I’m going to give away five copies of Blackbirds on Kindle.
This is open only to US residents because, well, I can’t gift copies outside the US.
It’s 12 noon EST right now.
You’ve got till 3PM EST to play ball.
Three hours.
Here’s how you win a copy:
Leave a comment below with your favorite piece of creative profanity. The standards will not apply — we’ve all heard “fuck” and “shit.” Let’s hear something new.
(Example: “cock-waffle.”)
Impress me with your vulgarity.
I’ll pick five winners this afternoon and boom, free Blackbirds e-book.
For the rest of you, Blackbirds remains $3.49 at Amazon and has popped into the Top 20 Urban Fantasy releases there (this, a year after its release!). Thanks, all.
Now get thee to a cursery!
EDIT!
We have our winners!
“Muggle-fuckers.” Wren Roberts (bonus points for her being named after a character in Mockingbird, which provides nice parity, here.)
“Pink-eyed jizz-whistler,” Cameron Clemons (so jaunty! so fun!)
“Festering pile of diseased feces covered in the aborted senate bills of a bygone era. ” – D. Moonfire (really, it’s the “aborted senate bills of a bygone era” that is most profane)
“Cock-kicking fuckpucker.” –Megan Hart (pure art!)
“Picklesniffing turdmonger.” – Hilary Monahan (vulgar while still utterable by a toddler!)
And a runner-up that will not win because I am a jerky-faced stickler-jerk for spelling, but just the same, I love it oh-so-very-much:
“The YouTube comments of a menstrating badger.” – John Gardner
Wren, Cameron, D. Moonfire, Megan, and Hilary —
Email me the email address where you want the e-book sent.
Hit me at terribleminds at gmail dot com.
Cameron Mount says:
Ass-goblin
April 29, 2013 — 12:00 PM
Kait Nolan says:
Douche-nozzle is a particular favorite of mine.
April 29, 2013 — 12:01 PM
Sam Parker says:
Twat muffin
April 29, 2013 — 12:02 PM
Ben Adams says:
“Well fuck-me-running”
April 29, 2013 — 12:02 PM
Jason Beech says:
You mothertrucking mothertrucker.
April 29, 2013 — 12:03 PM
Christy Schwarzman says:
Combo platter of terdburgers and fucknuggets.
April 29, 2013 — 12:05 PM
Bruce Reyes-Chow says:
skuldouchery
April 29, 2013 — 12:05 PM
D. Moonfire says:
Festering pile of diseased feces covered in the aborted senate bills of a bygone era.
April 29, 2013 — 12:06 PM
korbijoe says:
Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch! (It makes my kids sit up straight)
April 29, 2013 — 12:07 PM
SW Sondheimer says:
Certainly not the most profane thing I’ve ever heard but I find it both excellently expressive and effective when hubs yells, “Son of a Cock!” There is usually, but not always, a sporting event involved. I find that some of my characters have become partial to it.
April 29, 2013 — 12:07 PM
KD M says:
Cuntcake
April 29, 2013 — 12:10 PM
Damien says:
Abortion Sperm!
April 29, 2013 — 12:12 PM
Joe says:
I gifted a copy of Blackbirds to my niece this weekend. If her Mom finds out before 3:00 p.m., I’ll post whatever foul, vulgar name she calls me. I’m confident it’ll be a winner. (For the record, my niece is over 21, but still.)
April 29, 2013 — 12:12 PM
Sally says:
We coined one in college that rolls well off the tongue: bitchassho. Really great for traffic. And for when bitch just isn’t enough.
April 29, 2013 — 12:14 PM
Jeri says:
Goddamned eunuch son of a $25 rotten-crotched whore.
But, I don’t own a Kindle. I just really like to swear.
April 29, 2013 — 12:14 PM
MeganHart says:
ooh. I like this game. From a recent manuscript:
motherfucking prickblister, pus-encrusted douchenozzle and cock-kicking fuckpucker
also, thundertwat, douchecanoe, and sore-riddled sphincter sniffer
April 29, 2013 — 12:15 PM
Daniel Swensen (@surlymuse) says:
Smegmatron.
April 29, 2013 — 12:16 PM
Sean Cummings says:
I don’t qualify because I’m in Canada, but I use these ones all the time – feel free toss them around from time to tome.
“Flat nuts”
“three nuts”
April 29, 2013 — 12:16 PM
Hesster56 (@hesster56) says:
Weak-spined shitsplatter!
April 29, 2013 — 12:17 PM
Kristopher Neidecker (@Kris_Neidecker) says:
Cum-dumpster. It paints a vibrant bit of mind art in the old noggin.
April 29, 2013 — 12:18 PM
cscullywriter says:
That Cock-wrangling monkey-meat is worth less than the cum-dribbled lips of a pancake-breasted whore
April 29, 2013 — 12:18 PM
Craig Soffer says:
I couldn’t tell if you meant an out of context profanity or something mockingly targeted at you. I’m gonna go with the latter:
I shall unleash a phalanx of testicle devouring sperm zombies to hunt down whatever is hiding in that roc’s nest of pubic hair inside your unwashed jeans. Why? In retribution for the audacious chicanery of giving away a book I paid good money for. NOW, it is a GREAT book, but there is no reason people should be getting it for free. If Chuck Wending gives his writing away for free, I may have to go begging hat in hand for a job writing greeting cards. (Sperm Zombies, btw, is a working title for a very noir-ish, avant-garde independent film that I am writing (in my head) and intend to direct–but definitely not star in. So don’t steal my idea, the way you stole my money when I paid for Blackbirds (which is a GREAT book and worth every penny).
I growl at thee, ye bearded backstabber! And since I already pre-ordered your new book, and I also PAID for Mockingbirds, and paid for “250 rants on why I can write and you can’t” (was that the tile?)…I don’t think there’s anything you can give me except lice, which I’ll pass on, thank you very much!
Fine. I will call off the sperm-zombies…if you finally follow me back on Twitter!!!
(Column idea: (my blog, not yours, ya rogue!) How one’s value as a human being, and certainly one’s commercial success (are they she same now?) may be measured by that sole statistic of how many people follow you on Twitter.)
April 29, 2013 — 12:18 PM
Randall Walker says:
Why you smegma sipping, sewer swimming, ass canker.
April 29, 2013 — 12:19 PM
Wulfie says:
this one made me spew coffee. lmao
April 29, 2013 — 1:08 PM
mittensmorgul says:
My autocorrect seems to like “fustercluck” lately, but I already own Blackbirds, so pick someone else to win. 🙂
Also: overheard a 13-year-old use “poopnugget” the other day.
April 29, 2013 — 12:20 PM
ben wintersteen says:
Aardvark felching fist-holster
April 29, 2013 — 12:21 PM
Garrett Calcaterra says:
Draino-swilling cum-genie!
April 29, 2013 — 12:21 PM
M. Andrew Patterson (@DyadicEchoes) says:
Cockblocking Boners…also Douche-canoe
April 29, 2013 — 12:23 PM
Hillary says:
Picklesniffing turdmonger.
/nod I like this game.
April 29, 2013 — 12:23 PM
John Gardner says:
The YouTube comments of a menstrating badger.
April 29, 2013 — 12:25 PM
Curtis Edmonds (@Curtis_Edmonds) says:
I wasn’t brought up to use curse words. My parents hardly ever did. I was taught that these words were not part of an intelligent person’s vocabulary, so I didn’t use them.
My view changed one night when I was driving back to college after a particularly awful and vile spring break spent substitute-teaching at my old high school because I was too desperately poor to go to South Padre Island. I was driving an ancient and ill-maintained 1971 Mercury Monterrey when it overheated on Interstate 35 in Central Texas. Unfortunately, at that point, I-35 was down to one lane with concrete barriers on either side. I had to drive the car until the end of the construction zone to keep from causing a massive traffic backup. When I managed to pull the car over, I discovered that the engine was on fire. And it was at that point that I coined what would become my go-to curse word:
DamnShitHellFuckBitch.
April 29, 2013 — 12:27 PM
Aaron (@WolfSamurai) says:
I like “festering thundercunt” personally.
April 29, 2013 — 12:27 PM
Tia Kalla (@tiakall) says:
I see someone beat me to “douchecanoe”, so I’ll stick with “fuckface”. Fuck is the salt of the English language: bad in large doses, but goes well with everything. (Which now brings to mind “fucksalt” as an alternate.)
April 29, 2013 — 12:28 PM
Eric Stoveken (@EMStoveken) says:
Some favorites of mine:
Vag-badger*
Fuckwit
Cuntmonkey
Syphillitic Fuckclown
*I was once commissioned to create a shot called the Vag-Badger it consists of a shot glass rimmed in sugar and salt filled with equal parts cheap tequila and yukon jack. A twisted colleague added a drop of clam juice to make the Filthy Vag-Badger shot.
April 29, 2013 — 12:33 PM
rebeccadouglass says:
Incendiary posterior orifice.
Has the advantage that the target probably doesn’t figure out what you said until you are a safe distance away.
April 29, 2013 — 12:35 PM
Danzier says:
From the depths of “Things to say when the radio station explodes that the FCC won’t grind you and all you ever knew into mincemeat for saying on air”: Monkey-impaling Nerts dispensers!
April 29, 2013 — 12:38 PM
K. Tagher says:
Ass-maggot! (not if it’s with or without a hyphen)
April 29, 2013 — 12:39 PM
David Earle says:
“Voracious flyspeck cuntivore” has always stuck with me.
April 29, 2013 — 12:40 PM
Brandi says:
My go to is “shit-pigs” not entirely sure how it came about, but it sure finds it way into my Mondays more often than not.
April 29, 2013 — 12:41 PM
Gabriel Cruz says:
This guy thinks you are the filth which accumulated under the foreskin of my penis after I caught three separate STD’s at Firefly. However, I think you are more like the dried film I peeled off one of those girl’s labia. He thinks you are dick cheese, and I find you to be more of a cunt crust.
April 29, 2013 — 12:49 PM
Anthony Laffan says:
Someone already said douche-nozzle (I usually add “flaming” before it)
Let’s see then…
Fuck-wit has always been one I’ve liked.
also: Cock-shit
April 29, 2013 — 12:49 PM
Lisa Parda says:
Cockgobbler and cumdumpster —my two favorites and like children I can’t choose just one
April 29, 2013 — 12:50 PM
Wulfie says:
My entry: I think this contest is recockulous which is way more than reDICKulous. 😛
Some greats ones I’ve heard out of my son’s mouth are: vaginal blood clot, spew monkey, sperm burper, over developed pig fetus
April 29, 2013 — 12:55 PM
Bran Gardner says:
The shamed remnants of a one-night stand with a bridge troll.
April 29, 2013 — 12:56 PM
Mel Connolly (@melissaconnolly) says:
cuntmuffin! That’s my favorite 🙂
April 29, 2013 — 12:56 PM
Meg says:
Dickchugging scrotelord is a nice, generic-ish sort of curse.
April 29, 2013 — 12:56 PM
shannonB. says:
Fuck Weasel…it’s my favorite thing to say. Sometimes I randomly blurt out “fuck weasel!” just to hear myself talk.
April 29, 2013 — 12:57 PM
Gabriel Cruz says:
*edit- diseased dick cheese, and contagious cunt crust.
April 29, 2013 — 12:57 PM
K.C. Beaumont (@KCBeaumont) says:
Dick drip.
April 29, 2013 — 12:59 PM
mark matthews says:
I can’t even enter. All of these are way too good.
Only thing that comes to mind is a Book Of Mormon rip-off. (A must see)
HASA-DIGA-EEBOWAI (Translates to: ‘Fuck you God in the Ass, Mouth, and Cunt’)
Context is everything.
April 29, 2013 — 1:00 PM
erchristensen says:
Based on your posts from this morning, I submit “tick fucker.”
If you’d prefer something not so pandering, How about “dick licker”–the k sounds work for comedy or just to get out your aggression.
April 29, 2013 — 1:03 PM