In Which I Am Contacted By The “FBI”

The other day, I received this in my inbox:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director; Roberts Mueller III. After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them. Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.

With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI, we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds. Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund. Therefore you are advise to re-confirm your delivery information as stated below.

DELIVERY INFORMATION:

FULL NAME:

HOME ADDRESS/COUNTRY:

OCCUPATION:

AGE:

CELL PHONE NUMBER:

Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.

Mr.Ronald T.Hosko

Mr.Robert S. Mueller III

FBI DIRECTOR

So, y’know.

CLEARLY IT’S ALL REAL AND I’M GOING TO RECEIVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

I feel like this very important e-mail deserves dissection.

“I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director…”

Wow, must’ve been quite a demotion, Ronnie-boy. Since the last time I checked, you were assistant director of CID at the FBI, not some go-fer who runs and fetches coffee and scrubs the calluses on Mueller’s gnarly feet. Sorry to hear about the downgrade. It’s tough out there for everyone, I guess.

“After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them.”

That is possibly the worst sentence I have ever read. My pending payment? What? Withheld by… imposters? Who are they, uhh, “imposting” as? Me? Why didn’t they just take the money and run?

Why are they “withholding” it? Those dummies.

And “But with the help of the FBI…” — dude, you are the FBI. You don’t need their help. YOU ARE THEM. You used to be assistant director of CID until you blew the wrong field agent or lost your iPhone in a Tuscon meth trailer and ended up getting dropped down to being a personal secretary.

Be proud of who you are, Doc Hosko!

“Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.”

No, I have not. I have not spent any money trying to transfer money. I spend a lot of money at Target. Is that what you mean? I love Target. Hell, my toddler loves Target. Any time we tell him we’re going somewhere in the car, he makes the car noise — b-r-r-r-r-r — and then says, “Tar-uh? Tar-uh!” and then we have to tell him we’re not going to Target today and he gives us a look like he’s going to fill his diaper with pure anger.

I don’t know who these imposters are, by the way, but they sound very ineffective.

“With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI…”

HOLY SHIT THE BEST INTERNET INVESTIGATORS? Like Earl “The Cyber-Hawk” Dingowhistle? Or Mary-Alice Krebs, the so-called “Mata Hari of Reddit?” Or what about that robot detective, 110100101 Jones? I feel so fucking lucky to have them on my case!

And apparently they’re attached to the FBI.

One assumes with zip-ties or Velcro.

“…we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds.”

Yeah, I don’t know what that means.

I assume you got my email off the Internet. I mean, it’s not on billboards or cool enough to be some celebrity’s tattoo. Or wait, is the Internet a dude? Like, did you meet him somewhere and he gave you my address? I always thought the Internet might be a person.

“Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization.”

HOLY SHIT, THAT GUY IS INVOLVED NOW? Man, my case must rate like right up there to bring in the secretary general of the UNO. (I love their deep-dish pizza, by the way! It’s like cake! With cheese and sauce and meat! It’s cholesterol cake! I ate some last year and it’s still inside my heart! Literally!)

You know, you can tell me — are my impostors Al Qaeda agents?

I bet they are.

Oh, by the way, “meeting” should be pluralized there.  I guess I’m just happy you didn’t pluralize with a possessive. That kind of thing will cause a writer to fill his diaper with pure anger.

“It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.”

First, can we just be honest here? You need to learn the art of shorter sentences. I took a short nap in the middle of this one, hope that’s okay! Anyway, let’s see here —

I have not received my $9.5 million, that’s true.

And past Government Officials? Who almost held the fund to themselves for their one collective selfish reason? OH FUCK NO. I wonder what that selfish reason was? Maybe they were going to buy a speedboat. Like, I figure, if you have a shit-ton of money, a really flashy speedboat is a pretty good way to blow some illicit cash. Or like, the world’s biggest warehouse of styrofoam peanuts. It’d be like swimming in packing peanuts. You could have such adventures! You could recreate the hunt for the White Whale! “ARRR CALL ME ISHMAEL. THERE I SEE ME THE ALABASTER WHALE, AHAB.” Or whatever.

I never actually read Moby Dick.

Anyway.

Those selfish impostor assholes! Maybe they just wanted to buy everything inside Target. Lord knows I do!

I will say that them trying to “swindle” and “take advantage of” my fund makes it sound like the fund is also a person. Are the Internet and the Fund two dudes having crazy cyborg adventures in the American desert? Some sci-fi version of Fear and Loathing? *eyes go wide*

*begins taking notes*

I call dibs on that idea, by the way. Dibs! DIBS. Hands-off. *points gun*

In the meantime, let me just give you all my so-called “delivery information”…

There we go. I assume that such an epic amount of money will have to arrive via like, UPS? Or maybe you’ll back up a truck. OR A SPEEDBOAT OMG. Maybe you’ll air-drop it onto my lawn? That’d be pretty sweet. The last thing I had airdropped onto my lawn was a chunk of human waste frozen to the underside of a 747 like a frosty dingleberry. It crushed my treehouse. And my heart.

What will I do if the impostors keep, er, imposting?

“Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.”

THOSE DAMN SCAMMER.

I will email you, Ronaldo, old boy. That way we can — as you say — eradicate them.

Fuck yeah, we’ll trace the shit out of them.

And then eradicate even more shit out of them.

FUCK YEAH.

I appreciate it, Ronbo. Kick-ass.

I look forward to my air-drop of money.

Oh, and hey — thanks for helping out here. Tell Mueller and the sec-gen of PIZZERIA UNO that I appreciate them looking out for me like this. And I’m sorry to hear about your demotion.

*sits on lawn, waits for cash*

*dreams of speedboats and Target shopping*