8, 2014 — 12:26 PM
Christa says:
“A group of teen girls attempt to break out of a mental institution after discovering they possess superpowers.”
April 7, 2014 — 10:19 AM
Jackie Keswick says:
Why did they not try to break out before?
April 7, 2014 — 10:38 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Perhaps because they felt helpless and there was security? And they only discovered they had superpowers after they were imprisoned? In any case, my only comment is this sounds like the beginning of a logline, not the whole thing.
April 7, 2014 — 11:20 AM
Christa says:
hmm fair point Rsagarcia. I’ll have to think about how I can expand it.
April 7, 2014 — 12:21 PM
Catastrophe Jones says:
Hm. I like it, but as it stands, it sounds too much like Suckerpunch.
April 7, 2014 — 11:50 AM
Mark Matthews says:
Given one sentence to write a logline, he cheated and wrote three, now he’s haunted by dangling food particles in Chuck Wendig’s beard
April 7, 2014 — 10:21 AM
pooks says:
I resemble that remark.
April 7, 2014 — 10:31 AM
pooks says:
The cheating, hopefully not the beard.
April 7, 2014 — 10:32 AM
Ben Dodge says:
Pit Stop’s logline [Canadian post-apocalyptic novel]: At a rickety gas station on the ruined edges of Toronto, Everett and his eighteen-wheeler crew nurse their wounds, relive the weeks leading up to the job they just finished–and wonder how (and why) they survived at all.
April 7, 2014 — 10:29 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
A bit dry. You want to point out what’s unique and engaging about your story. Not hint it’s going to be a long think-fest.
April 7, 2014 — 11:18 AM
Paul Baxter says:
What is the job they just finished? Give us a reason to care that they finished the job and survived.
April 7, 2014 — 12:36 PM
Mark Matthews says:
I think anything more than one floor traveling on an elevator, and 2-3 sentences will fit nicely.
April 7, 2014 — 10:35 AM
mattyweaves says:
When a co-worker dies mysteriously, a young introvert launches his own investigation.
April 7, 2014 — 10:54 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
There’s room here for a bit more detail, but it’s a promising core premise.
April 7, 2014 — 11:17 AM
mattyweaves says:
Thank you! Below I commented, but it was a bit longer, and was shortened to this. I always feel like I don’t have enough in my log lines, but I always end up having to cut them down.
April 8, 2014 — 4:12 PM
Paul Baxter says:
Why? And what are the consequences if he doesn’t?
April 7, 2014 — 12:37 PM
Georgia says:
I think it’s great for a log line–log lines are supposed to be bare bones. I do think there could be a ‘but’–either before or after the young introvert launches his own investigation. P Baxter’s right–are there limitations to his investigation? Even throwing in a word like ‘covert’ to describe his investigation could help to imply complications (and therefore intrigue!)
Best of luck!
April 8, 2014 — 3:35 AM
mattyweaves says:
Thank you! This is actually for a screenplay I wrote. There was more to it, but after a consultation, the guy gave me some tips and shortened it to this. I had previously included the time frame of a weekend long venture, but it ran on a bit much.
April 8, 2014 — 4:11 PM
Terri says:
Attorney Julia Martin has a choice: partner with the FBI to betray a client or watch her father go down for a capital murder he didn’t commit.
April 7, 2014 — 10:56 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
I like that. I’d read the first chapter on that alone.
April 7, 2014 — 11:16 AM
Terri says:
Thank you! Here’s hoping you get your chance.
April 7, 2014 — 12:51 PM
RSAGARCIA says:
You’re welcome. I hope I do.
April 7, 2014 — 2:46 PM
Jackie Keswick says:
I’d read that, too.
April 7, 2014 — 11:38 AM
Thom Marrion says:
Seven children conceived during the Summer of Love discover that they are demigods who all share a common link, they are all children of Olympian deities and they are all being targeted for murder.
April 7, 2014 — 11:03 AM
Rebecca Douglass says:
Needs to be tightened. You don’t have to say both “they are demigods” and “they are children of Olympian deities.” And maybe a hint of who or what is targeting them?
April 7, 2014 — 11:54 AM
doverwhitecliff says:
In an age of myth and magic, one hero defeated a tyrant and united a nation; now in a world on the brink of war, only a hero from the past can save the future… but first she must face her most deadly enemy: her own legend.
April 7, 2014 — 11:06 AM
Rebecca Douglass says:
Hmm. I got a little lost in the syntax here. Maybe make it two or three sentences instead of using both semi-colon and ellipses in the same sentence?
April 7, 2014 — 11:55 AM
Paul Baxter says:
I am confused as well. Is the hero who defeated the tyrant the same hero who must save the future?
April 7, 2014 — 12:40 PM
doverwhitecliff says:
Good point…needs work without pics. I envisioned it as a movie trailer so the pics told some of the story… now how to put the pics in without turning it into a blurb… same hero a thousand years later coming from medieval to steam… hmmm. Need caffeine and pondering spot.
April 7, 2014 — 12:50 PM
Tracy says:
This reminds me of Mistborn, especially since you mention steam.
How is her legend is stopping her?
April 7, 2014 — 7:45 PM
Catastrophe Jones says:
…I’m failing at doing a single sentence without pulling in sets of parentheses, some em dashes, and a semi-colon. God — I’d just gotten mine down to 250 words and thought I was doing well.
April 7, 2014 — 11:12 AM
Laura Roberts says:
Based on what I’ve read here, both the phrases “in a world/age where…” and “worlds collide” need to be banished from all loglines.
April 7, 2014 — 11:15 AM
RSAGARCIA says:
Agreed!
April 7, 2014 — 11:16 AM
nehamukund says:
For half demon hunter Alexis Kane being stabbed, shot at and having the clothes burned off her is just in a days work but suddenly too many people are trying to off her and her life (love or there lack off) is going to shit in a pretty picnic basket – she has just one question: whom do I have to kill to get my life back?
April 7, 2014 — 11:15 AM
Tim Kimber (@Tim_Kimber) says:
You need some clarification in there. Is Alexis half demon and a hunter? Or does she only hunt half-demons. Also, if she’s always being shot at, stabbed etc, what has changed recently that makes it “suddenly” apparent people are trying to kill her? Also, is it her life in general that’s going to shit or just her love life? Finally, “whom” is awfully formal for something that has its tongue stuffed firmly in its cheek.
“For demon hunter Alexis Kane, being stabbed, shot at and incinerated is all in a day’s work, but the attempts are becoming all too frequent, and her love life is taking the collateral damage. Alexis has just one question: who do I have to kill to get my life back?”
Better?
April 7, 2014 — 11:35 AM
nehamukund says:
Ohh yes that helps.. I’ll rework it to clarify things.. Thank you for this…!! Much appreciated.. Quick question: does the logline make u want to read the book..?
April 7, 2014 — 12:19 PM
nehamukund says:
ok I reworked it, hows this?
Half Demon Lexie Kane is a hunter along with scores of other parapsychics employed with a secret government organisation to keep the creepy crawlies off the streets and humans safe in their beds, but when the people closest to her start getting murdered, and attempts at her life are becomeing too frequent – Alexis needs to know why and who to kill to get her life back.
or this one?
Alexis Kane’s world is going to shit in a pretty pink picnic basket, nocturnal creepy crawlies are trearing down the walls of her life and she is willing to die – again, to get her life back.”
April 8, 2014 — 3:17 AM